Best Black and White Questions of 2024

Summary

Black and White Advice Podcast Summary

Podcast Information

• Title: Black and White Advice
• Host/Author: Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett
• Episode: Best Black and White Questions of 2024
• Release Date: December 31, 2024
• Description: Comedians Turner Sparks (white) and Phil Duckett (black) tackle listener questions on race with humor and insight. They encourage listeners to email their questions and aim to educate through candid discussions.

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Introduction

In the final episode of 2024, titled "Best Black and White Questions of 2024," hosts Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett compile and address some of the most intriguing, challenging, and sometimes controversial questions they've received over the year. Filmed live from Joe the Muscle Russell in Brooklyn, New York, the episode serves as a "greatest hits" collection, highlighting the dynamic interplay between the hosts as they navigate complex racial topics with humor and honesty.

Listener Questions and Discussions

1. Stacy's Question: Interracial Dating Challenges ([10:04] - [16:21])

Question: Stacy, a big and beautiful white woman from a predominantly white university in Washington, D.C., feels unnoticed by black men but receives attention from African American men downtown. She seeks advice on navigating this dynamic.

Discussion Highlights:

• Turner Sparks humorously suggests Stacy should "go where you are appreciated," referencing stereotypical preferences and hinting at deeper societal issues stemming from historical contexts like slavery.

  [11:13] Turner Sparks: "It's always a real, real big, big leg white gal with old skinny big dick, brother. That's just how that thing go."

• Phil Duckett emphasizes the importance of engaging in environments where interracial appreciation is genuine, mentioning that many in interracial relationships find the show helpful for their conversations.

  [02:55] Phil Duckett: "They go crazy in the comments... This is the dialogue that we needed."

• The hosts delve into stereotypes about black men preferring white women, discussing societal pressures and personal preferences within the black community.

  [14:11] Turner Sparks: "But think about it. Just think about it."

2. James's Question: Race Terminology ([16:49] - [19:38])

Question: James, from China and now residing in America, struggles with appropriate racial terminology. He’s uncertain whether to use "black," "African American," or "person of color."

Discussion Highlights:

• Turner Sparks expresses discomfort with the term "person of color," advocating for more direct terms like "black" or "African American."

  [17:46] Turner Sparks: "African American you can use. But it's fizzled out because we were African American at one point... African, black and American black are not the same..."

• Phil Duckett agrees with Turner, highlighting the confusion and resistance some feel towards evolving racial terminology.

  [17:38] Phil Duckett: "I agree."

• The hosts discuss the historical context of racial terms and the disconnect some Black Americans feel with terms like "African American," especially generations removed from Africa.

  [18:01] Turner Sparks: "It’s been seven generations, 10 generations since we've off the boat."

3. Adam's Question: White People Smelling When Wet ([25:49] - [31:37])

Question: Adam from the East Bay of San Francisco asks, "Why do white people smell bad when we are wet?"

Discussion Highlights:

• Turner Sparks attributes the smell to mildew from improperly maintained towels and dry environments, adding a humorous twist to the stereotype.

  [27:10] Turner Sparks: "You smell like wet dog."

• Phil Duckett counters with an alternative explanation, suggesting poor towel hygiene and associating the smell with white cultural practices.

  [27:35] Phil Duckett: "Cause here's the deal. The logic is you take a shower, right? You clean, your towel's clean."

• The hosts engage in playful banter about towel usage and personal hygiene habits, ultimately debunking the stereotype while maintaining comedic elements.

  [29:05] Turner Sparks: "Thank you."

4. Nancy's Question: Black Square on Facebook ([38:00] - [40:44])

Question: Nancy, a 57-year-old white woman from Waterford, Michigan, with a bad hip, asks if it's too late to make her Facebook profile display a black square.

Discussion Highlights:

• Turner Sparks interprets Nancy's question as a desire to show support for Black Lives Matter (BLM) and critiques the movement's leadership.

  [39:29] Turner Sparks: "BLM was proven to be a scam... the leader of the BLM who got charged for stealing money is like, albino as fuck."

• Phil Duckett adds context about philanthropic transparency, questioning the effectiveness of Nancy's gesture.

  [40:08] Phil Duckett: "But what I saw was they said to him, well, you said, you're going to be donating this money to black."

• The hosts debate the sincerity and impact of symbolic gestures versus actionable support, reflecting on broader societal issues surrounding the BLM movement.

  [40:12] Turner Sparks: "Maybe that news didn't make itself to Waterford, Michigan."

5. Luke's Question: Attending Jamaican Family Barbecue in Brownsville ([40:44] - [44:05])

Question: Luke, a white man dating a black woman, is invited to a Jamaican family barbecue in Brownsville, Brooklyn, and seeks advice on how to prepare.

Discussion Highlights:

• Turner Sparks warns Luke humorously about the challenges of attending events in Brownsville, advising extreme caution.

  [41:07] Turner Sparks: "Brownsville. It is still 1983 in Brownsville. Do not go there."

• Phil Duckett shares personal experiences, highlighting the intimidating aspects of Brownsville and emphasizing the importance of understanding and respecting cultural contexts.

  [43:37] Phil Duckett: "You look like a salami sandwich."

• The conversation underscores the cultural and social complexities involved in interracial dating, especially within tightly-knit communities.

  [42:06] Phil Duckett: "We can do it all online."

Host Insights and Humor

Throughout the episode, Turner and Phil intersperse their discussions with sharp wit and humorous observations:

• On Terminology:

  [24:05] Phil Duckett: "Midgets don't fidget. It works."

• On Stereotypes and Relationships:

  [32:27] Phil Duckett: "They think white person hair is slightly softer and there's a soft, slightly more coarse."

• On Cultural Misunderstandings:

  [34:35] Phil Duckett: "We were all like, we need to see some paperwork."

These moments highlight the hosts' ability to tackle sensitive topics with a blend of humor and critical analysis.

Patreon Promotion

In addition to answering listener questions, the hosts promote their Patreon, offering early access to episodes, bonus content, and exclusive stories about their lives as stand-up comedians. They encourage listeners to become "Tugboats," their Patreon subscribers, with various tier options providing different levels of engagement and perks.

[03:54] Phil Duckett: "We're telling stories about our lives... what's going on in the lives of me and Phil... bonus question every week."

Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Turner and Phil reflect on their journey over the past year and look forward to continuing their discussions into 2025. They reiterate their commitment to addressing tough questions about race, encouraging listeners to keep sending their inquiries.

[44:15] Phil Duckett: "Welcome to the new year. Have a happy new year, everybody."

The episode concludes with a mix of humor, candidness, and a reaffirmation of their mission to foster open dialogue about race, setting the stage for future episodes.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• [11:13] Turner Sparks: "It's always a real, real big, big leg white gal with old skinny big dick, brother. That's just how that thing go."
• [17:46] Turner Sparks: "African American you can use. But it's fizzled out because we were African American at one point..."
• [27:10] Turner Sparks: "You smell like wet dog."
• [40:28] Turner Sparks: "I don't see... Bad hip. Kept my fingers from working."
• [44:29] Phil Duckett: "We could take a break from coming down on Turner so hard."

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Conclusion The "Best Black and White Questions of 2024" episode of Black and White Advice successfully encapsulates the show's mission to address and educate on complex racial issues through engaging and humorous dialogue. Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett navigate each question with a blend of candidness, humor, and insightful commentary, making the episode both entertaining and thought-provoking for listeners.

Transcript

[A]

Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask the opposite race, but you were too nervous to ask?

[B]

I'm Turner Sparks.

[A]

And I'm Phil Duckett.

[B]

And this is Black and White Advice.

[A]

Where we answer all your questions about race, even the scary ones.

[B]

This is Black and White Advice.

[A]

You've got a question, but you're scared to ask.

[B]

Just drop the boys a message. Cause they're up to the task.

[A]

They're rolling the dice.

[B]

They ain't always nice.

[A]

But you can't think twice when giving.

[B]

Black and white advice. Black and White Advice place. All right, everybody. Welcome to Black and White Advice. My name's Turter Sparks.

[A]

The real deal. Feel the three, baby. All the way live from the Bronx.

[B]

Oh, the Bronx. I'm in. I'm in Brooklyn, New York. We are at Joe the Muscle the Russell. What do we call him? Joe.

[A]

Joe. Joe the Muscle Russell.

[B]

Joe the Joe the Muscle Russell. On the ones and twos, folks, this is the last episode of 2024. And I thought we would give you.

[A]

A greatest hits episode, which is just so Turner. I'm like. When he said, I was like, we've done 10 episodes. He was like, it'll be the best of the 10.

[B]

It's the greatest hits. We're going out on top. What if this is our final episode? We're like, we did it.

[A]

Imagine. I was like, all right, guys, you've been great.

[B]

Hey, Kurt Cobain only put out, like, three albums, and then he retired.

[A]

Oh, in a different way.

[B]

I don't know if retired's the word.

[A]

Yeah. I was gonna say retard is a wild way to put that. He retire, buddy. Or was he retired?

[B]

He was retired. He's the greatest of all time. So I think 10's enough. But we did have a meeting. We're gonna keep going. We're not gonna leave it at 10.

[A]

Let's go 2025. Big things.

[B]

2025 is going to be huge, folks. So we said. So this is a great. This is a. I'm calling it a greatest hits episode. What we're going to give you today is the best questions that you've sent in to us. The best answer we've get. We've given you. Out of the first 10 episodes, what have we been doing this three months? I mean, it's literally been 10 episodes. What's that, two and a half months?

[A]

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, if that.

[B]

But it's taken off our Instagram. Go follow us on Instagram at Black and White Advice.

[A]

Get into the arguments, man. They go crazy in the comments get into it.

[B]

You know, everyone is calling everyone else, not only calling them a racist, but then in, in, in the act of calling someone from another race of racist, they're also calling them racist terms of whatever race they are.

[A]

Oh, it's getting real touchy. But you know what, it's good. This is the dialogue that we needed. These next four years, people are going to be out their mind saying whatever the fuck they want because they president say what the fuck you want.

[B]

So many people that are in interracial relationships have been telling me how great this show is. I think it's the people who don't typically regularly interact with other races that are a little, are pulling back a little bit, but everyone who does is like, this is amazing. This is what my husband and I talk about at home.

[A]

Yeah, the hard stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Address the issues.

[B]

And apparently the Italians are now on board.

[A]

The amount of people, the amount of people that DM me like, you going to let these white people play your fucking face? Talk about they not white? I said, hey, I said, I'm with you, buddy. I totally think Italians are white, but I'm not going to get into it.

[B]

By the way, can I tell you the amount of white people who've DM me and been like, well, well, well. Turns out nobody wants to be white anymore.

[A]

Well, well, well.

[B]

It was all fine and dandy for.

[A]

200 years and now everybody's done their 23andMe. They're like, I'm actually Egyptian.

[B]

Now that it's become slightly less popular to be a white person, everyone's like, no, no, I'm out. That never included me. I'm not one of those. So yeah, nobody. Great episode. We loved having Tara Connestrasian. We will have her back. I mean, she lit a fire under all of our social media.

[A]

Oh, it got, it's so cool.

[B]

There's fantastic. Everybody. Also, our Patreon is now launched. We launched it two weeks ago and we currently have two subscribers. So we're gonna do this two tug. And by the way, here's the deal. If you. We have a five dollar a month option and then that gets you, that gets you each this episode, every single episode. Three or four days early. You get early episodes. You also, at the end of each episode, you get bonus content. That's Patreon only. We're telling stories about our lives actually what's going on in the lives of me and Phil. Stand up comedians in the New York, in New York City and on the road. And then we're doing A bonus question every week. That's for five bucks a month. For 20 bucks a month, these are the two options. That's the big Baller brand that you get.

[A]

Baller Print.

[B]

That's. What's his name? Lavar.

[A]

Lavar Ball. That's the Lavar Baller. Don't you know we're not. Because the big Baller brand. If you know anything about that. People were ordering shoes from big Baller brand and never got the shoes. A year later. We are not big Baller brand. We're Nike, motherfucker.

[B]

Sometimes you forget to make the shoes. It's not his fault. You take the money and then you go.

[A]

Such a terrible business plan.

[B]

We're Nike. Anyway, the point is, 20 bucks a month, you get your priority, your questions read on the air whenever you want them. Read on the air and. And you get to name the fan base. And right now, starting today, Tug is our number one subscriber. He's our first subscriber. Tug out in Utah.

[A]

Tugboat.

[B]

So they're called the Tugboats. Our Patreon subscribers are called the Tugboats. But we're the next person who throws in. For 20 bucks a month, you get to name them whatever you want. And I'm gonna say, literally, whatever you want. I'll read whatever.

[A]

I don't. I don't. I don't write a check that your ass can't cash. That's what I was trying to get.

[B]

Is that a bad thing to do?

[A]

Somebody's gonna write some wild for you to say, and I'm like, say it, Turner.

[B]

That's a good point. That's a good point. I will not say racial slurs. No racial slurs. No racial slurs.

[A]

Say it. We'd all love to see this, wouldn't we?

[B]

No racial slurs. But anything else.

[A]

Okay, perfect.

[B]

Yeah. That's the only line I draw. I'm not gonna. Yeah, I won't.

[A]

Yeah, you're about to set yourself up for a tough week.

[B]

Or I could just have you read it. Yeah.

[A]

And that way, even there's a couple of them I don't know if I would touch, but. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No racial slurs. Anything else you want? No racial slurs. It could be your own name. It could be literally anything. It could be someone you don't like. I don't care. And we're doing this right now. We're. Now, we're currently at 21 per month on Patreon. When we get to $250 per month, which is not far off. That only takes 10 more people at 20 bucks a month. $250 a month. That is the first goal we are setting. When we get to that level, Phil, I am taking you to your first hardcore punk concert of your life. We're going to dress up. We're getting you dressed up punk. We're getting you spikes. We're going to get you an old school punk shirt. Not the Ramon, not anything you can buy at the Gap. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Like a slip knot T shirt or some.

[B]

I'm going to get you a real one. We'll go dead Milkman. We'll go Dead Kennedys. We'll go milkman somebody who's dead.

[A]

Are you like it? And you're. Do you go in the mosh pits and shit?

[B]

Of course I go in the mo. I was born in the mosh pit. Going in.

[A]

No, no, you haven't.

[B]

Since I was 14 years old.

[A]

Are you for real?

[B]

Yeah, I played in punk bands all growing up. I punk alums out.

[A]

My God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take you.

[B]

That's what scene.

[A]

If the. I can't. That's like. I'm stressed out thinking about it.

[B]

And we're going to get Joe Russell to film it and we're going to release it as a short film only to our Patreon subscribers.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

So if you want to see Phil the Thrill Ducket in a mosh pit in a hardcore punk.

[A]

I'm gonna get locked. I'm gonna get locked up. Because if I get hit with a chair, I'm swinging. I swear to God, I'm knocking somebody.

[B]

Out swinging with a chair. No, no, no. No one hits anyone with chairs.

[A]

I'm picturing WWE cage match. That's what I'm like. Not gonna go crazy in there if that happens to me. All right, cool.

[B]

By the way, New York City is the birth of the hardcore punk rock scene. It literally, you probably performed. You ever perform at a place called Niagara? They do bar shows sometimes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Niagara is literally the stage. There's a plaque on the wall behind you when you perform. It's this. It's the stage where the hardcore punk scene in the world started. NYC hardcore.

[A]

Such a small room. How do they have room to like kill each other?

[B]

How do you mosh? Yeah, only it only stood like 15 people. But that's where Beastie Boys started as a hardcore punk band. That's where they started.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They play music. They play guitar, drums and bass and everything.

[A]

So Gorilla Biscuit sounds racist as hell.

[B]

That's the name of the band.

[A]

I know, but I'm like, it's a wild name. I never even thought for your boy.

[B]

All right, we're not going. Black gorilla biscuits.

[A]

Don't worry. You know, black people. You know black people look for any reason. Sexy chins raising. Hey, that's the breaks, that gorilla biscuits.

[B]

So we're going. And how about this? If you're a. If you're a Patreon subscriber and you live in New York City, well, we'll. We'll tell you when it is. You can come with us. What do we care? That's that. We're rocking and rolling. We're moving and chicken. It's on everybody. And now should we get to Phil, should we get to. Should we just give them the greatest hits?

[A]

Give them the greatest hits.

[B]

All right. Greatest hits right here. And everybody. Patreon subscribers, stick around till the end. We're going to. Phil's going to be telling some stories and we're going to answer some more questions. Enjoy it. Hey, you want to get bonus content, early episodes and have your questions answered on the show?

[A]

Well, then subscribe to our [e-mail] blackandwhiteadvice and subscribe right now.

[B]

Do it, and we'll give you a shout out out on a future episode.

[A]

And I might call you the N word.

[B]

All right, we're back. Black and white advice. Question number one.

[A]

This is my favorite part.

[B]

This is by far the best part.

[A]

This is my favorite part.

[B]

This is the whole show.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Ready? We're gonna kick it off. Stacy in Washington, D.C. hello, Stacy. How's it going, Stacy? She says I'm a big and beautiful white women who gets no attention from the guys at my predominantly white university.

[A]

Hate to say it.

[B]

That's too bad. Every time I go downtown, though, I get a lot of attention from the African American gentleman. What should I do? I feel like this is a question for Phil.

[A]

Well, we like our vanilla milkshake stick, baby. Let me tell you something. You need to go where you appreciated that, my snow bunny? Because here's the thing. You see it everywhere. You see it in every Walmart in America. All right? It's always a real, real big, big leg white gal with old skinny big dick, brother. That's just how that thing go. You know why? Cause we like the. I don't know why. Why it is. And it's. And it probably goes back to slavery, if we're being honest. I don't know. Cause it's like the Forbidden fruit to some men. My girl is white, but it's not because she is white. It's just met a girl who I actually like, but I have cousins who. That's all they go for.

[B]

Only white women.

[A]

Only white. And they, like. It's like a trophy to them. Like, it's like a thing of pride. And they're just like. I remember my cousin was like, dog, you got to see this new little snow bunny I got. And she walked in, she was 6 3, 260 pounds. I was like, brother, that's a yeti.

[B]

That's a woolly mammoth.

[A]

Tell you that's a chupacabra, motherfucker. But no, but. So that's what I'm saying. I don't care how there's a man out there for you. Every time I see a big white woman who thinks she's ugly, there is always a black man in prison going crazy. So you got to play to your audience, baby.

[B]

A lot of times they'll marry, you know? Like, guys in prison can get married.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Yes.

[B]

The Menendez brothers were in prison down the street from my house, where I grew up.

[A]

Women go crazy.

[B]

They got. They were getting married, and then they were divorcing the women, and they're in for life, bro.

[A]

But think about it. Just think about it.

[B]

Ran the. The pet supply store down the street was like, all. Every time we go in, she's like, I'm gonna tell my husband about you. I'm like, it was Lyle Menendez.

[A]

Oh, say, yeah. And they're like, oh, I'm so scared. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But this is. It's crazy. I don't know why, but think about it. Because during. Even back then, think about how many women listen to True Kind podcasts. Now. Women, like, love that. Like, they actually get turned on by. But the moment you fucking stalk them and follow them home, now they're freaked the fuck out. What? I don't understand. I thought you like this shit. I've never. You know me. I hate that. I'm like, you do understand. These are real stories about real serial killers who terrorize real women. And here you are like, I can't get enough. Yeah, it's. It's weird. It's strange.

[B]

Is the idea that they want to be like, they. They want to be attacked.

[A]

No, they don't. No, I don't think I want to say that. I don't know. And I think in a sick. I think in a sick way, some of these women, they're like, can you imagine that somebody loves them that much. You know what I mean? I think that's what it is. Like, the lengths he went through to prove his love. You're like, he's sick. But, you know, I mean, that's what it has. It has to be some type of mental disorder.

[B]

Yeah, that's the thing. But then, like, every woman has it. I don't think it can be a mental disorder.

[A]

I think it's just A levels to it. I mean, not every woman takes as far as. Not everyone being attracted to Jeffrey Dahmer. You know what I mean? But, like, some are.

[B]

Well, okay. But then Stacy is just saying black guys are into it.

[A]

You got to party off campus more is what I'm.

[B]

Yeah, you got to lean in and.

[A]

Honestly, Stacy, look. Look on your Google Maps. See if There are any HBCUs in your area. Historical black colleges. Go hang out on the yard, baby. I give it six hours. You'll be paying somebody's car note. Don't worry about it.

[B]

Baltimore has one.

[A]

I think Baltimore definitely has. They got Bowie State, they got Morgan State, they got Maryland. Eastern Shore. You were in the right area to find black penis.

[B]

You're going to do great.

[A]

You're a champion. Play like one.

[B]

Phil, how do black women feel about this, though? All these good black guys getting taken away?

[A]

Shit. Joe is so sorry.

[B]

Listen, good black guys. He's talking about guys in prison.

[A]

No, no, but they're talking about them. But in general, like, the interracial thing. Like, I catch a lot of heat for the interracial shit.

[B]

From who?

[A]

Black women. Y'all just hate to be with sisters. And it's like, not really. I mean.

[B]

Okay, it's just, like, about this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you ever get just. Does black men ever give you.

[A]

No black man ever? It was always black women. Oh. Like, there's some moves on, but even, like, my closest homegirls, they're like, you love white women, don't you? Like, it's still, like, a thing. Or black women. Even at shows, I'm like, I have a white baby, Mom. They're like another one bites the dust, you know?

[B]

I mean, what did they.

[A]

That's how I feel, though. It's crazy. This. When I see white men with fine ass, black women, like, taking all our sisters.

[B]

Oh, do you?

[A]

I say it in my head. I don't say it out loud, but I'm like, look at this.

[B]

I don't think I've ever been protective of, like, a random white woman that I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. Because I don't like them. But Yeah, I don't even like the white women I like, so, you know.

[B]

Those people do, but I get the same.

[A]

You went Asian.

[B]

My wife's Chinese, and I do. The only time I will have, like, white women. Not often, but sometimes. Definitely when I used to live in China. The white women out there did not like it when you dated a Chinese woman.

[A]

White women in China got married. You were dating Chinese?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Go back home, Karen.

[B]

Exactly. Get out of here.

[A]

What the fuck does that. Yeah, how is that even.

[B]

And it was the same. It was like some type of. Like, you're taking. I don't. I mean, it's just like. Is the word racism? I don't know what the word is. You're not. I thought intercultural relationships were supposed to be good.

[A]

They. They aren't. They.

[B]

These are like liberal white women who would get upset.

[A]

Their problem is. Yeah, I don't know what. You know what I'm saying? I think for you all. And. And I think they think it's a fetish. So that's why they.

[B]

Yeah, but that's just a racist way of saying I don't like interracial dating.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Isn't it? Yeah, but the choir here, we're both on the same thing.

[A]

I'm like, yeah, I know, but there's. Cause you know what? Black women with. The ones that always have something to say about me being with a white woman, they never say anything about Serena Williams and her husband or any. Or Eve and her. Like, anytime a black woman's with a white man, they never. They were like, get your money, sis. When I do it, I'm the scum of the earth. So it's like, I don't know what you want.

[B]

I like how Serena Williams needs somebody else's money.

[A]

Right. But he has way more than her. He's a billionaire.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Her husband. She married a billionaire.

[B]

I was wondering, because I saw him.

[A]

And I'm like, yeah, he's a billionaire.

[B]

He's just like a skinny nerd tech guy. That's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She. He has way more money than she does. That's how you know.

[B]

That's when the guy has, like. Is totally out of shape.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whenever it's like a super in shape woman and just like a slob of a guy, it's like, oh, he's rich.

[A]

He just sees me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

All right. Okay. This is from James and from China. He's in America, but from China. I just moved to America. I just moved to America when I'm referring to someone like Phil. Am I supposed to say black, African American, or person of color? It's so confusing. Before I arrived, I was told to say African American, but I don't hear many people use that term.

[A]

Yeah, that's term fizzled out. But you can always use African American. Nobody's going to really be, like, offended. Person of color could probably get your teeth knocked out. I hate person of color.

[B]

You hate person. Why? Why did. A couple years ago, it was decided you had to say po.

[A]

White people decided that we. We none of us knew that was white people. We were like, where the.

[B]

I never used it.

[A]

We thought y'all were getting tricky with the wording because y'all couldn't call us colored people no more. So you said people of color, and that's why I don't like that.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

I'm like, this is. We're going backwards. But black is always. And some people get weird. I'm like, you know, black's not a bad word. It's a color. Like, we're black.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

African American you can use. But it's fizzled out because we were African American at one point, the ones that got off the boat and became slaves in America were African American. None. It's been seven generations, 10 generations since we've off the boat. Maybe more than that.

[B]

Been in Africa.

[A]

Been in Africa. I don't know a relative in my family who's even seen Africa. So we can't be African American. But, I mean, I guess, you know, you can say that because, you know, I did my 23andMe, and, you know, I'm like 87% West African. But by heritage, you know, I mean, like, ethnicity. But, yeah, if you strapped me off in Africa right now, it'd be the same as me going to Greece. I wouldn't know shit. I'd be like, okay, lions and zebras. You know what I mean? I'd be lost.

[B]

You're not like, oh, I'm home.

[A]

Yeah, I would not feel like that. But now, you know, I'm sure I would assimilate pretty quick because I am a brother. But African, black and American black are not the same if you know anything about it. Most Africans do not fuck with black Americans. They think we're lazy and shit like that. Like, it's like a weird, like, unspoken thing. A lot of Africans don't really read like, pants hanging off your ass.

[B]

That's what they say.

[A]

Sagging, lazy. Yeah. You know, like, let me think about. A lot of Nigerians and shit. Are the Hardest workers you've ever met. Most of them just work they ass off. If they're not doctors, they're the best delivery man you've ever had. Like, but they have a work ethic about them.

[B]

Lot of doctors. Doctors are delivery man.

[A]

But that's what I'm saying. That's the scale. Like the top of the all of them are hard workers. But depending on where they're from, they're either a doctor or they, you know, have some blue collar job. But whatever it is, they are like the hardest workers.

[B]

Yeah, but even the delivery man was a doctor backing over there and they.

[A]

Just want him cut people open here. But he still does it in his apartment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, you know, that's how it is. But no, I just, I think person of color for me, I don't like that. I'm just like, nah.

[B]

Okay. As an outsider, that never made sense to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When did it come about? Like five years ago.

[A]

Yeah. During the cancel culture.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When everybody got 18 years, 20, 20, all that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

When all of a sudden we were people of color and everybody was on the spectrum and gay.

[B]

Everybody was every. Remember when every show was. You had to be on the spectrum to like be on tv.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have a reason. I have a theory why. I think it's because as a writer, like the good doctors on the spectrum. There's a show called Spectrum Ville or something.

[A]

Love on the spectrum.

[B]

Love on the Spectrum. Because it's a. It's an easy character to write. Don't you think? If you're writing a show, I swear to you, if you're writing a show, I don't think this is offensive. It might be, but if you're writing a show, someone who just speaks their mind, no matter if. If it's the contextually the right thing to do or not.

[A]

So you just say whatever.

[B]

Somebody's like, yeah, he's autistic. It's like, yeah, it's an easy. If I'm sitting down to write a character, if I'm. It's so easy to write a guy who's like, you're ugly or like, I don't want to date you because you're poor.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Well, I can write that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's harder to write nuance.

[A]

That's true. I never even thought about it like that. I just thought we like picking on them so we just kind of made it try to hide it more like, no, we're inclusive.

[B]

That's probably.

[A]

We're all watching them and laughing. Nobody's watching this. You're like, I wish I was dating a slow person. Like, oh, the love on the spectrum.

[B]

Yeah. What that. I have another theory that. Okay, so they don't. Like, it's. For some reason you're not a lot.

[A]

Not.

[B]

For some reason you're not allowed to have freak shows anymore, right? I think they still.

[A]

Actually, they have one in Coney Island. I went a couple of years ago. But they're. They're. The freak show is so ghetto. They're all just cornies that they. That they bring in.

[B]

They had like a bearded lady and.

[A]

Yeah, but she was just a lady with stubble. I'm like, it's not really the same.

[B]

Wasn't even.

[A]

I got aunt that looks like that bearded lady.

[B]

I saw two of them.

[A]

Chelsea.

[B]

Chelsea. Oh, yeah. You walk around.

[A]

So it's like, it's not really the same. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, there's like five of them at the comedy seller right now, too.

[A]

That's like, we have Google now, too.

[B]

The only way to get past these.

[A]

Days, you got to have something.

[B]

You got to be a bearded lady.

[A]

Bearded ladies.

[B]

There's freak shows now, though. It's called TLC's Thousand Pound Life. This is my point. So everyone's too good for freak shows all of a sudden. I think we should still have freaks and freak shows, but society's decided we're not. But we just put them all on TV and we say we're proud of them, right?

[A]

And we're all literally smoking like, look at this moron. Yeah.

[B]

No one's proud of the thousand pound ladies.

[A]

No. Ever. Matter of fact, we're there to see the doctor and say you're fat. Yeah, like, the doctor is the funniest one because I'm like, he's the meanest, funniest guy. He's the best one. But no, that show. Those are the freak shows now. You know? I mean, what was it? Little person, big world where there's just a gang of midgets? You know what I mean? It's like. I mean, it's interesting, but people aren't watching it. Like, oh, I gotta be in this room. It's like we're watching it because we're like, do you see this shit?

[B]

It's fun to see midgets.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And that's the problem because you can't even say that now. People are like, no. I'm like, but you watch the shit every week, don't you? So you do like to see midgets. Yeah, exactly. I'm not wrong for observing what you like doing everyone.

[B]

And people have always liked to see midgets.

[A]

And I have always been a big. You know, I've slept with two in my life.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Yeah, I don't discriminate. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I've slept with two little people.

[B]

That's fun.

[A]

You know, they all got the donkey on them. They just always got their fat ass. Every single one of them got a fat ass. Yeah. And the first one that I got with, I was 18. And then seven years later, when I was in grad school, I was in Ohio. I was 25. The one when I was 25, I met her in Walmart. She was reaching for the spicy Doritos, couldn't get to them. They were on the third shelf. I walked over to her, I was like, need a hand with those? She was like, you are so sweet.

[B]

You're like Andre the Giant.

[A]

Literally third shelf. Literally just walked up, reached my hand out. Yeah.

[B]

Now I have a question. What do they prefer to be called? Is it little people that I think, or is that like a POC thing?

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I don't know because I think they might have voted on this.

[B]

They voted little people.

[A]

Little people census.

[B]

And they were like, that's another odd one. Because like, they're people like anybody else.

[A]

Right. And I think they should be allowed to vote with the rest of us. But I don't know. Here's the thing. One day, I think one day. But I think that. The fuck was I saying? No, I think that that's what really. What's going on with the whole. They decided that. I don't know. Be honest. Because I've talked to a couple of them and they're like, I don't give a shit if you say midget or not. Like, I don't. You know what?

[B]

That's most people, yeah, they' you actually get down to any different group. They're like, I don't. Call me whatever.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, just don't be fucking rude. But it's like, if you said midget, I'm not gonna like jump down your throat. Because honestly, I feel like midget. I feel like little person is way more offensive than midget.

[B]

That's what I was asking.

[A]

Because you're a grown ass fucking man. You're 35 years old. And I'm like, look at this little guy.

[B]

That's my what? Now I do have a real question. Cause we were saying, you know, like, black don't crack. Right. Asian don't raisin. I've heard what I feel like. Midgets, kind of.

[A]

Midgets don't gidget.

[B]

They don't gidget. They're all the same. You can't tell an age difference. That's an upside. Midget. I don't know what gidget means, but I agree. They don't.

[A]

Midgets don't fidget. It works.

[B]

The last munchkin from wizard of Oz. Now, I don't like the term Munchkin.

[A]

Munchkin.

[B]

Wizard of Oz. Oh, he just died.

[A]

He was an actual yellow brick road.

[B]

He's like 100 years old.

[A]

I didn't know they lived that long. Yeah. Wow. I mean, I got to understand. I wonder, like, I feel like for midgets, I wonder if their life insurance policies are less than normal people because the coffin don't got to be as big.

[B]

I consider them normal people.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, like, dude, they just get an extravagant wedding with the same deal. Yeah. You know, I mean, because your. Your life insurance policy is 100k, but your coffin is only like 600 bucks.

[B]

Well, they definitely do wear children's clothes. That's a fact.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they probably use a children's basket. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, that family's eating good.

[B]

At some point, we got to get a midget on here as a. As a guest.

[A]

I would love to have a few in here.

[B]

A few.

[A]

We could fit a few and we could have a real fun game with that. We have a hell of a game.

[B]

Just under the table. Oh, my Lord.

[A]

Is so fun.

[B]

What was the question? I don't even. I literally.

[A]

I don't know how we got on midgets.

[B]

I don't either. Was it, why don't white people use lotion?

[A]

No, there had to be a transition from lotion images.

[B]

This comes from Adam in the East Bay of San Francisco. I guess the Bay area, Northern California. Why do white people smell bad when we are wet? He asks.

[A]

Baby, if that ain't the million dollar question we've been trying to figure out since we got to this country. So I don't know if you all know this. Some white. Because clearly, I'm assuming Adam's a white dude.

[B]

Adam's a white dude.

[A]

Yeah. I'm assuming because that's one of our, like, trade secrets. Like, like, only certain white.

[B]

I don't think all white people know that.

[A]

They don't. And black people talk about this all the time. Even my mom said when I forgot when my girl.

[B]

When you. They teach this when you're a kid.

[A]

Oh, my. They don't teach it to you.

[B]

You just hear it first time you go to a white kid?

[A]

No.

[B]

No, you just got a smell.

[A]

No, you just hear it growing up, you know, I mean, like, it'll start raining and. And then. Yes, when it's. When it rains. That's the. That's the same.

[B]

It was like jumping out of a pool or something.

[A]

No, we're talking about normally when it rains. No, so not if you're submerged, but like, if you're. Just get wet.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

That's when the smell comes, when you dry. It's like. And. And I remember even my mom said it before she knew my girl, she's like, you got a white girl. She said, what you gonna do about the house after it rains? I was like, you know, because it's an umbrella. It's a known thing. Like my grandma, you say. She was like, well, you know, they smell like golden retrievers when it start raining. White people have this.

[B]

I was gonna ask, what is this smell?

[A]

It's like a. Like a dog smell.

[B]

Like a dog. That's so racist.

[A]

Oh, it's 100% racist. I mean, it's probably one of the most.

[B]

Smell like dogs.

[A]

You smell like wet dog. And, yeah, so sometimes black people get that smell if they've been outside for a run. Like, oh, that smell like white folks. You know? I mean, like, yeah, it's racist.

[B]

You hang around too many white people, you smell like it.

[A]

Well, I remember everybody was like, so what's your house smell like? You just Febreze all the time. I was like. They were like, because you know how they get. You know how they get.

[B]

I think I have the answer.

[A]

You have a lot of pets.

[B]

No, Stander, it's. We're not. I blame our towels. So it's not.

[A]

Are y'all not doing regular laundry?

[B]

Not as often as we should. I didn't wash my towels for years because the logic.

[A]

Wait a minute. No, we're not running past that. Hold on.

[B]

No, because I'm gonna explain towels for years, not a long time. Because not as often as you. Cause here's the deal. The logic is you take a shower, right? You clean, your towel's clean. You wipe yourself off with your towel. It's clean on clean. It's still clean. At the end of it, it's still clean. There's no. At no point does it get dirty. And so then you know how like a month or two in, like the month or two mildew builds. And I think what you're smelling is mildew from mildew sets in after a.

[A]

Two. A week? No, when you leave a damp towel up in that bathroom and it's. And it's moist and foggy and then it dries, then the next day somebody else take a shower, it gets moist and dry. Mildew takes. No, first of all, you. No, it does. It does. Turner, have you ever been doing laundry and left some clothes in the washer overnight and forget to put them in dryer by the next morning? They smell like mildew.

[B]

Yeah, but those are like soaking wet.

[A]

What do you think mist is? It's misty in the bathroom.

[B]

Well, I'm giving the explanation. I've changed my ways now. God, Turner, how long now do you both wash your towels? Like when you. Okay, so you have a new towel every week? Yeah, once a week. Once a week. Okay, I'm on it. Once a week.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

But my wife's Chinese. She kind of whipped me into shape with that.

[A]

Well, no, that's the name, because they don't around neither.

[B]

And we didn't meet Till I was.

[A]

34, so she had to break a lot of bad habits.

[B]

34 years, Turner. So you're drying off with stinky towels.

[A]

It has your skin cells. It has the scales that the cells that didn't get off. And then when the scrub. Yeah, those are getting.

[B]

So you're coming in out of the rain and you're just putting like a.

[A]

Mildewy towel right back on you.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, y'all think spraying axe on it, it changes things. But you can't put funk on sweet and think it's going to change up. Now you just got a sweet funk. You know what I mean? It's.

[B]

But you know who said that? George Clinton?

[A]

No, Phil Duckett, but I like where his head's at. But Turner, the thing is, I don't know if you realize how blessed you are between.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Growing up with a communal toothbrush and once, once every two years, changing towels.

[B]

I've gotten a lot of hate mail about that.

[A]

You haven't deteriorated in real time. Is just mind blowing.

[B]

Still doing all right.

[A]

You should have been dead years ago.

[B]

I have a second reason.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Why we smell like you said, like wet dogs.

[A]

Airbuds.

[B]

Airbuds. Okay. White people swim more often. Hold on, hold on in. Let me finish. In lakes, in dirty bodies of water. Because a lot of growing up white is a series of challenges and dares from friends. And so it's like, hey, when you're six, it's like, hey, you want to be friends with somebody? Well, they're like, I dare you to swim across that sewage dump. And you go, yeah, I'll do it. And then you do it. And then at the end, you have a new friend. But if you don't do it, you're the nerd. You're out. You know? And then when you get to college, it's the exact same thing, but it's because you're drunk and you want to get into fraternity or whatever you want to.

[A]

So that's why y'all be like fudgeing goats and shit.

[B]

Yeah. Because a lot of our time is spent. Yeah. So then you smell like the sewers.

[A]

So the sewer that you swim in, it you still smell like when you're in your 20s.

[B]

No, no, I'm saying continually.

[A]

Oh, you're constantly swimming.

[B]

Constantly swimming to prove your worth to people. So there's six. It's because you want a new. A new friend, but when you're in high school, it's because you're drunk. And then when you're in college, you want to be in the fraternity. And then. I don't know. I never worked on Wall Street. I assumed they continue the dares.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that there's. It's a two pronged. It's the towel and it's the sewage swimming.

[A]

I feel like your second reason is complete horseshit. But the towel part definitely seems like it has some. Some legs on.

[B]

Like Ben in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Ben says, hi, Turner and Phil. I'm 25 years old and white. For the past three months, I've been dating a black girl.

[A]

Oh, good for you. What?

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Out in Bay Ridge. That's frowned upon.

[B]

She's great. He says, I think I'm in love with her. How much longer do I have to wait before I can touch her hair?

[A]

Ben, break up with her or I'm gonna call her and tell her to break up with you. Left.

[B]

Turn right.

[A]

Right. Ben, you're a fucking sicko.

[B]

We're in love. She's great.

[A]

You're in love with her hair, aren't you? Listen, what is it with white people's fascination with black hair? It's like, I don't. I don't get it. I really don't. I mean, like, I've never wanted to. I've seen white people here. I know it's different than mine. I've never been like, can I run my fingers through?

[B]

You want to give it a touch?

[A]

I don't. Y'all care.

[B]

Give it a touch.

[A]

White people, you know, black people can't get lice that's not true. It's very true.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Because they have a hard time. Our hair, the texture, they cannot catch a grip. That's not true. It isn't that for fact.

[B]

Save that for white lies.

[A]

Yeah. Black people can't get black people. Or. Either that or it's harder for us to get lice. This is why. Think about when every time there was a lice outbreak at schools, it was always little Sarah and her Becky friends. And they all had to get the lice shampoo in the color.

[B]

It's like little Timmy with the Kool Aid mustache. Like dirty knees.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Blonde haired, dirty.

[A]

LA Gears.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mama came to pick them up in a Honda minivan. You knew exactly LA Lights. Yeah, yeah. LA Gears. Yeah, yeah. And they like, lit up like the police in the back.

[B]

All right, what was the question? Oh, yeah. Why do we want to touch black people's hair?

[A]

What is it? Because, I mean, listen, we're not petting animals. We're not. You don't pet people.

[B]

Sure. What if you do the Louis CK where it's okay if you ask first?

[A]

It's not. First of all, it's because it's not okay. I'm not some fucking museum exhibit. No, don't touch my. And the fact that you want to touch it so bad because guess what?

[B]

Let me touch it. I think it's mostly women, right? Mostly women. Mostly white women want to touch black women hair.

[A]

My mom told me that happened to her, that she had a roommate back in the 80s and she had asked about it. And mom was like, no. And she said she was like, one.

[B]

Night, but the roommate said, can I touch your hair?

[A]

She's like, oh, my God, I just love your hair. Can I touch it? Mom's like, that's how they do it. And she was like. She was like, I'll never forget it. She was like. She was a really sweet girl. She said one night I was asleep, she said, and I felt something in my hair. And she said, I almost like got up.

[B]

Was it lice? Was it?

[A]

It wasn't. No. Because we don't get it. But she was like this. She was like this girl, this white girl took her brush and was brushing my hair while she thought I was sleep. I said, and what did you do? She said, I stayed in fake sleep.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. She said the next morning, I said, what were you doing last night? And she's like, what are you talking? She was like, you were brushing my hair. She was like. She was so embarrassed. She's like, I'm so sorry, Tita. She was like. I just wanted to see, like, a brush. The same. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's a. It's a level of.

[B]

That person's a serial killer. That's a total serial killer move. That's like, get out.

[A]

I'm telling you. Yeah. I'm telling you. I think her name was Nancy Pelosi.

[B]

I. I've never wanted. Do you remember Nancy Pelosi in the dashiki?

[A]

Yeah, buddy. Oh, my.

[B]

That was my favorite.

[A]

One of the weirdest times when all of the House of Congress came in to the Capitol wearing dashiki.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

This right here is not what Malcolm had in mind. This right here is making my stomach turn.

[B]

That was how I knew we healed the racial divide.

[A]

We did not. We did, matter of fact, during COVID It was so weird because I saw somebody. So many videos. There was this group of white people who were washing all the black people in the town's feet and apologizing, and I literally could not stop laughing. I said, white people. This is not. We just wanted the referee. It was like, just send the checks. We don't need all this extra.

[B]

It was Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi doing, like, a dance.

[A]

It was so cringy, dog. I remember watching this, and I was like. I was smoking. I was like. I was like, I can't even watch this no more. It was up.

[B]

Meanwhile, they're still investing and, like, making billions on investments. They're like, maybe this dance will fix it.

[A]

Remember when they painted all the streets with Black Lives Matter?

[B]

Sure. Did that work, buddy.

[A]

They repainted over those. Six months later, all them streets is all black. They. They took all that paint off.

[B]

Crazy, I think, with the hair.

[A]

How long would you wait? How long did you wait to touch your wife?

[B]

Sarah, Chinese hair? I don't think it's the same divide we have. I don't. You touch your. I. It wasn't like a thing. It wasn't like, can I touch. I would say Chinese people want to touch white hair.

[A]

I have found that it's the same hair.

[B]

No, it's.

[A]

It's just black.

[B]

They think. They think white person hair is slightly softer and there's a soft, slightly more coarse.

[A]

They hate themselves.

[B]

And so they go. They go, can I touch her? Okay, my Chinese is terrible. But that wasn't even. Right. Don't even translate that. What? I think you just sneak it if you want to touch your girl's hair.

[A]

Or you don't sneak first off, stop listening, Turner.

[B]

First of all, you pretend like you're tripping, you're walking, and then.

[A]

No, no, she's gonna leave all into her. And then you, you know, she's gonna leave you if. I mean, if you just have to see the texture. Don't do a fucking weirdo serial killer between the fingers. Just when you guys are watching a movie, put your arm around her and then just be like, hey, babe. Like you do like, you know, like do her baby hairs or something.

[B]

That's what I was gonna say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, is it. Don't you naturally touch the hair?

[A]

But if you make it a thing like, can I just please do.

[B]

You know what I think's weirder? What I think's weirder, but really good.

[A]

It really good.

[B]

See, what's weirder is they've been together three months and he hasn't touched the hair. How do you have a relationship someone for three months?

[A]

How do you hit it from the back and not grab her hair and.

[B]

You don't touch at no point you're.

[A]

Like, well, you know, that's true. Cuz if she got a sewing, you actually, you can't grab black. Like, you know, when you have sex with a white woman, you're doing it doggy. You know, they don't mind you wrapping their hair up like a, like a horse's mane. And they like that. But with the sister, she got a sew in or something, she's like, uh, don't touch my.

[B]

Then it flies off.

[A]

Okay, if there's a sewing, it's not gonna.

[B]

I don't know what a sewing is.

[A]

We gotta get you around more black people. Then it just flies off. But yes, that can happen as well. Or have you ever just taken a girl's wig off mid sex and put it on? I've done that.

[B]

You put it on yourself. Like a magic chair. Like a fun house.

[A]

Yeah, it's a good time.

[B]

Like Gallagher over here. It's a real prop comic.

[A]

Hey, man, I don't mind it. It's a good time. We switcheroo.

[B]

Next question. This is from Nancy. She says, good afternoon. I'm a 57 year old white woman from Waterford, Michigan. Hello, Nancy. I have a bad hip. I wanted to ask if it's too late to make my Facebook profile. Pick a black square. Thanks and have a good weekend.

[A]

What does having a bad hip have to do with that?

[B]

I think she's trying to say that she can't. I don't know, maybe she can't march or something because I'M like, what the. I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

I have a bad hit.

[B]

She just wanted us to know she.

[A]

Has a bad hip. But can I be a BLM ally?

[B]

I think that's it. With a. She threw in the bad hip for some reason. I'm assuming that's why I'm assuming it's.

[A]

Unless you want me to know that her brother broke that hip.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

It could be any reason. But anyway, she has a bad hip. People. Old people say stuff.

[A]

I have a bad hip. Can I be your friend?

[B]

Is it too late to do the Black Square on Facebook?

[A]

I mean, I guess it's never too late, but why would. But why would you do it now? I mean, BLM was proven to be a scam. The guy's already gone, getting indicted for stealing money, and he was like an albino black guy.

[B]

So I'm like, was he.

[A]

Yeah, he was albino. The leader of the BLM who got charged for stealing money is like, albino as fuck. And I'm like, y'all should have known something was up with that to begin with. You need a little darker tone to be an ally. I had some questions.

[B]

He bought, like, a bunch of mansions, right?

[A]

Yeah, I bought a bunch of shit.

[B]

And I'm like, where did the money? And I saw. I believe. It's hard to know what you watched if it was like, is this real or is this propaganda?

[A]

Right.

[B]

But what I saw was they said to him, well, you said, you're going to be donating this money to black. To black people.

[A]

I am.

[B]

And his answer was, I am black people. So I donated to myself.

[A]

And we were all like, we need to see some paperwork.

[B]

I mean, even if he is. That's the craziest.

[A]

It is crazy even if you are black. So you don't want to spread the wealth amongst the blacks.

[B]

So you should have told people you're giving. The money's going.

[A]

Yeah, for real. But maybe she doesn't.

[B]

Maybe that news didn't make itself to Waterford, Michigan.

[A]

Well, yeah, she might be in the Upper peninsula of Michigan. The up in this, man. They don't have too many brothers up there. No way. So she's fine.

[B]

All right. So she can do it.

[A]

Yeah, why not?

[B]

I mean, I don't see.

[A]

Empty gesture. We'll take.

[B]

She has a bad hip. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Bad hip. Kept my fingers from working. Yeah, Nancy, we. We get it.

[B]

She subscribed to our show, so maybe that's all she. Yeah, there you go. All right, Luke and Queens, I'm A white guy who started dating a black woman. She has invited me to a barbecue party with her Jamaican family in Brownsville, Brooklyn, this weekend. We should let the audience know. Brownsville.

[A]

Brownsville. It is still 1983 in Brownsville. Do not go there. The gentrification has never touched it. It is the real deal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A good. Good description.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do I need to do to prepare for this event?

[A]

Probably check yourself into the ER in advance. And again. Yeah, I would just go and call out on this.

[B]

Like, you book a hotel room. Can you go on, like, whatever. TripAdvisor or pre. Book a ER visit?

[A]

No, no. I would just jump from an Uber. Like, somebody can hit you. Just. I just need a little touch, a little bump.

[B]

Just get out of it.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm. Oh, I'm doing. Yeah, now this is my. I have. I'm at the hospital, babe. I was. I was hit by a car. Are you crazy?

[B]

Don't go to. Don't.

[A]

How long have you been dating her? That's what I want to know. You know, I mean, because. Is she the one? Is it. Because if it's just a fling. Yeah, it ain't worth that.

[B]

Don't go to.

[A]

Don't even go. Don't even go, man. Because I'm. I'm. Listen, I'm black as hell and my. I got a couple. Some of my closest friends are from Brooklyn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. And when I moved here nine years ago, I'll never forget it. He was like. A couple things. He was like. About the subway. He was like. And never go to East New York, he said. Ever, he said, unless I'm with you or somebody. He said, but. He said, but I don't go there, so you'll never go. He's like, I don't care if she bad as fuck. Wanna suck everything off of. He said. He said, do not go. He was like. Because I'm telling you, he said, it's different over there. And that was a real New Yorker telling me that. And to this day, I've gone to East New York maybe one time and I was with somebody from there. And he was like. He was like, no. He was like, we good. But you know, be aware of your surroundings. When people have to tell you that when they get. When you get to their house, be aware of your surroundings. It's an uneasy feeling. So why am I here? I don't like being in places where I can't relax.

[B]

You know, me, it's amazing. I've been to Brownsville once. No, I Think twice.

[A]

You got more street cred than me.

[B]

I went because when I first moved here, you had no health care. So I. I just come back to the U.S. i had, like, no credit, no anything, no health care. So I signed up for Obamacare. And at that time, you had to go in person. You couldn't do it online.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So I had my. My agent, or whatever the state assigns you to was in Brownsville, so I had to go to her office in Brownsville. It was terrifying.

[A]

No, it's.

[B]

And I went at like, 11am that's what I'm saying.

[A]

With the sun's out.

[B]

And the third time I went, she was like, I went three times. Because I remember the third time, she's like, never come back.

[A]

Care.

[B]

We can do it all online.

[A]

You look like free lunch.

[B]

Yeah, it was free lunch.

[A]

You look, like, free.

[B]

I look like a salami sandwich.

[A]

Yeah, barbecue chicken. They're like, yeah, barbecue chicken.

[B]

She's like, you shouldn't be walking around this neighborhood.

[A]

You were over waving at random people. Hi, guys.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

Beautiful day.

[B]

I was doing the Australian guy. I might. What are you doing? I remember just getting off the subway at the Brownsville stop and being like.

[A]

You know, Mike Tyson's from Brownsville.

[B]

Is he?

[A]

That's where he's from. Yeah. It's still the exact same, untouched.

[B]

It's rough.

[A]

It is terrifying.

[B]

Okay, so don't go.

[A]

Don't go.

[B]

That's a good answer.

[A]

All right.

[B]

That's the show, everybody.

[A]

2025 is 2025. Welcome to the new year, baby.

[B]

Welcome to the new year. Have a happy new year, everybody. There are no white lies and dark truths this week. Joe Russell's on vacation. Plus, I don't need people telling me I'm wrong every single week.

[A]

So we could take a break from coming down on Turner so hard.

[B]

We can take a break. Exactly. Now for Patreon subscribers. Stick around. Phil, I want to ask you. I went with you while we were both at the New York Comedy Club Holiday party a few days ago.

[A]

Annual holiday party.

[B]

And you hosted it. It's a. It's a room full of 300 New York City comedians. You hosted the event the hardest.

[A]

The hardest room you will ever do.

[B]

And you killed it. The owner of the New York Comedy Club to his face. This is one of the most important people in the scene of comedy in New York City. You roasted him to his face. I want to get that entire story from you beat by beat, but I want to do it for the Patreon subscribers. For Tug. The Tug boats only. So Patreon subscribers stick around. Everybody else have a happy New Year. Stay black. You've got a question but you're scared to ask.

[A]

Just drop the boys a message.

[B]

Cause they're up to the task they're rolling the dice they ain't always nice.

[A]

But you can't think twice and get it Black and white advice, Black and white advice.