← Brutally Anna
Brutally Anna
Solo Episode: My emotional baggage around Christmas cards and dating advice on what to do when the chemistry is there, but the sex isn't
01:05:10
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- [00:01]
Anna
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And basically by the time I get to December I feel like my brain has just mentally shut down from the year. Especially after a year like this where I have just never struggled as much as I have with my mental health health. I really just feel like Thanksgiving was such a welcome break. It was just five days of very little work, a lot of food, a lot of sleep. But in the end it just made me realize how burned out I was by this year. And so if you guys are in the same boat as me, feeling like Thanksgiving was a welcome respit, but not nearly enough, I would like to remind you that we have two and a half ish weeks left before our country, if you are listening in the US at least shuts down for a little bit longer. Those 10 days in between Christmas and New Year's are some of my favorite. And it's really only gotten better as I've gotten older because I just remember thinking when I was a kid how the holidays were a reminder of everything I didn't have. Because there's like a way you're supposed to do the holidays when you're a kid growing up in the suburbs of Philly. And my family and I, because we struggled for so much of my childhood, we tried our best to do what everyone else did, but it always felt a little different. And one of the ways in which it always felt a little different was that I realized that all the kids around me and their families sent each other Christmas cards with photos on them of the family looking very picture perfect and happy. And those Christmas cards would always have a blurb on the back of everything everybody achieved. And it was a highlight reel of what your year was like. And now when I get these Christmas cards as an adult, from our friends to us, and you know, we also send Christmas cards out, I feel some weird mixture of joy, but also resentment. And the resentment part comes from my childhood and getting those Christmas cards and never sending one out. Because really the reality of my year when I was a kid is that some stuff was good and my parents did the best they could to give me a nice Christmas every year. If we weren't getting a real tree every year, because those were expensive, we'd set up the fake tree and we had lots of Christmas ornaments that my parents would get either from the church, donated for free, or occasionally we'd spring for one and buy it. And they'd always save up to get me nice Christmas gifts. You know, one year I remember they gave me a whole Barbie collection of Spice Girls. Every single Spice Girl and in Barbie form. And they did their best. But I was always acutely aware of the reality that it was an effort for them to give me a nice Christmas, whereas with other families it always felt so effortless. And maybe this is part of the childhood naivete that actually a lot of my friends parents were not having an easy time with the holidays. But when you look at a Christmas card, it's like the precursor to social media. All you see is the smiling, happy face and the two paragraph blurb of everyone's accomplishments for the year. But those don't tell the whole picture of the rest of the whatever, 350 days a year or 364 days a year. Those tell a picture of a couple days. And as I've gotten older and I've sort of started to tap into why I feel a mixture of pride and resentment when I send out and receive Christmas cards. I've just realized that for me, I think what I would love as an adult now is for somebody to send me a Christmas card listing all of the wonderful things that they want to memorialize. Sure. But also listing some of the shitty things that they had to deal with. Last year when we sent out our Christmas card for 2023, I really wanted to write how I had had a great year professionally, but I also lost my grandfather at the beginning of the year. And so I spent the first three months of 2023 in an existential crisis wondering how I'm going to cope with anybody in my life dying if I can't cope with the fact that my 95 year old grandfather passed away peacefully, surrounded by his family members. But of course I can't write that on a Christmas card because Lord knows I'd probably get a few concern calls from family members. So I guess I'm just saying it here in the hopes that nobody actually know in real life listens to my pod. But I guess I'm also saying that it would be a welcome change for me to receive a card that maybe hinted at a little bit more than just perfection every year. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that when I was filling out our Christmas card this year and creating the design and I just ordered it, you get to the back and they have a little suggested blurb, it's like, oh, you know, this year was filled with soccer games and ballet recitals and ho, hey, hum, what a great year. And then of course you're supposed to delete that filler line and then fill in your own list of accolades and achievements. And I just didn't put anything. I didn't even have a funny quip to say this year because the truth of this year is that it was great in so many ways. We did achieve a lot as a family. But I also lost my shit this year, mentally. I went on Zoloft and realized for the first time in my life that, yes, I do need the drugs. Not the illegal ones, the ones prescribed to me. Other stories from this year that I definitely can't put on my Christmas card because I'll get some very concerned calls. But I had just started Zoloft the spring of this year and I had to go get my nails done because I was about to go on a brand trip. So I go to the nail salon and I'm going to get powder on my nails because it lasts forever. And that's what I usually do before I go away for a while, so the nails don't chip. So I'm sitting there and I'm really fucking depressed. Which is why I finally succumbed to taking Zolof, because trust me, I made it freaking 33 years without taking drugs. I was like, I can make it another 33. But I just really got to a point where I was like, I'm so depressed. And so I started taking Zoloft and it doesn't work right away. So I'm two days in and I'm still pretty depressed. And so I'm sitting at the nail salon and I'm looking out the window and I just think I'm getting my nails done. They're expensive nails that I would have never paid for a couple years ago, because when you're making no money, you're not spending $80 on your nails. And I'm thinking, I'm sitting here getting my nails done, going on a brand trip with one of my dream brands, going to a dream destination, and I just feel totally dead inside. I was just so depressed. And for the first time in my life, I just thought, this feels kind of pointless. So I knew something was really wrong because I had been really depressed up until that point, but that was the first time that I had felt that life was a little bit meaningless, because even when I've been depressed in the past, I still feel like, okay, there's meaning in this. There's a point to me getting up and doing things, even though it's hard. And now I was like, this is just complete. Like, this is absolutely nonsense. This is the matrix I'm living in right now. So I call my doctor while I'm in the nail salon because I'm spiraling, even though I'm spiraling silently. And I tell her what's going on, and she's really concerned. She's like, do you think you're gonna harm yourself? And I was like, no. But I was like, look, here's the thing is, I'm sitting here getting my nails done, and I feel like for the first time in my life, I understand why people take their own lives. And don't worry, I am not going to take my own life. I'm not going to hurt myself. But I could see that if I had to feel like this every day for the rest of my life, why it would be pointless to live. Okay, so suicide and depression is no joke. Okay? But in retrospect, it's a little bit funny in a morbid way, because you have to imagine me having this conversation on the phone with my psychiatrist in a crowded nail salon where I'm seated literally a foot away from two people on either side of me who are just trying to have a nice afternoon. Maybe they're trying to get away from their kids for a little bit and get their nails done. And this chick, AKA me, in the center is literally mentally breaking down, talking about how life is absolutely meaningless. So I didn't even look at the women around me because I was like, I don't even want to see their faces. I don't want to make eye contact. This is nobody's problem but my own. I am sorry this happened when it did. Please just ignore me and go back to living your beautiful lives. Look, I think it's kind of funny now only because I'm not there anymore. And obviously, again, I don't think it's funny that I felt like that. But I don't know. We laugh to keep from crying, or at least I do. So that just made me realize, like, okay, I got to a point this year where mentally, I just felt like there was no point in living anymore if I had to feel the way I was feeling every day for the rest of my life. Like, I need to be medicated. And that's what I'm doing. And it has been a total game changer. But you can't write that you fell in love with SSRIs on your Christmas card. Let me think. What else can I not put on the Christmas card that happened this year? Oh, how about this? Two weeks ago, instead of getting on a 7am flight to LA, I was in the veterinary ER with our dog who had had a seizure for the first time in almost two years. Our dog Sawyer, has epilepsy and it's well under control with her medication. She's on this medication called Keppra Extended Release, which has been a godsend because she started getting seizures every week and it was really, really scary. So she gets them very infrequently now. But she got one that was really bad a couple weeks ago. It was right when I was supposed to go to la. And so I delayed my flight, messed up my plans. I stayed up all night. It was just a horrible night. I mean, she wet the bed when she gets seizures, like, she can't control herself. So that was unfortunate. Look, this is not supposed to be a list of all the terrible things that happened to me this year, but I guess I'm just saying this because I do feel like there's so much pressure at the end of every year to be like, this was such an amazing year. Like, look at the year in review and everything you've accomplished and all the fun times we had. And yes, I had so many fun times. I had so many earth shattering, oh, my God, is this my life moments? But then I also had so many horrible, oh, my God, this is my life moments. And maybe it's just me, but I think the world would be a much better place if everybody just wrote an honest Christmas card. Like, hey, little Timmy didn't get his black belt this year. He only got his brown belt. And he was really upset, but he kept trying and he failed again. So we realized karate is not his thing. We're going to pivot. Or Sarah didn't get into any of her top three schools. So she's going to go to her backup school, which is disappointing, but we're glad she's going to college. And, hey, at least she got some money to go to her backup school. I think there's so many moments like this in our lives and 365 days a year where maybe the days don't fall totally short, but they fall short of our aspirational hopes and dreams. And I think the world would be a much better place if we all just admitted that to one another. I've always had a really difficult time, especially as I've gotten older with fraudulence. And what I mean by that is just sort of the need to keep up appearances and the need to make it seem like everything's perfect. I don't have any interest in hanging out with people who need to make it feel like everything is always perfect all the time. And maybe that's why I get annoyed even at our own Christmas cards, because I'm like, wow, we look so fucking perfect in that photo. And maybe that's where this urge to just kind of be like, hey, flip to the back and realize that we're smiling here. But there were plenty of days that we were crying comes from. But in any case, since I can't do that, because I am pretty sure again, that I would get some very concerned calls from family members if I did end up spilling everything that I just told you guys onto the back of a Christmas card. I'm telling you guys because I think it's important that you know that despite the fact that you see a glimmer of the joy in my life on social media, there is so much darkness behind it. And that doesn't detract from all the wonderful stuff that I'm blessed to have in my life and all the people and all the love that I have, it just means that it's not the whole story. And so if you're feeling a little bit weird this holiday season, maybe you just broke up with somebody, maybe you don't really have a family to go home to, or maybe you have family to go home to, but you can't get home for whatever reason. And you're getting all these Christmas cards from your friends, or you're seeing all these influencers, picture perfect lives on Instagram and TikTok. Just know, like, nobody has it figured out because everyone's smiling on the front of their Christmas card and everyone has a backside to that card that some of them choose to cherry pick the Highlights from. But what you don't see are all the words that they didn't choose to write on the back of that card. And so, for me, if anybody's listening from my real life and you get our Christmas card this year, you'll know what I wanted to put on the back of that card. But enough about Christmas. Let's talk about the holiday that just passed. Thanksgiving. I had a lovely Thanksgiving. It was quiet, it was uneventful, and it was full of traditions that are unique to our family. My parents and I don't really like turkey, and we're Chinese, so we eat Chinese food on Thanksgiving. And what we've done for at least the last couple years is we do hot pot on Thanksgiving. And my mom makes Dave two dozen pork buns because he doesn't like hot pot. So he gets his own personal plate of his favorite dish of my mom's cooking, pork buns. And the rest of us eat hot pot. And this year, my dad even got Sawyer her own personal steak. He went and he got a lean cut of, I think, New York strip steak and. And grilled it on a pan with no salt, because dogs aren't supposed to have salt or seasoning or anything like that. And she had a lovely Thanksgiving, too. But I was talking to my parents over Thanksgiving, and I was just saying how much has changed in the last. Not only two years, but really the last four, five, six, seven, eight. All these years. All these years between the time I graduated college and now and just feeling like I was never going to figure it out. And maybe I don't feel like I have it all figured out right now, because obviously, as you could tell, I'm still struggling with my mental health, but I certainly feel like I have it more together than I did in my 20s, because I no longer feel like I'm just behind all the time. And now I realize what being behind really meant. My dad sent me this quote, and I tried to verify that it was actually John D. Rockefeller that said it, but I couldn't. I mean, I literally Googled the entire quote, and it didn't pop up at all on Google. So you're just gonna have to take my word for it that John D. Rockefeller said it. The quote goes, there will be many tests in life. Those who are ahead today will be behind you tomorrow. And I don't mean to say this in some depressing way, like I hope everybody who is ahead of you and where you want to be today falls behind you and lives a crushing, depressing life. I just mean to say that my life, the way it has panned out in the last 10 years, is that I just always felt behind Everybody in my 20s because I chose to live a pretty atypical creative path after college. And so while the rest of my friends and my peers were building their careers and climbing the corporate ladder and. And by the way, some of them were just being successful in their creative pursuits, too. It wasn't like the only people in my life that I knew who were successful were in corporate professions. I knew people from NYU who pursued the arts and made it, quote, unquote, very early on. And there was just me out there. And, you know, prior to being 25, you can sort of just chalk it up to being young and not having enough time. But you hit 28 and you hit 29, and you haven't made it yet, and you're just like, what the hell's going on? Like, everybody around me is building their lives, and I'm just waiting for a break so I can even start mine. And what I realized now was that what looked like me being behind was actually me just building that. Just because a house takes longer to build doesn't mean it's any less beautiful or spectacular than the house that took 25 seconds to build. Sometimes they're built better. Not always, but sometimes. And so my house, my foundation, just took longer to build. And some of the people that I looked at and thought, I will never be where you are are now not where I am. I'll tell you a story. I went to high school with a girl who went to college, studied acting, and pretty much became a working actress right out of college, which is really unheard of. And she really ended up doing some really, really cool things in her career very early on, Things that I just never thought I would ever be able to achieve in my life. And she was a few years older than me in high school. She didn't really know me, but I knew her because that's just how it worked. Like, the freshman knew the seniors. And I remember bumping into her at an audition. We weren't auditioning for the same show, but it was all held in this casting director's office. And I remembered her name, and I called her by her name. And she looked at me square in the face, and she goes, hi, Emily. And just said the wrong name with so much confidence that for a second, I didn't realize she was talking to me. I thought she was talking to somebody behind me. I was really confused. But then I realized she actually meant, hi, Emily. To me. And it was one of those conversations where there was no room for me to respond back to be like, oh, actually my name is Anna. Because you could just tell she didn't give two fucks. The whole vibe of that 10 second long interaction was giving mean girls. It was giving, I am so much better than you that I can just call you the wrong name and you're just going to accept it and I'm going to walk away because I don't care what your real name is. I just never felt so small in my life. And a few weeks later I was recounting the story to my friend's mom who then suggested that I reach back out to this girl and she was like, look, like maybe you misread the situation. I know her mom, I know her from high school. Like I think that if you just talk to her she would be willing to help you because your trying to do what she's doing and she could give you some advice on how to make it as an actress. And I was like, okay, maybe I did read the situation wrong because I love my friend's mom. And I was like, maybe she's right, maybe I was just being too sensitive. Maybe she would be willing to help out, you know. So I email her and I'm trying to keep an open mind and I'm like, hey, so and so, it's Anna. We bumped into each other at so and so's casting office. Would love some advice on how you've really made this wonderful career for yourself in New York as an actress. And she emails me back and she goes, hey Anna, finally got my name right because it's in my email. So nice to hear from you. I would love to offer you some advice. I typically charge a hundred dollars for an hour long coaching session for you. And I'll never forget this, the U was all in capitals for you. I'm willing to offer you a discounted friends and family rate of $90 per hour long session. And when I got that email I was like, oh okay, So I was right. I wasn't the one being naive. Maybe my friend's mom, well intentioned as she may have been with being a little naive, I just remember feeling so small in that moment and just being like, you know what, I'm really just gonna go into a corner and die slowly now, maybe not even die slowly, I'm just gonna knock myself out. That was one of several moments in my life before I quote unquote made it where I realized that I'm just never going to talk to anybody in a way that makes them even feel slightly like I might be talking town to them. Because I know what it feels like to be patronized and to feel less than. And it's such a horrible feeling because somebody is either directly or indirectly saying to you, like, you are less worthy than me because I've achieved more than you. And regardless of what your resume looks like to the world, you are worthy. You are worthy of whatever you want, no matter how crazy your dreams may be. I was worthy of what I wanted, and there was no need for that girl I knew from high school to make me feel like that, because it certainly didn't get her ahead at all. And I look now at her career, and I look at my career, and I just realized that we're all on our own journey, and I wouldn't change a thing. I never thought I would even come close to the level of success she attained in her career. But, my God, today you couldn't pay me to swap lives with her. And that just goes to show. The road is so long. And just because you don't make it in your 20s, and just because everyone's ahead of you in your 20s, in your 30s, in your 40s, doesn't mean you can't make it later in life and potentially even be farther than anybody you are ever using as some imaginary benchmark. Nobody else's life is the goalpost for you. Your life is your own set of parameters. You are on your own path. And if I had achieved only what I had set out to achieve, I wouldn't have half of what I have today. Some of the best things in your life that you will see are just so completely unexpected that it will be impossible for you in this moment to realize all the good that is coming to you. So I urge you not to look to others as a sign of validation, but to look at your own journey and realize that if it's taken taking longer to build your house, it does not mean that your house will be less stable or beautiful or functional than anybody else's. It actually means that because you're taking more time to put it together, it will be better. We're going to get into some voicemails, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Holidays on the house at DraftKings Casino. With this season's offerings, you'll unwrap everything on your list. Exclusive games, huge, huge jackpots and exciting rewards. DraftKings is offering a warm welcome to new players with $100 instantly in casino credits with just a $10 wager. 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But with HubSpot's AI powered marketing tools, launching benchmark breaking campaigns is easier than ever. Get started@HubSpot.com marketers I've been seeing this.
- [28:59]
Yasmin
Trend on social media where women are being encouraged to marry a wealthy man, a provider type man, become stay at home wives that live beautiful lives, go to go to Pilates on Tuesday and get Hermes bags and la la la la la. However, I was raised by my mother who said that she didn't care if she sat in a gutter and ate watermelon the rest of her life as long as she was with my dad because she loved him so much. They use hand me down silverware, they have no debt. And her perspective makes a lot of sense to me as well. And I'm just wondering if you could provide some insight into the advice I'm hearing on social media versus what I'm hearing from my mom. Because both of them make a lot of sense to me. I mean, I would love to have an Hermes bag, but I've also seen a lot of really genuine love outside of a wealthy zone as well. So thank you so much. I have a little bit of a cold. I apologize and I hope you have a great rest of your day. Thank you.
- [30:03]
Anna
Oh, it's cold season. I hope you're over this cold by the time you listen to this episode. But I want to say that money is a lot of things, but money is not everything and money can buy happiness but money cannot, in my opinion, buy all happiness. Money can also cause a lot of problems. I think what we're thinking of right now is that what you see on social media is something to be glorified when it's only one way to live. Yes, you can marry a rich man, become a stay at home wife, go to Pilates on a Tuesday and be happy, assuming that that rich man is providing a loving, supportive environment for you outside of just financial security. However, that doesn't negate the fact that there are plenty of people who are not filthy rich, maybe who aren't poor, but who are of average means, who have loving relationships. I think you're thinking about this in a very black and white scenario where it's like, oh, I could either marry a poor guy who loves me and I love him and we're not going to be able to pay the rent and it's going to be tough figuring out how to put food on the table, but we'll have a lot of love. Or I can choose the rich guy who will give me a life of luxury and Hermes bags, but possibly not love me the same way that the poor guy would. And those are my only two options. And there isn't. I don't know what your values are, but when I was dating, I was convinced that I definitely wanted a man who was financially stable and motivated in his career. But I also knew that my desire to find a man who was financially well off did not replace my desire to also find a man who cared about me, who loved me and who I was connected to and had a chemistry with. You can have both. I don't think men are really ever taught to settle when it comes to dating women. They're sort of just taught to better themselves until they get hot enough, rich enough, far enough in their career enough to get the woman they want. And so for you, I hope you know that you can have both. If it's important to you to have Hermes bags and to be a stay at home mom, there are men out there who are willing to provide that for you. But if that's not what you want, then don't marry a man who wants that. Because the other thing is there are women who marry men who really want them to stay at home, and those women don't want to stay at home. And that opens up a whole new can of worms. So I think you have to ask yourself, what kind of relationship do you want? And then once you're done asking yourself and answering that question, you have to be really honest with yourself about the fact that you can get it. Whatever it is, you can get it. There are people out there and couples out there where money is just a means to an end. It's not super important to them. They're fine having just enough to get by and they're happy and everybody is different. There is no one right way to live. But if you want both, a good man who you love, regardless of whether he's broke or rich, but you also want to be taken care of, you can have both. But I also want to mention this because as much time as I spend on telling you all that you deserve the man you want with no compromises, I also want you to get to a place where you feel valuable enough to know that you have something to offer that man when you meet him. Because relationships are not a one way street. It's not just about being cute and being taken care of and sitting around and, you know, just expecting that you deserve the world, but giving nothing in return. When you meet this dream man of yours, whoever he is, in whatever version you've concocted in your mind, you have to be willing to give to him too. Because that is the foundation of a good relationship. It takes two to work. And I think a lot of times in New York when I was dating, I remember seeing all of these men who were fabulously wealthy and were attractive and had everything on paper going for them, but they couldn't settle down. They had plenty of dates, plenty of women always around, but they never knew how to commit because they could just never give themselves over enough to compromise in a relationship and to give a part of themselves to the person they were dating, that was inconvenient. I think when we think about what it means to sacrifice for your partner, I really mean in ways where it's not easy for the partner to do so. I'm not talking about the guy who loves to buy you expensive gifts. Like that's not a sacrifice for him to buy you expensive gifts. If he has disposable income and that's how he likes to show his love, that's his love language is gifts, then that's easy for him. But what if your love language is words of affirmation and he's really uncomfortable giving those words of affirmation if he can figure out a way to then give you what you need, because maybe you don't care about gifts as much, maybe you want words of affirmation, then he's really sacrificing something for you. So think about what you're willing to give a partner, think about what you're willing to bring to the table, so to speak. And then, and only then, can you be confident in knowing that you deserve what you want. Because it's like, you know what? I know what I'm willing to pay to make this relationship work. And if you're not meeting me halfway, then I know I can take what I am and everything that I value elsewhere and somebody else will meet me halfway and maybe even come further than halfway. I am not going to lie, okay? Money is so important in relationships and marriages and families. It is the backbone of everything we do. But the problem is, is that there are plenty of fucked up rich people, okay? I mean, there are no shortage of unhappy marriages where money is no object. And so you have to look at what money does for you rather than just what it is. Sure, it's much easier to smooth over problems and cover problems when you have enough money to distract yourself. But ultimately, at the end of the day, the core of your relationship has to be strong enough to withstand any change in tides of luck. Because just because you marry a rich man now doesn't mean he's going to stay rich, doesn't mean you're not going to run into troubles later down the line financially. And you better believe that you need to know what's going on too, financially. Because you can't just be like, well, he's got it. I'm just going to take a backseat. I'm going to go to Pilates, work on my body, work on my mental health, and just turn a blind eye to everything. You must armor yourself with the knowledge that you are an equal contributor to your household just as much as he is. Even if he is the one out there making the money. You should know what the hell is going on. I know so many people whose lives are forever altered because they put all of their eggs in their husband's basket 30 years ago and just kind of dusted off their hands and was like, I'm not going to deal with the money. I will raise the kids, I will raise the house. I will keep everything unlock. You just have to go out and make the money. But I don't want to see a damn bill. And guess what? You get divorced 30 years later and now you're looking at bills for the first time, and now you're realizing maybe there wasn't as much money in the bank as there was before. Remember that if a life of luxury and fabulous riches and designer bags is what you want, do not feel guilty about that. But also know that with great privilege comes great responsibility. And you should take it upon yourself to make sure that if you have a lot, you are also responsible for keeping it. Never entrust another person, even if he is your husband, with your fate. And to that end too, I want to talk about this whole trad wife movement that you see on social media. I mean, it looks great and trust me, there's a part of me when I'm working and I'm worried about bills and paying what we need to pay to, you know, live our lives, I'm like, that would be so great to do nothing but bake pies all day and play with the dog and hang out with the kids. But it's such a sliver of what their lives actually are, I think. So often men use their money as a ways to control women because what looks like protection and a provider is actually a control freak. And you're never going to know from somebody's Instagram profile or their TikTok videos whether or not they're married to a real provider or a control freak. But you sure as hell don't want to be married to a control freak. Are there couples out there where the husband is making all the money and the wife stays at home and she's the CEO of the household and they have a very equal relationship and they talk about their financial decisions together and they're very equal in that regard? Yeah, of course. But at least in my life, the examples that I see is that most of the time, if the man is making all of the money, the woman has very little say in what that money does for them. It's like, okay, well I want to buy this, I want to buy this bag. Maybe I don't have to ask my husband, but if he doesn't really want me to buy it, I'm not even going to bring up the question. So many women end up not asking for what they want in long term relationships and marriages because they know the answer is no. So rather than get rejected, it's so much easier to make yourself believe you didn't want it to begin with. I had a friend growing up who loved the finer things in life. Nice bags, nice clothes, you know, she was never going to be caught shopping off season. And she was raised in a family that really allowed her to have nice things. And then she married a man who, he doesn't make all of the money, but she very much works part time. He makes the majority of the money they need to sustain their household. And he's pretty Controlling. And it's gotten to the point where they're going to Europe on a vacation and they're going to Italy. And I asked her the other day, I said, you love designer bags. Are you going to buy yourself a bag while you're over there? Or a piece of jewelry, because it's a lot more affordable to buy luxury goods in Europe with that tax refund and everything. And she goes, oh, I don't know. I don't really have my eye on anything. Bullshit. This girl has had a wish list since she knew what that word was. And she goes, you know, I'm really just trying to be less materialistic these days and just, you know, really focusing on the experience. And that's fine, by the way. It's totally fine to change and evolve and appreciate experiences over things. But, girl, you know, when you can smell bullshit from your friends, I was like, oh, he's got you good. You know, he's gonna say no to a fancy purchase, not because you don't have the money. They're doing all right, but because he doesn't want you to spend it in a way that doesn't benefit him. And that's the fine line there. And of course, I didn't say this to her because, look, she's married to the guy. They got a couple kids together, and there's nothing that I can say that would be beneficial in this situation. You have to be careful when you give your friends unsolicited advice. Most of the time, I suggest against it, because unless they're asking for your advice, do not give your opinion. People have to learn things on their own time. And so I didn't give her that piece of advice because I was just like, what are you going to do? This is who he is. This is who you married. And if this is what you need to tell yourself to survive and be happy in this marriage, then that's fine. But for me, I never wanted to marry a man where I thought he would use his money to control me. And I found that he exists. My husband works really hard. He does very well for himself, but I also do very well for myself. And even when I wasn't doing well for myself, it was never like, I make the financial decisions in this family. It was like, hey, I know you're trying to pursue something that's a little bit atypical. I see you. I see the effort you're putting in. I'm going to support that, and we're going to make financial decisions together as a family. And now that I am financially contributing pretty significantly to our family. He's like, whatever. You want to go buy a Chanel bag. Great. I don't understand it, and it's not how I would choose to spend my money if it was just up to me. But it makes you happy, and I'm happy that it makes you happy. And really, in the end, that's just what I want for all of you is to find a man who doesn't see you as purely a vessel for his joy and his life. Almost like you're an ancillary character to his story, but sees your joy as an integral part of his joy. That you being happy, even if it means he's not the main character in why you're happy, is valuable because he truly cares about you and not just what you can do for him.
- [44:54]
Yasmin
Hey, Anna, do you think that the 8020 rule is a good thing? Would you stay with somebody if the connection was great? The person is great. They have all the qualities that you look for in a guy, but they weren't very good in bed the first time. Would that be something that would draw you away from that person? Or is that something that you don't think is very important? It wasn't necessarily bad, but it wasn't in comparison to other partners. It wasn't as good. Is that something that you really put an emphasis on? If everything else is good, communication's great. Person is great. Connection is great.
- [45:40]
Anna
I have so many thoughts on this bitty, and I will let you know all of them after a quick break from my sponsors. This episode is brought to you by Etsy. Oh, hear that? Thank you. Etsy knows these aren't the sounds of holiday gifting. Well, not the ones you're hoping for. You want squeals of delight? Happy tears? How did you. And spontaneously written songs of joy. I am so happy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Um, okay, the song needs a bit of work, but anyway to get those reactions, make sure everyone on your list feels heard with handmade, handpicked and designed gifts from small shops on edge. Gifts like personalized jewelry, custom artwork, cozy style items, vintage pieces, and home decor to celebrate all of your favorite people and their specific kind of special. For original gifts that say I get you, Etsy has it. This episode is brought to you by Skinny Pop Popcorn. Perfectly popped, Endlessly delicious. Oh, so light and crunchy. Skinny Pop Original Popcorn is the snack you've been searching for. Made with just three simple ingredients. Popcorn kernel, sunflower oil, and salt. Snacking never felt or tasted so good. Perfectly popped Endlessly delicious. Give yourself permission to snack and pick up Skinny Pop original popcorn today. Here's a crazy idea. This man is amazing. Connection's there. Communication is there. You're clearly attracted to him in some ways. Why don't you try talking to him about the sex? Because I do believe that not a great first encounter in bed is not at all a deal breaker. It's not the same thing as being like, he was an asshole to me on our first date, but the chemistry is great and we had great sex. Like, is that a deal breaker? Yes. Okay. Being a kind person to you is the bare minimum, but not great sex. I mean, I know so many girlfriends who are like, yeah, the first time with my husband was awkward because he was really nervous. And I think men almost get more nervous sometimes than women when they're having sex because there's this desire to perform, almost. So. So I would just maybe have an honest conversation with him. I don't know how far into the relationship you are. I'm guessing it's very new since you just had sex for the first time. But I would maybe go on a date with him. Go back to one of your places in the privacy of one of your homes, talk to him. Just be like, look, I really like you. I'm really into you. I'm super attracted to you. I thought the sex could have been better. Like, can we maybe work on this? And by the way, even before you do that, I would honestly just have sex with him again. Because, again, it was the first time, so he could have just been really nervous. So have sex with him again, and let's say the second time is still good but not great, then you can teach him. Men can be taught. And women are kind of complicated down there. Men are not. Right? Women are complicated. I don't know what the statistic is, but the majority of women can't orgasm from just penetrative sex. Right? They have to have some sort of stimulus around the clitoris. So there's that. You need to teach him how you like to have sex. Because if you don't tell him, he's not going to know that anything is wrong. Because I guarantee you, even though in the back of your mind you're like, this could be better. You are acting like this is the best sex of your life when you're having sex with him. But there are so many other components to a relationship that harbor a good environment for great sex. And if you have those, I would say the odds are that it's very likely that the sex Will get better. If you are super connected and there's great chemistry, then I think you can have an honest conversation with him if it gets to that point about what you like in bed and what he could be doing better. And maybe he can give you some pointers on what you could be doing better. Nobody is perfect jumping into a relationship and I don't know my thoughts on the 8020 rule. To me, I think rules are kind of silly in general. I think they're more fodder for social media than they are anything else. But I don't think I could have ever married my husband if I wasn't 100% sure that he was it for me. Like if I only 80% liked him or 80% thought we were connected, I just don't know if I would have done it because I had plenty of boyfriends where I was 80% of the way there. And I just realized I can't do this in the end. Or they broke up with me because I was too chicken shit to break up with them. I think you gotta be 100% of the way there. But I think what you're talking about, that 20% is if they're not perfect in every regard, do you just call it quits? No, that's just called dating a human. That's not perfect. Maybe the next guy you date, if you were to stop giving this guy a chance, is great in bed and the sex is amazing. But it's awkward to have a conversation with him at dinner or he's not really where you want to be in life. He's not super stable financially and he has like four roommates and he's kind of a hot mess. Nobody is perfect, but somebody is perfect for you. And I know for me the sex was never that important, which is why I had that rule for myself. If you've listened to my content for a while, is that I never had sex with a guy until we were exclusively boyfriend girlfriend. Not exclusive without labels because that's exclusively boyfriend girlfriend. We would have that conversation. And if he was ready to commit to me as his boyfriend and I was ready to be his girlfriend, then we could have sex. Because then I know at least we've built our emotional connection to a point where we are fostering the highest probability for good sex. I've never really had a great one night stand. And even if I did, it was never just a guy I met at a bar and I talked to for an hour, danced with on the floor and drunkenly made out with him. It was always Like, I remember I had a quote unquote, one night stand with a guy that I met at a music festival. And this was in my 20s and we were both under the influence of substances, but I had spent the last 12 hours with him. So yes, it was technically a one night stand because we never really saw each other again after that because he, he didn't live in town. But when I think about this, because it was one of the very few one night stands I had, it was like, okay, well, I met him at a music festival in Brooklyn in 3:00 in the afternoon. We're both high on molly and we're dancing and we're feeling the music. And we'd probably do that for a couple hours. But then if you guys have ever done this or gone to an EDM concert, you dance for an hour and then you leave and you get water and then you talk outside of the venue. And that's what we did. And we were probably at that music festival for six hours just talking and dancing. And then we left together. And then we went to a bar back in the city when we both got to Manhattan, because he was staying at a hotel there and I lived in Manhattan and we talked some more and then he came back to my place and then we had sex. And at that point, I mean, you spend like 12 hours with somebody, you know them well enough for it to not feel like you're just having sex with a total stranger. And some people can have great sex with a total stranger. I have never been one of those people. I have always needed to feel emotionally connected to them on some level, even as surface level, as I met you 12 hours ago @ an EDM festival to have good sex with you. And so I would really lean into for you whether you feel emotionally connected to him, because if you don't, that might be the problem. And that if that's the real problem, then he's probably not your guy. But if you feel emotionally connected to him, you feel attracted to him, there's chemistry there, and he's just a little bit of a buffoon in the bed. I mean, men can be taught, okay? They're like puppies. You gotta train them. So you can teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach an old dog new tricks if you refuse to even try. I also think in general, we put way too much emphasis on sexual chemistry when we're dating without realizing that once you get married, and presumably married for decades, which I think is the goal for all of us, sex becomes so much less important, as opposed to everything else that you've built together. I mean, nobody I know who's married, including myself and my husband, nobody has crazy sex anymore the way they did when they first started dating. That's just the name of the game. But it doesn't mean that you love each other any less. In fact, I love my husband more now than I did when we first met, even though we were having a lot more sex in the beginning. It's just, you realize that a healthy relationship and a marriage is comprised of so much more than just sex. But sex is such a hot topic on social media because I think it's fun to talk about. It's a little bit taboo, and it has all the makings of a topic that goes viral time and time again because people have so many opinions on the subject. And the end of the day, if it's gonna work out, you're gonna figure out the sex part. Like, I just believe in that. I always trusted that if I really felt emotionally connected with the guy that we would figure out the sex part, and we always did. I never subscribed to the theory, oh, you can have an amazing chemistry and connection with this guy and date him for two months and then you get into bed and you realize that he's awful in bed and he can't be helped and you have to break up because the sex is awful. I mean, I just don't really know anybody that has been in that situation. I know that's anecdotal, I'm sure it's been out there. But for me personally, I do think that for women, for the most part, sex is an emotional experience. And if you develop a connection and you foster that chemistry between you two before you have sex, you will end up having great sex because the trust was there. And you can't foster intimacy without trust.
- [56:47]
Yasmin
Hey, Anna, my name is Yasmin and my question for you is. I just got out of a two year relationship two months ago and the last few weeks have probably been the hardest for me emotionally. And I naturally met somebody at work and was texting for a little bit. And we have been on out three dates and I really like him, he's a great guy. But I am still mourning that relationship. Do you think the best in this case is to try to keep a friendship until I'm fully ready and fully healed or it is a great person. Should I just slowly get to know them and see where it goes, or should I just completely cut it off because I'm just not in that space yet, or I shouldn't be still mourning a relationship while trying to get to know someone. What would you do in this situation?
- [57:59]
Anna
I think you really have to think about how you would feel if you were this guy at work that you were dating, because presumably he has no idea how you're really feeling right now. So he's going into it with an open heart, and I'm sure he really likes you, and you've been on a couple dates and it's been great. But you told me yourself you are still in mourning. And I don't think that you necessarily have to take a break from dating after you've gone through a breakup if you feel emotionally whole again to give yourself to somebody else. Everybody goes into a new relationship with baggage. I'm not saying you have to be this amazingly healed, fully actualized person to go and date your coworker, But I am saying that you need to be fair to him. And if you really think that you're not ready for a new relationship because there's a part of you that would go back to your ex if he came back, then you need to be honest with him about that. And it might hurt a little, but I can assure you it's going to hurt a lot less now after three dates than it would three months in. And you realize this is getting really serious and I'm not ready for this. And to that point, it's like, how do you know when you're ready to date again? I think you know when you're ready to date again if you think about your ex and you wouldn't go back to him if given the opportunity. Maybe that's a question you ask yourself. And if the answer is always yes, if given the choice to go back to my ex or explore this new relationship, I would still go back to my ex. Then you have your answer. You really shouldn't be dating him. And I don't even know if you necessarily need to be friends with him, because I think it's actually really difficult to go back to being friends with somebody where you established a romantic interest in the first place. Maybe it's just, hey, I really like you. I realize we work together and we have to see each other, but I gotta be honest with you. I'm just not ready to date anybody seriously. And before this goes any further, I just want to let you know that I'm happy to hang out as friends and stay in touch, but I don't want to lead you on because I need to do some internal work first and get over my ex. And I don't want to be unfair to you because I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I was really into you, I wouldn't want to feel like the other woman in a relationship. So I think you kind of know your answer, because if you're asking me, you're likely just feeling very conflicted about it, and I want you to not feel conflicted. I think generally when we feel conflicted and we go to others for advice, it's because we know the answer. It's just the inconvenient answer. And right now, the inconvenient answer is just to go tell this new guy, hey, I've really loved hanging out with you, and it's been a welcome distraction to me because I've been heartbroken over my ex. But I can't keep seeing you without being honest with you. And maybe he's willing to be like, hey, I get it, okay? But I still want to date you. I don't want to just pretend to be friends. I'm willing to wait and see if you'll come around. Maybe he will say that. Maybe he's like, hey, I understand. I can't do this. You know. You know where to find me. I want to give you your space. And until then, we'll just go back to being co workers. We'll try and be immature about this as possible, but that's the inconvenient choice, because the convenient choice would just to be, I'm just gonna continue the path I've been on, and we'll just keep texting and going on dates, and I'm just gonna hope for the best. And that's the inertia move. That's the move where I don't have to take action and confront him and what's going on right now. So I think right now you have to make the tough decision, and you have to tell him really what's going on with you. And, look, you might find after you talk to him that that was almost the permission you needed to give yourself to move on was to openly acknowledge that you're in mourning to get his reaction and then realize, wait a second. I don't actually care about my ex as much as I thought. Maybe it was just something I needed to get out. And now that it's out there in the open, I actually really like my coworker, and I'm willing to now dive headfirst into this relationship and see where it goes. Breakups are so funny because you think you're never going to get over this heartbreak. You think that the love you lost was irreplaceable. And then sooner than any of us ever think, we're gonna heal. We heal. That's how I felt with every breakup. It was like the world was ending. And then all of a sudden a month later, I was like, oh crap. That was just some fucked up shit happening in my brain. Like, everything's fine. There's hope. So it might take you far less time to get over your ex and more than you think, but I think you're gonna free both yourself and you're gonna free him by being honest with him. And then, and only then, can you see if you're really ready to move on. That's all for today. Bitty. Thanks so much for tuning in. You can leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's episode of Brutally Anna by going to speakpipe.com brutally annapodcast and leaving me a voicemail straight off of your phone like you're calling me. That's speakpipe.com brutally annapodcast and if you enjoy this podcast, please consider reviewing rating on Apple Podcasts. Every little bit helps. Thank you so much and I'll talk to you guys next week. How do you feel when you switch to Geico and save on your car insurance? 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