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- [00:05]
Alex Baskin
Welcome to Bravo's Hot Mic. I'm Alex Baskin, and I'm here with Jax Taylor. And this is the third time that you've been on this podcast, and each of them has been very different. You were just on a few months ago, and you wanted to come on today because there's something that you wanted to talk about.
- [00:27]
Jax Taylor
Yeah, this is a really, really. I've been waiting for a long time to do this. Nervous. And I felt like, you know, this was the time to do it. We have season two of the Valley coming out shortly, and I feel like sometimes, because there's so many cast members that the whole story of each person is not told, you know, fully. And I kind of wanted to come out and kind of talk about the struggles that I've been going through for a very, very long time. And I kind of wanted everyone to know, you know, this is. This is what happened. I'm kind of coming. This is tough to say, so I am coming out that I am. I'm an addict. I have substance issues, primarily with. With cocaine. Ooh, that's hard to say out loud. Yeah. I've been dealing with this for, I think, the last. On and off since I was 23, so I'm 45, so give or take, I've been. I've been. You know, there was times where I would stop doing it, but then there was times where I'd go heavy on it. I think a lot of people who've watched Vanderpump Rules over the years could kind of tell that I was on something. You know, obviously production and people. They didn't know what I was doing. Everything I was doing is on my own, but I was just, you know, on that train, and I couldn't get off. I couldn't get off. And. And people ask, you know, do you have an alcohol problem, too? I don't necessarily think I have an alcohol problem, but the two go hand in hand, so I can't do cocaine without drinking, so I just gave up both. And I'm proud to say I'm 82, 83 days sober right now, which is the longest I've ever gone in my life without either, so. Well, not my life without either. I'm sorry. This is the longest I've gone since I was 21 without. Or just going this long without anything. And it's. I gotta say, it feels really, really good. But again, I just want to let people know, like, this is a really, really tough disease, and it's a really tough sickness, and it's. It's I've been doing it for so long, and you can say hiding it, not necessarily hiding it. Lying about it forever. And I just. I just had. Enough's enough. I mean, there's. This year was probably the hardest year of my life. I would say my father's death was the hardest year until this year. I'm going through a divorce right now, which is extremely difficult. And that's when Brittany and I separated. That's when the addiction got worse. Now, I was always. Been doing it for a long time, but the addiction got worse during my. My divorce, during my separation. I. I literally lost control. You know, I kind of. I think at a point hit rock bottom. And, you know, I had to go to. To rehab. That's kind of where we're at right now. And then I got out. Obviously, here we are. But, yeah, that's.
- [03:30]
Alex Baskin
Yeah, that's a lot.
- [03:31]
Jax Taylor
That's a lot. I mean, there. We'll get into more.
- [03:33]
Alex Baskin
Yeah.
- [03:33]
Jax Taylor
I mean, I just want to stop there for a second.
- [03:35]
Alex Baskin
Yeah.
- [03:35]
Jax Taylor
Okay.
- [03:36]
Alex Baskin
Yeah. No, Right.
- [03:36]
Jax Taylor
No. I've never said this in my life, so. So to come out and say that I have an addiction, that I have a sickness that I'm. That I have to work on the rest of my life is a really big deal for me. Obviously, I think people have known that there's something out, but for me to say it out, come out of my mouth is. It's like. It's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Huge.
- [03:53]
Alex Baskin
Good. And I know that you've wanted to be able to say this, but I know that you've also struggled saying it out loud.
- [03:59]
Jax Taylor
Yeah, because I didn't think anybody would, like. I think I would just say it, and then I wouldn't really work on it. I think I've worked really, really hard on my sobriety. You know, it didn't happen the first time. It happened the second time. What I mean by that is I had to go to rehab twice, and we'll get into that later. But, yeah, it's just a sickness. It's a disease, and it's something that I have to work on for the rest of my life.
- [04:28]
Alex Baskin
Unfortunately, I want to focus to begin with on the second rehab stent. And we'll get into the first as well. What prompted you to get help the second time?
- [04:41]
Jax Taylor
You know, I got a lot out of it the first time. And then when I was out, I was like, okay, I can get this. There was an incident. Brittany and I were actually on their way to a doctor's appointment for Our son. And her phone was connected to my car, and a man's name came up, and it just triggered me. I did slip after the first incident, and I was. I did take substance the night before. And the next day is always the worst when you're after this. The next day is the worst. I. I lost it. I. I went crazy in the car, you know, yelling. And the worst part about all of this, and this is why I checked myself in, is that my son was in the back seat. And that's when I knew. I'm like, I have. I have a problem. It's still there. It's still there. Like, I was very aware. I was yelling. And then I turned my head and I see my son back there. I'm just like. This was just utter disgust. Utter disgust. And Brittany was like, you need to go back. And I didn't even put up a fight, like, the first time. I kind of put up a little bit of a fight. This one. I was like, you're right. You're right. I didn't put up a fight. I'm like, I gotta. I gotta go back.
- [05:44]
Alex Baskin
And then Brittany reached out to a few people, including Laurie, your publicist, Ryan, your manager, and me. We talked about the incident. You agreed to go. And this was over the holidays. Right? So it was a very dark time for you.
- [05:58]
Jax Taylor
I. I got out. Yeah, it was, man. It was a very, very dark time. Yeah. I mean, again, worst year of my life. I can't even tell you. I got out. I didn't stay the full time. I ended up staying 17 days. I felt like, for me, that was enough. I was like, you know what? Another 14 is not going to do anything. I know that. I'm good. I'm okay. I just needed to kick back and be like, okay, for a second. I just needed to, like, okay, remember why you were here the first time. You're back here for a second, regroup, and then get back out there. And I felt when I hit the 17th day, I'm like, you know what? I'm here. I'm done. I won't do it again. You won't touch. I'm done. I made a mistake. And I felt like it was the right decision for me at the time to leave right then. I was there on my own. I wasn't forced to be there, but I felt myself that I was ready to go.
- [06:46]
Alex Baskin
I want to touch on a few things there. So first is when you got the diagnosis. So when you were told at the facility, look, this is. This is like, did you know, going in that you were going in for addiction, did you think you were going in for behavior?
- [07:02]
Jax Taylor
Because all of it. All of it. I was going to get to the bottom of it now when myself and my manager and Lori, we all kind of came together and researched where I was going to go. I have such a great, great team, and we say, hey, listen, this is the best place for you, because it kind of talks about everything. Mental health, substance abuse, drug addiction, all that stuff. You're going everything out of this. And that's kind of what I needed because I personally don't think that drugs and alcohol are the problem for anybody. There's issues there that people. You. There's issues with their lives, and then people use to kind of mask the issues that they're going through. I'm a firm believer in drugs and alcohol are never the problem. People just don't fix their problems. So they. They're too lazy. And then they use drugs and alcohol to mask their issues instead of fixing things. And that's was the problem. So I was in therapy the first time. 30 days, seven hours of therapy a day for six days a week. I mean, it's intense. It's intense. And then you see doctors, and then you go to therapy, and then you go to personal therapy, then you go to group therapy, then you break for lunch, then you go for a walk, and then they allow you to go to the gym once a day, and there's a nurse that follows you to the gym. Like, this was just utterly embarrassing for me because I'm going to Crunch gym, which is a very big gym, and people know who I am, and they're kind of looking at me, but they also see this nurse walking next to me. So it was like. It was tough. It was very, very. It broke me down. I got a lot out of it. Yes, yes, I did. I did slip when I got out the first time, but I learned so much the first time. It was my fault.
- [08:25]
Alex Baskin
Well, you weren't sober the first time. Right?
- [08:27]
Jax Taylor
The first time I went through, I stayed sober for, I think, like a week after, a week or two after, then I started slowly going back into the game again. And I thought, okay, I can handle this. I can handle it now. I got a grip on it because.
- [08:41]
Alex Baskin
You were really, at the time grappling with the bipolar diagnosis.
- [08:45]
Jax Taylor
So we'll get into that. So when I went in, I've always known something is wrong with me. I'm a very stubborn guy. I don't go to the doctor. I'm like, My dad, I don't go to the doctor unless my arm's falling off. I'll just put some bleach on it, you know, I just, I refuse to go to the doctor for anything. I refuse to accept anything. I'm one of those guys, like, if I have cancer, don't tell me. Like, I don't want to know. And for years I've known. Everybody's told me, jack, something's fucking wrong with you. You're not all there, you know. And you know, when my marriage was getting, that's been tough a lot. But my marriage was getting really bad towards the last three years. Brittany's like, you need to go get some help. You need to figure out what is wrong with you. And, you know, just to kind of get her off my back, I went to a physician, not somebody who's, who is studied in therapy. I just went to my family physician. I go, listen, my wife thinks I'm depressed. I am a little bit depressed. Can I have some medication for it? Sure. She just gave it to me. There was no diagnosis.
- [09:42]
Alex Baskin
I just wasn't psychiatrist.
- [09:43]
Jax Taylor
I self diagnosed myself. I'm like, something's got to be wrong with it. I'm probably just depressed, which is true. I was very sad. A lot happened. Covid, pregnant, I lost my job. A lot was going on during the time of me going to see that doctor, lost my job, going through Covid and I didn't know I was gonna do for money. My wife was pregnant. I was depressed. And so in my head I'm like, that's it, I'm depressed. Doctor, give me some, something for depression. Oh, here's some Lexapro. Went on Lexapro, didn't do anything. I. And this was all going on. I was taking it while before, before I was going into rehab. And then when I went into the facility and they broke me down, the doctors were like, let's go over your symptoms. Sitting there, symptoms, symptom. They're like, you're not depressed, you're bipolar. They're like, what are you on right now? I'm like, I'm on Lexapro and it's making me even angrier. They're like, you need to get off that, that's not for you. We have something for you. You're definitely, you're definitely bipolar to A T. Bipolar 2, it's called. And you definitely suffer from, you know, obsessive compulsive disorder, which I do. So we're going to get you on new medication. And I gotta say, since for the first time in my 45 years of life because I have severe anger issues, too severe to the point where, like, I literally have no patience for anything or anyone. And I don't like people. And if things aren't going my way, I'm gonna get pissed off. It's just the way I was. I've been like that forever. And I would. You know, I've done it with my friends, my family, everyone. I fly off the handle. So for the first time, taking this, finally getting on this medication, I was like, oh. I mean, it took a week or two to get in, but I was in the facility, so I had no reason to get mad. But I was like, wow. Like, I just let things roll off my back. I've never in my life just, like, let things roll off my back, be okay with certain things not going my way. Like, usually when things don't go my way, I get really angry and I take it out on my friends or my family. Yeah, the anger issues that I have was insane. Like, I would before I was on the medication. And the reason I would take it out on Britney is, unfortunately, she's the one I come home to at night, right? So during the day. And, like, I would leave, you know, drive through the day. If I go to the grocery store, somebody pissed me off at the grocery store. Somebody pissed me off at the dmv. Somebody cut me off. Right. And instead of solving those problems in the moment and being okay with it, I would store all this anger up throughout the day. And then, guess what? I go home for dinner, and who's in my. Who's in my target line? Brittany. She didn't do anything. I'm just so angry with my anger issues that I would just take it out on her. And it was not fair. And I knew what I was doing. Now, mind you, that the drugs were affecting me, too, at the same time, and that people don't know. With cocaine, the next day is the worst. Like, you. It's. You feel, like, absolute. Like you feel at the bottom of the barrel. You have zero serotonin. You are just angry and depressed. Everybody, anybody who's done cocaine will tell you that the next day is brutal. It's weird. Why we do it for two hours of fun in the next 48 hours is misery. But we do it. And unfortunately, and the only time that Brittany and I really have ever gotten angry is the next day after a bender. For me, that's the only time I've ever had a shouting match. I've never done a sober shouting match with Brittany ever. But unfortunately I was doing drugs so much that it was a lot, right.
- [12:42]
Alex Baskin
And that your, your natural irritability would turn into outright anger.
- [12:46]
Jax Taylor
So I already have anger issues without the cocaine. Then you throw cocaine on there, then you throw alcohol on there, then you throw Lexapro on there. This was a fucking recipe for disaster. Like all these things, you know what I'm saying? So I don't know what was going on, taking all that shit. It was not doing well.
- [13:03]
Alex Baskin
Okay, so you have the 30 day stay the first time around, which is over the summer. You get out, you have a diagnosis that helps you because you at least you know what you're dealing with. You're on medication. What led to then the second stay? We talked about the blow up, but what were the conditions that.
- [13:23]
Jax Taylor
The second stay? Yeah, the conditions. They let me kind of do it my way the first day. Like they say, listen, with the facility, and this is a California law, people kept asking me, how come you're allowed to have your phones in the facility? And people were very shocked that I can have. They're like, it's a state law that they're not allowed. Because everyone's like, why are you allowed to have your phone? It's a state, California law. You are not allowed to take away a person's phone. You're not. So obviously my team, they knew off the beginning for the first time, they were like, he should not be having his phone. He should not be having his phone. And they're like, there's nothing we can do. It's the law. So after the first three days, they took it away. Then they gave it to me after that. And that was. I think the problem is, is I wasn't fully invested the first time. I felt like, you know what, I can get through this. Let's just buy the time, whatever. Let's just make people happy. Please, everybody. I'll get what I have to say out of here and get the out of here. Like, I just wasn't taking as seriously. I should have, I should have never used my phone. I should have put my phone away and I'm paying all this money to be here. Let's get something out of it. Let's use this fucking place and learn about yourself and try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you.
- [14:29]
Alex Baskin
And when you got out too. This will be on the show this season. You were repeatedly saying when you were asked about what your takeaway was from being there. I'm not an addict. My drug of choice is anger.
- [14:42]
Jax Taylor
I didn't think at that time that I was an addict. Now it's one of those things, like, if you hear any addiction, right, I'm not the problem, you are. I'm not the problem, you are. I, I blame everybody else but myself. That's a token addict move. So when I got out, I'm like, I got a hold of this. I'm strong, man. I'm, you know, I. Okay, good, I'll stop. And then a week went by and then I'm like, oh, okay, one drink's not gonna do anything, right? And like, the drinking wasn't the problem. I have two drinks and I'm good. But after that two drinks, I'm looking for a bag of cocaine. Yeah. So that's why people say, well, if drinking's not the problem, then why. But both go hand in hand. So I had to stop. But so to get back to the stay, why I took the second stay a little bit differently is because Lori and Ryan came to, okay, now we're going to do it my way. We did it your way the first time. Clearly that didn't work. We're going to do it our way this time. We're going to talk to the therapist every day. You're going to have our phone numbers. You're not going to be on your phone. You're going to be doing this. You're going to do it our way. Like, you know, So I think the second time they were kind of like, okay, this, it's our turn now to tell you how this is going to go.
- [15:42]
Alex Baskin
Why not stay the full time? Why leave after 17 days?
- [15:46]
Jax Taylor
I just, I felt like I should, to be honest. I could have left sooner, but I just felt like the second time around I was in there and I'm like, okay, okay. I just, I needed a little bit of a. I, I felt. It's like I learned to ride a bike, you know, and I was doing good and then I fell and I, I just, I needed a little bit of. I needed to go back just to be like maybe a little bit of a humble piece. Maybe a little, a piece of like, okay, listen, this, this problem, this addiction, this sickness is bigger than you think it is. I know you think you're a man and you can control it all and you're this, but you can't. This is why you're back here, because this drug is bigger than you are and you need to take it seriously and you need to not half ass it. And I was like, you're right, you're right. And I. I dug deep and I took over, like, the groups in therapy. I. I tried to be a mentor to some people, and I loved it. The second time, I was really a little bit more into it because I was a little bit more like, man, I was just fucking here. It was embarrassing, but then I. I used it. I'm like, I just left this place literally a month ago, and I'm already back. It's embarrassing, but I use that as a. Like, even somebody like me, you know, who on paper has it all. I do. I'm very fortunate. I have a healthy child, I have a healthy wife. I had a house. I have everything going, and I still found a way to fuck it up. And I think that was important because most people that are in rehab don't have anything to lose. I had a lot to lose. So people were looking up to me. They're like, wow, this guy's got it all. What the fuck is he doing? We don't have anything and we're doing this. We get it, you know? So I think people were liking that a little bit.
- [17:13]
Alex Baskin
What have you done since you left to maintain your sobriety? Because obviously, as the cliche goes for a reason, one day at a time.
- [17:22]
Jax Taylor
It is extremely one day at a time. It is. It's. You know, the big thing here is, is my son. He is my drive. He's my number one driver for this. I just, like, I said, I can't do it anymore. It's. It's like, I'm 45 years old. Like, there's got to be a point where you're like, dude, enough's enough. You had your fun. You, you know, you had a good time. You. You didn't. You're still alive. It's time to get out while you're ahead, basically. And I said, listen, obviously I'm not the type of person who can have one drink and be okay. It's just not in my cards. I had to stop. I was going to lose, you know, custody. You know, I'm embarrassing my. My. I guess you can call my ex wife. I'm embarrassing myself. Nobody's looking at me. Seriously. They're like, I'll just. Here he goes again. So. And I want to do it for myself. Like, I can kick this. I can do it. Is it hard sometimes? Yes. But I think how I look at it is the next day, how am I going to feel the next day? How am I going to feel the next day? Like, for instance, you know, there was an event at my bar last night, and People are always like, we don't want to drink around you. I'm like, don't, please drink around me. I don't. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me and be like, oh, we don't want to drink. Because I used to make fun of the guys that were like me, and now I want people to enjoy, have. I have to get used to that. And if people just walk around on eggshells, no one's going to want to hang out with me. It's like, oh, we don't want to. Want to bring the sober guy. He kind of is a Debbie Downer. And I'm not. I still have fun. You know, I just switch over to Celsius now and that's about it. Or, you know, I have a cup of coffee. But, yeah, I don't mind people drinking in front of me. It hasn't bothered me. And I'm still doing events and I still do appearances and like that. But I'm very regimented now. Like, I go do my appearances and I'll take some pictures with people after, and I go right to my hotel. As before. I would wander around, end up meeting fans at a bar, drinking 25 shots, doing shots with every table that's no more, right?
- [19:13]
Alex Baskin
Which, I mean, leads to nothing good.
- [19:15]
Jax Taylor
Nothing good. And it's just. It's a catastrophe. Like you, I'm just a people pleaser and I just want to make sure everybody has a good time. And I'm like, okay, I'll do a shot, I'll do a shot. But it's. It's caused my mental health to be fucked.
- [19:27]
Alex Baskin
Tell me about what coming out with this means in terms of accountability. Because obviously there's no hiding. There's going to be a lot of scrutiny when you do go to bars going forward, which you do regularly because you own one, you have the business, and also you make a lot of appearances. All eyes will be on you. What does that mean to you?
- [19:47]
Jax Taylor
I kind of turned this appearance thing around about, not only part of the show, we like to answer questions about the show and all that, but I've kind of turned it into mental health and sobriety. You know, I talk about it now a lot. Instead of talking about, okay, you know, tea and everything going on, I kind of turn around and be like, I was struggling during this time. I've been on substance and this is how I got around it. So I'm using now these appearances is almost like I'm doing a lecture, you know, I'm Turning it around. Instead of gossiping about Sheena, Lala or Kristen or whatever, I'm kind of like, hey, I'm turning it. Like, this is what I was going through. I was struggling. I'm using this as therapy for me. I feel like this is what I was meant to do. And I love talking about it. I love kind of being vulnerable about it. I've never in my life until right now, till today have been completely honest with my sobriety or with my addiction. Never, never, never. I've always leave things out like, oh, I, you know, I never gave you the full story. This is the full story. And I'm really happy about it. I'm really excited about it. But it's, it's still a very, very. I'm very new in this sobriety thing. I'm what, 82, 83 days sober right now? Something like that. And it's going to take a lot of work. It's going to take a lot of work.
- [20:58]
Alex Baskin
What work are you doing to ensure your continued sobriety?
- [21:01]
Jax Taylor
Right now? I'm going to therapy. I go to therapy once a week. Probably should be going a little bit more. I'm going to be getting ready to do. I'm going to. I think I'm going to start trying to do a little bit of outpatient. I'm okay right now, but I need to maybe double up a little bit and do a little bit of outpatient. I check in with a therapist once a week. I go to therapy on Mondays. I'm drug tested every week. And that's something that I chose to do. I, I'm the one that chose to do that. And I'm also, you know, I want the results, which is a, it's a big HIPAA law on certain, these kind of things. But I said, you know what? I need to be held accountable. I want to be drug tested every Monday. I want you to text my ex wife every Monday with the results. I want you to text my team every Monday with the results. And they're like, are you sure you want to do this? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I will be here every 9 o'clock every Monday morning and I'll be testing because it makes me feel better. It makes me so, like, if I have this idea to slip, I'll be like, I'm going to be tested on Monday. I'm going to lose my job.
- [21:59]
Alex Baskin
It's accountability.
- [21:59]
Jax Taylor
It's accountability.
- [22:00]
Alex Baskin
Yeah.
- [22:00]
Jax Taylor
And if I didn't have this accountability, then I would slip again. I've said this many times my whole life. I'VE been given wiggle room my whole life. I've been put on a pedestal. I'm the golden child in my family. I've never been. It was always a slap on the wrist. I've never gotten in trouble for really anything, you know, and people just would say, oh, it's Jax. I mean, you know, over the years, oh, it's Jax. Oh, it's just Jax. Whatever.
- [22:22]
Alex Baskin
Well, you're good at getting away with things.
- [22:23]
Jax Taylor
I. I got away with things, but this is something that I can't get away with anymore. I can't. It's gonna kill me. It's not if, it's when.
- [22:31]
Alex Baskin
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, everyone around you has been concerned about this for a while.
- [22:38]
Jax Taylor
Yeah.
- [22:39]
Alex Baskin
Let's talk about your relationship with Brittany.
- [22:42]
Jax Taylor
Oh, okay.
- [22:44]
Alex Baskin
Obviously. Obviously. That's a. A loaded question. Where are you guys now?
- [22:51]
Jax Taylor
I don't know. Did you talk to her today? Last night. You did?
- [22:54]
Alex Baskin
I did. I did. Yeah.
- [22:55]
Jax Taylor
We had a little bit of a blow up last night. It's. I mean, she's probably laughing. It's literally, it's daily. It changes. One day she's happy, one day she's mad. One day she's happy, one day she's mad. I never know what I'm gonna get with her. I walk on eggshells constantly, every day as I should. I just want her to know that I'm really, really trying. I did. I'm doing everything she's asked. The rehab, the therapy, the drug testing, the getting help. I take care of my son as much as she allows me to. I am. You know, I don't know what else she wants from me. You know, I'm doing everything that she's asked for and. And just because I. I respect her and I. And I. I want to make her happy. I don't want her to be like, well, you're not even trying. I'm going above and beyond to show her that I do care. And I want to be in my son's life. And I also want to be in your life to some extent, you know, I. I want to be there for you. That's why I moved a mile away. I could have moved anywhere I want in Hollywood, right? But when I moved, I wanted to be a five minute drive in case you needed me. I wanted to always be there for you, whether or not, you know, you like me or not. You can always call me for anything. Even if when you start dating and being with somebody, I'll always still be there. I wanted her to see that. Yeah. We still have hiccups. You know, I. I still do stuff that pisses her off. I'm not a perfect human being. I'm nowhere near it. So I'm still going to have, you know, incidents where I make her mad. It will never be with drinking or drugs again. But what happened was, is. So you have this hose, right? And there's holes in it. I patched one hole with the drinking and the alcohol, but now another hole opened. So, you know, and I'll get into that other hole in a second. But to answer your first question, it's. It's going. It's going day by day right now. It's. It's going to take a lot of time. Anybody who's gone through a divorce knows that to kind of rekindle or patch a relationship up with your ex is very, very difficult. There's a lot of animosity. There's a lot of hurt, especially by me. There's a lot of things that have gone on. I just want to get to a place where we're good, like. And I'm the type of person, like, how can we fix this now? How can I fix this? I don't want time. And this is going to be one of those things that takes time, and I'm just not. It's driving me crazy because I just want to fix the problem.
- [25:00]
Alex Baskin
Yeah. I mean, she's been through a lot with you, and, you know, I think.
- [25:04]
Jax Taylor
It'S safe to say we kind of been through a lot with each other. Yes, I've got a lot of problem, a lot of issues, but, you know, we haven't been getting along for a very, very long time, and it takes two to argue. Can't argue by yourself. You know, I think we just have been unhappy with our marriage for a long time, and I think we were just kind of sweeping it under the rug and not talking about why we're unhappy. We were just kind of going through the motions. And I think it really came to a head last season on the show. I don't. I think without even saying it is. When we did the hotel stay and she brought up having another baby, and I was kind of like, I was more about. Interested in talking about maybe we should even stay together. You're talking about having another child. Like, I didn't say it with that, but I said it with my eyes, more or less. I was just like, you're kidding me, right? Like, and I was just. I look back at it now, like, gosh, what if we would have had another kid? I'M like, God, like thank God, you know, like. So, yeah, our relationship has been struggling for a very, very long time. And I am the type of person that this is. I'm a self sabotager. And instead of being a man and going and saying, listen, you know, Brittany, I don't think this relationship is going where it needs to go, we need to end or whatever. Instead I'm too much of a pussy in my, in my head. And I'm. I'll just get angry and fight and make her leave me so I don't.
- [26:26]
Alex Baskin
Have to do it.
- [26:26]
Jax Taylor
And that's what I did. I was get constantly go out. I would constantly go on benders. I would constantly come home hungover or drunk or the next day and start a war hoping that she would leave me because I'm too much of an idiot.
- [26:39]
Alex Baskin
Then you wouldn't be the bad guy.
- [26:40]
Jax Taylor
Then I wouldn't be the bad guy. But then again, I'm the bad guy, of course. So anyway, regardless. But I've been like that with, with pretty much every girlfriend that I've had. I'll do something stupid so they break up with me. And that's was the same situation. Yeah.
- [26:52]
Alex Baskin
What do you want to say to her? What do you want her to know or understand maybe that she can't hear right now?
- [27:00]
Jax Taylor
I think she knows that I am a good person. Down deep. I think down very, very, very, very deep. I just think that. I just want her to know that I do love her. I think she's an amazing person. I think she's a great mother. I just think our time is up. I will always be there for her. No matter what. No matter what she says to me, no matter how much she wants to kill me, no matter anything, I will always be there. Because I know the next day she'll be okay. She's just angry in the moment. We had a great 10 years together. We had. That's a decade. That's a long time in our world. And you know, unfortunately, it had to come to an end. But I think we can beat the system. I think we can be like, you know what? We had a great 10 years. You're a piece of shit husband, but you're a great father. And you're always there for me. That's what I wanted to say.
- [27:45]
Alex Baskin
Well, it seems like you guys have both arrived at the conclusion that you're better off not together.
- [27:50]
Jax Taylor
Almost.
- [27:51]
Alex Baskin
It helps to know that because then when you guys are spending time together, you're not wondering what if.
- [27:56]
Jax Taylor
Yeah. And it's. It's like you're walking on eggshells with each other. I get that question asked a lot. Do you think you'll ever end up back with Brittany? And I'm like, unfortunately, no. I. You know, it would be just a ticking time, mom, for the next fight.
- [28:09]
Alex Baskin
So you mentioned the garden hose analogy, and you said that the drugs and alcohol were two of the holes. You said, there's something else. What's the other hole?
- [28:20]
Jax Taylor
I'm a very insecure human being. Like, I said the hose was. I patched the drugs and the alcohol. We put tape around it, we put a clamp on it. That's good. But now we have pressure from somewhere else, right? So now I'm trying to fill a void and I'm looking for approval. I need approval from other people. Females, Right. I'm constantly seeking approval. I'm constantly looking for attention. I'm constantly making sure that I still got it. I guess whatever you call. I have a hard time just sitting in my own skin.
- [28:52]
Alex Baskin
Is that just your insecurity that you need?
- [28:54]
Jax Taylor
It's insecurity. It's everything. I mean, during my separation, when it was at the bottom of the barrel, and even currently now, I would just text random girls, who the hell will come over? Who's available? I'm just going to go down my roster, just call anybody. I don't even care who they were, who come over, telling them, like, things that I didn't mean to say. Like just stuff that were, like, sexual. Just the most absurd things that I would tell these people to get them to come over, to get them to hang out, to come over and basically just float my ego. And. And I would do that. And I got to fix that. That's a. That's a problem. Because I'm. I'm constantly looking for somebody to fill that void. Doesn't matter who it is, you know, and it's become a problem. I gotta fix that. I gotta be careful. I gotta figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin. And I'm having a hard time doing that. And like I said, I fixed this one huge problem, but I opened up another problem. And I'm trying to. I guess I have to keep myself very busy because when I start getting in my head, that's when that starts to happening. I don't know what you want to call that. It's what kind of problem that is. When you're constantly looking for approval from people, what would you call that? I mean, and not people. Like, I'm constantly looking for approval from females.
- [30:09]
Alex Baskin
Right.
- [30:09]
Jax Taylor
Yeah. And to be honest, like, it's disgusting. It's really disgusting. When you think about it, you're like, why do you need to call all these people? And like, I was so hurt and angry. It got really bad when I found out that Britney was hooking up with my friend Julian. Okay. Two weeks after we separated. Two weeks. So I knew in my head that she's been definitely texting him prior because nobody hooks up with somebody that fast, especially a friend of mine. So when I heard that, obviously, and that's was at my low, that's when I was doing all the drugs and drinking. Now I amped it up even more. So I was doing a little bit. I was probably doing it maybe a couple times a week. Now I upped it up to three to four times a week. Right. And now I'm even more in my head. So I'm like, I'm going to call every girl I know. I. I am going to hurt her to the T. I am going to literally sleep with whoever I can find. I didn't even think in my head. You know what didn't come to my head is scary. I'm a fucking father. Yeah, I'm a father. Why couldn't I just think, Jack, stop for a second. You're a dad. You can't do this like you're a father. What is your son going to think? I didn't care. I was so into the drugs and the alcohol and I was so into. I was so upset that she hooked up with my friend. Which is ironic because what have I done over the years? I hooked up with my friends, girlfriends too.
- [31:18]
Alex Baskin
You have a storied history.
- [31:19]
Jax Taylor
I have a story history. I can't be that angry about it. But it happened to me. So hurt.
- [31:23]
Alex Baskin
And then you wanted her to feel the way that you did.
- [31:25]
Jax Taylor
I wanted her to feel the way I did. Like I. And I was like, okay, who can I call again? Going through the list of girls, I'm just going to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whoever I want. Careless, reckless, didn't care. I didn't care because like I said, between the drugs, the alcohol, the anger not being healthy, the lack of sleep, it was bad. It was like a. It's like one of those movies that you see where like the rock stars just off his off, you know, I just didn't have a care in the world. I was so defeated, you know, Even though I wanted Britney to leave me, like that was the whole goal. And then it happened. You're like, shit, yeah. This is not what I thought it was gonna be like. You know, I'm not as happy as I thought I was gonna be.
- [32:08]
Alex Baskin
Well, you were still processing it, too.
- [32:10]
Jax Taylor
And then when it's your friend, like, I can only imagine how Tom Sandoval felt when I did this. Like, you know, and I. In my brain at those times, I just was like, why? Why do you care? So it was just like, he. I don't know.
- [32:20]
Alex Baskin
By the way, he got over it.
- [32:21]
Jax Taylor
He got over it, you know, like. And I did that to him. And. And let's be honest, I did it to Brittany, too. With Faith?
- [32:28]
Alex Baskin
Yeah.
- [32:28]
Jax Taylor
It was her friend.
- [32:30]
Alex Baskin
Yeah.
- [32:30]
Jax Taylor
So when I look back on it and people are like, how, you know you did it, too? I'm like, you're right. I did do it, too. I did. I did. That's why I can't be that angry. But I'm just. I think it's my ego. My ego gets in the way of everything. Everything.
- [32:43]
Alex Baskin
Well, and I think there's a difference between wanting her to leave you so that you didn't end the marriage and then also being hurt that she was moving on. Especially when it was with your friend.
- [32:55]
Jax Taylor
Yeah.
- [32:55]
Alex Baskin
There are two different things.
- [32:56]
Jax Taylor
There are two different things. I didn't necessarily think they were gonna date or anything like that. It just, you know, it hurt me because we were talking. We were talking a couple months after we separated. We would still hang out, and she said she wasn't dating anybody. And I found out by looking at her phone, I saw that she was texting this guy Julian. And then I found out from. From Brittany's friends that it was. Been going on for months. And that's when I was just, like. I didn't even see it. Like, I got played at my own game. Like, I was, like, tasting my own medicine for the first time.
- [33:28]
Alex Baskin
You got jaxed.
- [33:29]
Jax Taylor
I got jaxed. That's the best way to put it right there. I got jaxed. I've never been. That's never happened to me before. I've never been on the other end of that, so I didn't know how to handle it. So what do you do? Jump back into drugs and alcohol?
- [33:40]
Alex Baskin
Well, you were in a bad state of mind. That is what immediately led to your first stint in the facility.
- [33:47]
Jax Taylor
Yeah. One night I. I saw. I saw that message in her phone from another guy. Thank God. My son was upstairs in his room. Thank God. But I went crazy. And I was just like, how could this happen? And I now, in retrospect, I look back and be like, why were you so mad at this? You deserved it. But I was saw red, mind you. I was doing drugs, drinking in those days. At that time, I didn't care. I was angry. I mean, show me any guy that wouldn't be pissed off that his wife is hooking up with his friend, you know, this guy I brought into my circle, who I took care of, who I brought, got a manager who I introduced him to my friends, I took him under my wing, I took him to games and all this other stuff, coming to my bar, he was hooking up with her and still coming to my bar at the same time. I had no idea. And so a guy like me with the ego as big as this room, that happening to me as a recipe for disaster, you just poke the bear. Kristen used to say this to me all the time, don't poke the bear. Dodie always says that. And she was right. You don't poke me. And I lost it.
- [34:52]
Alex Baskin
Well, and obviously ego and insecurity are two sides of the same coin.
- [34:56]
Jax Taylor
So I think those are my biggest, you know, alcohol and drugs, I think for now are. It's the. That they're. I quieted them. My sayings over. No, but I quieted them. Now the ego and insecurity is up here now. That's my issue. Now I have a huge ego and insecurity problem.
- [35:10]
Alex Baskin
So what do you do about that?
- [35:11]
Jax Taylor
Therapy. It's therapy. That's not a drug. There's nothing I can take for that. There's no pill, magic pill I can take for that, like bipolar or whatever else. This is something that I'm going to have to work on because it's been ingrained in my head for so long. Mind you, I've been in this industry since I was 20 years old. I'm 45. Right. I've been told my whole life that you are good looking. You're this. You go to the best parties, you go to like. I started modeling, I was in New York, Milan, Paris, Australia, Chicago. Runway modeling. Being in this fake bubble, right, where nobody thinks you're pretty and you're perfect and you're good looking. You're like, you're putting in this capsule, right, for so long where you can do nothing wrong and you're judged basically on your looks. How do you think how insecure I am? Like, you know, you come to a big city like New York, in, in la, right now you're in a melting. I was always the best looking place wherever I went. Now you throw me in a melting pot with New York and la, now everybody's good looking right here, right now. Everyone's egos are going to get bruised. Now everyone. Like, I have to go on auditions. I never had to audition before. I just get the job now I got to go against other people. And then your ego gets, you know, deflated. Why am I not good looking enough? What do I have to do? Do I have to go work hard in the gym? Do I have to not eat? Do I have to this so that constantly, for so long, in trying to give myself an image that I had to look the part for? It fucking wore on me. It wore on me. It would wear on anybody. Constantly being told how to look, what to do, and, you know, going to fancy dinners and free this and free that. Like, it's not a real life. It's not real. It's a bubble. And I used to come home and I used to visit my mom and dad. They're like, that life you live, like, what is that? Like, do you work? Do you have a paycheck? How do you live? You're constantly at parties and this and that. Like, my dad would never understand it. And I'm like, it's fine, dad. It's fine. It's fine. That was my life. And then it, it, you know, it never really stopped because even with, you know, vanderpump and all that, you know, again, it even. It got bigger. Like, I was already doing good. And then you get on this hit show and you just want to ride the wave, man. It's fun. And nobody's telling me, no, we're having fun, we're having a good time. I think for the most part. Now I look back, I wasn't. But I thought for the most part, I was keeping a lot of it under the radar. But clearly I wasn't. When I watched back, I'm like, jesus, how big are my fucking pupils? Like, I'm sweating. There's no reason to be sweating in the scene. Why am I sweating?
- [37:28]
Alex Baskin
There were some signs.
- [37:29]
Jax Taylor
Yeah, there was some differently signs. And, like, they did pull me aside a couple times and say, hey, listen, calm down on, you know, they didn't know, but they were like, if you're. They thought I was drinking too much. Like, relax on the drinking. Relax.
- [37:40]
Alex Baskin
Yeah. I mean, that's the hard thing on sort of, on behalf of production is, you know, what you see.
- [37:46]
Jax Taylor
Well, yeah, but they, they weren't like, they weren't supplying us. I would go off on my own. Like, we would film a scene and like, Jax, you have 30 minutes. Downtime, right. So most people go rest. I would go to a bar, get lit or go next door from Sir. There was a Mexican restaurant. That's where we all went. Because we weren't allowed to drink during scenes. Tortilla Republic, they frown. Tortilla Republic. During the filming days, they all front, like, no drinking. No drinking during this. During this. Like, certain times we go to parties, sure. But we're doing important scenes. They were like, stay away from that. But we'd all sneak in the back alley or we would all go to Tortilla Republic. Christian would have a flask. Stassi would have a flask. We would be in there getting ripped before a scene was going. Nobody knew where we were. There's ways around it, you know, we're not trying to make things better. But before we were filming, we would do this anyway. So now you are basically telling us this, okay, we can't drink as much as you guys have been drinking. You guys need to pipe down. We're like, no, we're used to drinking all day, so we need to find a way to do it. That's how we cope with working at SIR and loving our job. And it's fun. It's like, this is why it's fun. If we can't drink, then this sucks. Makes working at a restaurant boring at that. Especially sir, you know. So we found ways to do it. And I don't know where I'm going with the story, but.
- [38:53]
Alex Baskin
Well, this was also not, you know, the best wait staff of all time.
- [38:57]
Jax Taylor
We were very skilled. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, God, not really why anyone was there. It was the most bizarre staff. Nobody was good. Kristen was good.
- [39:04]
Alex Baskin
Kristen was the only good. So Sandoval was a good bartender.
- [39:07]
Jax Taylor
Yeah, they were very, very good. But they would, like, there would be full meltdowns in the restaurant, like, about their. Like, people are waiting for their steak and Kristen would be going crying her eyes out because Tom did something, whatever, and be like, I'm sorry, are we, like, full, like, drama while people are waiting for their food? And this is before we were filming the show, by the way.
- [39:25]
Alex Baskin
Well, that was. That's like whenever I'm asked, like, you know, is everybody really like that? Yeah. Real life and like, more so.
- [39:30]
Jax Taylor
More so. Yeah. I feel like we toned it down a lot, to be honest.
- [39:33]
Alex Baskin
I agree.
- [39:34]
Jax Taylor
I feel like it was like, wait, can we. I'm like, we tone down what. This is how we are. Yeah. What do you want us to tone down?
- [39:39]
Alex Baskin
Oh, totally.
- [39:40]
Jax Taylor
Like, no, this is. If you want real life, this Is the real.
- [39:44]
Alex Baskin
Who of your friends are you leaning on right now? Who's been there for you?
- [39:51]
Jax Taylor
I lean on Jason a lot. I try to lean on Tom Schwartz as much as I can. He's got a lot of stuff going on in his life.
- [39:58]
Alex Baskin
He gets leaned on a lot.
- [39:59]
Jax Taylor
He does. And he's kind of going through his own thing. So I don't really open up a lot to him, but I do. I have a friend, his name is JM that I, he's sober. I, I, I'm kind of gravitating to people that are, are sober and kind of, kind of, you know, if I have an issue, I'll give him a call. I'll be like, hey, for instance, like the super bowl was my, my big test. Going to my bar for the Super Bowl. I was like, okay, can I do this? Can I do this? I'm going to be okay. I know I'm not eager to drink, but I've never been around that many drunk people since I've been sober and not being, and not being sober. So I showed up to the super bowl party, right? People are getting up, eating hot wings, whatever. I'm in the corner eating a salad bowl. Like, I'm like the only one at Super Bowl Sunday that's literally completely sober eating a salad. Like, I really even took a picture of it. Like, this is the new me. But it was okay. I got up a little bit at times and I was a little bit. I would step outside. I didn't really realize how much drinking and drugs paid a huge role in my life. I'm still learning because I've been doing it for so long. And drinking and drugs gives me, it gives me a superpower, if that makes any sense. I can, it doesn't. I can talk to everybody. I'm the life easily. I can socialize. I can be the Jackson. Everybody knows whether they like me or not, they get this Persona of Jax Taylor. And I feel like now I've been off, I'm relearning myself because I feel like I'm very anti social now. I'm trying to, I'm worried that people aren't going to like me as much as they're not going to get the same guy that maybe they like that.
- [41:31]
Alex Baskin
You won't be able to perform.
- [41:31]
Jax Taylor
I won't be able to perform. I felt like the best way to put it, and I've said this before, I felt like I was the lead singer. For so many years. I was the lead singer. It was my band. Now I Feel like I'm the bass player or possibly the guy who hits the triangle.
- [41:44]
Alex Baskin
No, you're the number one sober guy.
- [41:46]
Jax Taylor
I'm the number one sober guy in the group now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe Kristen's beating me right now because. Well, she. Yeah, she can't. She's really, really sober. I do still smoke weed a little bit. I need that to go to sleep. I prefer to do that over pills, so. So I'm what you call California sober. And that's fine. That's fine by me.
- [42:05]
Alex Baskin
So this is crazy. I'm not just saying this to be provocative, but do you think Lala can be a help?
- [42:12]
Jax Taylor
I think the, the, the situation, which is really funny because I just reached out to Sheena the other day because we haven't spoken in a long time. The girls are all very Team Britney right now.
- [42:20]
Alex Baskin
Yeah.
- [42:21]
Jax Taylor
Which is understandable.
- [42:22]
Alex Baskin
Makes sense.
- [42:22]
Jax Taylor
I don't. I am going to reach out to Lala when I hit 100 days. And I'm just going to say, hey, listen, I know you don't like me right now. I get it. This is. Has nothing to do with my relationship with Brittany and I. But I'm wondering if I can just talk to you about being sober because I know you're where I was. You were a train wreck too. And you admit would be nice for you to us to talk about it. That's funny that you said that because I was thinking about that because I think she's got what, four or five years around there? Yeah, yeah. And that's, that's awesome.
- [42:57]
Alex Baskin
A long time. She's really put in the work and.
- [42:58]
Jax Taylor
She'S put in the work and it does take a lot of work. Like it's, it's especially the first hundred days. It's not easy. So I am going to reach out to her. I'm kind of like really right now. I don't want to say an apology to her, but I am reaching out to everybody and kind of apologizing. The way I treated Brittany, the way I treated everybody during this, you know, stint. This, this drug alcohol craziness that I went on because I, I was not a nice person. I was not a nice person. The drugs and alcohol make you such a fucking crazy person.
- [43:28]
Alex Baskin
Are you dreading the season to come on the Valley? Because we pick up on you at your lowest moment.
- [43:38]
Jax Taylor
More than you know. More than you know. It gives me severe, severe anxiety about this will be. I feel like I've said this so many times. I feel like this will be the hardest year season of my life filming reality tv. I've had some doozies, as you know, but I feel like, personally, yes, this is going to be a very, very hard for so many reasons. I'm a father. I was married. It's not like back in the day where, like, oh, you. You guys messed around and whatever.
- [44:06]
Alex Baskin
There were no consequences.
- [44:07]
Jax Taylor
There were no consequences. I have huge, huge consequences for my actions now. You know, I'm going through a divorce, a public divorce. I. You know, my child's custody was on the line. Like, these are big things, you know, as opposed to the old days of Vanderpump, where you would just get slapped on the wrist. So, yeah, I'm very, very scared. But that's why I wanted to come out, because, like I said, people don't know that. You know, we film hours and hours and hours and hours, and unfortunately, the TV show is only 45 minutes long, right? We have five to six. Five. Between five and eight cast members filming at one time. There's only certain amount allotted for each cast member. So they want to get. I. I know they want to tell my story as much as they can, but it's. And unfortunately, you. You don't hear it all. You're not going to hear at all.
- [44:47]
Alex Baskin
Also, you were in a different place then, so you were going through it. And it has taken all of this to be able today to say what you did out loud.
- [44:56]
Jax Taylor
Yeah. Yeah, right. And I'm. I'm just. I'm. I'm not going to lie. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself right now. I feel really, really good. I'm as healthy as I ever been. You know, I have an addictive personality. It's. It's kids I dive from. If I leave one thing, I dive into something else. I'm really into health and fitness right now. I'm really into getting ready for this podcast tour. I'm really into talking to my. My therapy groups, AA meetings. I just love it. I felt like, okay, I feel like my dad was like, this is what you're meant to do. You're meant to talk about your problems that you've gone through the last 20 years to other people. And I feel so good about it. I feel I was taking over the meetings in rehab, and I feel, yeah, I'm happy that I can talk about it. I really want my goal here. And on reality tv, you cannot pick and choose what you want to talk about. Some cast members in the past have tried to do that, but I've always been and I think you can vouch for me on that. I've always been an open book, good or bad, and majority of it for me has been bad. I put it all out there. You can fucking hate me all day long. I don't care. But you are going to get an authentic Jax Taylor. And I pride myself on that, and I pride ourself on how successful Vanderpump rules was, because 99 of the people on there were. Everybody was authentic. Yeah, everybody was. And I'm not going to stop now with the Valley. And I said that before. You're always going to get true authenticity. And, you know, I said that to. To the rest of the cast, too. This is our real lives. This is. This is. You're going to put it all out there. You're not going to hold back or don't be on the show. That's. I'm not saying you have to be here, but if you can't do that, you can't be here.
- [46:25]
Alex Baskin
You shouldn't be on the show.
- [46:26]
Jax Taylor
And I think what I'm doing right now, and I think talking about this, if I can help out one man and I. Man or woman, but I always think of men's mental health right now because I think it's a really big deal if I can help out somebody out there that's watching this and be like, wow, he fucking came forward. He's saying this, he's getting help. Maybe I should get help. If I can just help out one person. Great. Great. That's my goal. I just want to be able to help people, and I want people to know that I'm a broken, broken man. I'm putting myself back together piece by piece. But, you know, I've done so much damage to my body for the last 20 years that, you know, I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of work to do, and it's important for me to. My son can grow up one day and be like, I'm proud of my dad. He got help instead of. I had a dad. He's in the ground now, right?
- [47:14]
Alex Baskin
Yeah, that's right. That's why you do it.
- [47:17]
Jax Taylor
Yeah.
- [47:18]
Alex Baskin
Anything else that you want to say? Anything else?
- [47:22]
Jax Taylor
You know, I obviously, I just want to tell people, like, be very patient when you're watching the show. Please watch the full season before you make any kind of judgment on me. Please understand that this is. Is something that I'm going through, and I'm. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to go through the rest of my life, but this is real. This isn't fake bullshit that you're seeing on tv. This is real life. This is real consequences. This is real emotions. This is real. This is very, very raw of me. You're going to see. It's very emotional and it took a lot out of me. It took a lot out of my wife. We're still going through it. And I just want people to try to be gentle, try to be patient and try to understand that addiction is a disease. And it's a very, very, very hard disease. Very hard. So if you can be a little gentle and just show a little grace, I would appreciate that. I understand. If you're going to be mad at me. I get it. I would be mad at me, too. But just know, please watch the whole season before you really judge me and listen to my podcast. I would love that, too.
- [48:29]
Alex Baskin
Thank you for, as always, sharing your story. I know this was a day that you both look forward to, but also had anxiety over.
- [48:38]
Jax Taylor
Yeah, it's been a really. I, you know, I was really nervous about this because like I said, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this and been honest, completely honest. And this is part of my journey. And I really, really appreciate you listening to this and being the first one because I, I felt the most comfortable doing it here.
- [48:54]
Alex Baskin
Well, good. I think it's an important story to tell the right way and hopefully you continue to string together.
- [48:59]
Jax Taylor
Thank you.
- [49:00]
Alex Baskin
Wins.
- [49:00]
Jax Taylor
I appreciate it.
- [49:01]
Alex Baskin
And the days. And thank you.
- [49:04]
Jax Taylor
Thank you.
- [49:05]
Alex Baskin
For more of my interview with Jax Taylor, go to bravo tv.com podcast.