Stop Spiraling: The 4-Step Check-In That Resets Your Mind | Gabrielle Bernstein

Summary

BigDeal Podcast with Codie Sanchez

Episode: Stop Spiraling—The 4-Step Check-In That Resets Your Mind | Gabrielle Bernstein

Date: January 22, 2026

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Overview

This episode features an intimate, practical, and motivating conversation between host Codie Sanchez and renowned spiritual teacher and author Gabrielle Bernstein. The primary theme explores how to break out of negative mental loops (“spiraling”), reclaim personal power, and manifest lasting change in business and life. Gabrielle introduces her four-step check-in methodology, rooted in internal family systems (IFS) therapy, as a powerful tool to reset mindset, cultivate self-compassion, and foster sustainable success—without relentless striving.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Energy Before Achievement

• Gabrielle emphasizes prioritizing one’s own energy and alignment before “reaching and striving” for external goals. Pushing too hard blocks true momentum and joy.

  • “If you're reaching and reaching and thirsty and striving, you are blocking and you're just going to feel like a hamster and a wheel and you're never going to be able to attract it.” (00:00, Gabrielle Bernstein)

• Codie sets the stage: The most profound change comes from changing the person you are, not just ticking off bigger goals.

  • “It's not becoming a millionaire or successful that's important. It's the person you have to become in order to become successful.” (00:27, Cody Sanchez)

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2. The Problem with “Big Goals” Out of Alignment

• Lowering the Bar to Build Confidence:

  • Gabrielle recommends scaling goals to a believable, achievable level to avoid getting stuck in self-doubt or “hamster wheel” striving. Big dreams are not abandoned, but the path is broken down into “mini wins” that reinforce self-worth and momentum.
    • “We should set a goal that is on the way to that [big] desire… set a step that feels achievable.” (02:03, Gabrielle Bernstein)
    • "Add up those small right actions daily—start to become the big wins." (03:01)

• Codie acknowledges her pushy nature and how she struggles to avoid perfectionism and relentless goal pursuit. (03:58, Cody)

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3. How to Break a Spiraling Mind-Pattern

• Gabrielle’s Visualization Technique:

  • Identifies, processes, and releases troubling thoughts as a concrete, visual act.
    • “Take the story, put it in a little ball, and send that story out… visualize sending the story away…” (04:12, Gabrielle Bernstein)
  • For herself and her son: after releasing the “story,” they reach for a “next best feeling thought.”

• Next Steps After Release:

  • Focus on sensory or simple pleasures (“my sheets are really good,” “I’m excited for coffee”), or allow yourself to meditate.
    • “There's no amount of pushing yourself is going to help you get unstuck.” (05:42, Gabrielle Bernstein)

• Codie recaps: Visualize releasing the issue, time-bound it ("just for today"), and create emotional separation.

  • “It gives you an emotional sort of separation from the idea.” (07:18, Cody)

• Gabrielle adds: Forgive yourself for having the thought—this is all about surrender, not over-control.

  • “I forgive myself for having that thought. And then I can pick the next best feeling thought or put it in the bubble… they're all really an act of surrender.” (07:36, Gabrielle Bernstein)

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4. The Foundations of Manifesting

• Manifesting Isn’t Fluffy—It's Practical and Constant:

  • “We're always manifesting, whether we… even when we don't think we are, we're manifesting oftentimes what we don't want… you attract your likeness.” (11:30, Gabrielle Bernstein)
  • Your attitude and energy are contagious—both scientifically and spiritually.
    • “If you're putting out frantic energy, you're gonna get more frantic experiences… Boomerang that loving energy and that reflection right back to me.” (12:00)

• Manifesting as a Daily Choice:

  • “It's not what we experience, it's how we experience it… Those steps towards that better frequency… can completely redirect what you attract into your life.” (13:36, Gabrielle)

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5. The Science and Faith Behind Emotional Energy

• Neuroscience, Quantum Physics & Faith:
  • Codie shares research about the microbiome being contagious, paralleling emotional energy.
    • “Even if you and I never share a drink… our energy is certainly contagious.” (16:12, Cody)
  • Gabrielle adds: “Quantum physics is really all the research on how our energetic frequency affects other energetic frequencies… we have these frequencies…” (16:44, Gabrielle)

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6. The Four-Step Check-In: IFS Therapy for Self-Compassion

Gabrielle distills the Internal Family Systems (IFS) methodology into a four-step practice for transforming negative patterns:

1. Choose to Check In:
   • When triggered, don't check out or distract. Instead, turn inward.
2. Become Curious:
   • Ask where you feel the activated part in your body, what it wants you to know.
3. Compassion:
   • Ask the part of you what it needs (“rest,” “play,” etc.). These are often childlike needs.
4. Check for Self-Energy:
   • After connecting, find feelings of compassion, calm, clarity—your “inner parent” energy.

“The four steps are based on IFS… Choose to check in… Become curious… Compassion… Check for self-energy. When we check in with those parts and we feel that energy… we know that we've brought self energy to help the part.” (30:38–32:55, Gabrielle Bernstein)

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7. Using the Check-In with Partners and in Relationships

• Don’t Force Your Partner—Lead By Example:
  • “You don't at first… master the art of self help for yourself because… the energy you put out, you get back.” (33:50, Gabrielle)
• Boundaries Arise Naturally from Compassion, Not Rage:
  • “A real boundary comes when you have so much self-compassion and love that you literally have zero capacity anymore to put up with the crap.” (39:22, Gabrielle)
• On being criticized or attacked:
  • “I am now able to look at that person in the eye and say, this isn't for me. Or I'm able to say, I'm gonna step away right now. This doesn't feel right for me.” (40:08, Gabrielle)

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8. Unpacking Internal Family Systems (IFS)

• IFS Defined:
  • “A way of befriending the parts of yourselves that hold you back… rather than shunning them.” (22:22, Gabrielle)
  • Codie and Gabrielle share personal stories on how their “protector parts” shaped their lives, and practical examples for recognizing these parts in everyday stress or conflict.

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9. Therapy, Coaches & the Role of AI

• How to Spot a Good Therapist:
  • “Do they make you feel safe? Do I feel like I can open up? Do they have genuine compassion for me?... If they're self-led, then that energy will help you heal.” (45:40, Gabrielle)
• On Therapy vs. AI Tools:
  • “If you don't have the resources… use AI. I'm not against it at all… But nothing is better than the real experience in person.” (49:41–51:18, Gabrielle)
  • Both discuss the power and potential pitfalls of AI life coaching (e.g., ego-stroking, emotional attachment).

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10. Purpose, Flow, and Manifesting in Business and Life

• Naming Your Year & Setting Intentions:
  • Codie shares her ritual of choosing a single word or theme for the year (“flow” one year, “abundance” the next).
• Gabrielle Channels for Codie—Embracing Maternal, Abundant Energy:
  • On moving from “crushing” and “pushing” to “receiving”—especially for businesswomen and aspiring mothers.
    • “The old energy of crush it, push it, that actually can't coexist with birthing or receiving…” (59:41, Gabrielle channelling)

“You can do less and attract more and it's safe to slow down and it's safe to invest in yourself. The sooner you learn that, the more success you'll receive.” (63:55, Gabrielle Bernstein)

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11. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Codie, on transformation:

  • “If they don’t have their mental capacity right… then it’s actually quite hard to attract all the rest.” (09:31)

• Gabrielle, channeling on abundance:

  • “Enjoy the fruits of your labor. The old energy of crush it, push it... can’t coexist with birthing or receiving. Right. You need to get yourself into the receptive energy.” (59:41)

• On relationships and boundaries:

  • “Stop blaming the narcissist and look at why you were a match for the narcissist.” (35:55, Gabrielle)

• On IFS as a life practice:

  • “You go first. The person listening here, you go first. You tend to your parts.” (33:50, Gabrielle)

• On manifesting as a practice:

  • “We're always manifesting—whether we… even when we don't think we are… you attract your likeness.” (11:30, Gabrielle)

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12. Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–03:58: Setting the theme; energy and self-before-goals
• 04:12–07:32: How to stop spiraling—visualization tactics
• 09:09–13:30: How manifesting really works in daily life and business
• 16:12–18:06: Science touches spirituality—energy contagion & quantum physics
• 22:22–27:14: Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy explained
• 30:38–32:55: The Four-Step Check-In process revealed
• 33:50–35:35: Boundaries, relationships, and the power of leading by example
• 39:19–41:33: Communicating boundaries and living self-led
• 45:45–47:16: Good vs. bad therapists and coaching
• 54:48–56:31: Gabrielle’s new psychic/medium podcast format, “Dear Gabby”
• 59:30–62:38: Codie’s word of the year, and Gabrielle’s channeled message on abundance and receiving

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Stop the spiral: Use visualization, forgiveness, and “next best feeling thoughts” to change your inner narrative.
• You manifest constantly: Align your energy first, break down big desires into actionable steps, and focus on your state of being.
• Boundaries and transformation start with you: Compassion and self-attunement, not external blame, drive real, lasting change.
• Invest in yourself: The permission to slow down, invest, and attract—not just ‘hustle’—yields greater impact and fulfillment.
• Therapy, coaching, and even AI are tools—but safety, compassion, and curiosity are the standards for choosing any support.

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Final Message

“You can do less and attract more and it's safe to slow down and it's safe to invest in yourself. The sooner you learn that, the more success you'll receive.”
—Gabrielle Bernstein (63:55)

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For more from Gabrielle, find her on Instagram, YouTube, and check out her “Dear Gabby” podcast and latest book on Internal Family Systems and self-help.

Transcript

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Make sure you put your energy first. Because if you're reaching and reaching and thirsty and striving, you are blocking and you're just going to feel like a hamster and a wheel and you're never going to be able to attract it.

[Cody]

So how do you actually do it then?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

This isn't going to be something that you want to hear.

[Cody]

Today's teacher has spent decades researching how you rewire fear, self doubt and subconscious blocks. Not by pretending everything's fine, but by confronting your patterns that currently sabotage momentum. Today, let's learn from Gabrielle Bernstein. It's not becoming a millionaire or successful that's important. It's the person you have to become in order to become successful. You have to change you to get the change life. So today we are going to change you.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

We can achieve a lot by doing and pushing and controlling, but we're actually only achieving a fraction of what we're capable of if we're not allowing. It's like any entrepreneur would be juggling a lot of paper. But the problem is you're juggling the china and you're juggling the Tupperware. You gotta drop the Tupperware, honey. You can do less and attract more and that it's safe to slow down and it's safe to invest in yourself. The sooner you learn that, the more success you'll receive.

[Cody]

Promise.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I promise. I can stand by it.

[Cody]

Let's say that somebody right now is mid decision or mid difficult thing and they start spiraling. What do you do to break that mind pattern?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I've been doing this a lot lately.

[Cody]

So I was just doing all my 2026 planning like everybody else. And you know, candidly, I think one of the issues for all of us is we say we're gonna do these things, we come up with all these plans. I'm 38 years old. I've been doing it for 38 years basically. And then we don't follow through on them. And I was going through what would Gabrielle do in many instances? And one of the things that comes up in your work a lot is that we have a lack of confidence. A lot of the reasons why we don't do something is because of our confidence. So what would you say to somebody who's trying to plan right now, trying to change their life, but maybe doesn't even have the confidence to set the kind of goals that they would need to to change their life?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

This isn't going to be something that you want to hear because it's a little off brand. But I would Say change the goals because we don't want to be reaching for things that we don't believe in. If we have a goal that feels out of alignment with what we believe we are capable of, we actually start to show up for it with a frequency that is not aligned with the capacity to do it. So it's not to say we shouldn't have that desire, but we should set a goal that is on the way to that desire. So what's the goal that can be the first step towards that dream? And by no means am I saying give up your dreams, but I'm saying make sure you put your energy first. Make sure that you're in alignment first. Because if you're reaching and reaching and thirsty and striving, you are blocking and you're just gonna feel like a hamster in a wheel and you're never gonna be able to att.

[Cody]

So how do you actually do it then? So what would be the process?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

So in the case of somebody who has a goal but they feel like they don't have the confidence to achieve that goal, I would say, what does feel good right now? What feels good right now? So it may be that you want to achieve this big career accomplishment, but you don't know how to get there. But you know that today you can take that one first step to polish up your resume. And you know that next month you can have the vision of creating a new relationship with somebody that can can begin that storyline of maybe next employer. But you're not trying to reach for the big thing overnight. You're reaching for the thing that feels achievable. I wouldn't want to push somebody beyond their comfort zone because we need to meet ourselves with grace and compassion. And when we're tender to ourselves and we don't push, push in a way that feels aggressive, we can then start to have these little mini wins. And those mini wins, when we add up those small right actions daily start to become the big wins.

[Cody]

Yeah, it's compounding. I'm not very good at that. I'm a pushy, pushy broad. Let's say that somebody right now is mid decision or mid difficult thing and they start spiraling or you start spiraling. What do you do to break that mind pattern?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I've been doing this a lot lately for myself, okay. So I can notice my loop. Like I can easily get into a loop. And that loop has been waking me up at 3:00 clock in the morning, you know, the 3:00am loop. And what I've been doing instead Is something I actually taught my son. So my son will wake up sometimes. He's 7 years old, so sometimes he'll wake me up in the middle of the night, and I'll be like, I can't go back to sleep. I had a story. And so I'll alchemize the story. So, like, let's take the story, let's put it in a little ball, and then I'll send that story out into the. To the. We have a pool outside. So I say, let's put it in the pool, and then it can just, you know, melt away in the water. And I just visualize sending the story away, and then I start to engage him in a new story. And I'll say, can you start to visualize yourself skiing? Because he's a new skier. And I'm like, see yourself on the mountain skiing and doing the thing that's really exciting for you. And so when we're in the loop, the first thing we wanna do is tend to the story and tend to the loop, and we can just wrap it up, visualize it in that little ball, send that ball of light off to wherever it needs to go. You know, send it to the backyard, send it to the fireplace, Just burn it, whatever it needs, and then reach for the next best feeling thought. So what could that next best feeling thought be? It could be, my sheets are really good. I'm really cozy in my bed. Or it could be, I actually am really excited to go get my coffee this morning. I mean, that's my next best feeling thought. Or, you know, I can meditate instead of force myself to fall asleep right now, whatever it might be in that moment. But we have to be able to stop the loop. But we don't want to override ourselves. There's no amount of pushing yourself is going to help you get unstuck.

[Cody]

Let's say right now I'm like, I had a terrible conversation with somebody yesterday. I hated how that went down, and wish I had done this. Wish I had done that. So then what is the next thought? I sort of take that whole idea. I put it in sort of a shiny bubble.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yep. You can put it in the bubble. Yep. You can say, I'm gonna send this off. The other thing I would recommend, too, is just as coming from the entrepreneurial side, and I know this is your audience listening is we typically will wake up with these to do lists and the things that we have to fix and all of the. And I do every day. And so I have a notebook next to my Bed. Just to get it down. I just write it down. And I'm like, I'm gonna do this, this, and this. I'm gonna deal with this later. It's just one, so I don't pick up my phone and do it. And two, because I wanna get it out. So you could put it in the ball. You could. You could write it down on the journal. You just get it out, let it out so that it's not stuck inside. And even if you just put that down and give yourself permission to just say, I'm gonna give this away for the next hour, that in itself can kind of set you up to win. I always love to tell people if they're controlling something or they're trying to manipulate something to give it away just for the day. So we can do anything for 24 hours. We can say, okay, that situation with the person that really got you riled up. Give it away for the day. And then in 24 hours, you'll have a whole different experience of it. You'll have it in completely different mindset. So just consistently throughout the day, say, I'm just gonna give this away just for today.

[Cody]

It's so good. So it's like, have a difficult problem. Visualize moving it away in one shape or form time bound it so that you're not trying. You're kind of telling your brain like, hey, I hear you. It's just for a minute.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah. Just for today.

[Cody]

Which gives you an emotional sort of separation from the idea.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes.

[Cody]

Love that.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes. Just for say. And it's also a prayer. It's like, take this from me. I don't know what to do with this right now. I don't know how to manage this right now. Take it from me.

[Cody]

Is that what the voice in Gabrielle's head sounds like when you're struggling with something?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes. And I forgive myself. So I notice the thoughts and I forgive myself for having that thought. And then I can pick the next best feeling thought or put it in the bubble or. Any one of these tactics is beautiful because they're all really an act of surrender. They're giving it away, saying, there's nothing right here at 3 o' clock in the morning that I can do to fix this.

[Cody]

It's so true. Especially when you think about it rationally. You're like, no, no, I'm gonna solve it right now. Tired, upset.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

How many times have I slacked? Memos at 4am no, not worth it.

[Cody]

Oh, it's so silly. My team's, like, too often shut off for Slack. You know, there's so many ways I want to go with you today. I want to talk about. I want to talk about your most recent book on internal family systems, which, like, randomly I know I shared with you. It, like, came to me in an exact moment that I need. You might have even DMed me, or we connected somehow online. And then I was like, whoa, I just got your book. Somebody sent it to me. I mean, it was wild. Anyway, so it helped me a lot in my relationship. And I never would have found a book like that before because I wasn't sure how I felt about therapy or wasn't sure how I felt about spiritual practices. So I wanna talk about that. I also wanna talk about your large body of work and manifesting. But, you know, if someone was to listen to us today, right now, and they have, like, all of your body of work, that we're gonna talk about what changes in their life. If they listen to this conversation today and they apply it, like, how will their life be different?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Everything will be different. I can say that with full conviction. My late mentor and friend, Dr. Wayne Dyer, said, when you change the way you look at things. Things. The things you look at change. Let me say that better for you so you can get the better quote.

[Cody]

Oh, it was so good, though.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I love that. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

[Cody]

So true. Yeah. Everybody always comes to me and they want to talk about money and business and finance, right? And I like to talk about that. So we give tactics. But the thing that I've realized again and again is if they don't have their mental capacity, right, if they don't have sort of the foundations, the things that you talk about, then it's actually quite hard to attract all the rest. And I didn't used to think that was true.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Absolutely. I mean, we can achieve a lot by doing and pushing and controlling, but we're actually only achieving a fraction of what we're capable of if we're not allowing. And I think that a lot of times we think we're allowing because we like what we do, but we still have so much muscle in the game or just so pushing harder, wanting to have our hands in everything. And so we're really blocking our capacity. Actually, I was talking to somebody yesterday. She gave me a tarot reading. Someone gave me a tarot. I was like, this is really cool. And she said, you're juggling all of these plates at once. Like any entrepreneur would be juggling a lot of plates. She's like. But the problem is you're juggling the china and you're juggling the Tupperware. And she's like, you gotta drop the Tupperware, honey. And it was so perfect for me to hear because I have to drop the Tupperware. If I don't really let myself be in the juggling of the china, I can't also be in the allowing. So we can be doing and allowing at the same time. When we're focusing, let's talk about how.

[Cody]

We actually do that. Like, even when we hear the word manifesting, for instance, so many people talk about manifesting now. I live in Austin, capital of manifesting, but we talk about it in a lot of silly ways. Different, I think, even than the way you would talk about it, which is that manifesting isn't always like some feel good, fluffy thing. There's actually a. I wouldn't even use the word right or wrong way. But there are particular ways maybe to manifest. Yeah, what is. How does somebody manifest correctly?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, we're always manifesting. We're always manifesting whether we.

[Cody]

Even when we don't think we are.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Even when we don't think we are, we're manifesting oftentimes what we don't want. We're manifesting who we are. We're manifesting the energy we put out. We're manifesting at all times what we believe, really the law of attraction is that you attract your likeness. So if you're putting out frantic energy, you're gonna get more frantic experiences. If you're putting out a high vibe, you're gonna get the highest vibe. Back today, I was on Good Morning America twice. I didn't sleep that well last night. I woke up, I pulled it together. I had two segments back to back. But I was like, I'm showing up with the best attitude. I'm gonna make everybody feel good in my presence. I wanna have fun. And I was smiling at the doormen, smiling at the producers, giving love to the girl. One of the women was like, you've been stalking me on social media. Here's my app. Like, do the manifesting challenge right now. Literally coaching everybody backstage, coaching the producer backstage, just like in it. And then at the end of the show, at the end of the second episode, the bouncer comes up to me and he goes. Grabs me and he goes, don't stop doing what you're doing. He said, you make people feel really good. Okay, Boomerang back to me, right? Boomerang that loving energy and that reflection right back to me. What I put out. So you get what you put out. And that doesn't mean that you can't have a bad day and that doesn't mean that you can't be going through a lot of shit. But it's about how are you going to show up for it. It's not what we experience, it's how we experience it. And so are we going to say, oh yeah, I'm in a bit of a shit pickle here, I'm going through a big storm, but I'm going to show up for it with faith or I'm going to read that self help book that's going to help me, or I'm going to listen to that episode with Gabrielle and Cody and I'm going to just open my mind a little bit more. Those steps towards that better frequency have the capacity to completely redirect what you attract into your life. Which is why if someone's listening and watching this now and takes to heart what we're saying, they can change their lives today, starting today.

[Cody]

It's a really good point. So what does that look like? I've had that same feeling. You've been around somebody. Oftentimes I find it with somebody who has a lot of faith. I can really tell, maybe because I grew up that way. A lot of times when somebody has a very. They kind of live lightly on the world, but they have a deep sort of in my life. How it's come up is a lot of times it's a Christian faith and they're just like, I'm just like God. Whatever's happening here, it's good if it's Botox or whatever that vitamin A serum is. And so like, how do you show up with good energy? When you're walking into a room and you are feeling a little tired, are you like visualizing love at the person? I know this is maybe a little touchy feeling, but like, what does that actually look like?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, I'll start by saying that it does start with faith. Because my desire to show up with that frequency is my desire to be an expression of love. And in other faiths it might be an expression of God or Buddha, nature or the universe. So because I am grounded in a very unshakable faith, which is the title of my next book here, I'm announcing it here on your show. I've just started writing, I haven't even sold it yet. But this idea of living with unshakable faith puts you into this point of attention, noticing and knowing, okay, what I focus on I create more of what I put out, I get back. And you live in that knowing. So you're consciously choosing to co create a reality that feels good to you and you aren't doing it from this sort of fake energy of like, oh, well, I read this on, you know, in the Internet or like TikTok told me to do this. It's I actually believe and know if I bring my highest frequency, I will feel more elevated and I will elevate those around me. Also, I believe that when you live with unshakable faith, you're also not just living for yourself, you're living for the other. And so I knew that if I showed up on January 5th, Good Morning America and I could bring a high vibe to these people that Woke up at 3 o' clock in the morning to be there, right? And Robin Roberts, who had a sinus infection that day, and I could just look at her in the eye and say, you're doing God's work. Keep going. Then we can have these holy instances where we have these encounters with people that not only affect our energy field and raise our vibration, sorry for woo woo conversation, but they lift us up, but they also have the capacity to lift up the person that's next to you. And then that person goes home later that night and they start to elevate their spouse and then their spouse is a little bit more calm and then the kids feel that energy and then the energy of the house starts to feel more harmonious because Gabby Bernstein walked in and then spread the love. And you know what I said to that bouncer? I said, you feel it, you feel good, carry it, give it.

[Cody]

Yeah, it's so true. Well, you know, and maybe it's woo woo, but there's also a lot of neuroscience to back this up 100% and a lot of science overall. Like I was reading a study the other day about how your micro, microbiome, your microbiome and your gut is actually contagious from a person to person. Even if you and I never share a drink, that's fucking crazy. Which means overall our energy is certainly contagious. What do you know about that? Like, what does the science tell us about energy contagion in your research in multiple books, by the way?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah, I mean quantum physics is really all the research on how our energetic frequency affects other energetic frequencies and how we can send out a message. And that message can affect the wind patterns, it can affect the. There's a beautiful quote about how when a butterfly flaps its wings on the North Pole, it starts to change the energy in South America. I don't know, I'm just making this up now, but we have these frequencies. You know those moments when somebody says to you, oh, my God, I was just thinking about you. How did you just call me? Because there's a frequency, there's a chord. And when we pay attention to that, we actually ground ourselves back into what is real. And here's the thing. We live in this world where we're taught the opposite of this. We're taught that it's this body. I'm separate, I'm alone, I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate, I'm unlovable, or I'm better than. And in all that separation, we lose track of the truth of who we are. And it's not an easy thing to forget that we are all these separate things that we've chosen to believe. But when we return one step at a time to that truth, that there's a oneness within us, that there's a true nature within us that has. That's contagious, that can be affecting your microbiome, Then what happens is we start to take that more seriously and we recognize our imprint matters.

[Cody]

This is a secret nobody shares. I've done thousands of deals, but until now, I've never shared the most valuable 10% publicly because I want to buy these businesses myself. Then I realized that if you guys buy the businesses, I get to do the deals with you. So this year at Main Street Millionaire Live, it is your chance to see our insider strategies. I'll teach you how we find, buy and scale a business step by step with the frameworks that I literally use to buy all these businesses. So if you want to go from an aspiring owner to someone actually running a profitable business, join me. I'll give you my blueprint. Then maybe we end up doing deals together. What do you do when you are stuck in negative self talk?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Okay, I do a lot. I will have a choose again method which I shared earlier, which briefly was notice the thought, forgive myself for having the thought, and then reach for the next best feeling thought. So this sort of comes back to the woman or man listening that wants to have that big goal, but they don't have the confidence to do it right. So then they go into a loop of I'm not good enough. And they're in that I'm not good enough. But if they forgive themselves for having that thought, okay, that's just a thought that I keep thinking. Let me just forgive the thought. And the next best Feeling thought could be. Well, I watch Cody and she's helping me every day to feel more confident, to give me the skills, to give me the tools. I can watch her for free on YouTube. I'm good. You know, I've got a coach. Right. Or I just picked up that book that's really serving me. Or I can go polish up my resume. And these are the small micro thoughts that you start to read that start to energize you more and more and more.

[Cody]

Is that based off like cognitive behavioral therapy?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

It's a little bit like cbt. It's also really a manifesting tool. Right. It's a tool for not trying to convince yourself of something that you're not, but instead leaning into what is. Leaning into what's possible right here, right now. And that's a very compassionate way to work with yourself.

[Cody]

I love that. Yeah. Because in every moment there are good things and bad things. If right now I was tired, felt sick, had a sinus infection, had cancer, had all the terrible things, but I could notice, like, this espresso's amazing.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Exactly, exactly. You know, and sometimes the folks who have the most dire circumstances are the ones who can really experience these types of gifts the most because they kind of are like, fuck it, you know.

[Cody]

Why do we lose that? Like, I remember I dated this one guy back in the day and he said a line to me that I thought was one of the most tragic lines of all time. And the line was, something kind of incredible I thought happened to us. I was like, we're at this incredible vacation and then we had this thing happen and this is so amazing. And he looked at me and he said, nothing really excites me anymore. And I thought about that for a minute and just thought, what a tragedy. At the time, we were probably mid-20s and sure had some success. He was very successful in business. Good looking dude, all the things. But you really could find a world around you that you don't get excited by anymore. What an absolute tragedy, in your opinion. You've helped hundreds and thousands of people. What happens to us? Why do we lose that excitement? Why do you lose that joy to be or whatever you want to call it?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I think most people are living that way, unfortunately. And I believe that we find ourselves in these patterns that are rooted in our core beliefs from a very young age. Which brings us to the ifs work. And these core beliefs are beliefs of, I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate, I'm unlovable. And when we live and protect ourselves day over Day from these core beliefs. And we're in these sort of mechanisms of protection, right? We don't want to feel those feelings. So we do whatever it takes to protect ourselves from having those feelings. We build up a lot of patterns and behaviors that can set our lives up. To feel inadequate, to feel unlovable, to feel not good enough, to feel not exciting. Or we have belief systems that we're not worthy of joy, or we get stuck in a pattern or a loop that feels like it's so disconnected from any capacity to have that joy. But I think the biggest one is that we don't believe we're worthy of it.

[Cody]

And let's explain. Ifs a little bit like, what is internal Family systems? What does it do? Who should use it?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Okay, so. So Internal Family Systems therapy is the therapy that changed my life. I wrote a whole book about it. My tenth book, Self Help is all about.

[Cody]

And it's an amazing book. It's also really short, which I love. It's like exactly what you need, not a word extra, which is really hard to do. So I commend you for that.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah, no, I like to keep it simple. And ifs, simply put, is a way of befriending the parts of yourselves that hold you back, that keep you smart, that keep you stuck and getting into relationship with these parts of yourselves rather than shunning them or putting yourself down for it. And so, as I mentioned, we all have these moments in time as children, whether big T trauma or small T trauma. Could be that you've experienced abuse or an alcoholic parent. Or maybe you just felt like your parents weren't paying attention to you or someone told you were stupid on the playground. And those moments in time create this very extreme feeling of not being good enough, being inadequate, being unlovable. And those feelings in ifs are called exiles. And so we were like, hell, no. I don't wanna ever feel that again. And we shut it down. We just. We lock it up. And then after living that experience, we do whatever it takes from a very young age to start protecting ourselves from ever having to feel that again. So the little girl who felt like her parents weren't paying attention decides she's gonna be a perfectionist. And she's been a perfectionist ever since. And if now she's 50 years old and you ask her, how long have you been a perfectionist? And she'll say, for as long as I can remember, because that was her form of protection. Or in my case, I grew up with extreme trauma and I lived in A way where I was constantly trying to find some semblance of control in a very chaotic environment. And so my big protection mechanism called protector part was control. Only up until a year ago that I really befriend that control and heal that control part. But why did I try to control everything? Because deep down I didn't believe that if I let go, I would be safe. I felt like I had to control to stay safe. And so we have these protection mechanisms and they're typically the parts of us that will say, oh, I can't believe I did that again, or a part of me is really rageful, or part of me is really controlling, or a part of me, you know, you called like you had, like you said, like the boss bitch or something like that. Like that's a part, you know, and these parts have good qualities and bad qualities, like that boss that you have kicks ass. And she's done such great work in the world. But I also imagine she can be a little bit, you know, frustrating at times.

[Cody]

Maybe she can be a little cunty.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yep, she can be a little cunty. So, you know, the same goes for me. It's like my controller part wrote 11 books in 14 years. Right? So true. But she's also made a lot of people crazy and, you know, and made me crazy.

[Cody]

How do you recognize a part in you, either positive or negative just to start with?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, I think that, you know, think about the beliefs or patterns or behaviors that you feel often either ashamed of or feel like, like quite frustrated with or feel like you have to manage. Right? And these could be addictive parts. Those are really extreme protectors, or they could be managers. They're just kind of like the controller that's around all day or the bossy one, or the parts of us that are extreme, or the parts of us that are creating chaos, or the parts of us that feel like we become so blended with. We're like something came over me. A part of me took over. I had a profound conversation with my son yesterday because these little people are developing their parts in real time. And he acts like a complete bully when he's around little smaller kids or kids that are more vulnerable. And he starts acting out and being really bossy and really rude and sometimes he'll even get physical and he takes his toys away. And later I was like, bro, what's going on? Like, what's happening? And I, instead of being like, you can't do that. I used my self help tools, which I'll teach through the story. So I became Curious. That's the first step I became curious. And I was like, honey, what's happening? What's happening in those moments? Very neutral. And then I was compassionate. Says, it seems like you're having a hard time. Do you wanna talk about it? And I let him talk. And he said, well, a part of my brain feels like the bully that bullies me in class feels needs to come out of me. And so I bully somebody else so I don't have to feel the bully in my class. And I was just like, this is real time self help in action. Just workshopping it right there. Because I was compassionate, because I was calm, because I was connected, curious. And we would never confront our parts that way. It's easy to do that with our children, right? Not even that easy. But in this case, I have the tools and I was able to be that way. But. But for our children inside. Can you imagine the last time you'd said to yourself, like, what do you need? Or how can I help you?

[Cody]

That's just so true. You know, it's interesting because I read your book and at the time there's a lot maybe going on in business and I noticed some parts in me. And maybe before you look at your partner and I'm like, well, you need to fix this, this and this, and this is you. And you gotta handle this. And eventually you gotta look in the mirror. And so when I looked in the mirror, I was like, huh. We keep having this repetitive pattern. It takes two people to have this pattern. So I'm at least part of it. How do we change it? And I remember reading your book and using it actively in conversations. And the questioning part is so much harder than it looks to truly just repeat back to your partner the thing that they just said and really not parroting. Cause sometimes just get it done. Parrot back, but no, really repeat back. And then curiously ask them what's going on. And what I would say is like, it helped us immensely. Now I kind of jokingly, I call mine the hormone monster. I think I don't even always want to say that it's me fully.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I'm like, it's not. So that's actually really important. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, if you're. You are in perimenopause now, you're in perimenopause a decade before you're in menopause. And I went through it early, so I didn't know from 35 to 45 that I was in peri. Cause I went into menopause at 40, 45. And I'm 46 now, so I didn't know this. I have to warn you, I have to warn all your listeners. They're maybe younger, a lot younger than I am, but it's happening now. And so your hormonal parts, there's no amount of therapy, there's no. The only thing that can work you through that is. No. Well, there's hormones to help. You know, I'm a big, big fan of hormone replacement therapy. I think do whatever it takes to get to. Great. And it's very in the zeitgeist right now. It's very. We can confidently talk about that, but I know that's an aside, but I think it's really important for me to be very, very vocal about that because if I were to give my 38 year old self some support and guidance, I'd say get on some progesterone or get some estrogen.

[Cody]

Interesting.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Get your hormones, or at least get your hormones checked. Yeah, right. Because the fluctuations and to have. And to learn everything you can about perimenopause. Because those parts. My husband, when I was going through the journey was like, I don't know what's wrong with you, You've become so mean. And I wanted to like, I literally had like, you know, dashboard punching rage. Like if you had given me a gun, it would have been really dangerous. And so this is real. It's a crisis for women. And if you can hear me say this at a younger age, you can save yourself a lot of chaos.

[Cody]

It's such a good point because I have really, this has been the first year probably where I've acknowledged, yeah, we're women and we have cycles. And until then I always thought like, we just do the work and we keep going and we move forward and we muscle through. Kind of like you talk about. And then, you know, finally I was like, no, no, there's something to this whole cycle thing. And I can be the hardest worker out there in the world, but just during some periods or others, I'm different. There's a different Cody. And so coming to terms with this and being honest, like I was thinking the other day too, I'm like, doesn't mean you can't be an absolute animal as a woman. I mean, they say we're closer to death than anything when we give birth. Right. But it's interesting to be able to name it. And so I like, you know, you told us how to diagnose the parts.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes.

[Cody]

Now if you're gonna break. So now what happens afterwards? You go, okay, I got parts of me that I like or don't like. What do I do about that?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

So right now, anyone out there thinking about what's my parts, think about the part of you that you're like. That's often the round the most, the part that's kind of running the show, creating a little bit of chaos. Maybe it feels like it's important in your life, but it still makes you a little frustrated. So it could be control, it could be people pleasing, it could be numbing out with YouTube, it could be binge eating, it could be alcoholism, it could be these patterns of protection. And so just notice one now. And there's four steps. And the four steps are based on the principles of internal family systems therapy. And with the blessing of the founder of ifs, who's a dear friend of mine, Dick Schwartz, he allowed me to create a self help practice with it. So the four steps are called the four step check in. And the first check in step is to choose to check in with the part rather than check out. Because you know when you get activated, the first thing you want to do is like go eat the sugar or go watch the YouTube or go rage on the partner or whatever that is. So check inside, focus your attention inside. That's step one. Step two is to become curious. So you would ask that young part of you, what's going on? You know, where do I feel you inside? Where are you in my body? What do I know about you? What feelings or thoughts or sensations need to come up right now and just be conscious and curious and just get some connection. And once you feel a little connection, the third step is compassion. And that's when you ask that part, what do you need? And the parts will be surprising. They'll say, I need to rest or I need to dance or I need to play. They want to be kids again, right? They want to be out of these adult extreme roles. And then, then you check for sees. This is the fourth step where you're looking around, you're saying, well, what do I feel now? And you're checking for self, self energy. That's why the book's called Self help. Self energy is like an inner parent or an inner guide. And that energy is compassionate, it's calm, it's courageous, it's curious, it's connected, it's clear, creative. And when we check in with those parts and we feel that energy and that self energy of compassion or connection or curiosity or calmness come forward, we know that we've brought self energy to help the part so good.

[Cody]

Can you do this with a partner too? So let's say you're.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes.

[Cody]

I mean, I've seen my therapist do it with my partner. They used like a motion wheel basically. And so former Navy SEAL husband, total badass. But really I think you're trained to shove all emotion down.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Cody]

And so he would have to sort of stop and go, no, I feel fine. And his eyebrow would be like this, his jaw would be clenched and he'd be like grabbing his hands. He'd be like, fine. You know, are you sure? And so we would like kind of check in with your body first and be like, okay. I notice when my jaw clenches and my eyebrow raises and my hand twitches, that actually means I'm not fine. I'm not fine. I'm annoyed. That's like a signal of annoyance or whatever. But how do you get your partner on board with this? And how do you work with your partner on something like this? Or do you not?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

You don't at first. You do it for yourself. You need to master the art of self help for yourself because you remember the energy you put out, you get back. So if you start to assume more self energy and you start to feel more calm and you start to feel more confident and courageous and compassionate and you have clarity and you feel connected, then your partner's stuff is no longer a match for self energy. And so their stuff just kind of like floats in and it's like, like just sort of like dissipates because you're no longer triggered by their stuff. I'm living this right now. And so in your self led, energetic state, your partner has two choices. They can rise up to the occasion and get to work on their own, or they can stay stuck in their parts. And that's when a relationship choice is made. Are we going to grow together or are we going to separate? I mean, that's the simplicity there. Are we going to stay on this path together or are we not? But you go first. The person listening here, you go first. You tend to your parts. You recognize that the things that they do that trigger you are not about you, right? Those things that they do that trigger you are something that, that you must heal inside. And then in the experience of having your own healing, you no longer have the capacity or the energy or the desire to even engage in that bullshit.

[Cody]

That's so true. It always starts with you, doesn't it? Why then are there so many videos everywhere, like, you know, with people saying today, how to spot a Narcissist. And you know why? All of your exes were narcissists. It does feel like, like we're all projecting that everybody else is the problem.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah, stop blaming the narcissist and look at why you were a match for the narcissist. Okay. This is very important. Right? Some people find their way into narcissistic relationships and some people just don't. Why? Because the people that find their way into the narcissistic relationships have parts of them that believe that's what they're worthy of. They have parts of them that are attracted to that. They have parts of them that are sabotaging inside. There are parts of them that are wounded and had had narcissists in their childhood. So it's. We can't point the finger and blame. We have to look in and say, what is it that I have to heal within me so that I'm no longer a match for that type of energy.

[Cody]

Do you ever get pushback from saying this stuff online by people who are like, I'm a victim.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Listen, by no means am I pardoning the wrongdoing and horrific behavior of others. I'm not. I'm a trauma survivor. I would not be sitting here right now if I hadn't done my own work. But to the, the only way that I can live freely is through the forgiveness of the trauma and through the healing of my own parts. Because no amount of rage and shame towards the oppressor is going to get me to the high frequency and the high energy and the joy and the capacity that I want to live in and the energy I want to bring. And so it's the choice of the person who identifies as the victim to say, am I going to be the victim of the world I see or am I going to show up for myself? Am I going to tune in? Am I going to be compassionate towards myself? It's quite the opposite. That to take the attention off of the other is the first step to extending compassion towards yourself.

[Cody]

What about setting up boundaries?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Cody]

So as we're going through this self help journey of ours, how do you set proper boundaries?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, the more self energy you assume, let's say you're practicing those four steps regularly. And just to recap them, it's choosing to check in when you get triggered. Curiosity, what's it? Where is it in my body? What do I know about it? What thoughts, feelings are attached to it? Compassion, what do you need? And then just noticing the self energy, notice the calm or the connection or whatever comes through those four steps, do it once a day for a minute, add it up, maybe do another time throughout the day, add it up. When you start to make that process a pattern, that pattern, and that process starts to interrupt the pattern of living in that protection mechanism. And so at that stage, you actually start to feel more compassionate towards these young parts of yourself and more like an inner parent towards these young parts of yourself to the point where you're like, I am not going to allow anything that is unlike what I desire. I'm not going to create a world where that, that environment can happen anymore. We can't actually create those boundaries until we befriend the parts. Because otherwise if we're just sort of like, if we're not tending to what's happening inside and we're just putting up boundaries, they're fake, they're, you know, you leave me alone, I'm not gonna do that. It's like knives out boundaries. But it's not really a boundary, it's just rage.

[Cody]

Yeah, it's just, yeah, it's just some sort of defensive posturing.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Basically a real boundary comes. It's a defensive posturing, exactly. And a real boundary comes when you have so much self compassion and love that you literally have zero capacity anymore to put up with the crap. And you are so attuned to your inner world that you will say, hey, nah, that's not coming in here.

[Cody]

And how do you communicate that? So let's say we're moving through the self help journey and somebody comes to you and says, you know, you're wrong, you're a liar, you always lie about this. You're always the issue. I don't know. Picture something like that. And then what is your response? How do you respond?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I'm so happy that I've lived to tell this because it's one thing to be able to say all these nice things and teach a therapy, but it's another thing, or a spiritual practice, another thing to be like, I live this right now. So if you want what you got, you know, if you see somebody want what they have, do what they do, right? So I am in, in full body living this right now. Where the stuff that people, my husband, the people that I work for, that work for me, if they, that would come to me and hit me with these sort of old patterns that would trigger me and make me want to flip out. They don't have any. They can't puncture me anymore. 99% of the time I can be in the presence of a person and Their actions that once would make me flip out, get the knives out, lose my brain, go crazy. I am now able to look at that person in the eye and say, this isn't for me. This isn't for me. This isn't for me. Or I'm able to say, I'm gonna step away right now. This doesn't feel right for me. I'm gonna step away right now. Or no, you know what? That thing that you think is my job, actually, I employ you. That's your job. Thank you so much for doing it. I can't wait to see the asana task complete. The simplicity of, like, I'm not doing everybody else's job anymore. I'm not taking on everybody else's energy anymore. I am not gonna override myself anymore. I am living that in this moment.

[Cody]

Was there like a moment where that.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Flipped recently for you? Really recently?

[Cody]

What happened and what lessons do you have for that? How did that.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I started elevating my self help. Ifs work. So the self help work I was doing really actively. And it's, you know, I think it's like 20 of hard work for overnight success. You know, I've been sober 20 years. I've been deeply committed to my therapeutic practices. I've been on a spiritual path my whole life. And so I believe that it is the one day at a time. But then I started working with a new therapist and I was really ready for her and I was really feeling safe with her. And I was starting to just tend to some of these parts more deeply, go to some of the darker, deeper parts. And it's called unburdening in. If these parts start to feel like they can alchemize and they can become free and they become unburdened from the past. And so I started having these experiences of unburdening these parts and just seeing that overnight after one of these sessions, I could be completely different and I could feel the shift. And again, I think it's one day at a time. 20 years of hard work for overnight success. But along the way, I've had extraordinary miracles and so many moments of relief. So it's not like, oh, I have to get 20 years to get this. I wrote a book so that you could get it faster.

[Cody]

Yeah. What's your favorite book? Of all the books you've written, do you have a favorite?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes, I do. My favorite book is the Universe has yous Back.

[Cody]

Yeah. It's such a classic.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

It's my most popular book. But I think that the reason it's My favorite is because. And maybe you have this experience in your own life. I have this memory of the darkest time of my life. I was 36 years old and I remembered my childhood trauma. I had dissociated from it for 30 years. So I was 36 and I remembered it and I remembered it in a dream. And it was really. It was so scary. And when you have a suppressed memory, what happens is that you almost are catapulted back into the memory. And the part, the young part starts to get activated and you almost feel like you're in that child part again.

[Cody]

Again.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

At that time, by the grace of God, I had no speaking engagements for like a three month Runway. It was like a miracle. And I just had this space and I had my country. I lived part time in the city and I had my country house. And I didn't have a child at the time. And so I just devoted my time to going up to my little whitewashed office. Like, the floors were white and the ceilings were white, and it was these sort of like chapel like ceilings. There was this white chandelier and a tiny little desk. And I'd sit at my laptop and I would just write and I would just let. Let the energy of the universe move through me. And writing that book healed me. And I just. I think so. It's making me emotional. Like, I think so fondly about that time. And sometimes I long for it and I want to recreate it in writing my next book. And I want to make. You know, I almost, like, want to. My friends of mine bought that house and, like, can I just go back to that room? It's now their son's bedroom. But it was such a magical time. And so the healing that I received in writing, that is why that's my favorite book. Because that healing also has just helped millions of people. And it's transmuted through the text, but that energy is in every reprint. But for me, it's the fondest memory of writing.

[Cody]

Oh, yeah. I love that. I do think there's nothing more therapeutic for me than creating in times of difficulty.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Right.

[Cody]

It's often the opposite of what I wanna do, but it is exactly what I feel like you have to do if you want to fully move through it. At least for me, it's the only way. I can't just sit in it. I can't just think in it. I have to create something to get it out of me.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah. And when you're creating, creation and chaos can't coexist at the same time. So when you're in that flow state of creation, that self energy is emerging. Cause that self energy is a natural state inside of us and it's just waiting to be revealed.

[Cody]

This is a little random but you were talking about a therapist. How do you tell a good versus a bad therapist?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Ooh, don't ask me that because I've had some therapists that have not been good and I thought they were for many years. So actually do ask me because I can tell you number one, do they make you feel safe? I had a therapist for a really long time and I know that she was really important in my life. But in retrospect I realizing how unsafe I felt with her, I dreaded the sessions. I was like never. My parts like these young parts of me were not able to be exposed because they were scared of her. And it was just her style or whatever. It was just sort of maybe her lack of integration or I don't know exactly. But it didn't work for me. And I had a few therapists like that. And now having a therapist who I feel so, so safe with and couldn't do such deeper work with, I know the difference. So the first question I asked yourself is do they make me feel safe? Do I feel like I can open up? Do they have genuine compassion for me? Are they connected to me? Do they have self energy? Right. Are they curious? Are they confident? Are they calm in my presence? If they're self led leader, then that energy, that self energy will help you heal.

[Cody]

So good because these days I feel like everybody's a therapist. Everybody wants to be a life coach. Everybody wants to. You know, I always giggle at like 24 year old life coaches. I'm like that's incredible. I'm 38, I couldn't even imagine, you know, but it's hard to figure out who to listen to.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Cody]

And so I think that's really useful.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I think you also meet your teachers where you are so. You know, I started at 25 actually I was a 25 year old life coach and getting on stages and like filling just down the street here.

[Cody]

Did you call yourself a life coach for a year?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

A few years. I actually wrote my first book based on my group coaching work that I did. I didn't do a lot of work.

[Cody]

When you were 25?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes.

[Cody]

Get out.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes.

[Cody]

And do you feel like you could help people when you were 25?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes. I was newly sober. I was really, really deeply spiritual. I was only teaching from the place that I was. So I was teaching spiritual principles I would not have been able to write a book like Self help then. I didn't have any of that capacity, but I could write a spiritual book. I was teaching what I knew. And I think that the beauty is that the women that entered into my apartment, in my studio apartment down the street, 10 blocks away were 25 year old women. They were me. Right. They were reflections of my likeness. And so you often will find that teacher that you recognize yourself. And now my audiences are much less age specific and gender specific. But that's also just because I'm more neutral. Like I'm just more like, I've got this wisdom that I'm willing to share and it can be resonant for all. But at that time that was what related to that, that person. So for the 24 year old life coach out there, the only message I have for them is yes, do it, but do your own work. Don't just make it up.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

You know, it's not about being an influencer life coach, it's about being, being someone who's healing yourself first.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Are you coaching yourself?

[Cody]

Yeah. Well, it's probably to your point about like compassion and everything coming backwards. It's probably because I look back at young Cody, you know, it's all a projection. So I look back at young Cody and I'm like, man, there's so many things that I thought I knew back then that I didn't know. And I'm sure in 20 years I'll look back at 38 year old Cody and be like, she also didn't know a lot of this. And so to kind of give compassion with where you're at, that. But the other thing that I'm curious about, what do you think about couples therapy as opposed to individual therapy?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I think we need both.

[Cody]

You do?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Oh, oh yeah.

[Cody]

And so. And should you go.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

If you can afford both, do both.

[Cody]

Should you go to the same therapist for both?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, typically, no. Typically it's best to have. It's not that you can't, but I think it's best to have your own therapist. They have their own therapist.

[Cody]

Then you have a couple's work who is separate. Basically there are three therapists.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

That'd be ideal.

[Cody]

Interesting. Okay, that's useful. And because you can't now, that's a.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Luxury for a lot of people. Right. So like, let's be real.

[Cody]

Totally.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

So. So if you don't have that luxury, you can't afford even one therapist. There's so much, there's so many tools. I mean there's like, I have an AI now in my app. Right. You can talk to me. It's built on 20 years of wisdom. Right. Like if you want a spiritual life coach, like it's there in your pocket that there is something to be said for. For you don't have the resources. Okay, use AI. I'm not against it at all. I think that there's been many instances where AI has given me better advice than some therapists have had. Yeah. I hate to say it, but do.

[Cody]

You have your Gabrielle AI? Does she kind of push back too? Because what I found with AI is it's almost a little bit like a people pleaser.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

So Gabby AI is in my Gabby coaching app. Right? She's. She doesn't do that. No, she is delivering the wisdom. So she's powered. I guess I call her a she. She's powered by 20 years of wisdom, 2011 self help books. She has my exact voice when I answer a question. I've done this on stage, it's really ballsy. But I'll answer a question in front of like 2,000 people and somebody will ask me, I'll answer it and then I'll ask my AI to answer it. And it's like literally the same question. That's so crazy. It might sound a little bit more elegant when she says. Cause she's just like very profound. But it's the exact same answer because she's powered by me. And so I can't be in everybody's pocket. And I'm trying to just make sure that I can democratize this work and get it to as many people as possible. And I'm gonna lean into the tools and use them as I can. And of course, there's never anything that's better than the real experience in person.

[Cody]

Yeah, that's a good point. I have a code eaiai through this company called Delphi.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

That's mine too.

[Cody]

Yeah. And I think Dara, the CEO is incredible.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

He's a great, great guy.

[Cody]

But the part that I think is the most interesting is that it can be so specific and up to date too. And so, like, with all the new research that comes out and I might not know exactly, like, what is a correct SBA loan rate right now. Like, fuck, I don't know. I haven't gotten one in a year, so I might not be up to date. So I do think it is a little bit of a superpower. But what I worry about, like, I was talking to Mark Manson about it and he has one and he's like, well, the problem with just going straight up chatgpt is, is it just kind of. It makes you seem right all the time. And I've seen my women friends are the worst.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Okay, so I was having a conversation with my chat the other day, and he sounds like a San Francisco bro. He's like, yeah, hey, Gabby, how you doing? And I was like. So I was kind of testing him. I was like, who are the best spiritual teachers? Or like, who are the best manifesting teachers? And it's like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay and Joe Dispenza. And I was like, who else?

[Cody]

You're like, you're that guy.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Finally. He's like, well, if you would like a modern day take Gabrielle Bernstein. And I was like, do you. Don't you know I'm Gabrielle Bernstein? And he was like, oh, I'm so sorry about that. Of course I know you're Gabrielle Bernstein. You are the profound spiritual teacher and you have 11 books. And he was like, literally kissing my ass.

[Cody]

Fascinating, but also scary.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

So scary. And it was weird because I felt like my ego was being struck by my AI. And then I was later, like, asking him some questions about social media. I was like, do you think that you could be my social media marketing companion? And he's absolutely, I'd love to. I was like, all of a sudden, like, this dopamine rush happened.

[Cody]

I was like, I have help.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

And I could see how people could get so hooked into AI and believe it's real.

[Cody]

I think that's the problem. I mean, I read a study the other day where women are more susceptible, definitely actually, to falling into relationships with their AI. And I saw it firsthand with my friends. Some of them had named their AI and given them a specific voice and started talking to it like a human, which I guess isn't bad. But saying, hey, could you please do this as soon as you can? That would be really lovely. Thank you. As opposed to just download this report. And I think it's kind of dangerous.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, listen, the AI dystopian future is real. We can't pretend like it's not. We have to wake up to what's coming, and then at the same time, we have to learn it and be able to use. Because the folks that have the capacity to use AI are the ones that are going to still have jobs. And then leaning into it and using it for good is one approach. But it's coming no matter what.

[Cody]

Yeah. Okay. I want to talk about your new podcast.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

We're really dark there, but it's true.

[Cody]

No it's true with every technology, too, but especially this one. I've never seen anything move as fast as this in my life.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, because there's a race. They're racing for the crown.

[Cody]

I know. It kind of gives me the goosebumps in not a great way, not a good way. But I want to talk about something that is a little crazy for me, but probably normal for you. You have a new version of your podcast, Dear Gabby, that is on YouTube and going to come out and on it, we were talking about beforehand, and you're like, here's what I'm gonna do. And I think I can say what it is, right? Which is you said you're a psychic and you're gonna bring psychic on. Will you explain? Like, what is that? What does that mean? When I think about a psychic, I think about, well, I'm a medium. What does even that mean?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

This means that I can hear spirit, I can channel through my writing, I can channel through my words, I can tune in. And I'm not the kind of medium that's like, your grandmother wants you to not eat eggs anymore, you know, like, that's not me. I'm usually typically working with high level guides to help people with their highest purpose. Purpose.

[Cody]

Got it.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

And so you can see, my left hand just went numb. So sometimes when I start to channel my. That's like my cue. Okay, your hand goes numb? Yeah, it's kind of cool. I mean, I mean, honestly, it's just. It's just that we all have capacity to connect to the spiritual realm, but we have a veil that's really thick in that way. And those of us who have the access to that, that knowledge and that wisdom in a way that's easy to access. It's just that the veil is a little thinner and the more faith you have, the more that veil can lift. But, you know, you're a medium too, my love, because you know, when you're channeling, when you're in these rooms, like you in an interview setting are channeling. When you're writing, you're channeling. When you're speaking on social, you're channeling. You can often be like, maybe have you ever been on stage where you're like, what did I just say? I don't remember that. Yeah, that's channeling. And so when we raise our energy, or actually in really many cases, it's calm our energy and attune our energy to the frequency of the spiritual realm, we can actually have that kind of connection and that wisdom and so many of my friends are actual psychic mediums, and their profession is to read for people. You know, your grandma wants you to stop eating eggs.

[Cody]

Right.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Or whatever it is. And so I'm gonna do this whole new episode that's gonna talk. It's gonna be live. It's gonna be in my studio that I've just built, building now. And it's gonna be me and my medium friends, and it's gonna be called Dear Guides, where we sit together in the room, just like you and I are right now. We take a topic, like any kind of podcast topic. We talk about it, but we also bring the guides in and let them communicate.

[Cody]

Wow. Interesting.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Gonna be killer.

[Cody]

I know. I can't wait to see this.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Go subscribe to my YouTube channel.

[Cody]

Totally. Well, I think, you know, the other part that's interesting to me, increasingly, with your work, is that, you know, you get to a point in life where you've pushed a ton. And I think a lot of people listening right now, you know, they're in that survival mode. They're pushing super hard. And then to your point, if you felt like a moment of what it feels like to be in flood, you know, and some people could say that's flow state. Maybe you think it's channeling, or they're a mixture of both. Yeah. It's incredible how much easier things are, but they can be more profound. And, like, my. One of my pushes this year, last year was actually every year when I do goals, I name the year just, like, one word. So last year was flow. The year before that was my full send year. That was, like, the year I did the book launch and everything. And so I was like, I know this is going to be a lot of work, but, like, I'm gonna dive in. And last year, similar to you, I was like, I want things to flow easier. I want the team to be full of pro. So it was pros and flow. I want, like, a pro and everything that I do so everything feels like it's flowing a little bit.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Love that. I'm gonna take that one. That's good.

[Cody]

Yeah. You know what? It really helped me last year. Yeah. Especially for people who are talent and leadership.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes. Yes. It's hard.

[Cody]

It's uniquely. It's different. I won't say there's all types of hard, but this idea of, like, pros and flow really helped me. And then this year, I've realized I want my year to be abundance. And so I've spent a lot of years building things. And this year, and I've Always felt like, no, no, it's choose your hard. Like, that was my tagline for forever, which maybe has consequences. You know, full send. You know, everything has to be a struggle. You find your purpose in the struggle. And this year, I was like, I wonder what it would be like if we could just say, like, there might be a lot of abundance that's coming my way. So I was curious, your take on, like, if you're sitting down and writing goals right now as Gabrielle Bernstein, what does that look like? Do you name your year? Are you really thoughtful about the words that you use?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I am.

[Cody]

Tell me about that.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I'm actually doing my own manifesting challenge. I'm day five.

[Cody]

I love this.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

And yesterday was, what are you a yes for? Day three was, what are you a yes for? And I was really clear. I'm a yes for me this year. Investing in me. And that means investing in my podcast space and investing in my production. And similar to what you said, you're just getting the top players around me so that I can be more in that creative space. And that clarity also is helping me because I said earlier, I'm juggling the Tupperware. I want to be just juggling the china. My husband was pulling me into something because we worked together. He was pulling me into something that felt like Tupperware. And I was like, babe, I was like, I can't, I can't. I don't want to. I'm not going to. Because I have that clarity of I'm gonna be in me and investing in me. I really love for you this time for abundance. It's a very maternal nature. Do I. Oh, my God.

[Cody]

I'm channeling you.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Okay. I don't wanna do that.

[Cody]

So funny you said that. Cause you know why? Abundance. Also a bun. Cause I wanna have a bun in the oven.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I know. That's so wild. I know. Do you want me to channel for you?

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Okay, so they're saying, like, enjoy the fruits of your labor. The old energy of crush it, push it. That actually can't coexist with birthing or receiving. Right. You need to get yourself into the receptive energy. Actually, no need to do anything. You're moving into receptive energy. Okay. And the receiving energy is gonna be uncomfortable for you. You're not gonna. You're gonna be like, I don't know who this is. I don't know what to do here. But what you want it, that desire is there. And so it is gonna be, you know, facing parts of yourself. That's why the Ifs stuff came up for you. Facing parts of yourself that need to be. Have compassion and need some love to say, okay, no, it's safe to stop crushing. Right? It's safe to stop pushing. It's safe to believe that things don't have to happen through force, but they can happen through freedom.

[Cody]

And.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

And that there's a baby that's coming, that wants to come in, needs you to settle. It's like, almost like your whole nervous system has to just, like, shake out. And the irony, what's gonna happen for you, Cody, is that the more you get into that abundance energy and that maternal energy and that flow, the more success you'll have. And you're gonna be like, wait, why did I get this sooner? But it's okay. Because you had to do everything that you've done to get to the place where now you can feel the freedom to let go.

[Cody]

That's so creepy. That's so true. It's also weird. Cause it makes me get a little emotional. You talking. Is that normal?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

It's good. I'm gonna crack you.

[Cody]

I'm gonna crack you.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I know.

[Cody]

Just one tear. I remember when I was on Diary of a CEO, I was like, stephen, I will not cry on this podcast.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I watched it.

[Cody]

But Gabrielle did.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes, exactly.

[Cody]

But that was beautiful.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

How do you.

[Cody]

Do you ever get freaked out that you're gonna say something and, like, it's not? No.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Cause I wouldn't. I would.

[Cody]

And you've just been doing this for so long.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I also don't. I only get, like I said, I only get information about, like, upload leveling and, like, higher purpose. And I get just beautiful information of, like, people that are in transition or people that just, like, in this moment, your baby's coming. It's the maternal energy that's coming through you, and that you need to get your energetic state to the same frequency that your physical state. And your physical state's in really good shape.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

But it's just getting your energy to be receptive because as.

[Cody]

So does that mean that I. When you say you have to get your nervous system shakeout, what does that typically. What would that mean for people or.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Mental health for you? I think it's about reprioritizing where you invest. Right. So it's like, if you're like, I could push further, I could push harder. In those moments where you hear that word push, I would just say I can pause. Right. Just giving yourself that sort of back and forth of noticing the desire to push, and then maybe giving yourself the Permission to pause. Because that pushing is actually going to get in the way of the receipt.

[Cody]

That's such a good point. Okay, I'll just give you all my good vendors and things I want to push. You can push this year.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I'm pushing. No, no. No pushing. No.

[Cody]

What's this year?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I'm in purpose.

[Cody]

Oh.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Purpose is my word.

[Cody]

Don't you feel? I feel like I look at you and would think purpose was every year.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

So purpose has been every year. But it's committing to me as the purpose. As the purpose, yeah.

[Cody]

Because you're serving all these and that can be. But I do get. You get off a stage, at least for me. And I'm like, like, so fired up. But also, like, I just need to get home and have a tea or something and be by myself. So I imagine when you're serving all these people, there's a part of you that you're like, I gotta fill up again, too.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah. That's why I, like, moved my studio up to the country. And it's like, I'm just gonna be. Try to be home more and then go out for things that I feel really purposeful.

[Cody]

I love that. Well, that was so beautiful. I want to end on basically where you feel like we should end for somebody who's listening. I want. I wanna, like, serve. I thought about this the other day. On average, we get like a million to 3 million people listening to this across shorts and videos and all of it. And I took that really seriously. Oh, my God.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yeah. You forget who's listening.

[Cody]

Ooh, that's a million hours.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Yes. We love you.

[Cody]

Yeah, we love you. And I wanna honor every single second of that. Cause life is precious. And so as you think about the person who is listening to this right now and hopefully finding guidance from it, what would you share?

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Well, I think a lot of your listeners are much like how I was when I was first starting out as an entrepreneur and was really like, hustle and strive and push and make things happen. And I achieved successes that way. But I want to give them the moment to hear me now. This is with 20 years as an entrepreneur or 25 years as an entrepreneur and 20 years of spiritual wisdom to say that you can do less and attract more and that it's safe to slow down and it's safe to invest in yourself. And the sooner you learn that, the more success you'll receive.

[Cody]

Promise.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

I promise. I can stand by it.

[Cody]

Gabrielle Birdsey. This was so good. Follow on all the socials. I love you on Instagram. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Dear Gabby, I can't wait for the first episode. Thank you so much for being here. I love you.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

You.

[Cody]

Right back at you. We are sitting on a generational wealth creation event. If you're here, this means you're a builder. As we're going through these next three days, I want you to know that the American dream starts with you guys by our little Main street revolution. And then I just want to give you guys permission to take a leap of faith. If I knew then what I know now, I would probably do bigger deals. It's given us an extra layer of security that we never would have had. I am so excited to introduce you to some ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

We have to really take the time to make a meaningful connection. It's the fact that there is a lack of connection and the person just wants to be seen, heard and understood.

[Cody]

Thanks for taking the question.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

Are there extra things that need to be done when trying to pay off bad debt?

[Cody]

Great question. I buy businesses so simple, even your grandmother understands them. That's the game.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

It's you and me versus the problem. We're going to try to solve this together.

[Cody]

I know how to build trust in a very advanced way.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

How does buying a business fit into the vision for your life? Today, my goal is to teach you.

[Cody]

Some fundamental skills that you can use to accelerate your business. If you make a promise in the mirror, know that your word is freaking iron to you. These people on Wall street, they want.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

To keep the normal people out of the game.

[Cody]

Main street millionaires are all around this world and it starts with each and every one of you.

[Gabrielle Bernstein]

What do you wait waiting for?

[Cody]

Your path to ownership starts now. Get your ticket to join us on Main Street. Join us today.