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- [00:00]
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- [00:30]
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- [01:02]
Anna Kai
This week's solo episode of Brutally Anna Bitties. I am your host, Anna Kai. I hope this episode finds you doing well, but if it doesn't, I hope it finds you trying to be at least a little bit better. And I gotta say, this week I realized something. I am terrified of kids and specifically kids in the elementary, middle school, early high school. It all a high school K through 12 high. I'm terrified of K through 12 humans. And I realized this the other day because Dave and I went to go get a coffee and a sandwich at our deli when I got back from LA this weekend and we walk past a group of maybe 10 year old girls selling girl Scout cookies. Yes. Tis the season. It is that time of year for the cookies of the girl scouts. And I saw this gaggle of girls from afar in the parking lot. I didn't really know what they were doing. I knew they were with parents. I thought that they were just hanging out outside of the deli. And I was like, okay, don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact. And I'm trying to walk past them. And Dave, like a normal human is like, oh, Girl Scout cookies. And I was like, oh my God, he stopped. He's engaging and he's looking at them and he's like oh, you know, and he's talking to them. He's like, we're going to come back and get some cookies. We just have to get some coffee before the cafe closes and in my brain, I'm like, why are you talking to them? Why are you talking to them? They're perfectly nice. They're little girls, okay? I am like the spawn of Satan. I don't know. And we go into the coffee shop and he's like, you were so fucking weird. I was like, I know. Look, in my defense, I was extremely overstimulated from 72 hours in LA. I had just taken a very early flight back. I was tired. All I needed was some caffeine. Caffeine. So wasn't totally in my right mind, but also not in my defense. Children make me feel awkward. I've always felt like this, like when I see a group of high schoolers or middle schoolers walking around our town. We live in a small town. It's very safe for kids to walk around together without adults in, I feel some type of way. And I was like, all right, let me go psychoanalyze myself for today's episode of the POD. And as to why this is because I'm looking at all the boxes of Girl Scout cookies we bought. Because of course, after we got coffee and a sandwich, my weird ass wanted to skedaddle out of the rear of the building and not make eye contact with him. And Dave was like, no, we're going to go buy some Girl Scout cookies. Support the troops. So we go and we buy one of every cookie they have. So it's a lot of boxes. I think we bought like eight boxes of cookies. They were really happy. I tried to be normal. I think I did a good job for, for the most part. But inside I was a squirmy wormy. Okay. So I get in the car and we go home. And I was thinking about this. I was like, why am I so weird around children? And why am I so weird in general? That's a different question. But I thoroughly detested middle school. Most of elementary school too. And a portion of high school. I was bullied. And yeah, of course, all my as a 34 year old comes from that. Those very formative years of my life where every time there was a group of girls on the playground that I saw, they were usually excluding me. They were usually too cool for me. They were all wearing Limited 2 and Abercrombie and Fitch mousses and I was wearing clearance rack JCPenney. So I think, no, I know it comes from that. And every time I see a group of high school boys, I assume they're going to make fun of me. And it's like, you are 34 years old. Get it together. Okay? But that is the gag reflex when I see children. So I don't know, maybe this is a part of the reason why I'm hesitant to have kids. Because there's never been any question as to whether or not I want children. It's just I'm scared to have them because honestly, I don't know how to talk to kids. I don't know how to interact with them because it all seems stems from this weird shit as a kid, me not liking growing up as a child. And maybe it'll get better when I have a kid. But I'm also really terrified of having children that then get bullied. And I know we're putting the cart way before the horse because, honey, we're not even trying. Okay, full disclosure. Like, Dave and I were actively not trying to have a child right now. It's just not the right time. But at some point in the near future, we will. And then at some point in the future after that, assuming everything goes according to plan and we bring a human into this world, this human is going to have to go to school and talk to other kids. And that's really horrifying to me because then it's this whole social ecosystem that I have no control over. And I think it's one thing being a kid and being bullied and sort of really detesting that and hating your life. But I have always found it much harder to watch people I love go through pain. Like, it would kill me if we had a child. And I saw that child get bullied at school. And I don't know how you deal with that, to be honest. Like, if any of you are parents or have younger siblings, I don't know how the fuck do you deal with that? Like, without wanting to go total kamikaze on the other kid. Like, I would literally commit a felony to anybody who hurt my dog, let alone child. So how do I become a parent without then becoming incarcerated whenever somebody wrongs my child, which they will? That is just how life goes. You almost don't want your child to grow up with too much ease because then becomes. They become soft, right? Like, you don't want them to experience no adversity as a child. But then what kind of adversity do you pick? Like, the adversity, you know, you pick has to be something tangible to them. Like, I think part of the reason that I am here today, in this career, in this life I love, was because I didn't fit in, was because I was sort of used to Being odd and having to find my own way. And that has led me to this very unconventional path that I'm down, that I love. And so if you were to say to me, well, you could have had a really easy childhood, you could have had lots of girlfriends, but you'd be living a pretty mediocre life by your own standards right now. You wouldn't be super satisfied because you would have been so accustomed to fitting in that all you would do is fit in at the expense of your joy. What would you choose? I would choose this a hundred times over. I would choose not fitting in. I would choose all the bullshit of my childhood and get here today. But then having to watch somebody you love go through that. A child, a dog, I don't know. I fucking want to take somebody out when I see them being mean to my parents. Like, I grew up in the 90s. Fuck it. Even if you grow up today, okay, racism is alive and well. And if you want to fight me on that, I am super happy to have a conversation offline online with you about that. The amount of times I've said, racism is alive and well, and people are like, is it? I'm like, if you have to ask that question, you are white, okay? And that's fine. There is nothing wrong with being white. There is something wrong with being white and thinking that your way of existence is the only way to exist, okay? So for all my white bitties, I love you. And, like, honestly, if you listen to this podcast and you listen to my content, you're probably not one of those white biddies. But I have to say it like, racism was alive and well in the 90s. Racism is alive and well. And my parents had a lot of racist shit happen to them that was really tough for me to watch as a kid because they're Chinese immigrants, they have accents, they speak in broken English. And there are a lot of people that automatically will make assumptions about who they are based off of that. That will automatically not give him a break because of that. You know, I remember being a kid and my mom got pulled over for some bullshit thing, like not stopping long enough at a stoplight or not a stoplight, a stop sign, not stopping long enough at a stop sign, right? Like there's whatever five second rule, I don't know. And the cop pulls her over. And I had remembered being in a friend's mom's car when she got pulled over because I carpooled with a friend. Grow up to school. And I remember her mom got pulled over for something stupid. Too. It wasn't like she was driving illegally or whatever. Maybe her, like, headlight was out or something. Anyways, so I remember my friend's mom being able to talk her way out of a ticket, okay? And I remember my mom just, like, fumbling through that conversation with the cop and him really grilling her. And I just knew in my heart of hearts that the only reason that she couldn't talk her way out of that was because she did not have the language skills, was because she was foreign, was because she was not from here. And I just vowed as a kid that once I got old enough to speak for my parents, that I would forever use my voice to shout to the top of the hills for them, to defend them to the nth degree. Like right now, it's. It goes a little over the top, okay? Like, when they're dealing with contractors with their house, like, I go full batshit crazy. Like, if you were trying to take advantage of my parents, you will have hell to pay with me. But I just. I grew up with such a chip on my shoulder watching my parents really be bullied for who they were, for something that they couldn't control, for the color of their skin, for the way they sounded. You know, nobody had any respect for the fact that they came to this country with absolutely nothing. And they're college educated, white collar professionals. Not saying that if they're blue collar, they don't deserve any more respect. But I'm saying, like, the point at which they had to start over. They were both highly educated in China, and they came here and they had to wash dishes and clean other people's houses because none of that mattered. All of the work they had put into their life up until that point in China, none of that mattered in the US you want to talk about how much respect and credit they get for doing that? Think about it. If you're 27 or 29, think about all the years you put into your college degree, maybe grad school degree, and then going to a different country and somebody being like, nope, not good enough. Go wash my dishes. All right? They had to put all of that aside. They built from the ground up. They went back to school, Both of them went and got their master's degrees in the U.S. okay? And they built a life that so many people only dream up from absolutely nothing. No help. They didn't know anyone. And I think there's so much respect in that. And I think in a country and a space right now that is just so anti immigrant and so anti difference, really Like, I think we need more of it. We need more inclusivity. I don't care if that makes me part of the woke mafia. All right, don't come after me. It's just when I looked at that group of girl Scouts and I saw the one Asian girl in there and I saw how awkward she felt and she was the quietest one and she was the only one that looked like her. I just saw me. I knew it. You know, it's like you could be like, oh, well, you could justify anything. She's just quiet. Like, it has nothing to do with her being Asian. Well, I don't really believe in coincidences. I don't believe that, you know, out of the five or six girls that were there, that all of the white girls are loud and proud and just, you know, normal, happy 10 year olds. And the one Asian American girl with her mom there with the mom with the accent, the only mom with the accent with an Asian face, like, I don't believe that's an accident that she was visibly the most uncomfortable one there. And that's why representation matters. And I wish I could have been a better example of representation for her in that moment. I clearly wasn't. I was awkward as fuck. My husband was amazing. And, you know, I should have. I don't know what I should have done. Maybe nothing. You know what? Not every life is for me to save. Like, she will learn on her own time. But kids make me feel awkward because I was an awkward kid. And all of us are really just grown adults running around in children's bodies at the end of the day. And I think that's really what it comes down to, is that maybe I'll never heal that trauma. Maybe it just is something that I'm actively fighting against. Or maybe I'll have a kid and realize it's all fine. But I've always been terrified of not so much. Okay, I will say, I was about to say, oh, I'm not terrified of the infant baby stage. Actually, I am. You know, because they're at the stage then where they can't speak and they can't let you know what's going on. And so that's terrifying, right? But then they get to schooling age where then they can speak and they go to school and then you have to deal with their social problems. And then you have to deal with their social problems. Moms and with my friends with children, they tell me that when you're a mom and you meet your kids, friends, parents, some of them are great and some of them are absolute douchebags. And one of my other completely irrational fears is that my child will become friends with a girl or boy whose parents are complete assholes. And then I have to learn how to deal with that. That's life, right? That's life. You learn how to deal with people you don't like. But I've done a very good job of the up until this point of like curating the people around me. And you can't always do it with work, right? Like, work is the place where I think people hold space for interacting with people that maybe they don't like on a daily basis or maybe they even despise on a daily basis. That's work. But with your family, with your kids, that's hard. Like, I remember growing up with this innate need to protect my parents from what was going on at school. And they knew to an extent, but I don't know if they like knew knew because I was miserable and I made no bones of that. I mean, I was so bullied and had no friends at one point that the guidance counselor had to step in and put me in this lunch group of effectively outcast kids with no friends that would eat lunch together in the guidance counselor's office. Which if you're a 10 year old to 12 year old child, is just more than humiliate. It's more than not having anyone to sit with at lunch. It's so humiliating. And they tried, but it was. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know what the solution to kids being mean and I don't know what the solution to not having friends as a kid is. But I'll tell you what it wasn't. Sticking all of the loser kids like myself in a room together to feel like even bigger losers that we had to have adult intervention to find somebody to eat with at lunch. That wasn't it. I have no solutions. I only have problems. But I will say that I know what the solutions aren't. But yeah, I always had this innate need to protect my parents and it stemmed from watching them get bullied by life, by society. And so I'm a very fierce mama bear right now. To the people around me, to my parents, to my husband, to my dog, I will rip a chad to shreds just for fun, because it is fun. But like, oh my God, if you come after my husb, I will commit a felony. Like, I think about this all the time. And I don't know why, but I personally believe that every human being is capable of killing another human being. And I think about the fact that I am the biggest weenie alive. I literally hate camping. I hate bugs. But I know that I would take a motherfucker out if anybody tried to touch my family. Like, I wouldn't even have regrets about it. I could easily kill. I really hope I do not get indicted for anything one day. This is not saying I have killed anybody, nor saying that I would or will kill somebody. It's just saying that if it came down to protecting my family and your life because you're a coming at us, you're the one that has to go, okay? And I would not feel badly about it. I would try to do it humanely. Like, I think I would be a humane murderer. Like, I wouldn't torture you. I'd make it quick, you know? But I would do it. And I think we all have that capability in us. At least I sort of hope we do. I hope you have somebody in your life that you love so much that you would go to jail for them or at least bury a body for them. This is why I've always feel so conflicted when I hear about parents covering for their awful Satan children. Like the Gabby Petito case. Ugh. I cannot tell you how much I detest Brian Laundrie's parents, but also how much I felt so conflicted about it because I was like, damn, if that was my parents, like, would I have turned them in? And I don't know. I. I really don't know. Like, I feel like the answer is no based upon everything I just told you. You know, his parents should have turned him in. They knew he murdered her, but their love for him was so overwhelming that they couldn't. And I get that it's your son. Like, if Sawyer killed another dog right now, I'd probably just hide her from the world. Honestly, like, I. I can't put her down. Oh, my God, no. So this is probably why I can't sleep at night, because these are the intrusive thoughts I have all the time. But yeah, I guess I just admitted that I have it in me to kill somebody. And I'm really hoping that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. This is a joke. Haha. This podcast is a joke. I'm just a girly on the Internet for any authorities listening. Okay, look at my Instagram hashtag. Aybeboth. Not the hashtag in the ad. I don't know why I said the hashtag, but yeah, okay. Anyways, that was my disclaimer so now we can move on. This has been kind of a chaotic episode. I am not gonna lie. I had no idea what the. I was gonna talk about coming on here, but I'm honestly kind of liking this non scripted route I'm going. Not that my solo episodes are super scripted, but I usually have some sort of theme I like to stick to. And today I just decided to let the intrusive thoughts win. And before anybody comes at me and says, oh, you shouldn't use the term intrusive thoughts. It's really offensive to people with OCD and who have intrusive thoughts. If you are new around here. Hi. Hello. I have diagnosed clinical obsessive compulsive disorder. Do I use the phrase intrusive thoughts a little bit more colloquially than I should? Probably. But, like, look, as somebody who literally actually has pure OCD and intrusive thoughts, let me have my fun, okay? Let me make fun of myself and talk about some of the intrusive thoughts that are not the really concerning intrusive thoughts I have. Anyways, so that's my whole spiel on how some Girl Scouts and Girl Scout cookies send me into a spiral thinking about my childhood and how I hope my child does not repeat that. But also I hope they don't become so soft that they become completely incapable as adults and of handling any adversity. That is a battle for another day. My current battle coming up, the fact that I have a fuck ton of travel. I just got back from LA and I'm going back to LA on Friday. Dave's uncle passed away after a very long and very, very courageous fight with cancer. And he did so much in virology. He was a virologist. He did so much for the world of medicine and just really dedicated his life to helping others and solving a lot of these health issues we have. And it's just really sad. I mean, he. He wasn't young, young, but he wasn't old. Like, he could have lived another 20 years. And to be honest, like, other than losing my grandfather, like, I don't have a ton of family to lose almost just because nobody is of that age. You know what? I'm gonna take all of that back because I just feel like I just majorly jinx myself and, like, I need my parents to live to be 100 years old. Okay? So, like, I take it back. I have a lot of family to lose. I got a lot of people I love that cannot die. But let me just say this. Dave has a huge family, okay? And so. And he has a lot of elderly family members and it is more likely that I will attend a funeral or a ceremony or a celebration of life on his side of the family than mine simply because of the numbers. And I was just thinking about how going back to LA this time around is going to be very different because last week I was there for Clarence and I was there for an event and it was so glitz and glam and I think when you do my job, like it's very easy to get caught up in the day to day right of like, okay, how is this video performing and what are we working on and how am I growing my business? And then, you know, I think about Dave's cousins who I love and you know, his uncle had three daughters and they're all a little bit older than me, but they were all at our wedding and they're just such great people. And even though they're older, I think they're like maybe 10, 15 years older than me. Like I don't feel like it's enough time. Like I think about them right now and I'm like, oh, I always thought when I was 15, like if I lost my parents at 45 that would be acceptable and now at 34 it's not acceptable. Like I need, I need my parents to live forever. I don't know what else to say. And I just, my heart goes out to Dave's cousin so much because how do you do your life when such a big part of your life is gone? I think about that all the time with people who lose family members. I think about the baseball player, I think he was an ex Yankees player. I don't know, don't kill me if that's not right. But I know he was a major league baseball player and his 14 year old son died on vacation just from like, I don't know, it sounds like acute food poisoning or something like that's insane to me. How do you ever recover from a situation like that? And I don't know what the answer is, but I know maybe the point of death is to teach us to appreciate life more. Dave told me I didn't have to go out for, for the celebration of life. It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. And you know, it would have been socially acceptable for me not to go. It's not directly my family, I am insanely busy. I'm literally flying directly to Park City after LA to go on a brand trip, then coming back and then a week later I'm going to Seoul So there would have been a thousand excuses for me not to go, but I just thought maybe the point is, all right, his uncle is gone. And the point of this is to teach all of us who are still living, who are still lucky enough to be on this earth, trying to see another day, to slow down a bit and to be there for the people who are still around. And I was like, you know, when I thought about that, I was like, of course I'm going to go. Like, of course I should be there for these girls. You know, I. Of course they're not girls, they're women. Fuck, they're 10 years older than me. Like, I think if it were me, I would want to be there. You know, it's like the. I can't remember who said this to me, but somebody was like, oh, I don't get the point of funerals. It's like the person's dead. It's not like they can appreciate you being there, but it's like, oh, you know what? It's not for the person who passed. It's for all the people around them who loved that person, who are now dealing with the aftermath of that loss. It's for that person and for, you know, Dave's uncle, it's for his daughters, for his wife that are left grappling with this immense loss. And I think if it were me, I would want the same thing. It's like, I love that this is a celebration of life and not necessarily a funeral, although I do believe that they had like a, maybe a private family funeral with just immediate family. But this in particular is a celebration of life. And I think when we are stuck in the day to day grind of all the shit that we have to deal with, we forget that it is still a privilege to be here. And it is so rare for us to be here. I can't remember what this statistic is, but you're a million more times more likely to get into Stanford University, which I believe is the most difficult school to get into right now than you are to be born. And this doesn't negate the fact that life is really fucking hard sometimes. I am the first person to say that. I fucking hate toxic positivity. Literally. Not everything is all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, a lot of life is really the opposite. But the only way we're gonna get through it is if we still maintain our enthusiasm and our appreciation for life, even during the shitty moments. And so I'm going to the celebration of life. I hope it's going to be I don't know what I hope it's going to be. I honestly have no expectations for this. I just want to be with Dave's cousins. I want to be with his family, and I just want to be with those of us who are still living while we're all still here. All right, we're gonna get into some voicemails, but before we do, I just have to say I always sort of brace myself a little bit when I get a voicemail that's like a couple seconds long, because I know it's not anybody asking for advice. And I've had a couple instances where people have left really, really nasty messages. Just like screaming at me for like two or three seconds and saying just really horrible shit for like five seconds. So I saw this four second voicemail come through and I was like, oh, God, do I even open this? And I did. And here is the voicemail. You're brutally honest. I love it. Keep up the good work. To whoever this man is, I just have to say thank you so much for the vote of confidence. And also, I am now more so convinced than ever that a British accent does make everything better. Like, brutally honest just sounds so much better than brutally honest. I'm willing to fight somebody on that. Sorry. So even my jacked up English accent sounded cooler than my normal American accent. So thank you for not being a chad. And with that, a quick word from my sponsors and then I'll get into a longer voicemail. Today's show is sponsored by Strawberry Me Bitties. Let's cut to the chase. You're stuck. Mentally, emotionally, physically. You know it and I know it, and even your boss knows it. But he or she is too busy maxing out their vacation days to care. You're waiting for the change to help you feel more like you're thriving and less likely you're just surviving. Maybe it's a promotion, maybe it's a new job, or maybe you don't know what you want, and that's the problem. But here's the thing. No one is coming to save you. And while you're waiting, your life is ticking on by. If you want more money, a better job, a new job, or a new life, you need to stop waiting and start doing. That's where Strawberry Me career coaching comes in. They match you with a certified career coach. And no, not the kind of career coach that your unemployed cousin who keeps telling you to manifest success is. Your certified coach helps you figure out what it is you're actually good at, what it is you want to do, and how to create an actionable plan to make the life you want to live actually happen. They hold you accountable because, let's be honest, it's too easy to just do it tomorrow when left to your own devices. So now you can stop waiting, start doing, and start living. What are you waiting for? Truly, stop doom scrolling through your for your page. One more viral dog video isn't going to make you feel any more ready to take the leap. Go to Strawberry Me Anna and claim your $50 credit. That's strawberry Me Anna. Because if you don't start taking your career seriously, why should anyone else?
- [32:19]
Taryn
I'm in love with my best friend's ex.
- [32:22]
Ashley
My sister is having an affair.
- [32:24]
Taryn
I think my therapist is emotionally unavailable.
- [32:28]
Ashley
Did my mom just join a cult?
- [32:30]
Taryn
These are just a few of the real life dilemmas we've helped our listeners sort through on our podcast Unsolicited Advice.
- [32:37]
Ashley
I'm Ashley.
- [32:38]
Taryn
And I'm Taryn.
- [32:39]
Ashley
Each week on Unsolicited Advice, we unpack our listeners dilemmas on air and give our unfiltered edges advice.
- [32:45]
Taryn
So if you could use some help handling modern dating, workplace tension, family drama, and all of life's other curveballs, we're here to help.
- [32:53]
Ashley
We may not be professionals, but we're the next best thing.
- [32:55]
Taryn
Plus, we won't charge you a co pay.
- [32:58]
Ashley
So whether you need some guidance of your own or just want to eavesdrop on other people's juicy stories, tune into Unsolicited Advice every Monday, wherever you get your podcasts.
- [33:13]
Caller
Hi there Anna. I have a question about family because I kind of feel like Public Enemy number one in mind. They don't love that I'm angry, and I'm angry because they refuse to see me and the situation for what it is. And a great example of this is that recently my parents came up to visit me and my mom told me that she thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which in the past I have asked a therapist and psychiatrist if they thought that could be a possibility. They both said no. But I feel like I don't know what to do moving forward because I want to have a relationship with my family, but I don't know how I can like feel close to someone when they see me through such a distorted lens. And I feel like Randall McMurphy and One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest of I can't convince them otherwise. So yeah, any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.
- [34:27]
Anna Kai
This is one of those times where I wish my voicemails allowed you to leave longer than in A minute and a half voicemails. Because I would love a little bit more context here, but just going off of what you said, I think it's very easy for somebody in your life to pathologize you in order to not have to deal with their own actions. So what I'm drawing sweeping conclusions from is that there's a part of your behavior in the way you just act. And it's probably fairly normal. But your mother and your father don't like it. And therefore they're labeling this personality trait of yours as a borderline personality disorder. Just because you don't like a part of somebody else's personality does not make that portion of a person a disorder. So I want you to remember that, that just because they don't like a part of you or they get angry, that you get angry doesn't mean you have a disorder. You know that because you have a diagnosis from two different mental health professionals. You know, there are times where family members have to stage interventions with people who are struggling with addiction and mental health. And they have to be the ones to be like, no, you do actually need help. This does not seem like that situation. This seems like your parents want you to be happy all the time. They want you to pretend like everything is okay all the time, and anything outside of everything is okay all the time is a borderline personality disorder. And that's just not how we categorize mental health or bpd. So not being a mental health professional, caveat. I always like to remind people of that I am just a bitty on the Internet, not a mental health professional. I want you to realize that despite the fact that you do want a relationship with your family, they do not actually want a relationship with you as you exist in this moment. That even though they're going through the motions of having a relationship with you, they don't actually want a relationship with you, the real you. They want a relationship with a fake you. And with that knowledge in mind, I need you to let go a little bit, because it's not on you. Here is the thing is that your relationship with them is no longer contingent upon what you can do to repair the situation. They refuse to see you as you are. And they have effectively said in so many words that they will only have a relationship with you if you admit that you're really fucked up, when in reality you're probably not. You're probably angry about normal things. And guess what? You'd probably be less angry if they would acknowledge that anger and they would help you Work through it rather than deny it. So they're fueling the flames there. But they don't want a relationship with you, not the real you. They want a relationship with the fake you. And therefore you cannot have a relationship with them at this time. You will be fighting a losing battle, swimming upstream, going uphill, whatever. Other analogy for difficulty I can throw in here forever. If you continue to try to be the bigger person in this relationship and have some sort of semblance of a relationship with them. I'm not saying you have to cut them out entirely, but I am saying you have to stop trying. Because I can just tell, Even in that 92nd, whatever, second voice memo, you are tired, girlfriend. And a huge part of your anger, I think, comes from the fact that your parents don't see you for who you are and they don't see the situation for what it is. And I'm sure there is more to the story there, but that is at the crux of the issue, is that you can't have a relationship the way you want to with them. And so therefore, you need to stop giving your time and energy to it, because it's. It's not all on you. I think as children who grew up in not ideal environments, we always have a tendency to take on a little bit of, like, a superhero complex. I can fix it, right? Like, I can make this right. It's on me. I'm gonna go talk to this girl that I follow on Instagram, and I'm gonna go leave her a voice memo on her podcast and see if she can help me fix it. And I can only help you fix it in the sense that I can help you bring you your piece back by saying that you cannot fix it. There is something beautiful about letting go of a situation that is not totally in your control. You've done your part, maybe have an honest conversation with them and just be like, I cannot have as close of a relationship with you as I want to, as we currently exist, because you don't want to acknowledge my truth. And part of being a support system, being family, being even friends, is acknowledging the other person's truth, even if it's inconvenient to you. I mean, the amount of times I've been inconvenient for my parents, the way I chose to exist, my life as a fucking gypsy, as my dad liked to say, in my 20s, that wasn't their choice. I'm sure they would have slept so much better at night for all 10 years of my 20s if I had chosen a much more traditional career path, but they supported me because it was what I wanted. It was my truth. And I wasn't harming anybody. You're not harming anybody. At least I think, right? So assuming you are operating with the confines of law and order, this is the reality you must face. But I think when you let go of this idealized version of what you want with your parents, you're going to be able to dedicate your time and energy to so many other things. It will be so freeing because you're not going to be angry at them. You might be angry at other things, but there's just going to be this weight lifted off. Let go. I'm giving you permission to give up today. Okay, maybe not entirely, but at least halfway. It's about meeting people halfway. I am all about that, is that you can do everything you can to run to somebody, but if they're actively running away from you, you need to stop running. Meet them where they meet you, even if it's not meeting them at all.
- [41:03]
Caller
Hi Ina, I'm listening to you from Hungary and I really like your podcast because I can relate to you in so many ways. I'm 26 years old and I work in the capital of Hungary and I have a bit of an issue with a friend of mine. We started to work together two years ago, but this January I decided to leave the job because they made us do some illegal stuff and it seems like she can't accept that I left. She tells me all the gossips the old colleagues say about me, which hurt me, to be honest. And she also interferes with my love life. She already has a husband and they moved in together very fast. So every time I start to date someone, she urges me to move faster. But I want to take my time in my relationships and I don't think I'm that old to be in a hurry. And at this point it's becoming a bit toxic. But I also don't want to lose her because she is very important to me. So what do you think about this situation?
- [42:25]
Anna Kai
I have so many thoughts that I will be happy to share with you after a quick word from my sponsors.
- [42:31]
Ryan Reynolds
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Anna Kai
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- [43:00]
Anna Kai
See full terms@mintmobile.com I'm just going to pull off the band aid right here. You have to break up with her. There is no other option. There's no way to salvage this relationship because what she is doing is so, so destructive and so manipulative and so toxic that it is not a healthy relationship. She's only important to you because she's trying to manipulate you into believing that you need her on some level to survive. She's telling you all of these things that your ex co workers are saying about you to make you feel bad so that then she can make you feel like you need her in some sick way to feel better in some way. She probably doesn't want to be working this job that you quit because she knows there's some shady illegal shit going on here and so she's using you to feel better about herself. Maybe she can't quit. I don't know what the situation is, but for whatever reason, she doesn't like that you left. Because I am sure she wants to leave and she can't leave or she feels like she can't leave. Those are two different things. But either way, she's not leaving. And she sees you doing what you want to do and she can't do it. And so the only way for her to feel a little bit better about herself is to cut you down is to tell you about all these terrible things that people may or may not be saying about you. I mean, you don't know. Are you recording them? She could be making this shit up, but she's actively telling you things to make you feel bad, even though she's wrapping it in, oh, I'm so concerned about you. Here's what other people are saying about you. You know, it's like, like why do you care? These are your ex coworkers. They're not employing you anymore. You're not working with them anymore. Stop giving so much of your life to the opinions of people who do not matter. So that's the first step. Stop caring about what your co workers are saying. And then maybe have you ever asked yourself if possibly that she's making this up, that maybe they're not talking about you behind your back? Maybe she's the only one talking about you behind your back to herself? I know she's important to you. I am not diminishing that. But just because somebody is important to you does not mean they are good for you. Every terrible relationship I have been in has been with a man that was very important to me that I did not want to lose. And I think it's almost so much easier to think about it in terms of a romantic relationship. Like, if this was a guy, we'd all be like, well, leave him. He's making you feel bad. He's controlling, he's dominating. But because it's a friend, we have a hard time computing that the same tactics that men use to gaslight us can be used by platonic female friends, too. She is a chad right now. Why the fuck does she give a shit about how quickly or not quickly your relationship moves with a guy you're dating? She's married. She doesn't want you to be happy. I hate to say that, but this is a woman who is actively trying to sabotage your life so that she can use your life as a measuring stick for hers. Because even though she might not be where she wants to be in life, she probably doesn't work the job she wants to be working. She might not be married to the man she really wants to be married to. As long as your life is shittier, she can feel better about that. So I need you to let that hard truth sink in. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt. Stop telling yourself that this is such a good friend of yours who always has your best interests at heart. She doesn't. Maybe she did at one point, but she no longer does. And a huge part of life is realizing that not every friendship. I'm not talking about relationship, because we know you really, as long as you're monogamous, settle down with one person, right? We have a hard time as adults letting go of friendships because it feels like they should be forever and they're not. Most friendships have a start and an end date. They're not always clear. A lot of friendships just fizzle out. Let this one die. Just let it go, okay? It will be difficult. You will feel lonely at first. But being lonely is so much better than being put down by somebody who intends to just keep you down so that they can feel a little bit higher. That's all for this week, Bitties. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's episode, you can do so@speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast that's speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast and if you're enjoying this episode or this podcast, please consider rating, reviewing, subscribing and downloading. Thanks so much. Love you all and talk to you next week.
- [48:17]
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