← Build with Leila Hormozi
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- [00:00]
A
On my sixth arrest, I woke up at my parents house and my father was waiting downstairs for me, which was like the worst, one of the most sickening moments of my life. And then have to walk downstairs to confront them. I can still feel how I felt in that moment. It was awful. When I was 19, I was really overweight. I think at that point I'd gained, gained like 80 something pounds. It was to the point where it's like I can't even find a picture because I completely avoided a camera. Like there's one and it's just my head and it's pretty bad, but that's it. And I remember I was at. It was the weekend of my friend's birthday and she said she wanted to have a party and she was gonna invite a bunch of people from high school. And immediately I just felt like a complete sense of anxiety wash over me because I thought, oh my gosh, I looked so much better then, you know, But I've like spiraled into gaining all this weight and I felt like, oh gosh, I really hope I don't run into anybody. And so the weekend comes and you know, it's the start of the party. I think we're pre gaming, whatever, people are coming in, nobody's saying anything, right? And it's like this big for me. It felt like an elephant in the room. Like, hi, I haven't seen you since I gained 80 pounds, right? Like I am aware of this and nobody was saying anything. It was all going as planned. Like it felt fine. And then it was probably close to the end of the night and I went to go to the bathroom and I walked through the hallway and there was this guy that I'd been friends with in high school who was there and I saw him and I was like, oh, hey. And he was like, hey. And he was like, man, such a shame. And I was like, what? And I just like in that moment knew he was going to say something. And he said he's like, dang. He's like. It was so crude, but it was like, it's really just a shame because like, you used to be so hot, but you're just so fat. And I was like, wow. And in that moment all I felt was like white hot. Like your eyes see red, you know, like white hot rage. And funny enough, it was not at him at all. It was completely at myself because my first thought after he said it was, I agree, you're right, I would. And it was like I couldn't even be mad at the guy because I'm like, what are you doing? Stating the facts. Like, I'm aware as well. And I left early, and I went home, and I just felt so compelled to do something. I remember I got on Facebook, because Facebook was cool at the time, and I made a post that was like, I'm done. I'm done partying. You're not gonna see me. I have to go work on some things. Like, I'm out. It was just this ominous, very vague post. And that was the day I woke up the next morning and I threw out all the food in my house. That was junk. I literally drove to Planet Fitness, joined Planet Fitness gym, and then I said, I'm done drinking. It was like, in that instant, I made this decision where I thought to myself. It just felt like it was a deviation from the path I was on, being that overweight. And in that moment, I felt like, am I gonna let this get worse? You know, am I gonna show up two years from now at a party? What am I gonna be, £400? Because, like, if we continue to go down this path at the rate I've gained weight, that's what would happen. And that thought when I had that, where I was like, what if I were to show up in that many years and be. What's stopping me from that? Why stop now? You keep gaining weight. What's gonna stop? And I just thought it was so unacceptable of a thought to me. I was like, that cannot be my future. It was so terrifying that I felt like I had to immediately change in that moment. And that's been something that's served me so much throughout my life, which is, like, there are times when incremental change makes sense, and then there are times when there's so much inertia in one direction, the wrong direction, that I think you need to just completely put a stop to it. And in that moment, that was one of those. I was like, we need to go snowball in the other direction. And so instead of like, let me just slowly make life, I was like, screw it. Everything goes out the window today. New Layla. I am no longer who I was. I am now this new person. You eat well, you don't hang out with people who drink all the time, you don't do drugs all the time, and you work out. And it was really hard and terrifying because I had not been out of shape before. But going into a gym, being overweight was so hard for me. Like, walking in there feeling like everyone was staring at me, feeling like I was out of shape, you know, saying no to all of the social things I'd been going to and drinking at. It was really hard for me. I didn't know how to say no to people and say, like, that's not what's best for me right now. And then basically, I. I ended up actually moving out of the house I was in because I lived with five, six other roommates in a house. And I felt like that environment is not one that is conducive with the future that I want. And I don't think staying here is going to help me reach my goals. And so I moved out. And the last, I think, year and a half that I was in college, I lived by myself, which is, like, unheard of, you know, especially for a woman. But I just didn't know another way that I could, like, cold turkey, stop. I needed to change my environment. I'd been to therapy, in and out, and talked to plenty of therapists and life coaches, all these things. And I constantly felt like it was just reopening something that I would never find a resolution to. The more that I focused on working on my future, the less the past had power over me and the less relevant it was to my life. And especially knowing that, what, 50% of it could be made up, I'm like, what if it was better? What if it was worse? I don't know. You know, this is my memory and my recollection, but I don't want to live my life beholden to a past that might not even be true. And so I just went heads down and, like, I'm going to create such a compelling life for myself that I don't even think about the past. You know, there's great waitresses and there's awful waitresses. There are great therapists, There are awful therapists. How does the person in the room know to judge? Oftentimes they don't. And so I think a lot of people fall prey to people that create dependency on them. You know, I actually think in studying what I have, which is in studying, like, some of the best, you know, psychiatrists and therapists from 100 years ago, most therapies should only take six to eight weeks. And I think that we created a culture in which people are dependent on therapy so that they can keep coming back and they get recurring revenue. So I look at it more as, like, that's a great business model for a therapist. Is that good for the patient? Probably not. Also, through a lot of the things that I studied, I just realized there is also self therapy, which is that you can therapize yourself. Now, who have studied the most for this has probably been Albert Ellis. I've read like all of his books. But I think that what I've realized is that you can change how you behave despite whatever happened to you. And so most people say, let me figure out why this happened. Like, why are you so upset about your son? Of course you're upset. What the hell? You know what I mean? Like, of course I'm upset that I'm like, what the hell? Like, that's normal and okay to be that upset. But is there anything that can be done about it? It's like, no. And then I think that people tend to demonize maybe the way that we feel afterwards and say that there must be something wrong with you for feeling depressed. That's baffling to me that people would think that there's anything wrong with feeling depressed or anxious or like you have something wrong with you. Because I think when we feel the true depths of negative human emotions, we do wonder if there's something wrong with us. But that's just life. And I think that we live in a society where people label it as there's something wrong with you. And I think I actually fell prey to it for a few years where therapists were telling me there was something wrong with me. And I, you know, after that I kind of took a step back. I was like, I think there's something wrong with you because you're labeling me, you know, and I'm doing all these things to make my life better. And you keep telling me why it shouldn't be and why it's okay to feel this way and keep reopening these wounds. And I just noticed it wasn't helping. But what did help every time was that I focused on the future and I changed my behavior. And I didn't allow anything that's ever happened to me in the past to be a reason of why I behave a certain way today. I could easily say, oh, I don't get close to people. I've got walls up. And so I'm a little colder. What? I'm a fully functioning third 31 year old adult. I can decide to act in a more productive way in my relationships. So what happened when I was 14 should affect what happens when I'm 31. Like what happens is that an event occurs and then oftentimes to deal with that event, we take on unproductive behaviors and then we don't stop and they go on for 10 or 15 years. And then we say, well, in Order to change this unproductive behavior, I should figure out why this thing happened to me and put reason behind it. And I've just found that, what if I just changed the unproductive behavior and it didn't matter why I was doing it, but I changed it anyways? And so I think that's the kind of approach that I've taken to things, is I look at it very much like I am not in control always. We don't choose the thoughts and feelings we have some days. Like, we can choose to focus on things, but can I choose if it pops up in my head? Like, no. I can observe it and try not to focus on it. But what I can do is that despite what I think and despite what I feel, I can change my behavior. And that has been, like, the one thing that has brought me relief in everything, because I can feel as bad as I want. I don't have to act that way. And I think that I've gotten a lot of relief from that. But I don't know, for me, it felt very unproductive talking about all of those things, because I think that a lot of them also are predicated on. I think that imagine this, right? Somebody dies, and you live in one of the western or eastern Indian countries. They celebrate death, and they're happy, and they're overjoyed that those people are dead. And then they move on and go on with their lives. Here we're told it's a bad thing and we should be sad. And therefore, people grieve for months, years, decades. And so when I hear that, I think to myself, it's all, in a way, expectations, societal norms, and almost the placebo effect. You know, I remember when I broke up with a boyfriend, and then I moved across the United States to California, and a therapist told me she was probably the only good therapist I've ever had. I said, I just, you know, I can't get over him. I'm just so sad. She's like, well, how long has it been? I said, two months. She said, how long were you together? Fourteen months. She's like, why are you still sad? And I was like, well, I heard it takes, like, half the time you've been with somebody to get over them. She said, I think that's Leila. And in the moment, I was stunned that a therapist would say, that's. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, it takes however long you decided to take, start living your life again. And that frame I've applied to pretty much everything. Because I have just found that continuing to think about things that don't make our lives better just tend not to help us. I think I found for me that the more that I try to get rid of a feeling, the more I feel it. If I'm feeling frustrated or I'm feeling angry or I'm feeling anxious, and then I think, oh, you shouldn't feel this way. I don't want to feel like this. Let me go do something to try and not feel like this. I actually create more of it because I think I'm just guessing. It's like I'm telling myself it's not okay. And therefore, now I'm stressed about feeling stressed. I'm not just stressed. I'm now stressed of feeling stressed. And so for me, I've just found that what has worked best has been I accept that I'm going to feel awful. And I can get really good at feeling awful. In fact, I think that I have mastered feeling awful. And that's what people don't get. They're like, how do you do all these things? I'm like, I'm really great at doing anything feeling awful. Like, I can speak on stage while I feel awful. I can lead a meeting while I feel awful. I can do a presentation while I feel awful. I can run a book launch while I feel awful. I can do all these things while I feel awful. And I think that most people, when they feel awful, act awful. They stay in bed, they act depressed, they act how they feel. And what I have found is that that just compounds the feeling of bad, whether it's stress, anxiety or awfulness, grief, et cetera. You feel more that way because you behave that way. For me, what I found is that one, eventually I will start to feel less awful if I stop thinking about it and I start doing the thing right. Because I'm going to be more focused on what I'm doing than how I'm feeling. And then second, second to that is, if I can do something while feeling awful, how easy is it to do it? When I feel good, how much more skilled will I be at that thing? And so that's. I've looked at it in that way, which is like, I seek out to do things in imperfect conditions, because then when there are perfect conditions, I have an unfair advantage. I don't feel awful today. I got a full night's sleep. I'm prepared. Amazing. This is going to be a cakewalk, you know, because I'm used to being up all night the night before, being stressed, not Being prepared because something was last minute and doing it anyways. And so does it feel good in the moment? No, but it creates a sense of confidence that then turns into a feeling of trust with myself. And that is something that is worth so much more to me than feeling good every day.
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B
I would love to maybe talk about like maybe the first arrest. Like, what was one of those moments?
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A
Like, I don't think that the first, even three or four times that I got arrested, I didn't think it was a big deal. And I think that a lot of people would assume that I would have but one context of like the town I was in. Lots of people got arrested. It wasn't like a novel thing. The people I hung out with got arrested, wasn't a novel thing. Some of them had been to jail or prison. So it wasn't weird based on the people I hung out with. And then I think even further to that point, I think there's this shift that happens when you're in your early 20s and I can't. I don't know anything about the science of it, but all I know is that until a certain point in my life, I felt invincible. I felt like I could do things, I could drive drunk, I could drink, I could act all sorts of ways and I wouldn't have to bear the consequences that others would. I know that there's a saying in the army where they say it's like the best friend syndrome or something to that degree. I would have to look it up. And basically what it is is that they ask everyone that joins the army, are you afraid of dying? And they say, no, I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm worried Jimmy, my best friend's gonna die. Well, interview all the people that come to the army. Literally everyone's worried about their friend and not themselves. And what are the stats? So some of them are going to die. And I think that the same went for me at that point in my life, which was like, oh, I understand where this is going, but that won't be me. I'm not going to be one of those people. I'm not actually going to end up getting put in jail. I'm not actually going to end up drinking myself to death. I'm not actually going to end up with any of those things. And it wasn't until my dad, on my sixth arrest, I woke up at my parents house and my father was waiting downstairs for me, which was like the worst, one of the most sickening moments of my life. To wake up there where I didn't live, have a ticket next to me of my arrest and then have to walk downstairs to confront them. It was just like opening the door to walk down was like, I can still feel how I felt in that moment. It was awful. And I remember thinking that he was going to, like, come down on me, tell me how awful I am. He doesn't want to talk to me again, whatever. And I was prepared for that. But what I wasn't prepared for was that I walked down and he was sitting on the couch with my stepmother. And he looked at me, and he just looked sad. And he said, I'm not going to try and control you. I'm not going to try and threaten you. I'm not going to try and do anything. I just wanted to let you know that I am worried if you continue to do this, that you're going to kill yourself. And it was like, in that moment, the fact that he thought that. That that would happen to me, it was just baffling. And that was what, in my mind, that was the thing that made me like, I can't do this anymore. I can't drink. My father is, like, the nicest person. He came here from Iran. He started this family. He's only done everything to try and make my life better. Everything that he's done for me, he's been a fantastic father. And to feel like I put him in a situation where he's worried that I'm going to kill myself. And I respect my dad's opinion. It was the moment that I was like, I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't drink like this. I can't keep getting arrested. Like, I can't keep around.
- [17:35]
B
If you didn't have a role model like your father, like, what. What did the situation look like?
- [17:39]
A
I think my dad has been the anchor for me many times in my life. Like, I think very angry. And I don't think that's like, a. An emotion that I think a lot of girls get sad. But I was angry and, like, raging at all points and times at everybody. And my dad was so empathetic and so patient with me. And he was. In many ways, I think he was the reason I was able to stop acting that way. Because it was like, no matter what, he didn't let me skip any commitments I had. He was like, you're still gonna do all these things. Doesn't matter how you feel. It doesn't matter. All this. Like, you've got to stick with your commitments. So to that degree, I think he anchored me a lot at that age. And then I think as I got older, you know, when I was spiraling, drinking all the time and doing drugs, having him say that again, it's not like it was something I didn't know. But I think sometimes having somebody from the outside say it is much more powerful, especially in those moments where you're convincing yourself otherwise. And I think that that's what my dad has done for me so many times in my life is he's kind of pulled it. He has just provided me with a mirror at which to accurately see myself. And, you know, I don't know if anyone else would have done that because I think that what I was doing was not abnormal for the people around me, but it was for him. And I think that that's why I'm so grateful for him. Because my whole life he's been that. He's just been the anchor. I think there's been so much fluctuation. Life changes so much. There's all these things. Even my dad, you know, one day he won't be here, but while he is, he is a complete rock for me. And I think he's also inspired me to do that for other people.
- [19:32]
B
Is there a particular moment or story that would encapsulate or describe your dad to.
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A
To.
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B
To somebody else?
- [19:41]
A
Yeah. I don't even know why I'm crying, but I remember when I moved out of my mom's house and in with my dad. I was so anxious and I was so scared, mad, whatever. I felt so weird because I. I moved in with him. He was now married, and then they had her kids in the house and then it was just me and I felt so out of place. I felt so much unfamiliarity. You know, I hadn't been as close with him growing up as I had been with my mother. So it felt weird at first. You know, he wasn't. At that point, I wouldn't have considered my dad the rock I do now. It became that after I moved in with him, but I remember I told him I didn't feel like it felt like home. And I would like lay awake at night feeling like this isn't my house. I feel scared, I feel uncomfortable. And I remember one day I came home and my dad had been looking and I think we were at a store and I saw this furniture set and it was. You have to think, I'm 15, a girl at the time. It had this beautiful white crested vanity and bed and dresser, and it was so beautiful. And I remember I was like oh, my gosh, this is so pretty. It's so beautiful. But it was so expensive, you know, And I wasn't thinking I would ever get furniture anyways. We always had hand me down stuff we never got, like new things, stuff. And I remember I came home one day and I walked into my room and it was all the furniture that I'd seen at the store. And my dad looked at me and he was like, you know, you. You deserve everything. Like, I want you to feel comfortable here. I want you to feel safe and at home. And I remember thinking to myself, like, I just don't deserve you as a father. Because I was so angry. And it's so funny because I broke down in tears because I felt so undeserving of that furniture. I couldn't even fathom that my dad spent that much money on it. For me, who was acting like a complete, but that's who he is. He's the guy that shows up when you're acting like a complete and he's there to be like, but you're not. Like, this isn't who you are and you're going to get back on track. And he's unwavering in that instance. Like, no matter how I'm feeling, my dad doesn't change how he shows up. And I think that that's why I consider him to be a rock. And that's what I think that I have been able to emulate for others, which is like, no matter how angry somebody is, no matter how sad they are, no matter how depressed, I won't waver and therefore they can rely on me because how they feel isn't going to change how I show up. And I think that was like the best gift he could have given me. Cause to this day, he does that.
- [22:17]
B
I know you've had to deal with a lot of conflict online. How have you dealt with that in.
- [22:22]
A
It was very hard for me in the beginning to deal with negativity online because I think it never comes in the ways that you expect it. Like, you expect people will say one thing about you, but then it's almost like whatever blind spots you have about yourself that maybe you didn't notice or you didn't think were bad or didn't think were weird. People exposed you to them in the comments, right? And so then you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't think that was weird. Number one thing for me, my voice, everyone always is tearing apart. Are you a smoker? Are you a tranny? Are you a. What's the third one, smoker, tranny are on steroids. And I'm like, how could anyone ever think that? And for the first I want to say year that I made content, it was hard for me. I was like, you know, first I took the. Like, I'm going to read all the comments every time and just, like, take it to the gut, you know, and I'm going to get stronger if I read them. And, you know, that sometimes was really tough when, like, you know, a TikTok video would hit off and there would be like a thousand comments saying, like, are you on steroids? Are you a trainer? You a smoker? And I was like, wow. Like, nobody even listens to the content. And it wasn't until I had a conversation with Alex where I said, like, I hate that this bothers me. It doesn't change what I'm doing. I continue to make the content. I continue to do everything I'm doing, but I am bothered by this. And he said, well, does part of you think it's true? And I was like, is what true? He's like, do you think your voice is weird? And I was like, well, it is kind of weird. Like, it's deep. It's always been deep and raspy. And he's like, so then why do you blame them for thinking this? And I was like, I don't. And it was like, in that moment, I was like, I agree with you. It does sound that way. I do sound like I'm on steroids or a tranny or a smoker. And you know what? That's my voice, and it is what it is. And I think it's funny because I remember that moment, and from that point on, I see the comments and I don't. It's so seldom, ever bugs me ever, anymore. It's like, I agree I have a weird voice. Own it. Just own your. And anytime I see anyone say anything about just anything negative in the comments, of, of course people at times are gonna think, you know, because I'm married to Alex, maybe it's like, oh, she's just riding his coattails. Or, you know, I got my nose done. And they're like, oh, she's very insecure about all her looks. Like, of course the things that I'm putting out there would make people think that. I don't blame them for thinking those things. Can I understand why people comment those things? No. But I'm also glad I don't have their life. And it is what it is. So I think for me, a lot of the times that I see people really struggling with the hate they get online. It's because in some way they agree with it. And it is true. My voice is deep and weird.
- [25:26]
B
The theme, I think, of your life almost is this ultimate ownership. Like, how important is it to just have ownership over everything?
- [25:34]
A
I think it has brought me a sense of freedom, because when you blame other people, you steal yourself. You rob yourself of the opportunity to do anything about the situation, you know? And so is it somebody else's fault? Maybe? Is it still your problem to deal with? Yes. And so, you know, is it my fault my voice is so low? I don't know. Do I still get to deal with it? Yes. I just, like, seldom are the people who are the cause of our problems also the ones to fix them. It's us.