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I think that the problem is, like, when you understand the trade offs, you're not rebelling against these rules you've created. You're making a conscious choice. You're saying, I choose. In fact, you're almost like planning to make the trade off. And I think that's really the best kind. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Build. And today I want to talk about doing whatever the freak you want, about sabotaging your life. So today I wanted to talk about this because I think I feel like it's, it's just the season for me. And if you're like me, maybe you consider yourself like a high achiever. This might be something that you've struggled with and maybe something that you wrestle with a lot, which is just the idea that sometimes, sometimes in life, whether it comes to your business, your relationships, your personal life, like your preferences, what you put on social media, like, sometimes you just have to do whatever the fuck you want to do. This is, I think, like a lesson that I have learned. And it's, it's like it's become more ingrained in me over the last few years. And I think especially after started putting my life on social media, it became something that I learned even more, which is like, if you live your life so tightly wound around rules, expectations, plans, discipline, eventually you're so engorphed in those things that you actually lose the point why you're doing all of it. And I think that if we pull ourselves out, like, why do we do all those things? Why do we have discipline? Why do we plan? Why do we have rules? Like, because we want to enjoy a life that we build, right? A life that's rich, it's full, that you're excited to wake up to every day. And I think that the nuance to this is that like a lot of people either live with zero structure, so they're constantly putting out fires, apologizing, trying to patch up stuff. They're all over the place. They're. They're just kind of a mess, right? And I think we all know those people, or they live their life with so much structure that they become a prisoner to their own systems, right? Everything is rigid, every minute is planned. And then they wonder, like, why do I feel dead inside? Like, why do I not want to do this, right? And I think that there's a third third way. And that's kind of what I want to give you guys today. I want to give you the frameworks that I use. And I've been thinking through and I've been like formulating over the last year because I've realized, like, I'm really good at all or nothing. I'm not as good at figuring out the in between. And I think that most often the reason for that has actually been nothing to do with me and everything to do with expectations of others. Because when you don't fit into a very well defined box, it's very hard for people to understand you and you become less predictable. And I think I subconsciously have known that if I do things in this way, people will perceive me in a certain way and it won't be lead to the best outcome of this thing. Right. Like, and I think that the reality of it is that that's just not true. I think that humans are nuanced, we're all flawed. And if you think you see somebody who lives within this very well confined box, like, they're probably hiding a part of themselves. They're probably suppressing a part of themselves. They probably just don't show you. Right. As I was reflecting, because yesterday was my birthday, I was thinking about how I just want to do a lot more of just whatever the I want to do this year. And I think, I'll be honest. Like, I think coming out of, you know, seven months of just being in pain and dealing with these health issues, it's put a lot of things in perspective for me. And I think it's like ultimately, especially as I'm starting to feel better every day, though it was very hard and I don't wish that upon anybody. It still gave me a ton of perspective, which is just, I need to spend more time just doing whatever the fuck I want. And then I was like, well, why don't I spend time doing the whatever the fuck I want, right? And I was like, well, I don't spend time doing the things I want because I'm worried, honestly, sometimes what people are gonna think of me. Like, there's this very clear perception of what people who people think I am, what people think I do all these things. And I think a lot of these things fit outside that box. And so when I had a lot of time to think, I was like, you know what? Like, I'm fucking over this. I'm too old for this shit. I am a very dynamic person. I have all sorts of sides to my personality. I tons of different things I like to do that have no relation to each other. And I'm gonna do more of whatever the I want to do now, and I'm not gonna apologize for it. And I'm not gonna be upset when people misunderstand me either. I think that's the other side of it, which is, like, you can't be upset when people criticize you for you doing whatever the you want, because the reward is you do whatever the you want. The cost is that people are going to judge you. Right? And so, you know, over this weekend, for example, you know, on my birthday, it's like, okay, we're gonna go out to this fancy dinner and get dressed up and just. And, you know, the whole team knows and they're gonna plan this thing. And it's like. It just felt like I remember, like, waking up on that day and I was like, I just don't give a. Like, I don't want to get dressed up and God's dinner. Like, I actually don't enjoy doing that. Like, I just want to go hang out with my husband, do whatever the we want. I don't want anybody around me. I want to be the alone, and I want to just do whatever I feel like doing. I don't even want to make plans. And that's so contrary to how I normally operate. But I realized that, like, even just the act of going out to dinner and getting dressed up, it's like, oh, well, you should. It's your birthday. You're not gonna get it? No, I'm not gonna get dress Takes forever to do this hair. Don't you know, I don't want to do my hair on my birthday. That. And so I told Alex. He's like, what do you want to do? I was like, let's go to the pool. Let's walk around, let's explore. Let's run away from security and let's just do our own thing like we used to years ago. And guys, it was, like, the most fun I've had in, like, at least a year. Like, it's the most fun I've had all year. It was so fun. I was, like, high the next day from how much fun I had, by the way. It wasn't, like, doing drugs or drinking. Like, I think I had, like, a half a martini, but, like, I felt so free because I said, like, it's not about what I think I should do. It's not about what I plan to do, but it's like, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I wanna do right now. And I promised myself that I had to have more of those times this year. And so I've been making more space in my life to do that, because I think even in the moments that I wasn't working. I would plan them with things to like, optimize my non work, my body, my house, my mar. Myself. And I was just stuck in this state of perpetual improvement, which has been most of my life, to be honest. And I think the pendulum swings. But I wanted to give you guys some frames because I think this is the first time in my life where I feel really at peace with this concept of doing whatever the fuck I want. And I want to explain how I've come to that. Okay, the first is that I think about it with like a 9010 rule with constraints and trade offs. Okay? So I live by a 9010 rule for sure. Like 90% of the time I am disciplined as hell. I, I eat really well, I sleep on a schedule, I run my meetings, I follow SOPS. Like I go by the book, right? 10% of the time I will give myself permission to do whatever the fuck I want. Okay? Constraints aren't punishments, okay? They're guidelines that we choose because we value something more than the short term cost, right? So like for example, I constrain my eating most of the time because I value my long term health, my energy, how I feel, my digestive system, right? I constrain my calendar because I, I value building big shit and being available to my team. But that 10% is there and that's the 10% that I've leaned into. Now I'm not going to fill it up with being productive with my fun. I'm just going to leave it there because I also value being a human being able to just laugh my ass off, go out with Alex, do whatever the fuck I want, like binge Netflix, take a trip, eat cake, have a drink, whatever it might be. And so if you're the type of person who listens to my podcast, you are probably the 90 that took it to a hundred. And I've just recognized like in looking back, I'm like, my happiest times in my life are when I'm 90 10. It's not when I'm a hundred, it's when I'm 90 10. And so here's what I would ask yourself, right? If you're listening to this and you relate to this is like one, what are the constraints that protect you from what you value most, right? Like what constraints, if taken to a hundred, like if you never stop doing, would never even let you value the thing that you do them for. I'll give you an example. I never, when I was competing in bikini competitions, like I never went out, I never showed off my body. I didn't go to the beach. Like, I didn't have time. I was in the gym, I was eating, I was working. I didn't show off my body. I didn't go to the beach, I didn't take pictures. I was just grinding. And I remember one day, like, after my competition, and I was feeling really good, but I realized I was like, why the am I doing all of this? Like, it's not making me healthier. It's not like I get to go out and feel confident, like. Cause I don't have time. Like. Like it's this perpetual hamster wheel. Like, what did I even do this for in the first place? I did this because I wanted to feel confident so I could go out there and I could wear a bikini and I wouldn't feel fat. And like, I have that. But because I'm so stuck in this hamster wheel of going 100 out of 100 all the time, I can't even enjoy this thing. It's like, what's the point of having a Ferrari if it's in the garage all day, right? And so that's when I said, okay, I've got to be able to bend the rules and have some fun. And so then the next question you ask yourself is this, okay, where are you? Okay, bending the rules, fully aware of the trade off. So example for you from this last weekend, and this probably is me, like every, I don't know, three months, I was like, it's my birthday and what do I feel like doing? And I was like, I truthfully feel like just walking around with my husband, drinking champagne, not having anyone around me. I don't even want to, like, eat cake. I want to make a cake. I don't want to eat cake. I don't feel like it. But, like, I want to drink champagne. I know my stomach's gonna hurt tomorrow. I know I'm not gonna feel great, even because I'm old enough after one drink, even, yes, I don't feel great. But I want to do it knowing that tomorrow I won't feel as great. And so I made a conscious choice. I was like, I consciously choose this 10%. And I felt good about it. I felt good about it because I chose it. And I was fully aware of the consequences of that. Now I'm, you might say, okay, well, you know, Layla, but if I go out and I get drunk and then listen, I didn't fully choose to, like, say, oh, I'm having six drinks and we're going deep and I'M gonna be up tomorrow. Like, I woke up feeling totally fine, had a normal day. My stomach was like a little weird because I'm very sensitive to alcohol. But like, besides that, I was super functional. I'm not willing to make the trade off of losing full day. But I am willing to say I'm okay, I'm gonna have a little tummy ache the next day. Right. I think that the problem is like when you understand the trade offs, you're not rebelling against these rules you've created. You're making a conscious choice. You're saying, I choose. In fact, you're almost like planning to make the trade off. And I think that's really the best kind. Like for example, you know, I have a friend coming into town in the next few weeks and this person's only available during a weekday and I just like haven't seen her in a while and I really want to hang out with her. And so I was like, okay, I have a slammed week that week. I'm doing a lot of stuff. I have a ton of time to work. I'm going to block half a day and I'm just going to go hang out with my friend. Like, you know what I can do instead is I can work more on the weekend. Easy, right? And so do I normally see friends on that day? No. But I was like, you know what, I'm willing to make that trade off because I really miss this person. I value friendships. I haven't gotten to see a lot of friends in the last few months. And this is something that I feel like I would like to do Now. The second framework that I use for making these decisions about where to do whatever the fuck you want is essentially an energy ROI framework. Okay? This is how I decide which rules to break. Okay? And I call this the energy ROI test. But really it's like, okay, think about like this, right? Most people think I had a stressful day, I deserve this. That is owing its entitlement. What works better than that and what is healthier than that is thinking in terms of earning. Hey, I've been showing up for myself every day. I've been keeping my promises, moving my life forward, going to the gym, doing my business, working hard. You know what? I'm going to take a night out. I've earned relaxing on the couch. I've earned doing nothing. But even then, after I do the earned, I check this. Does this give me back more energy than it costs me? Because I am not signing up to escape. I want to do things that make Me better and keep me in it for the long haul. So sometimes the answer is yes. Going out with Alex late gives me tenfold back the energy because I get it in connection and laughter and happiness in my relationship. Other times it's no, because I'm like, you know what? I have actually a huge day. The next day, I'm gonna wake up feeling like shit, my digestion's fucked if my mood is low, and I'm gonna be fucking anxious. And so it's not worth it. And so the two questions that you ask are, is this comfort earned or am I just justifying it because I'm uncomfortable, Right? This is how I help myself understand if I'm trying to escape something versus trying to run towards something, right? It's like, okay, I'm not uncomfortable right now. This is not me trying to escape that. This is actually me trying to make my life better, right? I think a good example of this is alcohol. It's like, okay, well, if every weekend you have to drink both nights is like, are you really saying I've earned this? Or are you just escaping the other five days of the week? And I used to be the kind of person that would do that, and now I actually. Actually, I made a rule for myself a very long time ago. I don't. I said, I'll never drink when I'm upset. And that's actually been a fantastic rule for me. So maybe, actually, if you're. If you like to have a glass of wine or a drink every once in a while, like, maybe take my rule. It's worked really well for me, which is I always check in with myself. Are you upset? If yes, don't drink. Always makes it worse, never makes it better. And I never want to associate alcohol with relieving any sort of negative energy, right? And then the second question is, is this going to pay me back in energy or leave me worse? And then sometimes you have to, like, dial it up or dial it down, right? Like, sometimes people invite me. They'll be like, can you come this dinner and this show or whatever. I'm like, okay, dinner, blah, blah. We get out at nine. I'm already, like, past my bedtime. They're like, all right, there's a show at 10. I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna go to the dinner, but not the show. Because I'm not willing to incur the cost of staying up till 2am when I've worked the next day. But I do think the dinner, which goes a little later than my bedtime, Because I'm a grandma is worth it to me. So it's really understanding the ROI of that 10% time when you decide to do whatever the fuck you want. Now, here's the last frame that you want to use. This is the no consequences test. Identity driven decisions. Okay? This is maybe the most important thing, and it's how I keep 10% from turning into complete chaos, which I haven't had to use this in a very long time. But I think it's really helpful for somebody who's doing this for the first time. Okay? When I'm about to do something off routine, when I'm about to break a rule, I run what I call the no consequences test. And it is super simple. I ask this, okay, one, if I did this today and then again tomorrow, would it destroy something important to me? First question, second question. What would the person I want to be do in this situation? So the first question is helping you think about the consequences, and if they're positive or negative, if amplified. And the second question is literally just asking yourself, what would the person I want to be do, which helps align with your identity or the values that you want to embody. Right. We want decisions to be identity driven. So I literally asked myself that, like, what would the person I want to be do? And if it lines up with that vision I have for my future self, with who I'm building into, even if it is breaking a rule or going off routine, then I'm fucking good with it. Because if it's just you trying to just, like, numb out or slack off because you're going through, know that that's right. And I know for myself that's bullshit. And so I'll call myself out on that stuff. I think that's really helpful when you're first starting because you don't want these little slips to turn into something bigger. It's kind of like when I was first learning how to eat healthy. I couldn't even do cheat days because, like, the cheat days would just turn into cheat weekends. And then I felt like I would eat so bad on the cheat days. It wasn't like, oh, I'm gonna have a piece of cake. It was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna binge all day now. It's like, you know, I don't even have a whole piece of cake. I eat like a half a piece of cake, and I'm like, I'm full, dude. Like, I'm old. I can't do this shit. So, okay, you guys get it. The big idea is this. You can be disciplined and you can have crazy high standards and you can build huge things and you can still have fun. You can break your own rules strategically and give yourself flexibility without self sabotage. I think the goal is to be flexible. The most flexible system always wins. And when you're intentional, when you understand those trade offs and when you earn your breaks and make decisions that line up with your identity, you get the both best of both worlds. You build a life that works and a life that you actually want to live. So with that I hope I know that was a little random, maybe a little off topic for you guys. I've just been reflecting a lot since it's been my birthday weekend which yes I'm 21. I can't believe it. Anyways, I appreciate you guys go do something today that makes absolutely no sense except it makes you happy for 10% of your day. And with that I will see you on the next one.