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Success requires autonomy. Happiness requires connection. They're not even close. What you actually get when you get more successful is often a smaller circle of people who actually support you and a larger amount of people who feel threatened by you and dislike you. If you don't make peace with this now, you are never going to enjoy winning. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Build. And today I want to talk about the truth about haters. I want to talk about haters today. You have haters, I have haters. The question is not whether you're going to deal with hate and whether you deal with people who hate you. It's whether you're going to let it destroy you. I think a lot of people handle haters wrong. And this is one thing that I do think I've gotten semi right, at least I think that it does not affect my quality of life. I think a lot of times we see people either ignore the problem or they make it worse. And so I want to share with you guys just four mental frameworks that have changed how I think about hate and I hope will change how you think about hate. This really became top of mind for me because I have a friend and plus her heart. She just started getting a pretty big social media following. And she came to me the other day and she was like, oh my God, like, look at this video. And there was a video that somebody was spreading online where they had completely altered. I mean, they'd used AI clearly what she was doing, what she said, and it made her look like she was making like a very inappropriate video. I'll just put it that way. And she was flabbergasted. She's like, this is completely contrary to my brand. I'm getting all these crazy messages. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, like, what, what do I do in this instance? And you know, she put out. She ended up before she told me this, she's like, I put out a message just saying, like, this is not what this means. This is what this person did all these things. And like, still, even upon putting that out, a lot of people didn't believe her, right? They still were hating on her. She was still getting messages. And here's the thing, she put out that message one time on her social media channel, but that video keeps getting circulated. So even if she responded to it, people keep seeing it. So unless you're saying it every day, all day on your social media, which would be incredibly distracting and probably a bad association, people are still going to see the video and not know your response. And so she was like, leo, I don't know what to do. I feel like crap. I am just upset about stuff, and I'm not really sure how to handle this. And so I was talking to her through this because, you know, one thing she said when we were talking is she was like, you know, I think one thing that I thought is that as I got more famous, as I got a bigger following, like, I thought more people would like me. And I was like, oh, man. Like, I love you, but that's just not how this goes. And I kind of broke down a couple of these frameworks for her, and so I wanted to break them down for you guys, because I think a lot of people really struggle with this. I think a lot of people still at the quote top really struggle with this. And it's one thing that I'm going to be honest. In the beginning, when I started making social media, oh, my God, I struggled with it so bad. The first 18 months, guys, they were brutal. Everything I saw about myself, everything people were saying, the videos that people would make about me, I mean, it was just really bad. And I don't know if that was because I didn't, like, have a big following yet or. Or what, but there was something that, like, until I think I had, like, 400,000 followers on Instagram. I remember that point. I felt like it was like a little bit of a turning point. And I'm not really sure what happened at that point, but, you know, things started to turn around. I think at some point, you get large enough following that people are like, okay, maybe they actually are legit. But it was bad before that. And the thing is, is that I never thought that it was going to go away. And so I had to approach how I handled the hate with the framework of, like, this will last forever. I think there's a framework for. Maybe it's the army or the Navy, which is like, if this were to happen for a thousand years, like, how would I think about this situation? Because they have to go through so many things that are so disturbing. And I kind of took that frame, and so I wanted to give you guys the few. That frame and a couple others that have helped me that I was sharing with her that also helped me early in my journey. You know, the first one is playing it out. Okay. The first question people ask me and that she asked me, should I respond to the haters? And the wrong question is to ask that. Okay. The right question to ask is, what do you want to have happen when someone attacks you, okay, your nervous system goes haywire, goes into fight or flight. This is the stimulus response loop. You get hit, your brain screams, fight back. That's what happens. This is normal, and this is everybody, okay? You have not risen above human nature. But here's what makes most people miss. Responding usually makes it worse, okay? Think of hate like fire, and your reaction is like gasoline. You can either feed the flames or you can starve them out. So every time you respond, you are giving them what they want. They want your fucking attention, okay? You are proving to them that they can get under your skin. And you're teaching them this works. Because what happens is, for them, they're creating a response loop as well. Stimulus is that they put something out there. The response is that you respond to it, and now they get what they want. And so what are they gonna do? They're gonna do more. They did this thing. It got them what they wanted. Now they will do more of what they want. Now, I know this feels terrible. You're like, but I can't have them saying these things about me. But I can't have these things out there. Well, they're out there whether you want them to or not. And guess what? We have a lot less control than we think we do. We cannot control what people say about us. We cannot control what they post online. We can control how we respond. And so the question that I ask myself and then I ask other people to ask themselves is, do I want this to stop, or do I just want to feel better? What do I want to have happen? Oftentimes when people ask themselves that, they're like, well, I want them to stop. And I'm like, well, then don't respond. Because by responding, you give them what they want, Therefore, they'll do it again. If you want them to stop, oftentimes, you need to starve it out. You need to just allow them to keep doing the thing and not give any reaction to them for doing the thing. That's pretty much it. Now, here's the hard part. Other people are probably giving them reactions. So it's not your reaction that's always feeding it, but your reaction will magnify and amplify by far way more than any random person on the Internet can. And so the best thing that you can do here is just starve it out. And that's. That question has been so freeing for me, guys. Like, what do I want to have happen? Well, I don't want them to keep talking about this. Well, ironically, the Best thing for me to do is often nothing. Just let it exist and understand that this is kind of how the world goes sometimes. And I can tell you guys, like, I remember there was one guy and he put out a, I think it was like a 20 minute YouTube video about me. This was like three or four years ago. And it was brutal, like, just ripping me apart. Not for anything business wise, for how I looked, for how I talked, for how I dressed. Like, it was just, it was a complete, like assassination on just like my physical being. And it was horrifying because it had like half a million views by the time I saw it. And I didn't know what to do. And I was like, how do I respond? How do I react? All these people are offering to like, you know, just completely slash his character, get him canceled, all these things. And I just said, you know what? Nothing, do nothing. Like, I want this to go away. And so therefore the best response is do nothing. I don't want to respond, I don't want to acknowledge people are going to ask me about it, sure. And like, I just am not going to respond. It just is what it is. This person has the right to say whatever they want about me. I think it's bullying, it's harassment, but, like, I can't stop it. I'm here to do nothing. And here's the thing, it blew over in like 10 days. And I think that's, you know, going with this piece, like the average news cycle, right? People forget about terrible things that happen in this world. People who get hurt, people who get, you know, lost, people who have horrible things happen. And people forget within two days, three days, four days, because something new happens. So, like, please remember, in two weeks you will be yesterday's news. And I think that will make it a lot more bearable when you think, gosh, I can't believe I have nothing to do. I should be doing nothing right now. I know it's crazy now only with that, right, is the second principle that I like to use and apply to this, which is what I call the so what principle, okay? Someone trashes you online, they spread rumors, they talk shit. And so what? I ask people this all the time, okay? And this is actually what I say. I'm like, has this changed your life? Did you lose money? Did your spouse leave you? Did your partners drop you? Did your customers leave you? 98% of the time, nothing has happened, okay? Happiness and contentness is a skill and you cultivate it by detaching from the external noise. If someone's words don't alter your actual circumstances. They are only hurting you if you decide they matter. If it doesn't matter, then you can move on. If it does matter and it is affecting you, then you can deal with it. But don't live in this gray area where you pretend it doesn't matter while letting it eat you alive and ruin your business and ruin your relationship. Right? But oftentimes you also can't play it up. Don't live your life acting like it does matter when it doesn't. Don't act like it's affecting you when there's nothing has affected. Like, has it affected your stats? That's what I say. Like, look at your stats. Health, wealth, love, happiness, career, money. Have they gone up or down? You might actually look and be like, actually, they're still going up. It's like, well, then, what has this done to affect your life aside from make you mad that somebody says mean things? Nothing. So you have to ask yourself, so what? So what if they say mean things about me? So what? Whatever people can say mean things about me, they can say whatever they want. Like, you don't have the right to control what people say about you. And now I know what you're saying. It's like, Layla, maybe it's like really bad bullying or really bad harassment. I understand there's exceptions to all circumstances. However, 99% of the time, someone's just being a fucking troll or there's being a fucking hater, and it's like, there's really nothing you can do about. You just let it happen. So what? It's not affecting your life. And that has helped me so many times because I've actually never once had hate so bad that it has truly affected my life to that degree. And I have had some pretty bad hate, guys. I've had some pretty bad hate. And it has still never affected to that degree. Now, going with that is a concept that I think kind of wraps this all up under an umbrella, which is understanding that the price of success is hate. This is the truth. And when I was talking to my friend, I really just tried to, like, ram this into her head. The more successful you become, the more people will hate you, period. I have watched this in my own life. I've watched it with my friends. I've watched it with so many people that I have relationships with. There's a direct correlation. People who cheer with you at one level turn on you at the next. And sometimes it's the people who swore that they would never hate you. But Then the second you surpass them, which they never thought was possible, then they flip. Now why is this? Why is it that with the more success you get, the more hate you get? Jealousy, insecurity. It's human nature. And guess what? We all have it. Some people are good at controlling it and others are not. And they let it spill out with comments and videos and takedowns and all these things. They let it spill out as hate. And if you are trying to be successful, if you're trying to accomplish something meaningful in life, if you are trying to go against the grain and not be like everybody else, if you do not get this, you will be miserable when you are successful. I promise you. There are so many things about success that are contradictory to being happy. Okay? Being happy and being successful, not the same thing. Being successful does not make you happy. Being happy does not make you successful. Now, I do think that in an ideal state, once you achieve success, you can invest in understanding how to be happy, or once you achieve happiness, you will be able to be more successful because you understand that you're not going to want to quit. I think now there are correlations in that way, but I think that oftentimes we just don't understand this and we think that success is going to make us happy. It's just they're not even the same skill. Success requires autonomy. Happiness requires connection. They're not even close. And so what you actually get when you get more successful is often a smaller circle of people who actually support you and a larger amount of people who feel threatened by you and dislike you. If you don't make peace with this now, you are never going to enjoy winning. Success does not make you happy. Happiness makes you happy. Success is a completely different piece of life. And so if you have a very hard time dealing with hate, you are going to have a very hard time dealing with success. Because success and hate go hand in hand. The more success, the more hate. Guys, I promise you, it doesn't matter what you're doing in this world. You can be getting clean water for people in Africa. You can be saving people's lives with cancer treatments. You will have just as many people who hate you, I promise. Because the reason that people hate successful people is because it makes them uncomfortable. And because there are so many people who get successful by doing shady things, they will make an assumption that you are also one of them. And so make peace with this. Don't feel the need to prove everybody wrong, but instead live out your values on a daily basis and ask yourself Am I living in alignment with my values? And if that's the case, who cares if they hate you? Which brings me to my last point. Oftentimes, what people hate you for is the downside to your upside. You see, the same thing that makes people love you is the same thing that makes others hate you. Your intensity might attract some people and they might really love you for it, and it repels and just disgusts other people. Your honesty might inspire some people, and then it threatens other people. Your confidence draws a lot of people in, but then it pushes other people away who are insecure. Now, here's the trap, and this is where a lot of people get caught up. I've seen this happen too many times. If you try to eliminate what people hate, you will water down what people love. And then you become vanilla, safe and forgettable. I have met so many people who have done this to themselves. They have branded themselves vanilla. They might have been different in the beginning, but then they got big enough, and then they're like, oh, yeah, and they start changing themselves. They start dressing differently, talking differently, acting differently. Now, why is that? It's all a defense mechanism to steer away hate. It's not because it's necessary. In fact, oftentimes the most successful people are the most polarizing people. However, it is a very scary thing to put yourself out there and have so many people put on blast things that are very true about yourself. And so if you decide to succumb to this and you become vanilla, you become safe, and you are easily forgotten, fewer people will hate you, I promise you that. But fewer people will love you as well. And that is not freedom. That is a prison of our own makings. And so you have to choose. You can either be watered down and unremarkable, or you can embrace the qualities that create deep loyalty but also create deep hate. You can't have both. And so please understand that if you try to eliminate the hate, you will also eliminate the love. I really believe that the more that I've opened myself up to hate, the more I've opened myself up to love. And it's just the truth. The more I am authentically myself, the more I can build meaningful, true relationships, the more that people hate me for who I am as well. I tried being vanilla in the beginning of my career. Trust me. I tried dressing in a way that I thought nobody would remark about. I tried speaking in a way that I thought nobody would remark about. I tried talking about topics that I felt were safe that nobody was going to judge me for. My opinions on. And you know what I found? I found that people still hated me. Now, maybe it's not as much hate as I've gotten since I've changed and really been more of myself, but what I realized is I still got plenty of hate. They just found something else to hate about. And so I remember asking myself this question. I was like, well, would you rather be hated for somebody that you're not or be loved for who you are? And that's really the choice. And I was like, I would rather be loved for who I am and hated for who I am than loved and hated for somebody that I'm not. And at least. At least in that instance, I have respect for myself. I have pride in who I am. I have confidence. And I don't feel the need to act in front of a camera, act in front of people, act in a boardroom. I can just show up as me. And that is so much more peaceful and so much more worth my while and so much more in line with the life I want than watering myself down because I want to avoid something. So if this hit home for you, I want to ask you or bring it home with these few questions. Okay? And insights for you. One, don't feed the beast with your reactions. It's like a hungry monster. If you keep feeding it, it gets bigger and bigger. The second is ask yourself, so what? Before you lose sleep over what people say about you, has anything actually happened? Has it actually changed your life or just your internal world? Accept that hate is part of a success package. It is a feature of success. It's not something that you get because of any other reason. It is part of the package. And lastly, do not dilute yourself to be more palatable because, ironically, less people will love you because less people also hate you. You cannot control who likes you. You cannot control who hates you. You can only control becoming the best version of yourself. You guys are awesome. I hope that you're having a great week, workout day, walk, whatever it is. As you're listening to this, it's 6am If I sound a little slow on this podcast, but I really wanted to get this out. I really wanted these be heard. I feel like so many of you struggle with this, and it honestly breaks my heart because, like, I know how hard it is. Like, I. Guys, it's not. I'm not immune to these things. I just worked really, really fucking hard on it. So you can get there, too. Put in the work. Remind yourself of these frameworks. Don't succumb to what other people want you to become.