← Build with Leila Hormozi
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This is brutally honest advice for women in their 20s. At the age of 19, I was arrested six times. I was 100 pounds overweight. I started my first business when I was 22 and I crossed 100 million dollar net worth at the age of 28. And this is my roadmap of the lessons I learned along the way. You settle for others because you settle for yourself. Most women and most people negotiate the type of partner that they want to have in their life in because they negotiate who they want to be in their life. Most people negotiate what type of friends they're going to have because they negotiate what type of friend they're going to be. You have to decide who you need to be to be surrounded by the type of people who would be attracted to that person. The reality is if you're complaining about your boyfriend, your husband, your spouse, your friends, your job, you're probably the problem. There's only one common denominator. If you don't like the people you're surrounded by, change the common denominator. This is the way that I looked at things, which was if I want better people in my life, I need to become a better person first. And I think we live in this day and age where we blame people and we talk about how toxic people are. There's nothing more toxic than blaming other people for your lack of something and then keeping them around complaining about them, when in reality it's you who needs to level up. Anytime that I noticed that I wanted different friends, I wanted to date somebody differently, I wanted to have a different job. I just said, how can I be better so that I'm worthy of that thing, so that that thing that I want wants me too. Here's the thing, right now, you might want those friends, you might want that guy. You're not a want match because guess what? They don't want you back. And that's the reality. And I wish somebody had told me that because everyone's like, no, you're amazing the way you are. And except you can be amazing and also have areas to improve. You can be a great person and also not be the best friend and the best girlfriend. Sometimes we all have areas to improve. Acceptance doesn't mean dismissal of flaws. And so what we want to do is be able to hold both hand in hand. I accept myself. And if I want these type of quality people in my life, I need to level up. So the first time that I recognized this was I was reading a book. It was actually Tony Robbins, Unleash the Power within and I was reflecting on why was my last relationship so, so shitty and not so shitty. But what I felt like is I was looking at my past relationships and what I noticed was I constantly had partners who I felt like almost suppressed me to a degree, meaning they didn't want what was best for me. And I asked myself, why is that? And what kind of partner do I really want? And I remember I went through this exercise in his book where it basically has you write down all the traits of the person that you're looking for, all your non negotiables, and list out all of those things in that person so you get crystal clear on the type of person you want. I remember writing all this list, putting all these things down and I was like, amazing. That's the kind of person I want. Like, not these people that I've had in my past. But then there's a second step to that, which is now write the list of who you need to be to be the person that your person is looking for. And I remember I wrote that list and I looked at it and I was like, I have room to improve. I see why I was in those relationships, I see why I had those friends. Because despite how I may feel about myself at times on paper, I think that I need to do these other things to be that person, to attract those kind of people. So what did I do about it? I didn't complain, I didn't cry, I didn't say that all men suck. I said I need to be a person worthy of better. And so what I did is I got to work on that fucking list, right? I lost £100, I started taking care of myself, I started respecting myself. I, I invested my skills, I bought online courses for sales and marketing, I took all of the extra time I had and read books, educated myself, and I just tried to become a better version of myself before demanding others treat me better. Because at the end of the day, nobody's going to respect you more than you respect yourselves. And to the degree that you respect yourself and you have standards for yourself, you will attract people who have those for you. But you're not going to be able to demand more of others than you demand of yourself. And I think that that was probably one of the most important things that I could have learned, was the reason that I settled for all these people is not because I was settling for people, it's because I was settling for myself. I settled for what was acceptable in terms of my fitness, in terms of my health, in terms of my mindset. In terms of my character, in terms of my integrity, in terms of my confidence. And I had to take a really hard look in the mirror and say, are you yet the woman that you wish to be? Are you yet the woman that you look up to? And the answer was no. And so it's like, cool, let's get to fucking work. And I think a lot of you might be in this situation if you're in your 20s. Like, of course you're not that person yet. You need to put in time to acquire the skills. But let's not fool ourselves and say that just because we accept ourselves today doesn't mean that we should improve for tomorrow. That is truly how human evolution works. We are constantly evolving people. And so to try and suppress that and just say that I accept myself no matter what, in all these circumstances, all these people, there's a great power in acceptance, but there's also a limiter if we use it as a scapegoat, not to improve ourselves. The third piece of advice I have for women in their 20s is learn how to invest in your skills so you can make money and be free. So what is being free? My definition of being free is being able to act without fear of consequence. So what does that mean? Why is it that in some rooms you might be in a room of people and you want to go home? Right, because you might feel like, I can't slouch down on the couch when people are around. I can't take off my bra when people are around. And so for me, freedom is being able to act as I am without fear that somebody is going to condemn me for it. So to be free from rejection, from fear of failure, from judgment from other people, we have to give ourselves the thing that we seek from others if we invest in our skills. Skills compound faster than money. So invest in your skills now so you can invest your money later. A lot of people ask me, they're like, leila, should I invest my money? I'm like, yes, invest your money in bettering yourself. You are the fastest compounding asset that you have right now, especially in your 20s, and so you want to triple down on that. Skills always go up in value, can never be stolen, and constantly compound. The first time I realized how valuable it was to acquire skills to invest in myself and to learn how to make money was when I made my first sale. Before I made my first sale, I had so much insecurity around money. I felt like it was out of control for me. I felt like I didn't understand how people got rich. I didn't understand how money worked. And there's a lot of limiting beliefs around my ability to have make and just have large amounts of money. And it all started with learning sales. And so what I did was I took a job at a gym where I had to learn sales in order to actually have a job there. And that was pretty terrifying. But I knew I was, like, the richest people in the world and the most successful people that I've seen. I all learned sales. Every single person I look up to, they've learned sales. And so I was like, I've got to do it, even though it freaking terrifies me. And so I spent a ton of time studying, researching, watching videos, reading books, doing all these things to learn the skill of sales. And I was no less terrified than probably somebody watching this video. The first time that I even approached somebody to try and make a sale, the lady literally told me, fuck off. I remember I went to the bathroom and I cried. You know what I did after I cried? I wiped off my fucking tears. And I got back out there on the field. What happened was I kept trying. I kept working at it. I went from sucking to sucking less, to being mediocre, to being okay, to being good, to then great, to then the top salesperson where I worked. And the way that I did that was by doubling down on my skills. And you want to know why I doubled down is because I got a taste of what real freedom feels like when you know that you can rely on yourself. The first sale I ever made, it wasn't about the money. It was about the fact that I knew that this was a skill that nobody could take away from me. I didn't need to rely on anybody else for money because I know how to make it for myself now. Now, what does this mean? This means that I don't need anybody in my life, which means I don't need to get somebody into my life because I am lonely, because I am dependent. I want people in my life because they make my life better. So then what I did with all the money I was generating from the sales is I said, how can I use this to get more skills? Because my goal was to learn rather than earn. Skills compound faster than money. And this is what you should focus on when you're in your 20s, which is focus on learning right now, not on earning. So I took all my money and I bought a course. And it was a course that I had seen that people had said they'd be making, you know, 50, 60, 70, thousand dollars a month using this course to make money online. And so I took all my money and I bought this course. And you want to know what happened? I bought the wrong course. And it was a no refund policy. So I took at that point, it was from my first, like, two weeks of sales, I had like $5,500. I bought a $5,000 course that was the wrong course. I emailed support. They never emailed me back. But you know what I learned from that? I learned a valuable skill, which was I was not detail oriented enough. Because guess what? I bought course two before course one. And so it's funny because in that moment, I could have been so upset with myself and so annoyed, but I was like, I actually learned a really valuable lesson here is that I need to slow down sometimes because the fact that I just spent $5,000, which was pretty much all my money, to buy something that wasn't even the fucking right thing. And I didn't even read the refund policy, even that in itself was such a valuable lesson to me because I was thinking I was going to get all these lessons from the course itself, but instead, life taught me a lesson, which is I need to slow the fuck down and learn how to be a little more detail oriented. But all in all, what learning how to acquire skills, learning how to invest in myself really did for me was that it gave me the freedom to seek a partner who made my life better, rather than a partner who I needed to function. I was in Newport Beach, California, and I was constantly working at a gym, being a personal trainer who's a girl, getting approached by guys who were like, oh, my gosh, did you know he's a billionaire? He owns this company, he's got this yacht. It's crazy. He owns this nightclub. And every time I got approached by that, and I would have clients who were constantly telling me about going on dates with all these guys. And I was like, why are you going to date with him? He seems like an asshole. And like, he's old and fat, confused. And they were like, well, like, he has a lot of money, Layla. And like, I'm looking for somebody who can take care of me. And I was like, damn, I'm looking for that person, too. But I just decided to become them. And a lot early on, a lot of women that I was surrounded with, you know, they said I was going about it the wrong way, that no guy was going to want to date a girl who knew how to make her own money. But here's the thing. I knew that I didn't want to be in a relationship that I was in for any reason other than this person makes my life better. I want this person in my life. Being with this person is better than being alone. So the question is, do you want people in your life because they genuinely make your life better, or because you're too afraid of being alone? I wanted a partner who made my life better, who expanded my life, expanded my vision of myself, not a security blanket. And so if you're in your 20s and you're trying to figure out what you need to do, because I think a lot of women in their 20s, you have two things on your mind, which is you're trying to figure out, career wise, what route do you go, and also, relationship wise, what route do you go? The route that I took was hard, do not get me wrong. Like, it was not traditional, but what it's allowed me to have later is a sense of self that I know that even if I wasn't with the person that I'm with, who I love so much, I would be okay. And that is a sense of freedom that nobody can ever take away from me. And I have that sense of freedom because I know how to take care of myself, mentally, physically, financially, emotionally. And so the longer that you procrastinate, investing in yourself, procrastinate investing in your skills, the longer you also delay finding that right person for you. Because at the end of the day, do you want to be in a relationship because you need them or because they genuinely make your life better? Because you're sitting there alone and you're like, I actually wish I was with this person instead. And I don't know about you, but the thought of feeling like I have to be with somebody because I need to depend on them financially, or I need them to fulfill some kind of void that I have has just never appealed to me.