Bulwark Takes: Tim and Sam Rank Trump's Cabinet From Hell
Podcast: Bulwark Takes
Hosts: Tim Miller & Sam Stein
Date: December 30, 2025
Episode Focus:
Tim and Sam gather at year's end to finalize their satirical, but scathing, rankings of Donald Trump's 2025 cabinet — playfully deeming it the "Cabinet From Hell." They break down each major appointment, sometimes quibbling and often commiserating over the degradation of public office, using a tiered system from “Livable” to “Please Don’t Kill Me” (worst of the worst). As they debate who’s incompetent, who’s malicious, and who’s just clownish, the conversation reveals sharp insights about the risks, damages, and absurdities present in governing institutions today.
Ranking System Explained
(02:39–03:20)
- Categories:
- Livable (Best)
- Bad
- Disastrous
- Worst of the Worst / Please Don’t Kill Me (Absolute Bottom)
- Disagreement over top category terminology: Sam prefers "Please Don’t Kill Me" to highlight direct harm or existential threat.
Key Cabinets & Debate Highlights
Attorney General: Pam Bondi
(03:42–04:59)
- Sam: “Firmly in the please don’t kill me, obviously. Is there a debate on that?” (03:54)
- Tim: Initially puts Bondi one tier down, calling her merely “disastrous.” Tim’s logic: She’s bad, but not quite in the league of others.
- Consensus: Disastrous, after debate.
Other Minor Cabinet Members
Kelly Loeffler (Undetected, thus “Livable”)
Lee Zeldin (EPA):
- Sam: Disastrous (as an environmental risk).
- Tim: Livable, surprisingly mild. Jameson Greer (USTR):
- Split: Tim goes Disastrous, Sam just Bad (“He’s just doing the boss’s bidding.”)
Major Figures— Where Does the Real Danger Lie?
Pete Hegseth (Dept. of War) vs. Marco Rubio
(06:18–08:57)
- Sam: “Please do not kill me, Pete Hegseth. Oh, my God...” (06:24)
- Sam’s logic: Hegseth is dangerously incompetent, could literally start a war “through sheer idiocy.”
- Tim: Ranks Marco Rubio as the worst (“You had, please don’t kill me, for Pete. What did you have for Marco?”), citing Rubio’s direct culpability in the “Venezuela Caribbean bombings,” leading to regime change, dead civilians, and global turmoil.
- Quote: “Marco has decided that he wants to start a regime change war in South America for an unclear reason that no one can enunciate. And there are dead people in the Caribbean... It’s all Marco.” (07:27)
- Split remains: Hegseth is Sam’s #1; Rubio is Tim’s.
Other Key Cabinet Grades
Sean Duffy, Transportation
(09:23–10:25)
- Tim: Disastrous (death at Reagan Airport, nepotism, airline dress codes).
- Sam: Upgrades to just “Bad” — credits for “knocking Elon Musk out.”
Linda McMahon, Education
(12:17–13:09)
- Sam: “She literally wants to eliminate her entire agency.”
- Consensus: Disastrous, just by very virtue of appointment (“we have the wife of a fake wrestling magnate running the Education Department”).
Brooke Rollins, Agriculture
(13:12–14:56)
- Tim: “She’s on the cusp of worst of the worst for me...Farm country is getting annihilated right now.”
- Sam: Accepts move from “Bad” to “Disastrous.”
Howard Lutnick, Commerce
(14:59–16:24)
- Both: Disastrous, but with semi-fond mockery; he’s so clownish “it’s kind of hard to hate him.”
- Tim raises the issue of “grift that his family is running” and idiotic economic policy.
Scott Besant, Treasury
(16:24–21:02)
- Tim: “Please don’t kill me/Worst of the worst” — “self-sabotage of the economy” and “most haughty, smarmy, obnoxious way possible.”
- Sam: “I have Scott in the bads.”
- Quote: “I do find at least four more people more offensive in the cabinet.” (20:56)
Intelligence & Security
Tulsi Gabbard, DNI
(21:29–22:27)
- Both: Disastrous, but “not worst of the worst—yet.” Main botch: exposing a spy in a tweet.
John Ratcliffe, CIA
(22:27–23:00)
- Tim: Livable
- Sam: Bad, maybe should be disastrous (uncertainty about covert failures).
Russ Vought, OMB
(23:41–24:40)
- Sam: “Please do not kill me...he could kill, probably has killed people through these cuts.” (23:41)
- Tim: Upgrades to worst-of-the-worst after Sam’s case.
- Quote: “Destroyed the role of Congress, institutionalized the imperial president, and then cut every social safety net as much as he can.” (24:05)
Kristi Noem, DHS
(25:26–26:53)
- Both: “Absolute worst.”
- “People have died in ICE custody...wrongfully sent people to a foreign torture prison and then went and took a fucking selfie picture in front of the prisoners. Like a snuff film.” (26:19)
- Consensus winner for worst of the year.
Cabinet “Desserts” and Special Mentions
RFK
(27:13–28:06)
- Tim: “Disastrous.”
- Sam: “Please don’t kill me...probably the one most likely to kill me.”
- Sam offers a faint positive: “He’s provided incredible content...I thought more about bamboo because of him than I've ever imagined.” (28:11)
JD Vance (“If He Were Cabinet”)
(29:40–31:50)
- “Disastrous” tier for his “limp Ukraine support,” rhetorical divisiveness.
- But for sheer social aversion, Tim says: “I would go to boozy brunch with Scott Bessant every week versus having to spend a minute in the presence of JD Vance...” (31:27)
Final Rankings — The “Worst of the Worst”
(28:31–33:10)
Mutual Top-Tier ("Please Don’t Kill Me")
- Kristi Noem (DHS): The “clear #1” for subjecting detainees to fatal conditions and human rights atrocities.
- Russ Vought (OMB): Budget cuts, weakening Congress, joy in harming public servants.
- Sam’s Additional: Pete Hegseth (for military idiocy), RFK (vaccine rollback, disease return).
- Tim’s Additional: Marco Rubio (war crimes), Scott Besant (economic sabotage).
Quote (on Noem):
“...she also wrongfully sent people to a foreign torture prison and then went and took a fucking selfie picture in front of the prisoners. Like a snuff film. Truly despicable and disgusting person.” – Tim (26:21)
Quote (on cabinet as a whole):
“I think it’s going to be a pretty competitive category in 2026.” – Tim (33:10)
Notable Quotes & Banter
- “I literally think [Pete Hegseth] could get us killed.” – Sam (06:55)
- “Rubio...there are dead people in the Caribbean. We don’t even know who they are. We’re bombing them. It’s all Marco.” – Tim (07:27)
- “She [Linda McMahon] literally wants to eliminate her entire agency.” – Sam (12:28)
- “[Howard Lutnick] is a jester...the math thing really got to me…such an idiot, you know?” – Sam (16:24)
- “I think Christy [Noem] takes the cake. I’ve been on an RFK kick all year, so what a year. Christy.” – Sam (32:51)
Summary Table: Top “Please Don’t Kill Me” Cabinet Picks
| Sam (Top 4) | Tim (Top 4) | Both Agree | |----------------------|----------------------|---------------------------| | Hegseth | Rubio | Noem, Vought | | Noem | Noem | | | Vought | Vought | | | RFK | Scott Besant | |
Tone & Style
- Informal, sharp, heavily sarcastic—yet fundamentally serious in its political critique.
- Frequent laughter, swearing, and inside jokes.
- Some sarcastic fake “credit” given for entertainment value or incompetence.
Timestamps of Key Segments
| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------|---------------| | Cabinet ranking system explained | 02:39–03:20 | | Attorney General Pam Bondi debate | 03:42–04:59 | | Hegseth/Rubio debate | 06:18–08:57 | | Transportation & Education Secretaries | 09:23–13:09 | | Commerce & Treasury (Lutnick/Besant) | 14:59–21:02 | | Russ Vought’s legacy | 23:41–24:40 | | Kristi Noem dismemberment | 25:26–26:53 | | RFK, JD Vance side discussions | 27:13–31:50 | | Final worst-of-the-worst rankings | 32:08–33:10 |
Conclusion
The episode is a biting and somewhat cathartic breakdown of how low the standards of governance have sunk under the hypothetical 2025 Trump cabinet. Tim and Sam’s gallows humor, pop culture references, and policy nerdiness combine to chart a bleak landscape, but their debates reveal underlying seriousness about the hazards of corruption, grift, and unchecked executive power. The two agree that Kristi Noem stands out as the “worst of the worst” for her deadly and morally repugnant record, while their differences elsewhere highlight the various flavors of dysfunction in the American executive branch.