"Make-a-Wish" Kash Patel Turned the FBI Into a Bachelor Party

Summary

Bulwark Takes — “Make-a-Wish” Kash Patel Turned the FBI Into a Bachelor Party

Podcast Date: May 15, 2026
Host: Tim Miller (The Bulwark)

---

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the ongoing saga of FBI Director Kash Patel’s controversial conduct, focusing on his blending of official duties with personal indulgences—most notably, VIP leisure activities during taxpayer-funded trips. Tim Miller lampoons the optics and implications of Patel’s travels, raising concerns about leadership, professionalism, and misuse of public resources. In a second segment, Miller discusses Donald Trump’s latest legal maneuvering regarding his tax returns and a wild proposed settlement using taxpayer money.

---

1. Kash Patel’s “VIP Lifestyle” as FBI Director

The Honolulu “Work Trip”

[00:00 – 03:00]

• Tim Miller cuts in with breaking news: Kash Patel, labeled the “Make-a-Wish FBI director,” made headlines for taking a “VIP snorkel” tour at the Pearl Harbor site in Honolulu, Hawaii, while officially on a work trip.
  • Miller paints a sarcastic picture: “It’s kind of like The Amazing Race meets Make-a-Wish meets being in charge of America’s domestic security and counterintelligence.” (00:45)
• Refers to earlier incidents: Patel shotgunning beers with the Olympic hockey team, VIP jet skiing, bringing his girlfriend to Windsor Castle, and attending a Premier League match—often in the context of important international intelligence meetings.

Questionable Priorities & Official Excuse

[02:20 – 04:00]

• Miller ridicules the justification that Patel had to visit the Honolulu field office in person, implying it was more about vacation than business.
  • “We can’t have a Zoom meeting with the team in the Honolulu office. I gotta go see it.” (02:33)
• Raises security implications with biting humor: “Who knows, there might be an Iranian sleeper cell on the beach in Maui.” (03:07)

The VIP Snorkeling Scandal

[03:09 – 04:45]

• The AP found via public records request that the snorkeling was a military-coordinated VIP event not included in the official FBI itinerary or press releases.
• While such VIP swims around the USS Arizona have been afforded to high-ranking officials, a Marine veteran is quoted as saying:
  • “This is like having a bachelor party at a church. It’s hallowed ground. It should have been treated with the solemnity it deserves.” (04:18)

Larger Pattern of Questionable Behavior

[04:48 – 06:43]

• Miller describes a larger picture of Patel’s tenure—regularing traveling, attending parties, often allegedly intoxicated.
  • Cites an earlier conversation with former FBI Director Jim Comey:
    • “If you want to take this job, this is a 24/7 job…you’re not allowed to go on vacation.” (05:13)
    • “Criminals don’t go on vacation.” (05:24)
  • Miller, underscoring the misuse, quips:
    • “If you wanted to take a job where you were doing VIP snorkeling and jet skiing events…you could have been a Fox News commentator.” (05:39)

Manipulating FBI Stats

[06:41 – 07:03]

• Miller highlights reporting from NBC’s Ken Delaney about Patel juking the FBI’s Most Wanted list for PR wins:
  • “Of the six fugitives since Patel took office, four were seized within a month of the FBI leadership elevating them to the top of their ten most wanted list. Two of those four were grabbed within 24 hours.” (06:43)
  • Miller drives it home:
    • “We know we’re about to get them, so we’re going to put that person on the most wanted list, and then we can say, ‘Hey, Mr. Trump, we got one of the guys on the most wanted list. We just added them yesterday right before we nabbed him, but we got him.’” (06:50)

---

2. Trump’s $10 Billion Lawsuit & the New Slush Fund

Lawsuit Against the IRS—And a “Settlement”

[07:24 – 09:21]

• Miller turns to Trump’s lawsuit against the IRS, originally seeking $10 billion over the emotional distress of leaked tax returns.
• Instead of monetary damages for himself, Trump is reportedly set to drop the suit in exchange for a $1.7 billion taxpayer-funded “compensation fund” for allies supposedly targeted by Biden’s DOJ.
  • “It is unimaginable. It is so outrageous.” (08:23)
  • “Donald Trump’s taking your money from your paycheck without even going to Congress unilaterally…taking $1.7 billion of hard working Americans taxpayer money, handing it out to my buddies…as a little slush fund.” (08:42–08:59)

Outrage Over Abuse of Taxpayer Funds

[09:21 – 10:03]

• Miller lampoons the idea of this fund as a handout:
  • “Millie here for Roger Stone, three milli there for Michael Flynn. Probably way more than that. 10 milli here for the shaman kids will probably get some cash because they were victims of the Biden administration’s supposed weaponization of government.” (09:03)
• He underscores the affront:
  • “Trump is taking your taxpayer money, giving it to his criminal pals. I’m just. I’m going to explode. Tomorrow’s podcast is going to be hot on that.” (10:03)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It’s kind of like The Amazing Race meets Make-a-Wish meets being in charge of America’s domestic security and counterintelligence.”
  — Tim Miller (00:45)
• “This is like having a bachelor party at a church. It’s hallowed ground. It should have been treated with the solemnity it deserves.”
  — Marine veteran Hack Albertson, via Miller (04:18)
• “If you wanted a job where you were doing VIP snorkeling and jet skiing events and going to down market country music concerts and going to premier league events with your younger girlfriend, like, you could have been a Fox News commentator.”
  — Tim Miller (05:39)
• “Trump is taking your taxpayer money, giving it to his criminal pals.”
  — Tim Miller (10:03)

---

Segment Timestamps

• Kash Patel’s Honolulu Trip / VIP Snorkel: 00:00 – 04:45
• Manipulation of FBI Most Wanted List: 06:41 – 07:03
• Trump Lawsuit & Slush Fund: 07:24 – 10:03

---

Tone & Style

Throughout, Miller’s tone is biting, sardonic, and urgent—a blend of gallows humor and genuine alarm at the implications of these stories for American institutions and taxpayer accountability.

---

Summary Takeaway

The episode skewers what Miller frames as the zealously self-indulgent and unserious approach of two powerful national figures: FBI Director Kash Patel, for exploiting his office for leisure and optics, and Donald Trump, for manipulating government machinery for personal and political gain. The throughline: public trust and national security are undermined when leaders conflate public service with personal gratification.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody. Tim Miller from the Bulwark here wanted to hit a couple of stories that are breaking this Thursday evening. The first one is just the latest from our friend Cash, the Make a Wish FBI director, who apparently took a stop off in Honolulu, where he went on a VIP snorkel at the Pearl harbor site. That's right, a VIP snorkel. It's been a long list of VIP things that Kash Patel has done. He's not doing the greatest job like identifying criminals and doing counterintelligence, but he's doing a wonderful job taking his younger D list country music star girlfriend Alexis around the world. It's kind of like the Amazing Race meets. Make a Wish meets.

[B]

Being in charge of America's domestic security and counterintelligence.

[A]

You might remember.

[B]

Of course you'll remember.

[A]

Shotgun beers with his buddies, with his friends.

[B]

He thinks they're his friends, the Olympic hockey team. They don't know anything about him. They don't know his real name is Kashyap, probably. They don't know anything about his family. They don't have any actual bonds. They're just tolerating him being around because he's the head of the FBI.

[A]

But anyway, you might remember that he did the shotgunning beers while he's there for the Five Eyes conference. In addition to taking his girlfriend to Windsor Castle, they also did some VIP jet skiing, went to a Premier league football match. You know, I want everybody to have a good time. But, like, this was the Five Eyes meeting. This is a very important meeting of all. All of the countries that we share intelligence with. And Cash Patel is. He won the Price is Right showcase showdown. He's taking his girlfriend all around Britain. So, I mean, good for him, I guess. He loves being on the water. We know he's done the jet skiing. Let's hear more about the snorkeling. How do we find out about the snorkeling? The story's out from the apartment. When Cash Patel visited Hawaii last summer, the FBA took pains to note the director was not on vacation, highlighting his walking tour of the Bureau's Honolulu field

[B]

office and meeting with local law enforcement. This is a classic move. You know where.

[A]

Guys, I gotta go on a work trip and we gotta stop. We gotta stop by Hawaii. Well, I'm there. We're gonna. I think we'll meet with the guys

[B]

in the Honolulu office.

[A]

Definitely need to. I need to see first. We can't have a zoom. Like, I can't have a zoom meeting

[B]

with the team in the Honolulu office.

[A]

I Gotta go see it.

[B]

I don't suspect that Cash, like, was visiting the Fargo office, for example, and was like, I need to actually be there and put my hands on the people in the Fargo office.

[A]

It was like the Honolulu office gotta be there. So there were some questions about this already. The FBI said nothing to see here. Very serious, very real business. A lot of counterintel. Who knows, there might be an Iranian sleeper cell on the beach in Maui.

[B]

So he had to go to Hawaii then.

[A]

But what they didn't mention in the news release, per the fp, is that he participated in the aforementioned VIP snorkel around the USS Arizona in an outing coordinated by the military.

[B]

It wasn't just the FBI that was wasting resources.

[A]

We had our military members, the Navy, members of the Navy who were coordinating

[B]

this, making sure that the VIPs got

[A]

a chance to snorkel. The AP found this out via government emails. They did a public records request. They showed the military officials coordinated logistics and personnel, as mentioned, for the VIP snorkel. The National Park Service, which administers the site in coordination with the Navy, told

[B]

AP it was not involved with Patel's

[A]

swim and declined to comment on the excursion. Among those forward invitations to snorkel have been Navy admirals and secretaries of defense in the interior in the past, according to a former government diver. The diver added that traditionally these swims are intended to provide officials with insights into the memorial and the operations because again, remember the swimming.

[B]

This is the site of Pearl Harbor. This is a Cemetery. Also, 900Americans died that day in the attack on Pearl Harbor.

[A]

It was a quote from one Marine veteran. In the article, Hack Albertson said, this is like having a bachelor party at a church.

[B]

It's hollowed ground. It should have been treated with the solemnity it deserves.

[A]

The FBI is not responding to any questions about this. It's not clear what else Patel did

[B]

beyond the VIP snorkeling excursion.

[A]

Flight tracking data, the story goes on

[B]

to say for the Gulf Stream used by the FDI director, showed the jet

[A]

remained on the islands two nights. Must have been a couple days of

[B]

meetings with the local officials there in

[A]

Honolulu before flying on to Las Vegas, where he lives and where we've discussed,

[B]

per the Atlantic story, that he likes to hang out at the Fontainebleau Hotel at the club where he's allegedly getting loaded.

[A]

We talked to Jim Comey about this earlier in the week. Comey made such a good point. He's just like the FBI director if you want to take this job. This is a 24.

[B]

7 job.

[A]

He said he said he was not allowed to be and he wouldn't have

[B]

been intoxicated at any time.

[A]

You never know when there's an emergency. He said he's not allowed to go on vacation. Jim Comey said he didn't take a

[B]

single vacation while he was FBI director.

[A]

And again, this is for good reason. Criminals don't go on vacation. If you wanted to take a job where you were doing VIP snorkeling and

[B]

jet skiing events and going to, you

[A]

know, down market country music concerts and going to premier league events with your younger girlfriend, like you could have been

[B]

at Fox News commentator.

[A]

Like there are many things you could have done. You could have started a super pac. A lot of jobs are just a little bit more low impact than being the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Cash did not do that. He wanted to have the big boy job and he wanted to stand there with his big eyes and in his fancy costume and pretend like he was a very important person because he has little man syndrome and because, you know, he doesn't have the affirmation that he needs. And so we're all suffering the risks and consequences. A little funny side story from the FBI this week. In addition to going on the vacations, in addition to allegedly getting hammered so often that sometimes that people couldn't find the director, they're also juking the stats on the FBI Most wanted list. Like, how childish and crazy is this? This is from Ken Delaney over at Ms. Now FBI insiders Cash Patel is padding the stats to Bo, his record of arrests. Of the six fugitives Constance Patel took office, four were seized within a month of the FBI leadership elevating them to the top of their ten most wanted list. Two of those four were grabbed within

[B]

24 hours of being added to the list.

[A]

So it's like, we found somebody, we

[B]

found a bad guy. We're no, but we know we're about to get them.

[A]

So we're going to put that person

[B]

on the most wanted list and we're

[A]

going to grab them and then we can say, hey, Mr. Trump, we got one of the guys on the most wanted list. We just added them yesterday right before we nabbed him, but we got him.

[B]

It's just such a pathetic scene. And I just, I pray to God

[A]

for the safety of those of us

[B]

in the country and that we can survive this and that the good people that are still working at the FBI trying to keep us safe can manage to do so and do their job. While Kash Patel lives out his make a wish dreams and does VIP snorkeling events at hallowed cemeteries.

[A]

So that's the latest with Cash Patel. I did want to flag one other

[B]

story that is out there on Thursday evening. We'll be discussing this on Friday's podcast. A bunch.

[A]

But we've been talking this week about this supposed $10 billion lawsuit that Trump

[B]

had against the IRS for the emotional distress he suffered since his tax returns that he was, that he promised that he would release got leaked. And so now we have Donald Trump doing a settlement with himself since he's the president president and he's saying that, well, government, Department of Justice needs to settle with me because of this horrible, supposedly horrible thing that happened to me that my tax returns got leaked. Every other presidential candidate released the tax returns voluntarily. But anyway, and he said, this is a $10 billion lawsuit. You need to give me 10 billion, billion.

[A]

Well, according to ABC News, Trump is expected to drop the $10 billion lawsuit

[B]

against the IRS in exchange for the

[A]

creation of a $1.7 billion fund to compensate allies who claim they were wrongfully

[B]

targeted by the Biden Administration. Administration.

[A]

A $1.7 billion slush fund. It is unimaginable. It is so outrageous.

[B]

It's truly an astounding affront and attack on the taxpayers.

[A]

I mean, I get to podcast for a living, but a lot of you guys out there doing real work, real

[B]

jobs, it's hard, it's grueling.

[A]

You earn your paycheck and they're taking money from you. Donald Trump's taking money from your paycheck without even going to Congress unilaterally. And he's saying, hey, I'm going to take $1.7 billion of hard working Americans

[B]

taxpayer money and I'm going to hand

[A]

it out to my buddies. I'm going to use it as a little slush fund. Millie here for Roger Stone, three milli there for Michael Flynn. Probably way more than that. You know, 10 milli here for the shaman kids will probably get some cash

[B]

because they were victims of the Biden administration. What supposed weaponization of government?

[A]

I'm sure Trump will take some for himself because he was also a alleged victim of the Biden weaponization. It is just, it's truly offensive and

[B]

affront and mind boggling. And anybody that actually cares or claims to care about government doing right by its citizens and doing right by people's hard earned taxpayer dollars and that government should be responsible, not wasteful. Anybody who's ever talked about government waste and abuse, talk about waste and abuse,

[A]

this is them just taking your money and giving it to their pals, their criminal pals. Trump is taking your taxpayer money, giving

[B]

it to his criminal pals. I'm just. I'm going to explode. Tomorrow's podcast is going to be hot on that. So that's the latest from abc. I did want to shout out Catherine Falders, who's on that report.

[A]

All right, that's Live Friday. Spot's gonna be fun. Appreciate you guys very much. Subscribe to the feed. Subscribe to the feed. Tell your friends. Subscribe to the feed. We appreciate you.

[B]

We'll be seeing you soon.