Solo Episode: Your struggle is your superpower and other unfiltered thoughts from my hotel room in LA

Summary

Brutally Anna: Solo Episode - "Your Struggle is Your Superpower and Other Unfiltered Thoughts from My Hotel Room in LA"

Released: November 21, 2024

In this deeply personal solo episode of Brutally Anna, host Anna Kai delves into her own battles with mental health, the realities of maintaining authenticity in a curated online persona, and the transformative power of personal struggles. Recorded from her hotel room in Los Angeles, Anna offers listeners an unfiltered glimpse into her journey of self-discovery, resilience, and the continuous pursuit of personal growth.

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1. Returning to LA and Personal Reflections

Anna begins by sharing her experiences of relocating back to Los Angeles for work after a significant hiatus since 2011. She reflects on the challenges and gratitude associated with returning to a city that once felt unattainable due to financial constraints.

Anna [01:03]: "I came here in June for a job and I am back here for a job. So I feel very grateful that I was able to live my true Hollywood moment... come back."

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2. Battling with Zoloft and Switching Medications

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Anna's exploration of her mental health journey. She candidly discusses her experience with Zoloft, highlighting both its benefits and adverse side effects, particularly weight gain and increased cravings.

Anna [02:01]: "I hit month four or five... I got really bad cravings for carbs, sugar, everything and I started gaining weight that I couldn't get off."

Realizing the negative impact of Zoloft on her physical and emotional well-being, Anna decided to discontinue its use. Her psychiatrist prescribed Wellbutrin as an alternative, which she has been trying for three weeks at the time of recording.

Anna [04:51]: "My psychiatrist prescribed me Wellbutrin... I just wanted to talk to you guys today about what I do when I'm struggling."

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3. Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity

Anna emphasizes the importance of showing vulnerability, especially in a world dominated by polished online personas. She admits that despite her empowered online presence, she experiences deep moments of insecurity and struggles that are often hidden from her audience.

Anna [06:00]: "Even though I have been building my community for the last two years, I just really was afraid of starting a new project and not knowing how it would go."

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4. The Therapeutic Power of Writing

Anna shares her personal story of using writing as a form of self-healing. Recounting a painful breakup, she explains how drafting a heartfelt letter helped her process her emotions and move forward without seeking closure from her ex.

Anna [19:50]: "Writing that letter was so cathartic for me."

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5. Overcoming Failure and Persisting Through Challenges

A recurring theme in the episode is the inevitability of failure and the importance of perseverance. Anna encourages listeners to view their struggles as opportunities for growth, likening life’s challenges to running a marathon where enduring the tough phases leads to eventual success.

Anna [26:12]: "The point of life is not to be happy. I've concluded the point of life is to live a life so meaningful that it makes the difficult and heartbreaking moments in life worth it."

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6. Navigating Dating as an Asian American Woman

Addressing the complexities of dating, especially as an Asian American woman, Anna responds to a listener's voicemail about dealing with being overly sexualized and setting boundaries. She offers insightful advice on maintaining authenticity and filtering out superficial connections to find meaningful relationships.

Anna [40:18]: "If you lead with who you are rather than what you look like, the right people will stay in your life and the wrong people will self-eliminate very quickly."

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7. Listener Voicemails: Real-Life Relationship Challenges

In the latter part of the episode, Anna addresses voicemails from listeners facing personal relationship issues. One notable call involves a listener struggling with her ex engaging a new partner shortly after their breakup. Anna provides compassionate and practical advice, emphasizing the importance of channeling negative emotions into positive actions and personal growth.

Anna [42:39]: "The first step to getting over it is admitting that you hate the fact that your ex moved on..."

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8. Final Thoughts: Living a Meaningful Life Through Struggles

Concluding the episode, Anna reiterates the significance of embracing challenges as catalysts for personal development. She underscores that life’s hardships are not deterrents but are instrumental in shaping a meaningful and resilient self.

Anna [26:29]: "The point of life is not to be happy. It's to live and to grow."

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Notable Quotes

• On Authenticity and Struggles:

  Anna [06:28]: "I want you guys to know that I have really tough days and to see how I deal with those tough days."

• On Overcoming Fear and Failure:

  Anna [25:25]: "If you don't try, I'll never know and I'll always be wondering. And even if I fail temporarily, it will lead me to the next thing."

• On Personal Growth:

  Anna [47:16]: "But the point of life is not to coast. It's to live and to grow."

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Conclusion

In this solo episode, Anna Kai offers a raw and unfiltered look into the realities of balancing mental health, personal growth, and the pressures of maintaining an empowered online presence. Her honest reflections serve as both a testament to her resilience and a beacon of hope for listeners grappling with similar struggles. By sharing her vulnerabilities and triumphs, Anna reinforces the core message of Brutally Anna: embracing life's brutal truths can lead to profound personal reinvention and self-love.

For those seeking further insights and support, Anna encourages engagement through her social media channels and invites listeners to share their own stories via voicemail for future episodes.

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If you enjoyed this summary and wish to explore more insightful discussions, subscribe to Brutally Anna wherever you get your podcasts and follow Anna Kai on social media @maybeboth.

Transcript

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[Anna]

Welcome back to another episode of Brutally Anna.

[Guest]

I hope this episode finds you well.

[Anna]

And if it doesn't find you well.

[Guest]

I hope it finds you at least Trying to be better and I am recording this right now from my hotel room in LA. It is my second time in LA.

[Anna]

This year, which is two times more than I usually ever come prior to 2024. The last time I was in LA was 2011. I lived here for three months trying to figure out if I wanted to move to LA after graduation. I decided not to and promised myself I wasn't going to come back unless I had a job to come back for and kept that promise to myself. Mostly because it was very easy to do so because it's expensive to fly out to LA when you are a struggling actress in New York. So a lot of things kept me from visiting sooner. But I came here in June for a job and I am back here for a job. So I feel very grateful that I was able to live my true Hollywood moment, full circle moment and come back. But I also wanted to talk to.

[Guest]

You guys today because I got to be real with you. I have not been feeling my very.

[Anna]

Best, been feeling a little strange, a little down in the dumps. I was on Zoft earlier this year and it worked wonders for me. However, as I was on it longer and longer I think I hit month four or five. I got really bad cravings for carbs, sugar, everything and I started gaining weight that I couldn't get off and it was interesting because my psychotic psychiatrist said that that might be a possibility, that for a lot of people they start to feel better on Zoloft but then they start gaining a ton of weight that they can't get off and obviously that makes them feel not as good. And for me, staying fit, feeling physically good as well as emotionally good was important to me. And I just started to feel sluggish and like I was having these cravings all the time, like when you're hormonal before your period.

[Guest]

So I decided to stop taking Zoloft for a bit and just raw dogging life as I had been for the.

[Anna]

First 34 years of my time on this earth.

[Guest]

And I was okay for a while, I think.

[Anna]

I stopped Zoloft beginning of August and I went through August and it was pretty good.

[Guest]

And it wasn't hard to feel good.

[Anna]

Because in August I had a pretty slow month and I was just able to relax and work, but not work to the extent that I was working in the last quarter of the year. And I was able to spend a lot of time with my family and not travel as much. And it was easy to feel good when things are at a stasis and they're calm and you feel like you have enough time to get through everything. Then September hit and I was very busy, which again, super grateful for, because.

[Guest]

For anybody who is in a project.

[Anna]

Based line of work like I am, if you're not busy, you are not working. So I had an amazing September. Then I got to the end of September, early October. I had traveled a bunch in September and I just started to feel bad again. I felt really, really depressed for no reason. I was inexplicably crying.

[Guest]

And I just realized after two or.

[Anna]

Three weeks that it wasn't sustainable, that running and yoga and whatever, anything that I was trying to do before really wasn't helping. Typically, running used to help me a ton and it just got so bad at the beginning of October that running wasn't helping. So I just said, you know what, let's go back to the drawing board, let's see what else we can try.

[Guest]

And my psychiatrist prescribed me Wellbutrin.

[Anna]

And she said, look, this doesn't make you gain weight and it's going to help with the depression. It's not going to help with anxiety. It might give you a little bit more anxiety because it's kind of an upper sort of like Adderall and it might make you a bit of insomniac in the beginning, but those are side effects that hopefully will subside the longer you're on it.

[Guest]

So I've been on WellButrin for about three weeks now. I will say I think it's helping.

[Anna]

I am able to do things again. It's not life Changing the way Zoloft was for me. I honestly on Zoloft just felt reborn. And it just sucks because I'm just.

[Guest]

Like, why can't we feel fit and.

[Anna]

Physically good about ourselves and feel mentally good at the same time? Like, I would have kept taking Zoloft if it wasn't for the fact that I started to feel bad because I couldn't lose this weight and I was feeling sluggish energy wise, but mentally I felt pretty free.

[Guest]

And so I'm on Wellbutrin now and it's going well.

[Anna]

It is not going spectacularly well, but it's early days. So let's see. I do have a little bit of anxiety and it's definitely harder for me to stay asleep. I wouldn't say it's harder for me to fall asleep, but it's definitely harder for me to stay asleep. And I just wanted to talk to you guys today about what I do when I'm struggling. Because despite the fact that most of my short form content online is always.

[Guest]

Coming from a place of empowerment. I want you guys to know that the reason I come up with my.

[Anna]

Content is almost, in a way, my own form of self help. I can write empowering scripts and I make empowering content because I have felt, and I still feel a lot of times disempowered.

[Guest]

I am not always confident.

[Anna]

I have deep moments of insecurity.

[Guest]

I love my job.

[Anna]

But there are moments when I really don't want to work.

[Guest]

And even tonight I got home from.

[Anna]

A full day of recording and meetings and emails and all I wanted to do was look at home decor online.

[Guest]

That's kind of my happy place is.

[Anna]

Looking at Zillow and Redfin and home decor and lighting.

[Guest]

And I'll get to why I think.

[Anna]

I do that in a little bit.

[Guest]

But all I wanted to do was.

[Anna]

Look at lighting because I felt bad when I got home. And I thought the last thing I.

[Guest]

Want to do right now is record.

[Anna]

This week's solo episode.

[Guest]

Like, nobody's going to miss me if.

[Anna]

I just miss one solo episode on Thursday, right?

[Guest]

And I just thought, you know what? I often think for me at least, that the thing that I want to.

[Anna]

Do the least when I feel bad is the thing that I actually need to force myself to do to make me feel better. And I just thought of that and I was like, you know what? I don't want to work tonight. I don't want to record this podcast. I don't have any notes.

[Guest]

I typically write up something.

[Anna]

I'm going to say. And I try to come at it from an educational perspective, but I was like, I'm just going to turn on my mic, plug it into my garage band on my laptop and let's see how this goes. So here we are, Bitties, fully freeform, Anna unfiltered.

[Guest]

And I just thought, you know, it's.

[Anna]

Important for people, especially you guys, listening because I know you're just the dedicated core of my community.

[Guest]

It's important for you guys to know.

[Anna]

That I have really tough days and.

[Guest]

To see how I deal with those tough days. Because for as real quote unquote as I am on social media, I still think it's a little bit of a facade. Like if you doom scroll through my content and my videos, sure I'm talking.

[Anna]

About my past struggles and how I overcame them. And I always like to end the video on a positive note and I slam my lipstick or my drink or whatever it is down.

[Guest]

And I love that it makes people feel good. But just because you see this 60.

[Anna]

To 90 second sliver of my life online that is coming from a place of empowerment doesn't mean I'm always walking around just slamming shit in people's faces and telling Chad's off. There are so many moments where I.

[Guest]

Feel like crud and the past couple weeks have been a struggle. So I think that if you are.

[Anna]

In the same position I am right now, and I think the holidays is always kind of a weird time. Like, I do love it, it's the most wonderful time of the year. But I also think it makes you.

[Guest]

Really feel what you're lacking. If you don't have family or if you're not able to go home this.

[Anna]

Year to see your family, everyone else around you is a reminder of what you're unable to do. You know, especially online, if you're looking at social media, everyone's doing their year.

[Guest]

In reviews and it's always the highlight reel.

[Anna]

Guys.

[Guest]

That year in review does not include.

[Anna]

The that happens in a year.

[Guest]

And hopefully your year in review is.

[Anna]

Just full of positive moments. But for me, it was a series of really, really high highs and really low lows.

[Guest]

And I'm trying to get to more of a stasis.

[Anna]

I'm trying to get myself mentally to a point where I feel like I don't feel quite as up and down all the time. I don't know if I'm ever gonna get there though.

[Guest]

But I do think, and I do.

[Anna]

Subscribe by the adage that nothing is.

[Guest]

As good as it ever seems and.

[Anna]

Nothing is as bad as it ever seems.

[Guest]

And that's certainly true in my life.

[Anna]

I have a tendency to catastrophize. So if something isn't working out quite the way I want it to, I just assume the worst.

[Guest]

And I do that to protect myself.

[Anna]

Because I kind of think, well, if I imagine the worst of the worst that can happen, if it does happen, it won't break my heart as much.

[Guest]

And here's the thing, most of the time, the worst of the worst never happens.

[Anna]

Nobody dies. I don't lose all my money, I don't get evicted from my house, none of that stuff, okay? But it doesn't stop me from thinking, thinking of the worst possible scenario that.

[Guest]

Is so far fetched and so removed from reality that it's ridiculous that my.

[Anna]

Mind even goes there. And so it helps me to ground.

[Guest]

Myself and say, this is all in your head.

[Anna]

It's not as good as it seems and it's not as bad as it seems. And I think for anyone listening who is struggling right now, just knowing that it's not reality.

[Guest]

Your mental state is not always an accurate reflection of what's going on around you. It is a chemical imbalance.

[Anna]

My dad is a scientist and when I was in college and in my 20s and I would call home because I wasn't feeling good, because maybe I lost out on yet another role or had another failed audition or got dumped again and I was feeling really depressed, I would always call home crying, and my dad would always be like, it's a Kelly chemical imbalance in your brain.

[Guest]

And I know that sounds maybe a little dismissive, but it really wasn't because he was really trying to explain it.

[Anna]

To me because I was like, why.

[Guest]

Am I feeling like this? He's like, because your life circumstances were not great.

[Anna]

You know, it's not great getting dumped, it's not great not getting a job. But they're not as bad as the way your mind is spinning them into be. And so what those events did in.

[Guest]

Your life was they triggered a chemical.

[Anna]

Imbalance in your brain and now you.

[Guest]

Feel extra terrible because the chemicals are all messed up and it's just going to take some time for your brain to balance out. And that always really helped me because it was almost thinking about my brain.

[Anna]

And my feelings as a third party.

[Guest]

As something kind of removed from who.

[Anna]

I was as an identity.

[Guest]

It wasn't like, oh, I'm a sad.

[Anna]

Person and I'm a depressed person.

[Guest]

It's just my brain is reading a little sad and depressed right now. But the neurons or whatever, the serotonin in there is going to settle down eventually. The dust is going to settle and I'll feel good again. I will feel like myself again. And even saying that, like I will.

[Anna]

Feel like myself again, I want you guys to remember that the sad parts.

[Guest]

Of you, the depressed parts of you, the angry as fuck parts of you are you. I feel most like myself sometimes when I feel extremely low and I pick myself back up because I honestly have.

[Anna]

No other choice but to pick myself back up and to continue on.

[Guest]

And then I feel like myself again. It was almost the act of overcoming.

[Anna]

Of getting back up.

[Guest]

That is me.

[Anna]

That is life.

[Guest]

You're not just yourself when you're feeling.

[Anna]

Your best and you're happy and everything's going your way and just your lucky.

[Guest]

Girl syndrome embodied you are yourself when.

[Anna]

Things aren't going your way and you learn how to get up and continue on anyways.

[Guest]

When I'm not feeling good, I always remind myself that who you are as a person is defined not by how.

[Anna]

You handle success and the spoils of life.

[Guest]

Who you are as a person is how you handle failure and how you face life when it's not going your way. And my parents are my biggest inspiration. And anybody who has followed my content.

[Anna]

For a while or has watched my stories know that they are my biggest sources of inspiration. They're my best friends, aside from my husband.

[Guest]

And one thing I always admired about them was the fact, fact that they were endlessly optimistic for decades in the face of extreme difficulty. I mean, they came here as immigrants.

[Anna]

With no family, no money, and just made it work.

[Guest]

Figured out a life for themselves. And I think if they waited to be happy, to start living their life and to start working towards the life they wanted, they would have never gotten here. Hell, they would have never even gotten on that plane to come to the US because there's no good time to uproot your life and move to a.

[Anna]

Different country and start over.

[Guest]

So for me, it's like feeling like myself. That phrase, I think people always use that and equate it with feeling happy, feeling like the happiest version of myself. That's what they mean. But feeling like myself really means feeling bad sometimes and getting over it and.

[Anna]

Making something good out of it.

[Guest]

I don't think my content would be what it is if I didn't feel terrible some days. I just wouldn't have the insight and the wisdom to write what I write and to record what I record without the bad days. I was thinking about how this relates.

[Anna]

To relationships and how so many relationships.

[Guest]

Fail because they leave the honeymoon phase.

[Anna]

Or things get old and the couples.

[Guest]

Aren'T happy anymore because it's not easy. And sometimes that's how I feel about life. It's very difficult to find something you love to do and continue to love.

[Anna]

It day in and day out as much as you loved it the first day you did it.

[Guest]

I think anybody who loves what they do doesn't always love the day in.

[Anna]

And day out of it. And when you first start something and you're in love with it and you have all these big dreams and you're.

[Guest]

Not necessarily looking at the reality of what it costs to go after those big dreams, it's easy to feel optimistic. But I think so many people quit.

[Anna]

On themselves and their dreams because they get far enough along and they're like, this isn't fun anymore because A, I'm not successful and B, I'm not willing to figure out why I'm not successful right now and try something else. So I'm just going to quit. I've had so many people in the last two years ask me, how did you make it on social media? And I don't have an answer for them.

[Guest]

The answer I really give is I just kept trying is that most of.

[Anna]

You saw me two years ago, but.

[Guest]

You didn't see the two years before that.

[Anna]

Two years when I was blogging to absolutely no one. Blogging mostly to my friends and family and a very small group of kind hearted strangers that decided to follow my account that had absolutely no branding and no focus. I mean, I think my quote unquote pillars of content were first home decor and then fashion and then a little bit back to home decor. And I really didn't know what I was doing. And I think that's the beauty of my life, is that I'm constantly starting over. Even though I have made it to a point that I never thought I'd.

[Guest]

Be in, and I've achieved a certain level of financial stability, I still feel like I'm always starting over.

[Anna]

I feel like I'm starting over with this podcast.

[Guest]

I am going to get back to writing.

[Anna]

For those of you who followed my blog posts and my advice column on MaybeBoth.com last year I stopped doing that to focus on recording the podcast.

[Guest]

But I miss writing and I miss the art of thinking about what you're.

[Anna]

Going to say and trying to say it in the most eloquent way possible that resonates with somebody else in a way that they Never thought it would resonate with them.

[Guest]

I think that's the beauty of writing.

[Anna]

Is that conversation can only take you so far.

[Guest]

But writing is an art, and I.

[Anna]

Have found my way out of some.

[Guest]

Really dark places through writing it out.

[Anna]

I remember in my 20s, I had a guy dump me who I was.

[Guest]

Madly in love with.

[Anna]

And I had never done this, but.

[Guest]

I just really needed to do it.

[Anna]

A week after he left me, I.

[Guest]

Decided to write him a letter. And I didn't know if I was going to send it at the time. I just knew I needed to get all of my anger and hurt and.

[Anna]

Frustration out on a piece of paper. And so I spent maybe two hours crafting this really poetic, heartbreaking, probably kind of cringey letter.

[Guest]

And after that two hours, I looked at it and I was so proud of that letter for just so succinctly.

[Anna]

Putting down what I needed to get out.

[Guest]

Writing that letter was so cathartic for me.

[Anna]

And then I thought about whether I wanted to send it to him. And I realized that holding on to that letter would be me holding on.

[Guest]

To my feelings in an attempt not to hurt him, when I really just.

[Anna]

Needed him to know how I felt. It wasn't so much that I wanted.

[Guest]

A response, because a lot of times.

[Anna]

You guys ask me, well, should I reach out to my ex one last time and just let him know how I feel? You know, should I ask for closure? Should I call him?

[Guest]

And I say no, because closure is a myth. If he left you, that is your closure.

[Anna]

You don't need to know why.

[Guest]

But for me, my closure and me.

[Anna]

Taking agency back was the fact that I wrote a letter.

[Guest]

I wanted him to know how I.

[Anna]

Felt, and I didn't care about his response. And I sent it to him and he didn't respond. And that's okay.

[Guest]

It was more than okay because I can't tell you how free I felt.

[Anna]

After I sent that letter.

[Guest]

So all of that is just to say, I miss writing to you guys, but I also really like talking to you here.

[Anna]

I'm really enjoying recording these solo episodes and just kind of these stripped down versions of my pod. That is really just me talking to you guys directly.

[Guest]

And I'm trying. I hope you see the difference.

[Anna]

Even over the last two episodes, I feel like I've just gotten more and more comfortable talking to you guys.

[Guest]

But you need to see the journey. Because I hope what is most inspiring.

[Anna]

About me is not that I was birthed from my mother's womb a perfect human and perfect at social media and.

[Guest]

Perfect at speaking in long form content. It's that I'm doing the work to get better. And if you really want to feel good about yourself and realize that everyone.

[Anna]

Has a journey, because everyone who got where you want to be started from.

[Guest]

Where you didn't want to be and.

[Anna]

Perhaps where you want to be now.

[Guest]

Scroll back on my Instagram to my very first, I don't know, dozen or so posts.

[Anna]

It will shock you how different I was.

[Guest]

And that's where I started. And it's really cringy to think about, but at the end of the day, I am so glad I was cringy, because if I wasn't cringy that way, I would have never grown enough to become the person that's talking to you. All right now. It takes so much courage to live the life you want. And for me, starting this podcast scared me shitless. Because even though I had been building my community for the last two years, I just really was afraid of starting.

[Anna]

A new project and not knowing how it would go. And I still don't know how it's going to go.

[Guest]

It's very early days, but as with all things in life, I just think if I don't try, I'll never know and I'll always be wondering. And even if I fail temporarily, it will lead me to the next thing, which might fail also, but that might lead me to the next thing which might not actually fail. And that's how my life has proven so far. And sometimes I like to just remind myself, all right, you came a long way and you really publicly failed four.

[Anna]

Years ago so you could get here. You can probably do more. I mean, they say procrastination is a form of fear, and I have never felt something more to my core than that phrase when I heard it.

[Guest]

Because I recorded the first 23 episodes of this podcast earlier this year, in.

[Anna]

May, through the months of July, and.

[Guest]

I didn't release it. I just wanted to keep recording.

[Anna]

I'm contracted to record 42 episodes this year for the season, and I just wanted to keep recording almost the whole.

[Guest]

Season before I released it. And thankfully my network was like, we.

[Anna]

Really should release before the end of the year. We can't wait till January.

[Guest]

And so that lit a fire under my ass.

[Anna]

And we released at the end of October.

[Guest]

And it's scary because I think my thinking was if I just keep recording episodes and not releasing them, I'm not going to have to subject myself to.

[Anna]

The public's opinion of this project that I've been working on for so long.

[Guest]

Because you can give your all into a project, but you'll never know how.

[Anna]

Other people are going to react to it.

[Guest]

But that is a form of fear. And everything good in my life has come from my ability to be scared shitless and to do it anyways. So bitties, if you're scared right now, if you're depressed, if there is something you really don't want to do but you know is good for you and you know is going to help you get just 1 millimeter or hair closer to the life you want to live, please go do that thing. The point of life is not so.

[Anna]

Much to be happy and blissful and comfortable all the time. I think that's a myth with this whole idea that, you know, we should just be positive all the time and to see the silver lining and everything.

[Guest]

No, the point of life is not to be happy. I've concluded the point of life is to live a life so meaningful that it makes the difficult and heartbreaking moments in life worth it.

[Anna]

So if you're not happy right now.

[Guest]

Don'T let that stop you from doing.

[Anna]

What you must do. Sometimes making the right choice is really easy. And sometimes making the right choice is really, really difficult.

[Guest]

And who you are is defined by those moments where making the right choice is really difficult. But I promise you that if you make the right choice and the choice that will help you, ultimately you will feel better. I equate it to you not wanting to get up an hour earlier in the morning to go for a run.

[Anna]

Or go to the gym before work.

[Guest]

It's so easy to just sit in bed and say, I am just going to snooze my alarm for another 30.

[Anna]

Minutes because sleep is important too. And I'll just go to the gym.

[Guest]

Tomorrow and it'll be fine. There's always tomorrow. And then you go to work that day and you feel sluggish and your.

[Anna]

Mood is a little off and you.

[Guest]

Don'T have as much energy and you can't focus as well. And you just think, my God, I would have felt so much better if.

[Anna]

I just forced myself to get on the treadmill for 25 minutes and to have gotten up a little bit earlier.

[Guest]

And I'm right there with you, okay? I am on the proverbial treadmill with you, doing my very best, doing things that I don't necessarily always want to.

[Anna]

Do, but doing them anyways because I know I will feel better after I do them. I had somebody DM me the other day and say, you Know, why does this dating thing have to be so hard? Like, why do I have to swipe through so many men? And I'm just so over it. I don't want to get on the apps anymore. I don't want to even want to open up my Hinge profile.

[Guest]

And I think my response to that is, who said it was going to be easy? Who said living the life of your.

[Anna]

Dreams was going to be easy? Sure, some people are born lucky and they live a life of ease and.

[Guest]

Privilege, but here's the damn truth, for.

[Anna]

Me at least, is that I have never met a single person who has lived a life of ease and privilege that I want to spend more than five minutes with. They got nothing to say, okay? Because they've never had to experience life. And the reason why we turn to the leaders and the figures that we do and the motivational speakers that we.

[Guest]

Turn to is because they've gone through some shit so they know what to.

[Anna]

Say to people who are also going through shit.

[Guest]

And your struggle is one day going to be your superpower. I didn't know at the time in.

[Anna]

My twenties what I was doing. I thought it was just a series of really unfortunate men and really bad.

[Guest]

Luck that I couldn't find my husband.

[Anna]

In college like some of my girlfriends.

[Guest]

Did and not have to do this.

[Anna]

Whole dating in New York city in my 20s thing. And what I didn't realize then was I was building my career.

[Guest]

I wouldn't have the social media career.

[Anna]

Now if I had met and married my husband in college, I wouldn't have.

[Guest]

The insight, and I would never give up my career for anything. God, if you told me you would.

[Anna]

Go back and do it all over again and maybe date even a few.

[Guest]

More guys, I would do it.

[Anna]

But at the time, I couldn't see that. And whatever you're going through right now with men and dating, you can't see it. But this is making you better. And I'm not saying that you have to turn this into your career and you're dating into a story and a brand like I have. But I'm saying that.

[Guest]

That it's hard because it's sometimes meant.

[Anna]

To be hard, because human beings, I.

[Guest]

Think, are fairly lazy by nature.

[Anna]

If we are given the easy path with no lessons or the difficult path.

[Guest]

With lots of lessons and wisdom at.

[Anna]

The end of it.

[Guest]

Most of us, I think, would go.

[Anna]

For the easy path in life.

[Guest]

But, God, the universe, life has a.

[Anna]

Funny way of forcing you to grow, even when you do not want to grow. And this Was back to my point earlier where I said, you know, if you're in a rut right now, career wise, whatever, the thing you want to do the least is actually the thing you need to do the most. And the same goes with dating. When somebody tells me they are tired.

[Guest]

Of dating and they don't want to.

[Anna]

Do it anymore, I say, get back out there and do it. Because what you're tired of is not seeing the results.

[Guest]

You're not tired of dating. If you are dating all the time.

[Anna]

And meeting prince charming every single time.

[Guest]

You wouldn't be tired of dating. You're tired of not seeing the results. But here's the thing. You will never see the results if you quit. You will never see the fruits of your labor if you quit your dream.

[Anna]

Job before you become successful, and you.

[Guest]

Will never see the fruits of dealing.

[Anna]

With all the chads in your past.

[Guest]

If you quit before you find your prince charming.

[Anna]

Who, as my parents used to say when I was in the depths of.

[Guest]

My despair in my 20s, he's out there, too, looking for you. He just got lost in the forest along the way, and he's really confused as to which direction to turn in. And I think about that, and I.

[Anna]

Just kind of smile now, because even though I know that was something they were just trying to tell me in the time, it actually really helped because I was like, there is one person out there that I'm going to marry, and he hasn't met me yet.

[Guest]

And that is probably equally as frustrating for him. What I didn't realize was that that ended up actually kind of being true.

[Anna]

My husband Dave was single for four.

[Guest]

And a half years before he met me. So he got lost for four and a half years.

[Anna]

And I needed those four and a half years to date a lot of men.

[Guest]

What I really wanted in life and what I thought I used to want.

[Anna]

Was somebody a little bit tortured, you know, somebody who was, quote, unquote, interesting. I've always been a little bit of a sucker for the brooding, emotional man that I had to fix a little bit. But what I really needed was a man who was not perfect, but willing to fix himself, which is my husband now. And so I tell you guys that if you are tired of dating, do it anyways. Nobody says you have to not be tired to do something. Some of the greatest things we all achieve in life come from those moments in the final hour when you're so tired. It's mile 25 out of 26.2 in the marathon, and all you want to do is quit because you're like, I've come far enough. No, you haven't. Cross the finish line. You will get there, okay? But keep running, because the only way you fail is if you stop.

[Guest]

Failure is temporary.

[Anna]

It is a temporary station that your train of your life stops at. And if you get off at that.

[Guest]

Station, that is where you end up forever. So if you're stopping at the station of failure right now, don't get off the train. Keep going, even though the train is.

[Anna]

Kind of stinky and it's miserable and it doesn't have good food. And no, you're not in Amtrak's Acela. You're not even in their coach class. Maybe you're riding in cargo right now. I don't know. You're not in a fancy train, but keep riding in, because one of the stops will be success, whatever that looks like for you. And that's when you should get off. But don't quit before you get there. All right, Betty, we're gonna get into some voicemails.

[Kim]

Hi, Anna. My name is Kim. I just want to thank you for starting your podcast because I absolutely love it. Found you on TikTok, and I just think you're amazing. So what I wanted to get advice on today is how to deal with men and dating as an Asian American. So I just got out of a long relationship with someone who I found out was a narcissist. So I've been in therapy, and that's super difficult. If you ever want to hear the story on that, you'll have to let me know because I guarantee you it's the most bizarre breakup story ever. But aside from that, I just feel like as a Korean American, probably since about high school, you know, and I started to date or, you know, after puberty. It.

[Anna]

It's.

[Kim]

I just feel like Asian American women are overly sexualized, especially living in the Southeast, like in a very southern area. My type has always been, like, southern white men. I don't know why, but it has. And I feel like they're the worst for exactly what I'm talking about. I'm starting to realize that. But how, when dating, do you retain being who you are, being sexy, but also setting boundaries to not attract those types of men that want to over sexualize you or just view as a challenge. Thank you.

[Anna]

Hey, girl. Hey. Okay, so a couple things that I want to touch upon before I actually answer your question. When you said I am attracted mostly to southern white men. I don't know why, girl.

[Guest]

I know why, because that's all you're surrounded with, with.

[Anna]

And by the sound of your accent.

[Guest]

It sounds like you grew up in.

[Anna]

The south around Southern white men. And I thought a lot about the types of people we're attracted to and why we're attracted to them. Because everybody's attracted to a certain type of race, whether it's their own race, a different race, a certain kind of look. And I feel like Asian women get a lot of heat for dating white guys because it's like stereotypical Asian woman and a white guy.

[Guest]

But it's like, dude, you would never say that to a white woman dating an Asian man or a black man. I used to get so frustrated when men would ask me, well, what do you typically date? Like, what kind of guys do you typically date?

[Anna]

Do you typically date Asian guys or white guys?

[Guest]

Because, like, somehow my answer would satisfy or resolve a certain part of my.

[Anna]

Personality for them so that they wouldn't actually have to get to know me.

[Guest]

It's very diminishing in a way because I think when somebody asks you what.

[Anna]

Type of guy are you into, they're.

[Guest]

Trying to determine who you are before.

[Anna]

Actually getting to know you. It's reductive. But I don't think you should feel badly for being attracted to Southern white men. I think social media, if you look at it, will make you feel bad for being attracted to Southern white men.

[Guest]

And I feel like I sensed just a little hint of, I don't know.

[Anna]

What it was like self deprecation in that when you were like, I am attracted to Southern white men. I mean, I don't know why.

[Guest]

It's like, well, you know what, some.

[Anna]

Southern white men are sexy as fuck, okay? So that is fine. You can be attracted to them. You cannot help who you're attracted to. So don't make apologies on that front. Now to your question. How do you stop getting objectified by these Southern white men that you're attracted to?

[Guest]

I'm just going to throw this out.

[Anna]

There because I feel like I had this growing up and I felt very much similarly when I was in high school. I was bullied for a good portion of middle school and the early part of high school, and then I hit puberty. And all of a sudden the guys.

[Guest]

Who were making fun of me two.

[Anna]

Years earlier in middle school were now attracted to me.

[Guest]

And I realized that there was power in how I looked. And for the first time in my.

[Anna]

Life, when I 16 or 17, I realized that I did have power, that I had agency. And I'd always felt powerless growing up As a kid, as the only Asian kid in a very white area.

[Guest]

And so that felt good. It felt good to be wanted after a lifetime, up until that point, of being unwanted.

[Anna]

And I equated my feeling of belonging.

[Guest]

Of worthiness, of value as a human.

[Anna]

To my sex appeal, to how I looked.

[Guest]

Because it always felt like, well, if.

[Anna]

I hadn't hit puberty and if men weren't attracted to me, I would still be living a shitty life. But now I have pretty privilege, so that's what I'm worth. That it almost at the end of.

[Guest]

The day, my personality, yeah, that's, that's sort of important.

[Anna]

But really how I look is the.

[Guest]

Most important thing about me.

[Anna]

And in doing that, I ended up objectifying myself. And when you subconsciously objectify yourself and you lead with that, that's what other.

[Guest]

People see in you, you end up attracting how you feel. And so I hope you don't think.

[Anna]

I'm victim blaming here, because I'm not trying to blame you for the fact that these men are object defying you. I'm just saying that ultimately you cannot.

[Guest]

Control how other people see you, but you can control how you see yourself. And I think a lot of what other people see in us, especially in the early stages of dating, when they're.

[Anna]

Not getting the full picture, they're just seeing kind of the highlight reel of who we are on these dates, is.

[Guest]

What you decide to provide them with, what information you give them. And for me, I only met my husband after I realized that how I looked was the least interesting thing about me. That what I overcame, what I did for my career, what I was trying to do in the future, was more.

[Anna]

Important than how I looked.

[Guest]

Yes, of course physical attraction is important and everybody wants to feel physically beautiful. But that is not the best thing about us women, despite the fact that.

[Anna]

For so long we have been taught that that is the most important thing.

[Guest]

And so you cannot control how somebody sees you, but you can control the information you give them about yourself in the beginning. And I guarantee if you lead with who you are rather than what you look like, the right people will stay in your life and the wrong people will self eliminate very quickly. So the question is not so much.

[Anna]

How do you handle dating as an Asian American woman and not letting these southern white men objectify you.

[Guest]

The question then becomes, how do you date in a way where you filter out those men quickly enough so that you can find the man and the only one man that matters and sees you for who you are in its totality? Not just being a sexy Asian American.

[Anna]

Woman, but also one that has so.

[Guest]

Much more to offer than that.

[Anna]

And so the faster you eliminate, the faster you will get to your husband.

[Guest]

Godspeed. It's the wild wild west out there.

[Anna]

But at the end of the day, as I said, you only need one. And you'll get there.

[Caller]

Hi, I have a question. I don't know what to do. I currently have a five month old baby and my now ex, the father of my children, is recently dating somebody else and I came to find out that he's engaged and I don't know how to feel about it. What should I do? Or how do I get over this?

[Anna]

Okay, I think you do know how to feel about it and I think.

[Guest]

You feel like shit, but you don't.

[Anna]

Want to admit that to yourself.

[Guest]

So you keep saying I don't know.

[Anna]

How to feel about it.

[Guest]

I mean, you know how you feel. You don't feel feel good. If you felt good about it, you.

[Anna]

Wouldn'T be here talking to me right now.

[Guest]

And I love that you're coming to.

[Anna]

Me, but honey, you don't feel good. So the first step to getting over.

[Guest]

It is admitting that you hate the.

[Anna]

Fact that your ex moved on and that you still have to be tied to him in some way because of.

[Guest]

This child that you share.

[Anna]

And I think it's really important that you admit to yourself that you don't feel good because so much of the time we run away from our negative feelings. We try to be the strong, independent woman that doesn't care. You know what, he can do whatever he wants, he can move on. I don't care. I got me, I got my child. I'm not going to let myself feel those feelings. And what ends up happening is that you feel them and they come out in the weirdest, sometimes most self destructive ways.

[Guest]

Your job right now is to allow.

[Anna]

Yourself to feel bad because it's a really difficult situation. I imagine that if you're calling in, you still love and care for your ex in some capacity and it's really hard watching someone you love love someone else. So to your question, how do I get over this? Now that this is a fact of.

[Guest]

My life, my best piece of advice.

[Anna]

To how to get over a man or how to get over a shitty.

[Guest]

Situation in life is to get moving.

[Anna]

Go do something to better yourself. Use this anger, hurt and sadness that.

[Guest]

You feel to fuel you rather than hinder you from getting to the next stage of your life. Truly, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and some of the most, most inspirational women that I listened to got to be where they were because they got screwed over by a man. They didn't get what they deserved and they were like, oh, hell no, I.

[Anna]

Am not settling for this. This is not where my story ends.

[Guest]

This is where it begins. Women need to arm themselves with life skills on a very practical level. Go get really good at something and then make a living from it. Go get really good at your job. Use all the time that you're not spending with your ex to become the best mother you can be to your five month old. And also become the best employee or business owner or whatever it is that you're doing right now because that will afford you the opportunity to live a better life for you and your five month old child. And the more you pour yourself into your career and your baby, the less time you will have to dwell on.

[Anna]

The fact that your ex is out there living another life.

[Guest]

And eventually this becomes a habit. It's going to be really difficult at.

[Anna]

First because what you're going to be.

[Guest]

Feeling is, I hate the fact that.

[Anna]

My ex has moved on and I am working a job that I don't really want to be doing right now because maybe I'm not where I want to be and all I want to do is run back to my ex and have him take me back and make everything okay again. But it's never going to be like that.

[Guest]

So it's going to be shitty for a while. But if you can get through that shitty part, I promise you there is.

[Anna]

A better version of you waiting on the other side of that for you.

[Guest]

And your child than where you are right now.

[Anna]

I want you to think about finding out that your ex is moving on and engaged to marry somebody else as.

[Guest]

The catalyst you needed in your life.

[Anna]

To go go make the best change for yourself.

[Guest]

Just look at yourself in 10 years. And I hope what you're seeing is that 10 years from now you're going.

[Anna]

To look back at this version of yourself today and be like, I am.

[Guest]

So glad my ex didn't stay and.

[Anna]

That he married that other girl.

[Guest]

Because Lord knows I wouldn't have made it this far if he had stayed with me. Because him staying with me would have been the comfortable choice. Choice. But it wouldn't have been the choice that led to growth.

[Anna]

And we are here to grow. You can exist.

[Guest]

It's very easy to exist in life.

[Anna]

When we're born, we exist. And you can just coast through life existing and not doing anything or doing the bare minimum to survive.

[Guest]

But the point of life is not to coast. It's to live and to grow. And growth is painful and it usually.

[Anna]

Doesn'T come in the form of a nice tidy lesson that you can say.

[Guest]

Oh yeah, thanks for that lesson.

[Anna]

That was a really easy way for me to learn that lesson of why I maybe needed to go get a.

[Guest]

Better job or needed to get back.

[Anna]

Into shape or xyz. All these things I needed to do but have been procrastinating doing because they're hard. I know if I do them and I keep doing them, I'll feel better.

[Guest]

But they're hard, right? So your ex is this catalyst you need in your life to go become the better version.

[Anna]

It's less about how am I going to survive my life without him in my life, knowing that he's moved on and is happy, presumably.

[Guest]

And more about how is my life going to thrive now that he's no longer in the way of my growth.

[Anna]

I hope you think of it that way. And I actually cannot wait to see how you grow.

[Guest]

That's all for today, Bitties. Thank you so much for listening. Honestly, talking to you guys and giving.

[Anna]

You advice is just as therapeutic for me as I hope it is therapeutic for you. So thank you as always for being here. I am so grateful for this community. And if you want to leave me.

[Guest]

A voicemail to answer on the next.

[Anna]

Episode, you can go to speakpipe.com brutallyannapodcast and leave me a voicemail straight off of your phone.

[Guest]

And if you enjoyed this episode, I.

[Anna]

Would really appreciate it from the bottom.

[Guest]

Of my heart if you would rate.

[Anna]

And review and subscribe. I'll see you next week.

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