← Brutally Anna
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- [00:00]
Anna Kai
Dear old work platform. It's not you, it's us. Actually, it is you. Endless onboarding, constant IT bottlenecks. We've had enough. We need a platform that just gets us. And to be honest, we've met someone new. They're called Monday.com and it was love at first onboarding. Their beautiful dashboards, their customizable workflows got us floating on a digital cloud nine. So no hard feelings, but we're moving on Monday.com, the first work platform you'll love to use. Hello. Hello. Welcome back to this week's solo episode of Brutally Anna. I'm your host, Anna Kai. I hope this episode finds you doing well, but as always, if it doesn't find you doing well, I hope it finds you at least trying to be a little bit better. And I am fresh off of a flight from Mexico City. If you guys haven't been following along on stories, I was there for the last 48 hours with benefit Cosmetics celebrating the launch of their new Bounce mascara. It was such a time I almost forgot my life was packed up in boxes and a complete wreck until I got home today after the flight and I saw just everything in piles everywhere. And before we get back to my move, honestly, I'm like tired of talking about moving and thinking about moving because other than making content and recording this podcast, all I do is organize, organize and unbox. So we're going to talk about airplanes. Because guys, if you are afraid of something, it could be something as simple as, oh, I'm afraid of insects or I'm afraid of flying, or as big as I'm afraid of rejection, I am afraid of getting hurt. Again, exposure therapy works. I am living proof of that. I don't know what clicked this trip, but for anybody who knows me in real life, you know that I have a terrible fear of flying. And I attribute it to not having flown enough as a child. The first time I flew, I was 16 years old and it was a 14 and a half hour flight to China and nobody told my 16 year old ass that turbulence was normal. So every time we experienced turbulence, in my head I was saying a prayer and telling my parents I love them, but externally trying not to freak out because I noticed everybody else around me wasn't freaking out. So, you know, I didn't want to be that bitch, even though I was that bitch in my head. And over the last 20 years, I know theoretically that turbulence is not something to be afraid of. But that doesn't mean I actually know that. And I haven't flown very much because I've been very stationary for most of my 20s. Flying is expensive, guys. Like, I wasn't taking a ton of vacations when I was in my 20s and I certainly didn't have a job that allowed me to travel. So I didn't have a lot of opportunities to fly. So when I flew it was scary as hell. It was so bad that most of the time when I was getting on a flight, I would always say to myself, you know, is this girl's trip or is this bachelorette party or is this work trip worth dying over? Like, these are the things that I would think about before getting on a flight. Because when you're that deathly afraid of flying because you feel like it's going to lead you to a fiery death, you think completely irrational, unhelpful things. And I know that flying is the safest mode of transportation and you're so much more likely to die in a car. But like, I am a control freak and the fact that I am not piloting the plane is good news to everybody, but it also makes me feel very, very insecure about the state of my being in this giant metal box in the sky. And so two and a half years ago when I started doing this job and I started having to travel, I would honestly just freak out for every flight. And my friends, well intentioned they may be, they would be like, oh, like I have a Xanax prescription, do you want some? And I'd be like, no. Because the first time I take drugs that are not my own should not be on a flight. Like God forbid I have a terrible reaction to Xanax and I have an even bigger panic attack or some weird side effect in the air. So I never wanted to take drugs. So I would just white knuckle every flight. Didn't mean I didn't want to go to these places. Especially brand trips are just such incredible experiences to go on. They are every bit as glamorous as they look. From my socials, the amount of planning and work that goes into every one of these trips is incredible. There are so many people behind the scenes that you don't see making these massive events happen. So I'd want to go to the events, but I wouldn't want to get on a flight. But I would inevitably have to get on a flight because you just can't like rowboat your way to Paris or you know, Sonoma or Mexico. And I've just sort of gotten used to being scared. Honestly, it's gotten slowly better over time. But there wasn't ever a point where I got comfortable with flying. It was just sort of a necessary evil for me until this trip. I don't know what it was exactly, but if I had to guess, it was some combination of exposure therapy, AKA having to fly a lot over the last couple years for work, and me being on Zoloft for long enough that something in my brain just clicked. And every time we hit turbulence, I wasn't freaked out. In fact, I remember a close friend of mine who loves to travel. And every second her and her husband get, they're off to Europe or off to Asia and they have two kids and they will bring those kids with them on a flight. Honey, nothing is worse to me than bringing two children under the age of two on an international flight. That is literally my worst nightmare. But she loves to travel and she manages it with so much grace. And I remember talking to her about it and being like, I'm so afraid of turbulence. Like, you know, if the flight didn't have turbulence, I'd be so much better. But almost every flight does have turbulence. And she said to me a few years ago, she's like, honestly, I kind of like turbulence. It sort of rocks me to sleep. And I just said to her, bitch, are you crazy? Every time turbulence happens, I feel like I'm gonna die. But this time, maybe I was just that exhausted from this whole moving process that every time we hit turbulence, I was like, oh, this is kind of nice. It's like being in the back of your parents car when you were a kid and having that lull you to sleep. That's what that felt like. So I'm hoping I've turned a new leaf with this whole flying thing. But similarly to me running a marathon, which I think I talked about a few episodes back, which was equally an improbable event in my life, Getting over my fear of flying was something that I just never thought I would get over. I always just sort of figured that I would tolerate it enough to do it, but I would always be somewhat afraid of it. And this trip was truly a tipping point. I don't know, maybe it's like I've spent 10,000 hours or whatever the magic number is doing it at this point that I'm no longer afraid of flying and knocking on all the wood. I hope it doesn't come back, but I'm really happy with myself. And I feel like if you have some sort of fear that is stopping you from living life in any sort of way, maybe the thing to do is just to dive into it, is just to go head first. If that's dating, that means you need to go on more dates. And maybe the first 10 dates, 20 dates, 30 dates, are going to be really uncomfortable and you're going to be scared and you're not going to like it, but you're going to hit that one date where you're like, wait a second, I can do this. I don't care what he thinks of me. All I really care about is what I think of him. Because when you think about fears and all of our insecurities and paranoias, they're all sort of related, right? Like for me, my fear of flying is just as irrational as my fear of never being able to meet a guy who wanted to marry me in my 20s. Like none of it was really rooted in any truth other than my fear of the unknown and my ability to catastrophize. Like I was getting paid for it. So whatever your fear is this week, think about it. Challenge yourself to go face it head on. I also have an irrational fear of insects, which I gotta say, I'm really not keen to take my own advice on this because like, I don't know what the exposure therapy with that is like maybe letting a spider crawl over me, but like, I really don't want to do that. And that to me is like something that is not debilitating enough and it doesn't affect my day to day life to the point where I'm like okay with being afraid of it. So if it's something small like that, I'm giving you a free pass. But like, if you're afraid of flying like me, girl, exposure therapy works. Get your ass on a flight, say yes. Go up in the air, feel the shaky bakeys and know that it's going to be okay. Do I like flying? Not really. To be honest, my favorite flights are the long haul international flights where I get a lay flat bed. Like that's kind of a nice experience to me because it feels like your own little hotel suite in the sky and you're kind of unplugged from the world and it's just a very relaxing experience. But the general concept of flying is just sort of a pain in the ass to me. So I still don't like flying, but I am no longer afraid of it. However, what I still fear is getting stuck in a window seat. I have the bladder of literally a baby bird and if I am going to stay hydrated the way I want to stay hydrated on a long four or five hour flight. I'm probably going to the bathroom four times during that flight. And so being in the window seat means I have to ask the person in the aisle seat for four or five times. So basically once an hour to please get up so that I can wee wee. And, you know, thankfully on most of these trips that I go on for work, they ask me what my preference is and I always say window seat. But occasionally you don't have a choice because the flight's almost all booked up. And so sometimes I get stuck in a window seat and I have to be a. A big girl and pretend like I have a big bladder. And so I'm just kind of uncomfortable the whole ride. I don't know if anybody else feels like this. Like, I feel like my husband Dave can literally go an entire six hour flight without using the bathroom. And like, I just, I cannot. I would literally have to be a raisin in the sun for a day before the flight in order for that to happen. But, you know, we like to stay hydrated. We like the skin to be juicy and moisturized, and so therefore we drink a lot of water. Who's we really? Just me, myself and I. I guess this is just to say that if you ever get stuck sitting next to me and you're in the aisle seat and I'm in the window seat, I apologize beforehand. But it's probably in your best interest as long as you're not peeing like a racehorse all the time too. It's probably in your best interest to switch seats with me. What about you guys? Are you window seat bitties or are you aisle seat bitties? Because I have friends who are like window seat all the way because they don't need to pee that much and they love having that extra wall to lean against, which I totally get. And you know, they have control over the shade too, which I guess is sort of nice, except when you get 35,000ft in the air, everything looks the same anyway, so there's not really a view. But yeah, I am aisle seat all the way. The aisle seat to me is freedom. And in this house, we appreciate freedom more than we appreciate the comfort of a window seat. So, travel aside, Dave and I watched the Avicii documentary last weekend on Netflix called I'm Tim highly recommend it if you guys are looking for something to watch this weekend. I was, and I still am a very big EDM music fan. And I attribute that to going to nyu. And we didn't really have frat parties, we went to raves. And clubs and music festivals. And I was pretty lucky in the sense that when I started college, that was when the whole EDM genre was really starting to become very mainstream. In fact, I didn't know this. Avicii was only a year older than me. He was born in 89, I was born in 90. So I remember when DJs started to become musicians and celebrities and well known in their own right, and that was a really cool thing. I also did a lot of illegal drugs that I don't recommend anybody doing. But let's just say thank God fentanyl was not a thing when I was in college, because, my God, that would have been really bad. And I don't mean to joke about that, but, like, seriously, guys, do not do drugs, okay? I really did some stupid in my 20s, and I am lucky as all hell to be alive. But look, when you're 21, you feel invincible and your friends are all doing this little blue pill that makes you really happy, and you feel the music, like, literally in your bones. And so you're like, I can do it, too. And so I did that, and it was fun. And I'm very lucky that I lived to tell the tale. But there was a certain freedom, I remember thinking, in my 20s, because now I am sober and I think about if I'm taking too much Advil and if that's hard on my liver. So even though I am making much wiser decisions these days and my frontal lobe has come into play in my life, there's just a freedom. And being in your 20s and feeling like nothing can take you down. And that was a privilege for me, and I fully took advantage of it. And Ivichi and Diplo and Kygo and Skrillex and all these amazing DJs were coming up, and it was so much fun. But Avicii is sort of in a league of his own, in the sense that he revolutionized the sounds that he was making. I mean, when he pivoted into country music, and I swear I'm going somewhere with this, guys, I'm not just talking about my love of EDM music and, like, my past druggie phase. I'm. I'm tying this into something that I think will be helpful for you. But when he pivoted to country house music, nobody else had ever done that. And you all have heard the song Wake Me up, that is, to this day, his most successful song, which I was actually surprised to hear, because for those of you who know his discography levels was his first really, really big hit. And that has a very different sound than his later albums, which really trended towards rock, country, sort of bluegrassy sounds. But it's interesting, I didn't know this. He played Ultra in 2016, I believe, and he decided to experiment with a live band for the first time. So he went through his normal set where he played levels and all this sort of traditional quote unquote house music that was in his normal repertoire. And then he was like, I'm going to shut down the show. Just stop the music and bring out all these live guests. And Alo Black, who is the singer on Wake Me up, came out and all these like live instrumentalists. And he really wanted to make it a performance. And in theory, this sounds amazing, right? You're at Ultra Music Festival, one of the biggest music festivals in the world, and Avicii, one of the biggest DJs of that time, is gonna come out and bring live musicians on the stage. Except it fel entirely flat. There's footage from that set and it's so awkward to watch because just think about all of these 20 something year olds doing God knows what, just hoping for levels. And all of a sudden Aloe Black and like a violinist comes out and it's like country music and they're just like totally thrown off. The vibe is just not there. And he talks about how he's so crushed after this because he put his heart and soul into creating this set. And they did multiple songs, you know, they did hey Brother, which also became a huge hit off of that album, but it was just so bad. And it was just going viral on Twitter, how badly? It was like people were just trashing the second half of his set. They were like, oh, you know, Avicii sucked. Like, the first half of a set was Avicii, the second half was like God knows what. And when you look at that footage, it is really awkward and you're like, damn, how the hell did he turn that around? But then eventually it started to get airplay on the radio and it's Wake Me up is such a good song that it's almost just like entirely impossible to ignore how catchy it is. And over time, people started to hear it and they're like, hey, wait, this isn't that bad. And you know, they listen to it in their cars rather than high at a music festival expecting, you know, pre country Avicii. And it became one of his greatest hits. And as I'm watching the story on this doc, I'm just thinking about all of the times where I felt like I was A failure at the job I was doing because I wasn't in the right environment. Maybe the problem with Avicii revealing his new sound wasn't so much the fact that it shouldn't have been live. It just maybe should not have been at Ultra. And you really have to find people who appreciate what you have to offer in the right setting. I remember one of my first jobs out of college was I was a personal assistant for a professor at Columbia. She lived on the Upper west side. She was quite wealthy, and I just did her bitch work for her, for lack of a better term. Like, I remember I spent one afternoon trying to figure out who could remove this tree that was growing in her courtyard because she lived in a townhouse on the Upper west side. So she had an outdoor space, and there was a tree in the middle of this courtyard. And she was like, I don't want it there. But it's like, you can't just like, cut it down and like, haul it out. You're in the middle of the city. And so she's like, can you research what permits I would have to pull and how I would get this tree down and who would do it and how much it would cost? And I just remember failing so hard at it, I was like, I don't know, like, how to do this. Do I call the city? Do we call a tree guy? Like, what do you want me to do? And eventually, I don't think I got fired. I honestly can't remember what happened. It might have been like a mutual parting. I was just so bad at that job. You know, she would ask me to prepare her expense report for her accountant because she was an independent contractor. And so she would have, you know, a, a profit and loss sheet. And she's like, oh, can you input all of my business expenses and all the receipts and organize them and then give them to my accountant? And it's actually crazy to me now that she entrusted this random 22 year old with all of this information, like very sensitive information, into her business. But whatever. I mean, she did. And I was also really bad at that. I was just so bad at that job. And I remember leaving that job thinking, holy shit, how am I ever going to be employable? I couldn't even be somebody's assistant. And that wasn't the right line of thinking because, no, I couldn't be somebody's assistant. But it wasn't. I couldn't even be somebody's assistant is I was not meant to be somebody's assistant. So if you're in a position right now where you're in a job that you feel like you suck at, or you're doing something that you're not very good at, or you're in a relationship that constantly makes you feel like you're not good enough. Oftentimes the problem is not you. The problem is your environment. Go where you are wanted. Maybe that's my message of today's podcast, is you have no idea how talented you are and you will never know if you continue to spend your time with people who only see what you are not talented at. Not all of us are good at everything. In fact, most of us suck at a few things and are really good at a few things and are like mediocre at a lot of other things. But if you keep doing the things you suck at and you're not meant to continue to do, you're gonna feel like a failure forever. And I think when I was watching that Avicii doc, I was like, oh my God, thank God he still released Wake Me up and hey Brother and all those amazing songs that came off of that album on TR because it truly revolutionized EDM music. I listened to so many DJs and artists that I think are influenced by Avicii and what he did for the genre of EDM and house music. There is this new duo I love called Maps, but it's spelled M A A P S. And part of what I love about their sound is that they are folksy EDM and I don't want to speak for them. I don't know if they were influenced by Avicii, but I certainly feel like there are some similarities there. They do have their own unique sound. It's not like they're copying Avicii, but again, it's like we wouldn't have this whole genre of country folk EDM without him. I think we can all agree that he was a pioneer in that regard. And I think about this with my own life. It's like I was an influencer. I was trying to be an influencer for so long prior to going viral and I was trying to be a fashion influencer and a home decor influencer and none of it worked. I wasn't very good at it and I think if I had stopped there, I just would have been like, well, I'm a failed influencer. But I just kind of kept going and now it's my full time job and it helped pay for this amazing house that we are lucky enough to be completely just exhausted by right now. And so what talents are hidden within you that have yet to come out because you are too busy trying to get good at what you're never meant to be proficient in. Just think about that. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. And you won't know now either. But I just have to say is if you don't like what you're doing with your life and you don't feel like you're good at it, maybe it's just because you're meant to be so much better at something else. If you feel like you're not in the right relationship and that you're not being valued as a partner, it just means you are meant to be valued by somebody else. That somebody else is going to see everything you're worth and you're not going to have to make them see it, they're just going to see it. One day you're going to have a boss that just understands how gifted and how talented of an employee you are. And if that's not your current boss, then you should figure out what moves you need to make to get to that point where you are appreciated and you are able to give the world what you have to the fullest extent. And so often what people are going to find valuable about you is something that you don't even realize is valuable. I think about this all the time when it comes to creativity, creating content, because, you know, I have a set sort of formula with my reels and my tick tocks. But when I get onto stories, the stuff that people engage with and they message me about the most, isn't the glitz and the glam of, you know, maybe a brand trip or a fashion week event or just something just so spectacular that it's out of the norm now. You want to know what my most engaging piece of content on Stories was over the last few weeks? Me talking about shopping for toilets. I shit you not. Pun intended. Hahaha. Yeah, I think we're gonna replace the toilet in our master bathroom because we tried to get a plumber to fix it and there's something wrong with the handle. It's just old and it runs and there's not enough water in it. And it's just, it's just time, you know, we were like, we tried to fix it, we just gotta let it go. So while I was in Mexico, I had some downtime and I was like, let me just research some toilets so that when I go home I'll just like pull the trigger and buy a toilet and we'll have our plumber install it. And oh, my God, there are so many different types of toilets. And toilets can get so expensive, and there is so much tech in these expensive toilets. Like, there was a $14,000 toilet. Unless you think that that is the most expensive toilet you can buy, oh, ho, ho, you are sadly mistaken. The most expensive toilet you can buy is $34,000. I didn't look into it because at a certain point it's like, you know, when you see like, a $30 million house, you're like, that's so beyond what I'm able to pay for this that it doesn't even, like, compute. Like, I don't even want to look at it because it's just, like, so far from the realm of my reality. Like, buying a $34,000 toilet is so far from the realm of where we are in life right now that I was like, I don't even want to know the features because it's just never going to be a factor in my life. But I have heard from some of you that at least the $14,000 one, which I guess is kind of reasonable compared to the $34,000 one, is very techie in the sense that, like, the lid senses when you come close. So, like, auto opens and closes. It's heated, it's self cleaning. It, like, doesn't clog. I don't know. There's. There's all these features now. I'm honestly just like, we just need like, a normal toilet. Like, too much tech freaks out. Also, it's like, what happens if the power goes out? And like, all of a sudden, like, I can't get the seat to go up. And I. I don't know. I don't know. But the point being is that a lot of you had opinions on toilets, and you also told me your horror stories about buying toilets. And apparently this is something that a lot of people struggle with because we are spoiled for choice in this country with not only toilets, but a lot of things. And so you know what will happen to me? And maybe this is like my undiagnosed ADD or something, but I will become overwhelmed with the choice of having to, say, purchase a toilet. So I decide I'm not going to make a decision on a toilet right now. Let me move on to something that's like a little bit of an easier lift. Let me go look at bathroom trash cans, because I'm trying to find a bigger trash can for our bathroom. But it has to be really slim because it has to fit in between the toilet Toilet in the wall, but it has to be pretty tall. So I was like, I'm gonna go find a bathroom trash can. It's not gonna be that much money. We're just gonna commit to that, right? We'll solve one problem. If it's not gonna be the toilet. I couldn't find a damn trash can, okay? Because every trash can, if it was big enough, it was, like, too wide. It wasn't gonna fit in that space. And then I couldn't decide if I wanted a lid on the trash can or not. Cuz, like, Like. Okay, well, on the one hand, it would be kind of nice to have a lid on my bathroom trash can. On the other hand, I'd be like, that's kind of weird because it, like, kind of traps all the smells in there. Like, it would kind of be annoying. Like, you know when you're like, that time of the month and you're changing out your menstrual disc or your tampon to have to, like, deal with a lid? I'm just like, the path of least resistance, honestly, with a bathroom trash can. So I think we're gonna go lidless, at least in our personal one. Because, you know, guests don't use that bathroom. So it's okay if you see the trash in there. It's our trash anyways. We're gonna go lidless. But I couldn't find a trash can that I liked because then I was like, oh, but I want a cute trash can. I want an aesthetic trash can. And so I didn't end up buying a bathroom trash can either. So, like, an hour later, after researching toilets and bathroom trash cans, I am just more confused and have made a decision on neither. And I also think this is because I'm severely underslept. So perhaps tomorrow, after I've had a full night's sleep and I don't have to get on a flight, I will approach these two situations with a clear head and actually be able to make decisions. But these are issues that when I talk about them on social media, that's what people respond to, which is shocking because I always thought you had to be, like, super interesting and super different and live this wild, crazy, unique life. But the stuff that you guys want to talk to me about is how you struggle to find a toilet too. So just realize that whatever your talents are, you're likely already using them in some way. You just don't realize that they're talents. You're taking them for granted. My ability to talk about toilets and my frustration with them is apparently one of the most engaging aspects of my content. On stories at least. So what's your bathroom toilet talent, huh? Go figure it out. Go try. All right. And just realize that one day you're gonna be like, oh, I was actually really shitty at that job. Or that was actually a really crappy relationship and he didn't appreciate me. But thank God, because if I wasn't shitty at that job, I wouldn't be doing the job I have now. And I love my job. Now. We're going to get into some of your voicemails this week, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. New year, New budget. Whether it's groceries, home essentials, or a weekend getaway, make sure you're getting cash back on every purchase. When you use Ibiza Ibotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop. You can earn on hundreds of items from groceries to toys to tech. The average ibotta user earns $256 per year. 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When you register, just go to the app Google Play store and Download the free iBotta app to start earning cash back and use code Brutally Anna that's I b o t t A in the Google Play or app store and use code Brutally Anna.
- [34:30]
Rachel
Hi Anna, my name is Rachel and I need some help and advice on confidence in general and just kind of self image as well because I'm having a lot of trouble with my career, my own practice and just my love life. So I am a Chinese adoptee American and I grew up in a white family, grew up in a white neighborhood, very few Asians around in the community and I had no Asian Role models as well. So all that kind of plays in a role with things. And kids are gonna be kids. They're gonna make fun of people who are different. And even sometimes at one point, people are like, oh, I forget that you're Asian. You're just kind of like white to us. That's also very dismissive as well. But not only peers, but my own father, he was very sexist and racist, so he believed women had roles and they have to look pretty and skinny. And he called me China Doll when I was younger and then even just said stupid stuff like, oh, if we didn't save you from China, you've been working, would have been working in rice paddies right now. So on top of that layered of all I can fit into this minute and 30 seconds, it just seems that I'm having trouble being confident in my own business and practice. Being a doctor, having authority there, and also with my love life, I feel like that's all just messed up. So. I love your content. I can't wait to hear from you. Thank you so much. You're like the biggest sister I never had.
- [35:59]
Anna Kai
Rachel, my Betty, your story is just a. A classic example of why just because you have a family member or a friend or a partner that is a minority, it does not make you not a racist bigot. I am so sorry your own father has said those things to you. Those are likely where your issues and your feelings come from. We're all just here as adults trying to undo the shit we learned as kids. And as a fellow Asian American girl who grew up in a very white area with very few Asian role models, I feel this so hardcore. I feel your pain. And I just have to say that for me, finding a community of women who look like me saved me. It was not until I went to NYU at 18 that I realized that being Asian wasn't weird. It was just a different race. Because I was finally surrounded by other Asian American girls who grew up with immigrant parents who had smelly lunches, but realized that the smelly lunches tasted better than the non smelly ones. Because what the fuck is a lunchable anyways? Okay. You are clearly very intelligent and you're driven and you're motivated and you are a doctor and you have a practice. And so you've come this far externally, that is an achievement in and of itself. What you have to do now is do the work internally. I know that you may feel like your career and your love life is in shambles, but the fact that you're even able to Kind of step outside of yourself and realize that maybe where your issues are coming from is not actually the job or the love life in its current tense. It's what everybody said to you in the past tense that's affecting you. That means you are so much farther along on the journey to becoming the confident, badass bitty that I know you are and you know you are than so many other people. But what are some actionable steps you can take to feeling better about your life, to not feeling like you're a white woman trapped in an Asian American woman's body? I think what the first thing you should do is what are you really good at at your job? I don't know what kind of medicine you practice, but like, what are you really good at? You know you're good at something. I don't know if it's like performing open heart surgery, I don't know if it's relating to the patients you have. But think about the parts of your day that make you feel the most fulfilled, that sort of make you feel like the most useful to society and really lean into that. Because I think it's so important for everybody but women in particular to feel like they are contributing members of society and have more to offer than just who wants them, essentially. So that's the first step is really lean into what you are good at. Maybe go get better at it and become the best you can be. Because as soon as you start to get really good at certain aspects of your job, you're gonna realize that that insecurity and that inability to take authority in situations that you know people are looking to you for authority on, that's going to slowly fade away. But you need to be specific with yourself. You know, I think there's a lot of generalization right now. It's like, oh, you know, I don't feel like I'm a great doctor and I don't feel like I'm able to take authority. Well, those are sweeping generalizations and you're making them across your entire career. But I think if you go very granular, you're going to realize that there are aspects of your job that you're really fucking good at. So keep reminding yourself of that. And over time, you're going to have to remind yourself less and you're going to start to feel better about your job because your patients come to you for what you have to offer. Unique of other physicians. So that's the first step. The second step is you need to find a community. And that is probably going to Be a little bit more difficult depending on where you are. If you are not located somewhere that has a vibrant Asian American culture and like minded people around you, it's going to be tough. But like what I said earlier, what really helped me really embrace my Asian American identity was not hanging out with more white people. No shade to white people, okay? And like first of all, my girlfriends from high school, my OG bitties, the majority of them are white, they're very open minded and they are still some of my best friends to this day. But through no fault of their own, they were never going to give me that sense of community and home I would later feel at NYU because they didn't have the same lived experience as I did growing up of having immigrant parents and specifically Asian immigrant parents. And I just remember one of the first parties I went to at NYU which is very, very Asian. The whole party was just straight up Asian American kids. Everybody was American, but everybody had parents who were immigrants. And I just, it was this feeling of home that just washed over me that like I didn't have to explain myself for once and I just felt so at peace. And I want you to find that. And if you can't find it physically around you, maybe where you start is by consuming Asian American literature and media. Go listen to what Asian American women have had to say about their lived experiences. It will make you feel less alone, it will validate your life. And over time, the more you realize that what you're feeling is not unique. And I don't mean to say that in a disparaging way. I mean to say that your experience with discrimination and feeling sort of othered by the community and your family in which you grew up in is actually something a lot of people of color face. And I think over time when you realize that you are not alone, that's also going to give you confidence to deal with the people that maybe they don't mean to, but they still make you feel alone. I don't know if your father is trying to maliciously hurt you. I, I would certainly hope not. But people say the dumbest shit sometimes with the best of intentions. I remember, I think it was like probably, I don't know, five or six years ago at this point, Dave and I were considering moving to Connecticut because his job was out here and the commute between New York City and Connecticut was getting very long. And this was pre pandemic. I mean the pandemic really forced us to come out here. But I had lived in the city for almost a decade and I'd really gotten used to the culture and the diversity in the city. And I remember feeling quite nervous, right? Like, what's Connecticut gonna be like, Right? Because, like, nobody thinks of Connecticut and they think of diversity, right? So I remember expressing this to an acquaintance of mine, and she said, oh, don't be silly, Anna. Like, everyone's Asian. You don't have to worry about that. Like, everyone's Asian. You know, no one's going to care that you're Asian. Everyone's Asian. And I just remember thinking, oh, my God. Like, you. You're trying, but you're so misinformed because it was so dismissive. And I think that's what a lot of people who are not minorities or any sort of, you know, underprivileged background, they don't get that. They don't get that. When somebody tells you, I don't feel like I belong, the correct response is not, oh, but of course you do. Don't be silly. It's all in your head. The correct response is, I'm really sorry. And even if I don't understand and I can't empathize, I respect the fact that you don't feel like you belong, and maybe you could tell me a little bit more about that. So I think you need to find people who understand your lived experience. And if it's not your family, I would say just limit your time with them right now. You're on this journey right now to try to figure out how you can make your internal life as vibrant and successful as your external wife. You actually kind of sound like you have your shit together, to be honest. Like, you sound single. But, like, being single doesn't mean you don't have your shit together. Just a lot of the time means you haven't met the right person yet. But when you meet the right person, what I hope you don't do is apologize for who you are. Because by the time I met Dave, I was so secure in who I was in my Asian American identity and what I wanted my life to look like, that I never felt the need to apologize for who I was. Even though who I was was somewhat unconventional and not traditional, comparably to maybe some of the other women that he had dated. But it took so long to get there. It took me nearly a decade, post college or post high school. Sorry, post high school, in college, in my early 20s to mid-20s to late 20s, to finally get to a point where I was just happy with who I was. And if somebody didn't like that, honestly, I was like, you can go fuck yourself. I don't need you in my life. And to this day, I still feel like that. I still get really off color comments from people sometimes. And it's not that they don't affect me, it's just that I don't care. I get angry, I get a little frustrated. I'm like, I can't believe this person said this to me. But, you know, then I'm like, in the words of Mel Robbins, if you guys listened to my amazing guest earlier this week, let them. Okay. But similarly to what I was saying about Avicii and his first foray into that country sound with his song Wake Me up, you need to find the community of people around you who are going to appreciate you for who you are. Because if you keep hanging out with people who are never going to understand you as an Asian American adopted woman, you're going to continuously feel like you don't belong. And then you're going to bring that into your next relationship or when you date, and you're going to be constantly seeking that validation from somebody else. So go find your community. Figure out what it is that makes you feel like you belong. Figure out what it is that makes you feel like you are valuable and you're good at your job. And it's going to take time, but I have full faith that you will get there. That's all for this week's solo episode. Bitties My eyes are half shut. I've gotten a total of six hours of sleep over the last two nights, so it is Bon Nui. Good night from me. And as always, if you enjoyed this episode, please consider rating. Leaving me a review on Apple Podcasts and subscribing all of your support does not go unnoticed. Thank you so much. And as always, if you want to leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's solo episode, you can do so@speakpipe.com brutallyanna podcast that's speakpipe.com brutallyanapodcast.