← Brunch N' Bible
Brunch N' Bible
Brunch N’ Bible: “The Realities Of Walking With God Pt. 2” feat. Benedicta Ajah
00:42:36
Loading summary
Transcript85 lines
- [00:00]
A
Welcome to Brunch and Bible, where we navigate womanhood through the Word. I'm your host, Heaven, and this is more than a podcast, it's a movement. At Brunch and Bible, women gather, grow spiritually, embrace the complexities of life through work driven discussions, and find practical applications for their own journeys. Walking with God is a journey filled with highs and lows, victories and struggles, clarity and even moments of uncertainty. In this episode, we sit down with a very special guest to have a raw and honest conversation about the realities of following Christ. Whether you're new to your faith or have been walking with God for years, this episode will encourage you to embrace every season of your journey with boldness and trust. Hi everyone. Welcome to part two of the conversation, the Realities of Walking with God. Hey, if you haven't caught the first part, I need you to stop what you're doing, go back, watch part one, and then tune in to the second part of this amazing conversation. I want to talk about resting in God. And we're still talking about Ms. Independent, by the way, that little, that little nasty spirit. But how did this, once God stripped you of that, how did that change, you know, your approach to God, even in seeking him, like in intimacy? Because we see a lot of the time, especially with some of us who are very independent, who, you know, have our things together or, you know, who God has given us grace from when we were young, to handle multiple things and, you know, to be at the forefront of leadership, like, you know, we were leading organizations and we had positions and recognition and all these things like that. And then we come to a place where we are in relationship with Christ and that is not how the show is run. Right. And so we see there that there has to be a shift in the place of our mindset when it comes to even how we approach God. Right. So what was that shift like? Practically like seeing God as not only, you know, God, but abba. You know, seeing him as lovers, seeing him as your husband, man, you know, those things that would cause you to quite literally put off that identity of being someone who has it all together and who always has all the answers and who doesn't depend on anybody.
- [02:32]
B
Yeah.
- [02:32]
A
What did that look like?
- [02:33]
B
I think I started out very entitled and so my prayers sounded very much like, lord, you have to, because this.
- [02:41]
A
Is what you said.
- [02:42]
B
This is what you said. It started off very entitled, very much. Still never really vocalizing it as if, like, I did, I did, I did. But in my heart that's what I carried this, this notion on Our underlining workspace mentality. Like, I've given you everything. I've done everything I was supposed to do. Like, I stopped doing this. I stopped all the sin that I used to do with numb to it, not even thinking twice about it. Like, I stopped doing that. I gave up all these things. Like, you have to. And then your word said. And then they said. And this prophet said, like, literally, like, God, you have to kind of thing. And then when nothing was happening. When nothing was happening, I was like, no. What's actually going on?
- [03:26]
A
Like, am I being.
- [03:27]
B
Am I being scammed? My best friends can tell you. Like, I got to a point in a season. I was like, no, I'm actually living in, like, a simulation. This is not real life. This is not real life. Like, I literally started to question. I became so. Like, I felt delusional, honestly, But I literally felt like I was living in assimilation. I'm like, no, these people are saying, supposed to do this. God is saying that he's. This. The Bible is saying this. Nothing, but nothing is adding up. I feel like I'm literally like, in a box in a maze and doing lab experiment, trying to figure out why have we actually not reached the outcome?
- [03:59]
A
Yeah.
- [03:59]
B
Yeah.
- [04:00]
A
When you're doing all.
- [04:01]
B
When I'm doing all the things, or I look like I'm doing other things. But. But one thing that I've come to really, really understand in this season is worshiping God. Our relationship with God, if you will. Because that's really what worship is like. Exploring that relationship. It has to be in spirit and truth. And so any falsehood or lie or objective that is not his will lead you to more deception.
- [04:31]
A
Yeah, false worship.
- [04:32]
B
False worship and false worship will give you false outcomes. And so I started to realize that all my false outcomes was because my worship was false. My worship was based on a picture that I saw that I was believing was more external than actually was internal.
- [04:53]
A
Internal.
- [04:54]
B
And so I started off entitled. I started off believing that God owed me because you. I was minding my business in the world. I was doing my thing. You came to me.
- [05:02]
A
You came to grab me.
- [05:03]
B
You came to grab me. So I. I feel like God owed me. Like, and I almost felt like there was at least two years where I was, like, my life was so much more fruitful before you came. Like, before you came into the picture. Like, I can't even. I have no more capacity. I feel like the grace has lifted, like, all the things that were normal before to the point where I almost started wishing that, like, maybe, like, Do I really need God? Do I really need. Do I really need God? And then in his mercy and in his love and in his patience and his kindness, his loving kindness, right, he started to give me almost again, like simulations, but different scenarios and situations where I would do something the way that I'm used to doing that thing, and the outcome would not work. And then in my desperation, because I had nothing left in that season, I would still talk to him. This is how me and God got really close. I had a lot to say. I will speak my mind to and, you know, from just the. I will say whatever's on my mind. That is how me and God really got really, really, really close. And so even in my false worship and trying to create what looked like a picture of a real relationship with God, I didn't realize that my relationship, my real relationship was already real because I was being so real with him on how I felt, but I was still holding. I didn't really consider that my relationship. I considered that me venting and going through the motions or whatever and kind of like reflecting on this, like, still this thing that was, like, so far away or external from me not realizing that he was actually, like, building the intimacy through that broken place, through that disappointed place. So he would give me these opportunities and these scenarios, and I would do them the way that I was used to doing them or in the frame of mind that I used to carry, like before in the world, right? And then it would fail. It would not work. And repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly would not work. And so when I began to ask him why is when he actually started to take me on this journey of revealing how he thinks and why he does things the way he does. And he didn't owe me any of these answers, but that was just almost like a friend, almost like a friend explaining, like, and this doesn't work in the kingdom, and this doesn't work in the kingdom. And if you do it that way, you'll get this outcome. But that will not please me. That, that will not please me. And then fast forward. So I began to just, like, gain this dependency on God. Like, yes, I can still, like, you still want me to do things, and I still will do things, but I'm not doing them without you because you do them a different way than how I normally do them. And if I do them the way that I'm used to doing them, I will mess them. It will not work. And I'm tired of things not working in my life. It wasn't honestly, until I got married that I began to understand God as my lover, God as my. My husband, man. And it was in the times and the ways that my husband would actually rebuke me, where I would be almost so repentant, not towards him, but even just internally towards myself, like, oh, wow, like, how could you actually do that? How could you actually say that? This person actually still love you so much, and they're saying something because they want to see you better and they want to see more for you. And it now triggers this, like, catalytic reaction almost in your head where it's like, oh, and this is where we now get to this point of all the things that we used to do in the world, like why sin can't live here anymore, why these toxic mindsets and traits can't live here anymore, because they're actually robbing me of intimacy with my lover man, with my husband man.
- [08:37]
A
Absolutely.
- [08:37]
B
Yeah. And so it was really honestly when I got married that I started to understand the love of Christ. But it also wasn't until I reconciled my relationship with my earthly father that I was able to understand God as Abba, my heavenly father. And so, yeah, it's just this journey of, like, reconciling and thinking about things differently here on this earth that allowed me to experience the different dimensions or the realities of walking with.
- [09:04]
A
With God. Yeah, that's so good. And I want to go back to one thing that you said, which was you didn't really get close to God until you actually started being real with God. And I think that's another reality of walking with God. And that's something that I didn't understand actually until recently, right when I first got saved, you know, set on fire, you know, guns are blazing. And I think because of how I started my walk with Christ, it was very much so, okay, I'm gonna reveal myself to you, and then I'm going to reel myself to you as a deliverer. So it was a lot of seasons of spiritual warfare and, you know, like, going to God as El Gippor, all these things, and mighty man of war. And, you know, and then when season shifted and I still went to goddess, that, you know, I was realizing that at a point I felt like God either wasn't listening to me or was silent. There was a weird shift that happened. I'm like, yo, mighty man of war. You know, and it was quickly revealing to me that, like, I want you to come to me as Abba. Yeah, I'm not asking you to come to me as El Gabor. There's a time for that.
- [10:27]
B
Yeah.
- [10:27]
A
But right now, like, I want you to come to me as a daughter and just sit on my lap. Just literally sit on my lap. Tell me how you feel, or don't even say anything at all.
- [10:41]
B
Yeah.
- [10:42]
A
I didn't know until probably the last couple of years that spending time with God can also be times of you sitting in silence.
- [10:52]
B
Yep.
- [10:53]
A
And, you know, I have a group of friends, and we came to this realization that whenever we're on the phone or FaceTime, there can be a long period of time where nobody says anything.
- [11:03]
B
Yeah.
- [11:04]
A
But we're still intimate. Right. And so I believe that lower laws fulfill higher laws, and there's a reason why God has us see and know and understand these things so that we can also, you know, take these things to him. And there's. There was times where I would go into my secret place. Like, I said, when I was saved, I was set on fire. So I felt like I always had something to say. And when God saved me, he began. Like, there was just a lot of things that were going on spiritual. Like, spiritual gifts were activated. And, you know, I always felt like, again, I had something to say. And so when I went into seasons, when I went to my secret place and I felt like I had nothing to say. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like I was in error. I felt like I was spiritually dry not knowing that he wasn't asking me to say anything in those times. He was literally asking me to just sit before him. And even in those times of silence, he was transforming me. Even in those times where all I had as a language for my secret place was tears, he was still transforming me. Right. And so I think that's a huge reality of just, you know, being real and being raw with God. Because there's a dimension of him that you will never know and understand until you put off certain jargons in certain languages and just come to him and say, God, I'm tired. Yep. God, I'm literally exhausted. Yep. God, this isn't working. God, I'm hurting, You know?
- [12:50]
B
God, do you hear me?
- [12:52]
A
You know?
- [12:52]
B
Yeah.
- [12:53]
A
These things. And it's like. I don't know if it's that as women, if we're afraid to approach God like this again, this may come into upbringing, you know, Upbringing or how, you know, they've seen the family unit, the family dynamic, but sometimes we're quite literally afraid to bring certain things to God.
- [13:14]
B
Yeah.
- [13:15]
A
Like, again, I remember times in my secret place where I would keep things from God. But that doesn't make any sense. Right, right. Because first off, he's the God who is omniscient. He knows all things. He knows you're dealing with these things. Things. But I'm sure he's asking himself, why doesn't my daughter want to bring these things to me? And so I don't know if you have anything to say about that. The realness and rawness of being before God. Right?
- [13:45]
B
Yeah. I think it goes back to the being allowing him to renew your mindset. Especially again, like, there's a season for everything.
- [13:52]
A
Right.
- [13:52]
B
And so you come out usually. I think usually one of the first things that God does for most people is a season of deliverance.
- [14:01]
A
Yeah.
- [14:02]
B
They encounter deliver because usually they're in slavery or in bondage to something. Right. But then once you come out of that season of deliverance, it's almost like you're again trying to put those same patterns back into place, hoping for your next upgrade, when really your next upgrade is coming through like a different place. And so I guess in my life, I experience seasons of fast, like, intense fasting, intense prayer sessions, marathons, if you will. Marathons, if you will. And then just. It's almost like this continuous again, unveiling, unraveling, stripping away. And then it came to a season where God's like, enough is enough. Like, we're not fasting this year. We're not fasting this year. We're not. And when I say this year, I mean, like, January. Yeah. And it wasn't this January. It actually was last year where I thought, okay, 21 days as usual. As usual, business as usual. And I got to, like, January 3rd, a few days before, and God was like, no, no. And I tried. I actually started off trying. And there was literally. And not to say that you won't experience warfare and your flesh is going to tell you to eat and all those things or whatever. This was different. It was a clear, if you, like, starve yourself, but no. But, no. And so it was after, like, two days that I kind of just let it go. And that was probably one of the most, like, fruitful transformations in my life that released me from this bondage of if I don't do this this way, God is not listening to me. If I don't pray for an hour before I go to sleep, God does not care about my next day. If I don't, you know, read my Bible for an hour in the morning, then God is not. And those things are, like, very important in developing, like, certain practices that are actually needed to sustain Your faith, certain things. Right. But when you start relying on them, as I would say, your key to the door or access to your. When God, when Jesus was already your. Your key and your access. Right. But you start relying on these things to give you the access or to give you the right to, like, be real with God or have a. Have a say so at the table in a way. And that if you don't do all these things that he doesn't care, you kind of get robbed. You kind of get robbed of everything that he has for you. And then you also start to rob him of his glory and of who he says he is. But that I think that also now comes Back to the Ms. Independent and trying to, like, control the show and the sovereignty battle and things like that. Yeah.
- [16:40]
A
You know, one thing that you said that's very interesting is that, you know, in a season where everybody fasts, God told you not to. And another reality I want us to discuss is the fact that we have to be sensitive to God's voice as Christian women, because it's so easy to miss it when you're not. And I want you to speak on being sensitive to him. You said the wind and there's the wind and the fire, all these things. And then there's that still small voice. Right. Leading you and guiding you. And I know that you have had to really rely on God's voice with your seasons of speedy transitions, you know, entering into what God has called you to in. In such a short period of time. We. We're just talking about how you encounter Christ in 2020. What? 2021.
- [17:37]
B
2021.
- [17:38]
A
Right. So what has it been like relying on hearing the voice of God? Did you always know that it was the voice of God? Was it hard to obey when you heard Him? You know, those kind of things? No, this is good. It's really good.
- [18:11]
B
I. Sensitivity is important.
- [18:15]
A
Yeah.
- [18:16]
B
But I think sometimes, especially, especially, especially when you are in seasons of, like, heavy concentration and heavy fasting and heavy prayer. Who was the first person that met Jesus when he came out of that? Right. And it is very, very, very, very easy if you. And this is why I say, like, having those institutes, if you will, in place. When are you reading your Bible? When are you actually praying and just listening to God, not coming to blood your mouth. Right. Because these things actually train you to hear the voice of God so that when he is speaking to you, you can differentiate between his voice and all the other voices. Because truthfully, many times, it's not every day that people are Actually hearing, like, the audible voice of God to say that God said. And many times people have dreams, but God is not the only giver of dreams. And many times you can be in conversation with somebody and somebody who you think has your best will in mind or best. Whatever. Best interest in heart can be giving you counsel. But it's not everybody who has your best interest at heart that's going to give you counsel. So now what do you use as your guidebook or your ruler to say this, I obey this, I discard this, I follow this, I don't. And I think sensitivity does play a role in that. But I think honestly, you have to go through some things and see the outcome to realize that actually was not God. That actually was not God. And realize was that peace that I was feeling, was that the. The. The piece of my flesh that thought it was a good idea or a good investment or a good opportunity, or was that the piece of my spirit telling me that allowing my faith to grow in this moment, not knowing what the outcome would be, but knowing that whatever is on the other side, I'll still find God in the midst of it. And I don't say that to say that God is not going to be everywhere with you. Like he says, if you make your bed in hell, he will be there with you. But the reality is not. I. I can still look back and say maybe. Like, maybe. Yes, the initial was God. But then as I started to, like, journey through, I realized that not every decision that I made along the way was actually the voice of God. And so I'll give an example. There was a program, actually, there was a season where I was first going to Nigeria. And the pro. I had, like, two weeks. I got my passport in two weeks, packed up my apartment in two weeks. Like, like, did everything in two weeks and had to be in Nigeria. And they actually gave me a right of first refusal, basically meaning that you don't have to come now because you realize that this is only two weeks away, but you can come first quarter next year when we're going to do this program again. And I remember in that moment, struggling in my flesh, no peace at all, doubting, knowing that I, like. It's like I knew it was God. And I at least had enough sensitivity and enough faith to believe that God was gonna, like, see it through and make everything work the way that it needed to work. But at the same time, my flesh was fighting me bad. And I think you even probably remember that season, like, people had to, like, gather around and pray for Me, my mental was so distorted. Like, that was my first time having to decide, did I actually hear God or not? To that. To that extent where I'm packing up my whole life to, like, literally move to a whole other continent that I have. I mean, I'm Nigerian, but I would say that what am I doing in Nigeria? I have no business. I have no business at that age, at that season of my life, like.
- [21:43]
A
Uprooting, freshly graduating as a doctor to.
- [21:46]
B
Now go say, I'm like, yeah. So I remember battling in my flesh, no peace. My spirit, though, however, had some peace. And that is what allowed me to, like, keep marching forward. Keep marching forward. Come to find out, my cohort, like, so let's say, like, now I decided, you know what? I don't have enough evidence to say, this is God, right? Let me wait to the first quarter of the next semester or whatever and go and try again later after I've took my time to make that decision. Would you believe that my cohort, people that went is the only cohort, they shut that program down after that. There has never been another. We've. I was even on the, like, planning community of, like, trying to bring in more people, another application, cohort, whatever. To this day, that's like two, three years now. To this day, never again. We were the only ones. We were the only ones. And so imagine now I look back now, I'm like, oh, you can see the evidence. Like, oh, yeah, that was God. Because, yes, it seemed crazy and very delusional and very absurd and very rash, if you will. But. But in that moment, that was the only opportunity that I had. And God does move in specific, like, windows and seasons. But I feel like he will always, like, rally around. He loves you so much that he will always give you what you need to make it through. And so in that season, that looked like people who were coming around me to pray and intercede over me. That looked like people who were actually able to fast for me because I wasn't able to fast for myself. I was going through way too much to do that. But then in certain seasons, in the same way, the enemy also can open a door that looks very. You got to make a decision now because this door is closing. This window of opportunity is closing. But then also, what is surrounded around that? Is it everybody also telling you not to go, right? Is it, I don't know, dreams that you may have also keeping you up at night? Is it now new battles of warfare and warfare will come with any, like, any step that you make, honestly, when you decide to say, like, I'm following Christ in the midst of this, warfare is going to come along the way. But, like, what is going to be your ruler or your guidebook or your thing that says, like, let me. Let me march a little bit forward and see. Let me march forward and see. But the honest reality is he reveals in part. He reveals in part. And sometimes we take the part and try to make the whole.
- [24:03]
A
Yeah.
- [24:04]
B
And then when the whole that we created doesn't look like the hole that he actually has promised, we feel like.
- [24:09]
A
In trouble there.
- [24:13]
B
That God robbed us or that we didn't hear the voice of God after all. But we actually just need to keep journeying because we only saw a part.
- [24:19]
A
Yeah. Wow. Wow. Again, as you were speaking, another reality is that God will come for your idols.
- [24:34]
B
Oh.
- [24:35]
A
And that's. That's. That's a whole nother thing. That's a whole other thing. Let's start off with the fact that God, right. Gives us, you know, certain things, Right. To help us, to guide us. And this is the subtle. The subtle theme of idolatry, where he'll place certain things in our life to help us, and then those things now become our firm foundation. Yep. Right. And so I want us to go back to the part of counsel where, you know, you have voices, you know, in your life who are meant to guide you, to help you, to just be a support, to cover you and do all these things. Right. But then they also shouldn't replace your own personal seeking. Right. I'm with God.
- [25:32]
B
Yeah.
- [25:33]
A
I want you to talk about that a little bit because I know you experienced some of that.
- [25:36]
B
Yeah. In my, like, fresh, I guess, season out, if you will. When God kind of like, released me, a lot of the first things that he was doing was showing me that a lot of the things that I thought I wanted were not things that I actually really wanted or wanted in that way. And I believe once of those things were the mentors that I was seeking after and the relationships that I thought that I needed to become the woman of God that God kept saying that I was. I'm like, okay, God. Well, if you're saying that I'm this person, then I need to be around, you know, these kind of people or this or this person who's going to be able to raise me in this way because I. I myself can't get there because I don't see any line of correlation at all. And so I believe that in my desperation of trying to. It's like, because you stripped Me of everything. And all the things that I thought were my identity. I was trying to find new identity. And so I went on this desperate journey of trying to find the spiritual fathers and the mothers and the people who were going to help me create, not realizing that I already was, but helped me to create this person that God kept showing me that I couldn't acknowledge or resonate with. And so I sought after the voices, sought after the relationships. And they were coming so easily that again, back to the former point, I thought every single relationship that I got that I came into contact with was like, oh, the Lord wants this for me. The Lord actually is sending this person into my life to cover me. The Lord is sending this person in my life to, you know, lift me up and pour over me and pray with me or whatever the case may be. And because I was able to get a lot of these relationships so easily, it almost seemed like very kind of levels of relationships. You wouldn't even think of how in the world did she get there? Like, how did that, how did literally, how did that happen? And I believe some of them were God ordained. And I believe that because of my desperation for them and the reasons why I wanted them versus the reasons why God wanted them because they were not the same.
- [27:49]
A
That's what it is.
- [27:50]
B
That's where they became idols. And in that instead of, like you said, seeking, doing my own seek with God, it became my own seek after intimacy with them. How can I get closer to them? There is one thing that one of them always used to say, that discipleship is not a fan club. Like, it's not, it's. It, it has to do with proximity. So basically the closer that you get to who was pouring over you or who was supposed to raise you in a season, the, the more likely you are to become that person. And so my objective was always proximity. And so I would throw away everything and that, everything that I got in that like, valley season that like God was giving to me and helping me, like, hold on to. When I started to around these relationships, it was like I was casting off everything, abandoning my own seek time to spend time with them to make sure that their new. Make sure that their needs were fulfilled. And truthfully, it actually lies in an orphan spirit that basically makes you feel like you need to be needed in a way that these relationships will not work unless you prove that they're worth working for. And I think sometimes in our just like human nature nature, we look for symbiotic relationships. So I scratch your back, you scratch my Back you benefit, I benefit. And the reality is that's not how it works with God. And so God, you know, as God is like, nurturing you and pouring into you, he's not ever expecting that you would scratch his back or give you give him anything in return except for your life right in your heart. But when you come into these relationships, you're like, okay, like, you know, this person has done X, Y and Z for me. Let me now, you know, do everything that I can to like, show my appreciation and my gratitude. And it literally became into this addictive cycle of service, what we call what I was calling service. And my service now became my idol. And my objective was how can I out serve myself? And so I would literally go on this journey daily of what I would call surrendering myself, dying to myself, showing up as the best that I can, showing up better than I did the day before, but not actually allowing. There was no fruit being birthed in that process, basically. And so it became this routine again of being Miss Independent, like, trying to control the show, Miss Independent, trying to call the shots, trying to control the show, trying to produce fruit in relationships that were actually robbing me of the. The. The seeds that God had planted already. And so I ended up. There was another relationship kind of similar, where I realized that until I realized. Until I allowed God to fill all the voids that were actually in my heart and in my life, I was going to keep seeking out these different things, these different idols as solutions for my identity crisis, as my solution for why I was not becoming, why I was stuck in wilderness, why I was not getting the answers from God that I was expecting, why the prophecies that were spoken over my life were not coming to pass. And until I allowed God to fill all the voids that these questions were producing and allow him to rest in those places, in the uncertainty and in the unknown. It was this continuous journey of looking for who could speak a better word over me, who could pour over me better, who could mentor me better, who could love me better, who could actually see what God had called me to be so that they can help me become that person better than the last person. And he kept allowing it easily until I realized that this thing was going to keep happening and all these relationships are going to keep ending the same way. Until I realized that he's the only person that can do that. And so now I'm in a season where I do have healthy mentors and I do have healthy people that can.
- [31:41]
A
Grow, and there's a healthy version of this.
- [31:43]
B
And there's a healthy version of. But I wouldn't have ever known that until I allow God to fill those spaces. And now I can actually look at them as mentors and I can look at the mantle without paying so much attention to the man and not allowing that person and what they're saying to overrule and override still the God that sits in, in my heart, at the throne of my heart. And I can now compare their doctrine and yes, I. I trust their doctrine, which is why they are that close to me and I'm calling them mentors. But I can still go back and say I'm not holding on to every single word like it's mana. I'm not holding on to every single word like it's the last drop of water in the world. I can now take what they're saying, process it, and still go back to God and say they said, and I actually don't agree. And he will give clarity or insight to what they mean. Right. Because we're still men and we see he still speaks in part. And so everybody is taking their little revelations or their little parts and trying to produce whole pictures of it. But the reality is you can only get that wholeness in God. But our idols are just little pieces of that that we try to use to create our wholeness.
- [32:49]
A
That was good. You mentioned a point where that your life wasn't producing fruit. Right. And another reality of walking with God is that your life must produce fruit. And this fruit. Fruit means evidence. Right. Fruit means results. Fruit means the produce right of something, the outcome of something. And sometimes we like to look at that as external things. Yeah. Like how far you are in life, marriage, money, status, cars, houses, freedom. Freedom, whatever.
- [33:31]
B
Whatever the. Whatever.
- [33:33]
A
Whatever the world calls freedom. Right. Or prosperity, success. When we talk about the fruit of a Christian, it's really the internal. The internal work. And I want you to kind of share about how God in a certain season was blessing you, you know, with so much. You're. Guys, she's a doctor, guys. Did you guys know that she's all doctor. And how that wasn't the evidence. That wasn't the evidence, Right? Yeah. A transformed life in Christ is the evidence. Right. And so I want you to talk to us about those seasons where you were. You were accomplished in the eyes of the world. Right. And honestly, in the eyes of Christendom as well.
- [34:28]
B
Yeah.
- [34:29]
A
You are an answered prayer, you know, versus where you were actually internally. And how as Christians, we can get these answered prayers. Right. We can get the Baby, we can get the car, we can get the house, we can get the property, but still not have allowed the actual fruit, which is a change in character, change in heart, change in perspective to be what people see as evidence.
- [35:00]
B
When I first came to Christ, because I was in this, like, trying to like, meet this checklist that I felt like God had built for me, I was very. It was very easy for me to call out what everybody was doing wrong. And so I'd be like, this person is sinning. This person's not going to. This person's not going to heaven. This person ain't going to heaven. Like, they're still doing this. I'm not doing this. Like, these people are still like, very like black and white. Like, oh, yep, I did this, I did this. And they haven't. And then because of that, I was also like isolating myself, consecrating myself more intentionally because I was like, I can't let any of this stuff contaminate me. Like this new version of me. And I felt like in that season I was producing fruit because. Or at least internally I thought, I thought because I was like, okay, all these contaminations and bad things that make people go to hell, I no longer have in my life. So, like, now I'm good, basically, my heart is clean, my mind is clean. Like, I should be good now. And I didn't really realize that it was honestly quite the opposite. The fruit is not in the removal of these external things. The fruit is in the washing of what is within. Kind of like the. Like Jesus says to his disciples, like, it's not. Especially when they were asking, like, your disciples didn't wash their hands. It's not what's on the outside of you that makes you filthy. It's what's in your heart that is making you disgusting. What's making you dirty. And so it wasn't until I realized that the like, yes, I wasn't doing the normal sins that our generation kind of like engages in. But I was very prideful. I was very hateful. There was no long suffering. There was no long suffering. There was no gentleness. I always used to argue with people and say, God never called me to be kind. He never called me to be nice. He never called me to be polite. He called me like I would. Cuz I'm like, okay, the Bible didn't say those things, right? But then you look at. And Jesus was flipping tables. So why do y'all expect me to.
- [37:04]
A
Now twist the script to accommodate for your bad character?
- [37:08]
B
Exactly. So I'm like, and so. So while I was not drinking or smoking or out at night or with 20 boyfriends, whatever you want to call your thing, right? Because I was no longer doing those things. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm exempt. I'm good. I'm good. And funny enough, the Lord never really came to speak to me about the actual fruit of the Spirit until, like, year two. So when I started to realize, like, how is it that, like, all these people who are, like, so kind and so nice and blah, blah, blah, whatever, like, they seem like they're better off. Like, people actually like them. Like, people can say, like, oh, I just see Jesus when I'm with you. Like, I just hear the heart of Christ when I'm with you. Like, they say these things, and I'm like, huh? Or especially some people who are, like, still struggling with, like, alcoholism or still struggling with, like, different addictions or all these different things that they're still struggling with and so transparent about. And I don't have to be transparent about them because I've gotten rid of them. So I'm not struggling with these things anymore. But in that season, nobody could ever tell me, like, oh, yeah, I just see the heart of Christ. I just see the love of Christ all over you. Like, I really feel loved by Christ when I talk to you. Like, it's almost like I came to be the accuser Jr. Like, helping people point out their deficiencies and their sin, but not realizing that my lack of fruit was also a sin. Not realizing that my inability to reflect my Father or reflect the love of Christ was also a sin. And in my efforts to help people realize how bad they were, I was still sending more people to hell than I was bringing anybody to heaven with me. And so while I had called myself exempt and felt like I was good and I was going to heaven, and my job was now to help everybody realize how bad they were so they could maybe decide that they want to go to heaven too. I was pushing everybody further and further away from Christ because I actually had no fruit. And so I had all the external things previously, and I got rid of them. And he helped me realize that it's not just the fruit that hangs on the tree that you're calling an apple tree, because in its off season, in what do. Do you not call that an apple tree?
- [39:17]
A
Wow.
- [39:20]
B
Are the roots no longer holding up that, like, just because it's winter now and there's no apples on the tree, is that still no longer an apple tree? Like, so when there's Apples. And when there's no apples, what do you call the tree?
- [39:31]
A
It's an apple tree.
- [39:32]
B
It's an apple tree. And so when you have. And when you don't have, who is benedicta? And why is there a difference when you have versus when you don't have? And then why is there a difference? Why is there no difference when you come to me versus when you weren't with me? Why is your character still the same? Why is your heart process of the same? Why are you still saying that you hate people? Why. Why are you still not able to relate with people? Why are you still not able to show love to people? Why are you still not able. Why are people still repelled by you, still intimidated by you? Why is your character. Why are you not bringing. You said you're gonna bring more souls to Christ. Right? You're on fire. You're zealous. You're passionate about the things of Christ. Why is that passion not actually bringing people to Christ? And so I had to realize that there was no fruit, that the seeds that were being planted were not getting water. They were not digging deep enough. They were not. I was not allowing him to actually let those things take root.
- [40:36]
A
Yeah.
- [40:37]
B
So that real fruit could be produced. You live and you learn. And now here we.
- [40:42]
A
If you had one less reality.
- [40:45]
B
Yeah.
- [40:45]
A
To tell the people, the women who are watching, what would it be?
- [40:56]
B
God is the God of the middle. God is the God of the middle. Middle God is the God that actually not reveals himself. When you're at your lowest is when you get back up and you're willing to start trying to walk again. And so sometimes we get, like. We start off these journeys with Christ and we're, like, on fire and we're zealous and all these things. And then we decide that once things start getting stale and flat or stagnant and our routines and our habits are not working, that God has kind of, like, left us or we're, like, doing something wrong. But really he's drawing us to that place in the middle where we have to actually let go of ourselves and what we know so that he can, like, show us who he really is. And that's where the beauty of intimacy and real relationship with Christ actually comes in. In the middle. It's not on a mountain and it's not in the valley. It's really in the middle. Yeah.
- [41:46]
A
Amazing. What an episode.
- [41:49]
B
Yeah.
- [41:49]
A
This was kind of loaded, because. Kind of, like, really loaded. Yeah. I just. Thank God for your life.
- [41:57]
B
Thank God for your life.
- [41:58]
A
Super, super grateful. For you honoring this invitation and I pray that you all have been blessed as you have listened to all these. I myself am going to go back and listen to this and watch this multiple times because there were so many great things that the Holy Spirit shared. And again, if this has blessed you in any way, I want you to like, share, comment and subscribe as you support our works. Until the next episode.