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Brutally Anna
Solo Episode: You can be married to a cheater, but don't date a cheater and why some long distance relationships fail
00:54:00
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- [00:01]
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- [00:27]
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- [00:54]
Anna Kai
Welcome to Brutally Anna, a podcast about finding love, losing love, and all the things we think about but don't talk about Enough. I'm your host Anna Kai, AKA maybe both across social media, here to remind you that life can be beautiful even when it's freaking brutal. Welcome back bitties to this week's solo episode of Brutally Anna. I hope this episode finds you doing well. And if it doesn't find you doing well, I hope it at least finds you trying to be better. And this week I want to start off by talking about two really awesome Netflix docs that Dave and I watched this weekend. The first being the Ashley Madison documentary called Sex, Lies and Scandal. If you guys haven't watched it, I highly recommend it. A little recap. Ashley Madison is a dating website for married people looking to have an affair. So everybody on that website presumably is married or in some sort of long term relationship and they are looking to cheat. This was founded in the early 2000s and reached millions of subscribers all over the world by the time the data leaked happened in 2015. I vaguely remember this happening in 2015. I was 25 and I just remember thinking this is kind of a shit show. It looks like a lot of people's lives are going to be ruined by this, but also got my own to deal with. And at the time I was single as all hell and this was about to ruin a lot of married people's lives. And I was like I'm just trying to get married to begin with. I'm just trying to find a man who even wants to be my boyfriend. So my thoughts were a little bit preoccupied. So I didn't look too deeply and I didn't read too much into this data breach. But essentially what happened is that they took no precautions and did Nothing to secure the very personal contact information of all of their members. And then they got hacked by a still unknown hacker group called the Impact Team. And this hacker group released all of the users names and personal identifying information. And as you can imagine, this ruined a lot of marriages. It actually led to one man, at least in the documentary, to kill himself, which is absolutely horrifying. And on top of that, it was just such the wrong way, in my opinion, to go about bringing down a morally questionable business. I think the hackers thought that they were sort of this vigilante group and they were trying to take down Ashley Madison because they found the platform morally reprehensible. But they ruined real people's lives in the process. And I just don't know how to reconcile with that. What I found really interesting was the first couple, Sam and Near radar are a YouTube couple and their story is featured pretty heavily throughout the documentary. And this is an example of why you should not get married too early. They are still together and they seem to be really happy now together. At least that's what they present. And so I hope that's the case. But effectively what happened was that they met when they were young, they got married young, they had kids young, and they settled into this life that you're supposed to have. Sam, the husband, was a nurse and Nia was an amazing mom and they just had this sort of picture perfect life in their 20s. And Sam just realized that there was something inside of him that wanted more. He thought life was going to be more adventurous and he was missing that spark, that excitement. So he signed up for Ashley Madison and it's unclear how far he got into the website. He went on to say that he never actually met up with anybody from this site. He just messaged with people. Though he did actually end up cheating on Nia multiple times. He really just needed an outlet. It didn't need to be an affair. And I think that's the most interesting thing about why people cheat, is that a lot of times it actually has nothing to do with the person you're with. Sometimes it does. Sometimes you just shouldn't be with your boyfriend or husband and you're too scared to leave. So you cheat. But a lot of other times you're probably pretty happy with the person you're with, but something inside of you is a little bit broken and missing and you're trying to find that in another romantic partner. So what's interesting is that Sam signed up for Ashley Madison and then as soon as him and Nia went viral on YouTube and they were doing all this press, he realized he didn't really care about Ashley Madison anymore. He was like, the attention and the excitement from being YouTube famous was enough for me. It satiated my desire for excitement. And I felt that so deeply to my core. Because I think a specific type of personality that gravitates towards entertainment, towards influencing. I think very few people do social media if they don't in some way love attention. And you either kind of have that in you or you don't. Obviously this is my completely unqualified opinion. But for me, I know I love attention. And I love attention in the way that I like being recognized for work I'm doing. And that's not something that Dave has in him. He doesn't want to be recognized in a public way for the work he's doing. He wants to do good work, but he doesn't need millions of people to recognize him. And I recall from the Wendy Williams documentary, she goes, you know, all I wanted to be from a young age was famous. And some of you may relate to that, and some of you may be like, why some famous people are really fucked up. And they are. But a lot of us are born with this desire to be recognized in a public sphere. And the first time I realized I liked that sort of attention, I was five years old and I can pinpoint the moment. My mom took me to some Chinese New Year kids event at the local public library, and they were holding a ribbon dancing contest for all the little kids and they gave us ribbons and all we had to really do was twirl them around. I actually don't even know if it was a contest. It might have just been like a fun ribbon dancing activity. But what I do remember is that there was a photographer there from the local news, and I very quickly realized that I was a better ribbon dancer than the rest of the kids around me because the photographer zoned in on me and pretty much exclusively took photos of me ribbon dancing. And that was the moment that I realized it feels good to perform and be recognized for it. And I think I've been chasing that ever since I grew up. An arts kid, a choir kid. I've always been performing. And it's hard to tell whether that's because that's just in me and that's how I was born, or if it's also because a combination of I was born bullied and I felt less than in school. And so almost the only way to be seen, heard and recognized was to perform. And to perform in A way that almost forced people to look at you. It's like, which came first, the chicken or the egg? We didn't have a lot growing up, and so I always remember thinking, oh, my gosh, like, what if I went on American Idol and I won? By the way, I was not a good enough singer to win American Idol, so let's set the record straight. But what if I went on American Idol and I won and I became a famous pop star one day, and I could finally buy my parents their dream house and we could stop renting? And I think a lot of my childhood insecurities got wrapped up in this desire to be recognized. And thankfully for me, I always knew that this desire in me could not be resolved through a relationship. I always knew that I needed a career that creatively and emotionally fulfilled me while also financially supporting me in order to feel whole. And I honestly probably would have just kept trying until I literally died in a multitude of ways, because I told myself I was going to quit this crazy acting thing when I turned 30. And I didn't really quit. I just decided to start a blog instead, while hoping I would get more auditions. So I've always been stubborn, but I've also known what I wanted, and I'm so glad that I know that about myself, because I honestly think what Sam Radar needed was just to realize that he didn't want to cheat on his wife. He just wanted to be famous. And that's totally fine. But here is the thing. Don't get into a relationship with people until you figure your own shit out. And I think it's great that she's forgiven him and they've gotten back together and they seem really happy. But you end up making other people who love and care for you the collateral damage to your own personal journey if you do not figure out the missing part of you, like, what drives you. For some people, it's money. For other people, it's creative pursuits. For other people, it's running triathlons. Like, figure out what it is in you that needs to be satiated and find it within yourself. Don't go and find it in someone else. Because a lot of times I think people cheat because they can't find what they need within themselves. So they go find a person that physically embodies what they want, and then they go after that person thinking they're in love with the other person, the other woman, the other man, and they're not. They're just in love with this other life that they don't get to live. And that's why so often if you leave the wife or the girlfriend for the other man or the woman, a lot of times it doesn't work out because you realize you were living in a fantasy that just because you're dating somebody that's doing what you want to be doing, or dating somebody that gives you that escape that you're craving, once, it no longer becomes a fantasy, it's no longer interesting, it's no longer exciting. The forbidden fruit isn't forbidden anymore, and it just doesn't taste quite as sweet. The other documentary we watched this weekend was the Lacy Peterson doc called American Murder. And Lacy Peterson was a pregnant mom who was murdered by her shitbag husband, Scott Peterson, in 2002. And this was really before true crime became the genre that it was. And I was 12 at the time, and I remember this story coming out and the Internet was sort of in its infancy, but this got such big media coverage that it was hard to not hear about Lacy Peterson just because it was so ubiquitous throughout the media and it was in tabloids and anytime you went to the grocery store, you just saw her face and his face. And this story is obviously incredibly devastating because a 26 year old mother, to be along with her unborn son, lost their lives. But what was so interesting, based off of what Lacey's mother said in the documentary, was that Scott, even though everybody was always like, oh, he's such a gentleman, he's so charming, he wouldn't hurt a fly, she always thought it was very interesting in the beginning that he seemed to shower her with love and attention and affection and gifts and trips. You know, Lacey's mom goes, I never really understood what was happening because it just happened so quickly. And he was taking her to Mexico and taking her on all these Trips as a 22 year old. I mean, they had just graduated college. Like, where is he getting the money to do this? And if he does have the money to do this, should he be doing this? And this is in 2002. So at the time, of course we don't have the term love bombing, but that's exactly what he was doing. It's textbook narcissism. Scott was love bombing Lacy so that he could win her over and have her serve his emotional needs. And when they got into a marriage, he was just never that excited about their child because he had expressed that he didn't really want children and Lacey really wanted kids. And so when they got pregnant, he was just never that excited. And she kept saying, oh, you know what? When the Baby gets here, he'll just love him so much, and it'll be so great. And so it's really important that when you're in the beginning stages of a relationship, to recognize what is normal behavior and what is too much too soon. Because I think sometimes we get lost in the honeymoon phase when someone's love bombing us and basically acting like we're God's gift to man. It feels really good. Especially if you've had a couple shitty breakups or if you've been single for a while. It feels so good to be wanted in a way where you feel like you are the apple of someone's eye that you also really find very attractive. But when someone comes on so quickly, before they've even had a chance to get to know the real you, you know, not your representative that you bring out on the first five dates, that's indicative of the fact that they're not really in love with you. They're in love with the idea of you and what you could serve them. And I've had a couple of these experiences in my 20s, and it was very confusing because I think sometimes it's so easy to mistake a real organic connection and great chemistry with love bombing. Because basically what the love bomber does is they just. Just paired everything you say. So they just agree with you and validate you. And so it feels like you genuinely have this connection with somebody, but you realize that they don't actually have any of their own opinions. They're not really telling you a ton about themselves. They're just waiting for you to speak so that they can figure out how to tell you what you want to hear to make you fall deeper in love with them so that they can then manipulate you. And I know a lot of you would be like, oh, but the Lacy Peterson case is so rare. I mean, you can be with somebody who love bombs you or a narcissist, and they won't end up murdering you. Well, sure, I'm sure. On a percentage basis. I hope at least that Lacy Peterson is an anomaly. But there is a very real statistic that they cite in the documentary that homicide is the number one cause of death for pregnant women. It's intimate partner violence. Women are hurt more by the men who are supposed to protect them than they are by the bogeyman waiting in the shadows. This is why we choose the bear. But we don't have to, because despite the fact that a lot of my haters think I hate men on social media, I don't hate men. I grew up with an amazing father. I married to an amazing husband. Not all men bitties, but enough of them that it's a problem. And look, best case scenario, in this situation, if you are in a relationship or you're married to a narcissistic asshole, you don't get murdered, but you get deeply, deeply emotionally wounded. And I don't want that for you either. And you don't want that. So please learn to recognize the signs of love bombing. And if somebody's coming on a little too quickly, you can put on the brakes and watch how they react, because the right relationship is going to be there whether or not you want to take it a little bit slower. In fact, I think if you tell a guy that you just started dating, I really like you. I just want to take this a little bit slower. Maybe we don't talk every single day on the phone. You know, maybe we talk once or twice a week. You know, maybe we don't see each other at every waking moment when we're not at work, we see each other on the weekends. Like, figure out what feels normal to you in the beginning and then posit that as an option. And I guarantee that if the guy's just a little bit caught up and he just didn't really know what he was doing, he's going to be like, you're right. I'm so sorry. I'm coming on way too strong. I'm happy to give you your space. And maybe things go to a more normal pace now that he realizes that he doesn't have to bombard you almost to keep you. Sometimes I feel like maybe people love bomb with the best of intentions because they don't know how else to show their affection and to show their interest. But if the guy does have nefarious intentions and doesn't really care about you and only cares about what you can do for him, he's going to go away pretty quickly. He'll show his true colors. And as soon as you pump the brakes a little bit on your relationship, I guarantee he's not going to like that because it's going to be an affront to his pride and his ego, which is the only thing that really matters in your relationship as far as he is concerned. What both of these Netflix docs touched upon was the topic of infidelity. Ashley Madison has a website based upon the idea that there are a lot of people that want to cheat on their spouses. And Scott Peterson was very actively having an affair on his wife with another woman who had no idea he was still married. And my thoughts on infidelity and cheating in general is that once a cheater, not always a cheater. But it depends because some cheaters will always be cheaters. I firmly believe that some men and women will always have a wandering eye, no matter how amazing their current spouse is or how great their life is. Their. There is just something in some people that makes it very hard for them to stay faithful. That being said, I think a lot of people cheat because they're unhappy with some other aspect of their lives that isn't necessarily their marriage, but they're getting conflated with their marriage because they think, well, I feel stuck in my life. I'm in this dead end job, you know, I'm in this routine that I don't really like and it's definitely my marriage and all of a sudden there's this new and exciting person that gives me an escape. And maybe the real problem is I hate my job, not my wife. And if I just got a new job that I loved, I would find that I bring renewed vigor and passion into my marriage. So it really depends on why people cheat. But here's my rule of thumb for cheating. For those of you who are not married, who are contemplating going back to a guy that cheated on you at one point, don't fucking do that. The dating phase of a relationship is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. If he can't stay faithful to you before you've promised to spend the rest of your life together, there is very little hope he will stay faithful to you in the marriage. Stop making excuses for why your boyfriend cheated on you and why he's changed. If he's a changed man for the better and he's learned from his mistakes, let him go be a better man for the next woman. And I know that's really hard to hear because one of you asked me the other day, like, I feel like I just made him better for the next girl. Who gives a shit, honestly? Because one day you're gonna meet a guy that's so amazing you're going to be glad you didn't settle for this guy who may be a better person for the next girl, but even the better version of this current guy holds no match to the guy that you're meant to end up with, that doesn't need to cheat on you to realize that he loves you. Stop worrying about whether or not your ex is going to be better for the next person. He's your ex for a reason. He wasn't good for you. There was something about the two of you together, that was volatile and combustible and it wasn't meant to last. You will find somebody that is so good for you that might have actually been a shit boyfriend to another woman. And maybe there's something about you that makes the guy that you're meant to be with want to be the best version of himself. And his ex is wondering, oh, is he being so great for her and why not me? Well, it's like, you know what? The right person is going to show up for you in the way that you you need him to show up. So the tldr don't date a cheater. But if you've been married to a cheater who seems like he wants to learn and wants to work and fix the marriage, give that a shot. Because I firmly believe that infidelity does not have to be the end of a marriage, especially if the foundation is there. It just might be the start of a new marriage with the same person. We're going to get into some of your voicemails, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. It's Cozy Season and I'm gifting Cozy Earth this Christmas because A Silent Night starts with the right sheets. Cozy Earth's bamboo sheet set is the ultimate gift this holiday season, elevating everyday luxury into something everyone will use and absolutely adore. And now that I'm in my 30s, I've traded FOMO for Jomo. The joy of missing out because I'd rather not be at the party and in instead in the sanctuary of my bed. Which is why I'm so glad I upgraded to Cozy Earth sheets because they are truly the softest sheets I've ever slept in. They're made with an enhanced fabric and Cozy Earth is so committed to the durability and quality of their sheets that they come with a 10 year warranty. I love how breathable the fabric is because it helps me to sleep several degrees cooler throughout the night, which helps me sleep better and wake up fresher. Visit cozyearth.com brutally anna and use my exclusive 40% off code anna Kai to give the gift of luxury this holiday season. If you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from this podcast. And just remember that the only thing better than a gift wrapped under the tree is wrapping the ones you love in luxury with Cozy Earth. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Holidays on the house at DraftKings Casino. With this season's offerings, you'll unwrap everything on your list. Exclusive games huge jackpots and exciting rewards. DraftKings is offering a warm welcome to new players with $100 instantly in casino credits with just a ten dollar wager. Plus everyone can get in on the action with a holiday reward every week. So sign up with Code Anna Kai because the holiday cheer is here only on DraftKings. Casino gambling problem call 1-800- gambler in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. 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Caller 1
Just want your opinion. I had a six month relationship that ended about two months ago and and this guy, we pulled out all the stops when we were originally dating. We had like three months where we were long distance the beginning of our relationship and he pulled out all the stops. Like super loving, really easy to get ahold of, super trustworthy when it came to girls, all that kind of stuff. And he like sent me a love letter, cleaned up my apartment before I got there. It was like super sweet. And then once we got in person things got kind of weird where he was like still loving in a lot of ways but like was not as excited to see me when he came home from work or just seemed like he was just really low on energy. And it also kind of got to the point where I think personalities conflicted where he was like oh, I wouldn't like trust, I don't trust anyone to like give me correct information, like I have to look it up for myself, stuff like that. And then basically he ended up breaking up with me over the phone on my fall break after he was actually like really unloving for the last week and being kind of not great to me. And then he goes to me the day before we broke up and it seems like he broke up with me pretty impulsively but it was, I kind of saw it coming also because I was just crying a good bit like did not seem very happy with my relationship. And after we broke up he.
- [28:19]
Anna Kai
Booty.
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Caller 1
He like basically texted me drunk asking me to hook up that weekend and he also texted me during my like last football game and something about our relationship and then was like have a great game. Anyway, I'm just wondering what your thoughts are on that.
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Anna Kai
Okay, bye bitty. Here's what happened? He fell in love with the idea of you. He love bombed you. And then the real you showed up. And it's not that you weren't good enough in real life, it's that you have no control over whatever fantasy he concocted in his mind about who you were in those first three months. I met a guy right before the holidays in December on OkCupid when I was 24. And we started off talking and texting and emailing. And then I was going away for a month. I was leaving the city for the holidays, doing some traveling, and he was as well. So we weren't going to be able to meet up until the new year. So we thought, let's Skype. At the time it was Skype, there was no FaceTime. And so we started Skyping and we had this like incredible chemistry via video chat. And it just felt like I had met my husband and everything was going great. He would text, he would check in, and we just couldn't wait to meet each other in real life. And then January hits, we both get back into the city and we go ice skating for our first date. And I'm sure he felt it too. But the moment we met, it wasn't like, oh, finally. It was like, oh, this feels like I'm meeting a stranger that I should know better, but at the end of the day is still a stranger. There was something in our physical interaction and our physical chemistry that just didn't live up to the hype that we both had built up in our minds. And then shortly after that, a month or two after that, he broke up with me. And I'm actually really glad he did, because even though I was really heartbroken in the moment, he was right. The reason he broke up with me, he said, was I don't think we have as deep of a connection as we initially thought we were going to. And I think that's the difficult part about starting a relationship long distance. It's not that it can't work, it's just that you both have to kind of curb your enthusiasm and get to know each other in an organic way that is slow and not based on imaginations. You are a great version of you. You have many gifts and great qualities to offer somebody, but if they don't align with this imaginary version of you that your ex boyfriend concocted in his head, you're never going to live up to that. He's created a fantasy for the first three months of who you are based on what he needs, and then you get There in all your human glory and all your flaws and your beautiful quirks. And he's like, wait a second. This version of you doesn't jive with what I thought I was getting. I guarantee you he felt it, if not immediately, the second you walked in to that apartment. Pretty immediately, which is why you felt the shift once you got in person. And even though you say, oh, I felt like it was an impulsive decision to break up with me, even though I sort of saw it coming, I mean, listen to yourself. You saw it coming. You knew it wasn't impulsive. You were just hoping it was going to not happen. You saw the writing on the wall. And I don't blame you for not pulling the plug earlier, because I wouldn't have either. I mean, I never left a man I wanted to be with in my 20s, even if I knew he wasn't the right man. But he was trying to probably figure out, at least for two months. Once had a breakup with you. And I'm sorry, he ghosted you right before he did it. But clearly he was very afraid of what your reaction was going to be, rightfully so, Because I think he realized he had led you on to believe that he was way more committed than he actually ended up being. And so I'm not condoning his behavior. I just think part of the reason why men ghost is because they can't handle you being angry at them. And it's a very unfortunate quality in people. And that's why I always say, like men and women, you need to get comfortable with being disliked. Because if you need to be liked by everybody, including the people that you do not like or love, you will end up up actually making people hate you more because you're going to be dishonest. And eventually people are going to find out that you're not being truthful with them, and they're not going to like that. Just like you don't like how your ex treated you those last two to three months. I don't think it would have maybe hurt any less if he came to you month four, you know, one month after you got in person and said, hey, I don't think we have as deep of a connection as I was hoping. I think part of that is on me. I kind of built up this imaginary scenario, and now that we're in real life together, this isn't working for me. I don't know why. I just don't feel it. I think you would have been hurt, but you would have been less confused and maybe better able to mentally overcome this breakup. Because right now he hasn't really explained what happened. It's just like you showed up and he just started to become distant. Well, it's because he fell in love with a version of you that doesn't exist. And I hope you know that one day there is a man out there that will fall in love with the version of you that actually exists in real life. And really, I just think, did you really want to marry a guy who couldn't even break up with you to your face? I mean, what did he think was going to happen? There are so many uncomfortable situations in life and confrontational moments that we have to deal with that are so much worse than having to break up with a six month girlfriend. And if he can't even muster up the courage to look you in the eye and tell you the truth, even though he knows it may hurt you and it may make you dislike him, He's a weenie. You don't want to date a weenie. Okay? I'd rather be broken up with and be told the ugly truth than lied to so that the man breaking up with me could protect his fragile ego from me not reacting to the actual truth.
- [35:33]
Sophia
Hi Anna, My name is Sophia and I'm going through a separation from my ex fiance of almost four years. We do have a kid together and we were planning on getting married and I've known him since middle school and I thought he was my forever. He turned out to be a narcissist. And I'm really, really struggling on how to move forward without the guilt that it's all my fault on how our relationship ended. I really just need to know the best way to heal without going back to him. I had made the mistake of looking on his social media and things of that nature and he is already talking to girls internationally and sending them money and is not supporting our son. So I guess I'm just asking for motivation and strength to stop pretty much looking at what he's doing and advice on how to move forward and gain my power back because this man sucked me dry.
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Anna Kai
My thoughts on how to remind yourself of the baddie that you are after a quick word from my sponsors.
- [36:48]
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- [36:54]
Anna Kai
That's hot.
- [36:55]
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- [37:09]
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- [37:10]
Anna Kai
Come on, we've got a show to do.
- [37:12]
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- [37:18]
Anna Kai
Come to me. Focus Features invites you to succumb to the darkness. Ausfranto from director Robert Eggers. Come A masterpiece of horror. He is coming. This creature is a force more powerful than evil. It is death itself. Nosferatu we did r under 17nm without parent only theaters Christmas Day. Special engagements in Dolby and imax. The first tiny actionable step you can take, my dearest Bitty, is to block his ass. Literally block him on social media. You can't block his number because you share a kid together. So you are going to be tied to him in some way for a very long time, depending on how involved he wants to be in your child's life. But you can stop looking at his social media because I think what you're doing is social media for all of us. When we doom scroll is an escape from reality. It's a way to shut our brains off. We look to social media as a source of comfort because it's familiar. We do the scroll. We look at content that's been curated for us because all of our phones know us better than we know ourselves. And so you're doing that subconsciously because you're going to his page looking for comfort. And instead of finding comfort, you're becoming even more uncomfortable because you're seeing what a man whore he's being. And so the first thing you have to do is if you don't have a career with a stable paycheck that pays you enough so that you can support yourself and your son without the help of his deadbeat dad, you need to go work on your career. My darling. Money is freedom. And if you can go out there and get really good at your job and get a promotion and get a raise and keep rising in the ranks, I guarantee you you're going to be so busy and exhausted at the end of the day after being a full time whatever you do and a full time mom, you're not going to have the energy to go check his Instagram. Get so busy with your career, with your child, with your friends and your family that you're just so distracted and tired that you don't want to even open your phone at the end of the night. Right now, you are still holding space and time for your ex and you need to distract yourself with enough worthwhile things that maybe aren't comfortable and maybe they're not fun. You know, maybe it's not easy getting a promotion and you have to work longer hours and that kind of sucks because maybe you don't love your job, even though you do like it, but the ends justify the means. And I guarantee it's like going to the gym. You don't ever feel like going to the gym at six in the morning before work, but you always feel better after you do it. You may not feel like working more and working for a promotion, but after you get the promotion, you're going to be like, I am sure glad I put in an extra 10 hours a week so that I could get the this extra money every month to support my child and myself, and I don't need him. As Beyonce said, the best revenge is your paper. I know your dream since middle school was to marry this guy and raise a family together and do things the way that you always envisioned them being. But what if your life could get better? What if he ends up really amounting to nothing? And you use this as your tipping point towards the greatness that you were always meant to achieve but couldn't achieve because you were being held back by your fiance. What is your wildest dream? Seriously, ask yourself that. And don't lie to yourself, okay? Because I can't hear what you're saying right now. So ask yourself, what is your wildest dream? Dare to answer it. I don't care if you want to be a trombone player in a fucking orchestra. Okay? What is your dream and what will it take to get there? And just humor me for a moment. Just imagine that you can have it, all, right? And then think about, what would it take to get there? For me, my dream was always to tell stories, to have a creative job that I could make my own hours and work from home. And in 2020, when I was thinking about this, I was like, how am I going to get there? You know, the only career I'd really had at that point that had any sort of flexibility but also a stable paycheck was real estate. And even though I liked real estate to a degree, I didn't love that. There was no creative aspect to my job. I was just doing transactional real estate. And so I thought about, well, I would actually love to be an influencer. That seems really fun. And it seems like they make good money doing it. And it sounded crazy at the time, I'm sure, to everyone around me and to myself, girl, nobody judges you harder than yourself. And I guarantee you, whatever your dream is that you're telling yourself right now, you're saying to yourself, I can't do it. I'm not going to get there oh, my gosh. Who am I to think I can be there? Honey? I started off with zero followers, a brand new Instagram account. I didn't even use my own personal handle that had, whatever, a couple hundred followers, because I was so embarrassed that the people in my life would find out what I was doing, that I created a whole new handle, which is now maybe both. And I did it. And I figured out how to become an influencer. It took a long ass time to get there. It took me two years before I went viral and before I started making a real living from this, but I got there. And I wouldn't have gotten there if I wasn't crazy enough to believe I could. So the way you take your power back is to believe that you can achieve the life you've always dreamed about without him. And actually, maybe because he left you, you will achieve the life you've always dreamed about. What if you actually can give a better life to your child because your deadbeat fiance is no longer in the picture? What happened to you doesn't define who you are. You have no control over the things other people choose to do to you, and you have no control over the random chaos of life and the misfortune that sometimes befalls all of. But your power lies in what you choose to do next. And what you do next could either be, well, I'm feeling down and I've got some time and my kid's asleep, so I'm going to open Instagram and check my ex's Instagram page to see who he's talking to. That could be your next move, and that could define the next hour of your life. Or you could say, I have this dream and my kid's asleep and it's quiet. And I know there are a plethora of resources on YouTube and Google, and I'm going to start right here. It's going to be imperfect, it's going to be hard. But doing this is going to pay off dividends for you in the future. Your future is going to only be limited by what you allow yourself to believe in the present. Present. So if you subconsciously believe that your life is only downhill from here because he's not in the picture anymore. And if he's not in the picture, then what's the point? You're going to be a single mom and it's going to be so hard. And no, what if it gets better from here? It's going to be a struggle at first, but all good things worth having are worth pursuing, and they're worth pursuing, even if they're difficult. In fact, most people that you look up to in your life, you look up to them because they've overcome difficult times. They've overcome great obstacles and struggles. It's not because they had an easy life. You don't have an easy life. You're a single mom now. That's a really big challenge. But because you don't have an easy life, you could live a great life. Because hell has no fury like a woman scorned. And I can't wait to see the kind of hell you're gonna raise one day.
- [46:26]
Caller 2
Hi Anna. I am not the most tech savvy person on the planet, so I'm. I can't seem to figure out how to leave a comment on the episode. I really want to because I want it, you know, like it helps boost things and stuff. But I just listened to the episode from November 21 about. Oh shoot, what was the title? It was like your. Your something is your superpower. Your struck. Maybe your struggle is your superpower. I listened to it last night as I was driving home from a two and a half hour dinner. Like I was, I was away from home for. It was. Sorry. It was a two and a half hour drive to get back home from the dinner. And so I was listening for part of the drive and I was like, holy everything. Every single thing that you said in that episode was on point and was exactly what I needed to hear and was so helpful. And so I just wanted you to know that. And I want to say thank you because like, I, I don't know, like, I hope you get paid and stuff for it for doing this work. But I know that like podcasting can be a thankless thing sometimes. And I just want you to know that it matters and it is seen and heard, the work that you're doing and you rock.
- [47:54]
Anna Kai
I know this wasn't a question, but I just wanted to say thank you to this bitty for leaving me this voicemail. I am actually also not very tech savvy. So it was kind of a big thing for me, this podcast because I had to learn a whole lot of tech that ended up not being that difficult, but still more tech than I am naturally inclined to pick up on. And I'm going to be honest with you guys, like this solo episode was just a little bit difficult for me to record today. I just kept restarting and getting tripped over my words and lost in a train of thought that didn't really make any sense. So I had to make all these cuts And I was like, why did I do this to myself? Why did I decide that I was going to publish two podcast episodes a week? You know, one guest, one solo. I could have just done one guest episode and be done with it. But I really do enjoy talking to you guys kind of one on one. I know it's a one way conversation, but I love the thought of, you know, you were saying that I was hanging out with you in your car on a two and a half hour drive home after a dinner. And I love that, that we can have that sort of quasi intimate moment together. And it's a privilege to be able to hold space for your problems and your questions that you need answers for. And to think that my opinion matters and that maybe I can help in some way. You know, back to what I was talking about earlier in the episode on how I've always wanted to be recognized and famous, right? And how I love attention, which all of those things are true. Like I am not above the less honorable intentions of why I do this, why I'm in the public eye. But what I will say is what I discovered through my wedding two years ago was that I may want to be recognized and I want to be validated by the public, but I want to be validated for something I did, for some good I did because I was a girl that grew up thinking that I would love my wedding. I was going to be the belle of the ball, the princess. All eyes were going to be on me. I was going to wear a big fancy dress, My hair and makeup was going to look the best it had ever looked. And the wedding weekend was so stressful in a way for me that I realized that I actually don't think. I just want people looking at me for no apparent reason. Because as the bride on your wedding weekend, people are there and your guests are just kind of obligated to think that you are God's gift to man for a day or two or three. Our whole wedding weekend. And I just found it so exhausting because I was like, guys, marriage is awesome. It's a celebration of two people coming together. But at the end of the day, a lot of people get married. I am not a better person for getting married than the person who chooses to stay single or the person who chooses to be with a life partner but not get married. Like everyone's here acting like I'm this amazing creature to grace this planet, when in actuality I just spent a shitload of money on a party that is really expensive and is a terrible investment into our future. But oh, the mems, right? So I realized through my wedding that it actually was never about having attention because I wanted attention for the sake of it. It was always about being recognized and validated for the good work I was doing. I think that's why as a kid, I loved that that photographer was taking photos of me as I was ribbon dancing, because I knew I was doing something that warranted her to pay attention to me. So in a way, I think I've always been trying to earn the attention and the recognition that I want. And so, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for leaving that voicemail, even though you really didn't have to. You could have futzed around with Spotify or Apple podcasts and been like, well, well, can't leave a comment. So I'm just going to leave it at that. I appreciate you leaving me a voicemail so much. And that is where I'm going to end this week's solo episode. As always, you can leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's solo episode@speakpipe.com brutally annapodcast that's speakpipe.com brutally annapodcast and please, if you enjoyed this episode and my podcast so far, please rate review on Apple Podcasts. Every little bit helps and I can't wait to talk to you guys next week.