Podcast Summary: Brutally Anna – The Myth of the Soulmate
Host: Anna Kai
Date: November 7, 2025
Episode Overview
In this brutally honest episode, Anna Kai challenges the popular notion of soulmates and the cultural myths we attach to romantic relationships. Through candid storytelling, sharp observations, and relatable metaphors, Anna explores why the ideology of being "meant to be" with one person may be more harmful than helpful. She advocates for conscious choice, growth, and personal agency over fate-driven narratives, while also addressing the broader social context influencing these beliefs.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Debunking "The Soulmate" Myth
- Anna kicks off with a stark truth:
“Just because you call someone your soulmate doesn't mean they're not going to fuck you over. I speak from experience.”—[00:31]
- She points out the emptiness in designations like soulmate or twin flame, describing them as "bullshit, at least in my humble opinion."—[01:20]
- Anna questions celebrity couples who publicly define each other with mystical labels ("twin flame") and admits her disdain for these terms:
“If I don't like the word soulmate, you bet your ass I fucking hate the word twin flame. What the fuck is that?”—[01:43]
- Relationships, she argues, should be about conscious decisions, not destiny:
"I believe in meeting somebody and feeling a connection and seeing what life you can build together. Not because you were fated to meet each other or destined or preordained, but because both of you chose to make a conscious decision to be together.”—[01:54]
2. The Reality of Marriage and Relationship Work
- Anna pushes back on two extremes:
- Fairytale soulmate/twin flame fables that keep people stuck
- The cliché that “marriage is hard work”
- Her take:
“I do not find marriage hard. I find life hard. Life is just hard sometimes. And when you're married, you have to face that hard together.”—[04:50]
- The real "test" of marriage is not some mystical bond, but whether partners can confront life's hardships as a team
3. Soulmate Label as a Relationship Trap
- Anna points out how people (especially women) use the soulmate label to justify staying in incompatible or unhealthy situations:
“I've never met a guy who's been like, ‘Well, she's my soulmate.’ ... [Women] use that phrase to trap themselves into unhealthy relationships.”—[12:21]
- She notes it's rarely used in reverse, attributing part of this to how men are taught to have agency, while women are conditioned to "wait to be picked."
- The "pick me girl" phenomenon is dissected as both a symptom and a result of wider cultural and social structures that perpetuate gendered power dynamics—[13:51]
4. Societal Pressures, Choices, and Value
- Anna broadens the conversation by drawing a parallel with pornography and sex work:
“When we are in a society that rewards that behavior not just with our attention, but literally with our dollars and cents... to say that all of the women and men who are on OnlyFans or who have turned to actual physical sex work... are morally bankrupt, I think that's a little bit blaming the victim.”—[16:41]
- She acknowledges her own privilege and refuses to pass judgment on people who choose differently under pressure, reinforcing the importance of not criticizing those making hard choices in difficult circumstances
5. The Dangers of Words—and How Labels Shape Reality
- Anna stresses that language matters:
“If that word is prohibiting you from actually treating the person you’re with like a human or prohibiting you from leaving the person who is not treating you like a human… then that’s a problem. Because language matters. Words matter.”—[31:46]
- Memorable quote on emotional abuse:
“You do not have to get physically beaten up to be over by somebody. And that's why emotional abuse is a thing.”—[33:27]
6. Growing through Relationships, Not Clinging to Soulmates
- Anna reframes soulmates as impermanent:
“Maybe a soulmate doesn’t have to be forever. You can use the term... but maybe this one soulmate was meant to stay in your life for a year to teach you something... and to lead you to the next soulmate. ... I am [minimizing the word] because we place too much emphasis on staying with somebody who just has never made us feel this way before.”—[21:25]
- She normalizes the feeling of "never feeling this way before," especially for listeners in their 20s:
“The point of your 20s is you are going to meet a lot of people that have never made you feel a particular way before because you don't have enough history to draw upon.”—[25:28]
- Anna shares a personal anecdote about moving in with her now-husband and discovering his true habits, using it as a metaphor for how we gradually "open up the closets" of a partner’s personality—[28:44]
7. Letting Go—Metaphors for Breaking Up
- Anna compares getting out of a relationship with peeling stubborn TJ Maxx price stickers:
“A label that you give to a relationship is sort of like, to me, those TJ Maxx and Home Good stickers... They leave that residue... That’s like getting out of a bad relationship. ... But you can’t [leave the label on]. ... Go through the effort of peeling the label off as best you can…”—[36:03]
8. Moving On and the Power of Perspective
- Anna shares a quote from Mad Men’s Don Draper to illustrate healing and moving forward:
“Get out of here. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.”—[38:30]
- Final wisdom:
“One day you may look back at your life and think, I am so glad that I went through that and I broke up with my soulmate because I just realized that nothing means anything until I give it meaning.”—[39:05]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “If I don't like the word soulmate, you bet your ass I fucking hate the word twin flame. What the fuck is that?” — Anna, [01:43]
- “Marriage isn’t hard. Life is hard. And when you're married, you have to face that hard together.” — Anna, [04:50]
- “We place too much emphasis on staying with somebody who just has never made us feel this way before...” — Anna, [21:40]
- “Everybody’s a little bit of a hoarder inside.” — Anna, after sharing her husband's habit of holding onto a creepy New York skyline painting, [29:55]
- “In the end, baby girl, you are your own soulmate.” — Anna, [33:44]
- “Nothing means anything until I give it meaning. ... I’m glad I did not stay with who I thought was my soulmate back then.” — Anna, [39:05]
Important Timestamps
- 00:31 – Anna dives into the “soulmate” myth and her skepticism
- 01:43 – Rant on “twin flame” terminology
- 04:50 – Nuanced take: marriage itself isn’t hard, life is
- 12:21 – “Soulmate” as a trap, mostly deployed by women
- 13:51 – “Pick-me girl” culture explained
- 16:41 – Parallels to societal structures, sex work, and judgment
- 21:25 – Reframing soulmates as temporary growth agents
- 25:28 – The value and normalcy of new feelings in your 20s
- 28:44 – The "representative" phase vs. real relationship
- 31:46 – The power (and danger) of labeling
- 33:44 – “You are your own soulmate.”
- 36:03 – Metaphor: Peeling off relationship labels like TJ Maxx stickers
- 38:30 – Mad Men quote on moving on
- 39:05 – Letting go, giving meaning, looking back in gratitude
Tone and Style
Anna’s voice is raw, witty, and fiercely compassionate. She blends biting humor (“If I don’t like soulmate, I fucking hate twin flame… what the fuck is that?”) with practical wisdom and gentle reminders of self-worth. Her language is conversational, occasionally expletive-laced, and always grounded in personal experience and honest reflection.
Takeaway
Anna’s core message: The notion of the soulmate is overrated, often trapping us in relationships that don’t serve our growth or happiness. Ultimately, you are your own soulmate, with the power to give (or remove) meaning from your experiences. Labels—whether romantic or otherwise—are sticky, but they can be peeled away, leaving space for new beginnings.