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I'm going to paint a picture for you. I am sitting in a very luxurious hotel room in Wanship Utah right now, which is about 20 minutes outside of Park City, Utah staring at a massive mountain freshly covered with snow while a gas fireplace that I do not know how to turn off on my personal patio roars in front of me. No lie, I do not know how this fireplace shuts off. So last night I just slept with it on and I should probably call somebody from the hotel to turn it off cause sort of feels like a fire hazard but it's far enough away and it's small enough that I feel like okay here. So anyways I am in Utah. My first time in Utah. I'm on a brand trip with Nexus celebrating the launch of their new line of volumizing products and it's an absolute dream. But I also want to talk about the 72 hours before I got to Utah because I was in LA for a memorial service for one of Dave's uncles and 72 hours before that we found out that another one of his uncles passed away suddenly at a fairly young age. He was only in his mid to late 60s. And it's very strange living this life and getting caught up in the minutiae of my day to day worries of getting everything in on time and getting my work done and building out the next phase of my career. And then all of a sudden you get the news that somebody you knew and thought was going to be around for the next 30 years is gone and you're like, wait, truly, what the fuck am I worried about? Honestly, it's like I think about this a lot and I've thought about it a lot over the last week is that if anything, I don't think there's a silver lining. I fucking hate it when people are like, there's a silver lining out of like losing a parent. Suddenly there's no silver lining. It just sucks, okay, Let it suck. If you lost somebody you loved, there is no need to turn lemons into lemonade. Some things in life just suck. But you can learn how to live a little bit better with the days you have left from all of the suckage of losing someone you loved unexpectedly. And if anything, his death kind of put into perspective for me what's really important and why my pride is such a bitch. Like I have stopped myself even at this stage. Even though I preach to you all about going after what you want. I am so scared of doing so many things and it's mostly because I'm afraid of failing. But failure isn't final. It's death that's final. And I've always known that. But every now and then you need a reminder. I was hoping my reminder didn't come in the form of the sudden death of a extended family member. But look, I gotta fucking look at this and do something with it. And if there's anything I can do with it, it's that I hope you have the courage to try. Because not all of us are lucky enough to get the days to try the next project. So with whatever days you have, try, fail, try again. If you live to see another day after you failed, you're lucky. Some people don't get that. And we never know when that last day is. I would love nothing more than all of my family members. I personally would love nothing more than to pass away peacefully at a very old age of like somewhere between 95 to 100, surrounded by my family members, accepting that I'm ready to move on. And that just doesn't always happen. And I always thought it was so weird that life truly just goes on even though people die every day. People who mean a lot to some other people die every day. And we don't know about them, but our lives continue on, their lives continue on. And eventually we're supposed to just go back to work and continue living, even though people who were extremely important to us and we loved so much and are completely irreplaceable are just gone. And at least in this lifetime, we won't see them again. And look, I've never lost a parent or somebody in my immediate family. And I do feel like there is an acute sort of pain that you go through when you lose a parent or a spouse. I don't know what that feels like. I dread the day that I have to feel that or the day that somebody in my life has to feel that because I go before them. But at some point, their life has to go on. And I think what I feel like is that living and continuing to live to the best of your ability, even in the face of death, even in the face of tragedy, is the best way to honor the person that has gone on. I always think about this, like, if I were to ever go before my parents, knock on wood, because I am their only child, and I really hope that doesn't happen, but I would want them to one day be happy again. I don't know if that's possible, honestly. Like, I don't know how parents who lose kids ever recover from that. Maybe you don't. Maybe it's just something you learn to live with and you're just always, like, a little bit sadder. And that's a way to live, too. Who says you have to be happy or even all happy all the time? But I think if I were to leave this earth, the last thing I would want is for the people I love to be miserable forever for the rest of their remaining days on this earth. I have to imagine that's what Dave's uncles feel like wherever they are. And I don't know what you guys believe in, but as somebody who was not raised in a particularly religious household, we went to church for a few years, but it was more of a social activity rather than something that my parents really adhered to. I really had to figure out what I thought about death. And I've talked about this a lot with different guests. But I want to talk about it again because I feel like I need to reinforce this with you guys, that if you are not religious, you can still be spiritual. If you don't necessarily believe in God, you can believe that we don't go away when our brains shut off. Because I really believe that energy never dies. It's a concept that Einstein said. It just moves from one version to another. And I think there's all sorts of crazy things we can't explain in this world and that we can't measure. You know, human beings. I think whatever the statistic is, we only use a very small percentage of our brains. We only use, like, 10 to 20% of our brains. What if we could have access to the other 80%? Would we all be able to see dead people? Like, I don't get why kids and pets can see certain ghosts or relatives that have passed on with shocking accuracy and detail. And so many adults can't. You know, it's like kids are the untainted versions of us. I'll tell you a story that is crazy that made me believe even more so in the fact that there is something we cannot see out there, that those we love truly don't go away. So one of my friend's friends said that when they were younger, she and her brother were very little. Her brother was probably three or four, just starting to talk. And they moved into this older house. And after a while, her mom noticed that her younger brother, every time he was in his high chair being fed, would look off into the hallway from the kitchen. There was, like, an opening to the hallway from the kitchen. He was always looking over there and smiling and laughing. And, you know, she doesn't think too much of it at first. Cause it's like, okay, you know, he's three years old. Whatever. He's probably looking at imaginary friend or whatever. And then she goes, you know, who are you looking at? And she's talking to him, and he's like, uncle Jack. And she's like, oh, that's interesting. You know, he doesn't have an Uncle Jack. So again, thinks it's an imaginary friend. Kids make up shit all the time. Or do they? Are they making shit up? Or are they just seeing what we can't see? Who knows? So she's like, okay, Uncle Jack, cool. And she just kind of plays along. And she continues feeding him, obviously, because she's his mom, and that's what she does. And as the months go on, and he's always looking at this corner and Uncle Jack, she's like, oh, what does he look like? And what is he wearing? And her son describes, oh, he wears a green sweater. And she's just playing along at this point. She's like, whatever. I mean, he always seems really happy. He's laughing. So she thinks he's just having a blast with his imaginary friend Uncle Jack. Until probably know where I'm going with this? She's talking to the next door neighbor one day in the front yard. And this woman has lived in her house for decades, knew the old owner of their house. And she goes, do you know who used to live there? And she's like, no, I don't. She goes, it was a man named Jack. Very friendly older man. He had this favorite green sweater that he used to wear all the time. And he actually passed away suddenly in the hallway outside of the kitchen. Is that a coincidence? How is that a coincidence? Okay. And the kid has obviously grown up, you know, her son. And he has said in subsequent years as an adult that he remembers Uncle Jack very clearly. He hasn't seen him since then, but he remembers him as a kid as if he was the person standing there in front of him. And these are not voodoo people, you know, These are not people. This is not a family that believes or is prone to believe in the supernatural. I just think that's too much of a coincidence. You're going to tell me that that's just a coincidence that the kid made up an imaginary friend that just happened to fit the exact description of the man who died in the house in the exact same spot the kid was looking? That's evidence that we don't know what's going on. And by the way, it may not be abnormal. It may just be, we don't know and we don't have the tools to measure. Like, one of my favorite analogies of maybe what our experience on this earth is, is, you know, Sam Parnia, who is a doctor who specializes in, quote unquote, bringing people back from the dead. Not in some creepy, like he unearths their body weight, but people, a lot of people technically, legally die because their heart stops for a minute or two, but their body's still working. So you can revive them or resuscitate them in the hospital when they do that. So that's what kind of doctor he is. He poses the question, which I really love, is that is what we are experiencing it, right? So when you are watching tv, he. This is the analogy he uses. When you are watching tv, you know what you're seeing isn't happening in your room. You're not like looking at the people in real life in your room. They exist somewhere else. But you're watching the experience unfold in front of you. And when you turn the TV off those people and all those events go away, all that life goes away. Maybe our life, maybe our existence on this Earth, in these bodies, is a tv. And when the lights go dark on our lives, we don't go away as people. It's just the people around us see a dark tv. They don't see the life inside that TV anymore. But maybe we exist in some parallel universe that we don't have the tools yet to accurately measure, figure out what it's called. Maybe it's not spirituality. Maybe it's science and we just don't know. And I'm okay not knowing, but I'm also okay believing in that. I think it took a long time for me to accept that maybe I didn't grow up with religion, but I believe in some sort of higher power. And I believe that the people we love don't really ever leave us. And not in the sense that, like, oh, they don't leave us because they live on in you. I'm like, no, there's somewhere the craziest shit happens from people who have gone on, and there's no explanation for it. And, yeah, I think a lot of it's scammy. Like, I think a lot of that paranormal stuff or like psychics who talk to dead people, like, a lot of them are scams. Truly. I don't believe in half of it, but I think the other half, they're onto something. And some people are just so shockingly accurate in their predictions and in the way they communicate with people about those who have passed on that I'm like, there is something. You have access to maybe another 20% of your brain that I don't have access to. Or like, kids like my friend's brother who saw Uncle Jack. Nobody told him who Uncle Jack was. He just saw him. That kid had access to a part of his brain when he was young that the rest of us didn't. So if you are mourning right now, if you've lost somebody, maybe not recently, and you are maybe also in a similar position to me, where you didn't grow up with religion. It almost feels sort of foreign to you. I hope you know that you can love science and also believe in the notion that our existence is not it. I think there's a ton of research out there that supports that something could definitely exist outside of this life we live, and we may never know in this lifetime, and that's okay. Like, some of the best things in my life in this small, tiny TV box of a life that I live have been unexpected. And so maybe whenever my day comes, I'll know, and I'll be like, this is pretty cool. Honestly, in my head, like, I believe in heaven. I believe in hell for Ted Bundy and for the fucking kid who murdered his wife. Uh, not his wife, his girlfriend. Oh, Brian Laundrie. I believe in hell for Brian Laundrie. I'm sorry, I do. I'm not sorry he murdered his girlfriend in the desert. I believe that Gabby Petuto is somewhere thriving in heaven, making her vlogs going viral. Every vlog. And I believe Brian Laundrie is atoning for his sins. And I don't know if you have to be a Christian to believe that life is so unfair sometimes, that even if it helps you to believe in something that is completely unproven, you should just believe it. Who says you have to see evidence of something in order to believe it? So many people and so many great historians, scientists, all these people in our history created amazing inventions that have led us to the way we live now because they refused to believe that what they saw in front of them was it. They refused to believe that this reality was the only reality that could exist. So who knows? Maybe in 300 to 500 years, there will be a way to communicate with the souls that have gone on. And it won't be weird because it won't be supernatural. It would just be natural because we have a way to measure it. But I feel like a lot of times when. When we don't have a way to measure things, we call it witchcraft, right? Like, think about the Salem Witch Trials. All these women who were actually just normal fucking human beings were being persecuted as witches because we just didn't understand. And I think there is a human tendency to call anything we don't understand as scary or haunted or supernatural, when it's just like we don't have the means to understand it yet. So wherever Dave's uncles are, I hope they're pouring a stiff one out, and I hope they're enjoying their lives, even though right now it's just gonna be a tough few months, a tough few years, a tough life without them here for their loved ones. I also wanna make a announcement that this is actually going to be my last solo episode, not my last guest episode, for a while, for this podcast, because, exciting news. I am launching a newsletter, and I've decided that in order to say yes to the way that I want to talk to you guys, which is via written form and also audio form, I am going to be uploading an audio version of the newsletter, for those of you who want to listen to it, it's going to be much shorter than these solo episodes in order to say yes to that. And it's something that I really want to get back to writing to you all. I had to say no to something else. And that no is this solo episode that I make every week. And as much as I would like to do it all, I can't. I can't do it all and do it in a way that means my content stays consistent and I am still a one woman show. Aside from my agents and my management team. I don't have an assistant, I don't have an editor. Everything you see, I don't have a writer. I use me. That is just me. And so maybe at some point I will feel financially secure enough to hire out. I know I probably could at this point. But honestly, being poor really does a number on you. You just never feel, I don't know if that feeling of financial insecurity ever leaves you. Even though I am making more now than I ever dreamed of making. And that's not a flex. It's just to say that I've had conversations with multiple people who are like, you're probably making enough money to hire an assistant right now and I just can't. I cannot at this stage of my career when I don't know when my next paycheck is coming, guarantee a paycheck to somebody else. And so I've just decided that while I love talking to you all on the solo, I'm going to focus on this newsletter, making it the best newsletter I can for you guys. It is going to be called Brutal Banter. You can find it at Brutal Banter Beehive. Beehive is spelled B E E h I I v.com so it's double I. It'll be linked in my bio across all my socials and it's a weekly newsletter where I will be writing to you all some form of inspirational essay that you will all get to listen to. And I'm going to be sharing my favorite skincare, beauty and makeup products of that week and we're going to see how that goes. It has been a long time since I've written to you all. I did. I still have a WordPress. I just haven't updated in a long time. The last post was from December of 2023, so it's been well over a year, almost a year and a half at this point since I've written to you all and I really miss it. I miss writing. I miss the way that I can communicate via words versus via a microphone. And so if you all have questions, I urge you now to write to me. You can still leave me voicemails. I am going to. It's going to be a work in progress. We're going to figure out how it goes and whether or not I want to respond to your voicemail still via this sort of solo recorded episode format, or whether I'm going to be responding to your voicemails via a written version. But for now, you can find my solo content on my newsletter. It is completely free. All you have to do is just literally sign up for the newsletter and it's going to be every Friday and deliver it straight to your inbox. And my whole mission with this newsletter is to give you a bite sized version of this podcast and make you feel a little bit better. That's all it is. And every week I'm going to muse upon various topics. Spoiler alert. My first topic in this week's newsletter is Baby Bop. That's all I'm going to tell you, but I promise you it is worth the read because you have more to learn from Baby Bop, which is a fictional children's TV character from Barney and Friends, than you think. So go read it. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you sign up. And I really want to thank you all for listening so far to my podcast, both the guest episodes and the solo episodes. But again, in order to do one thing, a lot of times we have to say no to another thing. And I don't believe in saying yes to everything and doing everything half assedly. And also, look, I want to enjoy my life. I feel like in this grinding and hustle culture, like I'm always preaching work hard, work for what you want, but at the end of the day I work hard because I want to enjoy my time with my family and everything I say yes to. And every additional project I take on takes time away from my time with my family. And especially over the last week when I thought a lot about death, I'm like, I am never going to regret not putting out another episode of this podcast. I love you guys, but like I am going to regret on my deathbed not spending more time with my parents, with my husband, with my dog. And if that means I can't publish a weekly solo episode because now I've said yes to this newsletter, then the solo episode has to go. So goodbye for now here, but I will see you all on brutal banter. Beehive2eyes.com. Thank you all.