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What's up, guys? Welcome back to Build Today. This is a different episode today. I want to talk about something hard, something a little bit more on the emotional side. So if you are just in here for business advice today, maybe skip this one, maybe fast forward to the next track, maybe switch to the game. I want to talk about and share a story with you guys. And really, I think it centers around how to trust yourself and the tools that I have used to learn how to trust myself again. Coming back from an incident that occurred in my life about six years ago, and it's really something that I haven't shared much. I've, like, alluded to pieces of it. I've never shared the whole story, and I think that's because it feels complicated. And I also think that I don't like to think about it. And so I don't know how well I remember it, but I'll qualify it with that today and tell you guys I want to share because I had someone come to me this last week and share a situation that was going on with a relationship that they had where essentially this person was telling them things and they were believing that person more than themselves. And these were really bad, bad, dark things this person was saying to them and felt like a very manipulative, like, insidious, dangerous relationship. And it reminded me of a time I went through in my life six years ago, and I shared it with them, and I could tell how much it helped. And I figured, you know what? Like, if it helped them, it might help more people. And so I wanted to share it with you guys. You know, six years ago, I was in a season of my life where it felt hard. Like, I was running a company at a level I never had. I was trying to essentially, like, be the gap when there was a ton of gaps in the company. Like, I think I had, like, four missing leaders. Like, there was so much going on, and I had a ton of personal commitment I had just taken on in my personal life. And I felt like I need somebody else to just bounce things off of. I need someone to help put me accountable to some of the things that I need to do to get through this. And so, you know, I went out looking for essentially, like, a therapist. And, you know, I wasn't concerned about that at all because, you know, I'd use them so many times in my life. And it's always been, like, a very positive experience. And so, you know, finding that person, I felt like, okay, great, this is a good thing. And ironically, it didn't end up being a good thing. Because that person who I thought could help and I thought I could trust completely ended up being somebody that really distorted my reality. You know, that person began telling me things about myself that weren't true. Catastrophizing things about me that I thought made me good, but they told me they made me bad. You know, they told me to do things that at this point, I can't even believe I would say, but, like, you know, leave my husband, you know, move across the country, move with them. Like, it just. And I remember as it started happening, it was like, it's, you know, it's always breadcrumbs, right? It's not like, it's like, oh, it's like immediately from day one, they're like, move, you know, divorce your husband. It's like little things, passive comments, gestures, looks. And then it kind of all amounts into something greater. And that's really how it happened for me. And, you know, it got to the point where I remember I felt so overwhelmed because, you know, I'm not telling anybody that this is happening. I'm. I'm really just fucked up in the head about, like, wow, I've trusted this person for so long. Like, maybe they're right. Why would they do this? Like, all these things? And I got to the point where I remember I was just laying in bed one night and I just had a full on, like, physical panic attack. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was losing my mind and I didn't know who to turn to to help because, you know, it's like this person who was supposed to help me was actually the one making me feel so terrible. And I really internalized it. I. I got stuck there for. I want to say it was like two weeks. I really believed that there was something wrong with me. I really believed that I had built this facade of a life. I really believed that all these things that I always, for my whole life had thought were good were actually bad. It was a really hard time for me, I want to say. It took me like a solid 16 months to just feel somewhat like myself again because I. I got so shook from it. And I want to share it with you guys because I want to talk to you about how I got out of it. And I didn't get out of it by finding somebody else. I got out of it by finding myself and trusting myself and believing in myself. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. It was also one of the hardest. And I know so many of you could hit Your messages in. And I. I just. I see that you're going through hard times. I see that there's something that you're struggling with. And I want to share this because I hope that it helps, because we all go through something, and of course, there are so many things that can be so much worse than what I'm describing. But I hope that what I share can help you whether your situation is, quote, worse or better, because it. It really did help me and I think has allowed me to step into the life that I now have after everything occurred. I just want to preface with this that this person is no longer practicing, and it turns out that this had happened with a lot of other people, and they are paying the price for that, and I will just leave it at that. So there was absolutely something wrong with this person. They were doing something that was not good, and that is that. And I think that's really hard for me to admit, even publicly, because I'm the type of person that the reason the situation was so hard for me is that I take such ownership over everything that when it was happening, I. I didn't see in any way, shape, or form how it could be on them. I just didn't. I kept making, you know, excuses in my mind for them. I was like, oh, well, now they. They would really. Only I know that. I know therapists aren't supposed to say this stuff, but maybe it's so bad that they really feel like they have to. And maybe they're labeling me all these things because it's really that bad. And, you know, it's like I made myself. I said, oh, I'm special, right? But it turns out there were a lot of people dealing with this, and not everybody was special. It turns out that person was the one that was in the wrong. And so how I got myself out of it. I want to be honest with you guys, you know, for about two weeks, I was like, I didn't even know what was up. I didn't know it was real. I took two weeks off of work. I was like, I just need space. I don't know what the fuck is going on. You know, this person especially, like, telling me to leave my husband and, you know, that nobody could help me but this person and saying I'm the only. You know, they were the only person I could trust. Like, I just got really confused and. Which is embarrassing to admit, because I totally pride myself on being a very autonomous person who's not easily influenced by people. But I'd let this person in for so long and trusted them so, so much up to that point. I just haven't really even considered it. How I got myself out is, you know, I'll just say I lost my shit for two weeks. Just being real. Like, lost my shit for two weeks. Lost my shit. Like, couldn't sleep, could barely eat. Perpetual anxiety. I felt like someone was. I was. I was seriously paranoid. Like, I remember everything made me anxious at that point. Like, I would. I didn't even want to exercise because even just getting my heart rate up even more than it was felt unhealthy. I'd kept. You know, I'd had multiple panic attacks. So, like, I didn't want to do anything to trigger another one. I didn't want to talk to anybody in my company because I didn't want them to, you know, see if. If like, anything were to happen and I were to just like, like, cry or anything, because I just felt so. I felt fragile and I felt vulnerable, and it was a terrible feeling to have. And I only share because I'm sure some of you have and will if you haven't been there. And these things are normal. Unfortunately, they're not good and they're not okay, but they. They do happen to people. And these feelings that arise from them are normal in having that happen. I finally, after two weeks, I was like, I need to do something about this. I can't feel like this forever. And I'm. I want to take it into my own hands. I don't want to feel like anybody else had. Can hold this over me. I don't want to feel like somebody else has more power over me than myself. And so I said, I'm going to study psychology, I'm going to study therapy, and I'm going to therapize myself out of this situation. And that is why you hear so many of the principles I have today. I learned them when I was losing weight, when I stopped drinking, when I stopped with drugs. And then I learned them all over again when I had to deal with this, right? Because at this point, I'm barely able to sleep, I'm barely able to eat, and I don't know what's real and what's not. And I said, the only thing I know is that I will not fucking stop until I get out of this situation. And I have the power to do that. Nobody else. So as I was doing that, I studied a lot. I studied every kind of therapy that you can think of. I studied people. How do you sleep when you've had things happen? How do you stop panic attacks? How do you, you know, get yourself to eat? How do you. I mean, I bought every book possible. I studied all the biggest psychologists. I listened. I mean, like. And I didn't listen to any podcast at that point. I only bought old books from, like, the oldest psychologist, because I just didn't even trust anything that's modern because it's just, you know, people are trying to sell you stuff half the time. And so the first thing that I learned through that experience that helped me get out of it, it was the power of framing. Like, before that experience, I saw so many of the traits about myself. My ability to work hard, to care so deeply about people, to take so much ownership, to see things and fix them fast. I thought those were things that made me who I was and that were good. And I labeled them as strengths. That person, what they did was they reframed my gifts as flaws, as problems, as deficiencies, as disorders, as anything you can think. And when they say that what makes you you is something you should be ashamed of, that you should change, you start to think, what? Have I been wrong all along? And that's really what happened to me, right? I began to see the best qualities of myself, things that I had always prided myself on. Like, I'd always worked really hard. I'd always been able to change myself. I'd always been really disciplined. I started to see them through their lens in a bad way. And the way that I got myself back wasn't by discovering something new. It was by reframing again, by deciding, right, that maybe I was intense. Maybe I do have problems. Maybe these things that make me me and that are strengths are also weaknesses. Maybe they're right. Maybe I have shit wrong with me, but that's okay. Maybe I have problems, and that's okay. Maybe there's something wrong with me and that's okay. Maybe this will take a long time to get out of. And that's okay. That's okay. Nobody should ever have more authority over your story than you do. And so rather than go back because the brain doesn't have a delete button, you can't just go back and say, let's forget what they told me. Instead, I decided to say, all right, I used to think these are strengths. Now I think they're weaknesses, or now. And now I don't know what they are. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. It. It's okay either way. Maybe they're problems, maybe they're not. That's okay. Life is uncertain and really Reframing things. In a way, what I realized my problem was and why the frame that this person put upon me was so damaging and difficult to digest is because it meant there was uncertainty. It meant that I couldn't be certain that these things were good. I was unsure now and thought, maybe they are bad. It wasn't until I reframed the uncertainty to say, it's okay, maybe they're bad, and so what? Maybe sometimes I'm bad and so what? So what? What does it matter? What are you afraid of? And as I pulled it out, I realized I was more afraid of the label and of not being a perfect person than I was of any consequence that that could actually enact in my life. And so I stared it right in the face and said, maybe I do have a bunch of fucking problems. So what? So what? So what? That's it. And that was the most powerful thing I could have ever done for myself. I just said, so what? I'm not going to be fucking ashamed. I'm not going to hide. I'm going to talk about it. And you know, back then, I think I. I started talking about these things much more regularly because I said, shame can only exist in the dark. Right? Which is the second thing that I learned. Shame only exists in the dark. I hid what was happening and what I was feeling from so many people around me, partly because I didn't even understand it myself. And I kept telling myself I was fine. I was strong enough to handle it. I should. I should have known better. I put guys, I took so much responsibility for the situation. That's why it's even hard for me to even refer to a third party in this, because I just. I have a hard time doing that. But that's. That is how you keep the shame stuck. By convincing yourself that if people knew it was happening to you or has happened to you, they would think less of you. And this is the truth. We are all vulnerable. I'm still vulnerable. No matter how successful or strong you are, you could still be misled, manipulated, and simply just fucking lost for a while. And you know what? Admitting that it doesn't make you weak. It is actually what sets you free. And it is what set me free. The moment that I started being honest, first with myself and then with people around me, was the moment all the shame started to dissolve. I started talking to people about it. I started sharing the story. I started saying what I was afraid of. I started telling people the thoughts that I had swimming through my head around this situation that felt crazy. And then I realized this story has no power over me if I'm the narrator. It only has power when you let other people tell it. And so I said to myself, like, what is the most empowering way that I can think of this situation? And let's tell that story. Let's tell that story. Let's not keep ourselves stuck in the shame spiral loop. Let's get it out into the light, and let's tell it in a way that feels good to us. The third thing that got me through that time is that I learned that the only way to undo trauma is to go directly into the place you don't want to go. Now, I'm going to preface this and tell you guys, I'm going to use the word trauma with this definition. An adverse event that changes your behavior. That's it. It permanently. An adverse event that permanently changes your behavior. So that is my definition of trauma for the purpose of this podcast. And immediately after this situation occurred for me, I had lots of large changes in behaviors, right? A lot of that was because I wanted to forget it ever happened. I wanted to bury it. I wanted to move on. I wanted to completely change anything that reminded me of the situation or the life I had when it occurred. And here's what I saw. Every time I avoided it, I got more scared of it. Every time I avoided it, the thoughts in my head got louder. And that's where I realized that the only way to heal yourself, I think a lot of people talk about healing, is to look and go to the exact place you don't want to. I had to revisit the conversations I had with this person in my mind. I had to replay them. I had to replay the thoughts that I was avoiding. I had to literally go into the same physical spaces that remind me of what happened. I didn't even want to be in the room where a lot of it occurred. I would avoid that room viciously. And then I had to go there. I would go there and I would sit in it. I would feel so uncomfortable. I would just sit in that room. And what I realized is that I had to stop running from the pain, and instead I had to walk into it. And the crazy part is that when I did that, what I got on the other side of doing this wasn't the version of myself that had been prior. It was a completely new version of myself. A version of myself that trusts herself so much more deeply because she learned what happens when she doesn't. It's funny, because I look back on that version of my life. And I don't even feel angry anymore. I feel gratitude because it was the moment that forced me to take back my power and trust myself explicitly and unconditionally trust myself. I realized at that point in my life, I could no longer outsource my trust to others in that way, my trust of how to live my life. I could not outsource my power. I could not outsource my decisions. Right. And it all came back to the same thing, which is like, I always thought there was an answer outside of myself. I always thought there was a person outside of myself that would know better than me. And I've done that my whole life. And I've always said, I'm coachable, I'm open. But in reality, I was demeaning myself. I was removing power from myself. I was looking for somebody else to tell me who I was, what was wrong with me, what to do next, what was good. And it wasn't until I got to the other side of that situation that I realized that that person that I'd been looking for all along, just like all these other times in my life, it was just me. And, you know, I think we go through things in our life and we always think, this time's different. This time, I think really, somebody else is going to be able to tell me what to do. Or this time, I really do need help. Or this time. And of course, we all want support, but the person who's got the most insight on your life is you. If you're listening to this and you've ever doubted yourself or questioned yourself because of somebody else's opinion, I just want you to know there is nothing wrong with you. You just might need to take back the story and change the story that you've been telling yourself about. About yourself. And maybe the exact person that you need to start trusting is you. I think so many of us go through times in our lives where we're shook, where something happens where we think, this, I can't believe this happened to me. I'm so embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I. I can't believe I allowed this to happen. We have all these thoughts that run through our head. These things happen to all of us that people don't want to share. And so I want to share this with you guys because it was such a hard time for me. But those three tools, those really are the tools that helped me step into the next season of my life. And honestly, I didn't. I didn't just go back to baseline. I got better. I had more tools, I had more abilities, and I had more confidence because I was like, I face my fears when I'm, like, really fucking scared. And I have a lot of reasons not to do it, and I have a lot of things that I could say or why I wouldn't do it. And I also don't need to. I don't need for it to survive. I don't need for it for any reason, but I need for it to be the person I want to be and to have the life I want in the future. I think everybody deserves that for themselves, including you. So hope this helped you. I know this is not the most uplifting of stories, but I hope that something that you can relate to. Actually, I don't hope that you can relate to it, but I hope that if you can relate to it, you got something from it. I love you guys. I know that there's a lot of people out there that are going through something hard and just hope you know the end of the day. Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and also just know that if you let somebody outside yourself influence you, if you let another situation influence you, if you have a setback, maybe something bad happened and went back to some bad habits. Maybe you gained weight, maybe you lost your job, Maybe I don't know what it is. So what. What the. Like, nobody's perfect. It's okay. Just get back up and try again.