Brutally Anna Podcast: "Date Them Until You Hate Them and Why Love Isn’t Enough" with Matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalmon
Release Date: December 30, 2024
In this compelling episode of Brutally Anna, host Anna Kai delves deep into the intricacies of modern relationships with Aleeza Ben Shalmon, a renowned relationship coach, matchmaker, author, and star of Netflix’s Jewish Matchmaking. Titled "Date Them Until You Hate Them and Why Love Isn’t Enough," the episode offers listeners a wealth of insights into finding and maintaining meaningful connections in today’s fast-paced dating landscape.
Introduction to Aleeza Ben Shalmon
Anna kicks off the episode by introducing Aleeza, highlighting her successful career in matchmaking and her role on Netflix’s Jewish Matchmaking. Aleeza shares her journey from being a volunteer matchmaker in 2007 to establishing her professional practice in 2011. She emphasizes her passion for helping marriage-minded singles find their soulmates.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [02:00]: "I started volunteer matchmaking back in 2007, and I fell in love with it."
The Evolution of Matchmaking: Then vs. Now
Aleeza contrasts traditional matchmaking methods with contemporary approaches. In 2007, online matchmaking was rudimentary, relying heavily on databases and mutual matches determined by algorithms. Today, Aleeza leverages more personalized and intuitive methods, including direct coaching and deeper relationship assessments.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [03:34]: "It’s on the computer. Like, click, click. You’re matching up screens. You’re not matching up people."
Soulmate Clarity System
A central theme of the podcast is Aleeza’s proprietary Soulmate Clarity system. This method combines a person's thoughts and feelings with Aleeza's relationship expertise to assess potential matches. The system categorizes relationships based on their potential for long-term success, providing clear guidance to her clients.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [06:35]: "Soulmate Clarity is a formula that combines your thinking and your feelings with my relationship wisdom to determine if a relationship has strong potential."
Aleeza’s Personal Love Story
Anna and Aleeza explore Aleeza’s personal journey to love, including her swift transition from dating to marriage. Aleeza recounts meeting her husband at a retreat, dating simultaneously, and getting married four months later—a relationship that has flourished over 22 years with five children.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [08:35]: "We dated for three weeks, got engaged, and four months later, we got married."
Navigating Financial Differences in Relationships
A significant portion of the discussion revolves around how financial disparities can strain relationships. Aleeza shares her experiences and highlights that financial compatibility is often a top reason for divorces. She advocates for financial literacy and open communication about money to build stronger, more resilient partnerships.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [15:05]: "Financially, we grew up experiencing money differently. I’m a saver, and my husband is a spender. We had to navigate those differences to make our relationship work."
Handling External Opinions and Pressures
Aleeza provides practical advice on managing unsolicited opinions from family and friends regarding one’s relationship status. She encourages listeners to trust their own judgments and prioritize their happiness over external pressures.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [21:45]: "You have to listen to yourself first before you listen to anybody else. Trust your own opinions over misguided advice."
The "Date Them Until You Hate Them" Concept
One of the most intriguing parts of the episode is the exploration of the phrase "Date Them Until You Hate Them." Aleeza explains that this advice is targeted towards the majority who remain indecisive in dating. By continuing to date someone until clear feelings emerge—positive or negative—individuals can better understand their compatibility.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [27:06]: "Date them until you hate them is about either finding out they’re not for you or confirming they’re the right person after multiple dates."
Defining Soulmates
Aleeza offers a nuanced definition of soulmates, integrating both spiritual and physical aspects. She believes that soulmates are unique matches aligned both mentally and emotionally, reinforcing the idea that there is someone out there for everyone.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [37:33]: "Soulmates are uniquely for you and very good for you. You can only have one soulmate at a time, but you can have multiple soulmates in a lifetime."
When Is Divorce the Right Decision?
The conversation shifts to understanding when divorce becomes a necessary step. Aleeza emphasizes that divorce should be considered in cases of abuse, addiction, or when one partner is unwilling to work on the relationship. She highlights the importance of mutual growth and the inability to maintain a healthy partnership as key indicators for ending a marriage.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [41:20]: "Divorce is appropriate when there’s abuse, addiction, or one partner is unwilling to work on the relationship."
Navigating Cultural and Religious Differences
Given Aleeza’s expertise in Jewish Matchmaking, the discussion naturally flows into managing cultural and religious disparities in relationships. Aleeza shares insights on maintaining authenticity while respecting each partner's background and the challenges that arise when one partner considers religious conversion for the relationship.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [47:51]: "In Judaism, conversion must be for God, not just for the relationship. Beliefs have to be genuinely aligned."
Compromising vs. Conceding
Aleeza differentiates between healthy compromise and unhealthy conceding. Compromise involves meeting halfway and nurturing the relationship, while conceding is about distancing oneself without contributing to the partnership.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [53:43]: "Compromising knits the relationship closer together, whereas conceding distances you from the relationship."
Final Insights: There Is Someone for Everyone
Wrapping up the episode, Aleeza assures listeners that a compatible partner exists for everyone. She encourages perseverance and self-trust in the search for love, reinforcing the belief that everyone has a "soulmate" waiting to be discovered.
Notable Quote:
Aleeza [55:46]: "Your person is out there. They exist, and you should meet them. It’s part of the blueprint of creation."
Conclusion
This episode of Brutally Anna is a treasure trove of relationship wisdom, blending professional expertise with personal anecdotes. Aleeza Ben Shalmon’s insights on matchmaking, soulmate clarity, financial harmony, and navigating external pressures provide listeners with practical tools to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re newly single, navigating the complexities of marriage, or seeking to understand your relationship dynamics better, this episode offers valuable guidance to help you find and sustain love that lasts.
Connect with Aleeza Ben Shalmon:
- Book: Matchmaker: Find Me a Love That Lasts – Available on Amazon and other booksellers.
- Website: elizabenshalom.com
- Business: marriagemindedmentor.com
- Social Media: Follow her latest insights and services across her platforms.
Thank you for joining us on this enlightening episode of Brutally Anna. Don’t forget to subscribe and follow Anna @maybeboth across social media for more honest conversations about love, life, and everything in between.