Live from an DEI-bedazzled ESG Glowstick, it’s an all-new Terrific Tuesday edition of Business Pants. Joined by Analyst-Hole Matt Moscardi! On today's SAT Cheat Sheet called January 14th 2025: BIZ NUGGETS!

Our show today is being sponsored by Free Float Analytics, the only platform measuring board power, connections, and performance for FREE.

DAMION1

Zuck

In our 'He also said corporations named "Julie" and Samantha” especially suck' headline of the week. Mark Zuckerberg praises benefits of 'masculine energy', calls corporate America 'culturally neutered'***************

In our 'He cautioned any panic by saying AI would only steal jobs from the gays, the blacks, and human women' headline of the week. Zuckerberg Announces Plans to Automate Facebook Coding Jobs With AI***************

In our 'Zuck and Musk criticized the action as "something a lady named Julie or Samantha would do" and also said "there is no place in our society for decisions that benefit the greater society"' headline of the week. Mastodon’s founder cedes control, refuses to become next Musk or Zuckerberg***************

Eugen Rochko

In our 'In other news, acorn blindsided by oak tree's decision to let it fall to the ground' headline of the week. Meta’s oversight board blindsided by Mark Zuckerberg’s decision to relax hate speech restrictions***************

Tech Bros

In our 'Jeff Bezos sues Business Insider for calling him a 'shadow advisor'' headline of the week. Amazon CEO Andy Jassy has a new 'shadow' advisor. It's one of the most prized roles inside the company.***************

Alex Dunlap, a 17-year veteran of Amazon Web Services, started as Jassy's shadow advisor in late 2024, replacing Eric Rimling, a logistics VP who was Jassy's shadow since January 2023.

In our 'But we should still prioritize the fake meritocracy so we don't accidentally hire a black person' headline of the week. OpenAI CEO Sam Altman: The new No. 1 ability you need to succeed—it's not raw intelligence***************

In our 'He also added that he still intends on re-electing Kimbal Musk to the board of Tesla' headline of the week. Steve Bannon vows to demolish Elon Musk’s political influence in a mission he says is ‘personal’***************

MATT1

In our 'After we retire black people, we can finally get back to retiring cows for our burgers.' headline of the week. McDonald’s Retires DEI Goal Setting

In our 'I think they meant "retiring"' headline of the week. Is DEI dying? Here's the list of companies that have rolled back the 'woke' policies

In our 'From the memo edition: "We firmly believe in our deeply held beliefs that exist today, not of yesterday or tomorrow. Those deeply held beliefs right now include retiring DEI, because that is what we currently have moral conviction to do as of this moment."' headline of the week. Meta announces end of DEI programs. Read the internal memo

Meta's 2021 sustainability report had DEI as THE MOST CRITICAL ISSUE to both its business and its stakeholders.

In our 'We have set two new ambitious goals for 2025 which we call "95 for 25": We aim to improve our tech workforce, which is 73.9% male and 89.7% white or asian and 90.2% straight, to be 95% male and 95% white and asian and 95% straight by 2025. We also aim to improve our user experience for men by altering our algorithm to show American football, tanks, missiles, pubic grooming tips, and women as property as 95% of all posts by 2025.' headline of the week. Mark Zuckerberg says he wants more 'masculine energy' at Meta. So, why don't more men use Facebook?

In our 'We are well on our way to achieving one of those goals by the end of January.' headline of the week. Facebook Now Allows Calling Women Personal Property

In our 'Ok, let's be honest, these black women ARE the personal property of Mark Zuckerberg, right?' headline of the week. Facebook Is Creating Fake AI-Powered Black Women While Changing Its Rules So It’s Okay to Harass Real Ones

In our ‘Honestly, our biggest problem has been the gays. Did you know white guys can be GAY now? Almost 10% of our company say they’re gay, but Mark and I can't tell which ones are gays and not talented and which are just talented white guys because they look the same. So, in order to figure out who we’re not discriminating against, we have another new target to only hire people who wear a shirt that self-identifies if they’re straight and talented to maintain the meritocracy.' headline of the week. Meta policy chief says decision to end DEI ensures company hires 'the most talented people'

In our 'We are well on our way to achieving meritocracy by the end of January.' headline of the week. Mark Zuckerberg Tells Joe Rogan Why He Wanted Dana White On Meta's Board Of Directors

“Because I control Facebook, I have the benefit of not having to convince the board to not fire me. Because I’m not worried about losing my job, I get to use my board to get people I want to help solve problems.”

In our 'This headline was written by the Christian Post, who's other headlines today include "Franklin Graham weighs in on whether God is judging Hollywood with California fires" and "Mel Gibson says gospels are veryifiable history"' headline of the week. The woke right: Critical theory for white guys

DAMION2

Stakeholder anger

In our 'A shitty a...