← Brutally Anna
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- [00:00]
Anna Cai
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Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tb. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu like symptoms or if you need a vaccine. Ask your doctor if Tremphaya can help you manage the cycle of UC symptoms. Call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more or visit tremphiradio.com welcome back bitties, to this week's solo episode of Brutally Anna. I'm your host Anna Cai, and as always, I hope this episode finds you doing well. But if it doesn't find you doing well, I hope it finds you trying to be at least alive, little bit better. And this week I want to start off by saying that no matter where you are in life right now, whether you are on top of the world or whether you could not dig a grave deep enough for how low you feel, it's really never as bad or as good as you feel. Because I was thinking about this the other day. I have died several times. If you look at my 20s and you take all the men who left me who I thought were going to be my husbands in my forever and my bulletproof plan for failing in life because I was already failing in my career and every single time my life was ending, I realized that adversity is exactly what I needed. Because I think at my core I'm kind of lazy. Like I think I fake being a really productive person very well and and I get a lot done but at my core I just want to rot and do nothing. And when times are really good and everything falls into place, there's no motivation for me to do any better. Because I'm like, things are pretty good right now. Why do I need to make them better? And there have been a few instances in my life where things have been really good. But for the majority of my life and my childhood, things were pretty shitty. And that's why I chose this insane career path. I chose to live a quote unquote creative life after college in my 20s, because there was this innate desire in me to make my life better in a way that would almost make up for all the shit I had to go through as a kid. I remember thinking I was like, no, damn. I was so poor as a kid and life was so hard and my parents worked so hard that I had this huge desire within me not to be ordinary. Because I had spent so long trying to fit in and trying to be ordinary. And I don't mean ordinary in any negative sense. I think for the most part, people who have more attainable dreams and who are satisfied with less are probably happier than those of us who have loftier goals, even though on the outside it may seem like we have more. But I mean ordinary in the sense that we were below ordinary. We were just struggling to be ordinary. When you're struggling to pay the rent or to save enough money to buy not even a house, a condo even, you sometimes tend to grow into an adult that not only wants to make sure you're secure, but wants to make sure you live in abundance, that everything you have cannot be taken away from you, because the reality of what you used to live is still so visceral to you, especially in your formative years. And I talked to Dave about this a lot and the fact that he grew up very comfortably upper middle class, and he didn't want for much as a child. They weren't wildly wealthy, but he had whatever he needed as a kid. His parents did a great job raising him and his brother. They worked hard and taught Dave and his brother to work hard. And they're both in great careers now and they're living great, fulfilling lives. But he didn't grow up with a sense of lack that I grew up with. And as a result, he doesn't have the same feelings towards material things that I do. I love a good handbag, I love fancy things. I love big houses. He doesn't really care about big houses. We live in a house that is way too big for our needs. And I know that sounds like a flex, and I'm really trying not to make it sound like that, but I'm trying to prove a Point that the reason, or at least part of the reason we bought this house is because there is still some part of me as a kid that romanticized this big house in the suburbs. I didn't get it. So I wanted it now as an adult and I got it. And I'm so happy and I'm so proud of us for doing that. But I also realized that I woke up one morning this week and I was thinking about all the things that I hadn't achieved. Right, because social media will do that for you. Social media will take your life and stack it up against everybody else's highlights. And I remember waking up and thinking, oh my God, I've done so much. But, you know, I haven't done this. I haven't made this list. I haven't won this award. How are my videos doing? And I started running through this list and I had to take a pause because as I'm running through my anxiety panic list of how shit I'm doing in life, I realize I'm living in my dream house with my dream man, my dream dog. My parents are healthy and happy. I just got back from a vacation with them in Florida. I got more than what I asked for as a child. So much more. I couldn't have fathomed living this life when I was 10. If I can't be happy right now, even if the minutiae of my life isn't perfect, I'm never going to be happy. Because here's the thing. Things are never as good or as bad as they feel. Because your feelings lie. Your feelings take what's going on in the moment and they extrapolate it and they say, well, this is the rest of your life. So what does that look like for me on a day to day basis? And maybe it's different from yours because maybe you're not a creator. But like, for me, if I have a video that doesn't perform well and I thought, man, this video was gonna hit, I'm like, ugh, my life is over. My career is over. I can't believe we just did this back in December. I was like, oh, it's been a little bit of a quieter holiday than it has been. And I just felt like my career was ending, truly. And it didn't. I had the best January 1st quarter. First quarter is not even over yet that I've ever had in my two and a half years of doing this. And, you know, I found myself this week kind of going back again to being like, okay, well, I had a great January. I Had a great February, but now what? Oh, you know, this hasn't happened. And now it's maybe a little quieter again and, and it's an endless cycle. And so when the highs are high, I hope you know that you shouldn't be buying into them too much. And when the lows are low, you shouldn't buy into them too much either. And the same goes for breakups. I mean, for those of you who have been in relationships and broken up and gotten back together, not back together, but gotten together with new partners, you know how it feels. You know how all consuming a breakup feels and how it feels like your world is ending and then you eventually heal and you're like, I can't believe I even thought that. I look at the exes that I dated eight years ago and I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe I thought that guy was going to end my life. I had so much life left to live. I still have so much life to live. Isn't that silly that some guy that I met on Hinge for six weeks who love bombed me, I thought that was going to be the end all, be all. Nah, I turned him into a viral TikTok. Let your failures, let your low points propel you to build up to your high points. Like I said, I am inherently lazy and maybe that's why capitalism exists, honestly, because maybe people are inherently lazy and if we didn't have money to work for, we just wouldn't advance as a civilization. I feel very conflicted about capitalism in general and how it feels like we're always working for more, especially in western society. And then we get more, but then we always want even more. And then I think about all the advancements humanity has made and how a lot of it wouldn't have been possible without our desire to have more, to create more, to make more money. And so I'm torn. But what I'm trying to say is, is that I've never had a glow up in my life without having an absolute catastrophe be the catalyst for that glow up. There's this common question that I get a lot is like, oh, how do you become confident? How are you so confident online? And it's like, what makes you think I'm confident? A few 60 second reels that I post online every week. I have approached my life with very little confidence for the most part. But here's the thing. You don't have to have confidence to do things. You gain confidence by doing things and then by getting better at those things because you practice doing them. I had no idea what I was doing when I started on social media four years ago. And if I had stopped three years ago, I would have been a failure. But I didn't. I just kept going because honestly, I didn't really know what else to do and I wasn't confident. But I did it anyways because I was like, well, I got to do something right? And I've already started down this path and everybody already knows, so it's not like a secret and it's embarrassing enough, so I might as well just continue to embarrass myself. And I think that's a beautiful part about not having anything to lose, is that you're not really scared because in a way, your ego is the only thing that holds you back most of the time. Most of the time, people don't do things not because they're afraid they're going to fail. They're afraid of looking like they failed to other people. If you fail in a vacuum, and let's say you have no one in your life who cares, I mean, it sucks. You put all your effort into something that didn't come to fruition. It wasn't successful. But when you fail and the people in your life know, and you know, some people are happy to see you fail, that hurts. Because we're social creatures and we're hardwired to want the approval of our community and the people around us. But you don't need anybody's approval to go live your best life. You have to remember that for the most part, people are not going to believe you while you're trying to do it, whatever it is for you. But after you do it, people are going to be asking you how you did it. So I want to change things up a little bit. We're going to do a little segment called tell me your secrets. And it's going to be a couple secrets that you guys told me on Instagram stories the other day. And man, some of them were juicy, some of them were heartbreaking, and some of them were honestly just freaking hilarious. So I want to start with one that I didn't answer on Instagram yesterday. This one is juicy, okay? Like the Juicy fruit from the 90s. Is juicy fruit still around that gum, do we know? I don't know. Anyways, so this bitty goes. I'm a luxury escort at 51 years old. I left my six figure job and education and became a multi six figure escort. And I love it. First of all, more power to you, girlfriend. Also, if you're Listening to this episode, or if you're not this bitty, who wrote into me, but you are a luxury escort. I would love to talk to you because I'm so curious as to a how you become a luxury escort, right? Like, how do you do that versus a non luxury escort? How does one rise in the ranks of escorts? But second, I think there's something so important empowering about letting your freak flag fly. For lack of a better term, not doing what society expects you to do and doing what fulfills you. And as long as you're staying safe and as long as you're supporting yourself and you're not hurting anyone, then go for it. Okay, I understand the taboo and the stigma there, but here's my thing with escorts and all that jazz is that if there wasn't a market for it, there would be no business for it. But there clearly is. And I don't know if that's a byproduct of the fact that there are a lot of lonely men who don't know how to express their feelings to women that they're not paying, but that's a whole separate question. I guess my concern would be is if you are a luxury escort and you start getting paid by a man regularly to spend time with him and then you actually get to know each other, which I know a lot of escorts do, it's not a purely transactional relationship, and sometimes there's not even sex involved. What if you catch feelings for him? Like, I think for me, it'd be really hard to not fantasize about the possibility of our relationship not being transactional if I was an escort, and I really like this guy that I was spending a lot of time with even if I knew there was money involved. So I'm curious as to how luxury escorts keep their feelings out of the mix when they're actually being paid to keep their feelings out of the mix. I mean, we're all human at the end of the day, and I think sometimes my fantasy would get the better of me, but that's just me. I don't know you, do you, girl? I love that you are living your life on your own terms because it's actually a lot easier to live life on everyone else's terms because then you don't have to make your own decisions. So more power to you. This next secret is Divorced and met somebody new, but my kids don't know. Honestly, I kind of love that. And I think there's something really great about the fact that you're not springing this new relationship on your children, who, depending on when you got divorced, may or may not still be trying to heal from that divorce. Like, I think about my worst case scenario as a child, if my parents got divorced, like, that would have been traumatic enough. But then let's say three months later my mom brought a new guy home. I think I would lose my. So I think you haven't told your kids because you know they're not ready. And I think it's really important to make sure that if you're going to introduce a significant other to them that, you know, he's going to stay around for the long haul. You know they're ready. And that's unfortunately just the reality of it. It's not fair that single people without children get to date freely and introduce them to family members. When you get divorced with kids, you have to contend with your children's feelings. And I think it's important to talk to them about it. Like, how would you feel if mommy met somebody new? And just kind of gauge where they are depending on how old they are and see. But, but I think one of the best things I ever heard, which I thought was so true, because at least that's how I felt as a kid, is that a lot of times parents justify the divorce by saying, oh, you know, the kids would want me to be happy. And the reality is the kids, for the most part, as long as it wasn't a crazy, toxic, abusive relationship and you're fighting all the time, and then they truly just want you to be happy and they want you to move. I think if it was a functional marriage and your ex husband is a good guy, but just not the right guy for you and you know, there was nothing catastrophic about the marriage. I think for the most part kids just want to be happy themselves because, you know, kids are selfish little fuckers, it's fine. That's what they're supposed to do. They're not supposed to really, at least when they're super young, think about other people because they need to think about how to survive. We are hardwired from a very young age to have these survival instincts. And some of those survival instincts is to keep the family unit intact, whether or not it's good for you. The divorcee mom. And I'm not saying that to say that, oh, you should have stayed with your husband, like, your kids are not a good enough reason to stay in a marriage that you no longer want to be in. Let me just say that, okay? If you are horribly, horribly depressed and you cannot fathom a way forward with the marriage you're in. Do not stay for the kids. Everyone will be miserable. But I will say, if you have children, you owe it to each other. You owe it to yourselves, and you owe it to your children to see if there's a way to repair the marriage. Whereas Esther Perel says, begin a new marriage, but with the same person. I love that. How romantic. In this case, you were already divorced and so the deed has been done. You've met somebody new and you know this secret. It's Sometimes we keep secrets because it it would be more harmful for the people in our lives to know the truth. Now, obviously, if you're two years into a relationship with a man and you're about to marry him and your kids still don't know, that's a whole different case. But for now, I think you're doing the right thing. Make it your secret. Get to know him, figure out whether he's going to be in it for the long haul. Figure out if your kids are mentally ready and you'll figure out the right time. You will. Trust me. All right, we're going to get into some voicemails and before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. Long gone are the days of waiting.
- [20:03]
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Anna Cai
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Anna Cai
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- [20:29]
Anna Cai
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- [20:54]
Unknown Speaker
Of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com hi Anna, I love your podcast and your TikToks. Thank you for being the older sister that I never had. So I am 26 and I have lived near my parents my entire life and I feel very lucky to be able to say that because I have a great relationship with them. We did move states once for college. They moved with me to the state I was going to. And now that I'm 26, graduated with my master's, I feel like my life is just beginning. And I have this dream city that I've always wanted to live in. And I'm torn between staying close to them while they are still around and moving while I'm still in my 20s and exploring something new that terrifies me. And I just, I get these anxious thoughts of what if something happens to them while I'm away? Or what if something happens to me and I need their help? And yeah, I'm just, I go back and forth on this, making the move or not. So I'm just wondering if you have any thoughts and would love to hear back. Thank you.
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Anna Cai
I did not coin this phrase, but I am going to reiterate it to you. You can have anything you want in life, but you can't have it all at the same time. And I think that's what's happening right here, right now, is that you want to live close to your parents, but you also want to live in this far flung glamorous city that is far from your parents. And there is a way to have both, even though you can't have them at the expense, exact same time. I think, first of all, you have to realize that anything could happen to anybody. Anything could happen to your parents, anything could happen to you. Anything could happen to anybody you love, no matter where you are in the world. You being close to your parents is not going to prevent terrible things from happening to them. But what you are doing right now is imagining the worst case scenario for basically every option you want. You're imagining staying at home with your parents, close to them and feeling like you missed out in your 20s and living this kind of carefree life that really only people in their 20s can live. And you're imagining also at the same time the worst case scenario of you moving to the city and living the life that you want to live, but then missing out on what's going on back home. Here's the thing. You can fly airplanes. They exist. If something were to happen to your parents, God forbid, while you were in another city, fly the home. Okay, I say this with love and grace. It's just you are not rooted. This is not. You know, my parents grew up in communist China. And instead of states in China, they have provinces. And provinces work very much like states, except in the US you can go from whatever state to the Next. And you're not going to be ID'd. And basically I could go to Wisconsin tomorrow from Connecticut and cross a bajillion states to get there, and it'd be fine. In China back then, it didn't work like that. If you left your state, let's say you lived in Connecticut and you went to Wisconsin, it would be very, very difficult to travel back to Connecticut. So my dad, he grew up in Shanghai, and he got into a university in a totally different province. So his options were to be uneducated because he didn't get into a university in Shanghai, or to get educated in a different province and fight to get back to Shanghai. And that's exactly what he did. And it was really, really difficult. Think, like, trying to get your visa or your green card as an undocumented immigrant in this country, difficult. And so you're not in that position. You can fly. I don't know if it's in a different country, but you sound American. And it's very easy to get back to the US as a US citizen, no matter where you are in the world. But as. Especially if the new city you want to live in is in the us, you are not rooted. Okay. You are a bird. I don't know how old you are. No, I actually do know how old you are. You're in your 20s, so you're really young. So you might not know this song, but Nelly Furtado sang this very popular song in my youth, and it goes like, I'm like a bird. I only fly away. You are a bird, my darling. Fly away. You can always fly back home if it's not the right fit for you. And I spent a good part of my 20s doing that. I lived in LA for a summer, and that was very far from where my parents lived outside of Philly. And I was trying to decide whether I could stand being a plane ride away from them. And what I realized through my summer in LA was that I couldn't. And also, I didn't really like la. So there's also that fact. You might move to this dream city of yours and realize that you don't like it as much as you were hyping it up to be in your mind. There's all these things you don't know, and you're trying to predict the worst outcome, which is why you're anxious and scared. And the only way to find out is if you go, go. Even if you go for a month and you absolutely hate it, there's nobody saying that you have to Stick it out. But you're never gonna get any younger. And unless your parents are on their deathbed right now, which it doesn't sound like they are, I'm sure they would want you to go too.
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C
Hey Anna, I'm sending you this voice note from the uk. I kind of wanted to reach out. I don't often do this sort of thing, so this might be a bit of a messy voice note, but I wanted to reach out because I feel like having listened to your podcast for a little while now, I feel like there's quite a lot of parallels in some of the stuff you've experienced and some of the stuff I'm going through at the moment. So I'm a 26 year old singer, I'm tempting to be a singer and I bartend to make my money. I still live with my parents and I just feel like the singing thing isn't really working out. I've always felt like my purpose in life was to be a singer and a songwriter and I've had some really great experiences. I've played some really cool gigs and I've written with some really cool people, but it's just like not happening. It's not like, it's not like there's no momentum. It's not, it's like one off little event and then, and then nothing. And I see all of my friends and they're like living these amazing corporate lives where they're like, you know, financially stable and have really great partners and just like living life in your 20s. And I just feel like I'm so far behind and I just don't know what I'm doing and I just feel a bit lost and I just wondered if you had any words of encouragement or any advice you could offer. I'd really appreciate it. Yeah, thank you so much.
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Anna Cai
Appreciate it Bitty. I feel this question so, so much. And I will be back to answer it after a quick word from my spons.
- [28:45]
Unknown Speaker
Welcome to Live Laugh Lies where we dive deep into the complex and often twisted world of relationships gone wrong. I'm your host Susie Evans and each week we bring the real life stories from individuals deceived by those who they trusted most. From notorious media scandals to jaw dropping listener submitted stories, we explore the heart wrenching and sometimes hilariously absurd experiences to those who just wanted to live Laugh love, but instead got lies. Join us for candid conversations with guests who share their personal journeys and experts who help us identify red flags and navigate the dating jungle. But don't worry, we'll make time to include lighthearted dating stories too, because it's safe to say that dating in our modern world is downright laughable. Tune in to Live Laugh Lies every Wednesday because sometimes the best stories emerge from the worst heartbreaks. Subscribe and follow on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts. And join us because the truth, no matter how hidden, is always worth uncovering. I'm in love with my best friend's ex.
- [29:51]
Anna Cai
My sister is having an affair.
- [29:53]
Unknown Speaker
I think my therapist is emotionally unavailable.
- [29:56]
Anna Cai
Did my mom just join a cult?
- [29:59]
Unknown Speaker
These are just a few of the real life dilemmas we've helped our listeners sort through on our podcast. Unsolicited Advice I'm Ashley. And I'm Taryn.
- [30:07]
Anna Cai
Each week on Unsolicited Advice, we unpack our listeners dilemmas on air and give our unfiltered advice.
- [30:14]
Unknown Speaker
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- [30:21]
Anna Cai
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- [30:24]
Unknown Speaker
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- [30:27]
Anna Cai
So whether you need some guidance of your own or just want to eat, drop on other people's juicy stories. Tune into Unsolicited Advice every Monday wherever you get your podcasts. I've talked about my failed acting career prior to my influencer career quite a bit on my socials, but what I haven't really talked about a ton was the other career that failed prior to my failed acting career, which was my failed singer songwriter career. Yeah, so you and I, honey, we are a lot more alike than even you probably thought. I grew up in high school being a theater kid and a choir kid and I sang all throughout high school and probably doesn't sound like that based off of my Nelly Furtado impression. But yeah, I was like kind of decent at it. I would say I was an above average singer, but I had this thing where my voice would get very hoarse after not a very long time of singing and that is something genetic within me. Like my dad has that. I don't think my mom has it, but it's from my dad. Like our voices get tired easily and I took all the voice lessons I could get my hands on in college and nothing really helped. I mean, I learned better ways to speak and project and not be so harsh on my vocal cords. The other problem for me was I was drinking and shouting a ton every weekend, like three nights in a row. So no matter how good you are to your vocal cords Monday through Thursday, if Thursday Through Saturday, you are trying to have a conversation over blaring music at a club. It's not going to turn out too well. Okay. So I realized pretty quickly. No, I wouldn't say pretty quickly. I realized after a few years in college that I was just not going to be a singer songwriter. That that was not going to be a sustainable way for me to pursue my dreams. But prior to sophomore year of college, I grew up wanting to become a singer. I wanted to try out for American Idol. I never did. And I wanted to become a singer songwriter. When I got into college, I thought I'd teach myself guitar and it just didn't feel like it had really any legs. Like I could just sense that it wasn't really going anywhere. And it was kind of heartbreaking when I realized it. But then I realized too. I was like, oh, well, if I give up this one dream, I get to have another dream. And so I was like, well, what doesn't require me to have perfect vocal health? I thought, well, I can be an actor. I wanted to be a creative, right? So I was like, okay, so maybe I'll try that. So I tried my hand in acting classes and I had done a lot of theater in high school and I really liked it. So I was like, instead of becoming a singer, I will become an actor. And I held onto that dream for 10 plus years. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I still have that dream. I saw casting come out for a really big production that is in development the other day and I emailed my agents and I was like, look, I know it's a long shot. I know the world knows me as an influencer, but if there is any chance I can be seen for this production, please let me know. And look, to my agent's credit, she got back to me right away and she was like, we will keep an eye on it. It is way too early. We don't have a breakdown yet of the characters, but if there's an opportunity, we'll let you know. So here's my thing is that the dream for me was actually always to be a creative and to tell stories and to not only lift myself up spiritually, financially, physically with my career, but to lift others up. Because I'll never forget the feeling I had as a broke kid of Chinese immigrant parents in Philly and watching watching the behind the Music documentary of Christina Aguilera and her rise to fame and what her voice sounded like even as an 8 year old and how she lifted herself and her Family up from poverty with her voice and how inspiring that was to me. And I wanted that. I said, you know, I remember being a kid and being like, I want to change my life and I want to change other lives the way Christina Aguilera has changed mine. And I don't think I'm anywhere close to Christina Aguilera's level of reach at this point. But I will say I'm pretty happy with the fact that I do feel like I'm changing lives for the better in some small way. I don't think I'm Mother Teresa and trust me, I have so many moments of self doubt. But I got my dream. I just had to figure out what the actual dream was. And for you, maybe the dream that you really want hasn't even come into your head yet. If singing is just not working out for you, don't be afraid to dream another dream. Maybe for you it is going to become an actress. Or what about a writer? Okay, you're a singer songwriter, so you know how to write, right? What about all the possibilities and all the other things you like to do besides singing and songwriting together? And why don't we extrapolate that and see if there's something else that maybe the world needs more of than your singing and songwriting? And I tried this in my late 20s. I was already with Dave at the time, and I was seeing some minor success as an actor, probably similar to what you're experiencing as a musician, but nothing really took off. And again, I was watching all of my friends have these really lucrative careers and it just felt like their lives had started and mine hadn't, as you said. And so my first foray into the world of social media when I was 28, was trying to become a cooking blogger. I created a WordPress. I called it the Moofi, which is the name of the stuffed dog that I still sleep with to this day at 34 years old. Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and proudly so. And I tried my hand at baking and cooking new recipes. And I did this out of my tiny, tiny kitchen in New York City. It was the size of not even a walk in closet, like just a normal closet, even less than a normal closet. It was so small, but it had everything I needed. And I tried. And I was like, I don't really know how much I love cooking to this extent. I mean, I like cooking for my family and so I can eat healthily, but not every day. Not like that. No wishbone kitchen up in this joint. Okay. So I let that die. And then I didn't think about the whole blogging thing for a while after that. Until the pandemic when I lost my job. My, you know, practical job in real estate that made me money, not the acting job. There was really nothing to lose there because I never gotten it in the first place. And I was like, well, I guess I'll try this blogging thing again. And here I am. And so I guess my words of encouragement or advice to you is I don't know if singing and songwriting is the end all be all for you. It sounds like you don't either. But if you want to live a creative life, there are many ways to do that. It doesn't have to be singing and songwriting, and you don't know what part of your story is going to resonate the most with people. In what way. Again, maybe writing, maybe acting, maybe composing. Who knows, Maybe instead of being the actual talent, maybe you just write songs for other people. I think that's how Jessie J started. And look at her now. There are so many roads to success, and if I had let the fact that I was quote unquote behind in life stop me, I would have never gotten here. And I have to remind myself of that constantly. Okay, so you and me, girl, we are learning this at the same time. Even though, like I said at the beginning of this episode, I am so grateful to be living this life. And in so many ways I couldn't have even imagined living this life, I still feel like I'm behind. Sometimes that feeling of being behind is just you wanting to grow. So let yourself grow. See where that growth takes you. And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised if you just give yourself time to explore. That's all for this week. Bitties. Thanks so much for listening if you enjoyed this episode or if you're enjoying this podcast. As always, I appreciate all the ratings, reviews, comments, and if you want to leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's episode, you can do so@speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast.
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