Ari Shaffir & "Will Phil & Turner Get Into Jewish Heaven?"

Summary

Podcast Summary: Black and White Advice Episode: Ari Shaffir & "Will Phil & Turner Get Into Jewish Heaven?" Release Date: May 20, 2025

Hosted by Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett, "Black and White Advice" brings together diverse perspectives to tackle challenging questions on race. In this episode, comedian Ari Shaffir joins Turner and Phil to discuss intricate aspects of Jewish culture, religious laws, and the intersection of black and Jewish communities.

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1. Introduction of Guest: Ari Shaffir (03:38 - 04:46)

Turner and Phil warmly welcome Ari Shaffir to the show, highlighting his background and contributions to comedy and podcasting.

Turner Sparks [03:38]:

"Ari Shaffir. Welcome to the show. You all know Ari from the 'You Be Tripping' podcast. You know him from his special on YouTube and your latest special."

Ari Shaffir [04:22]:

"Thank you. I'm doing great."

2. Exploring Jewish Cultural Practices (05:00 - 14:18)

Ari delves into his upbringing in an Orthodox Jewish community, detailing distinctive practices and attire, such as yarmulkes and specific hairstyles.

Ari Shaffir [06:04]:

"Yeah. Not quite Orthodox. Just Orthodox."

Phil Duckett [09:16]:

"That's crazy shit. And that's how you do the ad. They ain't gonna pay you shit. That was fucking awful."

Ari explains the significance of curly hair in Orthodox Judaism and the maintenance of yarmulkes during activities like basketball.

Ari Shaffir [11:05]:

"It's five. Five? Come on, guys, this is basic."

3. The Seven Laws of Noah and Jewish Heaven (25:38 - 31:36)

The trio discusses the concept of the Seven Laws of Noah, a set of universal moral guidelines in Judaism, and their implications for non-Jews seeking entry into Jewish heaven.

Aaron from Lake Tahoe [25:31]:

"I heard there is a way for non-Jews to get into Jewish heaven. Something about the seven laws of Noah. What are they? And do Turner and Phil qualify?"

Phil Duckett [26:16]:

"But all I need is seven."

Turner Sparks [27:04]:

"What is Jewish?"

Ari outlines the complexity and exclusivity of Jewish religious laws concerning the afterlife.

Ari Shaffir [27:24]:

"What you're missing is that the seven laws require adherence that is deeply rooted in Jewish tradition and practice."

4. Shabbos Goy and Religious Observances (38:10 - 40:16)

The conversation shifts to the role of a "Shabbos Goy"—a non-Jewish person who performs certain tasks for observant Jews on the Sabbath.

Turner Sparks [38:12]:

"And then I was going to get into. I could be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

Ari Shaffir [38:38]:

"There's no such thing as a Jewish cemetery. That's just us going, we can't get those. We'll make our own."

Ari and Phil discuss the nuances of adhering to Sabbath laws and the social dynamics involved in maintaining religious observances.

5. Interactions Between Black and Jewish Communities (49:04 - 50:15)

Ari, Turner, and Phil explore the historical and contemporary interactions between black and Jewish communities, addressing stereotypes and mutual perceptions.

Phil Duckett [49:06]:

"What are you eyeballing me for? Like. No, you."

Ari Shaffir [49:16]:

"Right. You don't look away."

They highlight the discomfort that can arise from miscommunications and the importance of respectful interactions.

6. Audience Questions and Discussions (25:30 - 56:19)

The Q&A segment features a variety of questions from listeners, ranging from theological inquiries to cultural observations.

Marcus from Dallas, Texas [54:09]:

"Why do white people have to carry a water bottle everywhere they go?"

Phil Duckett [54:25]:

"Cuz white people don't wear lotion. So that's the way they stay moisturized."

The hosts and Ari provide humorous yet insightful answers, blending cultural commentary with comedic elements.

7. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts (56:30 - End)

As the episode wraps up, the hosts promote their upcoming live shows and encourage listeners to engage with their Patreon for bonus content.

Turner Sparks [56:30]:

"It's the worst part about going to Nam. Sharing the luggage. All right, that's the show everybody."

Ari Shaffir [57:18]:

"Well, who was the impression at the beginning of the episode?"

Phil Duckett [57:22]:

"Sean Connery."

The episode concludes with a lighthearted exchange and final promotional messages.

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Notable Quotes:

• Turner Sparks [11:05]:

  "We don't know anything."

• Phil Duckett [25:03]:

  "But all I need is seven."

• Ari Shaffir [31:36]:

  "They think that's the only heaven. So it's that or nothing."

---

Key Insights:

• Cultural Understanding: The episode sheds light on the intricate aspects of Jewish culture, emphasizing the importance of religious practices and their impact on daily life.

• Religious Exclusivity: Discussions around the Seven Laws of Noah highlight the structured nature of Jewish theological beliefs concerning the afterlife and moral conduct.

• Intercommunity Relations: The interaction between black and Jewish communities is explored, addressing historical tensions and the necessity for mutual respect and understanding.

• Humor in Serious Topics: Turner, Phil, and Ari adeptly use humor to navigate and discuss complex and sensitive subjects, making the dialogue engaging and accessible.

Conclusion:

In this episode, "Black and White Advice" successfully intertwines humor with deep cultural and religious discussions. Through the engaging dialogue between Turner Sparks, Phil Duckett, and guest Ari Shaffir, listeners gain a nuanced understanding of Jewish practices, intercommunity dynamics, and the universal quest for understanding across racial and cultural lines.

Transcript

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, Full college basketball team with yarmulkes on.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, they stay on, though.

[Turner Sparks]

If you're hooping, you better figure it out.

[Ari Shafir]

If it falls off in a game, which is bound to happen, you're disqualified. No, no, no.

[Phil Duckett]

Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask the opposite race but you were too nervous to ask?

[Turner Sparks]

I'm Turner Sparks.

[Phil Duckett]

And I'm Phil Duckett.

[Turner Sparks]

And this is Black and White advice.

[Phil Duckett]

But we answer all your questions about race, even the scary ones.

[Turner Sparks]

This is black and White advice. You got a question but you're scared to ask. Just drop the boys a message. Cause they're up to the T. They're all in the dice they ain't always.

[Phil Duckett]

Nice but you can't think twice when giving. Black and white and black and white.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, everybody. Welcome to the show. My name is Turner Sparks.

[Phil Duckett]

The Real Deal Feel the thrill what's.

[Turner Sparks]

Happening behind the glass? Spinning the dials, switching the knobs on the ones and twos, threes and fours. We got Joe the Muscle Russell. Joe, how you doing? This isn't Joel.

[Phil Duckett]

This is Sean Connery.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, Sean Connery. Thank you.

[Phil Duckett]

Okay.

[Turner Sparks]

Look at you. Good impression, this.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, this is a good one this week.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, this Thursday night, everybody, we will be at New York Comedy Club. You got to come out to this live show.

[Phil Duckett]

Live show. We're gonna. We're gonna give you free if you show up.

[Turner Sparks]

What are we.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't know. Would you just. We'll do a lot of these. We'll do any.

[Turner Sparks]

Anything we need to do at this point. We need people there. We are doing an after party. It's 6:30, 30, 6:00pm Show. May 22nd, New York Comedy Club. Afterwards, we'll all go some drinks.

[Phil Duckett]

So you still be home by about 9:30. Because Turner oldest shit. So.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, that's true.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't drink.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't drink any.

[Phil Duckett]

After party where you're not drinking. Turn.

[Turner Sparks]

Listen, I can still get down. I can get down, but. And we have a guest to bring in in just a second. Very excited about that. But before we do, Phil, I told you that if this our Patreon. Patreon.com black and white advice. We've been trying to get to 250amonth for four months now. And we haven't made it. And I told you if we didn't make it, I was just gonna have to go out and get my own ads. Ladies and gentlemen, you need to go to ExpressVPN. Turner. If you go there right now, they're Paying me money personally to do this ad.

[Phil Duckett]

This is such a racist ass company.

[Turner Sparks]

No, they're not. They're good people.

[Phil Duckett]

Black and white Vice, where you got a brother and a white man and they asked the white man to do that.

[Turner Sparks]

Anybody can go get their own ads. I'm just the only one who's done it so far. So. So they're a great company. Have you ever tried watching TV without ExpressVPN? It's like trying to travel the world without a passport. It says here you're not going to get very far. That's because streaming services like Netflix only show you a tiny fraction of their huge global library of content. So what you can do? Be smart. Stop paying full price for streaming services and get something, something else. Go to expressvpn.com turner just. This is just for me. It's every man for himself on this show at a certain point.

[Phil Duckett]

That's crazy shit. And that's how you do the ad. They ain't gonna pay you shit. That was fucking awful.

[Turner Sparks]

But anyway, no, they're gonna. So if you like me, go to expressvpn.com turner if you want Phil and Joe to get money, I don't really care if you do at this point, but if you do, go to patreon.com hey Joe.

[Phil Duckett]

It's nice to know where we stand. We've been doing this six months. He's already backdoored us.

[Turner Sparks]

Guess what you get? You get four if you use expressvpn.com turner four months off. Four months free. Imagine if I had my own ads too.

[Phil Duckett]

Like, oh, I'd.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd walk off the set.

[Phil Duckett]

I'd walk off on you, White.

[Turner Sparks]

You might have to go get your own ads for next week.

[Phil Duckett]

I didn't even know you could do that.

[Turner Sparks]

I know people in the industry.

[Phil Duckett]

Well, it's odd that you've never mentioned that to me. Let's introduce the guest. Five have to beat your ass.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, no, but you can't. You can get four. They. I have to say this. You can get four months off your two year membership. Expressvpn.com turner that's it. Ari Shafir. Welcome to the show. You all know Ari from the you be tripping podcast. You know him from Jew. His special on YouTube. And. And your latest special. Sorry, I have all these notes from Express.

[Ari Shafir]

So many notes. Yeah, they gave you a lot of paperwork.

[Turner Sparks]

Sweetheart. America's sweetheart on Netflix. Paid regular. I'm not sure where that's still available.

[Ari Shafir]

But I remember you downloaded this all from a Server in Switzerland. And.

[Turner Sparks]

And this is not happening. Your old show. All right, Ari, welcome to the show. How are you doing, man?

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you. I'm doing great.

[Turner Sparks]

Did you bring your own ads? We encourage. We're now encouraging guests. They can bring their own sponsors.

[Ari Shafir]

I can see if I can dig one up.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, he probably could.

[Turner Sparks]

By the way, that's a real link. It's a real link. So anyone who wants to do it, I will get a. I will get real money out of that ExpressVPN. You save. You mean four months?

[Phil Duckett]

I'm not going to tap dance for the man anyway. Ari, man, thank you for coming, man.

[Turner Sparks]

You're welcome for coming to the show.

[Ari Shafir]

You're welcome. Thanks for having me. What a dividend. Personal ads. I love it.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. Have you ever been on a show where people do. Everyone just splintered off and did their own ads?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I've actually never seen that. I've done podcasting a long time. I love it.

[Turner Sparks]

Look at that.

[Ari Shafir]

Everyone's like, you don't pull your weight. You don't pull your weight. Everyone just does your own thing.

[Turner Sparks]

I tried. I tried to pull this thing along for four months. It's all over.

[Phil Duckett]

Listen, I thought the Patreon was going to kind of just grow if they.

[Ari Shafir]

Got up to 450 people.

[Turner Sparks]

What?

[Phil Duckett]

250?

[Ari Shafir]

Two fifty.

[Turner Sparks]

We know. We just need $250. Not even people.

[Ari Shafir]

Fifth of that.

[Turner Sparks]

We're at a hundred and. No, we're at like 206.

[Ari Shafir]

Then you wouldn't have to do these ads.

[Turner Sparks]

I wouldn't have what I'm saying.

[Phil Duckett]

So that's why I didn't go looking for my own ads.

[Turner Sparks]

I will stop the ads if we can get to 250.

[Ari Shafir]

That's fair.

[Turner Sparks]

We're at 206 right now.

[Phil Duckett]

Listen, I need.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, we only need close 44 more.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, that's crazy. If they want to go through those ads again to not have to just like, I will.

[Turner Sparks]

I'll make it double the length next time.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I may go pay for our Patreon. Just someone got to hear that.

[Turner Sparks]

This is two pages. I only read one page of those ads.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God.

[Turner Sparks]

I didn't even get to. That's why I said something.

[Phil Duckett]

Something. I wouldn't be good for that type of ad. I won't. A Clorox or a Jameson ad or some.

[Ari Shafir]

Get one.

[Turner Sparks]

Go find them.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I drink enough of it.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm not stopping anybody from getting their own ads.

[Phil Duckett]

I like that.

[Turner Sparks]

Go do it. Ari, I've known you for like 10 years. We never. I don't think we ever talked about how you grew up, though. And because this is a show on race.

[Ari Shafir]

Is this that neighborhood? This is where I grew up. Is there, like, four blocks away? Yeah. I passed some from.

[Turner Sparks]

From the. The Hasidic Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

From the. From the roof somebody's been fiddling on. I always look at them up there when it's nice out. They're out there fiddling.

[Turner Sparks]

You can hear the fiddler. We're very good.

[Phil Duckett]

I forget that you grew up. Has civic.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Not quite Orthodox. Just Orthodox.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm sorry.

[Turner Sparks]

So first of all, let's start there.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Orthodox is no beard, but the curls.

[Ari Shafir]

Sometimes beard. Oh, sometimes.

[Turner Sparks]

What are the one. The ones. So we're.

[Ari Shafir]

But not. Not like. Not like that. No. You can have a beard, but it's not like a big deal.

[Turner Sparks]

We're a few blocks away from South Williamsburg, I think it's called.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. And I don't know which ones live where. They're all split up. I know, but there's different sex of Hasidic ones.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

You can tell by how high their socks are. Some of them have the baseball player, like, sock up to here, trousers inside.

[Phil Duckett]

Of it, like an old colonial man, like George Washington.

[Ari Shafir]

Some have the big, big hat. The others have a big brim.

[Phil Duckett]

What fur is that?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know.

[Turner Sparks]

Can I tell you? My parents came and visited. No, my dad. My parents came a few weeks ago and. And my dad. They came that way on the. On the Uber to get here. And my dad goes, man, those Jewish guys got some crazy haircuts. And he was serious.

[Ari Shafir]

When that's all fur is pretty sick.

[Turner Sparks]

The fur he thought was hair. I'm like, no, I think that's a hat, dude. But sure, he thought literally for real. Thought it was like a kid and play.

[Ari Shafir]

Those things cost so much money. They're like five grand.

[Phil Duckett]

Are you for real?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, they take it when they have to put them on a. On a plane, they have to have, like, a hard box to keep it on. Especially the ones that go like this.

[Turner Sparks]

So that's not what you grew up with, the big.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, no, no. Sometimes a fedora. Some people wear fedora.

[Phil Duckett]

It's for the fedora. Religious or just style?

[Ari Shafir]

No, it's just, like, halfway to that.

[Phil Duckett]

It's a training wheel for the big sombrero.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Nice.

[Turner Sparks]

But you grew up in Maryland with this. So there's a community.

[Ari Shafir]

They're all over, really.

[Phil Duckett]

I've literally never seen that.

[Ari Shafir]

Baltimore is the first one to have A kosher. Kosher stand at the baseball park. Baltimore. Really? Not New York. Crazy. New York wouldn't have it. That's nuts. You would think New York would have it of anywhere.

[Phil Duckett]

I didn't know Baltimore would even like know what the to do.

[Ari Shafir]

Baltimore has hella juice. Jewy juice.

[Turner Sparks]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

So Phil's from South Carolina. From Sacramento. We didn't. Neither one of us.

[Phil Duckett]

I knew like three.

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't know any norcal. Barely knows him.

[Turner Sparks]

I knew one guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Where are you from? South Carolina.

[Phil Duckett]

I had one Jew in my whole high school.

[Ari Shafir]

At all. Not even that. That hell.

[Phil Duckett]

He was just a regular white dude.

[Turner Sparks]

We had one Brandon Salzberg. Shout out.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Catholic high school though it would be. It was my boy last name was.

[Phil Duckett]

Greenberg, but he didn't.

[Ari Shafir]

Greenberg. That's a Jew for sure.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Oh, 100%.

[Turner Sparks]

So one and one.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a double Jew. Greenberg is a double. Those alone are both Jewish last names.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

And then together green by itself is Jew.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

So then you. But you grew up with a community and first name.

[Ari Shafir]

That's right.

[Phil Duckett]

Bruce.

[Ari Shafir]

Bruce.

[Phil Duckett]

It might have been the Jewish Abraham.

[Ari Shafir]

Everyone saw it be like that's the Jewish. I knew a guy named American name.

[Turner Sparks]

Like literally his name was Israel.

[Phil Duckett]

There's probably millions and it's like Muhammad.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know Israel. It's not quite that many. All respect. All respect.

[Phil Duckett]

That's crazy. Damn. I did. So let me ask you something cuz I think the curls are gangster. I ain't going to lie. If I could grow my like that. I just put a New York fitted cap on my dude.

[Ari Shafir]

The curls rule. And that this day and age. If they're in the Internet era, which they are. They understand this is cool. They probably like you could braid them. You could do wild stuff with it. With black.

[Phil Duckett]

There's a rapper blp. Kosher or B.

[Turner Sparks]

He's blb Coach.

[Phil Duckett]

Yes. No, that's his name. Blp. I think it's bl. I look at him on Tick Tock Kosher Dills. No.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Phil Duckett]

But he has the curls. But they're not curls. He dreaded them and they stick straight out.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Phil Duckett]

Big chain on. It's a dreidel. This little white boy be snapped white. He's a white rapper. Oh yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

White rapper leading into it.

[Phil Duckett]

Yes. And he. And his name's blp. Kosher. And he has gop. What's blp? I. I wanna. Where's my. I just wanna.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, look it up.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Let me show you, bro. Real quick. Because he is great.

[Ari Shafir]

Dlp.

[Turner Sparks]

Are there any? Because, Phil, I know you're looking for an angle. Are there any black Jewish rappers?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, for sure there are. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, okay.

[Ari Shafir]

But I don't know any of them. Yeah, no Drake.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, he's Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Drake's a black joker.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay, never mind.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

By the way, one of the most famous ones ever.

[Ari Shafir]

This is blp Kosher. Phil, if you went curls, Phil, you should go curls.

[Turner Sparks]

That's what I'm saying.

[Ari Shafir]

Also with no hair on top, you could start there and really get it going.

[Phil Duckett]

Start the beards that my. From my sideburn, it would be.

[Ari Shafir]

That is the spot. It's right above where yours is.

[Phil Duckett]

How many years does it take to this hair grows?

[Ari Shafir]

Like, how many years does it take? Yeah, it takes a while. You never cut them.

[Phil Duckett]

So you start those as kids.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, so you don't cut your hair till you're three.

[Turner Sparks]

You can see little kids don't cut.

[Ari Shafir]

Their hair till three. Sometimes even orthodox men don't cut their hair. Males till females three. And then you're started. Boom, you already got it. Three years, cut the rest.

[Turner Sparks]

What's the significance of the curls?

[Ari Shafir]

It's five. Five? Come on, guys, this is basic.

[Turner Sparks]

We don't know anything.

[Ari Shafir]

No, nothing. The five corners of the beard you can't touch with a razor. Ah, wait. 1, 2, corner, 3, 4, 5.

[Turner Sparks]

So then therefore, if you have.

[Ari Shafir]

Give it to me.

[Turner Sparks]

You need to have a beer. You have to have a full beard.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right. Yeah, but you can do it with scissors. They just like, now it's custom. They don't.

[Turner Sparks]

Phil, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

So they cut the beard.

[Turner Sparks]

We're trying to figure out a way, you know, your careers will pop off media.

[Phil Duckett]

First of all, I'm not a Mari Stoudemire. I can't just be.

[Turner Sparks]

Ari is a great like you.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, he was just at the Garden.

[Ari Shafir]

By the way, you could change your name in the black comedy world. You could have a one note name. You could go curls. That could be your new name with.

[Turner Sparks]

A Z. Philly curls.

[Phil Duckett]

I'd have to just perform in Harlem, though.

[Ari Shafir]

Just curl. No, no, no, no, no.

[Turner Sparks]

You do the Modi circuit. You do like the Elon Gold. Yeah, you do like synagogue.

[Ari Shafir]

You just got to learn some references.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, watch his special. Steal his material.

[Ari Shafir]

Just like, say what you're gonna say. Well, I'll translate it for you and.

[Phil Duckett]

Then you'll just know what you gotta say.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, well, no, not rip side. I'll like, prep you. Yeah, it's like, we're like, hey, what's the Supermarket in town when you're on the road.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

What's the intersection where all the traffic is?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

You just asked for some stuff. I'm telling you, this is. No one's trying to get.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm looking for a rebrand. If I come back Jew, would Ari backing me? Dope.

[Turner Sparks]

Come back Jew is the name of the special.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Come Black Jew.

[Phil Duckett]

Whoa, that was so gay.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, yeah, that's true. I didn't hear that.

[Phil Duckett]

Like, that won't be the name of my special.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I was like, what? Oh, get sexual.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh my God. Like, no.

[Turner Sparks]

Holy homosexual Black Jew. What about that?

[Phil Duckett]

Are there hom. Lenny Kravitz.

[Ari Shafir]

Lenny Kravitz. He's. He goes which way? He probably does whatever he wants.

[Turner Sparks]

So if you did. Yeah, no, I think it's a move. I think it's a.

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Turner Sparks]

The. The. The full curls and then, you know.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't know if we can do. The brother can do. Cuz a type of hair we got might just ain't going to like, get.

[Ari Shafir]

It might. It might.

[Phil Duckett]

Amari had the big hat on though, at the Garden and It was like 70 degrees. So he really into it.

[Ari Shafir]

Did he really?

[Phil Duckett]

It didn't have a brim on it, but it was a big fur.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to see that.

[Turner Sparks]

When I knew he was real, I saw him walking down the street in Brooklyn Heights. No cameras around, nobody. Just him full, like the big hat, the black jacket. Full on. Full on.

[Phil Duckett]

He's more Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

I love that dude. First of all, it's cool. And he lived in New York for the longest time.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So like he gets it. He's like, this is cool.

[Turner Sparks]

No, when he got to the Knicks.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Do you remember? He. He also discovered he had this Jewish heritage and he went full follow him on Instagram. It's all him and like Jewish guy. He Israeli Jewish guys.

[Phil Duckett]

He praised, like Hebrew.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He's full on.

[Turner Sparks]

He's way more so you think he could feel confish? I don't.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he probably does.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Probably at least would have it.

[Turner Sparks]

But he's not doing stand up is my point. You're. That's.

[Ari Shafir]

You're doing stand up. That's more Jewy than Mario Sotomayor who played basketball, which is very not Jewy.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, yeah, that's actually there's. You've seen that Jewish team where they'd be wearing the yarmulkes in the game.

[Turner Sparks]

I want to ask you about this university. So we live. I live on the campus of St. Joseph's College. They're like Division 3 basketball and their gyms. Right there. I was walking down the street and I looked in the window. They were in the middle of a game. They're playing against Yeshiva University one day.

[Ari Shafir]

Played St. Joseph's that's their league.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Or they're just in the schedule, I guess.

[Phil Duckett]

St. Joseph.

[Turner Sparks]

So they had a full college basketball team with yarmulkes on.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

They stay on, though.

[Ari Shafir]

That's an excellent question, Phil. That's an excellent question. It's a hair clips. That's a little digital answer. You know, those haircuts go and they snap like that, you know, and they unsap like that.

[Phil Duckett]

But they'd be bald.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. I don't want to point fingers, but what if you're bald?

[Ari Shafir]

If your ball. It's a real problem.

[Phil Duckett]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

If there's also. If you shave your head, like thin enough, there's Velcro on the inside, and they use that to stick it on.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. If it's a buzz cut, which a lot of them have, then it'll stay on that way.

[Turner Sparks]

If you're hooping, you better figure it out.

[Ari Shafir]

If it falls off in the. In a game, which is bound to happen, you're disqualified.

[Turner Sparks]

No, no, the referee ends the game.

[Phil Duckett]

Well, he's out of here. He is out of here.

[Ari Shafir]

No, but literally, if a woman played on the other team, none of those men could play.

[Turner Sparks]

It's a flag.

[Ari Shafir]

In case they touched her, they wouldn't be able to touch her, so she could just run right through their defense.

[Phil Duckett]

So if she posted them up that they would.

[Ari Shafir]

They would just keep backing away.

[Phil Duckett]

You go to hell.

[Ari Shafir]

Or what happened? You just can't touch a woman. So that would be if they. If St. Joseph's had a woman on the team, they would.

[Turner Sparks]

Any of those group. Remember like the. The Iowa team that not Caitlin Clark, but all her teammates?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Remember them? Any one of them?

[Ari Shafir]

Anyone just score 30 last off the bench. You can't guard like clean SWAT. That's the only way you could block one of their jobs and not even come into them at all. Oh, they could create a fence around you. Oh. Five women could easily be five religious Jewish men. No question. Honestly, at a low level. At a low level, like a high school would.

[Turner Sparks]

Does Yeshiva University have a women's team?

[Ari Shafir]

There's a different college. Stern College is way more intro. Normal part of town.

[Turner Sparks]

So Yeshiva University is men only.

[Phil Duckett]

They can't touch them. How you gonna go to school with them?

[Turner Sparks]

I didn't know.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

What if you drop your pencil didn't you go to.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I went there for a year.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I was in the golf team.

[Turner Sparks]

In New York?

[Ari Shafir]

No, in Yeshiva University.

[Turner Sparks]

You went to the one here in New York?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, for a year I was in the golf team. I lettered in NCAA sports.

[Phil Duckett]

You did?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I have my own letter.

[Phil Duckett]

Nice.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Did you?

[Phil Duckett]

No, I played basketball.

[Turner Sparks]

I played college basketball.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice. Well, then we both got it.

[Phil Duckett]

Division one.

[Ari Shafir]

Division one.

[Turner Sparks]

Ari's immun. Immediately humbled.

[Ari Shafir]

Not well. Together we're division four.

[Phil Duckett]

Together we're division four. The best.

[Turner Sparks]

How good was the Yeshiva University golf team?

[Ari Shafir]

They were not good. Yeah, they were the worst in our conference.

[Turner Sparks]

Country clubs won't even allow Jewish people in.

[Ari Shafir]

We build our own. That's a crazy thing. We build our own.

[Phil Duckett]

I bet you they're so nice.

[Ari Shafir]

They're so nice. Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Jewish people don't around.

[Ari Shafir]

They will nickel and dime you on stuff once you get there. But there's no tips. When you work at one, there's no tips come in literally cleaning people's clubs and just nothing. The children would give you tips. Like the 25 year old kids would be cool about it, but. But damn.

[Phil Duckett]

And they're not gonna let you autograph.

[Ari Shafir]

Auto what?

[Phil Duckett]

Auto gratuity. I just put it on.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no autograph. No, they didn't. They don't have that.

[Turner Sparks]

I never heard that word.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, no. Automatic gratuity.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were we talking about?

[Turner Sparks]

University basketball team and the Yamakas. How they stay.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

What if you're full ball, like shaved head? Like, you know, if you had your.

[Ari Shafir]

Own set of golf clubs, you could get on the Yeshiva University golf team.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, that's.

[Turner Sparks]

Did you play high school golf? No.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, so you just went. Walked in, was like, I'll try.

[Ari Shafir]

They're like, we need players. And there was only like nine of us and they needed 10, so we didn't even fill up the team.

[Phil Duckett]

That's pretty.

[Turner Sparks]

Where did you guys play? There's no course.

[Ari Shafir]

Van Cortlandt Park. I remember that.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, you were up D241.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we'd go up there to play. That was our home course. Yeah, I just.

[Phil Duckett]

No, that's ridiculous. Let me.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you play golf? You do?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I do.

[Ari Shafir]

You do?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you have handicaps?

[Phil Duckett]

No, I'm not that good.

[Turner Sparks]

I shoot like 1:10.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't even know how to score it. I'll just be out there swinging. But I made good contact.

[Ari Shafir]

No, it's fun. Yeah. It's so Fun, Especially before you really cover circumstance. Score.

[Phil Duckett]

Right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I just know once I get to seven strokes, I pick my ball.

[Ari Shafir]

You're like, that's about enough.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll meet you guys in the next hole. I feel like I'm slowing you guys down. I don't care.

[Turner Sparks]

My only goal in golf was to not slow down the group I'm with.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the biggest part. Don't annoy people.

[Phil Duckett]

The group you're with. I got anxiety because there was a group behind us, and I was like, could y' all just go at like.

[Ari Shafir]

Yes, let him go. I don't want you to let them go.

[Turner Sparks]

You're allowed to let people through.

[Ari Shafir]

You are. But then if you're waiting, then becomes a thing. Yeah. And they're like, no, you guys go ahead and like, well, you're on my ass. Like, walking in New York, you're like, just pass. Yeah, if you're gonna walk my pace, just pass.

[Phil Duckett]

You feel like they're judging you. And here.

[Turner Sparks]

My whole goal, though, is just get good enough so I'm not slowing everyone down. And then once I get your balls, I quit. I quit. Getting better.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, don't let me get in the sand bunker. I'm picking it up every time. I can't get it out of here.

[Ari Shafir]

You should just do the motion, girl, like this with your hand, and then pick it up and just, like, throw it up and then go.

[Phil Duckett]

What a shot. Oh, my God.

[Ari Shafir]

I shot in competition at Yeshiva University. I shot a 143.

[Turner Sparks]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, so, yeah, I could have played.

[Ari Shafir]

You easily could have played.

[Turner Sparks]

I should have converted and just played.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you got.

[Turner Sparks]

I would have converted to Judy.

[Phil Duckett]

Wait, you can't get a minority scholarship to Yeshiva.

[Turner Sparks]

No, you can't.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all minority. It's all minority. You don't think every Jew has Moroccan roots that they can bank on? They all minority.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, I did not realize.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's another thing. Jews love qualifying for African American grants if they can prove they are from northern Africa at all. Yeah, we can't have. You got to hire people that understand these laws, and then you get further ahead.

[Phil Duckett]

That's exactly what it is. I do want to say something before we get into the question segment.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I love Ari. I've gotten to meet him a couple times. I've done a couple gigs. But when I first, before I knew who he was, I could not stand Ari. All because. All because when Kobe died, he tweeted, and I was like, who the is this? I Had to tell you this because I was like, bro, I with you so heavy now. But before I knew you, I saw that I was like this sick.

[Ari Shafir]

I love all the buttock people. It was so fun. It was so funny.

[Turner Sparks]

I was on a show at New York Comedy Club like that week.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And it literally got canceled because there.

[Ari Shafir]

Was death threat to the building.

[Turner Sparks]

Because you. Because we. You were also on the lineup.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And they really. The club called me like an hour before they go, yeah, the show's off.

[Ari Shafir]

He's starting to shoot the place up.

[Turner Sparks]

But it was also like a Thursday night at 8. They're like. I'm like, you didn't sell tickets to a Thursday night? They're like, no, no. People are trying to shoot up our club because Ari's on the lineup.

[Phil Duckett]

I mean, I called anonymously, but man, no, I just was like, great, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

It was so funny. Yeah. Like, shows canceled tonight. I'm like, oh, all right. It was nice. They wouldn't like, take me off the lineup.

[Turner Sparks]

They're just like, are you owing $40 for not.

[Ari Shafir]

I voted too. I wanted it.

[Turner Sparks]

That's why you're here.

[Ari Shafir]

That was the last $40 I was ever gonna make. Gotta take this away.

[Phil Duckett]

That's great.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, should we get to our questions?

[Phil Duckett]

Hell yeah. Absolutely.

[Turner Sparks]

We got your black and white advice, questions and answers coming up after the break.

[Ari Shafir]

McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlurry. Your dip is your business. McCrispy strips at McDonald's.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

According to Salt as Wealth, 41% of high net worth individuals report having been victims of financial crime. Are you next? High profile individuals like you need more than off the shelf solutions. You need concierge digital security from Reputation Defender. It's not just another app. It's a team of experts using best in class tools to protect you and your family. Covering virtually every aspect of your digital life. Visit reputationdefender.com success to learn more. That's reputationdefender.com success.

[Turner Sparks]

Live from the Internet's red carpet, it's Vrbo's 2025 vacation rentals of the year.

[Ari Shafir]

Selected from over 2 million private vacation.

[Turner Sparks]

Rentals, this year's list features the best of vrbo. And with weekly discounts on select stays, they might be more affordable than you think. See the [e-mail] and make it a Verbo. Hey, you want to get bonus content, early episodes and have your questions answered on the show?

[Phil Duckett]

Well, then subscribe to our [e-mail] blackandwhite advice and subscribe right now.

[Turner Sparks]

Do it. And we'll give you a shout out on a future episode.

[Phil Duckett]

And I might call you to N word.

[Turner Sparks]

Hey, we're back, everybody.

[Ari Shafir]

A little yoga session out there. It's awesome, guys. I'm glad we did that. I came back refreshed from that break.

[Turner Sparks]

Did you know that Domas Sabonis, by the way, is Jewish? Domantis Sabonis, the basketball player?

[Ari Shafir]

I did not know that.

[Turner Sparks]

Converted like a year and a half ago ago. His wife. Is he married? Like. No. I was going to say a shiksa, but a shiksa would be the opposite. His wife's Jewish.

[Phil Duckett]

Would you convert for some ass?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, probably. I don't mind. Judaism's fine with.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, Convert easily.

[Phil Duckett]

No, I'm talking about, like, Hindu.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, go, whatever. I'm not going to do it. I'll do it.

[Turner Sparks]

Remember when you're saying, do you have to convert, even being Orthodox?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And he's like, studying. He has. And he comes.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

I think anyone would. Would you?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So he. So he converted to get married. Montus.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Yeah. It doesn't count that you're not one of us. You act like you're one of us, but you're not really who I thought.

[Turner Sparks]

You would, cuz I told Kaplan, my friend Kaplan, he was like, oh, he's like our greatest Jewish current basketball.

[Ari Shafir]

Nah, we can't count him. You can't count him. Oh, because he jumped his way in at the very end, you go with them all.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, he joined at a time that wasn't exactly.

[Ari Shafir]

But this might be. Listen. I can't. Listen, Call me a convert, exclusionary, radical Jew. But if they're not born Jewish, then they don't really understand what it's like to go through bar mitzvah years, to go through being excluded from the other things, to have. To have nothing open on your holidays. Growing up, you didn't go through that. Demontes.

[Phil Duckett]

Wow.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, now you're canceled in Sacramento, too?

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't know anything about that.

[Turner Sparks]

This is our code.

[Ari Shafir]

You had your. Your Christmases all childhood when it mattered, and then it doesn't matter anymore. Now you give them up off Demontes. You're not one of us.

[Phil Duckett]

So the mitzvah is a big deal.

[Ari Shafir]

The mitzvah? The bar mitzvah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Just Means celebration.

[Ari Shafir]

No, right. Good deed. It's a good deed.

[Phil Duckett]

So what does the bar mean?

[Ari Shafir]

Boy, it's the. It's the son of a good deeder. It means, like, you become a man after this. Like, your sins are on you.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, and what are the. In the before girls. It's not a bar.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a bot. It's. Oh, there's an a. It's a feminine God. You're the same.

[Phil Duckett]

I used to love going to the. They was always top notch.

[Ari Shafir]

The New York ones, right?

[Phil Duckett]

I'm from South Carolina. I only went to one, but it was. It was a big deal.

[Ari Shafir]

Greenberg's.

[Phil Duckett]

Greenberg's, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Yeah, it's a party.

[Turner Sparks]

Greenberg.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a first real party. Yeah, I remember Greenberg. Greenberg. It's the most. It might be the most Jewish name.

[Turner Sparks]

Seth Greenberg.

[Ari Shafir]

Saul Greenberg. No, this was Bruce.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

First question comes to us from Aaron in Lake Tahoe. He says we may need Joe's help for this. We may not, but depends on Ari's knowledge, he says. I heard there is a way for non Jews to get into Jewish heaven. Something about the seven laws of Noah. What are they? And do Turner and Phil qualify?

[Ari Shafir]

What do we qualify?

[Turner Sparks]

Could I think the question.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't want to go to Jewish heaven anyway.

[Turner Sparks]

You mean if we. Can we get into Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me. Let me tell you something, Phil. They think that's the only heaven. So it's that or nothing.

[Turner Sparks]

It's not like it's like the British Open in golf. They're like, it's called the Open. It's just the Open.

[Ari Shafir]

That one of those bars with different floors? That's a different vibe up here. Oh, it's a hockey talk room.

[Turner Sparks]

Aaron and Lake Tyler wants.

[Ari Shafir]

They're either right or they're wrong. But there's only one.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, for this show, I mean, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You do go to heaven.

[Turner Sparks]

We go to Jewish heaven. Just heaven so we can get into Jewish. It says here Jewish heaven. I'm reading.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all heaven.

[Phil Duckett]

What's the seven laws of Noah now?

[Ari Shafir]

That's what you should be asking. That's what you should be asking.

[Phil Duckett]

That was the question.

[Ari Shafir]

You're in. You're hung up on what's the Jewish heaven. What's not. He's already the next step.

[Turner Sparks]

What is Jewish?

[Ari Shafir]

This guy's talking about semantics. And I'm looking to get in, right?

[Turner Sparks]

And I get into Jewish heaven. Seven.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, there's some. You got to do what?

[Turner Sparks]

That's what Aaron in Lake Tahoe, California wants to know.

[Phil Duckett]

Let me. Let Me know.

[Turner Sparks]

Do you know what the seven laws are?

[Phil Duckett]

I sure do, guys.

[Turner Sparks]

What are they?

[Ari Shafir]

So for us, yeah, there's 613 laws, and that's how we get down.

[Phil Duckett]

But all I need is seven.

[Turner Sparks]

Sounds like we got a better deal.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're seven. We also got to do yours.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm getting a bargain.

[Ari Shafir]

You're getting a humongous bartender. It's so much better to be a non.

[Phil Duckett]

Y' all are all about a deal, ain't you?

[Ari Shafir]

It's so much better. We're raised Jewish, so, like, our odds of getting it are very higher. So your reward should be higher.

[Turner Sparks]

If you were a professional athlete, would your number be 613?

[Ari Shafir]

I would like that. My last number was it Comedians basketball league was 9, 11. It was fun. Wait, what are they? I see which ones. I know.

[Turner Sparks]

No idol worship.

[Ari Shafir]

No idol worship. That's going to be your toughest one.

[Phil Duckett]

The Commandments.

[Ari Shafir]

That's going to be your toughest one.

[Phil Duckett]

That's easy. You can't worship nobody else. I don't.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. One God.

[Phil Duckett]

There's one God.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

This is your borderline Jesus idol. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

So what about the band Bad Religion?

[Ari Shafir]

So now I enjoy them. Is that idol worship? I don't know.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm going to their show next month.

[Ari Shafir]

We'll find out. Satanic people. Oh, as long as you don't pray to them. Yeah, no worship.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't pray in bad religion.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Also, if you're a bad Christian, you're off the hook even more if you don't, like, worship Jesus. If you're like, I've been to church like, five years ago, then, like, oh, even better. You're doing it.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Ari Shafir]

Not even borderline.

[Turner Sparks]

Wait, no. But if we do worship Jesus, we're out.

[Ari Shafir]

That's borderline.

[Turner Sparks]

That's the whole basis of Christianity.

[Ari Shafir]

Is Jesus an idol? Can you look that up? Does Jesus qualify as an idol?

[Turner Sparks]

Because he's also. He's the.

[Ari Shafir]

You think an idol is just a statue, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

No. Or if it's like Trump or somebody, you know, like a fake, a false prophet.

[Ari Shafir]

Michael Jackson came to the Western Wall when I was in Israel, and all our rabbis said, you can't go to that. That's idol worship. They're like, we've seen the way people react to him. And that's idol worship.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

You can't even be a fan. But they would do that because they were fainting. When they would see my.

[Ari Shafir]

They'd be like, oh, my God. And that's how they would do if Jesus came down. What if you were whatever might be an idol?

[Phil Duckett]

What if you did not an idol according to.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, so we. That would pass.

[Ari Shafir]

Then you're back in. Okay, that's one. That's one. All right, great.

[Turner Sparks]

Wouldn't it be funny if. If you were everything. You did everything right in your life, but you were just a super Justin Bieber fan and you got to Jewish heaven and they're like, sorry, you worship Bieber too much.

[Ari Shafir]

Bieber. You were like way in. You were like, tear it up. When he came out on stage, he didn't his number. Yeah, you're treat up. That's. You're gone.

[Turner Sparks]

Number two.

[Phil Duckett]

No profaning. God's name fills out completely.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I. I don't profane God.

[Turner Sparks]

I do clean comedy.

[Ari Shafir]

Profane God's name. That's. Ooh, I just say that. See, that's totally fine. That won't. That actually, no matter how you spell it, won't stop you from getting into heaven.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm like, this there's not bad. What about the thing your mom made us take out of the podcast?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Phil Duckett]

And I was like, you said something bad.

[Turner Sparks]

Don't repeat it. Don't repeat it.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, the Mother Mary talk.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, he said something bad about Mother Mary.

[Ari Shafir]

That's. That's borderline again.

[Turner Sparks]

We got hate mail from this profaning.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, really?

[Turner Sparks]

But also, Joe and I talked after the episode and we were like, I think that's over the line for this show.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice, Nice. You know, your lane is. I like it. You're like, man, it's not what we do.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, let's not say number three.

[Ari Shafir]

So that's just. Don't curse God. Really?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

I got turned down. I made out trophies for my podcast. You'll be tripping the. The trippies from last year. So we're making trophies. And then these all got sent back. It's like this profanity. We had biggest piece of award. And they're like, sorry, we rejected this. It's profanity if you want to rewrite it. And I was like, what? They're like. I called like, we're a Christian company and there's no profanity.

[Turner Sparks]

Like, trophy store.

[Ari Shafir]

A trophy store has quarrels. Yeah, A grand coming out of them. And they're like, nah, nah. Actually, no.

[Turner Sparks]

All they're doing is, like, fantasy football things and stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, that's the only curse word. I was like, was that the only one or was there others? Like, yeah, there's a couple more. There was obviously, like, innuendo, things like that. We're like a Christian company. We don't want any part of that.

[Phil Duckett]

I was like, oh, my God.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Did you change it?

[Ari Shafir]

Full refund. No, I. I can't do un. Names of my awards.

[Turner Sparks]

We just find a different company.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I got to find a different company.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. My gosh. Number. Number three. Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

No murder, guys.

[Ari Shafir]

No murder.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm out.

[Ari Shafir]

So that's an easy one. Okay.

[Phil Duckett]

Murdering that puss.

[Ari Shafir]

I have a question. What if you did it once, but you don't do it anymore?

[Phil Duckett]

Like, you had to kill? Like, you had to kill.

[Ari Shafir]

You killed somebody once.

[Phil Duckett]

Stand your ground.

[Ari Shafir]

Or you cussed out God once. Are you just done forever?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I think so.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, it's yours. I think it's like.

[Phil Duckett]

But y' all don't have, like, repentance, do you?

[Ari Shafir]

As long as you're not doing that. Like, consistently doing that.

[Phil Duckett]

But y' all don't have, like, confession or y' all don't, like, pray and repent, so.

[Ari Shafir]

No, you do repent.

[Turner Sparks]

You repent.

[Ari Shafir]

You're like, I shouldn't. You realize I shouldn't have done that.

[Turner Sparks]

And you forgive.

[Ari Shafir]

No, it's not like that. You still get it on your record? Yeah, we don't need sponge.

[Phil Duckett]

You still got all your record.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

So why repent if there's no forgiveness?

[Ari Shafir]

Well, so you don't do it again. And also, like, you're like, that's not me anymore.

[Turner Sparks]

But then you're not in Jewish heaven.

[Ari Shafir]

You could be in Jewish. No, everyone goes to Jewish heaven.

[Phil Duckett]

What is Jewish hell?

[Ari Shafir]

Jewish hell's not great.

[Turner Sparks]

Wait, wait. We got a few more. Let's. And then we'll get to Jewish hell.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Phil Duckett]

No sexual immorality.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, you know, you might.

[Phil Duckett]

Incest, homosexuality.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. This is where a lot of people are going to fall off.

[Phil Duckett]

Only incest or they.

[Ari Shafir]

Incest homosexuality, Adult and adultery.

[Turner Sparks]

Cheating on your.

[Ari Shafir]

And I believe is in there. Is that a different one? It doesn't say that it's immoral. Sexual. What does it say? What's. What's it called?

[Phil Duckett]

Just says, no sexual immorality. Avoiding illicit sexual relations such as adultery, incest, homosexuality.

[Ari Shafir]

So those are examples of it. It's rape, too, I would assume. No, no. Incest, which is not your brother or sister. That's gonna be hard for a lot of people. A lot of people.

[Turner Sparks]

Wait, that. That's. I don't think so.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a Middle Eastern state.

[Turner Sparks]

But people.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that's a normal Big families. Yeah, they have big families. Exactly how big?

[Turner Sparks]

They've been lying.

[Ari Shafir]

Probably got to be worried about it.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, they're like on some Genghis contest.

[Turner Sparks]

Half the people you meet are like, oh, my uncle's been lying, but it's because he has a thousand.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, he got around.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He'd like, he slung.

[Phil Duckett]

So in Middle east, that's big to.

[Ari Shafir]

Your sister and, I don't know, cousins or something. But it's like immoral ones that some people. So that's, like, in certain cultures, gonna be harder than others. But we're okay on that. It's this. That was sexuality. You're gonna get a lot of people you actually know. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

For sure.

[Ari Shafir]

You're gonna be fine. Surprising people, but they don't. They don't go first. Let's go. And then the homosexuals.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like you're just not in there. And then what else? Oh, that's another adultery.

[Phil Duckett]

That's tough. That's gonna get a lot of people.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that means not your friend's wife. Sure. But also not anyone's wife.

[Phil Duckett]

What about porn?

[Ari Shafir]

Let me think about that for a second.

[Turner Sparks]

It's a good question.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you're feeling seed. You're not doing that.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, I think I'm good so far.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're okay on that, so. Yeah, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

All right.

[Phil Duckett]

No theft.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, we're all on that, so these can't be once and forever, so. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's hard not to. Oh, hard not to.

[Turner Sparks]

Is that all? Are we done?

[Phil Duckett]

The next one's weird, as though the.

[Ari Shafir]

The animals want his comment. It's pretty great.

[Turner Sparks]

This is it. Oh, this better not be. No pork.

[Phil Duckett]

No. Eating flesh from a living animal. Oh, eating animals alive. What do you mean, eating animals alive?

[Ari Shafir]

What have you eaten alive?

[Turner Sparks]

I, I. You ever had drunken shrimp? You ever heard of that?

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, when the shrimp jump.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean?

[Phil Duckett]

The shrimp are alive.

[Turner Sparks]

So in China, there's a dish. I'm surprised we didn't even take you there.

[Phil Duckett]

Where?

[Turner Sparks]

In. In Hangzhou, in the city of Hangzhou, the specialty is drunken shrimp. What they do is they fill up a bowl full of baijiu. The alcohol everybody just drank off the air. Yeah, Chinese hard alcohol. It's like Everclear. And then they fill it up with baijiu, and they dump live shrimp in there, and the shrimp swim around until they're blacked out. Drunk.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Turner Sparks]

And they pass out. And then you eat them when they're Passed out and just crunch them and.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, like kill them right there.

[Phil Duckett]

The heads are on.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, head on. You don't eat the head part. You pull it out. You. You eat the middle and just spit out the sides, like the tail and the head. So you eat the shell.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, there's calcium. Do they have claws and stuff? They have those.

[Phil Duckett]

The little feet.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah, you. Yeah, you can eat that. I don't like my shrimp or not eat that, but it's like, it tastes like B. Jo.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Turner Sparks]

And they're. And I've had them where you get them. Right.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like infused fruit.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, that's kind of sick.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But is that shrimp sick?

[Phil Duckett]

Shrimp aren't considered flesh though. They're crustaceans.

[Ari Shafir]

Hold on.

[Turner Sparks]

They're alive.

[Ari Shafir]

I will tell you. So now we go to interpretation and I remember them telling us this, that the exception to not eating live animals is fish. I don't know if you're counting a whale or not, but not mammals. But fish is example. They said they're so dumb and brainless that really, even a goldfish, if you just swallow it, they're not. Not. They have no idea anything's happening. They don't.

[Turner Sparks]

Shrimp are not smart.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

So if I'm getting kicked out of Jewish heaven for I did it once, it's not like I ate them all the time.

[Ari Shafir]

Right. But also it's not even that. It's like, it's like the heart of a beating buffalo. Native Americans, all your ancestors are gone. Any of the warriors, the liver king there to be down there.

[Turner Sparks]

The more you read these rules, do you think they were kind of gerrymandered a little bit to purposely block out certain races and demos of people.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To say, well, we are exclusionary in some ways way.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. Cuz. Cuz Native Americans had to eat. Well, they didn't have to eat the live.

[Ari Shafir]

I thought it was after a hunt. At least in the two movies I've ever seen about Native Americans. They cut the buffalo right there and grab the heart and just eat it.

[Turner Sparks]

Eat it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. That's where you're out.

[Phil Duckett]

That's when you're out.

[Ari Shafir]

That's where you're out. But as long as you didn't get a buffalo yourself and get to do that.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, yeah. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Probably only the big important ones got that a lot. Right.

[Turner Sparks]

You ever eat a live animal?

[Phil Duckett]

I don't think so. An alive animal?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

No.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. Okay. No, next question.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, what's the last one?

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, yeah, there's one More established courts and laws.

[Ari Shafir]

That's interesting. Now we're talking about as a people.

[Turner Sparks]

Wait, you're not allowed to establish a law.

[Ari Shafir]

You must. You must have a system where you guys aren't just barbarians that you're actually saying, hey, this is what's allowed in this country. This is what's not allowed. Have some sort of system of government. So it's not just like self government.

[Turner Sparks]

But you don't have to be the one that did it. You just have to participate.

[Ari Shafir]

You'd have to be in a. Right. So the cultures are judged on this, too.

[Turner Sparks]

I see. See, this is another gerrymandering.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So is this also. Is this culture okay with you eating live animals? They're like, no, you can't do that here.

[Turner Sparks]

I see.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, you can't kill a pigeon.

[Turner Sparks]

In New York City.

[Ari Shafir]

You can kill a rat, do whatever you want to a rat anytime you want.

[Turner Sparks]

Why not?

[Phil Duckett]

Pigeons are holy.

[Ari Shafir]

They're not vermin.

[Turner Sparks]

That's a New York City.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you can't just do that. They're not vermin.

[Phil Duckett]

They are vermin.

[Ari Shafir]

They're not vermin.

[Phil Duckett]

They're sky rats.

[Turner Sparks]

They are sky rats. And they also.

[Ari Shafir]

The sky doves. They're literally.

[Turner Sparks]

Rats are less annoying.

[Ari Shafir]

Rats can be less annoying. But also. I don't.

[Phil Duckett]

No. I'd have a pigeon before I'd ever get a pigeon.

[Ari Shafir]

People have pigeons.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, I've eaten pigeon, by the way.

[Ari Shafir]

You've eaten pigeon China. That's a very pigeon. Yeah, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Pigeons.

[Phil Duckett]

Now I feel like New York pigeon would taste like catfish. They got to be dirty. Just the. They eat.

[Ari Shafir]

The New York pigeons would be. They're. They're weather. That's the problem. They're weather. But a nice smooth one. They're like. That could be pretty. You could be pretty.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You just don't take care of yourself. New York pigeons.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, so we're in. I think we're both in. I know you were out on something. I also was told. I know. Using the Lord's name in vain or whatever that one was.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

I was also told. Yeah, that kaplan told me. I once held the elevator for a Jewish guy.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not.

[Turner Sparks]

I mean, I pushed his. The button.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, nice.

[Turner Sparks]

On the Sabbath.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Good. The great.

[Turner Sparks]

And then he told me I was a righteous gentile.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you're one of the best.

[Turner Sparks]

And then I was going to get into. I could be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

[Ari Shafir]

That's wrong. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

I was a Shabbos goy.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't know if I can't be.

[Turner Sparks]

Buried in a Jewish cemetery. I've already picked out my plot.

[Ari Shafir]

No, there's no.

[Turner Sparks]

And they said my wife could get into. Because most of her customers are Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh my God.

[Turner Sparks]

Because she cooks Chinese food for Jewish people.

[Ari Shafir]

They're with you.

[Phil Duckett]

They're just handing out cards.

[Ari Shafir]

There's no. There's not actually Jewish cemeteries. That's just us going, we can't get those. We'll make our own. Just the way there's Jewish country clubs.

[Phil Duckett]

But I thought. But I thought if you get it.

[Turner Sparks]

Could I get into a Jewish country club because I did this?

[Ari Shafir]

You could if you were married to a Jew. 100% they'll let you Chinese.

[Phil Duckett]

What about the tattoo thing? You can't be buried with Jews cuz you're tatted.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Turner Sparks]

Is that false?

[Ari Shafir]

That's a fake. That's a wife's tale.

[Turner Sparks]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

That's a mother's way of getting you to not get a tattoo.

[Phil Duckett]

Really?

[Turner Sparks]

But I've heard that my whole life.

[Ari Shafir]

Completely made up. I know.

[Turner Sparks]

So I heard that was why Hitler tattooed the.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a great answer to a made up thing.

[Turner Sparks]

I heard that he tattooed him during the Holocaust with like their number on him. So they.

[Ari Shafir]

That part is not what you heard. That part that did.

[Phil Duckett]

That really happened.

[Ari Shafir]

The reason is. Oh yeah. Because.

[Turner Sparks]

So they wouldn't be allowed to be buried in Jersey. Verna Sparks. My mother taught me that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

I was a kid.

[Ari Shafir]

No, why would they waste. They were so precise. Why would they waste all that with the numbers? They were just like mark you once mark the next guy wants. Why do a whole number system? It takes too long. That's. That's not a German. Not being like on it is not a German quality.

[Turner Sparks]

So tattoos are not an issue.

[Ari Shafir]

They wouldn't have done it for that reason. They would have just given you a slash next. Slash next. You're out. You're out. You're out.

[Turner Sparks]

But you can be buried in a cemetery. There's no such thing even as a Jewish cemetery.

[Ari Shafir]

You just have to bury your dead. Yeah, yeah. So that part's fake. But shabbos goy is real.

[Turner Sparks]

Shabbos goy.

[Ari Shafir]

We can't do certain things. You guys can't. We keep. If we turn on and off a light on Sabbath, we're going to hell. You guys are fine. You don't have to worry about that. But. Oh, just thought of this. As long as it doesn't affect you guys. Man, I want to go to sleep here. And this light I left on by accident. I can't really ask anyone to do it, but wouldn't it be. Oh, man, I wish those.

[Turner Sparks]

This is what happened.

[Ari Shafir]

I really wish those lights were off. I can't. You guys could. That's crazy how you guys can. You'll still go to heaven.

[Phil Duckett]

And so they just walk out.

[Turner Sparks]

So I was in an elevator.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And we were. Yay. And I were at a wedding, right? And we're going to elevate hotel elevator. We get in, and this basically, I think a rabbi gets in with us. And he just goes. And I'm like, hey, man, I pushed like, six, right?

[Ari Shafir]

What floor? You said, what floor?

[Turner Sparks]

And then I said. I said, hey, what floor are you going to? And.

[Phil Duckett]

Or.

[Turner Sparks]

No, I didn't. No, no, no. It didn't go that way.

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't offer.

[Turner Sparks]

I said, I. I hit six. And I stood there. And he goes, I'm going to five. And he just kind of said that. And I went, cool. And then he goes, going to five.

[Phil Duckett]

So what? You can't even ask.

[Turner Sparks]

And then my wife. Wife, like, yeah, hit me. She's like, come on. And I went, oh, oops, sorry. And I pushed five. And he goes, thank you.

[Ari Shafir]

Asking is kind of like you're doing it yourself. So, like, when you hit on a light switch, and the only reason the light switch. The problem is because there's a spark. So it's a. It qualifies as, like, fire in some way. That's the only problem. The light switch is a problem. If you turn on the light switch, well, that's. You're just pushing a bunch of wood, right? That then hits that thing and then creates a current, and then it does a thing. So you telling somebody, hey, can you please go turn that on? Is like, really just like, I'm doing it myself.

[Phil Duckett]

Myself.

[Ari Shafir]

So it's like, well, you just did that.

[Phil Duckett]

But you can light candles if that's.

[Ari Shafir]

Before the Sabbath starts and it burns into the Sabbath. But if you just hint at it, they're like, that's not really.

[Turner Sparks]

That's what he did. So I didn't even get it.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a loophole.

[Turner Sparks]

I pushed five for him. And then when we got out of the elevator, like, five minutes later, I was like, that guy's an. And my wife's like, are you an idiot? He's not allowed to push the button.

[Ari Shafir]

So fun to be a shot. Was going, I can't, by the way. If I hit five, he couldn't get off on that floor for.

[Turner Sparks]

Because you're a bad Jew.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Because then he can't benefit from the Jew doing a sin. He can't get any benefit from that. You guys aren't. It's not the same.

[Phil Duckett]

Just hit all the buttons on that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Like, good luck.

[Phil Duckett]

Hey, man, you get there. When you get there.

[Ari Shafir]

This is why you don't pick us up in your ambulance.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Because Mike Britt has a great bit about that. He's like, but did you know Shabbat, what's it called? Coming? He was like, so why didn't you plan your day accordingly? Like, so.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So in a lot of. Yeah, true. But in a lot of Jewish business. Whatever. Not businesses, residents. It'll stop on every floor. It's set to stop on every floor. Because you guys couldn't just hit a button once in a while. So now we gotta stop on every floor.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you guys gonna mess around then. Sure.

[Turner Sparks]

There's no. So we're like an elevated point.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a fair point.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. So we have an elevated sense of power on Chavez. We are elevated power.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

We can do way more than you can.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

It's the best day to be a gym.

[Ari Shafir]

No negatives. Really.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Do you still live like that?

[Ari Shafir]

No. No, Absolutely.

[Turner Sparks]

Next question.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Jordan in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. He says, I'm black, and I find myself very attracted to Orthodox Jewish women.

[Ari Shafir]

He's in Crown Heights.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. And he says, I was wondering, do all Orthodox women wear wigs? And if so, is it okay for me to respectfully ask one to take it off if I'm ever. If I'm ever hooking up with her?

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Yeah. If you're hooking up with her at that point, it doesn't really matter. It's kind of. It'd be crazy to have it on.

[Phil Duckett]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

It's only for married women.

[Phil Duckett]

The wigs are only for married women.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

So that's not even their real hair. Like. Like, they're. They're like.

[Turner Sparks]

So he's not getting into Jewish heaven.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, if he's doing that. That's right. That's major adultery.

[Turner Sparks]

Jordan's breaking a lot of law in Crown Heights.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. That's not great. Yeah. So if she's doing that.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

She definitely turned off the light.

[Ari Shafir]

Take off the obvious. Just take off your wig. Yeah. And I get it. There's lots of those people. I know more of the men who are like, I'm still a piece of. I just happen to be born in this, so I'm gonna go hookers on the slide, like, all the time.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

Just like some regular dudes do. And they hide it from their friends, but they don't. But they just way hide it. And it's easier to hide because like I just go to a place where there's no acidic choice.

[Turner Sparks]

But aren't they worried about not going to. Not going to heaven or whatever if they're hookers?

[Phil Duckett]

I think they're past that.

[Turner Sparks]

They're not past it if they're still wearing all the clothes and doing all the stuff and.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right, right.

[Turner Sparks]

You know what I mean?

[Ari Shafir]

If it's not a Jewish woman, it's not really that bad, to be honest.

[Phil Duckett]

Not a sin.

[Turner Sparks]

No.

[Phil Duckett]

If you a gentile.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's like a different thing Jewish woman is because once they're on their period, then they have to like take a ritual about. To be clear, you can't them till they're clean. And none of them get that ritual bath. So like they're all kind of unclean. But you guys don't have that ritual bath law.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, we just take regular baths.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, exactly. I don't know if it's not. Anyway, so.

[Turner Sparks]

So anyway.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. Well, they're worried. They're not as worried as they should be. It's definitely not ideal. So the hookers. But they just have to hide it. But it's like that episode of. Of what's that Red Fox show? That old Red Fox show, Sanford and Son, where he goes into it. He sees Lamont going into a gay bar and he goes in to investigate. Lamont just went into the bathroom room and he goes, what the he's going in there for? He went in, he goes, it's a gay bar. Lamont comes out and he goes, Lamont's. And they comes out and he pass him. And then on Lamont's way out, he sees Fred and he's like, my dad's in a gay bar. And they both are just like dancing around the fact they each saw each other in a gay bar. General used to be so safe. Who else is going to be there other than gays?

[Turner Sparks]

You can't open their mouth gay.

[Ari Shafir]

No, neither one mix up.

[Phil Duckett]

But they just thought each other again. Okay, they didn't.

[Ari Shafir]

But if you're a Hasidic Jew and you go to the neighborhood where the regular hookers are like none of your friends are there. That's unless they're also hookers and they'll keep their mouth shut.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, you're saying they're not in the neighbor. I was gonna. I thought you meant saying that the. The hookers come through the neighborhood.

[Ari Shafir]

You're not Gonna run into anybody. Like you do. Like we all do all the time.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, you can tell because you ever see, like, Hasidic Jewish people down the street? Will they live four blocks from me? They'll have an accent like a foreign country.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

But they're from the nape. They're from New York City. They've spent their whole life in New York. I've talked to people. I'm like, where are you from? They' York City. I'm like, where? They're like, right there.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Like, but what's your accent? But I think they don't leave the neighborhood.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

And they go to the schools where they talk like that.

[Turner Sparks]

So definitely, if you go, it's like.

[Ari Shafir]

Different parts of England have different accents. Even different parts of London have different accents.

[Turner Sparks]

I know, but it's four blocks.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but they only talk to themselves.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because also, Jay Z grew up in that neighborhood. Isn't.

[Ari Shafir]

No, Jay Z's not Jewish. Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

He's from no way.

[Ari Shafir]

You'll get.

[Turner Sparks]

Marc.

[Phil Duckett]

Marcy project.

[Turner Sparks]

Marcy projects are right down the street. Street. They're in the middle of the Hasidic Jewish neighborhood.

[Phil Duckett]

They weren't there when Jay Z was coming up. They just recently took over.

[Ari Shafir]

You think so?

[Phil Duckett]

I think so.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't know.

[Phil Duckett]

They weren't.

[Ari Shafir]

Sometimes the Jewish areas took them over. And then you had, like, the Jews who didn't get out. And so now they're both kind of like, well, we're not the. One of us are leaving.

[Turner Sparks]

And you think the project was there first?

[Phil Duckett]

I know the project was there. And I think as it started to get better, I think the Jews started to buy in and buy property over there. Oh, that's what I'm going with.

[Ari Shafir]

With.

[Phil Duckett]

But I do have the wig.

[Ari Shafir]

There's the two types of Jews, though. It's the Hasidic ones. Like, we have our little community. Yeah, we're all here, but. And then they each. They're each a different one. So maybe they take over, though. They'd be like, let's pile up. That.

[Phil Duckett]

And the wig is like a hijab for married Jewish women. Is that what it.

[Ari Shafir]

Basically, you can't cover your neighbor's wife, so to stop you, one of the things you covet is hair. It's nice hair. So they cover that up.

[Turner Sparks]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

What's the problem with that?

[Phil Duckett]

That it's a hijab?

[Ari Shafir]

No, the problem is their hair is nicer than the regular hair.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

The way. So it's hot.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You're not attracted to them. You're attracted to this.

[Turner Sparks]

You're saying the wig's better looking than the real hair?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Anytime a chick. A white chick with a. With a wig, it's like. Oh, something about her with the. The sharp black ones, you know, like the.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, but sometimes they don't match the eyebrows, and it's like. It's a little off.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's a little off, but that's hot, too. Blonde eyebrows, I think.

[Turner Sparks]

I think Jordan and Crown Heights agree.

[Ari Shafir]

Is blonde wig. Like. Like, yeah, they're allowed to have blonde wigs. You can do whatever the you want. They're wild. They get down with it.

[Turner Sparks]

At what age do you get the wig?

[Ari Shafir]

If you're a female married? Because you can't cover a neighbor's wife. So if you're not. If you're not. That's what I mean. Like, she'd have to be married in order to be doing that. Otherwise she wouldn't be wearing.

[Turner Sparks]

So then that means.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, he's already just.

[Turner Sparks]

He's got a lot of issues.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, well, that's a pretty good education. By the way, all this is in my Special Juice on YouTube right now.

[Turner Sparks]

Hey, check it all out. Yeah, Here is one. Oh, this is not a Jewish one, but this one. This one's more for Phil.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Turner Sparks]

Tucker in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

[Phil Duckett]

Nice.

[Turner Sparks]

When I was a kid, I remember black people making a big deal about not wanting white people to look at them.

[Ari Shafir]

Not wanting white people to look at.

[Turner Sparks]

Them or look at. Or look them in the eye or maybe stare at them. Him is more the question.

[Ari Shafir]

Stare them in the eye? Like. Yeah, like a.

[Turner Sparks]

There was this fear that if you looked at a black guy, you could.

[Ari Shafir]

Get beat up if you looked at him wrong.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, that.

[Phil Duckett]

That is. That is a myth that's still true today.

[Turner Sparks]

Says, this seems to have gone away. Phil, is the. Is the coast clear in terms of.

[Ari Shafir]

Looking at black people question? That's a good question.

[Phil Duckett]

No, I. I mean, you still can't.

[Turner Sparks]

You still can't look.

[Phil Duckett]

What the are you eyeballing me for? Like. No, you.

[Ari Shafir]

The.

[Phil Duckett]

If you don't stare, say something. But if you. If you're just staring at me and don't speak.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, no. Like, where. I'm. I'm not even from the hood, but just my family. Like, that can get you shot.

[Ari Shafir]

What's wrong with you? What.

[Phil Duckett]

You about to rob me. What the are you looking at? Like that. That makes a lot of black people uncomfortable in general. I know. Just not white people. I'm even more nervous if black people Are just staring at me and not saying the is really going on.

[Turner Sparks]

So anyone's staring.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Why are you looking?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What are you looking at? You just lower your eyes. Like I can see you looking at me. You're this far from me.

[Phil Duckett]

Unless you're gonna speak. But if you don't speak and you're just looking at me.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

And I look. And if I double take.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You don't look away.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. And you're still looking. I've done that on the subway here in New York. I'm like, what the are you looking at?

[Ari Shafir]

I'll do one of these. I'll do one of these. So like, you look, you know, I'll see you and then I'll go like, yeah, what's up?

[Phil Duckett]

What's up, man?

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, but you really like stop.

[Phil Duckett]

You verbally say, I said it on the subway.

[Turner Sparks]

What are you looking at?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, what the are you looking at?

[Turner Sparks]

What do they say?

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, none, man. None. I was like, oh, well then don't be so weird about this. Yeah. Cuz it makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. And I got to make do. I need to get the blade.

[Ari Shafir]

We need them to make social law enforcement.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, don't do that.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And black guys are the enforcement way.

[Phil Duckett]

Who raised you? Like, yeah, like. And I mean, that's a man.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Tell any man not to do that.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, but imagine a being a woman and a dude just stare like, you know, I mean, you're like, what the is about to happen? You know, I mean, so I'm not even a woman and I would. That would make me uncomfortable.

[Ari Shafir]

So.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Why staring?

[Turner Sparks]

Women must. Women must get stared at all the time.

[Phil Duckett]

They do. Yeah, I've seen it. I've actually seen men stare at women. I'm like, I'm low key uncomfortable because.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, it's like, all right, yeah, she's hot. I saw this old guy, but like just like this.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Like being there.

[Turner Sparks]

Like, I saw like doing ramp like a 60 year old dude the other day walking down the street. The girl had to be like in high school. And he turns around and not only looks at her as she walks away, but then whistles.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, nice. That is, I think, I think one of those.

[Turner Sparks]

But kind of to the world, not to her, but like what a day to everybody else. Like, who else saw that? That was some.

[Phil Duckett]

That's like, that's like 75, 80 year old behavior for me. Like, you know, 60 seems a little young for that, you know, but by time I'm like, if I'm lord Willing. I make it to 80. 85. Yeah. I'm looking at ass unapologetically.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude. I saw my neighborhood is like, is like gentrification a block over a block back, you know, and. And so I saw this 75 year old like greeter guy at a work site, right? And then like a hardcore like kind of butch young lesbian passing. And it was like these two worlds, like, really shouldn't overlap at all. She's like a latte person. Hela. And then like he's standing there and he does. It's like, oh. And then he does. He's like, all right then. And she's like, all right, then what? And you can just see him. And I'm like, quiet, old man, be quiet. Don't do this. But then also she couldn't really admonish him.

[Turner Sparks]

Him.

[Phil Duckett]

Right, Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Young white lesbian. Couldn't really talk down to an old black man.

[Phil Duckett]

All right now.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. All right. Yep. I don't know.

[Turner Sparks]

I was in a like, whatever. I was getting a sandwich and these guys, it was like height of the me too thing, you know, and it was like a hipster sandwich shop. But these two construction work, Latino construction workers came in. And also there's that hierarchy. No one could say anything to them.

[Ari Shafir]

Right.

[Turner Sparks]

They were like, they were like clothed, dirty. They'd been straight off the site. They pick up the New York Post and it has that Sylvester Stallone has been. Me too. By somebody. Or like he meet, you know, whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now you're coming for Rocky. And they just said to the whole bodega, they go, enough of this shit. And they're like, whatever. Cosby, fine. Weinstein, fine. Not Rocky. He's an American hero.

[Phil Duckett]

We draw the line of fictional characters. That's. No, that's.

[Turner Sparks]

Let's see, I did. Wait, one more question.

[Ari Shafir]

What was that question? Oh, can you look at someone? Weird. I think it's because back in the day, black people are so new to white people that they were like, I don't know what?

[Phil Duckett]

Well, back in the day. Back in the day, you couldn't. Back in the day, you couldn't look white people in the eye. Black people had to look down and.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, what day, though?

[Ari Shafir]

Back in that day.

[Phil Duckett]

And if a white person was on the sidewalk, we had to get off the sidewalk. You couldn't walk on, like. You couldn't walk on the sidewalk.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, way back.

[Ari Shafir]

That was way back.

[Turner Sparks]

It was like, well, you're from South Carolina years ago.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

You're like, when I Was in high school.

[Phil Duckett]

Before childhood.

[Ari Shafir]

Before our childhood.

[Phil Duckett]

Right, right, right before our childhood.

[Turner Sparks]

There was that. I. I do remember in the 90s, though. I mean, like, whatever. I grew up in like a white neighborhood.

[Ari Shafir]

But it really was only like 50 years ago though. 60 tops. Yeah. Where you're like, sorry, was there a.

[Turner Sparks]

Chappelle show episode where the guy gets stabbed because he looked at him the wrong way? I mean the black Real world or whatever was it called? What was that one called? Mad Real World.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

You were looking at me like you stabbed my dad.

[Phil Duckett]

Christian Finnegan. When Chris.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, he's like, you were looking at me. You shouldn't have looked at me.

[Ari Shafir]

You're looking at me. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Last question. This is from Marcus in Dallas, Texas. He says, why do white people have to carry a water bottle everywhere they go?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, busted.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, look at you.

[Ari Shafir]

Need a hard one or just one he got from someplace.

[Phil Duckett]

A stand.

[Turner Sparks]

I think he means those.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

He says, can't they just drink water before they leave the house? House? What is the answer to that?

[Ari Shafir]

White people do have a fear of not having enough water around at all times.

[Phil Duckett]

Cuz white people don't wear lotion. So that's the way they stay moisturized.

[Ari Shafir]

They stay moist.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

I think there's two things. I think one is that you. It's like a way to show your. It's like an environmentalist thing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's. It's for show.

[Turner Sparks]

And so it's showing off that you. You're protecting the environment. You're not buying water. That's not a white person.

[Ari Shafir]

That's not.

[Turner Sparks]

Not. No. Yeah, we're above that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

He's destroying them.

[Ari Shafir]

Not. Drink this last part and then buy a new bottle.

[Turner Sparks]

There you go. And then the other one is. I don't. I think people are out on water fountains. I don't mind water fountains.

[Ari Shafir]

People are out on water fountains. They say it's disgusting.

[Phil Duckett]

I love a good water fountain.

[Ari Shafir]

I do say it's disgusting.

[Turner Sparks]

And the science behind is perfect. It used to be straight up and then everyone got like hepatitis. So then they curved it and then that saved like millions of lives.

[Ari Shafir]

Really?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Are you serious?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It just looks a little gross. Ghost. They've been outside all day.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. I think, you know, homeless people wash their scooch on it and. Yeah, like right there.

[Ari Shafir]

Like you ever let one in an airport or like if you're ever in school, like, like let it go for a while and they're like, like, run clean. And then you're like, now I'll try.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, there's a little bit of.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

But have you ever been super thirsty and it didn't have a lot of pressure?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that sucks.

[Turner Sparks]

So you get close to suck it.

[Phil Duckett]

Out and you're just praying. Not much.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, you touch at the airport just like, oh, no, no, no. God damn. Don't touch.

[Turner Sparks]

So the type of person who's buying a Stanley cup is not using a water fountain. Those are two totally different.

[Ari Shafir]

They fill up a water.

[Phil Duckett]

I have a Stanley and I will fill it up at a water. But you know, the water fountains now have the water bottler fillers where it comes straight down.

[Ari Shafir]

I like that. They got that parks now.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Gyms and.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh yeah. Airports.

[Ari Shafir]

And then that was the key problem. Right. Why are you pushing it up, push it down.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

They finally figured it out. This happening all the time.

[Turner Sparks]

Not only that, but just basics of gravity. Gravity.

[Ari Shafir]

These young kids have no idea. How awful.

[Turner Sparks]

Easier just to have something go, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Have it go down. Let it already be here. Why are you stopping right there? It's already from the ground. You're stopping right there. Stop there.

[Turner Sparks]

It took them hundreds of years, thousands of years to figure this out.

[Ari Shafir]

It always goes down. And then if somebody. The water fountain next to you goes, you're like, come on.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, it's coming back out.

[Ari Shafir]

Come on, stop.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

On the short one, they all go, why is it on the same.

[Turner Sparks]

It was that the idea that a luggage should have wheels that also took like a thousand thousand years.

[Ari Shafir]

God damn.

[Phil Duckett]

And once they added game changer. Once they. And the kind that can roll this.

[Ari Shafir]

Way, roll this way and that way.

[Turner Sparks]

Do you remember the pre. Any roller you just had to lug like carry luggage through the case.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, my mom would be. I get the bags. I mean, I would just be shaking. Walk into there.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, the duffel bags. You have to get as much as.

[Phil Duckett]

You can for three days.

[Ari Shafir]

Like do a touring nom. You got this whole.

[Turner Sparks]

It's the worst part about going to Nam. Sharing the luggage. All right, that's the show everybo, everybody. Thursday night, we'll see you at New York Comedy Club. Get your tickets now.

[Ari Shafir]

Come on, you gotta go. We'll, we'll, we'll. I have one question.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, who was the impression at the beginning of the episode?

[Phil Duckett]

Sean.

[Ari Shafir]

Will Sean Connery be there?

[Turner Sparks]

Sean Connery will be opening the show. I'll surely be there. That's it. Patreon subscribers. Stick around. We got one more question for you guys. Everybody else, peace.

[Phil Duckett]

Stay black.

[Turner Sparks]

Stay black.

[Ari Shafir]

Stay black.

[Turner Sparks]

But you're scared to ask Just drop the boys a message Cause they're up to the task they're all in the dice they ain't always nice but you can't think twice and give it black.

[Phil Duckett]

And white and light black and white.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

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[Turner Sparks]

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