Podcast Summary: BigDeal with Codie Sanchez

Episode #105: The Confidence Expert – How To Build UNSHAKEABLE Self Confidence | Mark Manson
Release Date: December 4, 2025

Episode Overview

In this engaging episode, Codie Sanchez sits down with bestselling author Mark Manson ("The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck") to unravel the truth behind confidence, happiness, and success in the modern world. The conversation gets honest about the pitfalls of current self-help advice, the psychology of self-belief, the downside of therapy culture, navigating meaning and relationships, and the real ways to build unshakeable confidence through habits, risk, and embracing failure. The tone is candid, humorous, and packed with actionable insights.

Key Topics & Discussions

What Is Real Confidence? (00:30–04:00)

• Mark opens by debunking the myth that confidence is about "not caring what others think." Instead:
  • "It's not about not giving what other people think. It's about finding something more important than what other people think." – Mark (00:30)
• Codie asserts that confidence is earned through action, not affirmation.
• Mark: The more you try to feel confident all the time, the more aware you become of your insecurities. Comfort with potential failure is actual confidence.

Notable Quote:

“When you stop trying to be confident all the time, you actually feel comfortable in your pursuits, knowing it might not work out, which is confidence.” – Mark (01:17)

The Paradox of Likability & People Pleasing (01:45–04:32)

• Codie references Mark’s tweet: “Paradoxically, the less you try to convince people to like you, the more likable you become.”
• Mark explains that trying to control others’ perceptions is off-putting; we subconsciously respect those who respect our agency.

Notable Quote:

“At some point… you realize, ‘I’d rather be disliked for who I am than liked for something I’m not.’” – Mark (03:07)

• People-pleasing is often childish and unsatisfying; authenticity attracts more meaningful connections.

Dating, Apps, and Our Misguided Pursuit of Happiness (05:00–08:45)

• Mark discusses his past (and resurging) men's dating book “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty.”
• Gen Z men are re-discovering “how to actually connect” amid a messy digital dating environment.
• Dating apps select for superficial traits, missing critical compatibility factors (values, sense of humor, intimacy).

Notable Quote:

“The apps have sorted for the wrong thing. People don’t know what they want—the apps supply a demand that’s not solving the problem.” – Mark (07:24)

What Is Real Success? (08:16–09:46)

• Money and happiness are like oxygen: crucial when lacking, irrelevant in excess.
• Lifelong satisfaction comes from the sense of having spent time well, pursuing meaning and purpose.

Notable Quote:

“If you zoom out and look at your entire lifespan... the best way to define success is simply to feel as though you spent your time well.” – Mark (09:13)

Finland’s Secret: Low Expectations (09:46–11:20)

• Mark shares insight from Finland ("happiest country"): underlying ethos is satisfaction with enough, not endless striving.
• Americans differ in overvaluing big goals but end up essentially the same after achievement.

The Essential Habits for a Successful & Happy Life (11:45–13:03)

• Mark’s #1 advice for young people: Start with social skills.
  • Quality relationships (intimate, trustworthy) are the biggest predictors of long-term happiness and professional success.
  • "Nobody ever did anything great by themselves." (12:30)
• Codie references studies showing EQ (emotional intelligence) > IQ for career outcomes.

The Real Foundation of Confidence: Comfort with Failure (13:39–17:14)

• Social scrutiny (especially online) creates a confidence crisis and risk aversion.
• Mark:
  • “Confidence isn’t about believing you’ll succeed; it’s being comfortable with possibly failing.”
• The only way to get comfortable with failure is to “fail”—especially small, manageable failures.
  • He shares his early dating advice: “Go get rejected five times, then we can talk.” (16:23)
• Codie reframes: Success in love, money, business—it’s all about quantity, enduring more failure for the one win.

Mark’s Experimentation with Failure & Embarrassment (17:14–18:57)

• Mark’s personal approach: Running real-life experiments (sometimes donning a chicken suit!) to build “scar tissue” against embarrassment.
  • “By the end, there was nothing that could embarrass or scare me.” (18:44)

Progress, Struggle, and the Easterlin Paradox (22:03–25:52)

• The wealthier people become, the harder it is to define meaningful progress, leading to existential malaise (higher suicide rates in affluent groups).
• Mark shares his own post-success depression after hitting “every goal at once.”

Notable Quote:

“The more successful you become, the harder it is to know what progress is, or what progress is worth having.” – Mark (22:29)

The True Meaning of "Not Giving a F*ck" & Establishing Boundaries (27:55–32:11)

• True "not giving a f*ck" is about prioritizing meaningful things over others’ opinions—not becoming a sociopath.
  • “If you don’t have anything more important than what people think about you, then what others think will dictate everything else.” – Mark (28:49)
• Advice to people-pleasers: Find what you’re willing to be disliked for and pursue it. That’s meaning.
• Boundaries: Reframe boundaries as personal rules. “People respect rules… if they don’t, it makes it easy to know this relationship won’t work.” (31:43)

The Double-Edged Sword of Therapy Culture & Labels (33:03–41:44)

• Mark discusses the rise of “overlabeling”—identity around being avoidant, ADHD, narcissistic, etc.
  • Labels can help raise awareness but become self-fulfilling prophecy when adopted as identity.
  • Internet/society incentivizes broadcasting (and clinging to) negative labels, which can entrench issues.
• Example: Mark himself was diagnosed with ADHD, but warns against overdefining oneself by such terms.

Notable Quote:

“As soon as you adopt the label as an identity… you start imposing that on all your experiences and relationships.” – Mark (35:10)

Self-Definition:

• Mark recommends avoiding labels altogether (“Buddhist school of not labeling yourself—your potential is then infinite”).
• His story: He became unhappy after labeling himself only as an “author” instead of entrepreneur, after rapid success. Very easy to unconsciously reframe identity for external rewards—with a heavy emotional cost. (43:06–44:35)

The Power of Journaling & Emotional System Management (46:44–50:48)

• Mark: Your emotions are a system to be managed (like any business resource).
• Use journaling to ask “why” repeatedly about negative feelings or outcomes.
  • “Start with the basics: What do I feel about this? Why do I feel this way? … And follow the chain until you hit the real root cause.” (49:01–50:48)

Dangers of Over-Corrected Boundaries, Family, & Therapy Apps (51:01–56:00)

• Mark worries about “over-corrected” boundaries leading to rising trend in cutting off family, especially among Gen Z (20–25% have ceased contact with a parent).
  • Cautions against going “no contact” as a first step when intermediary boundaries can be set.
• Discussion on AI therapy: ChatGPT and similar LLMs often just validate, never challenge, users—mirroring the worst of “therapy culture.”

Mark’s Solution: Building “PRPS”—An AI That Tells You the Truth (57:03–61:47)

• Mark has co-founded PRPS, an AI platform trained specifically for mental health and true psychological improvement (rather than just validation).
  • “Instead of just trying to make you feel better all the time, [the AI] is designed to actually make you better—to tell you the things you need to hear, point out your blind spots, and challenge your bullshit.” (59:16)
• Users are more honest with AI, reaching deeper insight quickly.

Tech, Happiness, and Dangerous Optimism (61:47–67:30)

• Codie questions the tech industry’s blind optimism, especially regarding AI’s effect on happiness and social well-being.
• Mark affirms that, having worked directly with LLMs, he sees limits to AI’s abilities; moral panic is premature.
  • “They’re brilliant idiots… able to do multivariate calculus, but with their shoes on the wrong feet.” (64:47)
• Effective use of AI demands as much from users as from the tech itself.

On Choosing the Right Life Partner (67:31–72:47)

• Mark reiterates: Who you marry is the highest-leverage decision in your life—for better or worse.
  • Look for character, integrity, decision-making, values (not just romance).
• Top first-date question: “What did you learn from your last relationship?”
  • Red flag: If they only blame their ex.
  • Green flag: Balanced reflection and personal accountability.

Notable Quote:

"A good spouse makes everything better and a bad spouse will make everything worse." – Mark (69:15)

The Inevitable Sacrifice & Embracing the Struggle (72:48–76:44)

• Every choice comes with inherent sacrifice; every dream comes packaged with its own pain.
  • “Whatever makes us feel good will also inevitably make us feel bad.”
  • Important question: “What pain do you actually want? What struggles are you willing to put up with to get your goals?” (73:47)
• Mark’s personal "struggle of choice": Relentless work and embracing the grind.

Most Memorable Quotes

• “Confidence isn’t about believing you’ll succeed; it’s being comfortable with possibly failing.” – Mark (14:03)
• “If you don’t have anything more important than what people think about you, then what others think will dictate everything else.” – Mark (28:49)
• “People generally want the same things—the real question is, what pain do you want?” – Mark (73:47)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30: Mark's principle: it's not about shutting out opinions, it's about having a higher purpose.
• 03:00: Likability paradox and people-pleasing.
• 07:24: The failure of dating apps and real compatibility.
• 09:13: Lifelong success is about time well spent.
• 13:39: The real roots of confidence and fear of scrutiny.
• 16:23: Embracing small failures as confidence training.
• 28:49: The truth on "not giving a f*ck"—purpose over public opinion.
• 31:43: How to tactically set boundaries without drama.
• 35:10: Label identity as a psychological trap.
• 43:06: Redefinition of self—and the cost of the wrong label.
• 49:01: Journaling for emotional problem-solving.
• 59:16: Why Mark’s AI project, PRPS, is designed as tough-love advice (not just validation).
• 69:15: On marriage as the ultimate “force multiplier.”
• 73:47: “What pain are you willing to live with?”—the question behind any meaningful pursuit.

Final Thoughts & Tone

Throughout, Codie and Mark maintain a witty, direct, no-bullshit style filled with self-awareness, gentle self-mockery, and practical wisdom. Listeners are challenged to confront failure, embrace discomfort, reject superficial fixes (like affirmations and endless self-labeling), and instead pursue meaningful risk, reflection, and relationships—both with others and deeply with themselves.

Takeaways for Listeners

• Confidence is built in small, repeated failures and a healthy relationship with risk.
• Authenticity, not people-pleasing, breeds both self-respect and external respect.
• Rethink goals: Seek progress and meaningful struggles, not just “happiness” or external metrics.
• Boundaries work best as respectful “rules”—and reveal who truly respects you.
• Beware of adopting negative labels as identity (on TikTok or elsewhere).
• Use journaling for radical self-inquiry and emotional management.
• AI therapy is only as good as its programming—seek feedback, not just validation.
• The partner you choose shapes literally everything in your life; select for character, not just chemistry.
• The inescapable pain of pursuit is where meaning is found—choose your struggles wisely.