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What it taught me is that it doesn't make sense to focus on anything that isn't going to be useful. How is this going to help me move forward in life? How's this going to make my life better? If it's not going to make my life better, why should I think it? What's up, guys? Welcome back to Build. And today I want to talk about language and the difference between a need and a preference. So today I want to dive into something that I don't know if I've talked about. I think that I've probably referenced it in the past, but I actually felt like making an entire podcast on it because it's that important. And I was talking about it in one of my last podcasts where I was talking about getting the approval of others. And then it kind of stemmed as I was listening to that podcast, because a lot of you said that you really enjoyed that one. A fundamental concept that I think a lot of people don't understand. And I feel really, really grateful that I want to say it was probably seven years ago now. I really learned this concept, and it changed everything for me. It changed how I saw myself. It changed how I manage my relationships, my marriage, my business, everything. And that one concept was so simple. It was literally the difference between a need and a preference, right? And this kind of came up for me the other day because I was having a conversation with somebody at work, and they were expressing that their partner wasn't meeting their needs. And, you know, when I said, like, well, what are the needs that your partner isn't meeting? It was like, well, I need to go on a date night once a week. I need to, you know, be intimate this many times. I need for them to tell me these things. I need for them to think of these things without me prompting them. I need. And as they were going through, I said, hold on. And I was like, what happens if you don't get this? They were like, well, it just sucks. And I was like, right, you have preferences. You might have really strong preferences. I was like, but those are not needs. And I want to explain something, because I've had a lot of people quote, gaslight me on this and say, well, Layla, like, that's really shitty to say. Like, we don't have needs. Like, their emotional needs, they're this, they're that. But the reality is, is that using the term need and saying that you must have it actually creates more emotional drama around the entire situation, and it makes it harder to get what you want, not easier, right? And the reason this is so important is because so much of our unnecessary stress, our disappointment, and even the resentment that we feel towards a boss, a job, a coworker, our spouse, a friend, it comes from confusing these two things. It comes from confusing a preference with a need. Right? Because when we think that something is a need, we treat it like it's a non negotiable. And when we tell ourselves it's a non negotiable, what happens if we don't get that? We feel deprived, we feel anxious, we feel angry, we feel we might even spiral into like, I want to be done with this relationship, like, I don't want this shit, or I'm quitting this job or whatever it might be. But the reality is, is that most of the time when we're calling something a need, it's actually just a really strong preference. You really strongly prefer to do this thing. And I think that that is where you get your power and understand that difference is a huge, fundamental piece of it, because it means that you're not held hostage to circumstances or to other people's actions. You do not want a life that your happiness is hinged on other people's actions. You can want things from people, you can prefer things from people, you can be delighted to get things from people, but you don't need to demand them of people. You don't want to yell at somebody into succumbing to your preference or cry your way there or manipulate your way there. And if you don't need to demand these things of people, it reduces so much unnecessary suffering that we have in our lives that we mostly create in our heads because. Because we call something a need when it's really just a preference. This was huge for me in seven years ago when I really thought about this in understanding a lot about myself. I thought that I needed to have a certain morning routine. I thought I needed to get a workout in every day. I thought that I needed to have a certain cadence with my husband in terms of our marriage. I thought that I needed to have a certain amount of time with my friends. I thought. And guess what, guys, if you're listening to this podcast, guess what? You're human too. And what happens in our lives is that so, so much of the time, things that we, quote, need get taken away. And it's not because we want it to. It's because we can't control. We like to think we can. We love the illusion of control. This comfortable safety blanket, it feels really cozy to go under, but we can't we can't control these things. And so there's been so many times in my life where I've had, quote, things taken away from me that I told myself I needed. And then I realized, you know, after a couple days, I was actually pretty fine. I was actually fine without. Now did I prefer having the thing? Sure. But was I dying without it? Was I, you know, in despair? Was I? No, I was okay. And I think every time you get something that you quote me taken away from you, what it teaches you is how resilient you are. So there's a concept that I love that shows how we often just upset ourselves by turning our preferences into. Into these demands. Okay, we start thinking, I must have approval. They must treat me fairly. My employees must hit their targets. I must always perform perfectly, look perfect, act perfect, be perfect. And then we make these rules where it's like, okay, you must do these things. So what does it mean when it doesn't happen? When it doesn't happen? We give ourselves permission. We do. I know you guys feel this because, like, I used to do this. We give ourselves permission to feel fucking angry, depressed, anxious, because we make something a need instead of seeing it as a preference. And so one of the most powerful reframes that I was able to give myself this seven years ago when I realized this, is trying to replace these rigid thoughts and quote needs with something much softer, like a preference. So I would replace the thought of, like, I must have approval with. I prefer to have this person's approval, but I don't need it. I can still function, I can still succeed without it. I would like for people to treat me fairly, but if they don't, it's unfortunate. It's not going to ruin my life. Notice how just the reframe of the language, it immediately diffuses the intensity of it. Like, you still want it, you still want to work for it, you still want to try for it, but you're not, like, I'm going to die without it. And for me, this has been so huge in so many situations. I'll give an example which is like, you know, very often people ask me, well, you know, do you feel like you're treated unfairly because you're a woman? Do you feel like you're treated differently because you're a woman? Like, all these things, like, what do we do about this? And this was a huge one that I reframed for myself, you know, seven some years ago, as I said, of course I would love for people to treat me as they might treat a Man in business or a male CEO, Right? But if they don't, that's not on me. That's on them. And I will survive and I will succeed and I will get all the things I want in life despite that. And so that. Reframe, right? What I want to explain is that some of you might be listening and you're like, but, Layla, it's gonna feel really shitty. Or, I hate that. Or, guess what? I understand. But here's what I ask you right when you're talking about, like, well, I would love to still have these things. It would be really tough without them. I want you to ask yourself this, which is. Is the thought useful? Is thinking that you must have something from somebody useful? Is it making your life better or making your life worse when you hold that thought? And what I realized is, like, there were so many times in my life where I had a thought and I thought that it was helping me, but it wasn't helping me. It was actually making things worse. Because when I held that thought, it didn't help me because there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot change what somebody else thinks of me. I cannot change the fact that some people see me a certain way and some people don't. I cannot control what they think and what they feel. We can barely control what we think and feel. And so what it taught me is that it doesn't make sense to focus on anything that isn't going to be useful. How is this going to help me move forward in life? How's this going to make my life better? If it's not going to make my life better, why should I think it? Even if it's true, even if it's freaking true, if it doesn't make my life better, why am I thinking about it? Why am I believing this thought? Why am I still thinking this thought? And so I think that one. Reframing the language is probably the first thing that you can do to diffuse the amount of intensity, right? So if you can think about something in your life right now and you're like, you know, I've really been wanting this thing. I've really been wanting this person to change this circumstance, to change this thing to happen, but it's just not. It's not happening on my timeline, it's not happening how I want it. It's just like. Or maybe it's been years and it's still not happening. Reframe it. Because if. If you've gotten by and you're still alive and ticking now, now, then it's not a need because you're still here and you're still surviving. It's just a really strong preference you have. And so then I would offer you that changing the language is gonna help you even more. I think that another simple shift that you can make when that kind of goes along with that is like, a lot of people say things like, I need to be less stressed at work, I need my spouse to be more supportive. I need my business to grow fast. But the reframe is like, do I need that to survive? Right? I don't. And that's the question to know, is it a preference or a need? So what you're usually saying is, I prefer to feel less stressed. I want and desire more support. I would love if I grew faster. And so you're constantly just swapping need for prefer, want, desire, prefer. Basically, it drops this implied threat that if you don't get it, something is wrong with you or your life is ruined or something, someone is going to go very wrong. And then when you do that, it changes how you feel and how you act, because you can still pursue it, you can still want the thing, but if you don't get the thing, you're not in desperation, you're not in despair, and you're not acting out of a sense of entitlement. I think a really great one is how we act with our partners. You know, a lot of people, like, I want him to take me on date night all the time, or I want her to do these things around the house, or I need them to do these things for me to be happy in this relationship. And it's like, well, good luck, because you can't control your partner, right? And if you think that way and you demand these things of them, you actually just suppress them because then they feel like in order to earn your love, in order to maintain this relationship, they must do these things that they actually really hate doing. So how do you apply this to yourself? To business, to leadership, to relationships? There's three things that you can do to start applying this right now and make it work for you. Okay? One is you want to catch your language. You want to pay attention to what you're saying. Whenever you hear yourself saying I need, stop and ask yourself, like, make that a trigger for yourself. Do I truly need this to survive or function, or do I just strongly prefer it and really, really, really want it? Okay? So ask yourself, like, listen to the things you say. Do you use the words need, must, should have to. If you use any of that language, Then it's very likely that you're putting these demands onto circumstances that you can't control, and you're making yourself miserable because of it. The second is we want to reframe it, okay? So we say it out loud or in our head, and then we say, okay, I actually, I prefer this, but I don't need it. It would be better if this happened, but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't. I would like if this thing occurred, but if it doesn't, I will manage and get by, and eventually it might get better, right? And so that. Reframe it just immediate. I can even feel it in myself. Like, it immediately diffuses any situation that you're confronting. And that is where it brings us to number three, which is then you notice how your feelings change. You will find that often the anxiety, the anger, the fear, it just immediately dials down. You take it from like an 8 to like a 4 just by speaking differently about the situation and the control it has over you. And this is why there's so much power in our language. We can literally make ourselves miserable by the way we speak. And I think the biggest win in all of this is the freedom that we feel when we're not imprisoned by this language that we inflict upon ourselves. And so then you get to stop living, right? All these preferences you have are emergencies that you need to fix immediately. You stop making yourself and everybody else around you miserable because you've turned your preferences into demands. And so remember this, most of the time, what you call a need is actually a preference. Like, you'll still work hard for it, you'll still care, you might still get a little upset, but if it doesn't happen, you'll adapt and you'll keep moving forward anyways. Life will go on. So I hope this resonates for you. This concept has helped me so much in my life, and I find myself over and over and over again reframing these things. Especially recently in my life, I've had a lot of health challenges. I had to have surgery. I haven't been able to do a lot of things that I told myself I needed to do. You know, I haven't lifted weights in almost six months now, and that's something that I've never skipped that much in my life. I wasn't able to go out to dinner with friends and family. I wasn't able to do things with my spouse. Like, I wasn't able to show up at work the same way. And those were all things I thought I needed, when, in fact, they were just really strong preferences. So I hope this helps you guys. I hope you have a great day, workout, walk, whatever it may be, and I will see you on the next one.