Loading summary
Transcript10 lines
- [00:00]
Monday.com Ad
Work management platforms. Ugh. Endless onboarding. IT bottlenecks admin requests. But what if things were different? Monday.com is different. No lengthy onboarding, beautiful reports in minutes, custom workflows you can build on your own. Easy to use prompt, free AI. Huh. Turns out you can love a work management platform. Monday.com, the first work platform you'll love to use.
- [00:31]
Progressive Insurance Ad
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.
- [00:55]
Anna Kai
Foreign welcome back bitties, to this week's solo episode of Brutally Anna. I'm your host, Anna Kai. I hope this episode finds you doing well, but as always, if it doesn't find you doing well, I hope it finds you trying to be a little bit better. And we've had a week over here, girlies. We lost power for about 40 hours, which was not fun to say the least. This has been a hard lesson. I learned that we absolutely need a generator out here in the sticks of Connecticut. So for those of you who are not just joining me, y'all know that I just moved a month ago. We've literally been in this house for not even a month. We closed a month ago. We've probably been in the house for three weeks. And we had a full house generator that powered the essentials and basically everything besides the air conditioning at our old house. So I got spoiled. Every time the power went out, the automatic generator just kicked in and we still had power. And we would lose power pretty much once a month at our old house and it was never even a thought. So I get over here and I'm thinking, let's see how it goes. We might not lose power enough to warrant having to buy a whole ass fucking generator because those things are not cheap. And three weeks in, God was like, just you wait. Honestly, the 40 hours we had without power in 18 degree weather was enough for me to cough up any amount of money I need to get this generator. So we are on our way to getting it. They can't install it until the ground thaws out because it's too cold to install the damn thing right now. So fingers crossed we don't get another windstorm like we did on Sunday night. So Dave and I had to spend Monday in some random hotel near us. And we don't have like nice hotels near us. We have like kind of run down corporate hotels near us because where we live is not a destination. So there's not, not that many last minute hotels you can book other than pretty shitty Hilton's, honestly. I mean the one Hilton we stayed in. And look, some Hilton's can be really nice. This one we stayed in looked like it had not been touched since freaking I was born. I don't know, it looked like at one point it might have been a nice Hilton, but now it was just a sad Hilton. And to put it in perspective, I've truly never stayed in a hotel. Almost this since I was a kid. Like we used to stay in motels, hotels and you know, Days Inns and Holiday Inns. But you expect a Hilton to be like somewhat respectable, right? So I get there and there's nobody at the front desk. And so I'm kind of walking around, I have the dog with me, I have all my shit with me for the night. You know, we don't have heat in the house, that's why we have to go to a hotel room. And I'm waiting around and all of a sudden I hear I'm coming and this dude pops over and he's like, oh, I'm gonna check you in. I was like, okay, great, awesome. And I'm just so tired at this point. Cause I've been battling with trying to keep our house somewhat thawed out so the pipes don't freeze and create a bigger problem. So he checks me in and he's like, okay, here's your room. So I go up to my room and the door in between my room and the connecting room doesn't lock, the lock just doesn't latch. So I'm like, okay, well we're not staying here because anybody could just walk in. So I go back down and he gives me another room and I go back up and you know, as he's checking me in, he's like, oh, by the way, we don't have room service. So if you want room service, you can call Uber Eats. I've literally never heard of that before at a four star hotel. This is what Google rated this Hilton four stars. This was a four star hotel that was like, we don't have room service. And you basically can't call us for anything from your room. But if you want food, you can get delivery. They can drop, drop it off at that table right there and you can come down and pick it up. So I was like, I will not be doing that. I checked into the hotel and I ran back out and I grabbed food and I came back to the hotel and I slept. And we finally got power back in the afternoon the next day. And I was just like a wreck yesterday. It took forever to get the house heated back up. And it just really made me realize that like we have a hierarchy of needs and before the basics are met, like food and shelter and warmth, like nothing else matters. And I don't know why my brain works like this, but this afternoon we had a whole bunch of deer in the backyard that Sawyer was really disturbed by. And I was just thinking like those live out there in the cold year round 247365. And like my fucking lame ass couldn't handle living in a house that was 58 degrees. And it just made me feel really sad for the deer. Like, you know, if I was going to come back as any animal, like I don't want to come back as a wild animal. I'm so sorry. No, I know they have freedom and everything, but like, who the fuck wants freedom when freedom means you have to forage for the one patch of unfrozen grass in 18 degree Connecticut weather in the middle of February? Like I am coming back as my dog pampered as hell and fed human food that her mom and dad batch cook once a month and bag for her. That's the kind of animal I'm coming back as. Because 40 hours without power made me realize I am not suited for the wild. I am a domesticated creature and I'm pretty sure I knew that prior to losing power. But oh ho ho, I have learned it even more so now. You know, it sort of felt like I was camping in my own home on Monday. And I've never been much of an outdoorsman, outdoors woman or camper. I. I am not one with nature. I like to observe nature from afar. I like to observe nature from a screened in porch. I can breathe the fresh air, I can hear the sounds of nature, but no bugs can get to me because they'll hit that screened in porch. That's how I like nature. So the idea of camping or being rugged in the wild never sat with me. So this was not an experience I hope to repeat in the future. And if you guys look at my Instagram and you look at my life, it looks oh so glamorous. And look, sometimes it is. Last week I went to the SNL 50th anniversary concert that my friends was glam glamour. That was with my girls at Maybelline. There was this lovely cocktail party beforehand where they were taking our photos oh, so glam, right? But then 80% of my time is spent running around this house doing very unglamorous things like changing out light fixtures, dealing with power outages. Honestly, just trying to keep my dog away from the windows so she doesn't give herself a panic attack when a deer walks by. She's really very non fussed about most things except the deer. And I will say, if I was a dog and I saw a deer, I'd probably be a little freaked out too, because they kind of look like massive dogs, but not really. So imagine if you were just sitting at your desk one day and you saw a giant human that sort of looked like a human, but maybe had four eyes or something instead of two walk by. You'd probably be pretty freaked out too, right? And let's say the only person or creature that could explain to you that, oh, it's not a threat to you, it's just a schmumen. It's not a human, it's a schmumen. Right? Let's say the only person that could explain that to you didn't speak your language, they only spoke gibberish. So every time they tried to be like, don't worry, you don't have to freak out, you don't have to call the cops. All you heard was, that's how I imagine I sound to my dog, okay? And I think she understands a few words, but those few words are limited to Sawyer, food and pill time. Pill time, meaning treat time to her because all her pills get wrapped in a little pill. Anyways, I digress. So that has been my week. It was a really fun party at SNL on Friday night, and then on Monday it was a really not fun 40 hours. But alas, here we are. I am back in action, recording this solo and I want to talk to you guys today about your comfort zone. And I know I just spent the first eight minutes of this podcast talking about what my comfort zone is and how nature and the cold and camping is not my comfort zone. And I will not be leaving that comfort zone. However, I am actually pretty good at leaving my comfort zone in a lot of other ways that I think matter a little bit more. And I want to talk about this because I was having a conversation with a girlfriend the other day who was telling me about how she's got this situationship with this guy from back home and she comes from a very tight knit community, a small town, if you will. And she's like, look, he feels like home. He knows all my people, he's from my area. I don't have to explain myself to him. And we're kind of seeing each other. They're like kind of hooking up. And he's like her best guy friend, but he's also like, actively trying to get with her, I think. And not. Not I think I know, but she was like, look, the only thing with him is, like, I just. I don't know. I love him so much and I really care for him, and I could see a life in which I'm with him, but I also feel like there's something missing there because I feel like he could be the person I want him to be, but he's not quite there because quite frankly, he's not as driven as I want him to be. Cause she is a go getter, let me tell you. My girl, she came from nothing. Pulled herself up by her bootstraps. She's made an incredible business for herself, and she just keeps going. She is one of the hardest workers I know. And she's like, he's just not like that. He's more laid back. He actually works for her. So he helps her out from time to time with her business. So not only is she kind of sort of seeing this guy and he's her best friend, but he's also on the payroll. And so I said, well, that's not a problem. I mean, I know plenty of husbands and wives who work together, you know, especially in my industry. And she's not in my industry, but in my industry, there are a lot of wives or girlfriends who are influencers, and their husbands or boyfriends run the back end. They run the finances. You know, they're kind of like their de facto managers. Like, they help run the brand that is the person. And so I was like, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with the fact that he assists you with your business. But that's not why you're hesitating. The reason you're hesitating is because at the end of the day, you want somebody who is your equality, and he's not that. And I don't know if he's going to be that. And here's the thing. You could sit around and wait for it to happen, or you could realize that, you know, going and settling quote unquote with him now might feel comfortable because he's from your hometown. But at the end of the day, what is comfortable for you is not what's going to give you what you want. So you can either choose to be comfortable now and Sacrifice what you want in the future. Or you can choose to be uncomfortable right now, venture out into the great unknown that is the world of dating apps or just dating, meeting people in real life, and one day look back and be like, thank God I took that chance on myself. Because here's the thing with my girlfriend is that she really works so hard in her professional life. When it comes to her personal life, she's got some work to do, and she knows that she's in therapy. She's like, look, I don't know if it's just because I don't think I can do better than this. I'm like, no, that is it. That is exactly what it is. You got this guy from home that you know is never going to leave you, and there is weight in that, and there is comfort in that. And I'm not saying you guys should go out and always try and find the grass that's greener on the other side. Don't be going after men who you always feel like are going to leave you. But there has to be a delicate balance. And when you go too far the opposite way, what ends up happening is you're comfortable, you feel secure, you feel safe, but you are bored as shit. And one day when the honeymoon phase wears off and you're craving a little bit of adventure, you're going to realize, damn, I settled because I was too scared to figure out what else was out there for me. And she's young. She's a lot younger than I am. And I was just like, you know what? I don't even care how old you are. You could be 50 years old, 60 years old. On your second or third marriage, if you are settling for somebody because they are the safe choice and not because they are your choice, you're selling yourself short. That, at the end of the day, has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. You are sitting there and you're like, you know what? I can't do better than this guy because what I want might not want me back. So instead of going out and getting rejected and figuring that out, I'm just gonna stay here where it's safe and it's comfortable and I'm not gonna grow, but at least I won't have to find out the scariness of dating in this modern era. But here's the thing. It's like when you go out there and you really do something. I think about this all the time when it comes to home improvement tasks, because other than work right now, and my family like that's all that's consuming my life is what needs to get fixed or upgraded or, you know, painted or what light fixture needs to get replaced in this house. The thing about the unknown and what's uncomfortable is that it's only uncomfortable until you get comfortable with it, until you get to know it. And then I guarantee you it's not going to be that uncomfortable. Like me changing out some light fixtures. Damn, that was scary. In the beginning, the first light fixture I ever changed out, I was like, this is so damn hard and I really hope I don't set this house on fire. But you know, the second light fixture, I got thrown a curveball. It looked very different than the first one that I just conquered. And so I facetimed my dad, who's been changing his own lights forever. And I was like, what is this? And explained it to me and. And then it became not so scary. It became the known. And then I just kept going. Then the third light fixture presented its own set of challenges, but I was getting better at it. So this stuff that was tripping me up before wasn't tripping me up now. So obviously then I learned that there's an endless amount of obstacles when it comes to doing your own electrical work. And then I got better at that and I kept getting better and better. And now, honey, you couldn't pay me to do this for a living, but I also am not going to pay anybody else to replace our light fixtures. And so I think about dating like that. Like there was a moment in time for me in my 20s where I was really flip flopping between the guy I couldn't get because he didn't want to be had and the guy that was the safe choice, but not necessarily the right choice. Because I firmly believe that you can marry the wrong person. I mean, the divorce rate shows that. And you can settle down with somebody who is good enough. And I'm not talking about on paper, like does he have a good enough job? Does he make enough money? Is he tall enough? I'm talking about a good enough connection. Like, do you feel connected enough to him to be with him for the rest of your life? And I think a lot of us feel connected to a lot of different people. Especially if you're an extrovert. You can connect with a lot of different people. You can connect with a lot of different men. I've dated a lot of different men that I could imagine myself being with, but that doesn't mean you're meant to be with them forever and ever. And so that was the issue I was running into, is that I was connecting with men that I felt very comfortable with but not necessarily connected to. And the reason I felt comfortable was because I felt like these men would never leave me. And there is comfort in that. Getting rejected by anybody is horrifying. It's a very scary situation. We are hardwired to avoid that feeling of rejection by anybody at all times. But as a result, we end up rejecting ourselves and our potential and our growth. So I was getting comfortable with these guys, and eventually I just realized, I don't want this. I don't want to look at my life 40 years from now and think, you were fine, but you weren't great. You weren't really my person. You were just the person I was sure wouldn't leave me. And by the way, I've talked to enough of you where a lot of you have done this too. Settled, quote unquote, for the safe guy, and they still left. The only thing worse than settling for a guy who you like enough but maybe don't really love is getting dumped by the guy that you liked enough but didn't really love. Go for it. You know, if you're gonna have this one life, this one physical life on this earth, go for gold. Whatever that means for you. And I love it when the Chads are like, oh, you're just keeping women single because you're telling them to raise their expect and their standards too high. No man will ever be able to meet them. Baby, I am not saying that you need to marry a billionaire who looks like an Abercrombie model. I'm saying that you need to meet somebody who, even if he looks like Quasimodo, sets your soul on fire. Somebody who maybe doesn't challenge you. Because I have many different feelings about why I don't think it's good to find a man who challenges you, but somebody who is there to support your growth. Somebody who is your equal, who wants to build with you and who sees you vis a vis tet A tet. However many ways you can say that. Eye to eye, find your match. Not an emotional support blanket of a man. You can just get an electric heated blanket for that. If you want comfort, go to Amazon, spend 50 bucks on a heated blanket, and that thing will keep you warm and cozy on those cold and lonely nights. What you need is a partner that you look back on in 40 years and be like, damn, we built that life together. You don't need comfort. Your comfort zone is killing your potential. And so if the man you're with is your comfort zone, but not your growth zone, which, by the way, you can find both. Dave, for me, is both my comfort zone and my growth zone. And that's what you really should find. You should find somebody who not only feels like home, but feels like he's willing to add on to that home with you. He sees the home you have now, and he's like, babe, I want to put on an addition. We're going to make this home bigger and better. We're going to keep adding. We're going to keep renovating. We're going to take down that ugly wallpaper. We're going to put a beautiful new wallpaper. There is a vision there. It's time to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. And I said something to that effect on Instagram the other day, and somebody commented saying, you know, I really reject this struggle, life, hustle, life idea. You know, I don't think life is meant to be difficult. I think life is meant to be enjoyed and it's meant to be comfortable. And I don't actually totally disagree with this person, but here's what I will say. Life is not meant to be all of one thing or another. Life cannot be comfortable and easy all the time. If you want to grow, it's called growing pains. It's not called growing joy or growing comfort. Unfortunately, the way life and humanity works is that when you grow and when you learn, when you go to school, it's uncomfortable in the beginning. And so for the people who are like, but I just want to live an easy life, you can't. Life is just not easy by design. Some of us are obviously blessed to live much easier lives than others. But for the most part, the stories we hear of the people who do anything with their lives, they didn't live lives of ease. There's a reason we're attracted to stories of struggle and overcoming, because that is the human experience. You can apply that to your job, you can apply that to your love life. You can apply that to anything. Is that the greater the struggle, the more glory in overcoming it. I did not coin that. I wish I did, but it's so true. And I really believe at the end of the day that you can choose to be comfortable or you can choose to be great. And I hope you always choose to be great, because life has so many surprises in store for you if you just keep choosing the unknown, choosing to take a chance on yourself instead of choosing comfort, stop choosing the man that's predictable and comfortable and won't leave you simply because you don't want to face the unknown. Get comfortable with the unknown, because what you might find is that the unknown is not a monster. The unknown is going to one day be your friend. It's going to one day give you gifts you never knew you could have if you only dare to choose it. All right, we're going to get into some of your voicemails, but before we do, a quick word from my sponsors. While some people like to unwind at the end of the night to their favorite Netflix show, I like to unwind by opening my favorite app, the Redfin app. Because for the last year and a half, Dave and I have been searching high and low in this crazy real estate market for our forever home. And I am so happy to report that we found it finally via Redfin. We'll be moving in a few short weeks, and it's all thanks to my love affair with Redfin and their easy to use app. The first step in finding our forever home was using Redfin's open house search feature that lists all the open houses in our area for the upcoming weekend. We walked into this house's open house and voila, made an offer. And here we are. So whether you're looking to buy or rent your next place, you need the Redfin app. Redfin makes it fun to search all the homes and apartments in your neighborhood. And if you find a place you love, Redfin makes it easy to go see it in person. Just schedule a tour right from the app. Plus, if you're looking to sell, Redfin agents know how to get you the best price possible because they close twice as many deals as other agents. And with a listing fee as low as 1%, Redfin's fees are half of what others often charge. So whether you're looking to buy, rent, or sell, download the Redfin app to get started.
- [24:59]
Caller
So this is pretty hard for me to talk about.
- [25:01]
Anna Kai
It's.
- [25:01]
Caller
I feel pretty guilty saying it out loud, but I'm just gonna go for it and be open and honest. My ex boyfriend was a narcissist and I listened to your podcast with Dr. Jamie and I felt all of the things that she talked about. You know, there was the love bombing initially and we just had that like, really intense love that, that infatuation, that obsession with each other. And naturally that came and went throughout our relationship. But like, that infatuation was there in that intensity. And fast forward to today, a year and a half later. I've been dating this guy for eight months and he is amazing. He's so sweet, and our love is so easy, and he treats me amazing. But I find myself missing that infatuation and that intensity of the love that I felt in my last relationship. And I don't know if it's. If I'm supposed to feel it in, like, a healthy relationship, which is what I feel that I have now. But I just wanted to get your opinion on that. So thank you.
- [26:13]
Anna Kai
I have a very limited amount of information I'm going off of. It's really 90 seconds of your story. So you're gonna have to take my advice, as always, with a grain of salt, because I'm not a professional and I'm not speaking to you, you know, one on one. So here's what I've gathered from what you've told me is that you're missing the drama because you are so used to it with your ex. And I'm speaking from experience, because for a long time in my 20s, I wanted that Hollywood romance. I loved the Notebook. That was one of my favorite movies. And that is one of the most dysfunctional relationships ever depicted on screen. Still love the movie, no shade. But, like, my God, that was not a healthy relationship to be, you know, doling out to the masses as the ideal. And they really did. They said, you know, this was Noah and Ali's love was the greatest love ever. You know, they died together in their arms. And how romantic. And I think there's a whole generation of women, millennials, especially my generation, that fell in love with the idea of the tortured soul, that sort of mid to late 90s, early 2000s hero, the guy who was just compl. And the girl came in and saved him and made him realize how messed up he was. But he wouldn't become the person he was meant to be if it wasn't for the woman, and she changed him. And that's just not realistic. It. It makes for a wonderful movie, but it does not make for a wonderful life because unfortunately, real life doesn't work like that. And I think what you've become addicted to, because we seek comfort in what we know and what you've known for a long time with your ex's dysfunction and what you've become accustomed to with him is this kind of yo, yo, back and forth relationship where I remember with a guy I was dating, it was like, okay, he's hot now he's cold. But when he's cold, you're always working for that moment when he gets hot again and he loves you again. And it feels all worth it. And he comes back and he says, I'm sorry, it's me. You know, I'll never do it again. And whatever. How. Whatever it is with him, whatever he keeps. Keeps doing, maybe it's not, you know, hopefully it's not physically abusing you, but maybe it's just giving you the cold shoulder, not giving you the time of day. And then he comes to and he realizes he's so sorry because all of a sudden you start to want to leave, and he's like, no, no, no, you can't leave me because I'm a narcissist and everything's about me. So if somebody's going to leave, it's going to be me leaving you. But you're not leaving. So he does everything in his power to wheel you back in. Not because he cares about you or wants to be with you, but because he wants to control you. Because you serve to fuel his ego. You exist to serve him in his life, and that's your only purpose. And that cycle can get very addicting because it's like a drug. Love is a drug. You think about people who are coming off of heroin or any of these narcotics. It's really, really brutal. Anybody who's been addicted to anything, you know, alcohol, the comedown is really intense. So intense to the fact that you're like, wait, maybe having a drink just would be better. I feel so out of body sick, not right, right now, that this cannot be better for me than just having a drink and just feeling a little bit better. And I think that's what's happening with you is that you've been given this amazing man that it sounds like you deserve and you care for, and you've been with him for eight months, which is kind of long enough to know that this is headed somewhere. And yet you're like, I miss that kind of excitement of being crazy in love. It's not so much the fact that you miss the excitement of being crazy in love. You miss the drama because the drama was all you knew. And you need to become strangers with the drama again. You need to understand that a healthy relationship is not going to have a story. Sometimes, you know, people are always like, how did you meet Dave? What's the story? How was it different in the beginning? One of my favorite movies is this old movie with Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman and Stanley Tucci. It's this amazing ensem cast. And the movie's called Lucky Number Seven. And in the movie, Lucy Liu's character is having dinner with Josh Hartnett's. Character and they're flirting and you know, she goes, I think people should only fall in love if there's a great story behind it, being that you'd have to tell it over and over again. And I always love that line as a kid growing because I think I was very young when this movie came out, maybe 12 or 13, like barely should have been allowed to watch it. But I love that line, I love that movie. I love their love story in the movie, but it's not my life and I love my life and I love my husband. But the story of how we met is we met on Bumble and we went on a date and it was really easy and the rest is history. There's no great story behind it. There's no meet cute. We met on a dating app and it just felt right. And it's been right ever since. And so as somebody who grew up on the Notebook and Titanic and all these star crossed lovers thinking that in order to really feel in love, I also had to feel somehow tortured, which is maybe what you're feeling. That's something I had to unlearn. And I kind of unlearned that the hard way. I left enough good men that I shouldn't have left. That made me realize, you know what, it's me, it's not them. At some point, it is just you. And I know earlier in this episode I spent a lot of time talking about, oh, you know, just because he's comfortable and a good guy doesn't mean you should stay with him. But just because he's comfortable and a good guy doesn't mean you have to leave him. And I know that sounds completely contradictory, but life exists somewhere in between the yin and the yang. It's all about finding that gray area, that balance. And I think it's so easy to try and pick a side and be like, you know what? I only want the excitement, or I only want the safe guy, or I only want this or I only want that. But really, at the end of the day, what you're going to find is that the guy who's meant for you is going to bring balance and harmony into your life and you're gonna do that for him. And so there's a balance there. You need to find somebody that you're comfortable with who makes you feel safe and protected, but you also need to find somebody who makes you feel alive. And sometimes what happens is that you leave a good man that you shouldn't have left and you have to learn it the hard way. I hope you don't have to learn it the hard way. I hope this man is it and you figure it out. And maybe you go to more therapy and you figure out, hey, it is me. It's not him. But look, I learned the hard way. I left a few good men enough to realize I can't screw up the next one, and I didn't. And they were collateral damage in my story. I have certainly been collateral damage in other people's stories, and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. So you need to kind of go with your gut and see where this takes you. If you consistently feel like you're just not in love with him and you don't feel any excitement, you should feel some level of excitement to be with him. It shouldn't feel scary, but it should feel exciting, like there's possibility there of building a life together. If you keep feeling that it's time to reassess, is it me or is it the relationship? And only you can answer that. But if it's you, it's going to be because you have not yet unlearned. That dysfunction does not equal love. That dysfunction is nice when you overcome the dysfunction in the moment, but like most dysfunctional relationships and families, they become dysfunctional again. Eventually. You can put a bandaid on it, but you don't heal the wound. I think there's more digging for you to do, and I think a therapist is really going to help you. Dr. James is amazing. I'm so glad you listened to that episode. But I also think, I think it's really gonna help you discover what you want inside, whether it's this man or whether it's somebody else. If you go to a licensed therapist who is trained to help pull this out of you, it's impossible for me to answer this for you after, you know, 90 seconds of backstory, but what I can say is it does sound like to me a little bit that you're addicted to the drama. And I hope one day you find out that peace is a much better drug than dramatic.
- [35:30]
Progressive Insurance Ad
Hi.
- [35:30]
Caller
Firstly, I just want to say thank you so much for your podcast and I guess something that I'm looking for advice on is dating while living at home. Post grad. I was on and off hinge for a while, especially during college and then my masters, and I was living on my own for a bit so that I guess I felt like that was the time to find a boyfriend. Living on my own quickly became unaffordable. So thankfully I was able to move back Home. Growing up, my parents have always been kind of strict, so I actually have never had a boyfriend. And I recently turned 23, and I kind of feel like I'm losing out on time and I'm getting kind of old now. But on top of all that, I just find it hard to date, even though my parents are a lot more open about it. My last hinge date was in 2023, and it was kind of traumatizing, so I've been kind of scared to get back on the apps, even though I've been on Hinge for about three or four years before that. And I've had great dates on it too. Just that last date was not the best. So it has been hard. And even just going out post grad, living at home, I don't have a lot of high school friends anymore, so all my friends are all over the world and kind of doing their own thing. And. Yeah, I guess I'm just struggling with, like, how do I date while living at home? Even though it's really awkward now, too, because my parents are okay with it, but I've never had to do it before. Yeah. Thank you.
- [36:59]
Anna Kai
Can't wait to answer this after a quick word from my sponsors. First of all, I want to say this. You just turned 23. You are not old. I cannot shout that loud enough. You are not old at all. I am 34 years old. I'm 11 years older than you, and I feel young. So what can you possibly do in the next 11 years? What you are not. Life is not running out. You are not running out of time unless you're planning on dying at 24. You are so young. And I think the irony of life is that the younger you are, the less time you feel like you have. And I don't know why that is, because when I was 23, I felt the exact same way. I was like, damn, I gotta figure my shit out. I'm gonna be 25 soon. And then when I turn 26, oh, I'm gonna be on the wrong side of my 20s. Gotta find a husband, gotta get my career all figured out. And I just didn't. I didn't figure my out until I was 32. And I'm still figuring my out. I have it more together than four or five years ago, but it's a process. And for you, it's okay to not have that much dating experience at 23? Let me put it this way. One of my best girlfriends from high school dated one man in college freshman year, then did not date anybody again. Seriously, until she was 31 or 32 and just married that man at 33. So it's not about, oh, I don't know how to do this. It's about the fact that you don't feel comfortable doing it because you haven't done it. And it's all about getting comfortable with the unknown. It's like what I said earlier in the episode. It doesn't even sound like your parents are really an issue anymore. They're encouraging you, maybe, or maybe now they're encouraging you, but at least they're not hindering you from going out and meeting people, because understandably, at this age, they're like, look, she's 23. Like, she needs to start dating. Presumably, they do not want you to spend the rest of your life alone, so they understand that dating is a component of that. So I want to remove your parents from this equation because it almost feels like you're maybe hanging onto that as a reason why you're not where you want to be socially, why you're not where you want to be romantically. Because really, at the end of the day, what stood out to me was that you said that the reason you're scared to get back on the apps is because you had a really traumatizing hinge date. First of all, I hope it wasn't physically traumatizing. I hope it was just kind of emotionally traumatizing, and he was just a douchebag. You sound. Okay, so I'm gonna assume the latter. But I say this because you didn't say, I'm scared to go into hinge because my parents don't want me to date. That's not the case here. You live with your parents. That's just what it is. But they're not hindering you from going out and living your life. You know, it's tough. Like, you're at that age where people start moving away and what you knew to be your core group of friends starts to look very differently, and you're beginning a new chapter in your life, and all new things are scary because you don't know. And what happens when we don't know is we try to brace ourselves for the worst because we try to protect ourselves. And you can't protect yourself from living. The only way you're going to protect yourself is if you live so small, is if you do nothing. You stay at home all day, and you. You barely live if you never go out and you never go on the dating apps again. Sure, you don't have to be traumatized, but you're also not really living. You're just kind of existing with your parents. And look, there's plenty of people who by no choice of their own, have to live with their parents or family members forever. Maybe they have disabilities, maybe they have special needs. You don't sound like one of those people. You are able bodied. You are privileged enough to be independent despite the fact that you are still living at home with your parents for good reason. I mean, it's expensive in this economy to live on your own, live with your parents. But know that you can also date and maintain a social life while you're living with your parents. Don't use them as a crutch for why you're scared to get out there. And you're like, okay, well, how do I date while living with my parents? It's just, you date the way you would date if you were not living with your parents. You just do it. You go out there, maybe you go on a few more bad dates, maybe you have some decent dates in there, and then maybe you have a really great date and nobody gets better at anything unless they actually do it. So you can sit here and talk to me all you want about what you're going to do to get out there and to meet guys, but at the end of the day, you're the one that has to swipe. You're the one that has to actively show up to the date, and you're the one that has to live your life, your very long life ahead of you. Just remember this. You're so young. You are so, so, so young. And maybe if you just think of it that way, like, I'm not running out of time. I have all the time in the world, which you really do, then it takes the pressure off of having everything figured out right now, and it makes life a little bit more fun. You get to actually enjoy living and experiencing dating and being single in your 20s and living at home in your 20s, which, by the way, maybe one day you'll look back on and think, wow, that was such a gift. I got to live with my parents as an adult. Because assuming you get married and you move in with your husband and you raise a family of your own, the moments that you get to be full time with your parents are going to become fewer and farther in between. Dave and I lived with my parents for four months at the height of COVID You know, we quarantined with them because, you know, they live on the outskirts of Philly in a house and we were living in a tiny apartment in New York, and I was like, well, I can figure out which I'd rather quarantine in. So we lived with them for four months as adults, and it was honestly one of the best four months of my life. I mean, I was scared shitless of COVID but I was also so grateful for that time that Covid gave us that we would have never had if it wasn't for the plague of our century. So try and experience your life as it is right now and stop predicting the worst. Because I think if you find that, you just allow yourself to ask, well, what if? What if it works out? What if the next hinge date is an amazing hinge date that erases that horrible hinge date I went on? When you start to ask yourself what if Questions in the positive instead of the negative, I think you'll find that you become much more excited by life and less scared by it. That's all for this week, Bitties. Thank you so much for tuning in. As always, if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider rating leaving me a review on Apple Podcasts and subscribing. Every little bit helps. And if you want to leave me a voicemail to answer on next week's episode, you can do so@speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast that's speakpipe.com brutallyana podcast.