A (57:54)
But also, like, Ethan, I was happy to do it. It was fine. Because usually people go, well, the invitation is, is the proof of our love for you. It's like, sure. And I can make sure to remind me to talk about my friend Josh in a second in terms of like actual straight people who are fake about this. But when my best friend got engaged, I remember telling her we were drunk on New Year's and I was like, oh, I'll play any part you want in your wedding because I'm there to support you. But I did think that my role in her wedding would reflect my role in her life, which is that she is my best friend. And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I am hers. She, I, if we want to be more like congenial, like top five for her, for sure. Like, definitely top five. And when they were planning the wedding, it took a while for everyone to figure out what roles they were going to be getting. And I realized pretty soon I wasn't going to be in her bridal party. I wasn't going to be officiating. I was going to be asked to be a groomsman, which is fine. You're still in the wedding. Right. And you know, he is such a lovely guy. He is my friend as now as well, but. And he like, he this really cute way of like asking me to be a groom and like, he made me, like, a gift, and he wrote a little card. Like, when it comes to asking someone to be in your party could not do it any better. Like, and any more text message. I don't know. It was like, he. And the part of the reason why it took so long for me to find out was because, like, everyone was finding out throughout the summer. And it wasn't until September that I found out about mine. And I was like, I know what it's going to be. Just tell me. They're like, no, no, no. We have a whole thing. And it's because he, like, ordered something, and it was taking for a while to get back. Like, speaking of Smile, he made. He ordered. He had. Sorry. He had made for me a notebook with the script of Smile on the COVID Oh, that's like. Like, went above and beyond. These are. These are. These are good, wonderful people who are truly my closest friends. And yet I was kind of a little bummed. I was a little sad, and I couldn't figure out why for a minute. And I had finally. I had just joined the New York City gay men's course at that point. So it was. And. Which was very lucky that I did, because I was asking my female friends who were all a part of this wedding, either they were a bridesmaid or singing or. And all of the responses were, it's not about you. Stop making it about you. Which I wasn't trying to do because I hadn't even told Sarah yet my feelings. I was. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling before I ever talked to her about it. And I just feel like I can't understand. Like, I'm. I'm. I don't feel great about it, and I don't know why. And the response is, all of a sudden, it's. It's not about you. Stop making this about you. Which is. I knew it wasn't about me, right? But I also assumed that my friends would hear that I wasn't feeling great and would hear me out and try to figure it out with me, rather than just shut it down immediately. And I spoke to a few members of the chorus who I was becoming friendly with, and they were like, I've been there. Let me tell you why. And they said, that wedding is the last day. Your best friend and you have lives that are parallel that day on. They are going to become perpendicular, and it's just gonna go further and further apart from there. She's gonna have a baby, and she's pregnant. So she's gonna have a baby. And she's like, and no, even if you get married and you, and you do want to have kids, like it's not going to be as easy. You have to adopt, you have to do a surrogate. Like it's, it's a process. And even so, like you're further behind than she is in that respect. Even if you want it or don't want it. So it would. And so they said, what I'm understanding is that you were hoping on the last day that your lives are parallel, you could reflect in on that day who you are in her life. And she ultimately chose not to do that. She ultimately chose gendered wedding parties. Mm. And said to me, but I want you at my bridal shower. I want you getting ready with me on the day. And it's like, cool, then why am I not in your party? Because I love her husband. He's great. He's so fucking dope. I, I consider him a friend, one of my closest friends. But he's my friend because of her, not the other way around. And I realized this, I internalized it. And then I also thought about, this is something I could only come to realize with the gays around me who have been in this position before. And I could have maybe figured it out on my own, but none of the women in my life were willing to let me figure it out. It was just shut down. And then someone else who was a friend at the time just said to me, matt, you know these girls, they love us, they do, but ultimately they've been thinking of their weddings for years. And, and we're all, listen, we're all self centered, right? We're all the protagonists of our stories. Everything is ultimately in our own self interest. Just the sooner we all can accept that, the sooner we can be healthier because we can, we can try to go against that as often as we can and think of others as often as we can. But we are ultimately self centered. We're the protagonists of our own movies. And he said, these girls, they see Meg Ryan, they see Julia Roberts. And it's not that, it's, you know, those movies are what do it that make them think this way. But ultimately that day is the biggest day of their life until that point. And they had a vision of how it was going to look and they, they're going to do that no matter what. And I don't want to throw women under the bus in general. My other friend, godmother of the pod, Ali Gordon, she had gays in her bridal bridal party. I was at her bachelorette party. Like it. There are women who are willing to do that, but also there are women who don't. And they don't do it maliciously. Which, if they did it maliciously, that would be easier, because then you could get angry and it could be a fight. But they. It's when it. Someone hurts you, and they. Unintentionally. Someone who's really close, because let me be very clear to you, the GOP is not going to make me cry. They can try to strip my rights away as much as they want. It just makes me exhausted. I'm like, I'm going to still be alive. Go fuck yourself. I'm still standing. You can't get no hot take. You can't get rid of the queer community. It's genetic. Either figure that out or, you know, jump off a cliff.
