Biohack-it Podcast: Why Most Relationships Fail (And How to Choose Better)

Host: Iman Hasan
Guest: Mark Groves (Relationship expert and founder of “Create the Love”)
Date: December 18, 2025

Overview

In this powerful, heartfelt episode, Iman Hasan welcomes Mark Groves, renowned relationship coach and creator of "Create the Love", for an unfiltered discussion on why most relationships fail, how to choose better partners, and the importance of radical self-awareness. Together, they debunk myths around love, discuss societal pressures—particularly on women—and provide actionable insights for building healthy, aligned relationships. The episode offers a blend of personal storytelling, attachment theory, practical guidance, and compassionate wisdom for anyone navigating love, heartbreak, or self-discovery.

Key Themes & Insights

1. Breakups as Catalysts for Transformation

• Mark explains how breakups provide unique opportunities to deconstruct past patterns and realign with one’s true self.

• Memorable Quote:

  “If you date unavailable people, you are unavailable. If you tolerate bullshit in relationships, you're part of the bullshit.”
  (Mark Groves, 00:00)

• Both Iman and Mark share personal stories of post-breakup liberation, addressing cultural shame—particularly towards women who leave relationships.

2. Challenging Societal Norms and Gender Expectations

• Iman highlights societal pressures on women to stay in unfulfilling relationships, noting the judgment faced when choosing independence ("Did you meet someone else?").
• Mark distinguishes between healthy compromise and self-abandonment in relationships.
• Quote:

  “Relationships require compromise, but they don’t require self-abandonment. Those are two different things.”
  (Mark Groves, 05:01)

3. Values Alignment and Conscious Partnership

• Clear alignment on values, life goals, and relationship agreements is crucial from the outset.
• Mark recalls how, early in his life, he failed to see feedback as growth but now views feedback from his wife as essential wisdom.
• Quote:

  "If you want to be in a really high functioning relationship, a healthy relationship, you have to have humility and you have to be able to eat humble pie. But humble pie does not taste very good."
  (Mark Groves, 06:40)

4. Green Flags & Red Flags: What to Look For

• Iman asks: Top 3 green flags and red flags when starting a new relationship.
  • Green Flags:
    • Ability to communicate and align on the pace and space of the relationship.
    • Kindness and generosity, especially towards people who can’t do anything for them.
    • No games, straightforward communication—energy feels easy and simple.
  • Red Flags:
    • Rapid escalation or “love bombing” (fairytale, Disney energy).
    • Poor response to boundaries or requests.
    • Attempts to isolate you from friends/family (classic narcissistic behavior).
• Quote:

  "As soon as you're thinking about power in a relationship, you're already participating in a thought that power is scarce."
  (Mark Groves, 09:25)

5. Scarcity vs. Abundance Mindset in Love

• Iman emphasizes approaching love and life with abundance: "There are 8 billion people in the world"
• Mark connects the scarcity mindset to self-protection and confirmation bias (“There’s no good people in LA”), highlighting how our beliefs shape our experiences.
• Quote:

  "If I believe there's no people, what I'm really saying is I don't trust people and I'm choosing unconsciously people... who validate my fears and validate my beliefs."
  (Mark Groves, 15:47)

6. The Trap of Over-Intellectualizing Self-Improvement

• Mark warns that endlessly consuming self-help without action creates another identity (“I’m always working on myself” becomes a crutch).
• Growth is about implementing knowledge and embracing opportunities rather than obsessing over what’s “broken”.

7. Kindness, Generosity, and the Danger of Taking Partners for Granted

• Mark distinguishes between being kind publicly versus with one’s closest people; lack of congruence signals deeper issues or unresolved conflicts.

• People often project their worst onto intimate partners, enabled by assumptions of permanence (marriage=“can’t leave”).

• Quote:

  "If you don't have access to no, you don't actually have access to yes."
  (Mark Groves, 21:28)

• Healthy relationships involve daily, mindful choosing of one another; feeling stuck leads to stagnation or bitterness.

8. The Gendered Nature of Divorce Initiation

• Women initiate 73% of divorces.
• By the time someone leaves, the decision often builds over two years of unmet needs and ignored signals.
• Mark urges men to cultivate greater emotional intelligence, noting that socialization has failed to prepare them for today’s relational demands.

9. Accountability and Not Trying to “Fix” Unavailable Partners

• When asked how to help men become emotionally available, Mark stresses avoiding codependency:
  • Set boundaries, call-forward growth explicitly (therapy, men’s groups, etc.)
  • Don’t try to "fix" someone else—step back, invite them forward with space, not pressure.
  • “If you date unavailable people, you are unavailable.” (Mark Groves, 29:44)

10. Attachment Styles: Understanding and Transcending Old Patterns

• Attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure, disorganized) stem from early experiences with caregivers.
• Mark reframes “I am [anxious/avoidant]” as a temporary reaction, not a permanent label.
  • Anxious: hypersensitive to distance/threat to connection
  • Avoidant: fears being engulfed; needs space to self-regulate
• The path to secure attachment involves:
  • Self-compassion
  • Learning to choose oneself rather than compulsively seeking external validation
• Quote:

  "If you're someone who always wanted to be chosen, then you have to ask yourself, how am I not choosing myself? Because once you do that, then you're not waiting for someone else to choose you."
  (Mark Groves, 38:18)

11. Breakups as Opportunity: The Power of Self-Reflection and Grief

• Mark: The pain of a breakup is a “potent vehicle for transformation.” True healing requires honest reflection, sobriety, and the courage to feel difficult emotions.
• External betrayal is almost always preceded by “internal betrayal” (not listening to your intuition or setting boundaries).
• Quote:

  "If you do it [breakup] sober, you will be. Yeah. And all the ways in which we anesthetize our grief, we don't realize that grief is one of the most potent vehicles for transformation."
  (Mark Groves, 45:15)

12. How to Move Forward and Attract the Right Relationship

• The best path after a breakup: come alive, pursue passions, and align deeply with your own values.

• “Get a revenge soul—not just a revenge body.” (Mark Groves, 49:49)

• To find aligned love, become the evidence that alignment is possible through how you live and relate.

• Quotes:

  "If we want to find a partner who is aligned with our values, we have to be aligned with our values."
  (Mark Groves, 50:25)

  "Live your life in the most full spectrum of color and live it to its utmost potential. Because I'm living for me and creating from that place of abundance, joy, fulfillment, love and beautiful relationships..."
  (Iman, 51:12)

  "What's meant for me will never miss me, and what misses me is never meant for me."
  (Mark Groves, 52:47)

  “What is meant for you will find you. Even if it's hiding between two mountains, if it's not meant for you, even if it’s between your lips, it will not be yours.”
  (Iman, 53:01, referencing an Islamic proverb)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• Intro, Mark's Origin Story & Societal Judgement (00:00 - 04:56)
• Leaving Relationships and Liberation for Women (03:34 - 06:06)
• Compromise vs. Self-Abandonment (05:26)
• Green Flags vs. Red Flags (07:19 - 12:41)
• Scarcity Mindset vs. Abundance in Love (15:14 - 17:31)
• Personal growth vs. Overconsumption of Self-help (18:00 - 19:36)
• Kindness to Strangers vs. Partners (19:50 - 22:54)
• Daily Choice, Divorce Statistics, and Men’s Emotional Growth (23:39 - 27:09)
• Developing Emotional Availability—Avoiding Codependency (28:55 - 32:22)
• Attachment Styles, Self-Reflection, and Healing (32:22 - 41:33)
• Building Consciously Chosen Relationships (41:33 - 43:21)
• Breakups, Grief, and Accountability (44:47 - 49:49)
• How to Attract the Right Relationship—Living in Alignment (49:49 - 53:42)
• Cultural and Spiritual Wisdom on Destiny (53:01 - 53:39)
• Outro & Where to Find Mark (53:42 - 54:54)

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “If you tolerate bullshit in relationships, you’re part of the bullshit.” (Mark, 00:00)
• “Relationships require compromise, but they don’t require self-abandonment.” (Mark, 05:01)
• “By the time someone leaves [a relationship], it’s been about two years.” (Mark, 24:36)
• “If you date unavailable people, you are unavailable.” (Mark, 29:44)
• “If you don’t have access to no, you don’t actually have access to yes.” (Mark, 21:28)
• “If you want to find a partner aligned with our values, we have to be aligned with our values.” (Mark, 50:25)
• “What’s meant for me will never miss me, and what misses me is never meant for me.” (Mark, 52:47)

Final Takeaways

• Breakups are not failures, but invitations to growth, alignment, and self-knowledge.
• True relationship health requires radical honesty, self-responsibility, and the courage to set and maintain boundaries.
• Your mindset—scarcity or abundance—shapes what you attract in love.
• Healing attachment wounds and becoming an “embodied” version of yourself draws the right partners and opportunities toward you.
• Live your fullest, most honest life, and the love you seek will find you when you are truly ready.

Find Mark Groves:

• Create the Love
• MarkGroves.com
• Substack: Weekly letters & daily notes
• Mark Groves Podcast

Host: Iman Hasan, [Biohack-it Podcast]
Reclaim your health and life—on your terms.