5: Making Peace with Death

Summary

Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
Episode 5: Making Peace with Death
Release Date: March 2, 2025

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Overview

In Episode 5 of Blink, titled "Making Peace with Death," hosts Corinne Vien and Jacob Haendel delve deep into the harrowing journey of Jacob Haendel as he confronts a terminal progressive disease. Diagnosed with a condition eroding the white matter of his brain, Jacob is given six months to live. As he grapples with his mortality, Jacob's story unfolds, revealing complex family dynamics, personal struggles, and profound moments of introspection.

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Family Dynamics and Struggles

Ellen’s Struggle with Addiction

Ellen, Jacob’s wife, plays a pivotal role in this episode. Despite her efforts to care for Jacob, she battles her own heroin addiction, creating a tumultuous environment.

• Jake Handel: "So there were a couple times that Ellen text me asking me for heroin. And I always thought, I like, thought it was the weirdest thing because I never thought that she was into it. She hated so much that Jake did it. It was like very well known that she did not approve of that. I remember one time she texted me, she was like, I'm sick, like, I really need something. Could you help me out? I don't even know if I."
  [04:38]

Corinne Vien highlights the irony and pain of Ellen’s situation:

“So here was Jake's wife, potentially struggling to overcome her own addiction with this unimaginable stress looming over her and the determination to save her doomed and dying husband.”

Stepparent Tensions

Jacob’s stepfather, Daron, adds another layer of conflict. Daron’s own struggles with back pain and subsequent heroin use exacerbate the tension at home.

• Jake Handel: “You are the biggest bitch I've ever encountered. You have no filter and no respect for anyone.”
  [08:02]

Ellen’s relentless control over Jacob’s care leads to estrangement from extended family members. Varda, Jake’s aunt, recounts heated text exchanges that reflect the growing rift:

• Ellen (Text): “You've been nothing but helpful throughout this process, and unlike many, you are one of the few that have stuck around the whole time. That's why I'm such a stickler about giving out information. I don't want information getting into the hands of people who don't deserve it.”
  [06:58]

Legal Battles and Isolation

Daron’s altercation with Ellen culminates in legal action and physical violence. The confrontation results in Daron’s arrest and further isolation of the family.

• Daron: “I run back downstairs and then I took a deep breath and let it out slowly... I may have blacked out for a second, but I had all this blood in my eyes and I called 911.”
  [11:03]

Jake reflects on the resulting isolation:

“Ellen was in control of everything. It was so weird to me that it's like someone who is in the situation that Jake's in... having family around is one of the best things you can do. Having familiar people talk to them and hold their hand. It was so weird to me that she wouldn't want to have anything familiar for him. That is a cruel thing to do to somebody.”

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Hospice Care and Near-Death Experience

Transition to Hospice

As Jacob’s condition worsens, he transitions to hospice care. Mike, a relatively inexperienced hospice nurse, becomes integral to Jacob’s final months.

• Jake Handel: “...he was incontinent. So he had a condom catheter for urine and he wore Depends. He couldn't eat on his own at the time. That was all through the G tube, fed with formula from just from being in bed all that time...”
  [18:56]

Ellen’s Determination and Medical Challenges

Ellen’s determination to "cure" Jacob often conflicts with hospice protocols, leading to friction with medical staff.

• Jake Handel: “She would do all his medications and there were quite a few of them. Certainly drove me crazy some days with some of the things she wanted to try or do that just weren't really aligning with hospice philosophy.”
  [19:55]

Jacob's Near-Death Experience

A pivotal moment occurs during a particularly intense episode where Jacob nearly passes away. He describes his sensations vividly:

• Ellen: “...I think this must be death... I have enough time to start thinking about my mom on hospice. And I know she was in pain. And it gave me comfort to know... I felt like I knew that maybe her pain was non existent at the end.”
  [25:00]

Jacob recounts the experience:

“...It was like losing more and more and more. And now I'm just seeing lit and then like lights out. And I had enough time to say, I just sighed and I was asleep. And then I woke up and I was in horrible pain. And I said, oh, fuck. Still here, still here.”

This moment encapsulates Jacob’s internal struggle with death and his subsequent return to suffering.

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Final Days and Continued Isolation

Hospice Care Termination

Despite his survival beyond the expected timeline, Jacob's hospice care is terminated, leading to his confinement at home with diminishing support.

• Jake Handel: “The plan was to have him go back to the emergency room, but didn't quite happen that way.”
  [33:18]

Jake illustrates his helplessness during this period:

“...his wife now being his sole means of survival.”

Final Confrontations and Solitude

An attempted visit by Jacob’s stepfather ends violently, reinforcing the isolation imposed by Ellen’s control.

• Jake Handel: “...if that had been anybody but, you know, basically your stepfather... she'd pull him off me and I hobbled out of the house.”
  [18:05]

Corinne Vien reflects on the emotional toll:

“I can't imagine the anxiety his family must have felt. The immense weight of being completely unable to help him recover physically and then also having to navigate this very complicated relationship...”

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Concluding Reflections

As Jacob approaches the end of his life, the episode underscores the profound isolation and emotional turmoil he endures. Despite the presence of a hospice nurse who provides compassionate care, the fractured family dynamics and Ellen’s domineering presence create an environment of despair and loneliness.

Jacob’s poignant journey in "Making Peace with Death" serves as a powerful exploration of human resilience, the complexities of caregiving, and the painful realities of facing mortality amidst familial conflict.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Jake Handel: “I participate in restaurants for a limited time.”
  [00:13] (Note: This is part of an advertisement and was excluded from the summary.)

• Jake Handel: “You are the biggest bitch I've ever encountered. You have no filter and no respect for anyone.”
  [08:02]

• Ellen (Text): “You've been nothing but helpful throughout this process...”
  [06:58]

• Jake Handel: “...if that had been anybody but, you know, basically your stepfather...”
  [18:05]

• Jacob Haendel: “Still here, still here.”
  [31:32]

(Quotes not directly contributing to the narrative, especially from advertisements, have been omitted.)

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Final Thoughts

Episode 5 intricately weaves Jacob Haendel’s painful reality with the complexities of familial relationships under strain. Blink continues to shed light on underrepresented personal stories, offering listeners a profound look into the human condition when faced with the inevitability of death.

For more insights and updates, visit blinkthepodcast.com.

Transcript

[Jake Handel]

Get the Angel REEF special at McDonald's. Now, let's break it down.

[Corinne Vien]

My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and the drinks. Sound good.

[Jake Handel]

I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

[Corinne Vien]

Blink is intended for mature audiences as it discusses topics that can be upsetting, such as drug use, sexual assault, and emotional and physical violence. Content warnings for each episode are included in the Show Notes. Resources for drug addiction and domestic abuse can be found in the Show Notes and on our website, blinkthepodcast.com the testimonies and opinions expressed by guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or affiliates of this podcast. Any individuals mentioned in the episode are presumed innocent until proven guilty in the court of law unless explicitly stated otherwise. What drew me to Jake's story wasn't just the twists and turns. It was the way it challenges how we see people who are too often written off. Jake has this rare magnetism, even as he lays bare his darkest moments. Betrayal, violence, the ghosts of his past. There's no bitterness. It's just raw honesty. Somehow he finds understanding for himself, for those who hurt him, for the pain that shaped them all. On paper, Jake is a lot of things. Addict, dealer, victim, survivor. But he's never been just a label. And when he tells his story, you see him for who he truly is. For anyone who has ever doubted their worth, let Jake's story be proof you are more than what the world calls you. And for those who have met Jake, who have heard his story, one thing is they'll never forget Jake was the one who introduced Ellen to heroin. It's an uncomfortable truth, one that he carries with deep regret. Heroin is horribly addicting, and even those who manage to break free live with this constant pull. There's always that lingering temptation. And in the moments of immense stress, when the world feels unbearable and you feel like you're barely surviving, the need for escape can become overpowering. Back when Jake was first diagnosed, his stepdad Eli, and his wife Ina were trying to go visit him in the hospital.

[Eli]

We want to stop by the hospital. We actually drove halfway to Worcester and then she called, says the doctor, said, you can't come. So we went home. So then on the fourth day out, she said, you can come. And we came. So, I mean, Elle was controlling everything. That's the story from there on out, you know, so we went and we came to his room and he was in the room and she was like a nurse Even though she wasn't a nurse, but she was taking care of everything, making the bed, she was like non stop activity. And we're talking for like an hour and then at some point she says, yeah, I was so stressed out, I went home last night and you know, I shot up some heroin just to relax. And so Ayna and I looked at each other and we're like, why don't we, let's, you know, let us take you home. We didn't want her to drive alone. I said, you, you can't be doing this stuff. So she actually went in and got the needle and the whatever and brought it out. And I drove around Worcester looking for a dumpster and I threw it. I'm like, shit, now I'll get stopped by the cops. So I've got this heroin needle in my car, you know, and so, you know, we threw, threw it away. And then we followed her to her parents house and we waited till her parents came home. That was honest, you know, like, and so she really should be here and not home alone doing all that.

[Corinne Vien]

Adrian, Jake's ex and dealer, also had a few heroin related encounters with Ellen.

[Jake Handel]

So there were a couple times that Ellen text me asking me for heroin. And I always thought, I like, thought it was the weirdest thing because I never thought that she was into it. She hated so much that Jake did it. It was like very well known that she did not approve of that. I remember one time she texted me, she was like, I'm sick, like, I really need something. Could you help me out? I don't even know if I. I answered her, to be honest.

[Corinne Vien]

So here was Jake's wife, potentially struggling to overcome her own addiction with this unimaginable stress looming over her and the determination to save her doomed and dying husband. Oh, and she had also been living with Jake's dad, Daron, at this point because Dorone had let them move in and was counting their rent payments as payments towards eventually buying the home from him. Doron was also using. He had crippling back pain and a move to Texas and a new doctor resulted in very little access to the pain medication he'd once been prescribed. One thing led to another and suddenly Dorone was using heroin. But Jerome told me that the day of Jake's diagnosis, he quit cold turkey. But I do think that this helps add some context as to what is happening at home. Ellen is trying to care for Jake and tension was building between her and Darone, leading to what sounded like an attempted murder and the arrest of Jake's father, Daron. But Dorone wasn't the only one who was pushed out. When Jake was in the hospital, there was a list of approved visitors for those not on the approved list, like Adrian and a few of Jake's family members. They were able to sneak in using different names and identities. But when Jake was moved to hospice, that was the end of that. Jake's aunt Varda reads me a string of texts between her and Ellen. Varda had maintained contact when Jake had moved into hospice, but that didn't last long. You'll see why when you hear the exchange over a few texts.

[Jake Handel]

Jerome can do or say whatever he wants. I'm not afraid of him. He's so incredibly weak. I could take him. Lol. I can't live with Dorone. I don't know what we are going to do. I wish Dorone would just die. It's hard to make peace with someone you don't like. So she made it very clear that, yeah, Dorone was the enemy.

[Corinne Vien]

And as a reminder, Dorone is Varda's brother. Varda shows me another text. It came in just a minute later. Ellen writes, you've been nothing but helpful throughout this process, and unlike many, you are one of the few that have stuck around the whole time. That's why I'm such a stickler about giving out information. I don't want information getting into the hands of people who don't deserve it. Soon after this exchange, another relative of Jake's traveled in from out of town to help them, but she was sick with the cold. Varda received a text from Ellen, who was upset about this relative exposing Jake to germs. The exchange became heated very quickly.

[Jake Handel]

Ellen typed, she shouldn't be traveling if she is sick. That is extremely selfish. Just go be a bitch to someone else. Your family is so fucked up. And that's when I totally lost it with her. And that's when my communications with her ended. I said, you are the biggest bitch I've ever encountered. You have no filter and no respect for anyone.

[Corinne Vien]

Today I finally let my filter go.

[Jake Handel]

As you got my blood boiling. It's quite clear that you have a borderline personality disorder. Go get some help. Let's go back to not talking anymore. I'm done. And she wrote back, I'm only a bitch to people like you that are incompetent and delusional. Your family are the most up fucked up people I've ever met. It's no wonder I'm a bitch to you people. You should honestly expect it by now, you ignorant, arrogant bitch. And that was the last time I had any communication with her. Well, you certainly left it on a high note.

[Corinne Vien]

Jake's uncle Adam chimes in.

[Jake Handel]

We figured at some point he was going to die and that we'd find out about it expost facto, weeks, months later because there was just zero communication. It was, it was a black hole. It was so crazy cuz she didn't let anybody near him. Nobody knew what was going on. Ellen cut every single person out of his life. She was in control of everything. It was so weird to me because it's like someone who is in the situation that Jake's in, like they're so sick, they're on and off life supporting measures, they're in and out of consciousness and like having family around is one of the best things you can do. Having familiar people talk to them and hold their hand. It was so weird to me that she wouldn't want to have anything familiar for him. That is a cruel thing to do to somebody. And there are people that wanted to see him and wanted to know where he was and she just. Nope, nothing.

[Eli]

By this point she had cut off everybody except me. Nobody could visit. Everybody on Jake's side of the family was cut off. And because she had health proxy, she could make all those decisions. I just refused to get into a fight with her. I knew there was if I wanted to see Jake, I knew I had to stay on her good side. So I still had contact and I hadn't seen him for a while. Even though she was texting me, she wasn't really letting me visit. So I just want to be very clear. I mean, if she hadn't cared for him with the intensity and determination and focus for all that time, he would have died. I mean, I just absolutely believe that because I. It's almost like I want to believe that. Like she was calling, calling him out, you know, Jake, don't die. So she became obsessed with his care and it saved his life, I'm convinced.

[Corinne Vien]

While Eli was trying to get approval to visit Jake, Daron was entering a legal battle with Ellen over their fight. I asked Jerome what happened that day and his story was just as Jake told it. The two get into a screaming match over Daron being late for his shift to care for Jake and give Ellen some much needed reprieve.

[Daron]

I just lost it and I started screaming and burbling and I ran back downstairs and I ran upstairs, screamed at her some more, she screamed back at me. I ran back downstairs and then I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. And I said, okay, for Jacob's sake, I'm gonna make this go away. So I calmed down. I was gonna go upstairs. She meets me at the top of the steps, and so I'm like two steps below, and I went to put my hand on her shoulders, and she yells out, you're strangling me. And then I was about to laugh and then hits me in the head with a soda bottle. And I lose my balance and I do a backflip down the stairs. Anyway, I wound up, like, needing seven staples in my head. I broke my wrist. I was concussed. I may have blacked out for a second, but I had all this blood in my eyes and I called 911. The ambulance stopped a block up from my house, and I'm yelling at them, hey, I'm over here. They go, we know, come get me. They go, no, we have to wait for the police. So I went kind of crawled up the street and they started cleaning me up and took me to the hospital. I get slapped in handcuffs and get treated, and I finally get booked to the jail Tuesday morning. I get to go to court, and, you know, I'm one of the last cases. I'm in front of the judge. I'm coated with blood. She stood up and she said, I'm deathly afraid of him. He's gonna kill me. That's all she had to say. And then, boom. Judge grants her restraining order against me. So I'm kind of like, shell shocked. And I wound up hiring the best criminal lawyer in Worcester.

[Jake Handel]

We've all seen that blue wheelchair icon on storefront entrances, but we found it doesn't tell you much. Disabilities can vary dramatically from person to person, and details about specific accessibility features that make a space truly work for you are hard to come by. We built the Ahoy app to meet everyone's needs, whatever they may be. Founded by Blink's very own Jake Handel, Ahoy is your one stop shop for finding accessible locations. Ahoy matches your specific needs with our database of thousands of locations, helping you find places that will actually work for you. You can find photos and comments from other users for restaurants, transportation centers, even the doctor's office. From the entryway to the restroom and everything in between, Ahoy has you covered on all your accessibility needs. So if you have a disability or just want to help make the world a more accessible place, download the Ahoy app today. That's Ahoy a h o I learn more on our website ahoymate.com that's ahoymate.com.

[Corinne Vien]

Geico's motorcycle expertise gives me the coverage I need like 24. Seven claims, I'm on cloud nine.

[Jake Handel]

Clouds are wholly unable to support the weight of an adult human.

[Corinne Vien]

What's happening?

[Jake Handel]

Furthermore, clouds are not numbered. Even if you procured a jetpack and searched, you'd find no cloud numbered nine. However, at that altitude, you'd likely befriend a flock of migrating snow geese, geese who'd encourage you to leave your 24.7geico motorcycle claims insurance behind, as they would take you in and even share their dinner of crickets and clovers with you. GEICO assumes no liability for any indigestion that may occur from a clover cricket dinner. Geico expertise for your motorcycle did you.

[Corinne Vien]

Know that the world's most shoplifted food is cheese?

[Jake Handel]

Or that in the 1960s, NASA astronauts smuggled a corned beef sandwich sandwich into space? Or that Serbia is home to the World Testicle Cooking Championships? QI is launching a brand new podcast. It's called Lunchbox Envy and it's all about food. Join QI's foodie elves. That's me, Manu, and me, Jack, along.

[Corinne Vien]

With me, chef and food writer Rosie.

[Jake Handel]

McKean, as we trade snacks and swap facts. If you're a fan of QI or no such thing as a fish or just plain hungry, subscribe now wherever you get your podcasts.

[Corinne Vien]

This was just the arraignment Doron gets a police escort to the house so that he can retrieve his medication, which he's now been a few days without. He only has 10 minutes to collect his things. He grabs some clothes, his toothbrush and his checkbook. He has to leave his home, his dying son, and his beloved dog Brownie behind. I gained access to the court documents. Durone's attorney filed an eviction summons against Ellen, terminating her tenancy and demanding that she vacate the home within 30 days. Ellen filed a counterclaim with a request for $20,000 in damages. She writes, quote, I am being evicted even though I am the caretaker of his son. He has shut off the utilities and Internet despite being ordered not to do so by the district court. He is evicting me because I obtained a restraining order and criminal charges after he assaulted me. Plenty of legal back and forth. Daron pushing hard to have access to Jake, and eventually they come to an agreement. The charges are dropped. While Daron was still cut out, Eli was keeping the rest of the family in the loop.

[Eli]

I had regular phone calls with Varda and Ricky, like the three of us would get on the Phone a couple of times a week.

[Corinne Vien]

Ricky is Jake's maternal great aunt's daughter. He refers to her as his cousin. I tell him I'll refer to her as your cousin as well on the podcast. And he questions if that's the right move. He's a stickler for facts. So Eli Varda and Ricky, Jake's maternal great aunt's daughter, set a weekly phone date for Jake. Related updates.

[Eli]

I would tell my wife, it's just me and the girls. We would just talk and just time talk through and what did you learn and what can you say and whatever and who should approach Elle about this or who should do that.

[Corinne Vien]

I can't imagine the anxiety his family must have felt. The immense weight of being completely unable to help him recover physically and then also having to navigate this very complicated relationship, jumping through hoops just to get a glimpse or a small update. It's pretty amazing that Jake has and still has so many people who fought so hard to stay in his life. Eli finally received an invite to visit Jake. He spent four hours there and everything went really well. Two weeks later, he asked to visit again and he was allowed to go over. When he arrived, Eli let himself in and one of the dogs, a pit bull, lunged at him.

[Eli]

He attacked me and took a good chunk out of my leg. Luckily, she was right there and she pulled him off me and I hobbled out of the house. I said, wow, if that had been anybody but, you know, basically your stepfather, you know, they just called the police and they'd take your dogs away or whatever. So she got mad at me and so then she cut me off.

[Ellen]

I'm totally isolated. There's no people. There was a visiting hospice nurse and he comes and does one of his checks.

[Corinne Vien]

The hospice nurse, Mike was put on Jake's case in February of 2018. He was new to the role. He had cared for a dying relative in the past, which inspired him to pursue this career. But Jake was his very first official case. Here's Mike.

[Jake Handel]

Quite honestly, it was a pretty inappropriate case for a fairly new hospice nurse to have. Definitely my most difficult. So I met Jake. He was. He was in rough shape. He was in my care for several months. There was a lot going on, tension between family members. It was better that I had eyes on the situation as much as I could. This was a complicated case, but it was not expected to be a long admission. He was not expected to be on service is very long. I completely agreed with the prognosis from the hospital that be a few weeks super Sad. You know, 29 year old kid is clearly dying. He's gonna, he's gonna be gone soon. So while he was in the hospital, they did a lot of teaching with the family. His wife especially was, was very knowledgeable and she, she did take great care of him. Ellen was really good at determining what he needed, but, you know, it would take anyone else a long time to finally figure it out.

[Ellen]

She would always say, I could tell he's in there by his eyes. So during this time she would ask me, is this what you want? And I can do absolutely nothing. And she'd be like, yeah, that's what he wants. It was like she could like read my mind.

[Jake Handel]

She would do all his medications and there were quite a few of them. Certainly drove me crazy some days with some of the things she wanted to try or do that just weren't really aligning with hospice philosophy. Basically she wanted him to get better. I mean, who wouldn't? So she wanted him to have like therapy, which doesn't. Hospice is kind of. Your insurance will pay for hospice or they'll pay for therapy. They won't do both. There were always like new supplements she wanted to try. And she did want him to still go and see doctors and she wanted him to get better. Jake had these horrible, horrible contractions where he would scream when they happened because they were so painful. And you could just see his arms especially just locked in, fully flexed, his hands fully flexed. And this would go on for minutes. Just horrible, horrible, horrible contractions. You'd see muscle spasms in his leg where you'd see it so tight, except for that muscle. He was incontinent. So he had a condom catheter for urine and he wore Depends. He couldn't eat on his own at the time. That was all through the G tube, fed with formula from just from being in bed all that time. He would get super hot and we had a fan. We'd roll him on the side, blow the fan on his back. His nails were just chronically infected from being contracted all the time. Used to put little towels in his hands to try to prevent them from digging in. But oftentimes the contractions would go right over the towel and right into the palms of his hands where it would dig in. It was just horrible to watch, really see how this poor kid lived day to day in agonizing pain all the time. Within the first couple of months, he had a particularly bad storming episode where he actually turned a color I still have yet to see again, just making all these awful noises. And pretty much like a movie, how like a death is portrayed in a movie. That's how he looked. I remember being there at the house for a very long time that day because I kept thinking, any minute now, you know, he's just going to stop breathing. It was violent is really the word for it. Violent shaking and horrible noises and turning that awful shade of purple. There's something called modeling that you look for in the feet when someone is about to pass. It was hard to say because he was kind of all purple, which again, I've never seen that before either. That's the only time I've ever seen something like that. His vitals were all over the place. He was hyperventilating. It was really awful to see. We certainly didn't think he was going to survive the night. You know, I'm preparing the family that tonight's going to be the night. She seemed to accept that this was it.

[Ellen]

I just remember him kind of hovering over me, checking things out. And he goes, well, Ellen, I think he only has hours left. It didn't really ring the alarm for me until I got rolled or moved and my eyes glanced at my chest and it was blue. I'm like an avatar. This might be it. The hospice nurse says, if there's anyone you'd like to call to say they could buy us, now's the time. And she called her mother in law and she didn't call my family. And then the hospice nurse says, is there anything else I could get for you? She goes, I think I want a priest. I'm like Jewish. The priest showed up like it was for me, and I was read last rites. I just remember saying to myself, well, I guess I'll take all the help I can get right now. While this was happening, my hospice nurse took it upon himself to call my dad.

[Daron]

They said, you better come, he's dying. I said, I can't come. There's a restraining order against me. He says, we got that taken care of. Just come.

[Corinne Vien]

Jake heard his dad enter the house with police escorts to say goodbye to him. Jake didn't know exactly why the cops needed to accompany his father, but he assumed that it was the result of the fight on Chinese New Year.

[Daron]

They gave me only a few minutes.

[Ellen]

It was pretty tragic. The cops were kind of like rushing this. My dad's like crying and coming close to me and my wife is muttering words, nasty things like, well, he's like crying to me about your dad. Yeah, and whispering in my ear like, it's okay, it's okay. My boy, you're gonna go see your mom. It's okay. It was like very heavy and sad.

[Corinne Vien]

A heated conversation broke out between the family members in the room. Jake's dad Darone was escorted out of the house.

[Ellen]

I'm just like, guys, everyone. Like you can all be sad or like angry or like whatever, but just stop giving each other shit. As all this bickering is going on, I experienced this very strange experience. But I believe this was the closest you can come to death. In fact, I believe this. What I experienced might be death. I'm looking at the ceiling. It was like this hum of a fluorescent light started doling out the bickering. It was getting harder to hear that. And simultaneously my pain began to dissipate. I'm getting this kind of calm and the hum is getting louder and their voices are now silent. They're like on mute. And I'm no longer in pain. And I'm saying to myself, wow, this must be death. I have enough time to start thinking about my mom on hospice. And I know she was in pain. And it gave me comfort to know. I don't know, but I felt like I knew that maybe her pain was non existent at the end. I didn't want to die, but I wasn't scared of it either. I actually felt calm and at peace. You know when you're watching an old school cartoon, the picture kind of gets closed and it's like this black surrounds it. It was like that slowly. It was like losing more and more and more. And now I'm just seeing lit and then like lights out. And I had enough time to say, I just sighed and I was asleep. And then I woke up and I was in horrible pain. And I said, oh, fuck. Still here, still here.

[Corinne Vien]

Did you know that the world's most shoplifted food is cheese?

[Jake Handel]

Or that in the 1960s, NASA astronauts smuggled a corned beef sandwich into space? Or that Serbia is home to the World Testicle Cooking Championships? QI is launching a brand new podcast. It's called Lunchbox Envy, and it's all about food. Join QI's foodie elves. That's me, Manu, and me, Jack.

[Corinne Vien]

Along with me, chef and food writer.

[Jake Handel]

Rosie McKean, as we trade snacks and swap facts. If you're a fan of QI or no such thing as a fish or just plain hungry, subscribe now wherever you.

[Corinne Vien]

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[Jake Handel]

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[Ellen]

So in my brain it was. It was nothingness until I woke up and I have no idea how many hours went by.

[Corinne Vien]

Remembering this traumatic event is taking a visible toll on Jake.

[Ellen]

God, that near death experience makes me like tear a little bit, not cry.

[Corinne Vien]

But you know, it's just so crazy. I wonder like what happened on the other side? Who sent you back? Why were you sent back? Cuz it sounds like you did die.

[Ellen]

Yeah, I mean I, I would say my mom.

[Jake Handel]

I certainly didn't think he would make the night and he did and, and he made a liar out of me. Further on, or maybe a couple months after that, there was an incident where he incidentally removed his trach, to which, you know, he obviously shouldn't be here. But he started breathing on his own. By some miracle, no longer needed oxygen. So it was at that point that it's like, okay, is this guy really dying? Or like, do we need to get him other sorts of help? Like, what's going on here?

[Corinne Vien]

Mike stayed on Jake's case for a few more months, and he recalls that Ellen quickly moved back into recovery mode. Jake had survived so far and she was determined to find a cure.

[Jake Handel]

Let's cure him. Let's get him better. And I think the stress started to take a toll. There were some days that she just wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't answer the door. Then at that point, she was basically doing it alone.

[Corinne Vien]

The thing about hospice care is it's meant for the end of someone's life. But Jake kept on living. So shortly after this near death experience, his hospice care timed out. And having survived the six months of hospice, medical professionals were not quite sure of what to do with him.

[Jake Handel]

The plan was to have him go back to the emergency room, but didn't quite happen that way.

[Corinne Vien]

Jake remembers the day they came to take the medical equipment. He could feel hands on him, lifting him out of his hospice bed, placing him down onto a makeshift bed of pillows on the floor. His wife begged them not to take it, but it didn't matter. And so for days, Jake lay there on the floor of his father's home, trapped, listening as his wife unraveled. He had no way to move, no way to call for help. Completely shut off from the world, his wife now being his sole means of survival.

[Ellen]

Foreign.

[Corinne Vien]

Thank you for listening to Blank. This podcast is hosted and produced by me, Corinne Vien, alongside my co creator and survivor, Jake Handle. Our original music is composed by the brilliant and talented Michael Margay. We're so grateful for your support. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider rating, reviewing and sharing this story with others. For additional resources, updates and behind the scenes content, Visit our website blinkthepodcast.com Blink will return with a new episode next Sunday. Did you know that the world's most shoplifted food is cheese?

[Jake Handel]

Or that in the 1960s NASA astronauts smuggled a corned beef sandwich into space? Or that Serbia is home to the World Testicle Cooking Championships? QI is launching a brand new podcast. It's called Lunchbox Envy and it's all about food. Join QI's foodie elves. That's me Manu and me Jack, along.

[Corinne Vien]

With me chef and food writer Rosie.

[Jake Handel]

McKean as we trade snacks and swap facts. If you're a fan of QI or no such thing as a fish or just plain hungry, subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts.