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Self respect is built in systems that make it easy for us to keep promises to ourselves. Respect is taught through consequences, not conversation. Saying to somebody, you need to respect me is useless unless there is no consequence. When they don't respect you, nobody disrespects us without our permission. And so respect is taught by what you accept, not what you explain to people. So let's go back to the cheating example. My boyfriend cheated on me. And I told him, if you ever do this again, you, you have to respect me. You can't treat me like this. Words, just words. Words don't mean if you really wanted him to respect you, you would leave. And then maybe at that point you have a chance at salvaging the relationship because he has now learned there's a consequence. If I cheat, she leaves. Versus before it was, if I cheat, she just says some up to my face. She talks at me, I get yelled at for a day. The same goes for teammates. If they disrespect you and all you do is say words, nothing changes. But if you say, I'm taking this project away and you just take it away, if you demote somebody, if you suspend somebody, okay, now there's a consequence and that is likely not going to happen again. So here's the thing. Nobody is going to respect you unless you demand it through action, not through talking. There was a time when somebody said something to me. I remember this. There was an employee and they made a joke about me in front of my team and I was in a meeting with them. There was like probably six of us and I didn't say anything. I just left. And me leaving it taught me something, which was that there was nothing I could have said that would have been more powerful than me leaving that room. Not only did I get an apology, I got the most remorseful letter I've ever read. I can't believe I offended you so badly you left the room. And the thing was is that I didn't feel bad about myself for leaving the room. I didn't regret it later because what would I have done otherwise? Say something. Emotionally vomit. Then I'm doing something that feels out of alignment with my values because I don't like yelling at people in front of people. I don't like making people feel bad. I also don't like being made to feel bad. So I just left. And that's why people will respect us through our actions, not our words. Which brings me to point five, which is mastering emotions is one of the highest forms of self respect. People who are really, really powerful people who have true personal power, they don't yell at people. Emotional outbursts, they can feel satisfying, but they don't teach people anything. Calm, decisive action does. And so mastering our own emotions is how we successfully create boundaries without all the drama. You don't need to yell. You don't need to shout to explain yourself. You decide ahead of time what happens the next time somebody does something, and then you follow through with it. When the thing happens, when they do this thing, when they say this thing, when they have this action, no yelling, no emotional vomiting, no explaining, you just do the next thing. That means that if somebody cheats on you and you're thinking to yourself, I will leave, you don't need to yell at them. You just leave. The next time your boss yells at you, so say something demeaning to you. They talk about how you're not worth something. They do something unethical, you just leave. You don't say something. This is not about your boss. This is about you. It's about you respecting yourself enough to walk away from the situation and not need to emotionally vomit on somebody, because that, again, is going to make you respect yourself less. So what does handling your emotions look like in practice? We do not fight. We don't argue, we don't yell. We don't call people names that are derogatory. Instead, we choose silence and action over conflict. We use our actions, not our words. It's funny how we're taught that when we're young, like, use your words. Like, no, use your actions. We distance ourselves rather than trying to prove a point to somebody. And then we calmly exit situations instead of emotionally exhausting ourselves in front of people. And I know it feels like you have to confront everybody every time they wrong you, but you leaving and enacting a consequence says more than any word could ever say to somebody. And so anytime you create drama, think about it, you end up respecting yourself less. So you have to learn to master your emotions, stay calm, and use your actions. The sixth tactic is that high respect. People never argue to be respected. They just leap. So you'll never see a confident person begging to be valued. They've already decided their worth before they walked in the door. An example of this is like, when I was in college, I had a boyfriend that I was with for a year and a half. I found out he cheated on me, and he told me. And I remember sitting there and the first thing that came out my mouth was, okay, well, I guess we can't be together. And I remember he Was like, first, shocked that I wasn't yelling. Secondly, shocked like, oh, wait, what? He was like. He was like, he could not compute. I'm sure that guy had never had a girl not scream and rip his head off when he had cheated because he'd definitely done it before. And I was just like, yeah, well, then we can't be together. And I remember I made a choice consciously in that moment. I was like, I want to respect the woman I am and how I handle this situation. Because guess what? I had already decided if anyone ever cheated on me, I. I would walk away in silence. I'm not gonna yell, I'm not gonna scream. I'm just gonna be done. And why is that? Because it's not about them. It's not about how they feel in the situation. It's not about if they know they disrespected me. It's because I wouldn't respect myself if I turned into the girl who screamed, who cried, who begged. I don't wanna be that person. I don't wanna carry that with me. I don't wanna wake up the next morning and think about that. And so I said, we can be friends. If anything, he was a nice guy. I liked him. He'd made a mistake. But I was like, I've already decided, I'm done. We're not gonna be together in a situation. I know a lot of people think, well, shouldn't I try and talk it out? Am I just giving up and talk? Why do we talk to people? We talk to people because we want to change something about what they do. So my favorite thing that my husband and I do is that when we have tension, when we have anything we disagree on, we just say, what would you like me to do differently? Because we have all this drama in relationships, people stay up until three. I've never done that in the last 10 years of my marriage, by the way. I do not stay up till 3am we do not have late night fights. It's very short, to the point, like, we get it, we have this down. What do you want me to do differently? I don't need you to yell at me. I just want to know what behavior would you like me to change? And then I can decide if I'm willing to do that or not. And if I'm not, we'll just come up with a different way of doing this. And the second piece is that, like, leaving doesn't mean that you give up. It means that you grew up. You recognize that some conversations don't need to be had. Not every conversation needs to be had. It really doesn't. And if they didn't change after the first time that this situation occurred, then they're probably not going to change after the fifth or the sixth. And so walking away from a situation is not quitting. It's choosing to respect yourself more than the situation. And that is why respect doesn't start with other people. It starts with you, with how you behave, with how you show up. And it's what you tolerate. And the version of you that you're trying to be can't survive in an environment where you're constantly disrespected by yourself.