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- [00:00]
A
Oh.
- [00:01]
B
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A
Hi, Anna. I've been dating this guy for three and a half years, and one year into our relationship, I moved to cities to be with him and I found out that he had lied to me about messaging a girl. He told me it was platonic, but I reached out to that woman and I found out it wasn't. And so I told him if he lied to me again that that I would break up with him. Fast forward two years and he's lied to me again about messaging someone. But this time I don't know if it was platonic or not. I think it was because this woman is married and has kids and the message was her complaining to him about her husband. And that was the only message I could see. I'm at the point in my life where I want to get married, I want to have kids, but I don't want to be with somebody who lies to me. It's very difficult because he's an amazing boyfriend 99% of the time. And I feel like I've invested so much time and I've moved away from my parents and have created a career near him, but I am confused of what to do now. Thanks.
- [02:25]
C
You know how people say having a child is akin to getting a face tattoo? Basically, it's something you can't ever take back. And I know there's all these different procedures you could do to get tattoos removed these days, but I think they always leave a little bit of scarring. So if you do decide to get a face tattoo and you get it removed or lasered off, there's always going to be a little bit of scarring. Always going to be there a little bit in some way. And that's what having a child is like, whether or not you decide to keep it. It's always going to affect you in some way. And I feel like that's how we should think about marriage and who we're going to spend the rest of our life with. And that's not to say that divorce shouldn't be an option. I think divorce should always be an option. But I truly think that if we all maybe took a step back and saw marriage as getting a face tattoo or even entering into a serious long term relationship as getting a face tattoo, we'd think twice. Because the time we spend married to the wrong person or even in a relationship with the wrong person is time we can't get back. That's life we can't get back. Just like we can't get our skin back once we put a tattoo on it. And so think about it this way and think about whether you would be okay with being 99% sure about the person you're with under those circumstances. I want to backtrack here first, because the first thing that struck me about your voicemail was the fact that you sound like you're in a closet or hiding. I hope that you are somewhere where you can't speak really loudly. But if you are alone right now and no one can hear you, and that's how you recorded the voicemail to me, girl, you are already gone. You are already broken. You're not waiting for him to break you to prove that this is not the right relationship for you to be in. If you're not going to listen to me, listen to yourself. Now you get a chance to play that voicemail back to yourself. I don't know if you listened to it after you recorded it, but you sound devastated. You sound like it's already happened and it kind of already has. Because the thing is, you told him, don't lie to me. And and that's exactly what he did. And I don't know how you feel about second chances, but I don't think everybody deserves them. And I certainly don't think he deserved one. And the fact that you gave him a second chance should be the nail in the coffin for you. It shouldn't be a well, what about a third chance? What he lied to you about wasn't something innocuous. It was about the fact that he clearly had feelings for another woman while he was in a relationship with you and he lied to you about it. And I don't care whether or not he says he doesn't have feelings for this second woman, who's married with children and very committed. He does have feelings for her because if it was truly platonic, he would have told you about it. He's lying to you because he knows deep down inside that he's doing something he shouldn't be doing, which is why he's lying about it. And you, deep down, or maybe not even deep down inside, knows that he shouldn't be doing it because he has feelings for her. Dave, my husband has one female friend. He has had that female friend since college, well before we met. Her name is Lisa. Whenever her name pops up on the phone, I'm not like, is there something going on with Lisa? I'm like, cool. He's talking to Lisa. Nothing went on before us, nothing went on during us, and nothing sure as hell is happening after us. I don't think that's the case with this man. And I know you're probably at an age where it feels like now is the right time to get married. I know you've spent a lot of time with this guy. But the problem is, if you end up marrying him, he's already shown you who he is. Why do you need him to show you a third time that he's going to lie to you again? Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. And some people can be redeemed. Sure, people can change. I mean, look at David Goggins. He went from a really overweight janitor to the freaking monster he is right now. So people can change. It's just that he, I don't know, wants to change. And that's the most important thing, is that you cannot force change upon people. They have to want it themselves. And I don't know if he wants it because you're telling him, this is what I want. And you told him last time, this can never happen again or else. And you let him get away with it this time. He's just going to be like, oh, you know what? She's saying that I can't do this and that this hurts her, but there's no actual repercussions from it other than an awkward conversation. So. So I'm just gonna keep having my cake and eat it, too. And I know he's great to you 99% of the time, but here's the thing. I said that to myself a lot about men who were not right for me in my 20s. I was like, this guy is so great, except for this one teeny tiny. I wasn't even giving it a 1% weight, right? I was like, have a percentage thing that's wrong with him. And everybody's got flaws, right? Nobody's perfect. I can't expect anybody to be perfect. And after I got out of the relationship, usually not of my own volition, usually because he dumped me, but sometimes because I left myself, I would look and realize, wait, he wasn't 99% perfect. He was more like 40% great. And then the other 50% was just me trying to make his great. And then 10% just really sucked and I just decided to ignore it. But you can't look at him objectively, and you can't look at your relationship objectively until you're out of it. So I wouldn't even look at your relationship right now with him and be like, it's great. Because if it was great, you wouldn't be calling me. Nobody who calls me is like, anna, I am doing fine. Life is dandy. I just wanted to see if you had some advice on what I could do with all of this joy and abundance around me. Honestly, I wish somebody would leave me a voicemail like that. But so far today, that hasn't happened. You are calling me because you're in pain. Pain. And I think you trying to attach that 1% or any sort of numerical number to your pain into his failings is you trying to justify something that is actually a really big fucking deal. Yeah, it is a big fucking deal that he was having a secret conversation with a woman that he was not just platonically friends with. And it is a really big deal that now he's talking to another woman. I don't think he deserved a second chance, but he got one. Not because your Mother Teresa, but because you are scared. It wasn't a charitable act. It wasn't for him. It was for you. Because I think if you really were going to act in your own best interest, even if it feels hard at the time, you wouldn't have given it a second chance. Because that's a pretty big fucking red flag. I don't even think that's a red flag. That's just like, he doesn't care that much, girl. And I think you really need to hear that if he, in the beginning of your relationship is talking to another woman that he's interested in behind your back, he does not love, like, whatever, find you as foxy. I don't know. He doesn't care about you that much. Okay. And the problem is you gave him a second chance not because you were like, I'm going to give him a second chance because I'm a good person. You gave him a second chance because you were scared because you thought I'm not going to do better than this.
- [09:58]
B
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- [10:58]
C
He's 99% of the way there. I don't deserve a hundred. Okay, but here's the thing. He's not 99% of the way there. That's another lie you've told yourself that he's such a great boyfriend on so many levels. Yeah, I'm sure he has good qualities. And here's the thing everybody always tells me. It's like, oh, well, I only tell you the bad stuff. Like, you don't hear about all the good stuff. Yeah, well, if the bad stuff didn't really matter. And like, there's bad stuff in every relationship. No relationship is perfect. If the bad stuff really didn't matter, you wouldn't need to hash it out. You. You wouldn't need me to talk to you about it. And I say this because every time I've had a conflict with Dave, I've never been like, I need to go tell a friend. I need to go talk to my therapist about it. It's like, no, I'm going to go talk to Dave about the problem I'm having with him. My goal for all of you is to get you to a point where you do not need to DM me or leave me a voicemail because you think there is nothing that this random person on the Internet can tell me that is going to help more than just talking to the person that I am having an issue with. But you can't talk to him because you've already tried and see where that's led you. So now you want to come to me, maybe under the impression that I'm going to tell you, oh, it's fine. Give him another chance. He's already so great, like, you're at that age already that you want kids and you want to get married. Just go for it. Have a kid with a guy who's not fully committed to you. All right? See where it goes. If it doesn't go anywhere, at least you have a kid you love and you'll be a single parent, right? Yeah. No, that sounds crazy, right? Because it is. And if that's what you were hoping to hear, I'm sorry. And I'm also sorry that I sound really harsh right now. I say this with the toughest of brutal love, as I always do. You need to understand that he does not love and care for you in the way that you love and care for him. And that just because you are 35 or whatever age you think is appropriate to get married and have a child and settle down at does not mean that the person you're with is an appropriate person to be with. The biggest issue, though, if we're being honest, is not the fact that he's not being honest with you. It's the fact that you're not being honest with yourself. You're not really giving yourself enough credit. I think the story you're telling yourself is that it's either him or no one. It's either him with a child and some semblance of the life I want, or no one, no child, and a life of loneliness and misery forever. And those are not your two options. In fact, your more realistic options are it's either him, marriage and a child, and you sort of being happy, but sort of not because you got the life you wanted on paper, but it doesn't feel like the way you thought it would, or you alone for a while, kind of sad because you left, but also free because you left. Because while you may feel lonely at times, once you're single, it's better to feel lonely when you're single than lonely in a relationship. And that's what you have right now. You're alone in this relationship. The upshot of the second option, though, is, is that eventually you free yourself up to go meet somebody who doesn't make you feel lonely, who doesn't make you question, who doesn't even maybe have female friends, or who maybe has one female friend named Lisa from college who lives in Chicago with her family. Sometimes you have to think about your Relationship like the stock market. Now stay with me here. I can't do basic arithmetic. So here's the dumb Bitches guide to the stock market and why you should think about your relationship like one. If I have $10 and I invest it in a company, that $10 could become literally $500. It could become $0. All right? That's the risk I take. That's the risk we all take in some ways, like, we're all just gambling in life. Your relationship is like the stock market. You put $10 into it, and he's shown you that you're getting about $2 back out of that $10. So you lost money. But you're like, but maybe if I just put another $5 into it, that initial $10 will come back and I'll make like $50. But that's not how it works. Yeah, sure, sometimes that works. But like, I think if you take out the Amazons and the apples and the Googles and whatevers of the world, you kind of see that most companies fail. Most stocks fail, which is why it's dangerous to invest in individual companies. And why, if you're dumb like me, you just put your savings into the s and P500 and it tracks an index fund of the 500 best performing companies. Don't take financial advice from me, but I will say that has worked out. You need to remember that investment is not alignment. That just because you're putting more money in doesn't mean you're getting closer to what you want. Sometimes it just means you're losing money. Think about all the people losing money in Vegas right now. In fact, the casinos in Vegas pretty much rely on people putting in their time and money and into a machine or a game that is more often than not going to fail. The casino owners in Vegas pretty much make their money from a model where people invest their time and money for the small chance that they're going to get more money from their original money. Or the more likely option is that people invest a lot of money and they lose a lot of money and the casino managers get rich. Except in this case, there's no casino manager. But your boyfriend is sort of benefiting from this situation. So maybe he's the casino manager. Yeah, sure, let's go with that. He is getting rich. While you keep playing the slot machine, you keep putting coins and thinking, all right, the next one, the next quarter is going to make me a million dollars. The next one, the next one. And you just keep going. And he keeps showing you that he's not going to give you the three matching slots. My dog just farted. Holy, it smells. And I'm in my closet right now. For those of you listening, you can't see that, but I'm in my closet because I've realized the sound is best in here and the lighting is also best. Oh my God, that smells. Sawyer. That is rough, girlfriend. I know. Okay, where was I? The slot machine. Your boyfriend is a slot machine that's rigged against you. And you keep putting money in, hoping that it's not going to be rigged, that going to be a fair game, and it's not. You're playing a losing game, and the sooner you get out, the sooner you can start healing and start playing a better game. Maybe stop gambling and start actually building. Start creating, all right? Use the money and time you have to go and build something rather than buying lottery tickets, which is kind of what it feels like right now with your current boyfriend. And here's what's interesting about that 99% figure you gave me. Say that it's actually accurate. Say that he is actually amazing 99% of the time and he just sucks the 1% of the time he's having an emotional affair with another woman. All right? Let's say that there was actually a scientific way to quantify that and those figures are accurate. A 1% leak in a ship is still going to eventually sink the ship.
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B
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C
You need a ship that is a hundred percent sealed against water intrusion. And right now you may have a ship that is 99% totally sealed, but there is a 1% hole. And you're like, you know what? I can live with that. No, you can't. Because eventually water, like the little that it is, is going to get in to that hole and start sinking the ship. It may take a very long time. You might say to yourself, well, you know what, I don't need to go into the ship's basement anyways. Who needs that? I'm just going to stay in the upper decks because the basement's starting to fill with water. And then all of a sudden the Upper decks start to fill with water. You're like, oh, just go higher. All right, cool. Now you're on the higher decks. All right? Then that starts to sink after many years, or maybe even a decade or two decades. And then you're like, you know what? It's fine. The mast is still above water. I will cling to the mast, and you're clinging to the mast, but then eventually the mast starts going down, and you're clinging to it because you don't know what else to do. And then you have to let go, because now, at this point, the whole ship has sunk. And guess what's happened? Maybe after 20 years, that 1% hole sank the ship. And maybe it's not even 20 years, maybe it's two years. But what you're left with is you swimming in the ocean, fighting for your life because you refuse to acknowledge the importance of what 1% can do. Don't let the 1% ruin your life. Go find your a hundred percent. Go find your airtight, watertight relationship. Let's not make your life the story of the Titanic, all right? Let's make it the story of a super yacht. Or if that's not your thing, at the very least, a Carnival cruise. Or if cruises aren't your thing, a fucking motorboat that doesn't have holes in it, okay? Whatever your method of water transport may be, just make sure it is 100% there for you. You know that phrase when you know, you know, I know. That's so annoying, but I really think that's true. I knew pretty quickly with Dave that he was gonna be it. I just felt an immediate comfort. It may not have been love at first sight, but it was comfort at first sight. And on that note, as somebody who's always maybe not ambivalent, maybe just skeptical of childbearing at best, of being pregnant, of the idea of bringing children into the world. Something changed over the last couple weeks where I just realized I think we're ready. I almost thought this day wouldn't come. Like, I thought we'd be going into the process of trying to get pregnant, and I'd be, like, gritting my teeth and hating it the whole time. But dare I say it, I'm actually a little bit excited for maybe what the next chapter brings. Granted, this is a decision we made, like, two weeks ago, and, like, you have to time your cycle and everything like that. So we are going to start trying this week, which sounds kind of crazy to tell you all via podcast, but I want to take maybe, like, the weight off of it a little bit. Because at first when we started talking about, I was like, should I share this with you guys? But then I realized, oh, the only reason I wouldn't share it with you guys is if it didn't happen right away or we had difficulties. And if that was the case, I would share that with you guys, too. And maybe I wouldn't share it in real time, but I would eventually share it with you because we eventually would overcome it. So we already did quite a bit of fertility testing, and all signs point to us being able to have a free baby right now, which is great. Free baby, meaning no ivf, Because Dave's company doesn't cover ivf, and I'm a freelancer, so my company does cover ivf, but I am my company, so we're gonna try to have a free baby. I think the funny thing is, is I always thought I'd sort of be questioning this decision, but something happened over the last weeks where I just felt like I had been mentally sound enough, where I was okay with where I was in life, that I felt like I am stable enough to bring a child into this world. And I know it's going to be a shit show if and when it happens, however it happens. Knock on all the wood, guys. Because I've had a lot of friends who've had a lot of fertility issues that had nothing to do with age, was just luck, honestly. So I'm really hoping we don't go through that, because it is really heartbreaking. So fingers crossed. But for anybody who's, like, a little bit ambivalent about having children or scared about having kids, I hope you know that sometimes it does just change. Like, I wouldn't say my ovaries are singing. You know, I don't look at babies, and I'm not like, oh, my God, I need one right now. But, like, I am starting to look at certain children and be like, oh, you're cute, versus, oh, my God, I have to wipe your ass. Like, ooh. So this is when it happens, I guess. And so many people were like, oh, when you turn 30, it's gonna be different. Like, you're gonna feel that shift. And it didn't really happen for me at 30 or 31 or 32 or even 33 and a half. I'm 34, almost 35. I'll be 35 in October. And I'm finally in a place where I feel like, okay, we can do this. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that I don't feel like I gave up my career for my kid. That was something that was super important to me growing up, was that I saw my mom make so many sacrifices for me because there were just simply not enough resources for her to take care of me and have the big, beautiful career she kind of always dreamed of. She has always told me that she was like, you don't need to have kids right away. And so I just wanted to make sure that by the time I had a kid, I wasn't using it as an excuse to not go after my career. Because I know once we have a child, that child will become my purpose. But I also want to make sure I have a purpose and identity outside of that child. And I really love my career, and there are times where it really stresses me out. I'm not going to lie. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't do anything else. I think there's a timing to everything in life, and a lot of things don't happen when they're, quote, unquote, supposed to. I really thought I would be married at 30 and have completely given up on having any shred of a career at 30 and popping out kids by 31 or 32, and that just really didn't happen. I didn't get married until I was 32, and I really wasn't ready to have a child until straight up, like two weeks ago. Things can happen so quickly, and they can also change so quickly. So if you're in the I don't know if I want kids or if you're like me. It's. I know I want a child, but I don't know if I'm ever going to feel ready to be pregnant. Things can change very quickly. And to end this week's episode, I want to leave you all with this quote by Joan Didion. Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant you sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends. And if life as you know it is ending, I hope you know that that paves the way for a new, better one beginning. I'll see you guys next week.