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Brutally Anna
Solo Episode: The art of being alone at the holidays and how long does it actually take to get over a breakup
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Anna Kai
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. This episode is brought to you by Disney's Mufasa the Lion King. Get tickets now for the ultimate family holiday movie experience. Reunite with the characters you know and the untold story you'd never expect. Witness Mufasa's rise from orphan to king and see how the legendary villain Scar got his name. Disney's Mufasa the Lion King in theaters everywhere this Friday. The kingdom awaits. Welcome to Brutally Anna, a podcast about finding love, losing love, and all the things we think about but don't talk about enough. I'm your host, Anna Kai, AKA maybe both across social media, here to remind you that life can be beautiful even when it's brutal. Hello. Hello. Welcome to this week's solo episode of Brutally Anna. I'm your host, Anna Kai, and as always, I hope this episode finds you doing well. And if it doesn't find you doing well, I hope it finds you at least trying to be better. It is December 19th. We are so close to Christmas and this year I am not dreaming of a white Christmas because A is in Florida. Ugh. I am so happy to be here. I am operating out of Florida for the next two weeks and saying goodbye to my crusty ass winter skin because it has been so dry and freezing in Connecticut. For all of you in the Northeast, I am so sorry that you're probably very cold and you're like, stop bragging. But I'm sorry. I'm so happy right now. I have always said to Dave that my goal in life is to become a Florida man. And I only say that half tongue in cheek because I honestly would love to live in Florida. Like, I would love to retire right now, live in a gated community and just retire into my little shell and just be warm all the time. I absolutely hate freaking being cold. Anyways, I want to talk to you guys about Christmas and the impending holiday next week because I think a lot of people have a lot of different feelings about the holidays. For me, it has now become the most wonderful time of the year. But it didn't always used to feel like that because it felt like Thanksgiving and Christmas should have been a certain way and they were never that way for me as a kid. You know, you think about the Extended family getting together in these big dinners with a turkey or a roast. And it's just me and my parents in the US So we always had really small holidays. And for a long time it felt like that wasn't enough compared to what the rest of my friends had. And now I just realized that I actually really cherish our non dramatic, calm Thanksgiving and Christmases. And if you are spending Christmas in a smaller, more intimate way or alone, I want you to really take that in and appreciate it because I feel like there's so much hype around Christmas being a time where everybody gathers together that we don't really fully realize how stressful it is to get every single extended family member under one roof for an extended period of time. And for a lot of people, the holidays and being together with extended relatives or even people in your primary household is just really stressful. And I was reading this really interesting article from the Washington Post, and the title is they love their family. They just want to spend Christmas alone. Highly recommend you go read it, especially if you need to spend Christmas alone or are choosing to spend Christmas alone. Because it sort of took the subject of spending the holidays alone, which is generally looked upon as something that is forced upon you. You know, oh my God. Who choose to spend one of the major holidays alone. And something that is a choice, it is a freeing choice because everybody that was interviewed for this said that they stopped going home for one or both holidays because A, it's expensive as all hell to travel during the holidays if you have to get on a flight to see your family. And B, they were like, I love my family, but it's really stressful putting us all together under one roof for a couple days for extended periods of time. And so I'm choosing to. To go spend time with my family during other times of the year that are not major holidays and spending actual quality time with them there that doesn't have the expectation of what Christmas should be. I think a lot of people said that they thought that Christmas never lived up to its hype because it's just supposed to be this magical day. And what ends up happening is you get all these different family members and personalities under one roof and somebody burns the turkey or the roast and, you know, people start bickering and it's just never as fun as it should be or as the movies tell us it should be. And I think for me, I've never really had a dramatic Christmas, but it never felt like that spirited everybody get together Christmas. And over time, I've really come to appreciate that there is something so magical about having a small family because you can always figure out a way to be together most of the time and not have the whole day devolve into chaos. Now when we have kids, I'm sure it's going to feel very different. And I'm not saying that just because you have a big family doesn't mean you can't have a peaceful Christmas. It's just, it's a lot more involved. And I think a lot of people, especially those who are introverts or extroverted introverts like myself, actually recharge not by being around other people, but by being alone or by being around a select few people that they do not feel like they have to perform in front of. I think that's also something about the holidays that people don't like is that there's this performance aspect. It's kind of like a wedding, you know, it's like, okay, like, what did your Christmas look like? And it's fun, you know, it's fun to get the table all dressed up and to bring out the fancy china and everything. But sometimes you just don't want to cook, you don't want to eat with the fancy china. Because what is actually going to recharge you and reset you during that 10 day stretch between Christmas and New Year's is eating Chinese takeout off of heavy duty chinet paper plates. Shout out to chinet. They don't sponsor this video, but they are actually my favorite heavy duty paper plate when I do not want to do dishes. So figure out what it is that really makes you feel like you're taking a break. Because the idea of a holiday, which is literally what people in the UK call a vacation, you know, when they go on vacation, they go on holiday, right? The idea of a holiday is it's supposed to be a break and a reset and hopefully spending time with the people you love. But if being around the people you love is gonna stress you out, then you can always see the people you love at a different time in a setting that feels more authentic to you. Just because other people say you have to be together with everyone during the holidays doesn't mean you actually have to be. And I love all of the stories that people told in this Washington Post article because they created their own traditions for spending Christmas alone. You know, they were like, I got up, I went to the spa, I made myself a French onion soup, I read a book, I took a bath. Like anything other than getting on a plane and being herded like cattle and different modes of transportation so that they could see their family, that they could see another time of the year for a far less expensive plane ticket. But for those of you who don't want to spend the holidays alone, or for those of you who don't want to be alone, I want to talk about that because I posted a clip from last week's guest episode with Caitlyn Reagan where I was talking about how I think everybody should live alone for a certain period of time and figure out how they like to live alone. Because if your goal is traditional marriage and monogamy, chances are the window of time that you get to live alone is proportionately less than the time that you spend living with other people. Because for me, I went from living with roommates to living with my now ex boyfriend to then living alone for three years to then moving in with Dave and now we're married. And if all goes according to plan, it will be a very long time before I live alone and I might never live alone ever again, depending on who passes away first. Really morbid, I know. But I wanted to share this one comment because I think it's important to touch upon. Because every time I think I talk about something or I have an opinion on something that could be slightly controversial, even though I don't think living alone and encouraging people to enjoy living alone is controversial, there's always somebody that has to be like, but this is different in my life. And I think that's totally valid. You know, there's always going to be an exception to the rule or an exception to the advice that I'm giving. But that doesn't negate the fact that I think you should live alone. And here's what this one follower said. She goes not to overshare on a public post, but I don't want to be alone. Maybe ever. I lived alone very briefly and hated it. And no, I don't need to learn how to be alone. I was an only child and spend much of my childhood and teenagehood alone in my room. I'm good. Look, that is so valid that, you know you do not like living alone as much as you like living with a partner. But here's the thing is that what I am saying is if we do not learn how to be alone and find some sort of peace and enjoyment in being alone, a lot of times what happens is we end up moving in with somebody or partnering with somebody that's not really a fit for us just for the sake of not being alone. And so that's why I think it's so important that especially if you know you don't like to be alone, figure out what it is that you don't like about being alone. Because I was also an only child and I didn't have any family other than my parents. And I realized that me not wanting to be alone with. Me not wanting to be alone with my own thoughts and how crazy they were. Once I really settled into my life, my career, in my 20s, for those three years that I lived alone, I actually realized that I really enjoyed coming home and knowing my place was going to be exactly the way I left it. It was going to be cleaned the way I wanted it to be. It was going to be decorated the way that I want it to be. I hope you find joy in your autonomy. Because that's what being alone and what being single can do for you, even if it's just temporary. Don't hate being alone and then jump into a relationship with somebody just for the sake of being together with somebody. I think that's what most of us end up doing when we stay in the wrong relationships. And when we go for the guy that's good, but not great. It's like, well, but I would rather sit on the couch and watch my favorite TV show with a warm body next to me, even if I don't really love that warm body, or if that warm body is kind of an asshole to me, than to sit alone. And it's like, why? You can figure out what it is you like to do without somebody bearing witness to that. Figure out what your hobbies are, what rejuvenates you, what recharges you without somebody else validating it. That is my whole point, I think the more you hate being alone, the more you need to learn how to be alone. Because you never want to fall into the trap of getting into the wrong relationship or spending time with the wrong friends. It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship. I spent so much time in my early 20s and mid-20s with friends that were really kind of a waste of time, that were not really good influences, that really were going nowhere. Because I would rather be with them doing pretty degenerate stuff on a Friday or a Saturday night than be alone and do something productive or healing or recharging, like reading a fucking book or just doing nothing, like watching tv. We can exist alone and be happy about it without being lonely. Alone does not mean lonely. And once you figure out how to be alone, it's really easy to reject the people, whether it's friends or boyfriends or partners that disturb your peace. But if you don't find peace on your own as an individual first, you're never going to know what that baseline is, and so you're always going to be looking to disturb the peace because you equate peace with loneliness. I want to read this comment from another one of you on Instagram about why living alone can be so freeing. So this one bitty goes I silently sobbed when I left my freedom cottage I rented when leaving my ex husband and before moving in with my boyfriend, now current husband. It was really hard to say goodbye to the place I found my freedom, strength, individuality, and where I learned to love my own company. If that isn't a glow up, rebrand, reinvention, rebirth, I don't know what is. By the way, all of you should steal that freedom cottage. You know how men get man caves and now women are apparently getting she sheds. I like Freedom Cottage way better. There is something so powerful about being a woman, in my opinion, and knowing that society up until very recently has taught us that our value lies in who wants us and who marries us and how quickly we get married. And saying no fck that. Because if George Clooney is allowed to be single as fuck for a very long time, I don't know how old he was when he married his wife, but it was a while into his life. If George Clooney is allowed to have the bachelor pad and be sexy and men are allowed to be romanticized in their singledom, women should have that too. And I think a lot of the times women don't want to be alone. Because we have been taught that being alone means being unwanted and therefore being unwanted means we are less valuable. When the only thing that's bringing your value down is you. When you lower your standards so that you don't have to be alone and you're now not alone, but you're not happy either. I think there's this concept that we either like being alone and we're a lone wolf, or we don't. You know, we're social butterflies and either one of those preferences has to be our identity forever. When it's like, okay, if you are a social butterfly, but the only reason you're a social butterfly is because you're deathly afraid of being alone. And what you might find out when the noise of the crowd dies down, you might need to learn how to be alone. And just like how if you're 100 pounds over overweight and you need to lose weight because it's bad for your health and it will shorten your life expectancy to not lose weight. Going to the gym for the first few months, walking, doing anything, you're not going to like that. So maybe you have used socialization and being together with other people as a crutch for avoiding what you really need to be working on, which is alone. You don't have to like something right away. It's an active practice. But if you start practicing and you know it's good for you and you're not using being alone as an excuse not to put yourself out there, it's just that you find that being around the people that you've been spending your time around has actually been draining you more than it's been recharging you. That's a good thing. All progress requires some level of discomfort. We don't grow unless we're uncomfortable. It's so important to look at the behaviors you're doing in the present and what you've done in the past and see if they're really serving you and to understand why you do them. Instead of just sort of living life on autopilot, you are now taking control of your life and living it with intention. That's what intention is. It's doing the hard shit. Because, you know, doing the hard shit now is gonna make that shit less hard in the future and then make your life better. And for me, I know in the last eight months that I've been doing this podcast, it's been so eye opening. Because if you guys notice, I've recorded all of my guest episodes in advance. The majority of my guest episodes were recorded back in the spring of this year. And I had never really done long form podcast hosting. Sure, I had been a guest on other people's podcasts, but this was the first time that I had recorded 20, 30 episodes being a host of my own podcast. And when I went back and listened to most of the episodes, I was like, wow, I am speaking somewhere in my nether regions from my voice. My voice is like back here. And it's actually kind of really hard for me to listen to some of those episodes. And for those of you who don't find it grating to listen to the way I speak in some of these episodes, thank you for sticking with me. But here's the thing, is that now that I'm recording my solo episodes in real time on a weekly basis, I was like, I'm gonna fix the way I speak because I don't like to listen to the way I speak on a lot of my guest episodes. I'm like, we don't sound like that. And then I had to think about, why do I speak like that when I'm recording a podcast? And I've done it on other people's episodes too, on guest episodes. And most of you have been really nice about it. None of you have said anything, but I've had a few people say, look, please start speaking from your actual voice and not from your chest, because it's really annoying to listen to. And I gotta say, I agree with you. I apologize. I'm still gonna be releasing these guest episodes where my voice is in my chest, because they're great episodes and at least most of the time the guest is doing the talking so you can listen to them and their clear voice. But I thought about it, and I think the reason I talked like that for the first batch of episodes I recorded was because I was deeply uncomfortable saying what I was saying in some sort of unrehearsed manner. I don't sound like that in my short form videos on TikTok and Instagram because it's rehearsed, it's scripted. I write all of my content in advance, I script it word for word, and then I record it line by line. So it's easy to feel confident about what you're saying when you've had time to think about what you're going to say. But podcasting is so raw, it's so organic, it's so in the moment. You're having a conversation with another human being and you can't really predict what they're going to say or how you're going to react to what they say. And sure, I have questions that I've planned out, but the conversation often takes a life of its own. And I think I felt hugely insecure about how I would sound in an unrehearsed setting. So my way of combating that was I literally just choked back my words for a lot of these episodes because I was actively fighting with myself because I didn't want to be speaking, because I wasn't confident about what I was saying, but I also had to be speaking. And so that's where that crazy ass voice comes from. And so I've made a conscious effort every time I'm recording one of these solo episodes, or now my new guest episodes, I'm recording. From here on out, you'll hear a difference if you're listening to all these episodes. And that's the beauty of progress, but that's also the beauty of being conscious because my unconscious mind wants to drop back here and talk really low. Because it's still really horrifying to me that I have to talk for 45 minutes and have no idea how it's going to come out. But when I'm conscious and when I'm in my body and when I've taken my Zoloft, I know I can speak with clarity and with poise. And maybe I don't always know what I'm saying, but that's okay. That is the beauty of this podcast versus my short form content is that it is a little less rehearsed. It's supposed to feel like a phone call. It's not supposed to be this whole scripted 50 minutes to an hour of me reading off eight pages of a word doc. Which, by the way, I actually thought that that was how I was going to record my solo episodes. I had recorded three solo episodes in my studio before we launched and I didn't end up releasing any of those episodes because I listened to them back and I was like, I sound like a robot. This stuff I'm saying is interesting. I wrote it down, I thought about it, but it's just boring to listen to. There is no spontaneity to it, which I definitely wanted my podcast to have. And I would have never gotten to this stage in my very short podcasting career so far if I didn't suck at it a little bit first, if I wasn't uncomfortable. So I'm glad of the progress I've made. I'm still trying to be better, especially at the solo game. I am trying to be better at just talking and letting it flow and not trip over my words. Because right now there's still a lot of editing that I have to do when I record these solo episodes. But I'm getting better. I'm pulling the stick out of my ass and I'm hopefully to you guys sounding a little bit freer and looser and just more like myself every week. But it is a process, okay? Just like my social media career on Instagram and TikTok was a process. Everything in life is a process. You don't get to be good at something until you suck at it first. So if you suck at being alone, but you know you need to learn how to be alone, hate it for a while first, but practice at it. Just like you might hate going to the gym at first, if you stay with it, I guarantee in a year you're not going to hate the six pack you get after going to the gym consistently for a year and eating right. Progress is pain. I am so sorry, but there is no shortcut to get to the life that you. Unless you are willing to be uncomfortable. And the people that do not change their lives, it's not because they're not capable of changing their lives. It's because they have not figured out a way to get comfortable with discomfort. Because that is the root of where all the magic in your life is going to come from. And here's the thing. The more you do something, whether that something is good for you or bad for you, the more you want to do it. It's habituation. Our bodies are hardwired to continue doing what we are already doing. That's why it's so hard to break an addiction. Whether that's a substance issue or an addiction to a relationship or a man, that's not good for you. It's so much harder to break that addiction than to not even get addicted in the first place. To say, I'm not even going to take that first drink or take that first puff of that cigarette. I don't need to go there. For me, it's sugar. I've never had a problem with substances. I don't have an addictive personality with narcotics, but I have an addictive personality when it comes to sugar. And the more sugar I eat, the more sugar I want. And then I feel like shit. I gain so much weight from sugar, it's crazy. And I just want more and more of it. It's never like, oh, I'm satiated now. So I find that it's so much easier to almost just not have it and not have it be a part of my daily routine. You know, don't eat something sweet after every meal, have it be a weekend treat than to try and break the habit once you're already in it. And so if you are spending time with a bunch of people that you don't really want to spend time with, it's so much easier to continue to spend time with them, even though you don't really like them because you are used to it. Break the habit form better habits. That's going to get you closer to the life that you want, even if it's going to take a little bit longer to get there. Because here's the thing is that if you are in a relationship that's not good for you, but you don't want to be alone, and that's the reason you're staying in that relationship, you're actually further from the life that you want than the person who is just alone, looking for a relationship. Because what you have to do first is you gotta break up with this Chad that you're with, heal from that breakup, however long that takes, then be alone, and then go out and date. Whereas if you're just single, alone, and enjoying being alone, knowing that you do want a life partner, one day you're gonna go out there and you're gonna have that first half of the journey cut out. So all you have to do is go find a partner now. So it's going to take you even longer to get to the life that you want if you refuse to break the negative cycle you're currently in. And I really believe that willpower and consistency and our own discipline is our greatest asset. Your greatest weakness isn't your lack of ability, it's your lack of discipline. I promise you, if you are willing to walk through the fire to get to the life that you want, you're not going to come out burned on the other side. You're going to come out like a phoenix from the fucking ashes. All right? So go after the life you want. Break those negative cycles. Stop hanging out with people you don't want to hang out with. Don't go home for the holidays if you don't want to go home. Do something for you. And you can't figure out what that something is until you are alone and it's quiet enough in your head to figure out how you really want to live. My grandfather lived to the age of 95, and he lived alone for most of his life because my grandmother passed away very early, unexpectedly, in her 50s. He briefly remarried once, but then really spent the second half of his life alone. And he was healthy and he was interested in life and knew so much about current events. He loved reading newspapers. He read so many newspapers every single day. He knew what was going on across the whole world. And even when his body started to fail him, his mind was still very active. And he always said that the key to aging gracefully and to staying young at heart when you are older is to learn how to be alone and in a sense, learn how to like being lonely. Because he just realized that this was how it was going to be for him. So he could either let that sink him into a deep depression and probably shorten his lifespan, or he could say, I'm gonna embrace the fact that I am alone 90% of the time. He does have family in China, so he used to go see my aunt and my cousin, but for most of the time, he was alone. And I think that's truly what kept him alive is the fact that he realized he did not need somebody else around him, especially if that somebody else was somebody that was actually impacting his health negatively. To enjoy life, please figure out how to enjoy life alone, because only then can you pick the right person to enjoy life together with. We're gonna get into some voicemails, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. Being an adult has its high points. Like you can eat ice cream for dinner anytime and no one's telling you to clean up your room. But it's not all fun. You also have to do your taxes and figure out what's for dinner every freaking night and make doctor's appointments. 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And I know that I can get a doctor on Zocdoc to see me when I need it, which is usually right now. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.comannakai to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z O C-O C.com Annakai Zocdoc.com Annakai it's cozy season and I'm gifting cozy Earth this Christmas. Because a silent night starts with the right sheets. Cozy Earth's bamboo sheet set is the ultimate gift this holiday season, elevating everyday luxury into something everyone will use and absolutely adore. And now that I'm in my 30s, I've traded FOMO for Jomo, the joy of missing out. Because I'd rather not be at the party and instead in the sanctuary of my bed. Which is why I'm so glad I upgraded to Cozy Earth sheets because they are truly the softest sheets I've ever slept in. They're made with an enhanced fabric and Cozy Earth is so committed to the durability and quality of their sheets that they come with a 10 year warranty. I love how breathable the fabric is because it helps me to sleep several degrees cooler throughout the night, which helps me sleep better and wake up fresher. Visit cozyearth.com brutallyanna and use my exclusive 40% off code Annakai to give the Gift of Luxury this holiday season. If you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from this podcast. And just remember that the only thing better than a gift wrapped under the tree is wrapping the ones you love in luxury with Cozy Earth.
- [32:46]
Caller 1
Hi Anna, I'm two months out from a breakup with the man I thought I would be with forever Fun. But since then I've quit smoking. I go to the gym every day. I took some time off from work to prioritize therapy. I've like joined my community theater. Lots of enriching decisions, but I'm still hit with these sporadic like inescapable moments of devastation when I think about this breakup and I want to know how I reconcile with this. When I have the closure I have the positive lifestyle changes and I'm kind of self aware enough to know that shallow are a dime a dozen. I'm likely more upset over the feeling of rejection versus actually losing him. So if I'm doing everything right, why am I not ready to let go of this lingering sadness? It's awful. And as a follow up, what were some green flags that Dave had versus what you thought were green flags with previous partners? Love your show. Thanks for everything you do.
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Anna Kai
First of all, I want to say how proud I am of you for doing everything right. For getting yourself out of the hell hole that is heartbreak after breaking up with somebody you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. I mean, do you know how many people go through what you go through and decide to not change for the better? To wallow like you're not doing that. But to answer your question, the first part of your question, healing is not linear. Just because you're doing everything right and you've given yourself what you deem is an appropriate amount of time doesn't mean your brain chemistry and your feelings are going to follow suit. We can't control how long it takes us to get over somebody. What we can control are Our actions. So if you still get hit with waves of sadness, even if it's just sadness at being rejected and not so much as not being with this guy who is kind of a shallow asshole, that's still a part of your healing journey. You're not quite there yet. And there's no way to rush it, because what heartbreak does is it alters our brain chemistry. That's why breakups are so devastating. Because in a way, when you break up with a partner that you were in love with, it's like going through withdrawal. Love is a dopamine hit, and when you don't have it anymore, you're still craving for it. It's like an addict going through withdrawal. When you come down from using drugs, you feel terrible. That's part of the process to cleanse your soul of this man who's a shallow asshole, as you said. And think about it this way. If you're sick, let's say you have the flu and you're doing everything right. You're taking care of yourself, you're getting plenty of sleep, you're eating healthy, you're taking all the meds. Not like you can control how long it takes for you to recover from the flu or even the common cold, even if you do everything right, because everything has a process. And if you have the flu, by getting enough sleep, by staying hydrated, by eating the right foods to nourish your body and to build your immune system, you are going to heal quicker than if you didn't sleep enough and you didn't drink enough water and you didn't eat the right things. So you're doing everything right. But what you fail to realize is that you need time. You need to give yourself more time than you think. It always takes so much longer to get over a breakup than we think it should take. And. And what is this should anyways? I hate that rule. Oh. It takes half the time that you were with the person to get over them. Okay. So if you were with them for six years, it should take you three years to get over them. Like, where did the fucking rule come from? Honestly? Like, I was with a guy in college for six months that I was convinced was my husband, and then he broke up with me, and I did not stop hating him for years after the fact. It probably took me, like, five or six years before I realized one day I thought about him and I didn't hate him anymore. Because, as you know, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. If you hate somebody, you still in A way care about them. So it took me way longer than the actual relationship to get over my college ex. Now, I hope it doesn't take you five years to get over a six month relationship or you know, quadruple the time that you were with this guy to get over him. But what I'm saying is, is that you cannot rush father time. But what you can do, you are doing. So give yourself some grace. The other thing that really helped me when I was going through breakup after breakup was I would write letters to the men who left me, who I felt like I had unfinished business with. And most of the time I never sent them. I only sent one letter. But I wrote the guy's letters post breakup as if I was talking to them. I think there is something so cathartic about writing out your feelings. So when that wave hits you, next time try writing to your ex. And writing down exactly how you feel doesn't have to be eloquent. It can be messy. No, you don't have to make it an active practice where you know, it's like a journal every day. If you're not into journaling, don't do it every day. Just make it a habit to write down how you feel as if you're talking to him when those waves of sadness hit you. And I think what you'll find when you get your thoughts out of your head and your feelings out of your body and onto a physical piece of paper, it kind of cleanses you from those feelings because then it removes you from that feeling. You can look at it and be like, oh, all right, that's how I felt. I just told you. I'm glad I got it out there. And now we move on and it's just going to take time. But these are things that you can do to actively practice making yourself feel better in the moment. I think the biggest thing too is you have to realize that you're very normal, that most people who break up with long term relationships that they didn't really want to end go through some iteration of what you're going through, even when they do everything right. Like I said before, healing isn't linear and you have to give yourself time right now, that sadness, that's a part of your journey, you might create something really great out of the sadness. I don't know if it's going to be this letter writing, but I know through this writing letters to nobody, I kind of discovered I was like, oh, I like writing. And I think I'm actually pretty good at it. And so There is value to be learned from your sadness and your heartbreak and this feeling of devastation right now. There is value in feelings that are other than joy. We place so much importance on feeling happy that we don't realize that we only feel happy. And we can only appreciate happiness and joy and laughter because we have felt pain and despair before. So realize that this is part of your experience. Embrace it and see what you can make of it. But you're on the right track. Just give yourself a little more time. Now to the second part of your question. Green flags from Dave that I didn't fully appreciate until I actually had them. There are two big ones that come to mind that I think every. Everybody should look for. And it's first, the relationship progressing at a normal pace. My God, the amount of guys who professed their undying love to me in one form or another way too early on in a relationship only to realize that I was a human being that existed outside of their imagination, that had needs, wants, and desires that weren't always convenient, and then they left me. That should have been a red flag. It's called love bombing now. But we actually didn't have that phrase when I was in my 20s and dating. And so the first thing that was different with Dave was that he never made me wonder. It wasn't about playing it cool or it's like, you know, he only texted me after a certain amount of hours to make sure it didn't look like he was too eager. He always made sure I knew that he was interested and that he was prioritizing me. But he also had a life of his own. He had a very busy job and he had friends in the city. And so it wasn't like I was the only thing that existed in his life. He called and texted me a normal amount after work. He would call me on his ride home on the train. He would text me occasionally throughout the day. But it wasn't like this crazy, oh, my God, we're soulmates. You're it. You are the love of my life. We've only known each other for such a short amount of time, but I know this is it because. Because it's so difficult to really get to know somebody without Father Time taking his freaking time. We cannot rush a relationship. So often people think they know the person. And then over time, when you've been thrown into different social situations and different challenges that life throws at you together, do you then realize who you're actually with? So many times I feel like it's not that the man Changed, it's that you finally realized who he actually was. And that's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. But with Dave, it was such a slow and steady burn. I just felt completely secure and at peace with myself the entire time. And the second green flag with him was that he was willing to cop up to his mistakes. This was very minor, but it happened in the beginning. And I just thought, oh, my gosh, this is the first time I've had a conversation with a man in a very long time where I called him out on some behavior that I didn't like. And he just said, you're right, I was wrong. He was going to a friend's house one night and he said he was gonna text me when he was leaving this friend's house because he just wanted to stop by, see their new baby. Him, his friends and his wife had just had a child. So he was going to go over, meet their daughter, and then text me. As he was making his way back, he's like, I won't be at their house for longer than an hour. And then an hour goes by and I haven't heard from him. And then an hour and a half goes by and I haven't heard from him. And then finally, maybe like two hours later, he calls me and he's like, oh, I'm on my way. And I said, okay. And then he got to my place and I said, look, you told me you were going to leave around 7. I kind of planned my night around that. It's now 8, 8:30. That's okay. I understand that sometimes when you're with somebody, things run long. But you have to let me know because it's not fair to keep me waiting. And I don't do that. You know, if you tell me you're gonna be here around a certain time, I expect you to be here. And if you're running late, which happens, that's life. Just let me know. It would have been fine. And I think in a lot of other relationships, I would have gotten a lot of, well, you should understand, you know, they have a newborn and, you know, they were running late, and I couldn't just leave after an hour. And all these excuses as to why I should not be upset about the situation. Right? But he was just like, you know what? You're so right. I just lost track of time. I really should have called you to tell you I was running late. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. And guess what? It didn't happen again. The green flag of the century. I called him out on a mistake he made, he said he wouldn't do it again and he said he was sorry and he didn't do it again. So I think those two things look for that in a person and also be that person. If you have a hard time admitting that you are wrong in little life situations like that, it's also important for you to do the inner work so that you can be the partner that you would want to be with too. There are so many other green flags that Dave gave off throughout the course of our now six and a half year relationship that I hope for you and hopefully when you meet that guy you are also ready to be his green flag.
- [45:45]
Caller 2
Hello 33 year old male going through breakup with 25 year old female first off I'd like to say that this is going to be a two part message, but first off I just want to say that the information you provide, I know it's geared towards the woman's perspective, but if you're a man woman, anything you want to be, if you're able to receive information and listen to advice, what you say can be used by anyone, not just women. And I appreciate that. But Reason for Breakup on the Table My fault I was messaging a woman that I previously had a situation with and my girlfriend did not like her. Never anything sexual, she only asked about relationship advice. It started in September of last year and my girlfriend found out about it in October. I'm not taking away any accountability. I was wrong for what I did previous to her finding out she had been messaging men that did not like me. I saw a picture of her kissing another man and my girlfriend is the avoidant type and hates conflict. So instead of bringing it up and causing a big commotion, I chose to forgive her in silence. I know everybody has their own forgiving style. I'm going to be sending another message because I'm running out of time. But part two of 33 year old male going through breakup with 25 year old female as previously stated that I'm not taking anything away from what I did but the things that she had done talking to men who knew, she knew did not like me and wanted to have sex with her and also the kissing of another male. I never said anything about it just because she is the avoidant type and she hates conflict. So it would have just ended in a bad situation. So I avoided it and healed in my own peace and solace with her by my side. And when I brought it up to her she just said that she I can't be mad at her for something that she didn't know I knew about. And I just don't understand that concept of how you can say I can't feel. I can't feel any emotion for what you're saying because I didn't know you knew about that. And I know your information, like I said, is geared towards the woman perspective, but if you do a video or podcast and you can help me in a situation, even if you gear towards a woman's perspective, I will receive it because like I said, I am an open minded individual and I can receive advice and information no matter how it's put out there. But yes, thank you very much for everything that you do and you definitely have a lifetime subscriber. Thank you.
- [48:43]
Anna Kai
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Required casino credits are non withdrawable and expire in 100 terms at casino.draftkings.com promos this episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Get stoked for all the holly jolly vibes this season at Dutch Bros. Stay cozy with returning winter faves Hazelnut Truffle mocha and candy cane mocha. Plus the new Winter Shimmer Rebel energy drink blends up sweet cream and blue razz flavor with soft top and shimmer sprinks to keep those spirits energized all winter long. Download the Dutch Bros. App to find your nearest shop, order ahead and start earning rewards. This breakup goes so much farther back than the point at which you started talking to that woman you had a situation with last September. So if my timelines are correct, you started talking to another woman, messaging her even though it wasn't sexual last September. And you've Been talking to her continuously up until this October when your girlfriend found out. And I don't know why you decided to start talking to this woman, but something in your relationship with your now ex girlfriend led you to that moment. And I love that you're taking accountability for it. And trust me, we love a straight man who takes responsibility. Okay, so we are happy to have you here in this community of bitties, but I want you to figure out what it is that you felt was missing in your relationship that you had to go looking elsewhere. I don't care if that other woman messaged you first, you still had to message back. If you are in a secure relationship with your current girlfriend, it doesn't matter who pops or slides into your DMs, you're like, I'm good, thanks. But out of respect for my current relationship, I'm not going to entertain this. There was a reason that you wanted to continue to engage with that woman and it could be if your now ex girlfriend is avoidant and wouldn't talk to you about the issues that were in your relationship relationship, you felt like you needed an outlet. So maybe this woman became that outlet that you really actually wanted your current girlfriend to be. And so you have to look at the demise of your relationship as very much an incompatibility issue. It almost There was something about your relationship that led you to want to talk to another woman outside of your relationship that you knew was going to anger your girlfriend if she found out. And there was something about the way you interact with your girlfriend that made her want to cheat on you and kiss other men, even though she thought you were never going to find out. Both of you were essentially doing the same thing at the same time, hoping the other person wouldn't find out in order to maintain the status quo. And that's just not a relationship that either one of you should be in now. Look, your girlfriend's saying, well, you don't have a right to be mad about this because whatever, A, you were doing somewhat sort of the same thing even though you were just emotionally cheating, or B, you know, you were never supposed to find out about it, so you don't have a right to be mad about it. I mean, that's just all her not taking responsibility for her share of the breakdown of the relationship and you saying, you know, I've healed myself, I forgave her, I did what I needed to do because I knew she wasn't going to be willing to talk to me about it. So I fixed the relationship myself. Guess what you didn't fix it, okay? You just put a band aid over it. But the wound is still festering. And actually a band aid, if you keep it on for too long, you don't let the wound breathe, it starts to get infected sometimes. And that's what you did. You tried to cover the problem by pretending like the problem didn't exist and the problem was always there. And you pretending like that this relationship wasn't doomed was never really going to save it. There is a fundamental incompatibility issue between you and your girlfriend. And for some reason, neither one of you trusts the other person. And I don't know who started what. And it's probably everybody and nobody's fault all at the same time like most relationships. But what you have to do is not focus on how could she say this? Or how could she not take any part of the blame. It's, you need to focus on why you felt like you couldn't go to your girlfriend and talk to her and why you felt like you had to go look elsewhere and make sure that in the next relationship you don't do the same thing. Because no matter how much of the quote, unquote bigger person you want to be, if you don't figure out what it is within you that thought that talking to another woman was going to be a better option than leaving the woman you're with because she's clearly not doing it for you, you need to figure out what it is about you that's too afraid to let go of what you know, even if you know what you have is not right for you. And I don't know what it is. I don't have enough Context in the 3 minute voicemail you left me, but is there a part of you that feels like you don't deserve more? That maybe because you did this horrible thing and you messaged this other woman that you deserve to get cheated on? Right? No. Okay, you deserve to a not get cheated on. And you also deserve to be with somebody that doesn't make you want to cheat. Now, I'm not saying that it's her fault that you cheated. You still made your bed and now you have to lie in it. I'm just saying that if you were super happy in your relationship, you wouldn't have messaged that other woman and not certainly for the extended period of time that you did. So figure out where the relationship went wrong and go from there. I don't think you can fix this relationship. It's irreparably damaged. I do not believe in going back to somebody after they've cheated on you before marriage. Because this is supposed to be the good part when you're dating. It really is. Life just gets more and more complicated when you get married and you throw a mortgage and bills and job stress and kids into the mix and family dynamics. The dating part is the honeymoon phase. So if you guys couldn't figure out a way to make it easy during the dating phase, I don't have much faith that this is your person. And that's okay, because I think once you do the inner work to figure out why it is you were so willing to accept the fact that she kissed another dude, and you were like, it's fine. I'm not going to talk to her about it. I think once you figure out what it is in yourself that you were willing to accept that and why you decided to talk to that other woman, can you then figure out what the next relationship is going to look like for you and how it's going to be different? I think what it comes back to is that comfort factor is that you were probably living in dysfunction for a while with your girlfriend, to the point where you didn't even really know what a healthy, functional, loving relationship felt like. So in order to find some release or some sort of relief, you sought it in the form of another woman. I mean, it happens all the time. You know, it starts off with the most innocent of intentions. A Facebook message, an Instagram dm, a chat somewhere, and then it ends up snowballing, and it turns into an emotional affair, which is just as bad or possibly worse than a physical affair. Sometimes what I find in a relationship or a breakup where everybody has just fucked up because nobody is the good guy in this breakup. I'm sorry, you're both the bad guy. You've both caused irreparable harm to the relationship. I think in a situation like that, the easiest answer is to say, fuck it. I'm going to start all over. I'm not going to dwell on the past. I don't want to be that man. I know you don't, because you listen to my advice. You are not the guy that wants to have an emotional affair on his girlfriend. You probably want to settle down and live a pretty traditional life and be madly in love with your wife. I mean, who doesn't want that, right? So if that's what you want, you got to figure out the steps you need to take to get there with the right person one day. With a woman who does want to communicate with you, it's fine. If your now ex girlfriend is avoidant, you clearly don't mesh with that. You probably need somebody that wants to talk out the problems. And honestly, I don't even know how a couple can resolve their issues by not talking at the problem. I don't know a single healthy couple that says, yeah, we're just gonna avoid the issues in our relationship, we're gonna make peace with it on our own, and we're still gonna be somehow happy. That was never really a long term solution for you. That was just preventing you from moving on because this relationship was something you knew and it was scary for you to leave it. And the same thing for her. Instead of just breaking up with you, she decided it was going to be easier to cheat on you and not tell you. I don't think either one of you is the bad person. I think both of you deserve to find better. But I think what happens when we don't believe we deserve better or we're too afraid to go find better because we don't know or don't think we can get better, that's when our actions don't align with our values. And that's the biggest danger of all is are you the person you want to be in the relationship? And I think if you look back at this relationship with your girlfriend, you are not the person you wanted to be. I know that you're trying to be better. So I would focus less on how could she say this? How could she say I have no right to be upset about what she did. You have a right to be upset, but you have a responsibility to move on. And the responsibility is not to her. The responsibility is to yourself. That's it for this week, Bitties. Thanks so much for tuning in. If you liked this episode and if you've enjoyed my podcast so far, it would mean so much to me for you to rate review on Apple Podcasts and subscribe. I will be eternally grateful and I'll talk to you guys next week.