BLINK Q&A: You Asked, Jake Answers Part 2

Summary

Blink Podcast: Jake Haendel’s Story

Episode: BLINK Q&A: You Asked, Jake Answers Part 2
Date: December 23, 2025
Host: Hannah (Guest Host, interviewer for this Q&A)
Guest: Jacob Haendel (“Jake”)

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Main Theme

This episode is a listener Q&A, focused on the aftermath of Jake Haendel’s coma, the complicated and abusive relationship with his ex-wife Ellen, and the subsequent legal battles surrounding his remarkable recovery and the events depicted in the “Blink” podcast. Jake answers listener-submitted questions, clarifies key points from his story, and reflects candidly on the emotional, legal, and ethical complexities of his ordeal.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reflection on Ellen and Their Relationship

• Portrayal of Ellen: The podcast’s depiction of Jake’s relationship with his ex-wife Ellen is honest and complex, not shying away from showing both her caregiving and abusive tendencies.
• Listener Curiosity: Many listeners want to know more about Ellen’s perspective and why she withdrew when Jake began to recover.
• Jake’s Insight (02:41–06:12):
  • Few men have reached out; most responses are from women.
  • “The consistent thing is, why did she dip out or distance herself? When you started getting better, wasn’t this a goal? And why isn’t she taking credit?” – Jake (03:42)
  • The memory of Ellen looking “disappointed, but mad” when he first began showing signs of recovery was baffling and painful (04:53–06:12).
  • Jake, reflecting on the confusion, says:

    “I just took it. I was like, okay, okay, I get it, I get it. …But then when it was really close family and just—not letting them even come to the hospital to say goodbye—painful. And how she treated my dad... But I didn’t want her to leave, but I was rationalizing. Kind of makes sense. And then how has it changed now that I’ve learned so much more? It just doesn’t add up.” – Jake (07:01–09:38)

2. Legal Threats and Podcast Pause

• Social Media Backlash: Online attacks appeared early in the Blink podcast release, centered around Jake’s credibility and Ellen’s portrayal (13:33).
• Attorney Threats: Ellen’s representation, through an attorney named “Tatooine,” threatened legal action demanding retractions, public apology, and $4,000 (~17:34).
  • “It was mainly about, dude, where’s my sperm? On the legal side, she said this was incorrect. She had permission for a one time sample. She wants a revision, a correction, a public apology, and I believe $4,000.” – Jake (17:34)
• Response and Outcome: Jake’s attorney handled the case, refused all demands, and offered Ellen the chance to tell her side—she refused. No lawsuit was ever filed (22:02–24:37).
  • “No statement is a motherfucking statement.” – Jake (24:00)

3. The “Sperm Collection” Controversy & Legal/Ethical Complexity

• Listener Questions: Why was there no sexual assault investigation?

• Jake’s Reflection (27:01–29:55):

  • The hospital followed proper procedure under the bizarre circumstances.
  • “I’m not even mad at Ellen. I’ve said this before. I would have said yes. What I’m mad at Ellen about is give me the fucking sperm back. Why is this a negotiating tactic for what, a brand new Alexa?” – Jake (28:21)
  • Jake’s father had thought it was a one-time event; it turns out it occurred multiple times, sometimes without his or Jake’s clear awareness or consent (30:02–31:21).

• Resolution: After a long legal struggle, the stored samples were destroyed, but Jake remains unsure if there might be more elsewhere (33:24).

4. Contacts with Ellen’s Friends and Family

• Estrangement & Reinvention (34:42–36:03):
  • No current contact with Ellen’s family or close friends.
  • “She threads her entire life as—this is why it goes back to—does she even know who she is? I don’t think I ever knew her. I think she reinvents herself...” – Jake (34:51)
• Potential Future Interviews: Jake plans to feature other people from Ellen’s life in future podcast episodes for additional perspectives (36:09–38:01).

5. The “Poisoning Theory”

• Listener Question: Does Jake believe Ellen poisoned him?
• Jake’s Perspective (43:52–46:11):
  • He acknowledges he’ll probably never have proof.
  • “My theory was she was so aggravated by the heroin… she was like, I’m gonna get him sick. Not what I got, but like, as in throwing up for a week to essentially be... ‘I don’t want this anymore in my life. Get clean.’ That’s what I think it was.” – Jake (44:18)
  • Admits that while he suspects possible malice, he may never really know Ellen’s motives or the full truth.

6. Lingering Questions and the Search for Answers

• Desire for Ellen’s Participation (46:11–46:50):
  • Jake still wants Ellen to speak, believing her side deserves to be heard unedited.

    “We’re not going to alter your words to make it more clickbaity. What is your point of view or recollection of this whole thing? And...yeah, that’s it.” – Jake (46:33)

• Fear of Encountering Ellen: He describes a recent near-encounter at a hospital and the ongoing anxiety of running into her (47:02–48:24).
• Decision Not to Pursue Further Legal Action: Jake hasn’t moved forward with criminal charges, explaining that finding the truth won’t change his reality now—but that he wants steps taken to prevent other victims (49:05–50:33).

7. Life After the Blink Story

• Relationship Status and Dating:
  • Jake confirms he’s not single but is private about details.
  • He is “a lot” in his own words and cautious in relationships, now prioritizing real connection and skepticism over appearances (51:06–53:25).
• What Brings Jake Joy:
  • Connections with friends, family, and strangers.
  • Having regained his voice, he’s grateful for social interaction and small pleasures.
  • “Just being able to, like, go somewhere and shoot the shit at a bar, airport, whatever... I love just connecting with people and going out. And I love, like, working on things, building things. Love traveling, I love seeing new places. I definitely love food...” – Jake (53:29–54:20)
• Current and Future Projects:
  • Ongoing public speaking, especially with youth and at schools; continued writing and podcasting (“Blink is certainly not over”) (55:13–57:10).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Ellen’s Reaction to Recovery:

  “Yeah, she looked not only disappointed, but mad. And I remember she was coming to visit... she didn’t stay for the visit. That was kind of it. And I just felt confused. I didn’t understand whatsoever.”
  (Jake, 04:53)

• On the Legal Threats:

  “But guess what? No statement is a motherfucking statement.”
  (Jake, 24:00)

• On Agency and Consent:

  “I couldn’t… I was in no place where I could just be like, ‘Yes, like, jerk me off right now, please.’ If I could have said that, sure, I’m a guy, I would take it.”
  (Jake, 21:10)

• On the Search for Truth:

  “My motivation of getting my story out there, aside from it being medically a miracle, is to figure out what really happened. And I have questions for Ellen.... Did this actually happen? And also, why did you do what you did?”
  (Jake, 09:11)

• On His Mission:

  “...regardless of the actual batch and what caused my disease, just the questionable behavior, the manipulation, the isolation, all these things, I worry for the next guy, you know? And then if something more sinister is happening, I feel a responsibility to do something about it, to save the next guy.”
  (Jake, 41:23)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Relationship with Ellen: 00:35–11:45
• Legal Situation and Attorney Threats: 13:03–24:37
• “Sperm Collection” Controversy: 26:21–33:24
• Contacts with Ellen’s Friends & Family, Future Podcast Plans: 34:42–38:01
• Poisoning Theory & Unanswered Questions: 38:01–46:11
• Life Now, New Relationships, Finding Joy: 50:49–54:20
• Jake’s Current Projects and Voice: 55:13–57:10

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Final Takeaways

This Q&A episode offers a candid, sometimes raw, window into the aftermath of trauma, recovery, and the search for answers when truth is elusive. Jake’s reflections, humor, and honesty show both the pain of unanswered questions and the hope he’s found in connection and storytelling. The episode closes with Jake optimistic about the future, promising more to come:

“Blink is certainly not over. My story’s not over. Stay tuned to this feed... more and more, you’re gonna hear the name Jake Haendel for a while. And if it’s too much, just turn off and check in every once in a while.” (Jake, 56:38)

Transcript

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[Jake Handle]

We are back with our Part 2 of the Q and A last time. We left off with getting into this legal situation and behind the scenes. Hannah, thanks for being here again.

[Hannah]

Thanks so much for having me. Okay, so we are going to talk about the legal situation. Before we get into that specific question, we have to talk about Ellen. You know, I have to say, there's been so much said about this podcast. There's so much to love about it. One of the aspects that I think hasn't been talked about quite as much is the portrayal of your relationship with Ellen in the podcast. It's really well told. You know, it's complex and complicated and you guys don't shy away from that. You're really honest about some of the good things, about how for a time she was really good at taking care of you and understanding your needs. You talk about your range of emotions over time, starting with obsession and love and. And then how that really slowly starts to change as you understand what's really going on and how, you know, there's these really harmful abusive patterns that are taking place. She became very controlling. You witnessed many times when she was hostile toward medical professionals who were really trying to help you. And the list goes on and on. But, you know, we hear about so many stories about abusive relationships from the women's perspective, and we really don't hear as many of these stories from men's perspective. Especially hearing a man speak so honestly and openly about what that was like. I'm just curious, you know, what has the response been like from you being open about, about your relationship with her and everything that you went through?

[Jake Handle]

Not many men have reach out to me. A lot of women have reached out to be like, I think this or I think that she, she did it or she this. You know, there's a big question mark finder. I'd say most across the board, everyone's like, so where's Ellen? What does she look like? Why isn't she telling her side? And a lot of people have been like, okay, worst thing to go through, right? Understandable. She Was heightened and angry and agitated towards everyone. And the isolation of my family really got to a lot of listeners. Obviously not great for me, even worse for my family, I imagine. But the consistent thing is, why did she dip out or distance herself? When you started getting better, wasn't this a goal? And why isn't she taking credit? Because she could easily have come on, been like, jake's a look at me. I nursed him back to health, and now I'm moving on with my life.

[Hannah]

Oh, I mean, if she's only after sympathy, she still. There still could have been a lot, a lot of sympathy that she could have garnered. But you're right. I mean, there's that chilling moment when you have this incredible, you know, you're starting your recovery. Medical professionals have realized, oh, my gosh, you're in there. So all these things are in the works. You've got speech therapy. You have, you know, and the first time that you say, like, you're vertical in over a year, you talk about Ellen and her mom coming into the room, and you look at Ellen's face and your perception was that she was like, sad or disappointed, which is shocking. How do you interpret that?

[Jake Handle]

Here's me going back to the actual moment once again. I remember it was so hard, so weak in my neck to lift my head. I was kind of in this machine vertical walking on these ballerina contracted feet. And you see it in like boxing training movies. There's a guy with this chain link thing and a 150 pound weight attached to it, and he's doing these neck presses. So it kind of felt like that. I was like, get my neck up so I can make eye contact with the woman I love. And they're all like, look, look at what he's doing. It's amazing. It's a miracle. And yeah, she looked not only disappointed, but mad. And I remember she was coming to visit. Obviously it's not like it's a quick little drive and she didn't stay for the visit. That was kind of it. And I just felt confused. I didn't understand whatsoever.

[Hannah]

And it sounds like a lot of listeners had that same feeling.

[Jake Handle]

Yeah, I felt more confused and sad. Oh, she doesn't want to visit. But it was more like, why does she have that look? This is a good thing. Not like I just shot a bunch of heroin. What are you mad about?

[Hannah]

Yeah, and I'm sorry if these questions are so specific that they're taking you back there. I don't know, that's not probably a fun thing to Be reliving. I guess the question is like, I think near the end of the podcast, we can really start to hear a little bit of that frustration and anger come coming from you, like realizing the things that she's done even since the podcast has come out. You know, have you. Have your emotions continued to evolve as far as how you think about it and look back on that relationship?

[Jake Handle]

Yeah. And I will say it's mostly I am very confused by all of it. And as I look back, fact is, I don't think I ever knew her. And I was so infatuated with her. I didn't meet many of her friends, she didn't meet many of my friends, and all of a sudden we're a thing. So I didn't really know her. Then I tried to rationalize the somatic isolation that was happening. It was like, okay, I'm dying. You think everyone's a bad influence of my friends. That's not true. This, again, is in my head. I'm not saying it out loud because I don't want to argue. And I held a lot of guilt because I was very sure I did this myself, even though that didn't add up because no one else was sick. Here it is. I'm dying. She's mad at me, verbally telling me, fuck you, this is your fault. I'm this age, like, I'm beautiful. This is not where my life is supposed to go. And I'm not taking care of you, and you're an asshole. You did this to yourself. I just took it. I was like, okay, okay, I get it, I get it. And you shouldn't stare at. Because it sucks watching someone die. I've done that. It sucks. It ruined me, obviously, go live your life. But then when it was really close family and just. Just not letting them even come to the hospital to say goodbye. Painful. And how she treated my dad. I mean, she's. She can be very harsh with her words. But again, I was like, I get it. Cuz her husband is like dying and she's on the other coin. She's taking such good care of me that if you left, that would suck for me. I don't know. It's so confusing. But I didn't want her to leave, but I was rationalizing. Kind of makes sense. And then how has it changed now that I've learned so much more? It just doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. I'm confused by it all and my motivation of getting my story out there, aside from it being medically A miracle is to figure out what really happened. And I have questions for Ellen. In some of these hallucinations on our wedding anniversary, New Year's Eve, you brought in a bottle of champagne. Did you actually bring in a bottle of champagne? I really wanted to know the answer to that. I thought her coming in with the New Year's hats and the decorations was all a hallucination, but there's photographic proof that it happened. But did she bring the champagne? I don't know. I have, like, stupid questions like that. It's like, did this actually happen? And also, why did you do what you did? Why did you do it? All these things to my family and friends. Facebook post. What's up with that? All these things. Why, when I got better, did you leave? Thankfully, you did, because I was ready to never talk to my family again, which is so fucking fucked up. I want to hit this table right now. I can't believe I was ready to do that, but I was like, you put your life aside, save me. Now I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna get out of the hospital, and we can start fresh. And to do that, I will never talk to my family again, even though I think it's irrational. But I appreciate what you did for me and I will do that for you.

[Hannah]

Yeah, I imagine, like, you felt like you owed her a lot at that time and felt a sense of loyalty, for sure. Like I said, it sounds really complicated. And I think you guys did a really good job in the podcast of showing that complexity. And I think you also did a really good job of trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and being very fair when you talked about her. But, you know, I'm guessing she didn't feel that way.

[Jake Handle]

Perhaps too fair.

[Hannah]

Perhaps too fair. I mean, some could say. I'll say it, Jake, handle saying it here.

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[Hannah]

You had to pause the podcast at one point and I imagine maybe for legal reasons or whatever. You guys didn't. You didn't go into detail about that at the time. You hinted that there was someone who wasn't happy about the episodes. I think a lot of people could guess. I wonder if that someone is Ellen. And so I'm curious if you can actually talk to us about that. What happened when the podcast had to pause?

[Jake Handle]

Yes, I can and will. Against perhaps some people's opinions. So this person on TikTok and Instagram had been messaging and commenting all over my channel. Miracle man, the Blink feed. No, this is incorrect. It's Jake's a liar. This didn't happen. Ellen or Elle did everything for him. He is a junkie and he's an. And he's twisting everything around. These were on Reddit and they're still there. So this probably like episode three and these were coming in and you know, there are fans, there are friends, there are family members paying attention more closely to my socials than I am. I had DM'd her and I said, seems like, you know, that family. We have been desperately trying to have them come on. I've been trying to get them to their side. Would love it if you put us in touch. I get to fuck you back pretty much. And then when Deutero's My Sperm episode came out, I got a message from this person. Ellen has decided to come on the podcast. Is there a number or email she can contact? Corinne and I obliged. Obviously, we're very excited you'd been wanting.

[Hannah]

To have her on the podcast.

[Jake Handle]

Totally. So we set up a Google voice number and I think we gave blinkthepodcastmail.com our podcast, Gmail. No emails came in, but there were four messages from an attorney. And I'm okay with saying the name John Tatooine. Tatooine. Tatooine. Supplanted from Star Wars, I believe. Tatooine, right. Yeah. We're about to file a lawsuit.

[Hannah]

Okay. So this attorney messages you, I'm assuming, on behalf of Ellen, and says is threatening to. To sue you.

[Jake Handle]

Yeah. My honest to God assumption at the time was she got her mom to finance this. My ex mother in law, who I used to hold in very high regard. So I thought Cindy was financing this lawsuit or threat of one Tatooine, the Star Wars Planet Attorney. All these calls, all these voicemails, and I reached out to My divorce attorney, Amy Clifford, I'm like, should I get back to him? She was like, no, let me do that. So we officially retained her.

[Hannah]

Mm. She was great. She was on the, the podcast talking about your divorce.

[Jake Handle]

She is great. Shout out, Amy. She. Yeah. Many people in my story have. Are hold credit for saving my life here.

[Hannah]

So you retained her and then did she write back?

[Jake Handle]

She called and they had correspondence through her phone. She was like, look, I. I don't know how you guys want to proceed, but here's the deal. They're pissed. They want this. They did not send a cease and desist or anything.

[Hannah]

What did she want or what did Tatooine want?

[Jake Handle]

It was mainly about, dude, where's my sperm? On the legal side, she said this was incorrect. She had permission for a one time sample. She wants a revision, a correction, a public apology, and I believe $4,000.

[Hannah]

$4,000.

[Jake Handle]

$4000 for trouble.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Handle]

And at this point, I'm trying to remember if this was Amy Clifford dealing with their new firm. And first of all, the answer is no. But Tatooine. Tatooine. But I just get a kick of calling him that supplied one document, which was this one page of my million of medical records with a bunch of handwriting all over. It seemed to be else, but I had two doctors sign off and it said I consented by blink at this point. And this was. It's kind of hard to decipher. It looks like this form was from December 27, 2018. So, like, I'm definitely locked in.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Handle]

This is like when I survived Christmas. So this document, I'm like, huh, I've never seen this document. And I looked through all the records and because it's dated, so I'm able to actually find. And there's like 7,000 pages from this day, and I'm able to find it. It obviously doesn't have handwriting on it, but it's really strange that they're saying I consented.

[Hannah]

Do you find this actual document in your medical records?

[Jake Handle]

I did. I did not with the handwriting, the one she supplied. And also, I don't know if you've. Oh, you. You told me you listened to it. You didn't watch it in video, so. So my other show, you never know, we actually pull this up in video and talk about it, and some of the things she wrote in with handwriting is wild.

[Hannah]

So she took a document that's a real document from your medical files, and then she wrote on it, she added to it in an attempt to say this was part of the original document. I don't.

[Jake Handle]

I don't really know, honestly. But one thing I do know is she violated the MSA because she literally said, I do not have anything. But she was able to pull this document.

[Hannah]

Right.

[Jake Handle]

She has everything. She has photos of me. She overtook my phone. She has everything.

[Hannah]

Right. So this goes back to when you were getting a divorce. There was this big back and forth that you talked about on the podcast that you were asking for your stuff back and citing specific pictures, documents, and basically she was going back through her attorney at the time saying, I don't have any of this stuff. I don't have it. I don't have it. This is post that. This is when the podcast is coming out. She now supplies this medical document to her attorney, so it's clear that she still has things.

[Jake Handle]

Yeah, I knew this was just like, fuck you. I don't want to give you shit. Anyway, besides the point. It was just interesting. And frankly, she had the neurology department of MGH eating out of the palm of her hand. It's the beginning of Locked in. I'm certainly fluctuating through states of consciousness, but not in a place where I could just be like, yes, like, jerk me off right now, please. If I could have said that, sure, I'm a guy, I would take it.

[Hannah]

But you did not give any kind of consent. You couldn't.

[Jake Handle]

I. No, I couldn't.

[Hannah]

So you've attained representation now? I don't know. I don't know how to say his actual name because he's calling him Tatooine.

[Jake Handle]

But it's Tatooine, Tatoine.

[Hannah]

He sends over the list of demands. And part of that is this documentation from your medical records that says that you somehow consented, even though we know that you couldn't actually do that at the time. And where does this go from here? Like, did she file a lawsuit against you?

[Jake Handle]

No. So all it really was was this. You know, we hired this rockstar firm that handles this type of stuff for podcasting and for anyone that's hired rockstar attorneys, they're not cheap, and they go by the hour, and the hour might be when they're on their computer or sleeping and thinking about it, you know, so this is getting costly. Right. And also, I just have a lot of color of what she's done in the past, and I understand her more than. Let me back up. Nobody understands her, but I understand her in this situation where she will just. It's going to be a waste of time. So it was a Lot of back and forth. And basically our reply through attorneys was no to all. We have been trying to reach out to Ellen. We'd be happy to have her on record a piece on her side, a statement, or if she's not comfortable, she can send something in and we'll read it word for word. Answer is no, I'm not doing that. But I expect this. And my attorney is like, he called me 30 times today and I'm like, great, that sounds like $30,000 to me. And he's like, what do you want me to do? And I was like, there is nothing to be done. Tell them I have nothing else to say. We sent you our position and file a lawsuit. File. There's nothing to be done but warn your client if she files, I'll be filing about 11 countersuits. He replied with, I'm going to try and say this word for word as it is pursuant to our settlement agreement, my client would be very interested in knowing the counterclaims that your client plans on filing. And my guy called me, I can't believe he even called me to be like, what would you like me to say? And I chuckled and I was like, I bet she would. There's nothing to be done here. And that was it. Wow.

[Hannah]

And. And so you never received. She's never filed a lawsuit?

[Jake Handle]

No. Never filed a single lawsuit. We do, you know, episode reads with attorneys of what's legal and what's not legal. And bottom line is like, enough games stories out there. Time to tell your side or forever be silent. But guess what? No statement is a motherfucking statement.

[Hannah]

Yeah. Close your eyes. Exhale.

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[Jake Handle]

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[Hannah]

Okay, so that answers the question about what Ellen's attorneys wanted when they reach out to you, which a lot of people had that question. What about the other side of the potential legal aspect of this? I'll read from a listener who commented on your Instagram Ookind says, why wasn't an essay sexual assault investigation ever pursued? The sperm collection part really bothers me. Nurses seemed uncomfortable, so there should have been witnesses. Have you thought about a sexual assault lawsuit or trying to have a legal investigation, a criminal investigation, started for that?

[Jake Handle]

Against who?

[Hannah]

Hmm. Great question. Against Ellen or against the hospital? Is that what you mean?

[Jake Handle]

Yeah. I'll preface this with, this was kind of an unimaginable situation. You got somebody who presents extremely well, whose husband has extremely rare disease and is potentially on his last 24 hours to live, and she has a very compelling narrative about how we had miscarriages, which was true, allegedly. I know one was real. I don't know. A lot of people have reached out and been like, are you sure she was pregnant the second time? And I'm like, wow, really? Now that I think about it, like, not really. I don't know. And that's why we got married so fast. Yeah. Questions there like, ellen fucking answer. What's up?

[Hannah]

Lots of questions.

[Jake Handle]

Unimaginable situation. I can understand that. Big trauma centers. I've heard that it happens like once a year.

[Hannah]

You've heard that this situation happens?

[Jake Handle]

I heard like once a year. There's kind of like a deathbed sperm situation.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Handle]

At MGH at least. So I think it was kind of unimaginable. What are you supposed to do? And I think MGH did everything they should have done, frankly. And nurses were in an uproar. It was all happening so fast. Maybe they do things differently now. I don't know. I'm not mad at them. I'm not even mad at Ellen. I've said this before. I would have said yes. What I'm mad at Ellen about is give me the fucking sperm back. Why is this a negotiating tactic for what, A brand new Alexa? Like, all right, fine. Seems crazy. I'm not really mad. I would have said yes, probably. Anyway, you can imagine one of my counterclaims probably would be that if she wants to go to war, it wasn't until Corinne said, what about if this was reverse roles? Did it really make me. Oh, yeah, that wouldn't have flown. So. And then I read back my medical records around this document they supplied. And I mean, the descriptive medical Lingo of the state I was in. While she was whacking me off, my good friend Justin was like, think about it from her perspective. They're saying you might die. Dying by jerk off. So anyway, with a lot of reflection, that must have been really ugly.

[Hannah]

And she did it many times, and she was told that every time that she did it that there was a chance you could die.

[Jake Handle]

Yeah. And this is important. You reminded me. And I want to clear the air for something. My dad was on the podcast and this episode came out. Dude, where's my sperm? And he called me and he was pretty upset. He was like, I sound like a fucking asshole. I said, okay to the one time consent.

[Hannah]

This is what your dad is saying.

[Jake Handle]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

He thought it happened one time.

[Jake Handle]

Until the episode came out, he thought it happened one time. How did we never talk about this? I knew it happened a couple times, but I gave a talk at the nearer ICU once, and I believe it happened on this floor. It's called Philip's house. And they were like, it happened here too. Oh, I was getting jerked off all over the hospital. I think my dad is worried about how he's perceived. In a way, he knows it is how it is. He's like, but I sound like fucking asshole. And I was like, but you did consent to this one time thing, because that's on the form. And he's like, I did. And I was like, you knew it was her doing it. He's like, yeah, I didn't want them to shove a cattle prod up your ass. Like, I thought you would have enjoyed your wife doing that better. And I'm like, well, you thought, right.

[Hannah]

Yeah, he was just trying to do what he thought was right. It also makes me think back to the state of mind that you were in at the time, which was that, I mean, you said on the podcast Ellen had, like, complete control, and you sort of had, you know, given that to her. Like, you wanted her to be happy. You didn't want to upset her. You also were in full belief at the time that your actions alone had caused you to be in this state, which now is really called into question. And so you didn't have all the information, really. So that also kind of makes the situation a little bit different, maybe.

[Jake Handle]

Yeah. And just thinking back to when I was first diagnosed and she was mad at me was like, fuck you. I'm out of here. She left for a bit. She came back. I wanted to do this. Okay, great. That's when it was talked about. Month one of diagnosis. It Was like a thing we chatted about once and I was down. Did I really think about it, like, too hard? No. This is a woman I love. And sure, I did want kids. I do want kids. And then never talked about it again. Never did it. And it wasn't until that day before Christmas that came up again.

[Hannah]

Wow. One other thing I wanted to ask about. You know, in the podcast you tried to get answers from the sperm bank about how many samples were there. And, you know, know, it was this effort to get those either back or destroyed, but essentially to make sure that Ellen didn't have these because it they didn't belong to her, you know. What's the official update? Were you able to find out how many samples she had in this burn bank? Is there confirmation that they have been either handed over to you or destroyed?

[Jake Handle]

They have been destroyed. Took about a year and a half. I asked Amy how many samples were there. They wouldn't talk to us. They destroyed what they had. No update, no idea. Somebody I recently talked to right after I met you in LA was like, she probably has multiple storage facilities. So I don't know.

[Hannah]

Your divorce, as you have said, Dan, get very messy with Ellen refusing to return many of your belongings to you. You know, you wanted things that were very reasonable. Your own sperm, the belongings of yours that she still had, including some of your mother's stuff, but also like your phone and pictures and just things that people collect in their lives. And I was wondering, since the podcast aired, have you been able to get anything else back?

[Jake Handle]

Not from her, but there. People have definitely sent pictures, haven't received any videos, and there's a ton of stuff I want. The answer is no.

[Hannah]

Another question from a listener at IM, Jenny McKenna. Is Jake in touch with anyone from Ellen's family or her friends? If not, how do they still believe her side of the story, assuming they do?

[Jake Handle]

Our family doesn't talk to me and I wasn't trying to talk to them. If they had reached out, I would definitely talk to them. Last one I talked to was Cindy. As divorce was getting messy, that was it. And I didn't reach out until we were recording Blink. And I reached out once and they, you know, by email, text, whatever, never got back to me. Understandable. It did reach out to a handful of her bridesmaids on Facebook messenger and she's going back to her friends. I never really knew them and I'm starting to locate newer ones. And she threaded her entire life as. This is why it goes back to. Does she even know who she Is I don't think I ever knew her. I think she reinvents herself because she has a track record of changing numbers, blocking people, deleting her Internet footprint, social media, all of it, and restarting with a different Persona.

[Hannah]

And you're finding this out because you've spoken with people who have known her in the past at different times that have since reached out to you, Correct?

[Jake Handle]

Yep.

[Hannah]

Ah. Anyone that you might do a future interview with on the podcast?

[Jake Handle]

Yeah, there's. There's a handful.

[Hannah]

I'm just wondering if you can give us a little teaser about what that might entail.

[Jake Handle]

So we got a somebody before me who ironically was a couple of years younger than me from my town, who was roommates with her, and when she saw our Facebook wedding post, she was like, what the fuck? Somebody married her. And I'm like, why the fuck didn't you call me?

[Hannah]

Would you have believed her at the time if she had called you?

[Jake Handle]

Well, that was the whole conversation. I. I don't.

[Hannah]

Hard to say.

[Jake Handle]

I don't think it would have changed a thing. And then there were some girls I got in touch with, zolvi know episode 12, bad batch. They were around when she was living out in California, and Justin called me that crazy day and kind of dropped the. Did she poison you, though? With no contacts, out of nowhere.

[Hannah]

Justin being not my friend Justin, not your friend Justin.

[Jake Handle]

But Ellen's exactly the guy before me. And foolishly, his words, I got back with her after you when he called to say this. These two girls were around in the. Not like in the room, but around when this was happening. And he stole her car and helped her recover her car, and now are putting all the pieces together like I am, even though it was like a short window and it doesn't all add up.

[Hannah]

Okay, yeah. Because as you said in Bad Batch, which is a great episode, you had already had this question in your mind about maybe Ellen put something in your cut of heroin. There's a lot of reasons that you go to. Into in the episode as to why this might be true. Some of them are like medical professionals talking about the way that this came on so quickly, they might be looking for something else in the drug, like a contaminant that they actually asked to test it at the time, which didn't happen. But also, you said you had noticed a strange taste. There were other people in your life who had cuts from the same batch who didn't notice that you tried. You even tried part of. Of their cut, and it was like, well, yeah, yours doesn't taste weird, but mine does. Anyway, there's a lot that goes into it, but also, it was just like a theory. So you were just sort of living this, questioning it. And then you get this message from Ellen's ex boyfriend, who then got back together with her, and he, out of the blue, having no idea that you've been thinking this, asks you, do you think that she poisoned you? Which is just like, whoa, what? And you have a phone call with him, but then you say on the podcast you never talk to him again. So, you know, this is a question a lot of people have. What's the update there? Have you spoken with him since the podcast came out? What. What's his deal? What's the status update?

[Jake Handle]

No update. I don't know his deal. I really want to talk to him again to find out why he would say that again. He said it on the call because she talks about it, which is crazy, from what I know. Well, he struggles with addiction. There's so much here. I want to answer your question first on the backtrack a little bit, but long and short. I don't know why he never got back to me. I do know this. He was going through his own legal trouble with Elle.

[Hannah]

Oh, what was that? Can you say, I don't really know?

[Jake Handle]

I mean, I assume it's a stolen car.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Handle]

But also what I've heard is he was allowed to use that car, so I don't think he really stole the car. But it's very easy for someone who owns a car to be like, that's my guy. Stole my car. And that would track with their behavior. And I just know there are court records out there. What I don't know is what happened to him after I did hear he went to jail. That. Which makes sense why he didn't get back to me.

[Hannah]

You think after you spoke with him, he went to jail for a period of time, yeah.

[Jake Handle]

Not immediately. Which doesn't explain why it didn't get back to me. Probably fear. And it's fear from. I think you all know who.

[Hannah]

Are you worried for his safety?

[Jake Handle]

I am. I am.

[Hannah]

Maybe he's. He is afraid to reach out, you know, for potentially a lot of reasons. But maybe he's listening to this podcast, and if so, what would you want to say to him?

[Jake Handle]

I know how it is. You got nothing to be scared about from me. We do share something. I. From my knowledge of Elle, we're the only two who made it long enough in her life to. To be something. And the fact that I'm still here is a mystery. I understand. All good. If. If you're too scared and want to be involved. But I do. Even off the record, of course. Course, off the record. Anything you want. I would just love to hear more of a. A picture for my own sanity. And then on the record, too, of course. Because regardless of the actual batch and what caused my disease, just the questionable behavior, the manipulation, the isolation, all these things, I worry for the next guy, you know? And then if something more sinister is happening, I feel a responsibility to do something about it, to save the next guy. So, yeah, hit me up, man.

[Hannah]

Yeah, I hope that he does. Limu Emu.

[Jake Handle]

And Doug, here we have the limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[Hannah]

Fascinating.

[Jake Handle]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[Hannah]

Cut the camera.

[Jake Handle]

They see us.

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Hannah]

So I have to ask, since we're on the topic of the theory that you were potentially poisoned, this is conjecture, because I think at this point, unless I'm wrong, I don't think there is actual proof. What is your perspective? You know, do you think that Ellen poisoned you? And if you think that she did, do you think she was trying to kill you? Or what was she trying to achieve?

[Jake Handle]

I think it changed over the years. But I will say this. Back when I'm in the hospital and I started writing a lot, not verbally, and was able to then jot things down with my hand, my theory was she was so aggravated by the heroin, which is why it's so crazy that she was actually doing heroin herself and injecting. I mean, I didn't show her to do that because I never did that. So I really don't know. But her disdain for me doing it, the theory was she was like, I'm gonna get him sick. Not what I got, but like, as in throwing up for a week to essentially be. I don't want this anymore in my life. Get clean. That's what I think it was. And I believe there's no possible way in the world that she knew if she put something in there that she would know what happened would happen. But it does make sense for feeling bad, staying and leaving once I got to where I was, maybe the. If she did that, the guilt of that, she got me to a place where then, you know, I'm non verbal and okay, I can, I can back off where I'm at now. This brings us back to the beginning. I really don't know and I'm confused. I'm very confused. But when you take all the components here of the isolation of the Facebook post, of the the this and the that, and knowing more of that. I never knew who she really was and Justin and other friends, relationships she's had and other court things she's had and how she blocks and reinvents herself, I don't think I'll ever know, unfortunately.

[Hannah]

Yeah, I imagine there's a lot of questions that you just have to live with, but there's a lot of questions that you're hoping to get answers to someday as well. You've talked about wanting to have Ellen on the podcast. You know, is that something you still would like to happen?

[Jake Handle]

Yeah, totally. I mean, I would love to just hear whatever you want to say. We're not going to alter your words to make it more clickbaity. What is your point of view or recollection of this whole thing? And. Yeah, that's it.

[Hannah]

Yeah. One viewer asked, do you struggle with the potential of running into Ellen while still making efforts toward your recovery and living life like running into her in Boston?

[Jake Handle]

Yes. I was at a Mass General appointment. I was with a walker. One of my first times leaving the house with walker, taking a ride, going to the appointment, doing the appointment, and then taking the ride home. I'm at the main entrance and I haven't seen her in a while. It was back when masks were still required and man, I think this was her. And I, I shake when I walk anyway. But let me tell you, I was like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm gonna follow. Like, my walker was like. She was on the phone and distracted and probably not her. I saw like the Ellen I knew with my hypothesis of what 5 years age looks like. I guess I more struggle with the fear of it being her and me not recognizing her and just in my own world, doing my own thing and getting hit in the head with a bottle. Just a nice shove off my scooter. If we sat in the studio together, I'd be nervous as hell, but I want to do it.

[Hannah]

Yeah. At the end of Blink, you talked about if you wanted to kickstart an investigation or try to, you know, criminal investigation. That's not really our choice. You usually try to have to try to get a law enforcement agency interested. And you had talked about potentially reaching out to the Worcester D. Have you moved forward with that or do you want to?

[Jake Handle]

I haven't moved forward with that. Part of me wants to, part of me doesn't. I think what I want is somebody else to do it. And I'm hands off, but I will say, don't force my fucking hand.

[Hannah]

Well, a lot of people have written things like, how is she still out and about living her life without repercussions.

[Jake Handle]

I'm in a place where even though I'm in chronic pain and I struggle with everything, I kind of like my life. And finding out definitively, 100%, she confesses, is not gonna change anything for me. It's really not. I'm really like, yeah, that's really fucked up. I can't believe that happened. Not gonna change. The more important thing is whoever wrote that question is the community and the population. And it's fucking scary to think about people that can walk around like this and, you know, on a whim, just be like, I'm gonna do this because I feel like it. So if that makes sense, it wouldn't necessarily be for me. It'd more be for that. And like I said, I'd rather be hands off. And, I mean, if she definitively did this, I don't necessarily want her to be in jail for the rest of her life or out. Of all the thought I give into a variety of things, this is actually the least area I've given thought to that makes sense.

[Hannah]

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot to focus on. And also, you're living your life as you said, and, you know, this leads me to people that had questions about your life. Now, many people want to know, Jake, are you single?

[Jake Handle]

I am not.

[Hannah]

Oh, okay.

[Jake Handle]

And I think I'll leave it at that.

[Hannah]

Okay. Okay. Man of mystery. Well, then, I don't know if you want to answer this next question, but someone says, what does dating look like for you after this experience?

[Jake Handle]

A lot of people say I look confident. I mean, I. I have a bad self image in myself. That's not because of my past or anything. I don't think I ever had a good one of myself, of just how I physically look, especially now. I'm a lot. I'm a lot. I feel that. So I got a lot of negative self talk and automatic thoughts about showing up. I always show up. But you can imagine in the dating world, that's when you. I think for both women and men, they want to put on their best self and look the best and nice. I'm struggling to do my hair in a not crazy way and whatever. So in that regard, it's hard for me. And then also probably hard for a lot of people out there also. I just don't have any. I don't want to say I don't have trust for people anymore because I frankly, I think I have more now than I did back then. I was more skeptical and had this negative outlook and everyone's ulterior motive enough to get you and this and that. And I've just seen so much good in the world now and people that are in the hospital and out of the hospital willing to help and go above and beyond that. It's really opened my eyes to it. But when it comes down to dating, for what I've been through, I don't want to go back there. Yeah, I don't feel a need.

[Hannah]

I mean, you don't want to end up with someone like your ex wife.

[Jake Handle]

I would never rush into anything ever again. I. It's not even worth it. Do I actually know who this person is? Or are they showing me a version they want to show me? Or maybe not even version, just like a Persona that makes sense.

[Hannah]

What is bringing you joy right now in your life?

[Jake Handle]

A lot. Relationships, number one. You know, friends, family, even a stranger. Just being able to, like, go somewhere and shoot the shit at a bar, airport, whatever. I mean, you know, when you lose all abilities, voice included, and then you get it back, you just have a greater appreciation for the smaller stuff. I mean, when we met, you know, it was great. The weather was great, great view food. I love just connecting with people and going out. And I love, like, working on things, building things. Love traveling. I love seeing new places. I definitely love food. Maybe too much stability's getting a little big, you know, I mean, former chef and a lot of people have asked me, do you want to, like, go back to cooking? And never, never professionally, the answer is no. But, you know, I would cook more. When I can master cleaning up a mess without making a bigger mess, that's when I'll start doing it more and more. But I mean, a lot of things. But I would say, like, travel, relationships, building things, problem solving and helping people. And I'm fortunate that I get to. By meeting people and talking and telling my story, I get to help people. So that's really a win, win, win.

[Hannah]

Yeah. That's awesome. And you have a lot going on. I mean, you have your app Ahoy, you've got the podcast. Sounds like you've got a lot of public speaking engagements. Again, all this conversation about your voice and how important it is to you. You lost your voice for a while, and now you have your voice. Even though it's a different voice, it's your voice. And you were so insistent on keeping that to be able to tell your story, you know? So what are you doing with your voice, your story? What's in the works for you?

[Jake Handle]

Man, there's so much in the works. Just real quick on voice. Humans get better by repetition. And I've been someone from day one who just wants to tell their story. And thankfully, with that came a lot of talking to Siri and people. And luckily, my voice has. I feel very fortunate. My voice has superseded all expectations of what it could be. So what's in the works? Public speaking is ramping up. I'm speaking to kids more and more. I mean, I've never spoken to middle schoolers. Frankly, I'm more intimidated of that than a bunch of CEOs.

[Hannah]

Truly terrifying.

[Jake Handle]

A little terrifying, you know? So the speaking is really ramping up. Blink is certainly not over. My story's not over. Stay tuned to this feed. My socials follow my recovery if you want. Miracle man, no E31, all platforms. And, yeah, you know, more and more, you're gonna hear the name Jake Handle for a while. And if it's too much, just turn off and check in every once in a while.

[Hannah]

That's awesome. I'm sure everyone is really excited to see what's coming up next. And I just want to thank you so much for having me on here to ask all these questions people had. It's been such a joy to talk with you, and congratulations on everything.

[Jake Handle]

Thank you so much. Hannah. Thank you so much. Hey, folks, thanks for tuning in to the Q and A episode episodes here. Blink will be back next season is tbd, but trust me, what's coming next is big.