Bulwark Takes: We Can't Stop Laughing At Billionaire Bill Ackman's Horrible Pro-Tennis Debut

Release Date: July 17, 2025
Hosted by: JVL and Ben Parker

Introduction to the Episode

In this episode of Bulwark Takes, hosts JVL and Ben Parker delve into the uproarious and controversial debut of billionaire investor Bill Ackman in the professional tennis scene. Titled "We Can't Stop Laughing At Billionaire Bill Ackman's Horrible Pro-Tennis Debut," the discussion combines sharp satire with insightful critique, capturing listeners who appreciate both humor and in-depth analysis of current events.

Background on Bill Ackman's Tennis Adventure

JVL kicks off the conversation by setting the stage for Ackman's unexpected venture into professional tennis. Describing Ackman as a "billionaire Harvard hater, woke fighter, professional tennis player" (00:00), the hosts explore the stark contrast between Ackman's substantial financial pedigree and his lack of experience on the tennis court.

Event Details: Newport Hall of Fame Open

The episode zeroes in on the recent Newport Hall of Fame Open in Newport, Rhode Island—a unique Challenger Circuit tournament played on grass courts. JVL explains, "It's the only grass court tournament held in the United States. And it's not an ATP level event. It's a challenger circuit which is like the minor leagues" (01:44). This setting becomes the battleground for Ackman's ill-fated doubles debut alongside retired professional Jack Sock.

Ackman's Performance: Analysis and Criticism

The hosts provide a detailed critique of Ackman's performance, highlighting his lack of professional skill and athleticism. JVL narrates Ackman's struggles, noting, "You see him dumping serves into the middle of the net and, you know, hitting balls three feet wide and can't even really hold the ball" (05:42). Ben Parker succinctly encapsulates the issue when he asks, "Is the problem conditioning and he can't keep up with the players? Or is the problem just that his technique is awful?" To which JVL responds, "Just skill. Just skill" (05:55).

The discussion underscores that Ackman's deficiencies span all aspects of the game—from serving and volleying to returning and defending. JVL emphatically states, "He doesn't have any business being near a professional tennis court. He doesn't have any business being near a high school varsity tennis court" (01:44), emphasizing the disparity between Ackman's status and his actual tennis capabilities.

Impact on the Tennis Community

JVL and Ben explore the broader implications of Ackman's participation in a Challenger Circuit event. They highlight how Ackman effectively "kicked someone off the bottom rung of the ladder" (08:52)—taking a coveted spot from a dedicated player striving to advance in professional tennis. JVL elaborates on the desperation of players in these circuits, explaining, "These guys are scraping and sleeping in their cars and just trying to get by to get an extra point out of one of these challenges" (07:22), illustrating the severe impact Ackman's entry had on aspiring professionals.

Hosts' Commentary and Humor

Throughout the episode, JVL and Ben employ a blend of humor and sarcasm to critique Ackman's actions. JVL likens Ackman's overestimation of his tennis skills to a character from 30 Rock, stating, "It's like that episode of 30 Rock where Jon Hamm gets to do whatever he wants because he's good looking and he's like flying planes and in surgery and he thinks that he's the best at everything and he's actually an idiot" (12:05). This comparison underscores the perceived disconnect between Ackman's self-image and reality.

The hosts also muse about Ackman's potential future misadventures, joking about him possibly entering Mixed Martial Arts (MMA): "Maybe he'll do the bicentennial or quadricentennial MMA fight at the White House" (13:22), further satirizing Ackman's penchant for overreaching into professional arenas.

Notable Quotes

• JVL on Ackman's Twitter activity: "He spends a lot of time on Twitter for a guy who's worth $10 billion" (01:09).
• JVL on Ackman's tennis skills: "He has no business being near a professional tennis court... Your average varsity team singles player would probably beat him" (04:56).
• Ben Parker about Ackman's performance: "It's like you watch him the way I play with my 8-year-old" (05:57).
• JVL reflecting on Ackman's defiance post-match: "He was not chagrined or grateful or understanding that people are embarrassed" (06:54).

Conclusion

In "We Can't Stop Laughing At Billionaire Bill Ackman's Horrible Pro-Tennis Debut," Bulwark Takes masterfully combines humor with critical analysis to dissect a bizarre intersection of wealth and sportsmanship. JVL and Ben Parker offer listeners a compelling narrative on why Ackman's foray into professional tennis is both laughable and detrimental to the sport's aspiring athletes. The episode serves as a poignant commentary on the implications of affluent individuals leveraging their resources to enter professional arenas without the requisite talent or dedication, ultimately highlighting a clash between privilege and meritocracy in sports.

Note: Timing references correspond to the provided transcript timestamps for accuracy.