← Brutally Anna
Brutally Anna
Solo Episode: When your year-in-review didn't live up to your expectations and my mantra for 2025
00:45:54
Loading summary
Transcript6 lines
- [00:01]
Shopify Ad
So it's a new year, 2025, and you're thinking, how am I going to make this year different? How am I going to build something for myself? Shopify is how the best time to start your new business is right now. Shopify makes it simple to create your brand, open for business and get your first sale. Get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates. No coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop. Their powerful social media tools let you connect all your channels and create shoppable posts and help you sell everywhere people scroll. Shopify makes it easy to manage your growing business. They help with the details like shipping, taxes and payments from one single dashboard, allowing you to focus on the important stuff like growing your business. What happens if you don't act now? Will you regret it? What if someone beats you to the idea? Don't kick yourself when you hear this again in a year because you didn't do anything. Now with Shopify, your first sale is closer than you think. Established in 2025. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comstartselling all lowercase go to shopify.comstartselling to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com startselling.
- [01:26]
Anna Kai
This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going Cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. Happy New Year biddies. Welcome to this Week's and the first of 2025's solo episode of Brutally Anna. I'm your host Anna Kai and I hope you all had a restful and joyous holiday season. I myself just got back from Florida. I was there for two weeks and boy it is freaking cold in Connecticut. But I'm actually really happy to be home and just back in the swing of things. I kind of thrive in routine and even though I love vacation and I love being down in the Florida sun with my it's always a little disconcerting when you're out of your home base knowing that you have a million things to do when you get back home and no way for them to happen while you're away. So now I'm here and I have a massive to do list and I Just have to say I am trying not to be stressed out about all the stuff I have to get done in the next couple weeks. But at the same time, I think the only way to combat this for me is just to be grateful for the fact that I have work to get done. Because three years ago, before I had this career, I was sitting around twiddling my thumbs, being like, what am I doing with my life? I don't have to do anything. So I was just kind of creating work for myself, hoping that something would stick. And three years later, that something did stick. So to all of you listening, I'm grateful that you're here. You're the reason I'm here. And if you, like me, have been watching everybody's 2024 recaps over the last few days, I want to say that at year was not profound, or if you didn't move the needle that much this year, that's okay. 2024 was still a good year. Even if you didn't scale your business or you didn't buy a house or you didn't get married or you didn't have a baby. I mean, not all years have to have this exponential growth to them. And I'm reminded of the fact of how much can truly happen in a year. So if you're not where you want to be at the start of this year, just remember that last year, I remember I was at home in Philadelphia hanging out with my girlfriends from high school, and one of my girlfriends who had gotten married in 2022 had been trying to get pregnant for a very long time with her husband. And it was a really, really taxing process. For anybody who has been through this or watched a loved one go through this and fail and struggle at getting pregnant, you know how emotionally taxing it can be. And I remember being at Christmas year, and we're all catching up, and we're all giving each other our life updates. And she's like, guys, I'm not gonna lie. This year was really tough. I spent all year with my husband trying to get pregnant and being disappointed and going through all these fertility treatments, and they're young, and there wasn't a clear answer as to why they couldn't get pregnant. And it was just really frustrating all around. But lo and behold, this year, on December 27th, they had their beautiful baby girl, and I am so happy for them. And the first thing I remember, when she shared photos of her and her daughter in the hospital, I was just thinking, oh, my gosh, what a difference. A year can Make. It's such a short time, but it's also such a long time. And this was the thing that she wanted the most. I can remember this girlfriend of mine saying before she got married, she was like, I wouldn't mind a honeymoon baby. And it took so long and it took so much effort. And I'm so happy for them that they finally got their Christmas New Year's baby and the first of, hopefully many to come for them, because I know they want several children. But that's a lesson for you, that if you don't have your Christmas baby, whatever that is for you, maybe it's a job, maybe it's a boyfriend, maybe it's just a goal that you want to hit, that you can hit it next year and you can start right now, or you can start in a week, or maybe you fall off the wagon for the first couple months of the year. And in March, you're like, I really got to get my ass in line. And you start in March. I think New Year's resolutions are great, and it's always nice to turn the page on a calendar year as sort of a definitive marker in your life. But at the end of the day, you can start over and make the life you want for yourself at any time, and you don't need a new calendar year to do it. We like New Year's resolutions because it's neat and tidy. And I think it's also a way for us to look to somebody else, this external validation as to why we're now allowed to start over. But you can give yourself that permission at any point. You can start February 18, 2025. You can start June 22, 2025, any point. And even in a day, you can choose to start again. I remember in the depths of my OCD when I was first going through my really, really bad bout with it back in 2019, I would wake up every day just ruminating and having these obsessive looping thoughts. And it would just feel like my day was ruined because I'd get up at 8 and I'd be incapable of really accomplishing much because I'd have these looping thoughts that were just all consuming and felt so real. And I remember Dave saying to me at the time, you know, you can start over at any point. You can make the rest of your day better than the first few hours. And sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn't, but sometimes I would get to 3pm and something would click and I'd be like, you know what? It's A new day. It's already 3pm But I don't have to let the rest of the stay suck the way the first part of the day sucked. And the same thing for you. If you started off this morning and you felt a little meh, you don't have to let the rest of the day suck. Every second, every millisecond of your life can be a new year and a new resolution. And if you're sitting here feeling bad about yourself that maybe you didn't accomplish what you wanted to accomplish in 2024, or maybe you didn't accomplish what your favorite influencer accomplished on their 2024 recap on Instagram, just remember that you probably actually got more done and lived more life than you're giving yourself credit for. And I think we all do this because we look at what everybody else did and we think, I didn't do that. Okay, well, no, maybe you didn't launch a business. Maybe you didn't go to the White House and meet the President of the United States. Who knows what you're looking at right now in your timeline, But I feel like you probably got more done than you're giving yourself credit for. And so what I want you to do right now is straight up, pause this if you're in a position to. If you're listening in the car, go home and do this and take your year in review. Look at January, look at February, and write down, month by month, what you accomplished that month. And maybe it's something as small as I got on medication or I went to therapy for the first time. That is something to be proud of. Honestly, for all of the things that I accomplished this year that look great on paper and would look great in an Instagram carousel, I think the thing that I am most proud of is I finally bit the bullet and I got on Zoloft. And I will probably never stop talking about my love for SSRIs and Zoloft, because it truly did change my life. But the things that really make the most difference in your life are often not the things that are the shiniest or the most presentable to other people, because those are the things that move you towards the shiny things that one day will look great to everyone else. But to you, you need to do the internal work first. And I was reminded of this because I do this, too. You know, I look at everybody else's accomplishments over the last year, and I think, oh, my gosh, what did I get done? And every year, my agent, God bless her, sends me this lovely handwritten note, and she listed out basically a bunch of stuff that I did this year. And I was like, oh, shit, you're right. I guess I did get a lot done this year. But I'm sitting here focusing on what I didn't get done or what other people did and I didn't do. And I'm just like, I just needed to take a third party perspective to my life and career to really appreciate how much had happened. There's this balance that I'm always trying to find between striving for more and working for more and appreciating what I have done. And I think it's something that everybody is always kind of grappling with, you know, the seesaw of, like, how do I make sure I don't rest on my laurels? And I keep building and growing my business and growing my life, but at the same time not drive myself nuts if sometimes I fall short of those goals or, you know, maybe those goals take longer to achieve. And the biggest thing that has helped me, other than Zoloft, of course, is actually sort of figuring out my faith. And I don't know where you guys lie on the spectrum of, you know, spirituality or faith. I was not raised with any sort of religion. I was never baptized. And it was only after my grandfather passed away almost two years ago that I had to really kind of grapple with what I believed in the grander scheme of things. Because before you lose a family member or somebody kind of near and dear to you, it's sort of like you live in this weird limbo where you're like, you know, death is a thing. And, you know, there are so many things out of your control that are inevitable, but you don't actually have to face it. And through that experience two years ago, I just really realized that I believe in a higher power. I don't know what that power is. I call it God because I don't know what else to call it. But that has really helped me because I've realized that there is only so much I can do, and I can just do my best. But the rest of it is truly kind of a give it to God and go to sleep type of situation. Like, I can do my best at my job. I can make videos, I can create more content, I can create this podcast, but I can't control the outcome of how people receive those videos. I can't control which videos go viral, I can't control how many people listen to this podcast, but I can control the effort I put out and My whole life, I feel like when I look back at it has been an example in how if I just do my best, even if I don't know what I'm doing half the time, which I don't, then God's got the rest. You know, there's something really comforting about the fact that it's not all in your hands, but it's also not in some unknown powers hands too. The power moves through us, I think God and the universe moves through humanity. And I was reminded of the parable of the drowning man when I was thinking about this today, because the first time I heard that story, I was like, damn, that is so right. And that is exactly how I feel about faith. I'd always had an uncomfortable relationship with some forms of faith because it felt almost too esoteric, like I was powerless to change kind of my fate because of some preordained destiny. And when I heard this, I thought, this is exactly how I feel about life and how I feel my relationship with God and the universe is. So I'm going to read this to you guys because it's not that long and I think it's important for you to hear. A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help. Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, jump in, I can save you. The stranded fellow shouted back, no, it's okay. I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. So the rowboat went on. Then a motorboat came by. The fellow in the motorboat shouted, jump in, I can save you. To this the stranded man said, no thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith. So the motorboat went on. Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, grab this rope and I will lift you to safety. To this the stranded man again replied, no thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith. So the helicopter reluctantly flew away. Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, I had faith in you, but you didn't save me. You let me drown. I don't understand why. To this God replied, I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter. What more do you expect? And this is one of my favorite stories and something I draw on all the time for inspiration and strength. Because God can only do for you what you are willing to do for yourself. And I think about my whole life and how I've always been searching for the boat or the helicopter. And in times where I felt like I was drowning, I knew I had it within me to save myself from drowning. And sometimes I didn't know where the help was going to come from, but I kept looking. So it's important to have prayer and faith and to know that things are going to be okay, but not to let somebody else make it okay for you, to make sure that you are the one driving this narrative, that your eyes are open to what life is giving you as a lifeline. Save yourself, girl. Don't wait for somebody else to come and save you, because here's the thing, somebody else is likely already giving you a lifeline. You just can't see it because you're thinking, oh, you know what? I'm waiting for Chad to figure out that I am the love of his life. And maybe if I keep praying hard enough to God, he will turn around and become the man that I've always wanted him to be. And it's like, no, maybe the boat or the helicopter. In your story, in your story where you're drowning on a rooftop is your ability to leave Chad, make a better life for yourself, and realize that Chad was the floodwater drowning you on the rooftop, and God was handing you an opportunity to leave him. And you didn't because you thought, I have faith in God. He will turn this man around. Maybe that's where you're right now. Maybe you've already left, in which case, good on you. I hope you took the helicopter. That honestly seems like the best way to me to get out of floodwaters. But just remember that, that you have the power within you to save yourself and that life, even if you feel like it's all acts of randomness, hands you lifelines from time to time. And it's up to you to see what those lifelines are and to use them appropriately. I think about this in contrast with a Netflix documentary that Dave and I were watching this weekend called Sins of Our Mother, which chronicles the story of Lori Valow and Chad Daybell. If you guys don't know that story, you should go Google it. It's crazy. This mom of three children essentially went berserk and joined a cult almost, and killed her children because she thought that they were zombies. And it started off with her being quite religious and having a lot of faith and everything, and then it just sort of spiraled from there. And I was thinking about her Story in contrast with the college football players and coaches who often speak about their faith in God on the field in these high pressure environments. Not that I am a massive college football fan, but Dave certainly is. And because we're getting down to the championship, he is watching a lot of college football right now. So I'm hearing a lot of post game speeches and all these players really giving it to God and thanking God for everything and really leaning on that. In times of uncertainty and struggle, and especially when they lose, Dave loves to listen to college football coaches press conferences, particularly after they lose, because it is a perfect example of how to handle defeat. These are people who are, yes, very, very well compensated, but are also in extremely high pressure situations and have to win in order to keep these very high profile, lucrative paying job. And when they lose, it's often more inspiring to hear them speak than to hear them speak after they win. Because everybody can be happy and inspirational after winning, but how do you present yourself and how do you face the media and face the music, so to speak, after you lose a really intense high pressure game with the world watching, or at least the country watching. And there is a huge difference to me between the way these college football players and their coaches speak about their faith in God because they essentially say, what I was saying earlier is we did our best, we've got a lot to learn, we clearly didn't do enough. But our faith guides us and we will learn from this. We will use our faith to see what we can do physically to improve our chances the next time of winning. Whereas Lori Vallow and Chad Daybell just sort of gave up their lives to this almighty power and said, God's got us. Also, the world is ending on July 22, 2020, and we are going to just completely extricate ourselves from the reality of this physical world and use our faith as an excuse to commit these heinous acts and just hope for the best. I mean, what they were essentially running was child support and insurance fraud by killing all these people around them and saying that they were zombies and they were called upon by God to kill their family members and it ended in tragedy. And they're both rightfully so, locked away for a very long time. But I think my discomfort with religion and faith and spirituality has always come from hearing stories like this of people completely detached from reality, using their beliefs to commit heinous acts or to further detach themselves from reality. Whereas I want to use my faith to further root myself in the reality of my life and to use it as A means of grounding myself in this physical body and to continue doing what I can do and letting the rest go. Maybe that's my mantra for 2025. Do your best, and then give it to God and let it the fuck go. And part of letting it go is also accepting the fact that I'm probably going to have some difficult times in 2025. I know nobody likes to say that. I feel like at the beginning of the year, everyone's like, this is just gonna be an amazing year, and I'm gonna finally lose that ten pounds and get that promotion at work, and I'll meet the love of my life, and I'm gonna manifest all these great things. And I think that's great. Like, we should focus on the positive and what we want to happen in our lives. But 365 days is a long time. And inevitably, if you are trying to do something big with your life that's greater than yourself, you're gonna have bad days. And even if you're not, even if you're like, hey, my life's great right now. I just want to continue at the pace that I'm going, you're still gonna have bad days. And those bad days are important. They teach you how to appreciate the good days. I was talking about this with Dave over dinner the other week, and I was saying to him, I was like, oh, I hope I have a good year. You know, I hope I keep building my business and I have all these goals that I want to accomplish for 2025. And he was like, anna, you're trying to do something that's pretty out of the ordinary, and you've accomplished a lot. You've accomplished so much more than you ever thought you would. But like everybody who's trying to do something bigger than themselves and achieve more than what they have right now, you're probably going to have some amazing highs and incredible wins, and you're probably going to have some pretty incredible lows, too, this year. And that's just how life goes. And I read this passage the other day from the book Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. And the first part of this passage I'm absolutely going to get printed out and framed and mounted somewhere very visible in my house or my office, because it spoke so much to me. But I'm going to read you the whole passage because I think it is how we should think about our lives, because a life well lived is not always a comfortable life. In the book, the quote goes, but I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry. I want real danger. I want freedom. I want goodness. I want sin. In fact, you're claiming the right to be unhappy. All right then, I'm claiming the right to be unhappy. Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent, the right to have syphilis and cancer, the right to have too little to eat, the right to be lousy, the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow, the right to catch typhoid, the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind. There was a long silence. I claim them all. So for 2025, I hope you claim it all. I hope you don't claim syphilis or typhoid. That would be shitty. But I hope you claim your bad days as much as you claim your good days. And most of the time, if you're like me, watching these college football coaches talk about their losses, people are going to find your bad days so much more inspiring than your good days. I don't care if you don't work in a public field where you're like me, constantly telling stories about your life and putting your days, whether they're good or bad, on display. Somebody is going to find your bad days inspiring more so than your good days. Maybe you have a child that looks up to you and sees how you handle yourself with as much grace and dignity as possible on the days where you have a crummy day at work and that inspires your child to keep going when things aren't easy. Maybe you have a friend that you talk to who is inspired by the way you handle yourself after a bad breakup. Your bad days inevitably inspire people that you don't even realize you're inspiring. So claim them because they're a part of your story. They are your becoming, not your undoing. We're going to get into some voicemails, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. Renew your health and wellness purpose this year with the Reset on Aloe Moves, a curated weekly program of Pilates, strength.
- [27:12]
Shopify Ad
And step goals to kickstart your fitness journey.
- [27:15]
Anna Kai
It's a 30 day, week by week program. Three days of Pilates, two days of strength and 8,000 daily steps plus bonus nutrition tips from Sakara. Plus for only $99, you get a year's worth of access to Alo moves on demand. Full studio experience wherever you are. Get moving today@alomoves.com New year, new budget Whether it's groceries, home essentials or a weekend getaway, make sure you're getting cash back on every purchase when you use ibot. Ibotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop. You can earn on hundreds of items from groceries to toys to tech. The average Ibotta user earns $256 per year. That could help pay off some expenses be put towards a vacation or a purchase on your wish list. With ibotta you earn cash back that you can withdraw to your bank account, PayPal or gift cards. Simply add offers in the app, upload your receipt and voila, the money is yours. You can save on over 2,400 brands and shop at over a thousand retail favorite grocery stores, Lowe's, Macy's, Sephora, Best Buy and more. Join the over 50 million smart shoppers who use Ibotta to earn cash back on everyday purchases. I personally love using ibotta because it rewards me on the one retailer that I reliably go to every single week and that's my grocery store. Because why just buy food when you can get rewarded for also buying food? Right now, Ibotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying Ibotta by using the code brutallyanna when you register. Just go to the App Store or Google Play store and Download the free iBotta app to start earning cash back and use code brutally Anna. That's I B O T T A in the Google Play or App Store and use code Brutally Anna.
- [29:03]
Listener
Hey Anna, hope you're doing fine. So I have a podcast episode request I would love for you to speak about retroactive jealousy. So retroactive jealousy basically means being obsessed with your partner's past. So for example, I have never lived with a man before. I have never been on vacation with a man before. I have been in a relationship for two and a half years but never too serious. Whereas my current boyfriend, he's everything I ever wanted. He's not a chat. He treats me so, so well. Especially because he wasn't treated so well before. Yeah, he got cheated on and he now met me eight months ago. But I just can't stop thinking about his past because he has more experience than I do and I feel so less because of it. I feel so less so. Maybe you could make a podcast episode on that, on how to deal with that. I really don't know where it stems from. I just feel so inferior. Not to him but kind of to her. Even though I do have a great self esteem, but I'm still so jealous that I'm not the first person he does this with.
- [30:31]
Anna Kai
Bye Things I want to answer this question, I have so many thoughts on this, but I do want to make a little disclaimer that I am not a licensed therapist of any kind. So these are just my opinions and I hope you guys find them helpful. If any of you are in this position, and I hope certainly this listener finds it helpful, but at the same time, if you need more than this podcast, please go see an actual therapist. That being said, here are my thoughts on retroactive jealousy. I don't know which factor is most at play here. It could be one or all of them, or none of them. But I'm curious as to what about this other woman makes you feel insecure in your relationship with your man, even though from what you've told me, he has given you no indication that he would rather be with her than you? Is it something about her career? Is it something about the way she looks? Because I think oftentimes jealousy and envy is just a signal to us of something we want that we haven't yet attained. What you envy in others is something you want that you don't have. So what does this woman have that you don't have? It's not your man because she doesn't have him. You have him. So is it possible that you want her career or her level of success and you don't have that yet? Because if that's the case, then that's actually an indication to yourself that it's not necessarily your relationship that's the problem. It's the fact that you're not further along in your career. And then if you focus your energy on improving yourself professionally, then you might find that you get less and less jealous over time of her because you are putting your energy towards the thing that you feel like you need the most improvement on, which is actually not your relationship, it's your professional career. Could it be that she's a hottie with a body and she's got a six pack and you envy that about her? You think she's more physically attractive than you are? Well, then go to the gym, figure out a diet plan. Make the next few months about getting yourself as physically healthy as you possibly can. And again, once you start seeing gains in that department, you might find that you become less and less jealous of her body and what she has. Because I know you say that you're confident and secure in who you are, but I think there's work to be done there. I think that there is something about this other woman that is making you less confident and secure than you know yourself to be. And whatever that is, it's a signal to yourself that that is something you want that you have not yet attained. And again, it's not the guy. You have the guy and she doesn't. So she's got something else that you don't have that is triggering this jealousy within you. The other part of the equation is take a hard look at your relationship with this guy and make sure he's actually all he's cracked up to be, that he is actually as amazing as you say he is. I don't know. I hope he's amazing. But is there any chance that he's giving you signals that maybe he hasn't totally gotten over her? And maybe it's coming out in very subtle ways, but you're picking up on it, and your intuition is picking up on it, which is why you're jealous of her. I hope that's not the case, because I think it's obviously a lot easier to fix yourself and improve who you are than to try and fix this relationship if he's secretly still somewhat pining for her. But maybe that's what is happening here. I remember a long time ago, I was having lunch with a friend, and she was telling me about how great her boyfriend was, and they'd been together for three or four years at that point. And I was asking her, well, do you guys think you'll get engaged at any point? And she was like, you know, maybe later down the line, but we're in no rush to do so. And then kind of abruptly in the conversation, she confesses to me that she actually has felt really badly about this one thing he's been doing, and it was the fact that he had been talking to his ex, who was now living in France, and she found messages between them that were really innocuous, that were not really anything revelatory. It wasn't like he was confiding in her and anything, but he was still talking to her, and she found out, and she said, you know, I should feel okay about this, because he said, they're nothing more than just friends. And, you know, she really needed a shoulder to lean on because this ex was going through something while she was living in France because she had just moved there. And, you know, he was just lending a helping hand, so to speak. And she was like, you know, I just feel really weird about this, and I know it's me, and I shouldn't be jealous because they're not together. I'm with him. So what's going on? You know, this is me and I just said, I don't know if it's you. It's really weird that he's talking to his ex and he didn't tell you about it. It would be one thing if her boyfriend had gone to her and said, hey, just so you know, my ex reached out to me, which, by the way, he can't control whether his ex reaches out to him or not. It would be one thing if he said that and said, look, I don't want to be a douchebag. Can I respond to her, or how do you feel about it? Can we have a discussion about this? If it really makes you uncomfortable, I won't. But how should I handle this? In a way that respects and honors our current relationship, but maybe also doesn't totally cast aside her feelings and her need for my presence in her life at the current moment. But he didn't say that. And she was really upset by the fact that I said that. I remember because I realized after telling her that I thought it was messed up that she ran out of the restaurant crying and she called her boyfriend, and he verbally reassured her in some way. And she came back and she was like, don't worry about it. I've got it handled. Everything's fine. And I realized that what she had wanted from me in that moment wasn't actually validation of how she felt. It was validation of how she didn't feel that she had told me that story, hoping that I would say, oh, don't worry about it. She's nothing. She's in France. Nothing's gonna happen. You know, he's just helping her out in a time of need. And are you doing that? Is he giving you any indication? Maybe he's not talking to her. Okay. But maybe he's mentioned things offhand about something they used to do together or the way she used to talk to him about a certain topic that is just making you feel a little bit like he hasn't totally gotten over the situation. I don't think that we should hide our past from our present partners. I mean, Lord knows I talk about my past all the time to all of you, but there's a difference between talking about your past and somewhat still pining for it, thinking that maybe you can change the past by bringing it up in the present. I don't know if he's doing that, but if he is, that's a conversation you need to have with him. And I don't want you to feel like it's too new of a relationship or it's too precious of a relationship to bring it up with him. If it is in fact the latter here, that he is making subtle comments to make you feel jealous of his previous girlfriend, you need to bring it up with him. Be like, look, hey, I don't think you're intending to do this, but when you tell me that you love the way she used to do this for you, it makes me feel like you would rather be with her than with me. And I don't think you want to hurt me, but it is hurting me a little bit. And to come at it from a place of, I know you don't mean to hurt me. And rather than accuse him of intentionally doing this, because whatever he's doing, he likely doesn't know, and then here's the next part, is that if you're going to bring up this conversation with him, you have to be ready to accept the answer. And maybe the answer is, hey, you're right, I shouldn't be bringing her up this much, or I shouldn't be saying it this way. I'm totally over it. Let's move on. And I'll make sure not to do it again. And then watch him, because if he does it again, then that means he wasn't being honest with you and possibly not even honest with himself. But if he doesn't do it again, you've got to take that at face value. We all make mistakes. However, the other side of that answer might be, you know what? Thank you for bringing this up. I don't think I'm over my ex. And it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the fact that I didn't do the work to figure out why it ended and what I've learned from it. And maybe we're not meant to be together right now. I don't know. You know, but you need to not be afraid to have the conversation with him, because the conversation is going to happen one way or another, whether you bring it up now or whether you let this fester between you two until it comes to a point where it bursts like a gross ass pimple and you're forced to have the conversation in a way that's not productive and likely very heated. One more theory I want to pose to you, and question is, you've said yourself that you haven't dated that much and you don't have as much experience as your boyfriend. I wonder if some of this is coming from the fact that you feel like maybe you met the perfect guy too soon. And, you know, you should be all in right now, but you're just not sure because you don't have anybody to compare him to almost. And you're like, well, this is great, but is it really great? Because I don't know what great is. And I know that sounds really counterproductive because it's like, oh, it sounds like, I'm telling you, maybe you can find better. And you need to see if the grass is really as green as you think it is on your side. But for a lot of people, you do need more time and experience to really understand what you want. And sometimes that means letting a good man go because you know you yourself are not ready for a relationship. Maybe what you're feeling isn't the fact that you're jealous of her or he's giving you any indication that he wants to be with her. It's the fact that you're jealous that he's had this opportunity to date around more, to fail more, to see what he really wanted in the end, and you haven't had that opportunity to figure out what it is you really want in a partner. And that's valid, too. I talk about this sometimes with Dave in the sense that we were both older when we met and had previous relationships. And I joke about, oh, I wonder if you were 27 or 28 and I met you, would it have worked out? Because would we have been ready? Because he said himself, he was like, I really wasn't looking for anything super serious until I was maybe 30 to 32. And it almost feels like maybe it didn't matter who he would have met at that time before then. He wouldn't have been ready to settle down and commit. And maybe there's a part of you that feels that. That this guy is great, but it's just a little bit too soon. And if that's the case, then what you're envious of is his experience with her and not actually her as an individual or his relationship with you. It's the fact that he got a chance to fuck around and find out, so to speak, he had a chance to fail. And not everybody needs to feel like they dated around enough to find the right person and to know what they want. Some people settle down with their college sweetheart and it lasts forever and ever, and they just know. But if you're not one of those people, that is valid. If you feel like you need to date around more before you truly get settled in this relationship, you need to be honest with yourself about that, because then it's not fair to him or to you. For you to continue down this path if he's really sure and you're not. And your feelings are coming out in this strange way where you're jealous of what he had with his previous girlfriend because he had a previous girlfriend, not so much because of her or what he's saying. Whatever your reasoning is, I think what would be best for you to figure out why it is you're feeling this retroactive jealousy is to write down your feelings. Because when we live in our own heads, it's very easy to kind of justify why we're feeling the way we're feeling than to just look at the cold, hard facts. If you take a piece of paper and you write down this is how I'm feeling, it's very hard to then ignore the fact that this is your truth. You can't solve the problem and you can't solve how you're feeling before you realize why you're feeling that way. So your job right now is to figure out which of those three, maybe a combination of all three, maybe none of them, is causing you to feel like this. And once you figure out why you're feeling like this, you can then figure out how to resolve the way you're feeling. That's it for this week's solo episode. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you would like to leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's solo episode, you can do so@speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast that's speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast and as always, if you enjoyed this episode or enjoying this podcast, I would so appreciate it if you would consider rating and reviewing on Apple Podcasts. Every little bit of support counts. And to those of you who already have sent in your support and ratings and reviews, I greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much. And I can't wait for you guys to see what amazing guests I have in store for you this coming year. So till next week, bye, Bitties.