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Brutally Anna
Solo Episode: The LA Fires, my most humbling moment, and how to deal with friend breakups
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- [00:01]
Anna Cai
This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. Recently I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two year contracts, they said, what the are you talking about? You insane Hollywood So to recap, we're cutting the price of mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only taxes and fees, extra speed slower above 40 gigabytes of details. Welcome back to this week's solo episode of Brutally Anna I'm your host Anna Cai. I hope this episode finds you doing well and if I hope it finds you at least trying to be a little bit better. And I want to start off by saying I recorded last week's episode at the start of the week prior to all of the LA wildfires happening. And so I didn't have a chance to address it in last week's solo. But this week I just want to say for any of my biddies listening in who are from the LA area, my heart, my prayers and all my good juju is going out to you. It has been such a devastating week, watching it all unfold on the news and I cannot possibly imagine what you're going through right now. So I hope this episode brings you a little bit of solace. And I really don't believe that words are great in situations like these. You know, when you've lost your entire house or you've lost a very close loved one. I feel like a lot of times it's not so much about what people say, it's about the people who show up. And it's not about exactly how they present their help to you, but it's about the fact that they make themselves known that they are there in case you need them. And I hope for those of you who have been affected that you have people around you who are showing up for you. I remember visiting LA and living there for the first time in 2011 and my favorite part of LA was Malibu. And that drive along the PCH, I believe it's called, excuse me if it's not. But it's that drive where you see the mountains on one side and all those houses in the hilltops and the ocean and the beach on the other side, and it's just absolutely magical. And the first time I drove along Malibu, I remember the exact song that was playing in my car. And at that time I was driving in a rented Dodge Charger that I had for the summer. And I'm pretty sure at that time Apple CarPlay was not a thing I actually know it wasn't. So I think I remember I had some sort of converter for my phone so that I could plug it into the car and listen to my chosen Spotify playlist in the car. And it was via one of those cassettes things for anybody who's old enough to remember, I hope you know what I'm talking about. It was basically my Gen Z people. It was basically a cassette, right, that was attached to a cord, like an auxiliary cord that you plugged into your phone and somehow this cassette player that was put into your car would play the music from your phone instead of having to listen to the radio. I was never a big radio person. I never liked that they were picking the music for me. I always wanted to be in charge of my own destiny and my own playlist. And yeah, I guess I'm a control freak. So the song that was playing as I drove along Malibu for the first time and just had like a religious experience was Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells. And that's R I L L R I L L But the Click New Trends remix, actually, maybe it wasn't on Spotify. I think you can only get it on SoundCloud regardless. I know it's old as hell, but please go YouTube soundcloud, Google that particular remix of the Sleigh Bell song and drive somewhere beautiful. And I was listening to that song this week and remembering being 21 years old in LA, about to graduate college, driving along this beautiful strip of America and wondering where the hell my life was going, but feeling really grateful that I got to see a piece of beauty, even though I had no idea what I was doing at the time. And this is why it's so devastating to lose a house. I think what's been disappointing about the fires has been all of the people online that have said, oh, well, there's insurance and you can rebuild and whatever. And insurance doesn't cover memories. Insurance doesn't cover all of the sentimental value that a house, particularly those who were in their homes for decades have. I have such a small sliver of memory of Malibu and LA from my early 20s, and I think of that time so fondly, and it's pretty heartbreaking to watch so much of it burned down to the ground that what I feel is a small, small percentage of what the people who actually live there feel. And watching their whole lives and their history burned to the ground. And so taking a moment to acknowledge everything that everybody is going through this Week in LA. As of recording this episode, it's Wednesday, January 15th. It looks like the Santa Ana winds this week have not been as bad as people expected them to be. So praying that they stay calm today and that the firefighters can keep doing their thing and they can just keep making progress on containing these wildfires. And I was thinking about the fires this week in juxtaposition to my life here in Connecticut. The worst weather event we're grappling with this week is that it's fucking cold as hell. It was 21 degrees this morning, Fahrenheit when I woke up, and it's windy. But look, I will take that any day of the week. I am not complaining over what those of you in LA are dealing with, but also, it's a pretty big personal week for me. If you guys tuned into last week's solo episode, you know that Dave and I are moving. We bought our forever home. And all of it is coming at such an interesting time. Like, personally, I'm so excited and happy to be moving into my forever home, but I would be lying if I didn't say I feel such a huge amount of guilt as we closed on our house yesterday and as I'm, you know, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get Internet and just trying to get the house set up. Like, thinking about the fact that we bought this house, that's our dream house, and so many people lost their dream houses, and it just doesn't feel fair and I can't offer a solution. But what I will say is, as somebody who has experienced a lot of housing insecurity as a child growing up, I know how devastating it is to not have somewhere to go home to. Not just a house or not just a hotel room, but a home. And so I hope, at the very least, you feel seen, heard and acknowledged this episode. And I hope to bring a little bit of levity and humor to your day. Not because any of this is funny, but because I deal with crises and Pain by being self deprecating. So I yesterday worked on our house for six hours cleaning and just talking to people and getting all the locks changed. And look, moving's a pain, right? And moving apartments is a pain, but moving houses is an even bigger pain because there's just more shit to deal with.
- [08:30]
Ryan Reynolds
And.
- [08:30]
Anna Cai
And I was so tired at the end of the night, I came back to our current house and I was eating just the most random dinner I could throw together. There was like half of a rotisserie chicken in the fridge that I sliced up and I warmed up, and then I ate a homemade yogurt parfait, which was good, but then I decided that I liked the blueberries the most out of that yogurt parfait. So I just decided to eat more blueberries. And I'm like throwing these blueberries into my mouth. And there is nothing more humbling than being 34 years old eating blueberries and missing your mouth. And that was the moment I realized I need to go to sleep. I was gonna try and record this episode last night, and I just had nothing left in the tank. And oftentimes when I'm deliriously tired, I come up with the most ridiculous topics I wanna talk to you guys about. And so I was thinking of all the moments for some reason in my adult where I've just been humbled as. And the other. I guess maybe this is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know if I was embarrassed, though. I will say I was humbled. I think there's a difference. And I need to noodle on what the difference is. But I will say I was not embarrassed. I was humbled. Because for those of you who have followed me for a while on social media, you know, I do not shy away from bodily functions. I think they are a part of all of us. They're smelly, they're stinky, they're not sexy. But you know what? They're funny at least, right? So I talk about farting and pooping all the time and why I think women should not be ashamed to do that. Well, I really put that to the test when I was in my mid-20s and I was dating this guy, not Dave, and I had horrible food poisoning. And typically food poisoning lasts for like 24 hours. Maybe 48 for me, but this was really bad. Here's where I got it. I can't pinpoint the exact food item that I got it from, but I decided to have a solo charcuterie and wine party for myself. Party of one, please. And thank you. As I'm always saying, you need to learn how to do things alone. So I was not seeing my boyfriend that weekend. I don't know why. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna have a great time by myself. I'm gonna go to Trader Joe's, pick up some good ch. Some salami, some good cured meats. I love a good cured meat. And, oh, prosciutto. Oh, my God, I'm all over the prosciutto at Trader Joe's. And then I picked up a bottle of red wine, and I went home, and I ate the cheese and the prosciutto and the crackers. And the night of my solo wine and charcuterie party, I woke up, and I really had to go to the bathroom. And I knew something was kind of wrong because it wasn't like a normal shit. I feel like I should probably put a disclaimer or, like, a trigger warning. I don't know if that's what you call this, but, like, if you're eating right now and you're about to listen to that, maybe come back and listen to the rest of this story, because it's kind of gross, but it's kind of funny. At least I think it's funny. I'm. I'm not above a little bit of potty humor. Basically, I had a really runny. It was, like, liquid. And I think we all know what I'm talking about. It's like when you have one of those, you're like, ooh, something's happening there. Because when there is bacteria or something in your intestines that is not supposed to be there, your body's reaction is to send a ton of water to your intestines to flush it out, which is why diarrhea is runny. Yay. So I was like, okay, cool. Got it out of my system, went back to sleep. Four hours later, did it again. And that started the next six days of just straight diarrhea. I shit you not. No pun intended, actually. Maybe pun intended. Hashtag dad joke. Literally, I could not stop shitting. And by the end, it was honestly just water because I had nothing left in me for six days. And it would come on, like, every hour. And it was so painful and so disruptive, and I had to go get diaper rash cream because it got really painful in so many different ways. And it culminated in me going to the emergency room because I became so dehydrated. This was before I really understood that Pedialyte was what I should have been drinking, not just chugging water, because I was losing so much water that I thought I was, like, maybe having a heart attack, that maybe this food poisoning was actually just like a stroke. I don't know. I went to the emergency room because I was having heart palpitations and having a heart attack time breathing. It turns out I was just severely dehydrated, so they hooked me up to an iv. And then shortly after that stint in the emergency room, I started getting better. But while I was in the er, they were like, we need to test your fecal matter. Great. So they give me a little, like, thing. It sort of looks like one of those cups that you pee into at the doctor's office. But I don't have anything in me at the time because, of course, that's how it works, right? Like, when I don't want to poop is when I have to poop. And then when I need to, I can't. So they're like, go home. You're discharged. You're fine. And when you feel the urge to purge, poop into this jar and then seal it up and put it in this, like, Ziploc bag they gave me with all this stuff on it, and then bring it back to us so we can test to make sure you don't have anything crazy going on in your system. And so I'm like, okay, cool. And I go back to my boyfriend's apartment because when I'm in pain, I'm a baby, and when I'm sick, I just want to be with people. And I decided to stay at his apartment that weekend as I was recovering. And we had been together for maybe six months, seven months at this point. So it's not a super new relationship, but it's also, you know, not a super seasoned relationship, too. But I think we had moved past the whole farting and pooping thing in front of each other, so I knew I felt good talking to him about what was going on. And I'm in his apartment, and I'm reading these very lengthy instructions on how to give this fecal sample. And I read that the sample, once put into this jar, has to be refrigerated or else it will not produce an accurate test. So I literally have to shit into a cup, seal it, put it in a Ziploc bag with my name and, like, Social Security number on it and put it in my boyfriend's fridge. And you want to talk about being humbled? Try going to the guy that you've been dating for six months. And saying to him, can I put my diarrhea shit that might have E. Coli in it into your fridge for a day before I can give it to the hospital? And that's exactly what I did. And he said, that's fine. Can you just maybe spray that shelf down with alcohol afterwards? Needless to say, I did that. He was actually great about it. I got the poop sample over to the er. They couldn't find anything. Which is actually really frustrating because when you've been shitting non stop for six days, like, you hope they find at least something, you know, it's like, what caused this intense pain and just poopy diarrhea coming out of my butt for six days. You're like, we don't know, but glad you're over it, so we'll never know. So it was either the cheese, the charcuterie, or the wine. But if I had to guess, my money's on the charcuterie. I've never looked at a piece of prosciutto the same way again. I haven't stopped eating it. I just pause slightly now before I eat it. For some reason, it's become a big thing at bachelorette parties. Like in the past few years, myself included, a bunch of my girlfriends have gotten married and we'll get a house somewhere, and there's always snacks and things that people bring, and there's always that damn Trader Joe's prosciutto that is so fucking good. And I will never stop eating. But every time I see it, I'm like, is this gonna give me the runs for six days and then I eat it anyways? And I have been fine ever since, so. Look, everybody makes mistakes, including Trader Joe's. I do love me some Trader Joe's. I will never stop shopping there. And I'll never stop eating charcuterie. But it was a painful moment. And it was a moment I realized that no matter how great I look, sometimes after I've spent like three hours in the bathroom doing my hair and makeup and I'm wearing an expensive dress and I got all my fancy bling bling on, there was a time that I shot into a cup and I had to put it in my boyfriend's fridge. So it's just not that serious. You know, there are things that are serious in life, like losing your whole fucking home. But, like, a lot of things aren't. Let's all stop taking ourselves too seriously. And hopefully, if you have been affected by the fires or if you're just going through it this week, that story brought you a little bit of joy is the right word. Because I'm pretty sure it's pretty disgusting to listen to all of that, but maybe just some sort of camaraderie in that I am in this with you, literally and figuratively. We're all just figuring it out. But I want to talk about this idea of not being embarrassed but being humbled. Because I think I spent so much of my twenties just feeling shame and embarrassment everywhere I went for just existing, that by the time I got into my mid-20s I was just like, this is who I am, poopy diarrhea and all. And it's just so much easier and less exhausting for me to live like this in my truth than to live as anything else than to live as a girl who doesn't fart. Like I get really bad PMS gas. I don't know if any of you guys have this, but the 10 days before my period, one of the lovely side effects I get from PMDD is is really smelly farts. I don't really know if I intended this whole episode to be about my GI issues yet here we are. So anyways, I get bad gas before my period. I used to get really bad mood swings, but my Zoloft, thankfully as of a few weeks ago has helped tremendously with that. But it doesn't help so much with the physical symptoms. So I still get bloating, I still get water retention and gas and I still feel a little bit tired. But the worst part of my PMDD was the depression, the anxiety, the panic and all of that. So we love Zoloft but we hate the gas. I don't know if there is something I can take for the gas, but if there was like a Zoloft for my farts, I would take that too. That being said, I was just thinking about how much time I wasted in my 20s trying to do things to make other people like me, when in reality all I really wanted to be doing was, I guess, giving myself food poisoning in my apartment alone, eating charcuterie and wine. And I guess I want to ask you guys this question and I can't listen to the answer because this is a one sided conversation. But ask yourself, what have you done in the last year that has been solely because you are trying to make somebody else happy because you think they'll like you better if you do this thing you don't want to do? I'm not talking about the things we sacrifice for our families and our close friends and all of that. I'm talking about what people need you to give up, your comfort and what you want to do in order for them to stay in your lives. I had a lot of friends in high school and college that I felt like if I wasn't friends with their friend or I didn't go to every event that they wanted me to go to or every night out, I didn't go clubbing with them that they wouldn't like me as much. And as I got older, I just realized that those are not really friends and those are not people you should keep in your life because those people are using you. They're not there for you. They're there to see what they can get from their relationship with you. There were so many times when I was younger where I didn't really want to hang out with a group of girls. Like, maybe I had a good relationship with one or two of them, but there was another one that made me feel bad and I just thought, oh, but I need to go hang out with them this Friday night because if I don't, I'm not going to be part of the group and I'm going to feel like a loser. And even though this one girl makes me feel bad, like in order to maintain my relationship with the other girl, I've gotta be going out tonight, even though I'd rather just be home alone. And I think the biggest loss that we can all face other than the loss of our home and the loss of a close loved one, is the loss of our time. Time is such a finite resource and that's why I'm always yelling at you guys on social media. Please stop wasting your time with not only men that don't deserve it, but also friends that don't deserve it and rest and not peace to the days when I thought I had to do things I didn't want to do in order to have a community around me. I think a lot of women go through this because we're so hardwired from birth to view social acceptance as the pinnacle of existence. And I think it's so damaging because what ends up happening is we end up having a lot of friends and very few people we actually trust. Sure, we are accepted on the outside and we're part of this so called community, but what is that community actually comprised of? Because if that community is made up of a bunch of people who are not actually rooting for you, who don't actually support you, and are just sort of using you to compete with you, then why do you want to be part of that community, maybe it is better to be alone. And I've learned that as I've gotten older, and I have less friends now than I did in my 20s. And I think a lot of us do. That's not just me, and that's not unique to my lived experience. But I think the result of all of us aging and getting wiser, hopefully, is that we realize we need less people, because more is not merrier. In fact, less is more. And that applies to all areas of your life, not just with friendships, but also with the stuff in your life. I think a lot of us were faced with this question this week when we read stories of what people grabbed in a hurry from their homes as they fled these fires in la. And I was thinking about, okay, well, If I had 20 minutes to just escape, what would I do? Well, obviously, like, the essentials, I guess, like, my passport and Social Security cards. But, like, what would you grab first? Top of mind. And my top of mind items from my house are not at all logical or practical. I would grab the three sketches. They're charcoal sketches that my dad drew. I have three pieces of artwork from my dad. One of them he sketched when I was 6, and it's a sketch of me playing violin. The other one is something that he sketched in 1988, and it was a gift from my mom when they were dating. And the other one is a sketch he did a Sawyer a few years ago. And those things cannot be replaced, honestly. Like, even my passport can be replaced. It would be a bitch, right? And I'm supposed to go to Mexico City at the end of the month, so I probably couldn't go to Mexico City. But, like, my passport can be replaced. My Social Security card can be replaced. Up until a certain point, I think you can only request a certain amount of replacement Social Security cards, but I'm not there yet. I. I haven't lost that many Social Security cards. But those sketches, I'm never going to get those back if I lose them. So I was like, I'd grab those three things and just figure the rest out. And who are the people in your life that are the metaphorical three sketches that I would bring? You know? And the three people in my life that mean the most to me are my parents, Dave, and I guess if you're counting Sawyer, that's four. But debatable as to whether she counts as human, even though she certainly acts like one sometimes. But, yeah, those are the four living creatures that I would grab in a fire. And those three sketches and Kind of that's it, you know, the rest of it, we'll figure it out. So I don't want to say the silver lining, because I don't know if there's a silver lining to losing your house, but maybe the lesson here is that less is truly more. And figure out what the bare minimum less is for you, because those are the things you truly need to be happy, those are the people you truly need to be happy and everything else. I remember getting so caught up about scratching the side bumper of my car a few years ago. You know, I overturned going into the garage and I scraped the side of my car and I had to get bodywork done. And that's not cheap. And of course, it was just under what my insurance deductible was, so it didn't make sense to file a claim. And it stressed me out so much. And I think about the fact that every single person that lost their home in LA would kill to deal with a scratched bumper right now in lieu of what they are currently going through. So what are your three pieces of art that you would take in a fire? Hold on to those dearly. Make sure you don't lose sight of that. And the rest you can rebuild, you can replace, and you can begin again. We're going to get into some of your voicemails this week, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. So, a few years ago, Dave and I left a decade of living in New York City to move to Connecticut. And as such, we had to change all of our doctors, start over from scratch. And being the hypochondriac that I am, I knew I had to find a few critical doctors right away, like a primary care physician and a dentist and a dermatologist and a gynecologist for all of my annual health checkups. So I turned to Zocdoc because I'd used it before in the city to find some of my best physicians, and I was using it again to start all over. ZocDoc made it so easy for me to find doctors that were not only accepting new patients, but also within my network. And this year, I was reminded again how great ZocDoc was. Because I was sitting at my desk one night and I felt my upper arm and there was a lump in my upper arm. And guys, if you feel a lump anywhere on your body, I don't care if you think you know what it's from, go get it checked out. I turned to ZocDoc and looked for the first availability that a general surgeon in my area had who didn't need a referral and was accepting new patients and was seen the next day. Thankfully, the lump in my arm was much ado about nothing, but thanks to ZocDoc I was able to assuage my fears the next day. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. I use ZocDoc to find the best physicians in my area for my needs and you should too because finding the best care should not be difficult. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to zocdoc.comannakai to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com Annakai Zocdoc.com Annakai New Year New Budget Whether it's groceries, home essentials or a weekend getaway, make sure you're getting cash back on every purchase when you use ibotta. Ibotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop. You can earn on hundreds of items from groceries to toys to tech. The average Ibotta user earns $256 per year. That could help pay off some expenses be put towards a vacation or a purchase on your wish list. With ibotta you earn cash back that you can withdraw to your bank account, PayPal or gift cards. Simply add offers in the app, upload your receipt and voila, the money is yours. You can save on over 2,400 brands and shop at over a thousand retailers, including your favorite grocery stores, Lowe's, Macy's, Sephora, Best Buy and more. Join the over 50 million smart shoppers who use Ibotta to earn cash back on everyday purchases. 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- [30:45]
Voicemail Caller
Hi Anna, I need advice from someone wiser than me. The past year and a half has been full of change and heartbreak, leaving me feeling lonely and lost. Growing up, I never had close friends and Always felt like I was floating between groups. When I moved out to Utah after college, I finally found my people, a community that felt like family. I came out of my shell, built friendships and felt like I belonged. But as life moved on, so did many of those friendships. Friends got married, had kids, or moved away. Recently, a friend I thought of as family told me I wasn't part of her close friends for her bachelorette because I'm single. Another friend ended our relationship with harsh words, saying she didn't see me in her life because I don't want kids. I've made new friends, amazing women who share my passion for skiing. But I still mourn the loss of the deep connections I thought would last forever. On top of this, I faced isolation and strained relationships because of the situation in Israel where I have family and friends. Since my breakup in 2023, it feels like I've been stuck in a painful streak of loss. How do you mourn friendships that fade? And how do you make meaningful connections as an adult in your late 30s?
- [31:54]
Anna Cai
I think friendship breakups hurt in particular because it feels like when we become friends with somebody, especially somebody of the same sex that we're not interested in romantically, we are making friends, a platonic friend. It feels like we're supposed to keep that friend forever. We don't feel like this when it comes to dating because we know if we are monogamous, we choose one partner and there's just one person at the end of the day, we make a decision to spend the rest of our lives with and hopefully not sever the relationship. But with friendships, they feel like there's no end date and it's a voluntary thing on both ends. And it's just a particularly tough kind of grief because of its ambiguity. I really believe that. I almost think relationships, romantic relationships are in some ways easier to process because it almost feels like we have more of a right to be heartbroken over a guy than to be heartbroken over a girlfriend that you were not romantically interested in. And you've gone through several of these now. And I'm really sorry. But what I want to tell you is that just like how not every guy you're going to date is meant to stay in your life forever, not every friend is meant to stay in your life forever. I have several friends that have been lifelong friends. I have several friends that have been very long term friends that I don't talk to nearly as much as I used to when I was younger. And I have a lot of people that I've Fallen out of touch with, not because anybody did anything wrong. And I love and think of them kindly, but we went our separate ways. We live in very different places and everyone's just busier and it's just harder to find time to connect. And then though there are few and far between. But there are friends that I have that I've intentionally, quote, unquote broken up with. And I think what you're particularly grappling with is two extremely painful situations with these two women who have in no uncertain terms told you that you don't value nearly as much to them as they did or do to you. I mean, I'm sorry, but the audacity of one woman to tell you that you are not a bridesmaid because you're not married, and the other one to tell you that she doesn't want to be friends with you because you're not going to have kids. I want to say that these women were probably never your friend to begin with because those are two conditional factors that have nothing to do with the integrity of who you are. And even if they were never truly your friend, I don't think you should look at your relationship with them as a total scam, as a lie for however long you've been friends with them. This community helped you in so many ways get to where you are now. And even if it wasn't meant to last forever, it got you to this point where now you have created and are starting to create a new community around you of like minded individuals. I think a lot of times we gravitate towards people who are going through the same things in life as we are. But at the same time, I have plenty of friends who are not married. I have plenty of friends who desperately want to be mothers or are mothers. And I have a lot of friends who don't know if they want to be mothers. None of those affect my opinion of who they are, our friendship and their character. And in my videos I always talk about how the Chads are usually men we've all dated who sort of uphold the patriarchy. But sometimes the Chads are women and these women are a little bit chatty in my opinion because I'm sorry, the audacity of these women to tell you that they don't want to be friends with you over two factors that you don't really have much control over. Being single and not having children. And none of those decisions have anything to do with your character, how good of a friend you are. And all that says to me is you might have Surrounded yourself with a couple people that felt like home only because you didn't really know what home felt like. And now that the dust has settled, you're starting to see that this was maybe a halfway house between where you were and where you're ultimately supposed to land in terms of a community and like minded people and people who really love you for who you are regardless of decisions you make when it comes to your relationship. I do feel like if somebody is not going to be friends with you because you're single, that says so much more about them than it does you. There is something about your singledom that is so threatening to them because it doesn't fit into their picture perfect vision of what a bachelorette should look like that it begs to ask the question, what are they so scared of? So they want all married or interrelationship women on their bachelorette party and they want all their best friends to be locked down. I don't know, is it because they're afraid you're going to be the center of attention on their bachelorette party or you're going to remind them how much they love being single? Or I don't know, maybe they're having doubts about whether they really want to marry this guy and you being there and the freedom you have to move about a bar that they don't have. Maybe that's threatening, I don't know, maybe they're perfectly happy. But there is something there about you, your relationship status and the fact that you don't have children that is threatening to both of these women. And it is a reflection of who they are and not who you are. And so I really want you to remember that most of the time friends break up for two reasons. One, being distanced. And it's usually a slow fade and nobody's at fault. It's just life takes you in different directions. And the other is because somebody in the relationship can't stop using the other woman's life as a measuring stick for their own. I think a lot of people are friends with one another not because they truly enjoy each other's company, but because it's a way to stack up how they're doing in life. It's like where do I measure my achievements and where I'm supposed to be at this age. If I don't have a community of like minded people around me, okay, well, if I have everybody around me in a similar place in life, married with kids with the house, blah, blah, blah, now I have a sense of identity that I can use to define Myself. And the fact that you have seemed to live life more so on your own terms is a threat to that timeline, is a threat to that close knit community of these people who think that this is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't do it then I don't know how to compute that because I've never really learned how to define what I want. I've only learned how to define what I want in relation to what everyone else wants. I think it's a lot easier for me sometimes to look back on my failed romantic relationships and be like, well, that didn't work out. But here's what I learned from it. And I'm actually so glad it didn't work out because I needed it not to work out in order to become the next person to meet the next guy. That maybe also didn't work out. But then I learned something else that led me to the next guy and so on and so forth. And we don't think of friendships that way. We don't think of friends as stepping stones. And I don't mean yous friends to get from one place to the next. But if friends leave your life, and especially if it wasn't your choice or even if it was your choice, you have to understand that like the saying goes, a lot of people are in your life for a season, not for forever. And the season has changed. It is time for you to let some new flowers bloom in your garden. And it sounds like you've already found some of those new flowers. They're your new ski friends and you've got to nurture those flowers and see how big they can grow and what they can grow into. But spend some time appreciating these new flowers in your garden. I know you love the old ones. I know the old ones were beautiful and you thought they were your favorite flowers in the world, but they became your favorite flowers over time. Maybe it's time for you to look at these new flowers and discover what you love about them that the old flowers didn't have. And I think when you focus more on what you have and you realize that it had nothing to do with you, the reason these women left you, then you'll start to understand that them leaving you was actually serving you and serving the next best version of your life that you're meant to live.
- [41:50]
Ryan Reynolds
Hi, I'm Anna. I just wanted to leave a voicemail to see if maybe you can give some advice here. I'm a 23 year old mom to a 6 year old and Life has not been easy by, by any means at all. It started really when I was younger. I was in and out of the system. And then it kind of just created like a nasty cycle. I ended up getting pregnant early, well, at a young age. And then that caused a very nasty cycle. As far as, like me following in my mom's steps. The only difference between me and her is that I actually take care of my child or I actually want to take care of my child. I want to do better for, for my child. I want to set an example for her. But I don't know where to start. I, I feel like I'm at like a dead end in my life. I want to go back to school. I want to get a better job. I, I, I want to do so many things in my life. I want to be a nurse. And I just feel like, like I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. We aren't rich, but we're also not poor. If you can help with any advice, that would be really great.
- [43:20]
Anna Cai
Up next is my response to this voicemail after a quick word from my sponsors. While some people like to unwind at the end of the night to their favorite Netflix show, I like to unwind by opening my favorite app, the Redfin app. Because for the last year and a half, Dave and I have been searching high and low in this crazy real estate market for our forever home. And I am so happy to report that we found it finally via Redfin. We'll be moving in a few short weeks and it's all thanks to my love affair with Redfin and their easy to use app. The first step in finding our forever home was using Redfin's open house search feature that lists all the open houses in our area for the upcoming weekend. We walked into this house's open house and voila, made an offer. And here we are. So whether you're looking to buy or rent your next place, you need the Redfin app. Redfin makes it fun to search all the homes and apartments in your neighborhood. And if you find a place you love, Redfin makes it easy to go see it in person. Just schedule a tour right from the app. Plus, if you're looking to sell, Redfin agents know how to get you the best price possible. Because they close twice as many deals as other agents and with a listing fee as low as 1%, Redfin's fees are half of what others often charge. So whether you're looking to buy, rent, or sell, download the Redfin app to get started. You are so right on so many things. Life has not been easy to you. You're a 23 year old mother of a 6 year old, which you do the math there, you had her very young and you were doing very well given the circumstances that you were born into, which sounds like an absentee mother that had you and really took no responsibility for you. So you are already breaking the cycle by claiming the life you want, by being brave enough to voice what you want, even if it's just in an anonymous voicemail to me. But I want you to remember that I think you actually do know where to start. It's just kind of an unsexy place to start and really hard. And the place that you need to start is you need to figure out how to make enough money or find a program that will allow you to go back to school and go into nursing. Money is your freedom. And I'm so happy to hear that you said you're not poor, but you're not rich. You're doing better than a lot of single 23 year old mothers out there. I just have to say think about where you could be and where a lot of single mothers are, regardless of their age. You are so much further ahead than you actually think you are. And so if you are not experiencing food insecurity, housing insecurity, figure out what it takes to make more money. If that means you have to get a second job or a job where you can bring your child to your job, like these are all so tough. I am not here to give you a magic bullet. But you have to make more money and only you can figure out how to do that. And once you make enough money or apply for a grant or scholarships, there are lots of financial aid resources out there for women like yourself who are trying to get a second chance in life. There are a lot of charities and nonprofits. You just have to google, look into those resources and find support wherever you can. Those are the steps you can actively take to get yourself in a position to go to school once you make enough money or you're able to get enough money from a scholarship or a grant to go back to school. Because I think what you're thinking of right now is the fact that you want to go to school, but you don't know how. But you do know how you need to get yourself into school. So you need to take some tests. I don't know what nursing school entails, but I am sure you have to apply. You have to figure out how you're going to pay for it. Those are the things that you need to start with. And sometimes maybe that means working an extra job to make enough money to start paying for nursing school. I am not saying it's going to be easy. It's going to be really hard, but it's going to be so worth it. Because even though you have a child and life has not been easy up until this point, you are only 23 years old. You are 11 years younger than me. Okay, I am 34 years old. I just started living the life of my wildest dreams two years ago, and it didn't come a second too late. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it no differently. Think about where you could be in 11 years if you started today, if you just said, I am going to make more money to put myself through school, or I'm going to go to campus and see if I can work a job on campus to subsidize my tuition. Get creative. Figure out how to put yourself through nursing school. That is where you start. Then get yourself through nursing school, then get yourself a nursing job. And all of a sudden a couple years has gone by and you're like, I am so glad I did the hard thing. Even though I didn't sleep as much as I wanted to, even though I sacrificed a lot of my free time, it was worth it. It's so worth it. Because your future and your life literally depend on it. You really only have two choices. You can either stay exactly where you are, wondering whether you're ever going to live a life greater than what your mom provided you, or you can make the difficult decision right now to go do the hard thing and reap the benefits later. Both of the decisions are difficult. It's just one is going to be extra difficult right now, but make things a lot easier for you in the long run. And one is going to be less difficult for you right now because it's just the devil you know. But it's going to be more difficult for you in the long run. So, as they say, pick your hard. But I have so much faith in the fact that if you got yourself here now to the point where you're already living a life so much better than what your mom could provide you, there's nothing you can't achieve. You are already on your way. You say you don't know where to start, but you've already started. You just have to give yourself permission to keep going. And if you can't give yourself permission, then let my Voice, be your voice of reasoning. I am giving you permission to keep going, to say, I'm gonna figure it out. I have it in me. I don't know how I'm gonna figure it out, but I will. And I'm just gonna keep trying. There's no organized way to try. When I was struggling in my 20s, I was trying to be an actress, and I was trying to figure out how I was going to make a creative living while also making money. And it was just so hard. And for a while, I was making a decent living as a real estate agent in New York and also auditioning. But I was thinking, you know, I'm never going to be able to do this long term. My auditions would come up so last minute. They would tell me a day in advance where I'd have to be at what time, I'd have to drop everything and go to the audition and hope to get a call back. And then I would have to work weekends when I was a broker and it was just all a mess. And I was just thinking, I remember my 20s. How am I going to do this long term when I have kids? How am I ever going to keep juggling these two careers, one of which is really to support the fact that I am not making a living in the career that I want to be making a living in? And I just kept going. And when all of my auditions ended and shut down during the pandemic, I was like, all right, I'm going to make a blog now, because that's feels like the next best thing. I can't tell stories on TV or in the movies. I'll tell stories on a WordPress and I'll get on Instagram. And I just kind of kept fumbling around until I stumbled into this job that I have now. And I couldn't see it back then, but I can see it now that all of those missteps, they were meant to happen. And I can just say, looking back, I am so glad I kept going. I am so glad I was aimless and I dared to be aimless. So maybe that's my advice to you today, is dare to be aimless. Dare to keep going without knowing really where you're going. You know, you have to get yourself into nursing school and to pay for nursing school, and then take the rest one step at a time. Don't extrapolate too much from the current moment. I think life gets very, very overwhelming when we try to think about 10 years from now based on the very incomplete information and the picture of life. That we have right now. You have no idea the amazing, crazy good stuff that is waiting for you. If you just keep going on this path you're on and keep pushing towards what you want, you can't even imagine it. And I know that because I'm living it. I never dared to dream to be where I am today in life. I was actually looking at photos of my first apartment that I lived in with my parents as a kid. And it wasn't the first apartment I was ever in because we moved when I was one, but it's the first apartment I remember because the first one I had no memory of, I was too young. This first apartment, I was looking at photos of it. It was a 250 square foot studio, it was roach infested. The kitchen was literally a small fridge and a gas range with no ventilation, which is really dangerous. And a tiny, tiny bathroom. And my parents and I all slept in one room. And like that's where I came from. And yesterday or two days ago, by the time you listened to this, my husband and I just bought our dream house in this gorgeous leafy suburb of Connecticut. And so much of that is because I was able to make a living doing what I loved in this career that's creative too. I didn't feel like I had to sell my soul to get this dream life that I wanted. I mean, honestly, five years ago I was just hoping to make a part time income from blogging. Being an influencer, my goal. I was thinking, okay, well if I could pay for some property taxes a year or if I could pay for a few dinners out every month, like that would be great. That would be a part time income. And I think if somebody had told me, well, why don't you dream of where you're gonna be at 34 and this is where you're gonna be. I would have been like, you're so crazy and dumb and don't ever say that to me ever again. Cause it's never gonna happen. And I know I would say that. Cause I actually did say that because Dave said to me when I first started my blog in 2020, he was like, what if you go viral one day? What if one of your videos hits a million views? And I said, literally shut up. I am just over here fighting for my life, trying to get even 10 likes on a photo, okay? So don't insult me like that by saying what if one day I could get a million views? He was just trying to be sweet. But it's like when other people tell you of your potential when you're so far from it, or when you are thinking of your own potential or what you want, like your craziest dreams, right? Just say it out loud, like, I want to make a million dollars. I don't know. I don't know what your dream is, but it's possible. And as somebody who was extremely pessimistic, feeling like being pessimistic was actually being realistic, I'm here to say that, thank God I was too fucking dumb to predict the future. And I'm gonna say this to you. I don't think you're smart enough to predict the future. But I do think you're more than smart enough to go after the life you want, and you are more than capable enough of achieving the life you want. Just stop trying to look into the future. Stop asking yourself where to start. You know where to start. You told me actually where you were going to start. You were going to get yourself into nursing school. And I can't wait to see when you're my age in 11 years. That's all for today, Bitties. Thank you so much for listening. If you like this episode, please consider consider leaving me a review on Apple Podcasts. Rating and subscribing. Every little bit helps. Thank you all so much for the support so far. And if you want to leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's episode, you can do so@speakpipe.com brutally anna podcast. That's speakpipe.com brutally annapodcast.