4: Heroin or Heroine

Summary

Podcast Summary: Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
Episode 4: Heroin or Heroine
Release Date: February 23, 2025

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Introduction to Jake and His Struggles

In Episode 4 of Blink, titled "Heroin or Heroine," co-hosts Corinne Vien and Jacob Haendel delve deep into Jake Haendel's tumultuous journey through love, addiction, and tragedy. The episode navigates Jake's battle with a terminal progressive disease while unraveling the complexities of his past relationships and substance abuse.

Meeting Ellen and the Spark of Hope

Jake begins his story with his life as a sous chef at the Horseshoe Pub in Hudson, Massachusetts. Amidst his struggle with nicotine addiction, Jake's life takes an unexpected turn when Ellen arrives on a Harley motorcycle, captivating his attention.

Jake [05:37]: "They exchanged numbers and a few weeks later, Jake made another move and he texted Ellen."

Ellen, referred to as Elle by her friends, brings a sense of excitement and mystery into Jake's life. Her charisma and independence are immediately appealing to Jake, setting the foundation for what he hopes will be a transformative relationship.

Building a Relationship Amid Lies and Drug Use

As Jake and Ellen's relationship develops, underlying tensions surface, primarily stemming from Jake's drug use and his propensity to hide the extent of his addiction. Jake confesses to lying about his opiate use to earn Ellen's trust, fearing that honesty would jeopardize their budding relationship.

Jake [05:57]: "This was pre rideshare days and the guy who drove them here was certainly not going to be cool with dropping the two of them off together."

Ellen's proactive nature is evident when she invites Jake to an EDM concert in Boston, further tightening their bond. However, the façade Jake maintains begins to crack as Ellen starts seeing through his deceptions.

Jake [09:32]: "At this point, Jake was living in another extended stay hotel after leaving the apartment that he'd previously shared with his brother Max post their big blowout fight."

The episode highlights the delicate balance Jake tries to maintain between his love for Ellen and his struggle with addiction, showcasing the internal conflict that drives much of the narrative.

Marriage, Pregnancy, and Tragedy

The relationship reaches a pivotal moment when Jake and Ellen decide to marry on New Year's Eve, symbolizing Jake's desire for stability and normalcy. Their wedding is a beacon of hope, but it soon becomes overshadowed by heartbreak.

Jake [35:00]: "The wedding cake was going to double as a gender reveal. History repeats itself."

Tragically, Ellen suffers two miscarriages, which deeply impact Jake and push him further into despair. These losses exacerbate his addiction, leading to a vicious cycle of self-medication and emotional turmoil.

Jake [41:45]: "There's always that depiction of that scumbag dude who probably at one point was a decent person... But these drugs cloud you."

Relapse and Relationship Breakdown

Jake's relapse into heroin and alcohol marks a significant downturn in his relationship with Ellen. His inability to stay clean and the ensuing emotional strain culminate in the dissolution of their marriage.

Jake [36:48]: "I felt so small, so horrible. I almost wanted to tell her mom."

Ellen's attempt to understand and participate in Jake's world by using heroin herself only serves to highlight the destructive nature of addiction. The episode poignantly captures the fragility of their relationship and the devastating impact of substance abuse.

Ellen [39:54]: "Jake also expressed his concerns about all the things that could happen to her when seeking out this drug. She could be robbed, she could be propositioned for sex, she could be seriously harmed."

Reflections on Addiction and Consequences

As the episode draws to a close, Jake reflects on his actions and the irreversible damage caused by his addiction. He acknowledges his role in perpetuating the cycle of dependency and the broader implications of his behavior.

Jake [40:12]: "It's something you are never honest about ever in your use of hiding from everyone. And I was never able to be fully honest."

Ellen adds depth to the narrative by discussing the emotional and moral complexities of addiction, emphasizing the blurred lines between self-preservation and causing harm to others.

Ellen [41:45]: "There may not be redemption for the people in this story. No triumphant escape, just a haunting truth that when we're dragged into darkness, sometimes we become the very monsters we're running from."

Conclusion

Episode 4 of Blink offers a raw and unflinching look into Jake Haendel's life, painting a vivid portrait of love intertwined with addiction and loss. Through honest storytelling and poignant reflections, the episode sheds light on the harrowing realities of substance abuse and its ripple effects on personal relationships and self-perception.

Listeners are left contemplating the depths of human vulnerability and the challenging journey toward redemption amidst overwhelming odds.

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Notable Quotes:

• Jake [05:37]: "They exchanged numbers and a few weeks later, Jake made another move and he texted Ellen."

• Jake [17:01]: "I always told myself, stop doing drugs when I have a kid or I hit 31 or the other."

• Ellen [41:45]: "There may not be redemption for the people in this story. No triumphant escape, just a haunting truth that when we're dragged into darkness, sometimes we become the very monsters we're running from."

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For more detailed accounts and a deeper dive into Jake's story, listeners are encouraged to tune into the full episode of Blink.

Transcript

[Jake]

Get the Angel REEF Special at McDonald's. Now let's break it down.

[Ellen]

My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and the drinks. Sound good.

[Corinne Vien]

I participate in restaurants for a limited.

[Ellen]

Time do you love True Crime Documentaries and True Crime Podcasts? Then I want to tell you about the podcast True Crime Obsessed, which combines them both. Each week on True Crime Obsessed, hosts Patrick and Jillian tell a fascinating true crime story by recapping a popular documentary based on the case. Their storytelling is detailed and suspenseful, but it's also entertaining and funny. A listener review put it best by saying these two strike the perfect balance between humor and thriller. Listening to them, I'm belly laughing while at the same time locking my doors and turning on all the lights. True Crumb Obsessed has been at the top of the podcast charts for over nine years. With over 300 million downloads and more than 30,000 five star reviews on Apple Podcasts and a thriving community of listeners. TCO is a fan favorite and we know you're going to love it too. So if you're looking for a new true crime obsession, follow True Crime Obsessed Wherever you get podcasts, There are over 400 episodes waiting for you to check out right now, covering everything from serial killers to notorious murders to the cases you haven't heard about but won't be able to forget. That's True Crime Obsessed wherever you're listening right now. Blink is intended for mature audiences as it discusses topics that can be upsetting such as drug use, sexual assault, and emotional and physical violence. And in this particular episode, pregnancy and child loss is also mentioned. Content warnings for each episode are included in the Show Notes. Resources for drug addiction and domestic abuse can be found in the Show Notes and on our website, blinkthepodcast.com the testimonies and opinions expressed by guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or affiliates of this podcast. Love. It's the promise of warmth, comfort and safety, isn't it? It's a force that we're all drawn to, as if we're hardwired to crave it. And everyone deserves to be loved. But love does have a dark side. Choosing who we let close, who we let into the quietest, most fragile corners of our lives. It's a risk. But the idea of finding someone who seems perfect, who knows just what to say, who makes you feel seen and safe, understood, loved. Well, that makes it all worth it, right? But sometimes, instead of safety, we Find betrayal. Sometimes the hand you hold can be the hand that pulls you under Love is a gamble and it could cost you everything. This is Blink. I'm your host, Corinne Vien.

[Jake]

I'm Jay Candle. This is my story. I was working as a sous chef in Hudson, Mass at a place called the Horseshoe Pub. This place had like 150 beers on tap. I think a total of 900 beers. And they were trying to be like a gastropub, like doing this fancy ish food paired with these beers. I was a nicotine addict and I was smoking a cigarette in the back. This girl pulls in on like a Harley motorcycle. Could tell she was cute. There was like three spots, the dumpster and this door. And I'm smoking like at the door next to the dumpster. And she parked in one of the spots. I'm like, she coming here? You know, the back door. Like she's not a customer. And I had never seen her. I'd worked there for a while. She gets off her bike and walks in the employee entrance right by me. And I was like hey or something. And she was like hi. And walked right in. I just said to myself like, who the fuck is that? This chick's running a Harley. That's like badass, you know? I had a friend working in the kitchen too. I remember asking, I was like, yo, who's that girl? That's Ellen. She goes by Elle. She works like once a month tens bar on a Friday night and makes like more money than we make in a week.

[Ellen]

A few weeks went by and Jake continued working in the kitchen. Seeing Ellen every few weeks, I just.

[Jake]

Remember feeling like she was spending more time in the kitchen than she needed to. And towards the end of the night she was on there and I was like, hey. I'm like we should hang out sometime. And she was like yeah. And I'm like can I get your number? And she was like yeah.

[Ellen]

They exchanged numbers and a few weeks later, Jake made another move and he texted Ellen.

[Jake]

Hey, this is Jake, you doing anything tonight? And she was like, yeah, I got plans. But like definitely want to hang out real soon.

[Ellen]

Another week went by and this time Ellen reached out, inviting Jake to a show with her in Boston.

[Jake]

And I remember jokingly said, are you gonna pick me up on your motorcycle? She was like, haha, no, I'll pick you up in a car. I remember feeling like I gotta get some heroin in my system so I don't feel dope sick, but I don't want to do it around her. I got High, obviously, before. And then I walked out of the hotel to wait to get picked up.

[Ellen]

At this point, Jake was living in another extended stay hotel after leaving the apartment that he'd previously shared with his brother Max post their big blowout fight.

[Jake]

I'm taken aback because there's like a guy driving and she's in the passenger seat and gets out of the car. Am I the third wheel here? Is this her boyfriend? I have no idea, right? I just remember her cranking her neck. We're talking a lot, and the guy is not. You know, I'm like a friendly dude. So I'm trying to include him in the convo too. Like, what do you. And, you know, I can feel energy and I can just tell Stu's, like, not happy that I'm in the back of his car. I just remember him talking a lot about selling drugs. What a big drug dealer. He was. Like, it was a sought after occupation. Like, it was so cool. And in my head I'm thinking, what dude who's really in the game just advertises this shit? What is he talking about?

[Ellen]

They get to the show and it's an EDM concert at a club in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

[Jake]

I buy her a drink or whatever, and he goes to some other friends finally. And she's like, this dude keeps following me around like puppy dog. And I'm like, oh, you don't like that? Who is he? She was like, just like a friend. He's been wanting to date me for a while, but it's like, not gonna happen. And she goes, okay, just, like, one thing I gotta ask you before we, you know, get going here. Do you do, like, opiates? Do you do heroin? And I'm kind of like, whoa. Like, what a question. I answered probably within three seconds, but it was like time kind of slowed down. I thought to myself, I'm like, well, you got two options here. Because I really did like her without even knowing her, I was attracted to her. I was like, you got two options here. You can be a total piece of shit and lie, or you can tell her the truth and, like, probably eliminate your chances. I was actively trying to get my shit together. So it's kind of like the lie sounded okay. And yeah, I lied. I was kind of like, well, like, I've done it, but I don't, like, do it. She goes, oh, good. Because I like, I like you. What a fucking dick I am. I just, like, totally lied to this chick. She went into telling me about all the people she knows that have OD'd on these opiates particularly. She wasn't like against drugs. She did drugs. Like we took ecstasy shortly after this conversation. But the opiates, yeah, she was against that.

[Ellen]

Later that evening, Jake recalls that Ellen asked him to go outside for a smoke. She didn't smoke, but it was an opportunity for the two of them to be alone.

[Jake]

And that's when I made the move. I was like, you want to just like get out of here?

[Ellen]

Only problem, this was pre rideshare days and the guy who drove them here was certainly not going to be cool with dropping the two of them off together.

[Jake]

This is where being a drug dealer comes in cool. Like I remember I had my phone on silent and I was getting blown up. I probably had like 400 texts of people being like, yo, I need, can you meet where you at? I need, I need, I need, but I'm on a date, you know, not answering that rent anyway, taking my phone real quick. I'm like most reliable per, like who do I like the most on this list? Dude, like sent me like 20 texts and I was like, dude, I got whatever you want. But here's the trick. You can't say anything about it. And you gotta pick me and this girl up in Boston and drive us wherever we gotta go. He's like, on it dude, see you in 30 minutes. Some like sick Annie had like a sick sports car kind of pimp, you know.

[Ellen]

I asked Jake at this point if he'd been carrying drugs on him at this time, how was he going to do this deal and did he regularly cart this stuff around?

[Jake]

Yeah, not bagged up, but I had like probably a 10 gram package for $1,000 value or something. Were both rolling facing back of this car, like looking at the lights and I just remember us like making out in the back and touching feely get out of the car. She goes to get something in her car. That's when I quickly, I was like, yo, you got like piece of paper, a dollar bill or something? And I just poured a shitload of powder out and I was like, here, take it, get out of here. And yeah, I probably gave him like $700 worth or something for that ride, you know, I didn't care though.

[Ellen]

They get a ride back to Jake's car, which was parked at the restaurant where they both worked. Ellen then returned from her car and Jake remembers her asking if he would be interested in walking her back to her house.

[Jake]

And it was like a five or six mile walk, but it was like it was the best walk ever. And we talked for like two hours about kind of everything.

[Ellen]

The two get back to her house, which was her parents house, and Jake recalls that Ellen then invited him into her room and despite getting all the signals to move forward, Jake took it really slow that night. He did not make any more moves.

[Jake]

I didn't want to fuck it up with her because I liked her so much. I wanted to like have a relationship with her.

[Ellen]

The next morning Ellen woke in a panic. She was late for work so she had to leave and take off. Jake, without his car and with a dead phone, assured her he would be okay, she could leave and he walked around lost for about eight miles before finally getting to a place where he could charge his phone. And then he hit up another client offering drugs in exchange for a ride.

[Jake]

Foreign.

[Michael Margay]

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[Corinne Vien]

Hello everyone, it's me, tommyinnit and Jack Manifold and we are here on the Shut Up I'm Talking podcast to let you know we just had the legendary Dan and Bill on our podcast YouTube OG's legendary status and they Gave us so much advice and gave us so many interesting stories. Bloody brilliant, wasn't it?

[Ellen]

It was incredible.

[Corinne Vien]

So come check it out over on Shut Up. I'm talking on all major streaming services. Not stream audio, not like Netflix. Yeah, no, we're not quite there yet.

[Ellen]

Maybe soon, but not now.

[Corinne Vien]

Well, no, probably not for all right.

[Jake]

That day when she got off work, she texted me. And from that day on, we never spent a day apart. Actually, there was this bar in the same plaza of Horseshoe Pup. And it was a dive, not a place I would typically go, but she liked it there. It had pool tables. And one thing I learned quickly, she was really good at pool. She told me, I play people in pool for drinks. We won't pay for a single drink all night. And she would hustle these people so good for money, too. She was like, really cool. Drives a Harley cigar pool. She likes that. Fun.

[Ellen]

This is giving Hallmark movie written by a man.

[Jake]

She told me that she owned a house and had just sold it to buy an RV because she was about to tour the country in the rv. That's fucking awesome. And I remember being like, man, that'd be so good for me to, like, get out of here and get away from all these drugs. I mean, that's kind of a selfish thought. I also love this girl, but how crazy would that be if I got myself actually clean? And over this first two weeks, I drastically cut down on my dope use. I found myself so just happy, I guess, with her, that the early onset of dope sickness was being very much put off. I was so into it that I'd be like, wow, I haven't thought about dope in 10 hours and I feel fine. And my drug dealing kind of took a hit, which I wasn't mad about. I felt it financially, but I didn't care.

[Ellen]

Isn't this the plot to so many romance movies? Troubled man and lonely woman meet. Man changes for the better because of his love for the woman. And yeah, it's a little cliche, but obviously the movie characters, they need to encounter some obstacles along the way, right? And in Jake and Ellen's case, there was a decent obstacle right off the bat. Something that, when uncovered, would be the climax in this film.

[Jake]

Relationship definitely started on a lie. And if we're being totally honest, I mean, she portrayed herself as, like, having it going on. Like, owned a house on her own, multiple jobs, this rv, very financially independent. I just felt like, what the fuck do I really have going on?

[Ellen]

Ellen asked Jake why he was living at the hotel he explained his brother's struggle with mental illness. And Jake had spent some time at his dad's house too. And Ellen asked him whose house that was.

[Jake]

I was like, oh, it's mine. Threw to that lie out there.

[Ellen]

I mean, hey, what's another lie, right? Interesting plot point. Building tension. When will we see the female character discover her love interest? Lies. Oh, wait, this is not a movie. This is Jake's actual life. So why did he lie?

[Jake]

You know, trying to portray that I was on her level, I suppose, when in reality, my life was, like, on a downward slope and less year.

[Ellen]

And Jake continued to work on his image, showing Ellen the good in him, while trying to secretly work on fixing all of the things he knew were bad.

[Jake]

I feel like Jake was kind of looking for some, like, legitimacy. Like, her parents had a nice home on the lake and all this stuff. I think he wanted to show her that he had some stability. So he wanted her to meet me and my wife and. And we did. I remember he kind of re engaged, I think, at that point. Not that we'd been completely cut off, but he became a little more. For a month or two, became more family oriented. She seemed very polite. She wasn't afraid of, like, oh, here's my fiance's parents. Are they gonna like me? I mean, she was just herself, you know? I remember the phone call. He. He called me and he said, I met someone. Her name is Elle. He just sounded so happy on this call. I hadn't heard him sound so happy in a really long time. And I said, wow, how do you feel about her? He said, I'm crazy about her. And that's when they. The relationship started with El. I remember she was so pretty and super upbeat. Such a great impression, you know, she just seemed so together.

[Ellen]

Otherwise.

[Corinne Vien]

We were kind of wondering, you know.

[Jake]

What'S this woman doing with Jake? It's not that Jake didn't have great potential, but, you know, that potential seemed.

[Corinne Vien]

To be forgotten and left behind. And yet here's this amazing, beautiful woman with great energy.

[Jake]

I. I never took friends. It just seemed to be a disconnect. And yet he's a stoner.

[Ellen]

So Jake wasn't the only one wondering why Ellen was with him. But the full picture started to unfold a bit more as the two continued to see each other.

[Jake]

Come to find out, her parents bought her this house. Yeah, her name was on it. She owned, like, a small amount of equity in it. Whatever. It doesn't matter. There were lies on both sides, I guess. So this RV thing gets. I'M like, so what's the plan here? I've always wanted to visit all these states. And I bought this RV and I saw it was called the Queen Victoria. It was from like 1970. It needed work. And she also had a part time job at a motorcycle shop, which I also thought was sick. And this RV was parked there and the guy who owned the shop was doing work to it. I'm like, what's the plan? And she's like, well, I'm gonna drive from here down south. She had like, playlists for every state. Go through Alabama and swing through the tip of Florida, head more southwest through Texas, and I'm going to end in Seattle. And I'm like, why Seattle? This was another thing she kept for me until this point. She was like, well, there's this guy out there and he's like a dj. And we'd been together off and on for years. He has substance abuse issues and can be like, kind of a dick. I'm trying to remember what she said exactly, but that was the gist. And she's like, and I'm gonna end there and, like, stay out there for a while. Maybe I'll get back with him or maybe I'll come home. I don't know. I don't know exactly what I said out loud. Maybe nothing yet.

[Ellen]

Hearing this, my own heart dropped a bit. It reminded me of some of those past potential relationships that I thought were progressing only to find out that, yeah, I was B list. I was a situation ship unknowingly cast on my own version of the Bachelor. But this Seattle guy didn't really deter Jake from continuing to pursue Elle or potentially joining her for a leg of the trip.

[Jake]

I think infatuated is a word because the every moment of my day, I'm thinking about her.

[Ellen]

And Ellen was extremely thoughtful. He felt very seen, very cared for. Jake recalls a time when Ellen decided to surprise him by cleaning his car while he was at work. And Jake left me with some sound advice when setting up this part of the story. Never clean a drug dealer's car if you don't want to be disappointed.

[Jake]

I never seen him met. Fucking piece of shit liar. What is this? What is this? You think I don't know what this is? I asked you the first day we met, first day we hung out, do you do opiates? What'd you say? I'm like, fuck, yeah. I'm trying to quit. I'm so sorry. Why'd you lie? I didn't want to blow up with you. Day one. I really fucking like you and I'm really trying to get clean. And she just railed into me for a while and I was like, I deserve it, I deserve it. Thing with drugs, it's something you are never honest about ever in your use of hiding from everyone. And I was never able to be fully honest, even when she claimed she wanted. I don't know if this is true, but you know, be fully honest with me about this. I. I couldn't do it. I was partially honest about some. It came a point where I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her. What are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? And like probably 70% of the time, you know, I was sneaking hit or something. It actually started making me do more. Anyway, still looking forward to this RV trip. I was like, look, I want to go with you. We can go to Seattle, but I want to be with you. I love you. I won't be able to do drugs. I might be sick for a while, but you know, it'll work. And anyway, it was like a plan. We were going together. I gave notice to our shoe puppies. It was kind of one of those stomach dropping decisions. Like I. I felt like, oh wow, this is like real. And I gave notice. And then I started putting money into the RV and time and making fixes. I remember I mounted like 50 inch TV to our master bedroom in the RV, like it was sick. And then I got her pregnant a month away before departure. Oh shit. I always wanted to be a dad. The way she told me. There was this picture, it looks like a pencil drawing. And she holds it with tearing eyes and then turns it around and it's written I'm pregnant on it. And I thought it was really cute actually. And I was like, why are you so sad? Is this not a good thing? And she's like, well, I don't know what you want. And I'm like, well, I don't know what you want, but if you want, I want, like I love you. It's your choice. Yeah, that's how I feel. It's. Even if I really want it, it's. Searchers hugged her, kiss her. This RV trip is like, do we go? Do we not? I was like, fuck, I gotta get clean, I gotta save money, I gotta get a job. I'd always told myself, stop doing drugs when I have a kid or I hit 31 or the other. Now we never got to see if it'd live up to that. Totally. Three and a half months in, she has a miscarriage. And it fucking crushed me. Obviously her too. I went off the deep end. Things weren't perfect between me and Owen. I just remember us arguing. It was, I don't know, I was very sad. And I do what I do best in those times of depression. I go to self medicating and this whole kind of gotta be prepared to be a father went out the window immediately. And first thing I did is I went to the bar, started drinking pretty hard and started doing heroin in the bar's bathroom. Just getting fucked up. I don't think I was too responsive to her calls in this time where I pro, you know, should have been there for her. I was fully back into the heroin opiate use and drinking heavy. I stopped giving a fuck about hiding any drug use. I would smoke this shit in front of her. I didn't give a shit. That's when our relationship really got fucked up. Our relationship just got bad. Talking about breaking up bad. We haven't had fun in a long time. I'm like, let's go out. I'll get us a hotel. Let's give this one last shot. One of my favorite places, always been. My favorite place still is Liberty Hotel in Boston, ironically, right next to the neuro ICU I was in for a long time.

[Ellen]

The Liberty Hotel, what is now a lavish luxury hotel, used to be the old Charles street jail. Built in 1848, it was eventually closed in 1990 due to overcrowding, cruel and unusual punishment of the prisoners and inhumane conditions. But not before housing some notable inmates like Malcolm X and Boston's Whitey Bulger. And now it's operating as a hotel and it still plays into its history. So it has the original catwalks encircling the lobby and a bar called the Alibi with celebrity mug shots lining the walls. Oh, and it's haunted. My favorite kind of place. And also has a really great nightlife scene. So Jake's favorite kind of place.

[Jake]

We're gonna have a nice dinner. I'll get a suite. You love it there. We check in, but she's not feeling it. And in Liberty fashion, our hotel room phone rings. It's like 7 o'clock and they're like, this is automatic. Call from Lodi. There's a party in the lobby tonight from 9 to 2am Feel free to come. Complimentary first round drink. And I'm like, there's a party tonight. We should definitely hit that up. We go down there, it's filling up and it's early. It's like nine. And she's like, this is sick. Should we get that? Should we get that acid? I'm like, you want a trip? It's a little fucking wild for me right now, but if you want, I'm down. So we go to the car, we get the acid and the molly, we stop by the room, have a drink. And she takes, I think a tab, and I take a tab. And then this. She used to buy it by like the sheet or something, which is like a hundred heads. She would like shave a little bit with a razor off each tab. I don't know if it was just really strong, which it was, but she would make each hit a little small. Anyway, the bottom of this bag have all of these shavings. She's like, you want any shavings? And I'm like, no. And I turn around and she's got this wad. She like dumped all these shavings in her mouth. And I'm like, oh my God, you just took like five hits. You're gonna be tripping out of your mind. And she's like, is it a lot? And I'm like, it's. You're okay though. It's. It's cool. I'm like, deep down, I'm like, oh, fuck. You know? And we go back down the lobby party. And I mean, the walls start moving. It's really decorative in there. And we're just bouncing around room to room and Liberty just tripping out and down. In Alibi, they have a private DJ and we head in the back, we have this private table and we're just rolling and tripping and touching each other's hair and like, we're in our own world. I duck off to the bathroom at one point and take a few hits of dope and they hit me super hard because I was tripping so hard.

[Michael Margay]

At Ritual, we know what goes into the holiday season. The potluck planning, the gift giving, the spreadsheets. So this new year, take a moment for yourself with science backed support that puts you first. So whether you're focusing on supporting foundational health with a clean vegan multivitamin or supporting your gut health with symbiotic plus, do it with 30% off your first [e-mail] podcast. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

[Corinne Vien]

Hello everyone, it's me, tommyinnit and Jack Manifold and we are here on the Shut Up I'm Talking podcast to let you know we just had the legendary Dan and Bill on our podcast, YouTube OG's legendary status. And they gave us so much advice and gave us so many interesting stories. Bloody brilliant, wasn't it?

[Ellen]

It was incredible.

[Corinne Vien]

So come check it out over on. Shut up. I'm talking on all major streaming services. Not audio, not like Netflix. Yeah, no, we're not quite there yet. Maybe soon.

[Ellen]

But not now.

[Corinne Vien]

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[Jake]

We just have this really fantastic night. We go back to the room and we have this like wild, passionate sex. I mean real intense, like love making sex, right? She's just like, oh, I think I'm pregnant. And I'm like, really? You can tell? And she's like, yeah, I think you just got me pregnant. I'm just thinking in my head, is that even a thing? I don't know how many weeks later she was pregnant and they told her how far along she was. She looked in the calendar and she's like, I think it was that night I said I got pregnant and. And we're pregnant again. Gotta clean up my act for real. Gotta stack dough and now I gotta get a job. She just has a talk with me one day and she's like, I envisioned me being married before I had a baby. I'm like, let's get married. She's like, yeah, but like, I don't want to be showing in my wedding dress. I'm like, let's get married soon. And she's like, yeah, but I want a big wedding and let's have a big wedding. Let's do it. New Year's Eve, it was like two months away. Boom. We're getting married all of a sudden. It's like, all happening so fast. We're planning a New Year's Eve winter wonderland wedding at a private golf club. It's all happening so fast. Long story short, she has a second miscarriage, like, two, three weeks before the wedding. And, man, the wedding cake was going to double as a gender reveal. History repeats itself. I'm abusing trucks again. It's like, do we. Do we cancel the wedding? And, like, you know, she's miserable. I'm pretty miserable. And, yeah, we got married. It was a really good wedding. That was the only day I did not do opiates. I didn't even drink that much. I think I had, like, one champagne.

[Ellen]

Toast as a wedding gift. Jake's Uncle Michael gave them a week's stay at his rental property in Cape Cod, a beautiful Chatham beach house with its own private beach.

[Jake]

And we went down there, and that's when my new wife was like, I want. I want to know what this heroin's all about. I want to know why you're so addicted. I want something. And I'm like, no. It is so addicting. Because it's so fucking addicting. And the last thing I'm going to do is subject someone who doesn't have an addiction to this. Like, I'm not doing it. And she was like, you're such a hypocrite asshole. How are you going to tell me? I can't. That's unfair. I want to understand why you're so wrapped up in this. I want to do it. And I'm like, no, I'm not giving it to you. And she's like, fine, I'll go get it myself. And I'm like, no, don't fucking do it. It sucks. I wish I never did this shit. It is so addicting. I really wanted to not allow this, but I just. Remember I threw the bag on the table and I was like, fine, do it. I'm out of here. And I went to a different room in the house, and she did it the entire week. It was like day four or something. She woke up and felt dope sick. Really dope sick. She woke me up crying, and she was like, I'm shaking. This stuff is so bad. I fucking hate you. I want to leave. I want to get out of here. I fucking hate you. Horrible. I mean, I'm like, the worst. The worst thing with that drug is introducing someone to it. I mean, even as someone who sold it. I mean, I never sold someone who wasn't addicted for Financial gain. There's this cinematic picture in my head. There's always that depiction of that scumbag dude who probably at one point was a decent person, probably still is. But these drugs cloud you. And that was my first experience feeling like I'm that dude now that has introduced someone to the most addicting substance on planet Planet Earth. And it happens to be my new wife. I felt so small, so horrible. I almost wanted to tell her mom. I was worried that she would continue, honestly. And once you're addicted, you're addicted. I mean, there's no one in the world that could stop you. She would be out there going to Worcester by herself and then I'd be in a position where I don't want her to get a hot dose.

[Ellen]

I didn't know what a hot dose was. And Jake said it's when it's laced with fentanyl.

[Jake]

That's the shit you OD from.

[Ellen]

Jake also expressed his concerns about all the things that could happen to her when seeking out this drug. She could be robbed, she could be propositioned for sex, she could be seriously harmed. Heroin was very dangerous. Yes, but obtaining heroin could also be very dangerous.

[Jake]

And maybe I was wrong, but I always felt like I had a good head and my shoulders even wrapped up in this. I never wanted to really hurt anyone like that. I knew what was too far. I think this roots from my depression and the way I kind of like not the way I was brought up, but the way I kind of dealt with things on my own and grew up handling my grief. I just was like, what I'm doing is hurting me and like only me. And I'm okay with that. You can definitely say, and I'll take it, you know, you were a drug dealer. You contributed to this huge problem, which I definitely did. But I have to say some of the most hardcore people I new people that I would say, woo. I don't. I'm not sure if they'll ever get cleaned, honestly. I'm one of these people that I know I said when I have a kid but after two miscarriages I wasn't sure if I'd ever get clean. But a lot of these people that I would be like who they're never gonna get, you know those they did. So yeah, it's rare though. I was very worried for my, my wife at this time. Luckily she just didn't do it again and hated me even more.

[Ellen]

Drugs are tricky. It's an ugly world and for many it involves moments of complete desperation and humiliation when someone drags you into something like that, it doesn't just leave a mark, it breaks something inside of you. You can feel completely trapped, completely hopeless. And when the perfect situation presents itself, the things you'll do to escape that feeling, well, it can become unimaginable in that place where morality blurs and fear controls every move. The line between protecting yourself and destroying someone else can vanish. And what then is left of the person you once were? There may not be redemption for the people in this story. No triumphant escape, just a haunting truth that when we're dragged into darkness, sometimes we become the very monsters we're running from. And maybe in the end, that is where the real danger lies.

[Jake]

Sa Foreign.

[Ellen]

Thank you for listening to Blank. This podcast is hosted and produced by me, Corinne Vien alongside my co creator and survivor Jake Handle. Our original music is composed by the brilliant and talented Michael Margay. We're so grateful for your support. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider rating, reviewing and sharing this story with others. For additional resources, updates and behind the scenes content, visit our website. Blank the Podcast Com Blink will return with a new episode next Sunday.

[Corinne Vien]

Hello everyone, it's me, tommyinnit and Jack Manifold and we are here on the Shut Up I'm Talking podcast to let you know we just had the legendary Dan and Bill on our podcast. YouTube OG's legendary status. And they gave us so much advice and gave us so many interesting stories. Bloody brilliant, wasn't it?

[Ellen]

It was incredible.

[Corinne Vien]

So come check it out over on Shut Up. I'm talking on all major streaming services. Not audio, not like Netflix. Yeah, no, we're not quite there yet. Maybe soon, but not now. No, probably not for all right.