Mel Robbins teaches us how to let go and feel worthy of the life and love we want

Summary

Brutally Anna Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: Mel Robbins teaches us how to let go and feel worthy of the life and love we want
Host: Anna Kai
Guest: Mel Robbins
Release Date: January 27, 2025

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Introduction

In this compelling episode of Brutally Anna, host Anna Kai sits down with renowned motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins to delve deep into the intricacies of self-worth, anxiety, and healthy relationship dynamics. Drawing from Mel's latest insights presented in her new book, The Let Them Theory, the conversation offers listeners practical tools to reclaim their power and foster meaningful connections.

Understanding Self-Worth

Anna kicks off the discussion by posing a fundamental question: "How do we feel worthy in life?" Mel responds thoughtfully, emphasizing that worthiness stems from self-validation rather than external affirmations.

Mel Robbins [02:31]: "The only way to feel worthy is to prove it to yourself. Your worth is in how you treat yourself."

Mel underscores the importance of aligning actions with personal values and treating oneself with respect. She critiques the common misconception of seeking validation from others, explaining that true self-worth is internal and not contingent on external achievements or relationships.

Female Dynamics in Relationships

Anna raises a pertinent point about women often feeling less worthy in relationships, leading them to settle for less than they deserve.

Mel Robbins [05:28]: "The bar is in hell... what we'll put up with as women."

Mel connects this tendency to early childhood conditioning, where women are often taught to prioritize others' happiness over their own needs. This ingrained behavior perpetuates patterns of seeking approval and lowers personal standards in partnerships.

The Let Them Theory

Central to the episode is Mel's Let Them Theory, which advocates for letting others be themselves without trying to control or change them. This theory is pivotal in breaking unhealthy relationship cycles and fostering genuine self-love.

Mel Robbins [05:04]: "If you don't feel worthy, the problem isn't you. The problem is you've given all the power to everyone else."

Mel explains that attempting to change others only leads to frustration and unfulfilling relationships. Instead, recognizing and accepting people as they are empowers individuals to make healthier choices for themselves.

Navigating Anxiety

A significant portion of the conversation addresses anxiety—its origins, manifestations, and strategies to manage it effectively.

Mel Robbins [15:27]: "Anxiety is just an alarm system in your body... it's a moment of uncertainty where you question your capability."

Mel differentiates anxiety from identity, framing it as a natural response to uncertainty rather than a defining trait. She introduces techniques to ground oneself, such as activating the vagus nerve through deep breathing and positive affirmations.

Mel Robbins [19:28]: "To cure anxiety, you have to drop back into your body because your body is where the alarm begins."

She stresses the importance of recognizing anxious feelings without allowing them to overshadow one's sense of self and capabilities.

Letting Go in Relationships and Life

The dialogue transitions to applying the Let Them Theory in various life contexts, particularly in relationships and career decisions.

Mel Robbins [41:26]: "Every single day that you stay, you are trapping yourself in a life that doesn't work."

Mel advocates for taking responsibility for one's happiness by making conscious choices to leave unfulfilling situations. She emphasizes that waiting for others to change only prolongs personal dissatisfaction.

Practical Tools and Strategies

Throughout the episode, Mel shares actionable strategies to implement the Let Them Theory and manage anxiety:

1. A-B-C Conversation:

   • A: Apologize for previous judgments.
   • B: Ask open-ended questions to understand feelings.
   • C: Back off and allow space for change.

2. Vagus Nerve Activation:

   • Pressing the center of the chest.
   • Deep breathing with longer exhales.
   • Affirmations: "I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm capable."

3. Reframing Anxiety:

   • Identifying anxiety as a sign of caring and capability.
   • Shifting focus from negative "what ifs" to positive possibilities.

Real-Life Applications and Stories

Anna and Mel share personal anecdotes illustrating the transformative power of letting go and embracing self-worth. Anna recounts her journey through anxiety in relationships and how recognizing her own capabilities led to healthier partnerships. Mel discusses her transition from a legal career to a motivational speaker, highlighting the importance of following one's true desires despite uncertainty.

Anna [05:04]: "I spent so much energy trying to fix him, and he left me in the end anyways because he said, stop trying to control me."

Mel Robbins [38:51]: "Why shouldn't you? You say, what if? And then you put in something negative."

Conclusion and Empowerment

As the episode nears its end, Mel emphasizes the significance of self-empowerment and personal responsibility. By adopting the Let Them Theory, listeners are encouraged to let go of the need to control others, focus on their own growth, and build relationships grounded in mutual respect and authenticity.

Mel Robbins [77:09]: "If you don't believe me, believe Oprah. [...] Everybody on the planet needs this simple tool of let them let me."

Anna concludes with a heartfelt appreciation of Mel's insights, urging listeners to apply these tools to cultivate a life filled with self-love, purposeful relationships, and resilience against life's inevitable challenges.

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Key Takeaways:

• Self-Worth is Self-Validated: True worth comes from within, not from external sources.
• Let Them Theory: Accept others as they are to foster healthy relationships and personal freedom.
• Manage Anxiety Effectively: Recognize anxiety as a natural response and utilize grounding techniques.
• Take Responsibility: Make conscious choices to leave unfulfilling situations and prioritize personal happiness.
• Empowerment Through Letting Go: Embrace self-empowerment by relinquishing the need to control others.

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Notable Quotes:

• Mel Robbins [02:31]: "The only way to feel worthy is to prove it to yourself."
• Mel Robbins [05:28]: "The bar is in hell... what we'll put up with as women."
• Mel Robbins [19:28]: "To cure anxiety, you have to drop back into your body because your body is where the alarm begins."
• Mel Robbins [38:51]: "Why shouldn't you? You say, what if? And then you put in something negative."
• Mel Robbins [77:09]: "Everybody on the planet needs this simple tool of let them let me."

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This episode of Brutally Anna serves as a powerful guide for anyone seeking to understand and enhance their sense of self-worth, navigate the complexities of relationships, and manage anxiety with grace and resilience. Mel Robbins' insights provide practical steps towards a more empowered and fulfilling life.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

You're intimidated? I had diarrhea last night. Welcome to Brutally Anna, a podcast about finding love, losing love, and all the things we think about but don't talk about. Enough. I'm your host, Anna Kai, AKA maybe both across social media, here to remind you that life can be beautiful even when it's freaking brutal. So the paradox of getting what we want in life often involves doing what we don't want to do. And since 2011, my guest today, Mel Robbins, has been teaching us all how to bridge the gap between the two. For anyone who has ever heard of a podcast, Mel needs no introduction, but in case you need a refresher, her list of accolades include being a multiple New York Times best selling author, one of the most in demand public speakers today, and of course, the host of the chart topping Mel Robbins podcast that has been downloaded more than 187 million times to date. Here today to grace us with some of her wisdom in her new book, the Let Them Theory is Mel, I am literally passing away as we speak. I cannot believe you're here. Thank you so much. What an honor.

[B]

Well, thank you for saying yes.

[A]

Oh my gosh. So I have a whole list of questions I wanted to ask you, but as I was having a mental breakdown on my Uber ride over here today, I. I wanted to ask you this question to start. How do we feel worthy in life?

[B]

Wow, you're gonna start out with a simple one, huh? Let me think about this, because I. The answer is gonna sound simple, but it's actually the only way. The only way to feel worthy is to prove it to yourself. You will feel worthy when your actions align with the things that you would be doing and the things you would be saying and the way that you would spend your Time and who you would spend your time with. Literally, you will feel worthy. Like I want you to. I want you to think about what does worthy even mean to you and to me. Worthy means you are respected, you're admired. You are a person that has a lot of values. You are somebody that is respected and treated with kindness. And if you treat yourself with respect, if you operate in a way where you have character and your actions align with your values, if you're kind to yourself, you are proving to yourself that you are worthy. The huge problem that we have is that we look outside of ourselves for worthiness. We think that if we perform at work, we think that if somebody that we're interested in likes us back, that that person makes us worthy. And that's not where your worth is, never has been. Your worth is in how you treat yourself. And that's what we get wrong about it. And that's why so many of us feel like we're not worthy of the things that we want. Because we're putting our power out there first. And you gotta take it back and you gotta figure out if I felt worthy, how would I treat myself? What would I say to myself? That's where you have to start. And that's actually the thesis of this book. Like the whole thesis of the let them theory is that if you don't feel worthy, the problem isn't you. The problem is you've given all the power to everyone else. You think what everybody else thinks matters. You think everybody else's moods is more important than your happiness. And you have to stop giving your power to other people. You got to take it back and you got to just put it right back in here. You start with you.

[A]

That's the crux of so many people when they date is that they don't feel worthy of the man they want. For women especially. Why do you think this is particularly a female issue too? I'm not saying that men don't struggle with worthiness and insecurity, but I do feel like that women in particular are more willing to lower themselves and their standards in order to be with anyone. Like, the bar is in hell.

[B]

Uh huh. Well here. Did you say the bar is in hell?

[A]

The bar is in hell. Yeah. Some of these DMs I get, she's like, like, you know, they always give you the precursor, like, he's great, he does this, he does this for me. But actually he's horribly abusive to me. He won't let me see my friends. Like the bar is truly in hell. Like what we'll put up with as women.

[B]

Okay, so there's two questions here that I want to talk about. The first one is you ask why. And why does this happen for women more than men? I do think it happens for men. I really do. But I think for women, if we go into the why, it has everything to do with the conditioning of your childhood. Everything to do with the way that we look at little girls and how we expect little girls to act. And so many of us grew up thinking that in order to get the love that you need, in order to be seen in your household, that you have to either be quiet or you have to behave, or you have to get really good grades. And that mom and dad are in good moods when you get really good grades. And that's what love means. Love means to perform. It means to make sure everybody is happy around you. And so we become very adaptive in our behavior. If you think about it, biologically, children can't provide for themselves. They can't go out in the world and work. They can't make food. We rely on other human beings for our survival. We're the only species that operates this way. And so we have to make sure that the adults around us take care of us. And so it's one of the reasons why we're constantly checking people's moods. Because from a survival standpoint, we had to. We had to make sure that mom and dad were going to take care of us and that we were going to get the attention that we need. And for a lot of us, there was a mismatch in terms of what your parents could give you and what you actually needed. And when there's a mismatch and there's a mismatch for everybody, you start to feel invisible. You start to think that there's something wrong with you. And then you start bending over backwards to get what you need. And so I think it begins in childhood. But then you step into school, and you step into school, and now it becomes about what groups can you be a part of. And one of the reasons why this is important to understand is because it's going to take us to the let them theory, which is that we all have a hardwired need for control. And I got to feel in control of what I'm thinking, of my decisions, of what's happening at work, of my future. And the problem is that there are going to be times that somebody behaves in a way or says something that makes you feel a little out of control. It makes you worry. It Makes you feel nervous. It makes you feel hurt. And so when someone else's behavior is something that you don't want or that you're confused by or whatever, now that triggers my need to control. And so here's where we make a mistake. We then try to control the other person. But here's the problem. The other person has the same need to be in control of their behavior. And so that creates this conflict where we're controlling the wrong things. Your power is never in the other person, ever. And so until you realize that, you will forever be chasing losers and tolerating bullshit and allowing yourself to be stepped on because you think the change is going to come from over there, it never will. All the change comes from in here. And I'm so excited for women in particular to start saying let them. Because when you say let them, you are recognizing in a split second that you can't control another human being's behavior. And in your example of that DM of somebody who's in a relationship with somebody who is emotionally abusive, who is gaslighting them, who, you know, sneaks out like a cat in the morning, and you're telling yourself that they're actually interested in you, that's fucking bullshit. It is not that person who's the problem. It's you. Because you are unwilling to recognize that somebody's behavior is the truth about how they feel about you. It is the truth about where you are as a priority in their life. And there is no confusing behavior. Behavior is very black and white. The only thing that's confusing is the fucking story you're telling yourself about the behavior because you refuse to let them be who they are.

[A]

I love that. There is no confusing behavior. We need to write that down. Because looking back on my 20s, the amount of times I was able to gaslight myself into believing that they cared more about me than they actually did. I have one ex in particular. I remember he had a substance abuse problem. And I thought, if only I could be his savior and fix him and get him over these substances and, you know, heal him, then I'll be happy because we'll be together and we'll be fine. And I spent so much energy trying to fix him, and he left me in the end anyways because he said, stop trying to control me. Just let me do what I want. I've got a handle on this. He didn't think he had a problem, which I didn't know at the time. I was like, oh, no. But if I show you and I lead by example, you know, you'll follow suit because I was sober at the time and I was just like, oh, this doesn't work because you don't want this. But then when I met my husband, what happened was I thought I had my life together for the most part. My career was all over the place. But I was like, mentally, I know where I am, who I am. You know, I think I know like what's going on with me at this point. I was 27 years old and you think you know everything.

[B]

You're late 20s.

[A]

I look back, I was like, I knew nothing. And I met my husband, who is not a perfect person, but he fixed himself. He was like, I have my own issues, but I don't need you to fix me. And it was only then that I realized that I am fucking crazy. I developed such bad anxiety when I was with my husband, way worse than when I was with all of those abusive and emotionally manipulative exes. Because for the first time I had to focus on me instead of the other person.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I had been using throughout my 20s men as a distraction for getting away from doing the internal work. I was going to therapy, but I wasn't talking about me and my childhood and all that trauma because I was like, oh, I've dealt with that trauma. I thought I was healed from it. I was like, it's just this problem. I just have a problem with the relationship.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not everything else, you know, I.

[B]

So relate to that. I was, let's just be clear, I was a walking red flag in my 20s. Walking red flag. I dated wonderful, amazing human beings. And every one of these guys met me when I was so self destructive. I had no idea what my issues were. I had no idea how to control my anxiety or my toxic behavior. And you're right, you're absolutely right that there are so many of you know, the person. You know, if you're listening and spending time with us right now, you're probably either nodding along because you're recognizing yourself and what Anna's talking about, or what I'm talking about, or you recognize a friend. And the thing is, is that if you are in a situation where you have a pattern, there's actually research around this. If you have a pattern of relationships where the relationship blows up, or you keep dating people that are not available, or you yourself are the toxic one, or you're meeting people and you're cheating as you're meeting them and then you're expecting them not to cheat. This isn't as random as you think, like one kind of bad, toxic relationship that happens to everybody. But if you find yourself in a string of going, well, they were crazy. Well, they were crazy. And you're calling that person the crazy one. You have no business being in a relationship right now. You have to do the work to figure out why is it that you constantly are drawn to people that are not available or who treat you in a way that is less than what you should tolerate from somebody. And the somebody I'm talking about in terms of tolerating it is yourself. And if you do not understand that chasing people and chasing the potential and chasing people that need to be fixed so that you feel like you have a project and that you're worthy, that's a pattern that is going to lead you to very self destructive behavior. And if that is you just like it used to be me, you gotta take time away from relationships and actually do the work on yourself. Otherwise you're gonna keep repeating this. I mean, you got lucky cause you started a relationship with your now husband and that created the space for you to go, oh shit. This is what it's like to be with somebody who actually.

[A]

It was excruciating. I remember after a year of being settled into that relationship, I'd always known I was an anx and I'd had kind of moments of, you know, depression, but I never thought it was an issue. And as soon as I settled into the relationship with him, I developed really bad obsessive compulsive disorder. Not in the, you know, in the pathology, you know, the pathological way. Like I could not stop the looping thoughts. What they call clinically pure ocd. I thought I was going blind for eight months.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It was absurd even saying it out loud. Now I'm like, this is wild. And we joke about it now because I'm past it. But for some reason, something somebody said triggered something in me because I got LASIK right when I was 24 and I heard somebody at work saying their LASIK was regressing and it just lodged in my brain. And for a person who does not struggle with ocd, that's like, okay, well is my vision regressing a little, that's fine. You know that happens, right? I took that in. My brain was like, you're going blind. Because it was the lack of control that I had over my own mind and it just went haywire. And that never happened until I met my husband because I never had the space.

[B]

Well, so you were just. So I want to teach you something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So because so many people struggle with anxiety, it's really important to understand a new way to talk about it. So anxiety is just an alarm system in your body. That's all that it is. And anytime you're about to do something that feels a little unknown or makes you feel a little uncertain, you're gonna feel a wave of anxiety. So you got stress diarrhea last night because you had a little bit of anxiety, because it was unknown how I was gonna be, how this conversation that we're having was gonna go. And so you're in a moment where you are feeling this little wave. Now, anxiety, nerves, and stress are the exact same thing. All it is is your body going into a mode where it's going to flood you with some neurochemicals for a particular reason to get you to kind of pay attention. So you get anxiety before a big interview. You get an anxiety before you ask someone on a date. You get anxiety if a car cuts you off and the car cuts you off in traffic and the wave comes up and then you flip the wheel to move out of the way and your heart races and your armpits sweat and your hands get all clammy. Why? Because all the blood is rushing to your heart and your brain to try to get you to be able to pay attention in a moment. Why? Because your body cares about you being safe. And in the case of an interview, or in the case of a presentation or going on a date, your body knows that you care about it. So it's trying to get you to be able to really pay attention. That's what kind of fight or flight is to get you ready to go. Here's the problem with anxiety. In the situation with a truck cutting you off, as soon as the truck pulls out and the car is safe again, the body all of a sudden lowers, right? Things go back to normal. In the case of an interview at work, as soon as the interview is over, things go back to normal. Unless you're beating the hell out of yourself about what you wish you had said, right? The problem with anxiety, and this is what you experienced, is that the alarm never turns off, right? And the reason why it never turns off, though, is because you go upstairs and you start thinking obsessively. Not just you, all of us. Because I struggled with anxiety for decades. I didn't even understand kind of what was happening. And this is why I want to stop and explain this. Because so many of you feel out of control when it comes to dating. You feel out of control because there's so many things going. So many things going on in your life, especially in your 20s and your 30s, that are uncertain, that do make you have this moment where you're like, what if? Now, here's where it gets interesting. We focus on the what if? And the uncertainty, Anna. But in a moment of anxiety, all that it is is it's a moment of uncertainty where you question your capability and capacity to handle it. And what we do is we focus on the uncertain part and we start going, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if? And then, of course, you start to become obsessive, whether it's about a person that you just met or it's about your go. Your Lasik eye surgery, because you are literally plowing that thought over and over and over and over and over into your mind. And here's what I want to tell you. You will never actually cure anxiety from the neck up.

[A]

What do you mean by that?

[B]

What I mean by that is the alarm is actually in your body. In order to cure anxiety and OCD and anything that is like you being on edge or you constantly question yourself, you gotta actually drop back into your body because your body is where the alarm begins.

[A]

So how do we do that, like breath work? Do we get more in touch with the physical body?

[B]

That's a great question. The first thing is to actually know that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And the second thing is to basically be able to remind yourself that you're capable of facing anything truly. Like, even the thought, what if the Lasix. Well, if you were to literally recognize that you just went neck up and now you're up here, and this is where doubt is. This is where, like, all of the negativity is. This is where you question. This is where your lack of worth is. And when you're up here and you're feeling the stir, this is a signal, like, you gotta drop back down here. And so a couple things. One, I never want you ever again to ever say, I have anxiety, ever.

[A]

Oh, that's gonna be real tough, but.

[B]

Well, because.

[A]

It's why I say now.

[B]

Well, if you say, I have anxiety.

[A]

I feel the heebie jeebies.

[B]

No, you can say, I feel anxious or I feel nervous, because.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

And the reason why this is important is because when you say, I feel nervous or I feel anxious or I'm a little worried about because, you identified it as a feeling which is down here. And the because forces you to look and identify at the thing that is actually causing the feeling. And when you do that, you detach a Little from it. And you can look at it and then you say, but I'm capable of either surviving this or I'm capable of figuring it out.

[A]

I love that. Because it becomes less of an identity and more of a passing feeling. Because so many of us who struggle with mental health, it's like, this is who I am.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

I'm an anxious depressive.

[B]

Bullshit. It's not who you are. It's not who you are. I'm sorry. It's who you've become in moments of stress.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have trained yourself to question your capability.

[A]

And you know, I remember you saying in an interview that your viral TED talk from 2011, I think, where you really went viral after that, I think it took a year or two. But you said that that was actually a 21 minute panic attack.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Which is wild. Cause then after I heard you say that, I went back to watch it again. Cause I was like, I don't remember that being that weird. And I went back and I watched it and you and I kind of did a little bit of a play by play where you were calling out your own actions. You're like, watch me as I pace the stage. Like I'm just going back and forth. Cause I don't know what I'm doing. And then at one point I jump off of the stage. And that wasn't intentional. Like I'm just trying to get away. And I was like, it all looked so coordinated to me.

[B]

And if you look closely, I had that neck rash that people get when they are drunk. Like a minute in all of a.

[A]

Sudden I got the blue Asian glow.

[B]

And so this is really important because look, I struggled with anxiety for a long time. In fact, I literally don't remember most of my high school years and my college and my law school years because I wasn't present because I was up here and I was in a state of fight or flight. And so I am here to tell you that anxiety is a crisis of doubting your capability. That's what it is. And you train yourself because none of us know what it is. And it gets really scary when you feel like it. You train yourself to run away, to avoid. That's exactly what I did. It's exactly what everybody does. And then when you keep doing that, it becomes the default in any moment of uncertainty. You know, look, I made my daughter. I made my daughter Kendall's anxiety when she was really, really little in middle school. She started having anxiety because she would wake up in the middle of the night and she would have this wave hit her, and she'd be scared, and then she would come downstairs and I would let her sleep in our bed. And then when that got annoying, I would just make a bed on the floor. And do you want to know what I was teaching her? I was teaching her that in moments where you feel a little nervous, that you're not capable of handling it. I made her anxiety worse because I did not wake up and put my arm around her and say, we're gonna go back upstairs. And I know this is a little scary, and I know that you're worried about this, but I know you can handle this. And in life, if you're someone that struggles with anxiety, you have to learn how to put your arm around yourself. And when you understand that this is not your identity and you are not stuck with this at all. This is something that I hate to say easily, but you're looking at a woman that literally let anxiety be the dominant experience of my life for decades. Do not do that to yourself. Break it down. I feel anxious because. And then one thing that you can do, there's this thing called, you know, if we use the terminology of an alarm. Right. So when you feel that wave come up, here's what I want you to understand. Sometimes that wave of anxiety is a sign that you're mentally healthy. It's a mentally healthy response to be nervous before a date. It means you care. It's a mentally healthy response to be nervous before a big interview because you care. It's a mentally healthy response to feel slightly nervous about talking at work, in a meeting because you care about what people think about you. That means things are working as they should be working. It's mentally healthy. If you're depressed after somebody breaks up with you, that's a sign that you're actually processing something. And instead we think that there's something wrong. You know, it's actually a mentally healthy response if you're nervous around the person you're dating, if they treat you like crap because you're actually signaling and alarming to yourself that this isn't a safe thing for you. This isn't an aligned thing for you. And what. What I want you to understand is that anytime from this point forward, you're just going to say, oh, I feel nervous. Oh, I feel a little anxious. Because now we identify what the situation is or what the thing is. And even if you're like, I'm not really quite sure. I just feel nervous about everything. The becauses. Because my life isn't where I want it to be. And then here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put our hand right here, right in the center of your chest. Ready? And you're gonna press in. Because what we're doing is you're actually toning what's called the vagus nerve.

[A]

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[B]

The vagus nerves runs from literally your butt all the way through all your organs, through your vocal cords and up to the top of your head. It's the on off switch for the arm.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This thing is so cool. I wish I knew about this when I was little. This works like a charm. You're just gonna push right here. I'm gonna take a deep breath in, and then we're going to exhale. And then you're going to say, I'm okay.

[A]

I'm okay.

[B]

I'm safe.

[A]

I'm safe.

[B]

I'm loved.

[A]

I'm loved.

[B]

And I'm capable.

[A]

And I'm capable.

[B]

And then you can fill in the blank. I'm capable of asking this person out. I'm capable of getting through this interview. I am capable of figuring it out if something happens with my eyeballs. And what you're doing when you take a deep breath in, it's like hitting the pause for a minute over the alarm. The exhale just needs to be longer than the inhale. Because when you exhale out longer than the inhale, what you're doing is you're signaling to your brain and your body. I'm actually in control here. And then when you press here, you're toning. That's the word that researchers use, the vagus nerve, which to me is like the on off switch. You're switching between fight or flight. Calm. Cool. I got this shit. Those are the two nervous systems I'm freaking out, or I'm calm, cool, and I got this shit and I'm capable. And then as you say those four things in the moment, it's true. And so it's a way to settle yourself back down into your body. Because let me. Dr. Russell Kennedy says all anxiety is separation anxiety. And what that means. You're separated from self, you're separated from your power. And that gets me back to the thing that absolutely all of us need to understand. Anytime you feel nervous or anxious or hurt or upset or stressed, or you just aren't as happy as you'd like to be, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power you're giving to either someone else or a situation out there. And what we're going to talk about a lot is you got to take that power back and separate and you've got to take that power back and actually reconnect with that, the power in here. Because there are three things in life you can control, only three. You can control what you think about something. You can control what you do and don't do. And you can control how you allow your emotions to rise or fall, or whether you allow your emotions to run you over. That's all you got. And so anybody that's in a relationship, for example, or you're bitching because you don't like how somebody's treating you, stop going over there. Let them, let them, let them. Most of the anxiety and worries, by the way, that you feel, are from trying to control the uncontrollable. You actually can't control whether or not your eyeballs are going to regress. You can't let them. You got to trust in your capacity to be able to figure it out, to be able to be okay. Do you see what I mean?

[A]

I love the word capable because I haven't thought about it in a long time. And I think when I look back at my 20s and my early 30s and even this present moment is that I always doubted that I was capable of what I wanted to achieve and of the relationship that I wanted. And I always give this example because I think if I had known that I was going to survive Covid the pandemic and all my loved ones would survive. And I know a lot of people didn't. So I know I'm privileged to say that we survived and we were fine. I spent four months as a 30 year old with my then boyfriend, who's now my husband, living at home with my parents as an adult and having that opportunity to really Be with them as an adult. And my husband got to know them in a way that he couldn't have because they're immigrants. So, you know, there was a cultural divide. And he got to know them in a way that he couldn't have if it wasn't for Covid.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And instead of just enjoying that four month break, and really what I should have done is learned every single one of my mom's Chinese cooking recipes. Like, I had so much time. Right. I just spent all four months freaking out because I was like, we're not gonna survive. We're not gonna do this. And that's how I've spent my entire life. It's like, if I look back at my 20s right now, I spent the entire time worrying about if I was going to ever have a career. And, you know, but see, here's what.

[B]

I want you to understand. So it's normal to worry. Yeah, it's actually a good thing to want things to work out. It's a good thing to be questioning. You know, the thing about being stuck and being worried is that we don't really understand that it's actually a good thing. Because if you're actually saying to yourself, I feel really stuck, I feel really lost, I'm concerned. I'm not going to figure that out. You know what that tells me? It tells me you want to figure it out. It tells me that you are actively questioning whether or not where you are is actually in alignment with who you know yourself to be and what you think you want in life. And if you're in a situation in life where you feel stuck or you feel lost, good, Good. Because it means you're not actually supposed to stay where you are. This is your body again, working as it should. Kind of going, wake the fuck up. Like all this partying and hanging out with people that talk about the same shit every weekend over and over and over again. This is just not feeling right for me. And then we have this moment where we don't know what we want next and we go right up here and then we start to do all this and tell ourselves that we're never gonna figure it out. So you've just separated from your power. Nope. You gotta drop back in. You gotta settle yourself down, and you can settle yourself a bazillion different ways. Go for a walk. You always feel better after a walk. There's a lot of research why you could stop drinking for a little bit. Because the number one symptom of a hangover is anxiety. Because as you're Sleeping, and the alcohol is getting processed in your body, your blood sugar drops. And that happens at the same time that cortisol lifts. And that's why you wake up in the morning and you have all kind of regret. And if you took Zoloft, the number one kind of side effect of Zoloft is you freaking black out if you drink, which nobody told me there went a whole decade in my 20s. And so there are things you can do to actually quiet the alarm. Because feeling stuck or lost or feeling discouraged or feeling like you're in a relationship and it's just like, not kind of working. This is great news because your body is telling you that you're not in the right thing. And the mistake that we make is we go up here and we start to question, we gotta drop down. And here's another tool you can use. First of all, let them. Let them. Let them is going to help you release control of all these things that are stressing you out. Let your mother be disappointed. Let your boss be in a bad mood. Let this person that you were interested in not want a commitment. Let them. Because the more you obsess about other people, the more anxiety you create for yourself because you will never be able to control another person. And it's not your job to manage people's moods. So just let them. And you're going to feel instant peace and instant release. And then you got to say the second part, which is, let me. Let me remind myself that I'm in control of what I do about this or I don't do. Let me remind myself that I can literally just put my hand on my heart and do that dumb thing Mel Robbins was talking about. And it actually works. Let me remind myself I can go for a walk. Let me remind myself I can leave any job, any interview, any date, any text chain, any friend group, any conversation, anytime I want. You're not actually stuck, but if you stay up here, you're going to keep yourself stuck. And we forget that you have so much power. You have so much power, and the power is in your actions.

[A]

Well, you live that by example because you had a former career, you were a law student and you were a criminal defense attorney. And then I dug up an interview where you were a legal analyst. You were commenting on the George Zimmerman trial. I believe somebody described you as vintage Mel in that video. And I love that. I was like. Cause you didn't have the glass. I was like, oh, my gosh, it's Mel Robbins, but not the Mel Robbins we know today. And I'm curious, because most people at that stage would have been like, this is my career. You were successful. You were established. Why fuck up your life and try something else?

[B]

Why shouldn't you? You know, too many of you. And by you, I mean you, Anna, and the person that's spending time with us together right now. You say, what if? And then you put in something negative.

[A]

Oh, I catastrophize.

[B]

Oh, I'm gonna change your life. You ready?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What if it all works out? Can you say that?

[A]

I could say it, but am I gonna believe it?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

What if it all works out? What if it all works out?

[B]

Yeah, because you don't know. You don't know whether it is going to or it's not. And again, you're doubting your capability and your capacity to figure it out.

[A]

Did you always know you could do it when you left your job?

[B]

No.

[A]

How were you feeling at the time?

[B]

Well, I mean, there are multiple times that I've left jobs. I've left jobs because I've gotten fired. I've let. Like, I've been a terrible. I've realized I'm a terrible employee. So, like. And I've also left jobs because, again, you know, I worked for a large law firm in Boston. I was a public defender in New York City when I got out of law school and did that for four years. And we moved to Boston because my husband got into a business school and had a job up there. And I worked for a large law firm. And luckily I got pregnant and on maternity leave, I started to have anxiety. And I didn't know then what I know now about anxiety. So it became consuming. And if I had used that sentence, I feel anxious, because the answer would have been, I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. The idea of walking into a job that I dreaded was making me feel that alarm. That's a sign that I'm in the wrong job. That's not a sign that I'm mentally unhealthy. That's not an indictment that I have anxiety. That is my body working as it should because I'm not meant to be there anymore. And it's sounding the alarm. Wake up, Mel. All this dread that you feel means that you're not going to the right job. And if you feel that about a relationship, there's something about the relationship that either needs to change or you need.

[A]

To change or you need to get out of the.

[B]

Or you need to get out of the relationship.

[A]

This is where people stop because Inertia is the most powerful force.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So so many people feel what you felt in their careers, in their relationships, and they just can't leave. So what's the difference between bullshit? You can leave, they don't feel like it.

[B]

Now, hold on.

[A]

Okay, you can leave, right?

[B]

You won't.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Every single day that you stay, you are trapping yourself in a life that doesn't work. And that's not on your boss, that's not on the person you're dating. That's on you. You are absolutely capable of leaving that relationship and finding something better. How do I know? Because you're in a relationship, so you are clearly capable of being in a relationship, which means you could be in another one. You're in a job, which means you got that job, which means you are capable of finding another job. And we spend again, my boss. You know how many bosses there are out there? If you would stop bitching about your job and if you would stop spending your weekends getting drunk because you want to, you know, party off the stress of a job you can't stand, do you know how much time and energy you would have to be able to find something better?

[A]

I mean, in terms of relationships, this is so true. I know so many women that will spend years, if not a decade or more waiting around for a guy to give them what they want. And I'm thinking of a couple of friends of mine and they want their own biological children. And they meet a guy in their early 30s and they're like, oh, we still have time. I can work on him. He said he doesn't want to get married. He says he doesn't want to have kids. I will change his mind. And guess what? Now they're in their 40s, it's getting really hard to biologically have your own child. And they're still waiting. And it's so crazy from a third party perspective, because to you and I, who are not in the relationship, who are not in these women's minds, we're like, why wouldn't you just leave? You know, year two or year three, that's plenty of time.

[B]

I'll tell you why.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The longer you stay in something, the more your brain starts to trick you to continue to stay. It's something called sunk costs. It's a cognitive bias. And if you've already wasted a year or five years or a decade with the wrong person, you're concerned about having to admit everybody was right. You have this kind of gaslighting effect in your own mind that has you feel like Continuing to work on this is the right answer. And here's what I'm gonna say. People reveal who they are and what they care about through their behavior. If you want to get married or you want biological children and you are with somebody who says, I don't want that, or they're like, I don't know, I'm not sure. They're not the problem, you are because you refuse to let them be who they are. You're refusing to accept reality. You're living in a fantasy in your mind instead of accepting the reality of the situation you're in. And again, that's on you. And if you are serious about wanting to get married, it is a form of self abuse to continue to stay with somebody who does not. And it is going to one, you're going to wake up and realize that you wasted your life with the wrong person and you always had the power to leave. And this is, I think, the crux of why people are having so much trouble dating and so much trouble in relationships. Number one, when you're in a relationship, you will not just accept the person as they are, Period. People only change when they're ready to change. People only change when they feel like changing. And nobody is going to change for you. People only change for themselves. And if you think that you can push someone to change, you can pressure them to change, it's not happening. You have to look at the person that you're with right now and say, if nothing changes about this person, nothing. They don't get in shape, they don't make more money, they don't become more ambitious, they don't ever want kids. Can you choose that person as they are and be happy? And if the answer's no, you have to let them be who they are. And then you gotta come back to the second part. Let me. Let me be honest with myself and take responsibility for my life. Now, the word responsibility is the ability to respond. Ooh, right. And what are you responding to? You're responding to the truth. You're responding to the reality. And if you choose to stay in a relationship with a human being that you are quietly resenting and hoping will change, then you are not living in reality and you are not taking responsibility for what you want. And it is the source of your lack of worth and your lack of confidence and the stress and the anxiety that you feel because your heart and soul knows that this is not the right thing and it's not the other person's problem. It's your responsibility. And so you have to let them reveal who they are. And then you gotta let me choose. And the only way you know, if you are choosing a person fully, that you can accept and love somebody fully, as if you're not bitching about something about them. And look, there's lots of irritating things about people, but is it a deal breaker? And here's how you know, if you can't give up your complaining about this topic and you're going to quietly resent this person, it's a deal breaker. I mean, let's flip rules here. Would you want to be with somebody who is quietly going, you know, if only Hannah were, you know, a little taller or she wanted this or wanted that, you know, she could be better. I'll stick around. But then I'm gonna quietly be mad at her because she's not who I want. Is that the kind of person? No, no.

[A]

It's not fair to the other person either. They deserve to find somebody that loves them exactly as they are. Flaws and all, but I don't care.

[B]

About the other person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because the power is not in them.

[A]

It's in you.

[B]

It's in you and your energy and what you accept and what you don't accept. And this is where everybody gets it wrong. And I'm going to tell you, there's some great research about this. First of all, when they look at long term couples that have successful long term committed partnerships, only 11% had the spark in the beginning.

[A]

Only 11%, that's such a nebulous term too. The spark, you know, like I don't.

[B]

The remainder, the 89%. Slow burn, slow burn. Because the more you get to know somebody, the more you start to realize that the six pack abs, they're gonna disappear. The. All the stuff, the hairline, it's going. All of the things that make somebody wildly exciting and all that stuff, it's not what actually matters. See, over time you start to realize that you align on values that you want the same things that the person feels more like home base that when you come home at the end of the day, like this is your person and that's what matters. And we get so caught up in what things look like and chasing like shiny fancy people and how it's going to look on Instagram and all this bullshit. And at the end of the day, if you truly want a long term committed partnership, it's not about the things that are on the outside, it's about how the person makes you feel on the inside. And whether or not your values and the things that you want in life align. And there's also research around the fact that 69% of the stuff that couples complain about and bicker about, not changing. The fact that somebody's sloppy, the fact that they talk too loud, the fact that they, you know, whatever it may be, not changing. What you really have to pay attention to is, first of all, at a baseline, how do you feel about you when you're around this person? And if you're on edge or you're nervous or you're constantly trying to fix things or everything's on you, probably not the right person. But the real deal breakers are, are the values aligned? And do you have to give up on dreams of yours, like having children or traveling the world or living somewhere else or living close to your parents? These things matter. If being with this person makes you give up on some dream of yours or makes you compromise on your values, it will not work. It will become the reason why you get divorced and why you waste a decade with the wrong person. And you have to let them reveal who they are, and then you got to take responsibility, and that's your ability to respond to the situation. And look, one of the biggest fears is being the single friend again. One of the biggest fears is knowing that you just poured another year or two into a relationship and now you're back out there again. If I told you that the love of your life is not in the present or the past, but they are in your future, how would you spend your time right now? How would you spend your time right now?

[A]

I mean, I think the problem is, is that if you could guarantee it in the future, everybody would spend their time in productive, fruitful ways. But it's the control and the fear of the unknown.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So that's the problem.

[B]

But again, let's go back to what I'm trying to teach you. Ready? I'm teaching you to stop focusing on the unknown and focus on the fact that you're capable of figuring it out. And the way that you know that you're capable is that you prove it through your actions.

[A]

While some people like to unwind at the end of the night to their favorite Netflix show, I like to unwind by opening my favorite app, the Redfin app. Because for the last year and a half, Dave and I have been searching high and low in this crazy real estate market for our forever home. And I am so happy to report that we found it finally via Redfin. We'll be moving in a few short weeks, and it's all thanks to my love Affair with Redfin and their easy to use app, the first step in finding our forever home was using Redfin's open house search feature that lists all the open houses in our area for the upcoming weekend. We walked into this house's open house and voila, made an offer. And here we are. So whether you're looking to buy or rent your next place, you need the Redfin app. Redfin makes it fun to search all the homes and apartments in your neighborhood. And if you find a place you love, Redfin makes it easy to go see it in person. Just schedule a tour right from the app. Plus, if you're looking to sell, Redfin agents know how to get you the best price possible. Because they close twice as many deals as other agents. And with a listing fee as low as 1%, Redfin's fees are half of what others often charge. So whether you're looking to buy, rent, or sell, download the Redfin app to get started.

[B]

And look, one of the interesting things that happened with this book is my daughter, who's 25, and I wrote this together, and we were in the section about love and using the let them theory to learn how to let people be who they are and learn how to love people as they are and as they're not. So you're creating space for true connection and love and acceptance to grow between two people and to stop pressuring people to be something that they're not. And we get to the section after, you know, kind of understanding, is this relationship one that's compatible? And the way that you tell is, are the issues in the relationship deal breakers or not? Are you talking about something that is a fundamental value that you're compromising on, or are you just talking about something that's slightly annoying, that you need to learn to let go and let them right? And let me be a little bit more tolerant over this behavior, even though it drives me bananas. Then we get to the breakup section, and my daughter starts working on it because we've compiled all the notes and done all the research. And so she starts assembling it in the morning. And that night her boyfriend of two years breaks up with her. And she's like, I hate to let them carry. I'm not letting him walk out the door and letting him sleep with somebody else and letting him do this and letting him do that. And it was like she does the.

[A]

Exact opposite of everything you've been working on.

[B]

And the let them doesn't make it easy. It actually makes it possible for you to move on because why would you want to be with somebody who's already left?

[A]

That's good.

[B]

You have to let them leave, as painful as that is.

[A]

But I have a question for you because I love this. I watched you and Chris talking about your marriage and how you guys have gone through a lot together, and you talk about your in the boat theory. So I want you to touch on that for people who haven't watched that video. But I love this that you said, I found myself way too many times in a raft with my friends bitching about you versus being in the boat with you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So I guess two things. Can you explain that in the boat theory? But also, how do we know when to hold on and work on the relationship and be in the boat? And how do we know when we really need to get out? Because we're the only one in the boat.

[B]

Okay, great question. So let's do the first one. How do you know being in the boat is very simple. You're either both in the boat together or one of you is abandoned ship. Another metaphor that I love is think about a relationship like a teeter totter. Any relationship is going to go through ups and downs, and there will be times where you're in balance. Okay. The secret is no one gets off. Because the second somebody gets off that teeter totter, it goes one way. Yes. And if you look at any breakup that you've been through or any relationship that you've been in, you can tell when somebody stepped off the teeter totter. And it's usually six months before the breakup because nobody wants to have that conversation. So we avoid it like the plague and we quietly quit. And to have a successful relationship, all that you need are two people that want it to work and two people who are willing to do the work to make it work. And if you don't have those two things, it's not going to work. Because you can't fix something on your own. If somebody's not committed to it working, it's never going to be satisfying for you. And so how do you determine whether or not issues are things about compatibility? It comes down to, you have to let them. You have to let them be who they are. If they're telling you that they want to move back home to their small town and be right next to their family, and that's the last thing you want to do because you dream of moving overseas and being close to your family, you have to let them reveal who they are. And then you have to come back to the. Let me part Because I get to choose what I think, I get to choose what I do, I get to choose how I process my feelings. And these are deeply personal things. You have to ask yourself, are you going to be able to support your partner in the things that they want to do and give up on what you want and not resent them?

[A]

I think it's the last part that, and not resent them, you have to.

[B]

Be able to choose it. Because if you move, let's say to that small town quietly hoping they're going to change your mind or you'll eventually move back, it's not going to work because you are not actually choosing it, you are hoping that they're going to change. And one of the fundamental principles of the let them theory is you cannot change other people. And people reveal who they are through their behavior. And if you're in a situation where you want different things, you're not compatible. If the things that your partner wants means you have to give up on your dreams. If they've always wanted a stay at home wife and you have big ambitions and they're adamant that they don't want you to work, you've got to let them, let them want that. Don't fight it because your power is not in that, it's in over here. Let me decide what I want and let me choose whether or not this is the relationship for me. You know, if you're with somebody right now who's not ambitious at all, do not be up in the fantasy of your mind thinking this person is somehow going to get a spark in their ass and they're going to climb the ladder and, you know, suddenly be a gajillionaire. They have just revealed who they are. They have revealed that they're not ambitious. They may be ambitious in the future, but why spend time in a fantasy in your mind? You have to let them because you've got to learn to accept the reality of what's right in front of you.

[A]

Well, the sun cost theory is why they do it. And I have a girlfriend. I was having this conversation with her the other day. She's 36 years old, which is young by any stretch of the imagination. And she married somebody that she's not that compatible with. But he's a good guy. And that's the problem. It's so much easier to leave the guy who was abusive, right? He's a good guy, he's a good dad, they've got a kid and why.

[B]

Is she not happy?

[A]

They have fundamentally different values when it comes to money. She's pretty ambitious. She's motivated in her career to keep earning more, doing more. She wants a big life. She likes nice things. And he is like, I could go camping and live in the woods.

[B]

I married a guy like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So here's the thing, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The number one reason why couples break up is money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And your partners. Your ambition is not your partner's responsibility. It's yours.

[A]

Right. But. But she has gotten to the point where they can't. They've gone to therapy and they're trying to work it out, and they just keep fighting about the same shit. Because at the end of the day, she wants to spend money and he doesn't want her to spend the money. And I asked her the other day, I was like, well, what are you doing? Because, you know, divorce is an option. I know you have a child. He's very young right now, so he won't know any different. You can leave. And she was like, I don't feel like I can. Which you would say. She doesn't want to leave. And she has said, I feel dead inside, but that's okay. A lot of people live like this. So I could just live like this for the rest of my life. And I literally said to her, I was like, I want to shake you. You're going to live the rest of your life. She was like, you know what? Maybe I'll just focus on my son. I love my son to death.

[B]

Here's a question I have.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If she makes money and works, why the fuck is he telling her what to do with her money? Now, here's the thing, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

People only change when they're ready to change. And in researching this book, this is a very hard thing to wrap your brain around. Let's take addiction and sobriety. Someone only gets sober when being drunk is harder than facing the thing you're running from. There is a certain level of pain that every one of us needs in order to tap into that motivation to change. It's not painful enough yet. And that's okay. You have to let her.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You have to let her. And you got to stop pressuring her. And here's why. If somebody is stuck in their life or they're really struggling, they're already in so much conflict with themselves. They already feel so much pressure. She knows she's in the wrong relationship. See, I choose to believe that people know when they're not reaching their potential. People know when they're in the wrong situation, the wrong job, the wrong relationship, and they're in conflict with themselves, right? And then we come along because we're worried about our friends and our sisters and our kids. And. And so we're like, you know, he's a real dirtbag, and you shouldn't be this and you shouldn't be that. And we do it because we love people, and we do it because we want our friends and our sisters and our moms and our adult kids to be happy. The problem isn't in wanting her to thrive and wanting her to be with somebody that makes her come alive and wanting her to have what she deserves in life. That's amazing. And we should want that for the people in our lives. For me, the problem has always been how I went about it, because I think. I know. I think that if I just tell somebody, oh, well, you should just leave. And then somebody looks at you like, oh, thanks, Einstein. As if I hadn't thought of that. Like, okay, but here's what I want you to consider. In a classroom, the hardest working person isn't the person getting A's. It's actually the person who's failing at a gym. The hardest working person isn't the one who is, like, ripped. It's the person that's carrying an extra hundred pounds that's walking on the treadmill because they are actively in conflict with themselves. Your friend is actively in conflict. And. And it's not a crisis of the relationship. It's a crisis in her thinking she's capable and she's only going to leave when she's ready to leave. And it's not painful enough yet. And so here's what you got to do. You have to. There's a way to have a conversation with anybody where you're in this deadlock where you want someone to change and they just can't change. And now you're getting frustrated and you're, like, watching it from the sidelines. And it is so painful to see somebody that you love in the wrong relationship. It's so awful because you just want to just go in and be like.

[A]

Okay, that's why I, like, don't want to have kids. Because I'm like, oh, my gosh, it would be so painful to watch a child go through that.

[B]

You're capable. Yeah, you are. What if it all works out, Anna? See, you're focusing on it not working out, and you're not even opening up the door to the possibility of all the magic if it does. You have proven to yourself over and over and over and over again that you are capable and that it does work out. And why on earth, if you're going to entertain the negative and you're closing that door and you don't know, you don't know because it hasn't happened, why on earth, if you're going to make something up, wouldn't you also open the door and remind yourself that you're capable of creating anything? And if you just keep saying, what if it all works out? Because it always does. It always does. Always. And so back to your friend. First, you're going to do something that I call the ABC conversation. This is based on research in neuroscience. It's also will help you work with the fundamental laws of human behavior, which what we've been talking about is everybody needs to feel in control. People only change when they're ready to change or when they feel like changing. That until things get painful. Most people don't change. And you're going to be ready for them to change before they are. And any type of worry or judgment or advice doesn't create motivation. It creates resistance to change. Because your worry actually pushes against her need to be in control of what she's doing.

[A]

Wow, that's mind blowing.

[B]

Yes. Well, think about it. If I suddenly told you you need.

[A]

To have kids, oh, my God.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Every time I have this conversation with my mom, she's.

[B]

And I'm like, so hold on.

[A]

I add another year to that.

[B]

Hold on a second. Let your mom. Let your mom have her opinions. Let her have her expectations. She's allowed to. Your mother is allowed to want grandchildren because she loves you and because she has an expectation and a dream for her life. And give her permission to have that without needing to control it or change it. Let her.

[A]

But after I've had this conversation with you, I think my resistance to having children is not the fact that I don't want children. It's the fact that I question if I'm capable.

[B]

Bingo. And if you.

[A]

And when she asks me, I'm like, I don't know if I'm capable right now, so let me delay it.

[B]

Yes. What if you could stand in this moment of uncertainty and say, I am capable. Doesn't that change everything?

[A]

Oh, 100%. Immediately, the nervous system just flatlines.

[B]

Yes. And you open the door to possibility and you open the door to magic and you open the door to power. And this is true. Whether you're questioning having kids, or you're questioning breaking up and being single again, or you're questioning leaving a job and starting a business, you are capable. And when you stand in that Power and connection with yourself. It just opens up everything in your life. And you're no longer trapped by a relationship or a job or kind of anxious thinking. You're actually freed because of your own power. And so let me tell you the ABC conversation because it's really important. In any situation where you want someone else to change, I want you to first recognize they're already in conflict. Because I want you to assume that people want to thrive. The people that you know and love, everybody wants to be happy. Everybody wants to feel like they're tapping into their potential. And when somebody isn't, they know it. And so they're already in this deep, like tension with themselves. And that's good because it means that they recognize that there's something to do, but they're not ready to do it yet. When we come in and apply pressure and opinions and advice and judgment, even if it's coming from the most beautiful places, it creates resistance to change, not motivation to change. So you're going to A, B, C, we're going to A, apologize. You're going to say to your friend, you know, I want to apologize because I realize that a lot of our conversations, I've had a lot of opinions about what you should do and I've never actually just asked you what do you want to do right now and how do you feel about it? And let her talk. I understand. You feel dead inside. What does that mean? Oh, so you think you could go the rest of your life, Tell me more about that. When you then say, and it doesn't matter what she says because when you ask open ended questions, you apologize and then you ask open ended questions, what happens is that tension in her actually gets bigger. It gets way bigger. Because now she is speaking and the words coming out of her mouth don't match the actions that she's taking. And it also doesn't match what she knows is true in her heart. Because as we've been talking about all day long, it's not about uncertainty and fear. It's about a crisis in feeling capable. Then you're gonna be, back off, back off. Don't bring it up, don't say anything. And I want you to use like a three to six month timeline because people need space to make the change happen and feel as though it's their idea. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like literally, it's amazing if you have this conversation around somebody and you want them to exercise because they know they need to, but sitting on the couch is easier. That's why we do it. Neurologically we move towards what's easy. Staying is easy right now. Leaving is a very hard decision and it's complicated and it's gonna be really painful. That's why she's avoiding it, because we're hardwired for that. So all that tension is what's gonna get her to the point where it's just too painful to stay. And that's when she's gonna realize she needs to leave. But you creating space and you just backing off and never bringing it up. If you step a line, apologize, then ask the open ended questions and back off again. And just then, see, all you're gonna do is you're going to celebrate any small thing, any small thing. And so if she says, you know, I reached out to a divorce attorney, don't be like, see, I told you. Like you no just be like, wow, what was that? Like the open ended question, how's that feel? Is there anything that I can do?

[A]

Not affirmative or you shouldn't do that or great, I'm glad you did that. It's like, how does that make you feel?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Like how do you feel about that? Yeah, what was that? What was that like? And again, it's all that tension building and then the small. And then you're just going to model change. And by that you're modeling, in my opinion, being capable. You're modeling that you accept her exactly as she is, even in a relationship that you wish she would leave. Because when somebody feels seen and admired and they feel celebrated, even if you just start affirming, you know, I really admire you because I can see how much you care about your child and that you're really conflicted about what to do. I really admire the fact that you're trying to sort through something that must be very difficult and feeling like that makes somebody go, oh, because they don't feel judged anymore. And so now there's this space for change to happen. And your influence is powerful. I said you can't change other people. I never said you couldn't influence them. And it's by apologizing and asking open ended questions, then backing off and then modeling positive change and celebrating small things that they do forward in an open way. Like, I'm really proud of you for calling that divorce attorney. What was that like for you? Do you see how that's different? Like good, like, because I used to be like, good. And then they close off.

[A]

But what you're really doing is you are giving the power to them and that's what they need. They don't need your power, they need their own.

[B]

Yes. Yes. And one more thing about your mom. The let them theory is going to change your relationship with your mother forever. Because with mothers and daughters, there's this, like, invisible distance and tension between us because we love you to death and we want nothing more than you to be happy and thriving and amazing, and we think we know best. And when you're upset, then it makes us upset, and then we feel powerless and we don't know what to do. And what are we pushing against? We're pushing against your need to be in control of your life. And when mothers and daughters start to say let them, what we do is we fully accept and love one another for exactly who we are and exactly who we aren't. When you say to yourself, let my mom be disappointed, let her. Because isn't it a beautiful thing that your mother is disappointed about? Yes. And it means she loves you. And her opinion is that your life would feel full and that you would be an extraordinary mother and that it would be a blast for you to have children and her to have grandchildren. Let her have that opinion. Because you're giving her space to live her life, to have her experience. You're honoring her. But that doesn't mean you have to have children, because two things can be true at once. She can have all of those expectations and desires and opinions, and you get to choose when you're ready to have children, if you choose to have children. And that's the let me part. Let me remind myself that I get to choose what I think about this. I get to choose what I do and don't do, and I get to choose how I process my feelings about it. And if I can let my mom be my mom and I can let me be me, what happens is you create this space for true connection and support between the two of you where you don't feel pressure and she feels seen. And you two can actually talk about this, because if the truth is you're just scared, that's a mentally healthy response to an extraordinary thing in life, which is having a baby and having a human being. And here's another way that I want you to think about this. Everybody focuses on the part of having a baby. I want you to focus on something else.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

I want you to focus on the end of your life.

[A]

And that's what I think of every time I think my life would be so much easier if we just decided not to have children. I think about the end and how meaningless everything I'm doing. Right now would be to me if I did not have a child at the end of it. Because I think about my relationship with my parents and how close I am and how they said at this stage of their life, they're in their 60s. They're like your life and your joy and your success is our success.

[B]

Yes. And when you are about to take your last breath, don't you want your children around you?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Let them.

[A]

Yeah. That is beautiful. Thank you so much for being here today. I'm gonna go home and unpack all.

[B]

Of this and stop the birth control, apparently.

[A]

Well, that stopped for a while. We're going on Hope right now in my flow app. But thank you so much for being here. Go and get Mel's book. I am gonna read this page to page probably tonight.

[B]

I want to tell you something. I'm really proud to share this with you and you want to pay attention to who you share good news with. So somebody that I have admired my whole life is Oprah Winfrey. And I just had an experience two days ago where she held up this book and said it's the single best self help book she has ever read in her entire life. And she is giving it to everybody because everybody on the planet needs this simple tool of let them let me. To stop giving their power away and to take it back and remind themselves I am so capable of facing anything in life as long as I focus on what's in my control.

[A]

If you don't believe me, believe Oprah. Thank you so much, Mel. I would tell, I would ask you where everybody can find you. Anywhere you want to find anywhere. Mel Robbins.

[B]

Right here. Right. That's where you can find me. Me right now.

[A]

Amazing. Thank you again.

[B]

I'm very proud of you.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Very proud of you.

[A]

That means so much.

[B]

And you're going to be an amazing mom. You really are. Thank you.

[A]

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[B]

How about a snub pulley?

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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