Best of the Bus: Bert Kreischer Joins The Boys For Episode 300 + Moving To

Summary

Bussin' With The Boys – "Best of the Bus: Bert Kreischer Joins The Boys For Episode 300 + Moving To"

Release Date: September 6, 2025
Hosts: Will Compton, Taylor Lewan, with guests Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura, Drew Franklin, and more

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Episode Overview

This celebratory milestone episode marks the 300th of "Bussin’ With The Boys" and features comedian and storyteller Bert Kreischer (“The Machine”) in a raucous, honest, and frequently heartfelt throwback. Together with recurring guests Tom Segura and Drew Franklin, the crew dives into everything from legacy and death to stand-up success, the state of comedy, moving to Nashville, friendship, vulnerability, and wild life stories. The conversation is loose, hilarious, and reflective of the show’s signature blend of football-adjacent humor and "bros on a bus" energy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Celebrating 300 Episodes and Unimaginable Milestones

• Bert congratulates the Boys and jokes about how far the show has come, saying, “Did you ever think you'd be where you are today? Interviewing the fucking President of the United States.” (02:21)
  • Tom and Drew reflect on surreal moments like visiting Trump Tower and security.
  • The absurdity of being in rooms with bulletproof glass and "if anyone's going to get murdered..." jokes.

2. Death, Legacy, and Masculine Fantasies

• Wildly funny but real debate about how they’d prefer to die—with honor, in action (“You don’t want to just die. You want to be killed.” - Bert, 03:43)
• Dramatic scenarios: dying while saving people, the legacy you leave, and being someone's last communication.
  • “Death for me is more about the legacy...” - Bert (04:30)
  • “If I’m going to die, I want to get whoever got me also just before I get got.” - Tom (04:22)
• Extensive riffing on infamous internet videos, wildest/worst ways to die (05:56–06:42).

3. Fame & Groundedness

• Bert discusses making it—double Jack-and-Cokes in first class (“Is that the, like, the epitome of I've made it?” Tom, 11:16)
• Starstruck moments and feeling like an impostor among celebrity circles.
  • “I’m still very much Bert in like, every sense.” (11:51)
• Trying (and failing) to rewrite his own self-image as a celebrity; maintaining vulnerability and self-deprecation (12:16).

4. Comedy, Stoicism, and Bert’s (Controversial) Views

• The Boys probe Bert on changing perspectives since “Two Bears One Cave” and thoughts on Stoicism/Ryan Holiday.
  • “I'm always anti what everyone thinks is good.” - Bert (13:06)
• Bert’s “hot take” on alcoholism: “Maybe you’re the problem, not alcohol.” (13:23–14:24)
• Doubting death and mortality; funeral talk (“I don’t believe in death. Just hasn’t happened to me.” – Bert, 14:36)
• Grappling with religion, skepticism, and sense of community in faith (15:40–19:48).

5. Family, Fatherhood & Real-Life Friendship

• Marriage after kids, empty nest vibe, and how “you spend all your time with that person.” (16:19–17:03)
• “If I’d known I was going to spend this much time with someone, I would have married a dude.” - Bert (16:32)
• Recap of family/camaraderie at “Beer Olympics,” Leanne’s role, and Nashville’s appeal.

6. On Success, Jealousy, and Comedy’s Changing Landscape

• Sharing success versus resenting others’ rise (“Do you want your boys to blow up, or do you need to be the guy?” - Bert, 31:20)
• Comedy hierarchy, the rise of arenas, social media’s impact, and why so many comics now play to massive rooms (34:21–36:11).
• Insights into camaraderie among modern comics versus isolation in previous generations (Dane Cook, Rogan, Shane Gillis).

7. Managing Negativity, Social Media, and Protecting Your Headspace

• How Bert handles (and avoids) online negativity, refusing to read comments (63:07–68:04).
  • “I don’t need you getting into my day, fucking my day up… I don’t need to know it.” (63:52)
  • Anecdote about “Crack Amico” and the impact of negative fan content (65:51).

8. Jelly Roll, True Friendship, Sobriety, and Vulnerability

• Deep segment on Bert’s friendship with musician Jelly Roll—running a 5k together, moments of shared vulnerability, and the gift of supporting each other’s growth (“I think you may have just changed my life.” – Jelly Roll, 44:05).
• Reflections on being “lucky dudes” and the emotional rawness that comes with big life changes.

9. The Machine Movie, Handling Criticism & Staying Oblivious

• Reaction to Bert’s movie’s release—pride, blindsided by negative reviews, and learning to ignore haters (56:20–59:59).
  • Tom: “How were they going to hate you for it?”
  • Bert: “I was so oblivious… I just looked in front of me. I never looked behind me.”

10. Moving to Nashville: Community, Plans, and Big Dreams

• Bert details his future plans for moving to Nashville, wanting to build a life of community, parties, and a “barndominium.”
• Plans for land, animals (including Savannah cats and Dogo Argentinos – 172:11), and a desire for "regular" friends alongside the celebrity crowd (173:24).

11. Barstool, Podcast Ecosystems, and the Future of Media

• In-depth appreciation for Barstool’s collaborative, feuding, and business model (161:40–164:07).
• Nostalgia for the fertile creativity of the Barstool office, admiration for Dave Portnoy’s leadership, reflections on missed opportunities (“I look at. I made one mistake in my career that I can highlight, and that was not being a part of the Barstool family.” – 168:39).
• Comparison to Rogan’s "Death Squad" ecosystem and the evolution of self-made media empires.

12. Top Three Party & Holiday Traditions (“Tear Talk”) (197:27–209:41)

• The Boys and Bert rank their favorite party/holiday events.
  • Bert’s #1: “Chinese New Year’s. All about luck, gambling, partying, and the color red. I will own it in Nashville.” (206:01)
  • Drew and Tom: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July earn high spots for family, food, and patriotism.
• Bert earmarks annual Chinese New Year as his future signature Nashville bash.

13. Reflections on the Path Forward

• Bert contemplates taking a year off podcasts and standup to “live a life,” write new material, travel, and focus on family (110:04–113:48).
  • “Every day I get with that chick is like that... I’m the happiest guy in the world. I got everything I ever wanted in life.” (107:47)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Legacy and Death:
  • “Death for me is more about the legacy. Like, you want to die in a way that everyone goes, damn it. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him.” — Bert (04:30)
• On Success & Friendship:
  • “Do you want your boys to blow up, or do you need to be the guy?” — Bert (31:20)
• On Negative Comments:
  • “You gotta realize…there’s a kid who works at Walmart…God damn it, he hates Bert Kreischer. I can't allow that to be a real thing.” — Bert (65:03)
• On Living Fully:
  • “Tomorrow's not guaranteed for anybody. So what the fuck are we doing?” — Bert (109:47)
• On Chinese New Year:
  • “When I move to Nashville, I will be throwing the most epic Chinese New Year’s parties every year in January, everyone’s dressed in red…” — Bert (206:01)
• On the Future:
  • “I think I'm taking a year off… I need to take time off, live a life, like, live with my girls off at college…I need to start writing again.” — Bert (110:04)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Celebration & Surreal Achievements: 02:18–04:45
• Death & Masculinity: 03:45–06:42
• Fame, Self-Image, and Celebrity: 11:16–12:34
• Bert’s Hot Takes: Alcoholism & Mortality: 13:11–15:27
• Spouse & Family Life: 16:19–17:28
• Jealousy & Success in Comedy: 29:28–32:06
• Managing Negativity Online: 63:07–68:04
• Jelly Roll & Vulnerability: 44:07–47:49
• Movie Release & Criticism: 56:20–59:59
• Moving to Nashville Plans: 171:00–175:32
• Barstool & Podcasting Future: 164:07–170:46
• Holiday “Tear Talk”: 197:27–209:41
• Closing Gratefulness & Friendship: 210:07–210:21

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Tone and Style

• The episode is rowdy, warm, and brutally honest—full of classic “boys on the bus” energy. It's equal parts locker-room humor, deep friendship, and meta-commentary on fame, vulnerability, and creative life.
• Bert is as candid as ever, swinging between big laughs, wild stories, reflections on growth, and genuine vulnerability about success, marriage, and future ambitions, all while the hosts riff, roast, and reminisce.

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Perfect for fans of Bert’s standup, podcast culture, comedy deep dives, and anyone looking for a hilarious yet sincere examination of legacy, community, and doing life (and media) on your own terms.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin, and this is NFL Cover Zero. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game. What was that? Oh, my.

[Matt Jones]

We think NFL coverage should be informative and entertaining. And twice a week, that is exactly what you're going to get. Listen NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your PO.

[Tom Segura]

Fellas. On this episode of Best of the Bus, we're throwing it back to the machine himself, Bert Kreischer. That man hopped on the bus and helped us celebrate a massive milestone. And that was episode 300. Bert came through, as always, with laughs and ready to share wild stories from his journey and stand up. We get to talk about his specials, talk about how his materials evolved and touch on his next moves, including possibly packing up the Kreischer crew and heading to Nashville.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Tom Segura]

And of course, we hit some dad talk. Bert is one of a kind. Enjoy this legendary throwback. Subscribe. Unsubscribe. Resubscribe. Let's get in the episode. Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome. What is your fourth time on the bus?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's my second. Yeah, yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Super Bowl. But it's his. It's his second time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Sitting on the bus. Let's give a round of applause for Bert Kreischer.

[Drew Franklin]

Hey, episode. Episode 300, this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Congratulations, gentlemen. Did you ever think you'd be where you are today?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interviewing the fucking President of the United States.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't that crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, hey.

[Drew Franklin]

How insane was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's wild. It's wild that that's where this is. Yeah, it's wild. It's. Congratulations, man.

[Tom Segura]

That was a. A truly intense experience. One of the most wild experiences was when we got to Trump Tower. They had these bulletproof. Obviously there's been like, I don't know how many assassination attempts. Now.

[Bert Kreischer]

You could have killed.

[Tom Segura]

I heard there was a third in California.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were so close, so you should have kill him. You were right there.

[Tom Segura]

We could. I mean, we could have. If anybody was going to do it, we could have easily, easily killed.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want to talk about numbers? I mean, look.

[Drew Franklin]

Jack, turn the camera on for this one.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, dude, they had.

[Tom Segura]

They had like two giant panes of a bulletproof glass, but they had like two more that didn't come in. So when we were doing the episode, it was Trump who was covered, Will who was covered. And then a perfect. No covering. If anybody was going to get murdered in this thing, it would have been me. I would have been the guy that.

[Drew Franklin]

Would have been great for the show.

[Tom Segura]

Would have been a fantastic for the show. And I did say before we started the show, if I am killed in this process, make sure the show still runs.

[Drew Franklin]

The interview with a bully.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd like to be killed. Like, I want to be killed. I don't want to die. I want to be killed.

[Tom Segura]

There's you always.

[Drew Franklin]

I'm with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No one. You don't want to just die. You want to be killed.

[Tom Segura]

There's always this thing on Instagram that's like, women are like, oh, I really want to die peacefully in my sleep. And then it says men. And it's like the gladiator scene where he's dying or something. Like a guy fighter jet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you want it to be an apex predator?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. It seems a little too gruesome. I would like the most honorable way possible. Like maybe like some sort of home invasion where I am able to kill the guy. Also, like, he stabs me and then I kind of grab him by the throat and bring him in real close and then just slowly slit his throat. And then I also pass in the process, but I get the last laugh. I'd like to win, then lose. Does that make sense?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You want to. You. If I'm going to die, I want to die in a way that I get whoever got me also just before I get God.

[Bert Kreischer]

See, death for me is more about the legacy. Like, you want to die in a way that everyone goes, damn it. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him.

[Drew Franklin]

Like, fuck, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God damn it.

[Drew Franklin]

He's just texting with him last week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah, it's like, Liam Payne. Liam Payne. You see, they're like, this was his Instagram story from an hour before he died. And he was like, I'm having lunch or whatever.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That's another one you bring up. Is like being somebody's last form of communication. Oh, that's a. That's a good one. Is being like, hey. And then just be like, yeah, dude, I text him and, you know that was like two minutes before you actually died, right? That was two. And like, you were the last.

[Drew Franklin]

What was his last text to you? It was Huskers plus six and a half.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Lock of the week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

I swear to God, you see that?

[Tom Segura]

Final score. He was wrong. He was done. And what is your perfect scenario of dying?

[Bert Kreischer]

It would be rescuing people. So, like, putting my life on the line for someone in front of people. I need people to see it so that everyone's like, oh, my God, he ran in the building. And. And I want to die in front of people. I want people to see me die.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And I want it to be out of nowhere. I really want it to be a surprise. Like, I'm. I'll be. When I die, I hope that I go, shut the up. Yeah, get it. This was it. This was it. A rattlesnake.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that would be the worst. Did you hear? And then all of a sudden you're like, ah. What was that, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I knew a dude who was. Almost died. He was cutting his toenails on a glass. I've talked about this so much. He was cutting his toenails on a glass out of the shower, naked on a glass table. And the table shattered and it cut his femoral artery. Artery. And he almost died cutting his toenails.

[Tom Segura]

That be. That's probably be top five worst ways to go.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, that'd be a brutal way to go.

[Bert Kreischer]

That or auto erotic asphyxiation. That would be a bad way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like the One Guy, One cup video. I don't think he died, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the jar.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the jar that breaks in his. That'd be a. Just imagine being unconscious and the doctors being like, what do you do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that's.

[Tom Segura]

That's what happened. There's a video called One. One Guy, One Jar, One Man, One Jar. It was during the time of, like, Two girls, One cup. All those, like, gory videos that everyone kind of watched in high school.

[Bert Kreischer]

And their podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Very popular branding. A twisted tea for Mr. Christ.

[Drew Franklin]

Said Every time he watches the show.

[Tom Segura]

But yeah. So the video starts. It's A. You just see a guy's legs and then a jar and the jars to his legs. And then he sits down and he. The jar goes in his ass. And then he leans back and here. And the jar pops in his ass. And he kind of does it. The half squat. And he takes glass shards and pulls it out of his ass as blood. You haven't seen this?

[Drew Franklin]

No, bro.

[Tom Segura]

God, what a sheltered life you've had.

[Bert Kreischer]

That.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, that's. What is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, that used to be Rogan. That used to be what his. His thing was all those videos before he got into, like, being smart, learning and learning. Like, he was just like. You guys see this guy get by a horse?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Drew Franklin]

That was out in Seattle, right?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I mean, that sounds like a Pacific Northwest thing. Yeah, that sounds like a. Geographically, the northwest would be the best spot against the fence, Right?

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, I saw that one. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God, Dude. Dot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The beast touched his heart. That is.

[Drew Franklin]

Why in the. Would you do that?

[Tom Segura]

You're just horny, like the ultimate horny dog. It's got to be a sense of. Is that the horse?

[Drew Franklin]

It was Seattle.

[Tom Segura]

It was. Yeah. Look at that. Look how happy that horse looks, too. In that photo. That horse looks way too content with what it's done to another man. That is wild. One last thing on the dying thing. Peak dying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Those guys on the United 93 flight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. When they have. They call their wives and they say, hey, blah, we're gonna do some things. I love you. And then their last quote is, let's roll, boys. And they go and take it down. They put the plane down. That is the most honorable way to go. Those guys shout out them. Let's give a round of applause for those gentlemen right there.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah. A way to go out, too. A movie that perfectly descripts. The way I want to go out is the gray with Liam, with the wolves. Yeah. Where their plane crashes. And then they have to survive because there's a pack of wolves kind of hunting them. And then he just goes one on one. Just wrapping broken glass.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Drew Franklin]

Around his fist.

[Tom Segura]

Jack.

[Drew Franklin]

The little poem going out.

[Tom Segura]

Jack showed me that ending scene where he, like, he breaks it and he tapes it to him. And just the scene of the wolf's face gives you goosebumps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I can't have. I can't have the recipe of cowardice involved in my death, because I will go to cowardice first.

[Tom Segura]

See, I worry.

[Drew Franklin]

It's like, would you run back in the building?

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's here's what. I'll tell you what happened. One time.

[Drew Franklin]

You went for family.

[Tom Segura]

You went for family one time?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. We. We went on a safari, and. And it was a Travel Channel, so I was with a bunch of people and, like, you know, film crew and everything. And we got, like, within 20ft from a lion, and it was just laying under a tree. It was just laying there. And the lion popped up and, like, looked at us and it. I mean, everyone's assholes clinched. And in that moment, I thought to myself, I just need to push the girl in front of the lion. And I was like. And I had a knife on me, and I was like. And they're like, oh, you're going to use that knife to fight the line? And I was like, no, I was going to stab the girl to debilitate her and then the line, because, you know, she's got to run faster than the slowest person.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I can't have cowardice. I'm afraid. I'd go to cowardice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The fight or flight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, when you say those guys in 9 11. I would hate to be. I would hate to be in that moment because I might be the guy going, guys, guys, guys. Just let them fly us where they want to fly us, you know? You know, you don't want to be that guy.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, guys, listen, listen. You guys are being racist, okay? Just because they're brown and they all have box cutters doesn't mean. Why do I do, like, a whiter voice?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're white.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you just can do your regular.

[Tom Segura]

You can just do exactly who you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, fellas, Fellas.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You'd be sitting in first class being you. Just relax for a second. Like, I'm trying to get some sleep here. Oh, double jack with rocks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to have no plane crash. No plane crash. I got last yesterday. I got on the plane and it was early, and I was. I wanted to drink. And usually. So that thing I said with Glenny Balls about drinking double jack of rocks. Like, rocks. And I heard the two pilots go, the machine is in 2A. And I went, who? We'll be drinking today, boys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they came back. The flight attendants were like, we're so excited to have you. Do you mind when we land if we get a picture? And I was like, absolutely. And like, can we get you anything? And I just winked. And he went, I got you. No jack on the rocks. Lots of rocks.

[Drew Franklin]

Double jack on the ride.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't even finish It. I fell asleep before I could even finish it.

[Tom Segura]

Is that the, like, the epitome of my. Like, I've made it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When you're sitting in first class and the flight attendant knows exactly what your drink is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Knows exactly what my drink is.

[Drew Franklin]

Has there been another moment that's topped that one?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I've had so many moments I' I can't even. Like, I've had. My life is insane. I never. It was never supposed to be like this. It really wasn't. And I'm like, every. I got a FaceTime from Baker the other day. He's in the pool. What's up? I didn't know you were in Tampa. I was like, like that. I know. Like, he's younger than me and I know and I understand. You're supposed to be quarterback. Yeah, but. But still, it's like a football player knows who I am.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that's like, I. I'm always like that. But I. I'm very. I'm still very much Burt in like, every sense. Like, everything. I really get starstruck. I really, like, I. I lose my. Over celebrities all the time. I did it with Chris Robinson from the Black Rose. Made a fool of myself. I make fools. I make a fool of myself all the time. So. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever tried to rewrite that in your head? Like, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I am now the celebrity that people get excited about.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I can't. I don't. I don't know how to do it. I don't know. I don't know how to shut my mouth. Like, you. I'll tell you how much money I make. Like, I, like, I'm just. Like, I'm a fool. Like, I. I watch Rogan and Tom just sit there and not talk to people and, like, be cool. And I just. Fucking jabber jaw. I'm like, yeah, I can't. I just. You gotta be cool with who the fuck you are.

[Tom Segura]

I guess that's what makes you and Tom such a great pair. The yin yang of the both of you. Yeah, it is beautiful. And one thing, you guys, you were on Two Bears with them and there was a lot of talk, a lot about Ryan Holiday and his. The views of everything. Have you changed your opinion?

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you.

[Drew Franklin]

Have you dove into any. Any stoicism? Or is it still kind of like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I guess I'm just, I'm all. I'm always anti. What everyone thinks is good, right? Like, I always go, like, is it Though.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I don't know. It's always been my thing.

[Drew Franklin]

You're anti. When somebody says, hey, this could be good for you, you're like, no, that's gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I have a really hot take about alcoholism that is not popular online right now.

[Tom Segura]

Well, go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just. No, I'm not gonna get into it again. It made sense when I was talking to two black guys about it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were like, hey, all right, Great start. Yeah, we were like. We were like, maybe you're the problem. Maybe it's not alcohol. Maybe it's you. Like, we're all partying hard. We don't drink and drive. We don't hit our wives. We don't like. We like to have a good time. Maybe it's you. Maybe you're the problem, but alcoholics don't like hearing that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's his bad take. It's a tough take.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a tough day.

[Tom Segura]

It's a tough one for the Internet.

[Bert Kreischer]

It made sense when we were fucking lit. Yeah. Watching the sunset, hammered.

[Tom Segura]

Being like, you know what? This isn't bad at all. For people to think that it's bad. They're wrong, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because alcoholics only have one answer. It's, you have to quit drinking. I go, no, no, you have to quit drinking. I'm doing. Absolutely. I had an alcoholic tell me. I want to. I wish I could say his name. He goes, you think? You think? And by the way, I was with the smartest people in the world at this party. The smartest individuals in the world. Legit. And he was like, you think is you are successful and. And you make a lot of money and you do, like, arena tour, and you're happily married, you got a good relationship with your kids, that you don't have a drinking problem. And I was like, yeah, that's it. Yeah. Like, you just hit it. Yeah, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, no, you got a problem? I was like, no, you got a problem. I'm killing it. And then in front of a room full of geniuses, proceeded to say, I don't believe in alcoholism, but I also don't believe in death. I don't believe in. I don't believe in a lot of stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Let's unpack. The only other thing you said you don't believe in dying.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. What hadn't happened to me.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah. What's the take on not believing in death?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I think it happens to other people, but just not me.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of that.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, you think you're invincible?

[Bert Kreischer]

I kinda, because it hasn't happened.

[Tom Segura]

Go play. Go play some football.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You'll find out real quick. Real quick. Another man put his hands on you and control where you go. That, that's when you know you are not invincible.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I don't believe. Well, I just like, it's like, you ever go to a funeral and then you're like, yeah, got another one. But not me. Just dodged it again. It seems like it's always happening to other people.

[Tom Segura]

It does.

[Drew Franklin]

You don't believe it until it happens.

[Bert Kreischer]

Until it happens.

[Drew Franklin]

Then you can't believe it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then I'll be like, well, I guess I was wrong with that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Got me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Your grace on. I was wrong.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Guess they were right. Yeah. Looks like it does exist. Looks like it does exist. Exist. Well, all right. Well, we've, we've jumped into a lot of different categories. What's your take on religion?

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I would love to be religious. Yeah. You know, you guys. Yeah. My plan is to move to Nashville. And you're moving here. Yeah, you know, that's why we're here. We're looking at houses.

[Tom Segura]

And I, I texted your wife and I told her that the house next door to me is for sale.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys, her up. She came to beer Olympics and got in the car that day and said, we are moving to Nashville. And I went, what? She said, this is, these are real people. This is, I miss the south. We're coming back and we're looking at houses. And so you guys hit me up about doing this. And she was like, let's do it. And then we'll, we're going to look at houses today.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. The answer.

[Tom Segura]

Why, why isn't she here on the bus?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I don't want to deal with her, dude. I'm, I'm with her a hundred percent of the time. We have no kids anymore. The kids are at school. Yeah, it's me and her up our asses. I mean, if I known I was gonna spend this much time with someone, I would have married a dude.

[Tom Segura]

Happily married, as you said before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Married. I'm just, it's like, you just, man, when you don't have kids, you, you spend all your time with that person. You them, you eat with them, you sleep with them, you shower with them, you everything, everything, everything, everything. And then I'm sitting next to her on a plane and we're just, we're up each other's asses. If you said this to Her. She would say the same thing. She will laugh at times and go, I can't believe I'm still looking at you. Like we just are with each other non stop. It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

How long have you guys been married?

[Bert Kreischer]

20 years. 20 years.

[Drew Franklin]

Nice, bro. And by the way, you did save beer. Olympics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Games. She.

[Drew Franklin]

And thank you for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I didn't. I didn't.

[Drew Franklin]

The boys were taking bullets out there. And you making your video like I'm gonna make it happen was. It fired us up.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. It's like Fight Club. It's so needed. I love it. I love it so much. It. I have it. That energy. And Leanne saw the energy. The energy is like. I mean, she still is like, she's obsessed with Michael Chandler. She's never seen him fight. She doesn't know what he does.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

She got a little guy. I love that little guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Don't say a little guy out loud. He is. He is.

[Bert Kreischer]

She. She follows these two girls online. Look at how much higher their tits are than her.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, she crushed it. I mean, she was obliterated.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's her. It's her feather in her cap is that she hung. She hung with the boys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She killed three beer. She. I drank the three beers out of the boat. I did. It took me a little bit.

[Drew Franklin]

I got it going.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, yeah. So we're down here looking at houses, but when it comes to religion, I think I would love. I would love to believe and be just. And then look at you because you don't and go. I guess you're going to hell. That would be so cool. You had to believe it. You got to believe it.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to believe it. And I would love that, but I just. I'm too. I'm too skeptical. Like, I just. I started researching about Islam and Hinduism, so I'm looking for something. Yeah, Catholicism is my thing. And I. I don't know. It tweets, it tweaks my OCD too much. So I get like, into. I. I work all the Jesus pieces. But, yeah, Kanye. Hinduism sounds like the coolest one so far.

[Tom Segura]

What. What about Hinduism is like. Okay, I can get down with this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Karma makes total sense.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Karma's like a big deal. And the fact that you come back the enter. Life is energy, and you come back in a. In reincarnation. Yeah, I think that's cool.

[Drew Franklin]

Like, we've had lies before this life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'll tell you what, man. I. Islam is for me. I think if they could Just get rid of the pork and booze. I'd be cool with Islam.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, I love the idea that you got to take a trip to Mecca. Everyone one time you got to go to Mecca. I love that. That that's in the religion. That's so cool that. Yo, it's like bachelor party.

[Drew Franklin]

You gotta check this box.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you gotta check this box. You know, that's what's cool things about Muslims is that usually if you run into other Muslims, they treat them with a lot of love because they assume they're going to Mecca.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I thought that was cool. You pray five times a day. I just did all the research on these. I was looking for religion the other day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's a lot. The. The rules part is really hard. Like praying five times a day for me, I just feel like I'm not good with time management. That would make it very difficult for me. Ye. Like in the morning got. I got a routine down. Let me get the cold tub. Then. Then do I pray or do I pray before? Like, what's the deal?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hung out with other Muslims. You all do it together. The community.

[Drew Franklin]

The community.

[Tom Segura]

Like, yeah. Or a Lucy on this. The.

[Drew Franklin]

The community aspect.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's so cool.

[Tom Segura]

Seems like the Jewish people have the community thing down in a big way.

[Bert Kreischer]

We live in a really big Jewish neighborhood. And the other day was like their new Year.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were all walking on the streets and I was just like, it's. It seems cool as. It seems cool to be religious. Like, I don't know why. I don't know how it got to be. Not believing in God was the cool thing because it just seems like you got a community. Like, I would love. I love. I would love. You know, we should do. I want to go see Joel Osteen.

[Tom Segura]

Who's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like the mega preacher.

[Drew Franklin]

You would know if you saw him.

[Tom Segura]

Would I?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is this like a righteous gemstone type of guy?

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, he's like. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a famous type of speaker. Like, does. Has all the. He'd be somebody that was like on TV when you were young.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

On Sundays.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He's looks like Martin Short in that.

[Tom Segura]

I still haven't seen that picture. Have no clue who that is.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. His net worth is through the roof. He does like mega churches, dude. That was the rub when. When we started comedy. There's a guy telling you, like, yo, if you work clean, you can do churches. I never wanted to do that. There's a guy, John Chris, that did that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. He lives in Nashville, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

He would do, like, a Sunday 6 o' clock show in a mega church. In a mega church. It's like, size. They're like arenas.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And just clean up. He made so much money. He's a great guy. He got canceled. Did you hear this story? This is wild. I apologize, John, if I'm. If I'm perpetuating something. And I. I love you. You know that fan of the show.

[Tom Segura]

Friend of the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

He got soft canceled. I'll say soft canceled, because, I mean, when you hear this, you're gonna go, huh? Because he took a girl rollerblading and he tried to kiss her.

[Tom Segura]

That. He got canceled for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

He got canceled rollerblading. It's like. But in their community, if you say that, you're like a Christian, and I think he had, like, vodka and a water bottle or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. It really is, like, not that bad.

[Tom Segura]

Number one high school move.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And. And he got.

[Drew Franklin]

When you're in it, you got to be in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you're. When you say you're Christian, you can't around. That's the thing. That's the hard part is, like, that.

[Tom Segura]

Is the hard part, Dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could do the Christian, like, believe in it and. But I. I'm gonna up. I'm gonna up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's my. That's the hard thing. Like, with. With football, for me, I always thought it was better to have your public perspective. Whoa, Perception. How good is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no alcohol in this, right?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, there's 5%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm sober. No, I'm kidding.

[Tom Segura]

But the public perception for me of having. Having people think less of you, I always thought was a bigger win than trying to be this, like, all American kid. And then one or two things happen, and they're like, oh, you're a piece of. I'd rather people think, oh, this guy's a piece of. And then when you meet me or whoever the person is, it's like, oh, they're actually you, you, you. I just come off way better to them. That's a bigger win.

[Bert Kreischer]

You are explaining my business model to a T. Okay. So I go to. I go to college. So I play baseball in high school, get recruited to play Duke Citadel. Gonna walk on at Florida State. I go to walk on.

[Tom Segura]

Very great football season, by the way, for Florida State. You guys are killing it right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're looking at. Yeah, well, I'll tell you a secret. So I go to walk on at Florida State. I literally do the first practice and walk off the field, I'm like, I'm. Pro sports are no longer for me. I gave up baseball. And I remember, but I remember to my fraternity, I was in a fraternity and they were doing intramurals and they're like football. And everyone's like, dude, I'm a dog. And you're like really? And they're like, dude, get me on the field, get me on the field. So I got intimidated. That's young Bert. God, Obi was fat. And so, so. And by the way, that guy on the left, Scott o', Brien, amazing baseball player.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, he can sling it, dude. He. Well, he ended up walking on at Florida State. He had a full ride to Alabama too. Oh wow. Yeah, so. So he's a great actor now too. Interesting dude. He's a very interesting dude. But so I didn't go out for football intramurals because everyone was so good. And then I watched them play and I was like, oh, they suck. Everyone talks shit. And I was like, cuz the way I played sports was you didn't talk shit. Unless you didn't talk shit. You just didn't talk shit. You just played the sport and then that talked the shit for you.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then intramural softball comes up and everyone's like, oh, I'm a fucking dog. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna go out. I'm not gonna tell anyone. I can play. I'm going to go out and play and I'm just not going to say anything. I remember catching fly balls in the outfield behind my back and everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing? And then you go and I hit fucking bombs. And they're like, dude, you didn't tell us you could play. So I looked at that from that day forward as I was like, I will never talk shit about like I'm always undersell my performance and over deliver. So with stand up I always. I'm. Dude, I've said this and I mean it now. I think I've said it so much. I mean it. The only reason people think I'm a great standup is I hang out with the best standups in the world. I mean look at that. You surround yourself.

[Drew Franklin]

You're good in the storytelling realm too.

[Tom Segura]

You're. Yeah. The story.

[Drew Franklin]

You're not giving yourself enough credit.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I know, but. But that's.

[Tom Segura]

That's the game plan, that's the business plan. You basically just did it.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like, I like that. I'd rather people go like, yeah, he takes his shirt off, whatever. And then they go, wow, he's a really good storyteller. Like I as being like, oh, this.

[Drew Franklin]

Is way better than I thought.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Because I look at, I mean when I got into stand up, I remember going to the Boston Comedy Club and dudes walk off stage and like I just ripped that room. And you're like, did you? And I remember also thinking, so that's your version of the best you got. I was like, all right. And so I just never, I never really talk about stand up. Now look, when we talk about sports or anything now I talk wild. Like ran the LA marathon with no training at all. Told you I'd bench press more than you. I mean I love that, I love that. I think that's fun. And if you're, and if you don't get it, it's like that's the point of comedy is just to around. Yeah, but, but yeah, I've always that underperform under sell over perform. That's always been my thing. Two Bears, five K. So nice. You ran it a couple times? Yeah, twice. Tommy's like, he fucking trained for it. And he had his coach pacing him. He had headsets in, he didn't talk to anybody and he still sucked. He was like, I'm trying to break 30 minutes. I was like, dude, there's like people in the paralympics that break 30 minutes. The are you doing? He was so serious about this race. I got hit by a golf cart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What happened there?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a great question, Pete.

[Tom Segura]

Would the P hit you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Pete?

[Tom Segura]

He stopped in front of the car.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that. Pete. I love that. Pete cannot just. You weren't trying to stop anything.

[Tom Segura]

Stopped right in front of the cart.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't even stop. I was just walking.

[Tom Segura]

He said there's nothing I could do about it. You stopped right in front of the cart. Daddy's. Imagine if you just broke your leg.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I, I, you saw the lunge.

[Drew Franklin]

He was trying to get out of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. Brutal. I came out of my shoe.

[Tom Segura]

Came off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I came out of my shoes. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Shout out Dan Cook, dude, he's had a great bit about that back in the day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that was.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the shoes, the shoes coming off. Seeing a man get hit by a car.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, man. You people don't remember how great. I mean Dane's still a very talented stand up comedian. But when he did it at that moment, you know, there was nothing like it. There was nothing like it. You remember people used to bomb on stage. Dane Never bombed. He murdered in the worst scenario you could imagine. Dane Cook would fucking destroy.

[Tom Segura]

He went on that run of, I mean, vicious circle. He had this. He had those three. His three stand ups, his three specials were incredible. But then he was doing movies, he was doing all that stuff. That's what's so fascinating to me. I feel like I bring it up every time a comedian is on our bus is like, what happened today?

[Drew Franklin]

Because we did that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we did with Adam, who was. Who came out last week. Now, for people that are listening to this episode, but it just seems like he's got this, like, people are not a fan of him in the, in the, the comedic world. Like the people say he stole jokes and all these, all these other things. I, I don't know. I'm always trying to figure out, I think, what happened to Dane Cook because I, I personally was a massive fan of him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we all were. I, I think. Here's the one thing, I'll think that. And this is maybe just a stupid thought, but he got famous by himself. Like, we all got famous together. Like, this generation of comics, we all got famous at the same time. Like me, Tommy Joe, Ari, Shane Gillet. Like, we all. And so we kind of have people to bounce things off of. It was just Dane. I mean, it was just Dane. There was not another comic. There was not one comic at Dane's level. It's like, it's like, can you imagine getting rich by yourself? And like, like, and going like, I don't know, how do I get watches? Like, what kind of car do I want?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, everyone's got a guy for something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's like when you're on a football team and everyone's making money, you're like, yo, how did you. Oh, I got a guy that. He'll take care of that. And, you know, so like, we all got wealthy together, like all of our friends. So, like, I mean, I don't want to get into the weeds on stuff, but like, you know, I, I'm trying to. Because some people kind of manipulate their Persona a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you don't want to blow someone's bubble. But. But Dane got rich by himself, did Arenas by himself. He was the only one doing Arenas. Dude, when I did Arenas, I remember reaching out to. I remember talking to Schultz going, this is how you do Arenas. You gotta get a stage. You need a sound system. Bring your own sound system. It's got to feel like, I mean, we got to talk to each other about it, about how to do these things. Dane did it by himself. And so in a weird way, and I've. I've been the victim of this. The only thing people want is to watch you fail. Like, they love taking shots, People on the top. And I've. I've. It's happened to me, Guys that were, like, good friends, Just the second you pass them, they're like, that guy. And you're like, I thought we were. I. I cheered you when you succeeded. How come you couldn't cheer me when I succeeded? Yeah, and it's crazy. It's like, you know, and so. But Dane did it all by himself. And so everyone just wanted him to fail.

[Tom Segura]

Why do you think human nature is that way? Where this is like, everybody wants to be on top of the minute. Somebody surpasses them, they start talking.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's weird, man. I'll tell you, like, this is the closest I can get to it. And this. You'll. You'll understand this. So I took Shane Gillis to. On a tour with me a couple times, right? And I took him to celebrity theater in. In Arizona. It's in the round. And he opened for me. He did 10 minutes, 15 maybe. And he got a standing ovation. Standing ovation.

[Tom Segura]

That was the super bowl, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, that's before. It was another time. It was another time. He got a standing ovation then, too. But in, in, in, in. He got a standing ovation. He didn't know what to do with it. He really didn't know what to do with it. Like, he like, kind of stopped. And, you know, he's uncomfortable as he is, but stopped. And we're all sitting. We're like, take it. Stay out there. And then he comes off stage, and I was like, wow, he's. This is changing for him. I got a text from him or maybe one of our managers. You know, I hold booze records everywhere. They were like, shane gillis broke your booze record at the celebrity theater. And, like, you want your boys to succeed, but there is a part of you going, hold on. Like, we're not talking money. We're not talking, like, he's breaking records everywhere right now. That was the first one. He broke my booze record. My booze. I'm the booze. Like, and so there is a thing where you gotta decide what kind of man you are, or do you want your boys to blow up? Do you want your boys to succeed, or do you need to be the guy? You know, I don't need to be the guy I've always wanted I've always surrounded myself by the best people. I don't need to be the guy. But I am watching people watch Shane and go, well, I'm the guy. And you're like, not anymore, dude. He just broke the record at Wells Fargo.

[Tom Segura]

God. For most booze.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. For most attendants.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on, hold on. But the boosting was most booze bought or how did. How does one measure the booze record?

[Bert Kreischer]

They. The. The places, the. That's how I used to get on. That's how I used to tour was. I'd break alcohol sales at all the clubs. Yeah. Because I. I was like, they're not going to know if I'm funny or not. But what they will know is if they have to restock on Monday, they're gonna, like, bring Bert back. And so I used to do. I used to do a show called Calling Sick to Work, where I'd go in, I do a show at noon, and we drink them out of booze before their evening shows. We do. I mean, we. I'd kill it on booze, but that's. Yeah. Shane's destroying it right now. And you hear people talk, shushing it, and you're like, oh, you. That's interesting, because you didn't say that when he was opening for you. You didn't say that when he was younger. Now you're saying it. It's. It's. I've watched it happen to a lot of people. I'll tell you what, Doc, and just tell you, it doesn't happen to. Doesn't happen to Tom. Doesn't have to. Joe. Joe. Joe Rogan wants you to be more famous than him the second he fucking meets you. Joe was the most selfless individual when we. He'd put us on his podcast just to get us fans. I remember I had a special out he put me on. We did a End of the world podcast that night at the store, and then I did his podcast first thing in the morning. That guy's wanted your success since day one. He is the most selfless individual. But it wasn't like that. It wasn't like that before. Damn.

[Drew Franklin]

It does feel like it happened. It feels like it happens in the. In the comedy realm. Because I feel like it's more of like that individualized sport. Yeah. If you're an individual sports and in athletics and everything else, I feel like, you know, people want whoever's at the top, like, they want to be better then. Right. And people cheer on you. It's like when you're. When you're low Enough. And they feel like your dream is also their dream. You're more relatable, you come off more relatable. But the moment you do get kind of like to the top or surpass whatever their level of like them wanting you to be in their world is like, once it gets beyond that is, I feel like is when the shots kind of come.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Because then people are, you know, they want to say you forget, you forgot who you are. You're blah, blah, blah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And comedy, so opinion based too. Like, it's some comics who are on top of the world. People don't think are funny because it's just not. Not their humor. So I'm sure when some comics go above others, those comics are like, well, you know, he's not that funny. Like, why. Why does he be able to have so much success and not me?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's, it's. It's wild too. And, and we're at a stage now where it's like, you gotta realize, like, not everyone did arenas and now everyone's doing arenas. And like, so like you look at some guys that are a little older and they're like, like they were like at the top of their games doing theaters. Like, that was, that's all. That was all that. The opportunity offered. Now it's like, I mean, Kill Tony's in arenas. There are kids that have been doing stand up for one year that are doing stand up in arenas. Like, it's, it's wild where comedy is right now. It's insane to me. But yeah, it's like the opportunities are so different. It's like now a lot of people doing arenas.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think the people are doing arenas more because of how much exposure there's a social media or comedy is that much better than it used to be?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's. I think it's a perfect storm of everything. I think it is social media. I do think it has to do with. I think this fucking cancer culture was like, great for business. It's like people want to hear you say the wildest shit now. I mean, there, there are some comics, I think that there are some people that don't even think they know what comedy is. They just know how to say wild shit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I go, wow. Like, and. But I think it's a perfect storm of all of that. And I think, you know, I mean, look at. I mean, when you say you guys sat down with the fucking former president United States, possibly the next current, future president united, that's where the world is like, people don't give a fuck about the Today show and, and the late night talk shows and the, this is where it's connecting and, and, and our fans, I say our fans because I think we probably share overlapping concentric circles. But they, they, they know you, they, that they like, they like, root for you and they love you. And then, and then that turned into comedy. It's like I go on stage and I take my shirt off and people lose their mind. And I go, it's like, it's insane to me. It's insane. I mean, there was a time when I took my shirt off where people went, what the fuck is this?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I mean, the first seven years of my career, I take my shirt off and be like. But it's, it's just bizarre where everything is, I think. But you can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin and this is NFL Cover Zero. We think NFL coverage is, should be informative and entertaining and twice a week that is exactly what you're going to get. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game.

[Matt Jones]

What was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks like something that should not be sold.

[Matt Jones]

Oh, my.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that was my other big Colts takeaway.

[Matt Jones]

They sold that?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Might want to go back to the Colts stadium. Yeah, I might want to go back to the drawing board on that.

[Matt Jones]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought the shape we have with pretzels was working pretty well. It's worked for generations.

[Matt Jones]

We're just here trying to enjoy it. We hope you all will join us throughout the year. And let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope I'm as youthful as Pete.

[Matt Jones]

Carroll is at his age. He's a young 73. He is a young 73. He is spry.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't fight him.

[Matt Jones]

I would listen NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan. He's Ty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the solid verbal college football podcast.

[Ty]

College football season is here and you know what that means.

[Dan]

Your team is going to break your heart three times probably before Halloween.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Ty]

But fear not the solid verbal will be right there with you through every soul crushing loss and impossible comeback.

[Dan]

Join us all season long, all year long, as we ride the rollercoaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Whether you're a diehard fan or a casual observer, we'll help you make sense of all the chaos and of course, celebrate the madness. Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else, and all the emotional support you need as a college football fan.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Ty, we live it.

[Ty]

Listen to the solid verbal, college football football podcasts on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Drew Franklin]

I think people do. Everybody's doing a good job too. Of like a rising tide lifts all ships like you're fully loaded. Tours essentially like that. I know when we have Comics Hunter, we talk to comics who have been on that thing. They talk about how much that just event in that tour kind of like puts you on because again, you're in front of so many people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Entertaining in such a way that involves partying together. Like you, you are accessible. You feel way more accessible to people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, I, I've always been, I've always been a firm believer in like, it's not fun if you're doing it by yourself. Like, I, I mean, I. The. My favorite memories are like taking. I was just thinking of this the other day because I told you I went Fluffy to the Sphere and I said to Leanne, I go, how cool would this be able to do? Like to take your. Your. Because Fluffy got a box for us and he got us all hotel rooms and he put us up and it was like fucking sick. And he got a party bus for us, and we're on the party bus, we're laughing our asses off. And I said to Leanne, I was like, dude, this would be so sick if we could do something like this. And she goes, you've done this every year. You do Red Rocks. And I went, that's right. And I remember. I wish I had the fucking video. Me and Shane got so fucked up. Me, Shane and Mark got so fucked up on this party bus that we were singing songs without the words, trying to guess the songs. So we're like, like just screaming and we're crying, laughing. Do you remember that, Pete? Yeah, we were crying, crying, laughing behind everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I look back, I look back at like all the things I've done. Those are my favorite moments. Is. Is. Is like all the people I've partied with all my friends and all the. They're all the greatest comics in the world. They're the funniest human beings. One of my favorite memories, Georgia is on Fully Loaded with her friend Daisy. And Shane comes up last night, and he goes up to him. He goes, you guys sneak in beers. Georgia goes, no. He goes, come on, you don't have to lie to me. She's like, no. He's like, I'm not gonna tell your dad. She's like, yeah. We're sneaking beers. And Shane just sits down next to me. Is Georgia sneaking beers? Like, these are. I mean, these are like, the greatest fucking memories of my life. And you think, you know, like, I didn't pay that much to hang out with them. I.

[Tom Segura]

Did. That is fucking wild to be able to get all your boys and just be like, hey, we're all. We all have a certain set of skills. Let's just all go and do this together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Fully Loaded last year. It's me, Jelly Roll. Dave Attell, Big J Okerson, Dan Soder, Mark Norman. I mean, it's the perfect smoke tent. And we're laughing hysterically. And Jelly Roll just happens to be the biggest artist in the country.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who. And we laughed so hard. He had just found out who Mitch Hedberg was. And within finding out. Within finding out that he is now his favorite comic, he then learns he's dead. And we could not stop laughing. He goes, this Mitch Hedberg guy's great. And David tell goes, I got some bad news for you, buddy. And we are crying, laughing. But, like, those are the moments, like, where you go, this is night. Life doesn't get better.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Talk about your relationship with Jelly Roll a little bit, because you guys. He was. Do you guys have him on Two Bears? Has he been on? I don't know, but I know he did the 5k with y'. All. You guys have done. Done shows together and stuff like that. Where did that relationship start?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Honestly. I started following Jelly a long time ago. I started following online. I think I saw him on Chelsea's show originally and found. Found him. And then we started DMing and we just became friends over through the ins. Through the Internet. Then he came out and did my podcast, and we just connected immediately. There's something we have. We're very similar men in that I think we're very. We feel. We feel very lucky to be in the position we're in, as opposed to. Some guys are like, this was. I was destined for this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I Think both Jelly and I are like, man, we just feel like the luckiest dudes in the world. And we just kept. We just kept in touch. And then probably the biggest thing. I mean, it's, like, crazy. I don't think much of it, but, like, if we were in. Ever in the same city, we always hit up. He found each other. Like, if. If he was on tour near me, he'd come and have lunch at my. Where we were at the arena. And then, like, yeah, he came in Nashville. He came out to the show. I was here. And we've always just kept in touch and been close and. And then. But the crazy thing was. And this probably the best moment of our friendship, he was on Nelk Boys, and he was saying, you know, the two bears are doing a 5K. I think I'm gonna get in shape for it. It. And all of a sudden, it took off. Like, People magazine wrote us about it, and it was crazy. So we came out to do this, and then me, Bunny, Leanne, and Jelly are running the 5K together. And we're getting done. We're, like, about to pass the finish line, and. And Jelly starts crying. I'm gonna get emotional. I'm not gonna cry. Don't worry. I'm done crying. You can cry. I'm not crying. Jelly gets emotional. Jelly gets emotional, and he goes. And he's like, I think you might have just changed my life. And Bunny starts crying, and she's holding Leanne. The four of us are, like, sobbing, crossing the finish line. And. And it's true. It's like. I mean, you guys have never really, like, been, you know, had, like, health issues or had gotten. Your Life's never gotten away from you with your bodies. But guys like me and jelly, that was 2. 85 last time. The fucking time before Beer Olympics. And Jelly's had weight issues. And just that little spark of getting your health back together and getting in control of it and just getting into a place where you are moving every day. It's so fucking big. And. But that. That moment was crazy. And then immediately he's like, we're doing half a marathon. He's like, yeah. And so I was like, all right, I'm in if you're in. But he. I love him to death, man. I'm so happy for his success. He's the sweetest guy in the world, dude.

[Drew Franklin]

He really does have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, you know, you don't understand. He went and did Fully Loaded this year. He did the first week. I didn't pay him. I Didn't. I didn't cover his tour bus. I didn't cover his private jets. He did it on his own. Like, he came and did it, and I. I was like, dude, I. I gotta get. I gotta pay you back somehow. He's like, no, I just want to be with you. It's like, that's like a real friend. I love him. I love him to death.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

He is the kindest soul.

[Bert Kreischer]

He really is.

[Drew Franklin]

When you just know, like, life. Like, I think to myself, like, man, what was he like like when he was in prison and was wrapped up in the wrong stuff to. Where he has such a perspective now and he's able to talk to absolutely everybody and have this perspective that you just. You want to do nothing but root for him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The level of purity is. Is second to none. Especially when he tells stories about watching the Music City Miracle from, like, juvenile detention center.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And knowing that he's done things wrong and yet he's still this pure. Like, how does somebody go through that much adversity in life, get to the other side of this level of fame and fortune and have, you know, the ability to still be as sweet as he possibly is, not be jaded, not have, you know, a chip on his shoulder about anything. He just wants to do the best he can with what he has, and it just continues to be better and better. That's him meeting with the titans. He spoke to Congress about fentanyl issues and eloquently, too. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Like, very well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, I used to sell drugs, and now I'm sitting here saying, well, there's a problem with drugs in this country.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, he's.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's also someone, you know, when we talk about, like, people root for your downfall, and I. I assume it's a natural thing. I mean, I feel like, you know, I feel like, you know, when you people hate me, I go, okay. I think it's just normal, I guess. But then it really means a lot when people don't. When people, like, root for your success and, like, still love you, it means a lot. And, like. And, like, Jelly came out. I did Bridgestone, and he came out to, like, like, like be there for me and, like, like, celebrate it with me. And I did. I think I brought him on stage. I think we sang a song at Bridgestone. And then the next time I'm in Nashville, he's like, hey, man, would you bring me on stage tonight? And I was like. I was like, yeah, sure. Yeah. I was like, you know what I think I have a thing. I have a show. I wish I could. Where are you performing? And he's like, titan Stadium. Oh, I could cancel. I would have canceled. What the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

75,000 people. Are you shitting me? But, like, he's just very regular. Like, he. I mean, he's just so. And he's. And he really wants you to win. He wants you to succeed. I love him to death.

[Tom Segura]

And bring along the people that. Before he reaches level of fame, like, bringing them to it and being like, hey, I'm doing this. I would love for you guys to be there. Type of. And type of mentality is just. It's just awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's crazy is, like, Leanne and Bonnie are really close. They text all the time. And don't. I. I do not know how that relationship happened. I don't like. Because they're very different women. They really are different women. But, man, they're like sisters. They text. They're. He's part of the reason because, you know, we looking at properties, and Jelly just goes, hey, why don't I just give you 100 of my acres or whatever? You guys can live on our land. And Diane's like, I could live with Bunny. And I was like, hang on, Wait. What world are we living in?

[Tom Segura]

He did buy a crazy piece of land.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy, yes. He's like, I got a good place up on a mountain. And I was like, so, yeah, we're looking at everything today. But I love him. Death, man. I love. I love watching people succeed. It's funny to watch people succeed. It's fun. Like. Like, Shane's the easiest one for me to put because we all were there for it, right? We all watched it. But I remember being at. One of my favorite things in the world to do is bully Shane. I love bullying Shane. I love texting him and saying, hey, man, you want to meet up for a drink this morning? And he goes, no. And then I always write back, this is my favorite part. The unrelenting until I get him to break his spirit. To break. It's so fucking fun.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so fun to watch him crumble. Oh. So I text him one time, and I go, yo, I'm at Rogan's club at noon, partying. You meet me there? And he's like, no. I was like, cool. Do you want me to send a car to get you? He's like, I'm not going. I go, hey, man, I'm just. I want to make sure I have the right drink for you. Like, you still drink a Bud light. He's like, bert, I'm not coming. And I go, oh, Leanne, can't wait to see you. I'm so excited you're coming. And then he's like, I'm on my way. So.

[Tom Segura]

So he just eventually breaks.

[Bert Kreischer]

He comes over and it's like, things are happening for Shane, but, you know, it's like, we know it. But he comes and he goes, hey, man, can I. Can I tell you a secret? I was like, yeah. So we go away from everyone, go back to a bar. And he's like, I just got offered snl. And I was like, dude, that moment for me, like, I love that shit. I. I started crying, and he was like, stop fucking crying, bitch. Come on. Yeah. And he was like. And he got excited. But, like, watching your boys blow up, it's fucking awesome. I just texted. I just texted Matt McCusker. Matt McCusker did two nights in Boston at Wilbur. I texted him. I was like, dude, congratulations. This is awesome. That is fun.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

More people should enjoy watching people succeed, because it's fun as. And it's. He did two nights at the Wilbur. You know how hard that is.

[Drew Franklin]

He's so funny, too. I love how he promises. I love how your promos where he's at, like, on Instagram, like, he'll, like, play the piano.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. I saw a video. The one video that sticks with me. He was holding his child reading a book. I was like, you're reading a book? Like, how words are that interesting to you that you could, like. He was, like, holding his child, reading. Like, I was like, what the fuck? I never read a book. Like, yeah, look, he's reading a book. He's reading us.

[Drew Franklin]

He's in it, too. He's focused.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's reading. That's so. Like that. I've never, not. Not in a million years have I ever read like that, where I was, like, taking care of my child and reading.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, just reading in general, sitting down and being like, I'll make the decision to read is a very difficult thing to do. Something we should all do. Yeah. But a very difficult thing to just go and do and put a child on your laps.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a whole different ball game. He's awesome, man. But, yeah, like, watching your friends pop. Like, Adam Ray, man, I've. I've. I hit up Adam when we were.

[Drew Franklin]

In, bro, he was so fun on the pod.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the thing is, it's like, almost like you get. It's almost like you're proving you get proven right. Because you get behind these guys. Like, Adam Ray, I hit him up. I was like, yo, you're from Seattle. I'm doing the arena in Seattle. Would you like to come and do it and bring your family out or whatever? And he's like, dude, that would be. I was like, cool. And then I get excited. I go, I'm gonna make it about Adam this weekend. So I got us out to go meet Coach Carroll and go hang out with the Seahawks.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, he was talking about that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like this. I did it for Shane. When we went and did the first fully loaded, he. We. I said, first. Our first show was at Notre Dame. And I said, I got. We're gonna go into the practice field. We're go see the stadium. We're gonna do everything. I love doing that. I fucking love that more than anything. But Adam is fucking hysterical. And he's smart and he's funny, and he's quick, and he's really just a brilliant comic. So then to watch him blow up in a weird way, it's like, yeah, I knew it. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Like, I said, dude, I said it to Stavi the other day. I go, if anything, I'm good at two things. Introducing people and picking out talent. Like, I am really good at picking out talent. Like, I can tell you who to be the next guy is going to be. Always. Always. I think, who's the next guy? I think it's gonna be me again.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, Stavi is hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got a new movie called let's Start a Cult, and it is hysterical. It is fucking hysterical.

[Tom Segura]

Is that out now?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's out in theaters October 25th.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm. And he. We went to the screening and we were crying. It is all Stavi. Yeah. Carries the whole fucking movie. The other people in it are just as fucking funny. But it is. If you like Stavi's sense of humor. He wrote the movie within the first fucking minute of the movie. Someone's playing with his nuts. I mean, it's hysterical.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that is crazy to me. The level of talent that people have of just writing and being able to see their vision and just put it. Whether it's in a movie or on a stage or anything like that. That is incredible how much. Obviously, you. You're the Whole Machine movie you play yourself. But, like. Like, did you write that script? Because you obviously wrote the OG One when you. You actually robbed a. A train station or a train.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was with Juvenile.

[Tom Segura]

You remember Juvenile, the rapper?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah, I was with juvenile Manny Fresh the other day, and I was telling him about the Russian mafia and juvie's like, I gotta hear this story. I was like, buddy, no one wants to hear it but you. You're the only one. No, I was very. I was very hands on. In the. In. In writing the script. I would take. I mean, the very first day of writing, I rewrote the entire film. Opening scene. And so I rewrote a lot of it. Yeah, I was very hands on. It's. It's also. It's a little tricky. Excite. When we got in there, I didn't really have to memorize anything, so I was also so a part of writing it. And then. But I would rewrite scenes and then bring them in, and then Mark Hamill would lose his fucking mind while we lose mine. Because, you know, you're not supposed to just rewrite a scene and then bring it in that day and go, all right, guys, new sides, everyone. Let's all get up to speed.

[Drew Franklin]

He would get pissed off.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like. He was like, I was up all night learning this scene for our job today. He goes, you can't rewrite. I was like, oh, sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Because it's happening anyway.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

What was it like working with Jimmy Tatro?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that dude.

[Tom Segura]

He's the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's awesome. And he. Love him. He makes me laugh. So, like, there's a couple people in this world that see me the way my sisters see me. Like, I'm ridiculous. I am ridiculous. But certain people just. I don't know. Jimmy Tatro and Nate Bargazzi are two people who see me the way my sisters see me. And Jimmy is. He made me laugh so much. He's just. I'm just a ridiculous person. And he. He told me a secret. He goes, hey, can I tell you a secret? And I was like, yeah. I go, I'm not good with secrets. He goes, well, I gotta tell you this. So he tells me a secret. And then I picked up my phone and I called someone and told them his secret in front of him. And he goes, what are you doing? I said, what? He goes, I. I just told you not to tell anyone. And I was like, no, I know, but I'm telling Kale. And he goes, no, that was a whole idea of me telling you. But, like. And I. I just. He. He. He made that guy. He. He gets me. Him and Nate Bargazi, for whatever reason, if they ever meet each other, they will get along so well. But, yeah, Jimmy, I love him. Like a brother.

[Drew Franklin]

Nate crushed it on snl. Dude murdered crushed it on snl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nate's man. Nate's funny in a way that, like, I don't know. It's so effortless. It's like, right? He, I, I think Nate's one of the funniest human beings alive.

[Tom Segura]

He is funny, man. That George Washington's get was hilarious. Hilarious.

[Drew Franklin]

His tone, his timing. He is, he's really funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was at the Ryman last night, and me and Nate and Ari Shafir were at The Ryman probably 10 years ago. We were watching Angela Johnson perform. None of us were selling any tickets anywhere. And Nate was like, one day that'll be us. And I was like, no way. And he was like, no, what will I get here? And Nate's like, I'll get here. And I was like, I'll never get here. And I remember saying out loud, I was like, because Angela Johnson has the nail salon. I said, give me one nail salon bit, I'll tell for the rest of my life. It'll get me on that stage. And then that was the machine. And the machine happened. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Were you surprised at how much the fans loved your movie or did you know it was going to be awesome?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I thought, I'll tell you. No, I, I, I, I knew it was a good movie. I knew it wasn't going to be what people expected. I knew it was an action movie and it was, like, fun. It was fast paced. I knew all that. I knew people would like it. I didn't know it was going to do as well as it did on Netflix. What I was not prepared for was any sort of negative stuff. I just.

[Drew Franklin]

Critics toward a party.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, they hated it. And, and, and I, and I hanging.

[Tom Segura]

A golf cart and be like, hey, there might be a situation where people don't like the movie. They're going to say negative things.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was so blindsided by that. I was so blind. I was like, I was like. I was like, well, yeah, I made a movie. I'm not supposed to make movies. Just like, what? What wouldn't you like about it? And they're like, it bombed in the box office. And I was like, well, yeah, everything's bombing. Like, I literally, I was so oblivious that Tommy said to me, he's like, how, how you doing with the release of the movie? I was like, great. He's like, really? I was like, amazing.

[Drew Franklin]

He's like, Tom's like, check out this Reddit page.

[Tom Segura]

Bubble. But there's all this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, why would they say that? And he was like, you put on a movie, man. People aren't gonna like it. And I was like, hold on, wait. Because, you know, no one ever says about your specials, like, your specials just either just do. Well, yeah, I remember, dude. This is how oblivious I am to things. I remember. I won't say his name, but there was a comic. I'll say his name. Just edited out. He put out. Don't pull up the Rotten Tomatoes now. Give me another fucking twisted tv. So the.

[Tom Segura]

He.

[Bert Kreischer]

He had put out a trailer for a special, and it was getting slammed in the comments. And I remember going. I remember I was traumatized by it. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This can happen. I was like, what do you mean? Why would people not like your stand up? Like, just don't watch it. It's not for you. I. I was so caught off guard because, like, negativity wasn't like. I just. You never saw negativity? Like, you just didn't. It's like you did a podcast and like, yeah, you got backlash if you said something bad, but, like, everyone's always on your side. When that movie came out, man, people fucking. There were people that hated me, and I was like, what?

[Tom Segura]

How are they going to hate you for it, though? I don't. Hating you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Not like, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. I think a lot. I think.

[Drew Franklin]

What were they hate. What were they hating about it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just me, I think. I don't know. I think the fact that I was like. I think that I. Probably the promotion of it. I don't know. I was so oblivious. I had such blinders on in that whole period of my life that I was just moving as fast as I could forward in everything. Like, in this time, I had a special come out. I had this come out. I had a European tour, I had an Australian tour. I had all. I had so much going on that I just was like. I don't know. Everything was in front of me. It's like driving in New York. I just looked in front of me. I never looked behind me. And then when this came out and Razzle Dazzle did well, I had an arena tour. Like, I had all this shit going on. That was the first time I. I mean, I was oblivious to it, too. I was. I remember having breakfast with Christy Mac and her boyfriend in Beverly Hills and a beautiful hotel. Getting drunk that morning, being smoking a cigar in my car, being like, fucking, the world's my oyster.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I saw Tommy and Austin. I Was still on cloud nine. And he was like. He's like, how are you doing? I said, great. He's like, how's the movie? I said, fine. Awesome. It's great. He's like, you sure? I was like, what?

[Tom Segura]

He's like, damn it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some people don't like it. And I was like, what? Who know people? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, I don't know. Like, take a look at this. And I was like, what the fuck, Tom? Why would you show that to me? And he was like, I don't know. You should know. And I was like, no, I was better being not knowing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. But then it came out on Netflix and it was, like, trended. It was number one movie for, like, a month, and people love it. I've never had anyone. That's the weird thing is, like, people say stuff online, but, like, in person, people just give you love. Like, I. I really am not online at all these days. Like, I don't read any comments. I don't read anything. You just interact with people. I've never. I've. I take pictures everywhere I go. I was at the Ryman last night. I took pictures all the way up until the show started. All anyone did was give me love. And naturally I get love. So I just. I kind of go by that, you know, it's like. It's like covet. Do you remember? It's like the Internet's the swab. It's uncomfortable. It goes up your nose, it hurts. And yeah, it goes. You have covet. Or you could not take the test and just go, I don't believe in covet.

[Tom Segura]

That's a nice. That's a nice one.

[Drew Franklin]

Hey, you don't read comments.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. I don't.

[Drew Franklin]

You read comments.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't read any comments.

[Drew Franklin]

Be the only comments.

[Tom Segura]

Occasionally, every now and then.

[Drew Franklin]

You want to get a post.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I'm never. I'm. I am off comments. I am off comments.

[Tom Segura]

Are you off social media? Like, are you running your social media or somebody else running your social media?

[Bert Kreischer]

This is how. This is how then we do to.

[Drew Franklin]

Get on a post. You might, like, check it all.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I look at likes. I look at likes and I look at number of comments. So, like, I'll go. Like, I'll go into Instagram. See, I'll show you exactly what I do. So I go into Instagram, I go to. Oh, I go to my page, right? And then I'll look at. Like, this is a thing with Judd So we just had Judd on, or I had Judd on for two bears. 10,000 views. 10,240 6,000 views, three likes, whatever. And I go, that's odd. A lot of people watching and I love a lot of people liking it. It's because Judd's a little described. It's. It's because it's Judd. And you know, podcast. Podcast fans are like anyone who ever stood up for Wokeness, they just hate them. And so.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Judd's a little bit of a volatile character online. Jimmy Kimmel on. They hated Jimmy. And Jimmy's a sweet guy.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's. Dude, you can predict what the Internet's going to like. You can just go like, I was shocked that you guys thought you'd get any pushback about having Trump on. Like, when I heard you guys talk about like, some people aren't gonna like you, I was like, who? The Internet loves Trump. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

But there was still some pushback.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, there were text messages too.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, we got some grown ups.

[Bert Kreischer]

Grownups probably didn't like you. Like, you gotta. You got phone calls from people's parents. But like, the Internet loves Internet. Theo had Trump on and the Internet got erect immediately.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think. But like 2020, the Internet hated Trump. But it. But then Elon Musk buys Twitter and now it seems like everywhere you go, people are loving Trump.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, why do you think that's a massive difference maker? Is Elon or somebody else owning Twitter?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. I mean, I haven't been on Twitter. I haven't been on Twitter since it turned into X. Really?

[Tom Segura]

Anti Musk.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I just know it was, it was such a fucking negative place that it's like a Twitter is.

[Drew Franklin]

Or X is where probably the most negativity is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I can't. I don't. I don't want that in my life. Like, I don't want you to be able to affect my day. Meaning if you're listening and you're like, God damn it, I fucking hate Bert. I. I'm cool with that. I get that. That's part of the job. However, I don't need you getting into my day fucking my day up. Like, I want to be able to walk to the office, have a great day, have a cocktail and smile and your opinion of me as Val as it may be, I don't need to know it. I don't need to know it. Also, if you love me, I can't allow that to affect me either. I've got to make sure that my day is controlled within my parameters and I can have a beautiful day with no exterior. I don't, you know, so, like, that's why I don't around with comments. That's why I don't around online.

[Tom Segura]

Have you always had that conclusion?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What was. What was the thing that was like, all right, I gotta. I can realize that this is affecting me way more than it should, good or bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the. There was. I mean, there was a period, I think probably right when the movie came out that I was. I would. I would read. There was.

[Drew Franklin]

After Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is definitely.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom lives comments. Shane reads comments. Mark Norman reads comments. They all read everyone. There are people that read their own Reddit pages of themselves. Oh, my God. I just was like. I was like, dude, there's a kid. I remember telling someone this. There's a kid who doesn't have a great life. He's miserable. He works at Walmart and he maybe stock stuff in the back. His dad left his mom and him a long time ago. He lives in an apartment in Nashville. I don't know this kid, but this is a kid. It's got to be. He's losing his hair. He's skinny. He's never really had any muscle structure. Women have never really taken to him. He doesn't have a lot of friends. What he does have is podcasting. And God damn it, he hates Bert Kreisler. Well, I don't. In real life, I don't care about this person. However, if this person leaves a negative comment and I read it, all of a sudden, this person owns my day.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, that's impossible. I can't allow that to be a real thing. I can't allow this kid who works at Walmart shelving stuffs. His employees don't respect him. His dad left his mom when he was young. He's got nothing going on. But God damn it, he is in the head of this comedian. And I'm sitting there and I can't enjoy my polar plunge because this kid at Walmart. I'm. I got this kid's. I'm in my sauna.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. I'm. It's. It's wild that that was a real scenario in my life that there would be someone that would. And you know, there was like, what's even crazier? I'm give this kid a shout out because there's a kid. His. I forgot his name. Crack d'. Amico. Okay, Crack d', Amico, shout out to the Kid. He's very talented. Crack Amico. Crack Amico.

[Tom Segura]

Crack Amico.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crack Amico, I think is his name. I got. And look, it's. We have a weird history because he wrote a really hateful song about me and Tom that Ari was like, you gotta. I don't know why people love the negativity, but Ari's like, you gotta watch it. You gotta watch it. So I watch it. And I'm like, I didn't enjoy it. I mean, it's horrible. Don't pull it. I don't want to see it. And sure, you were about to. Oh, yeah. It's bad. It's bad. I mean, it hurts my. It hurt my feelings. Like, it. It. And it fucked a weekend up for me. A weekend I couldn't. I was just really bothered by it. They called me on Legionist Gangs and they were like, what did you think of it? And I was like, it sucked. I was like, I wish I hadn't seen it. I wish I hadn't seen it. And I wish it was about someone else. I. What are you looking for? And then he. And then he said. And then he did an apology video. He sent me a dm. This guy, he was like, man, I'm sorry. I'm a huge fan. And it's clear when you watch this song, this guy has to be a massive fan of mine to have the amount of information about me that he has. It's impossible not to. He knew who my dad's old clients were. Like, he. He knew that only a mega fan would know. And he said, I'm so sorry. I am a massive fan. And I got caught up in the hate to get views. And. And he put out a huge apology video. And then I realized, like. And then he got attacked. He got attacked really bad. And then he had to double back and be like, it was all a joke. I was just trying to get Burt. I don't know. I don't know what he's doing.

[Drew Franklin]

Right. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I don't care.

[Tom Segura]

It's tough to get into that little spin zone. It's hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But I remember thinking, poor. I've seen him in person. He's a smaller stature dude and he's a nice guy. I saw him at Skanks Fest recently. He was terrified of me. Like, he didn't. I wanted to say hi to him and he ran away. I know, but you go, why would you ever let that guy affect your life? Why would you ever allow someone who's. Who is online saying something negative? Ruin your parents weekend with your daughter. Like, I got one weekend to spend with my daughter. I'm gonna get on a comment and let it my day up. Right? Like, it just didn't. It didn't none of that. That's why I don't. With comments and. And the neg. The positive ones are. You don't. They don't. It's like, how can a negative one do so much damage to me? But a positive one, I just go glance past.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, that was nice movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Dude, you're the legend. Whatever. Next. Next. You're legend. Next. Next. Dude, I. You're my favorite community. Okay, whatever. Oh, you're a fat. Who tells the same story over and over again. God damn it.

[Drew Franklin]

Like, yeah, let me spend some time on this one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

It's like, live for the cheers. Die by the booze, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Think about it with athletes. I think about it with athletes way more.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, brother.

[Bert Kreischer]

That.

[Tom Segura]

Trust me, Will and I've had that conversation a times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's the cuz? It's so. Because you're doing your best. It's not like you're not doing your best. And then you fail, and then your whole city hates you. And then the next week, you got to go out and try to win again for the people that hate you. Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Off.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, this great, great photo to pull up to Sean Watson this weekend. Tours Achilles, and people are cheering about it, happy about it. It like, this guy tore his Achilles. Might never be the same ever again. Could. You know, who knows? Surgery could go wrong. Couldn't be done playing football forever, and people are, like, stoked that he's done.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you imagine having to do comedy for people that hated you? And what like that? Like, that's the thing that me up.

[Tom Segura]

What a feeling when you win that room over.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, did you ever see Bill Burr in Philly? No. It's the greatest. It's.

[Drew Franklin]

Philly hated him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. And I apologize to Bill if I'm. I'm retelling something that he, you know, he doesn't care about. He doesn't. It's. It's just one of the most epic things. I mean, it's like he goes in and does a show in Philly. I'm paraphrasing you. I would say anyone should go out and. And watch the video. It's that better. I'm gonna paraphrase. He goes out and does the Opie and Anthony tour in Philly, and they booed the comic before him. And second, he gets up he tries some material, and they start booing Bill. And Bill goes, no, you. You know What? I got 14 minutes left, and I'm gonna take every bit of that time to tell you why your city sucks. And he starts roasting the city of Philadelphia. And it's brilliant in all of it because he's. He's really picking. He's a sports guy, so he knows everything about Philly, right? And he grew up in Boston, so he really can take apart Philly, but he keeps going back to the clock. He goes, five minutes left. Five fucking minutes. And the room turns and they start cheering him on, and he wins the room. It is the most epic fucking ride. It is quintessential Bill Burr. If you know Bill, this is how his brain works. And he fucking turns an arena to cheering for him about him, making fun of them. It's fucking brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

He is incredible, dude.

[Drew Franklin]

He is so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is. He is. I love him.

[Tom Segura]

You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care.

[Bert Kreischer]

Retirement options, and free training.

[Tom Segura]

They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime.

[Bert Kreischer]

Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin, and this is NFL Cover Zero. We think NFL coverage should be informative and entertaining, and twice a week, that is exactly what you're going to get. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game. What was that? Looks like something that should not be sold.

[Matt Jones]

Oh, my.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that was my other big Colts takeaway.

[Matt Jones]

They sold that?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Might want to go back to the Colts stadium. Yeah, I might want to go back to the drawing board on that.

[Matt Jones]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought the shape we had with pretzels was working pretty well.

[Tom Segura]

It's worked for generations.

[Matt Jones]

We're just here trying to enjoy it. We hope you all will join us throughout the year. And let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope I'm as youthful as Pete.

[Matt Jones]

Carroll is at his age. He's a young 73. He is a young 73. He is spry.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't fight him. I would listen.

[Matt Jones]

NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan. He's Ty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the solid verbal college football podcast.

[Ty]

College football season is here. And you know what that means.

[Dan]

Your team is going to break your heart three times probably before Halloween.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Ty]

But fear not, the Solid Verbal will be right there with you through every soul crushing loss and impossible comeback.

[Dan]

Join us all season long, all year long, as we ride the rollercoaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Whether you're a die hard fan or a casual observer, we'll help you make sense of all the chaos and of course, celebrate the madness. Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else, and all the emotional support you need as a college football fan.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Ty, we live it.

[Ty]

Listen to the Solid Verbal college football podcasts on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I love him to death. His. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You get emotional?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, not at all.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we had a period where we weren't talking.

[Tom Segura]

Paused there. I got nervous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was, it sucked for both of us, I think. You know, but it's like, you know, we're in, in comedy, we're all, we're all like brothers, you know, like, especially.

[Drew Franklin]

I was gonna say, how does it get to a point to where you guys aren't talking?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's easy actually, because we don't see each other unless you're at the clubs. We didn't see each other at the clubs. You know, it's like I, I could very easily get to a point where I'm not talking with a lot of people because it's like we're living our own lives and we're reaching out and, and we had a podcast together and, and, and you know, it was like the day that we kind of reconnected was that I'm saying I'm sharing this and I know this would bother Bill. I know it would, so I'll shut up. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right now. Right now Bill's burr is going shut the up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did he shut his goddamn mouth? Yeah, I love him. He's. Dude, he's.

[Tom Segura]

He's got a beautiful mind. The way he's able to dissect things. And what was the guy who used to do Daily show that he said on his show and then just made fun of him the whole time? It was a recent episode or something that came out up. It was all a holier than now type of situation. I forget who it was. If you can't pull it up, that's perfectly fine because I don't have a whole lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just. He is. He is just masterful and. And honestly generous, and I love him to death. It's. I love. It's. It's. The coolest thing is I'm in a job where the greatest minds in the world are my friends. Like, the. Like, the fact that, like.

[Drew Franklin]

Thank you for saying that about us, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, you know, I love you guys more than anything.

[Tom Segura]

The feeling, I'm definitely mutual.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I said, I'm sitting outside listening you guys talk about sports, and I'm like, God damn it. That's like. It's crazy. It's crazy now that, like, you guys, it was never going to be this way. Football was supposed to be the highlight of your life. That's it. That was the mountaintop. You did it. It's over. And you guys have created a paradigm within which the biggest moments of your life are still ahead of you. It's fucking insane. I mean, look at. Look at Pat McAfee. That fucking guy is epic. I mean, fucking insane.

[Tom Segura]

Could you imagine if Pat McAfee decided to listen to everybody that was like, hey, you're a punter. Just be a punter.

[Drew Franklin]

Right, right, right, right.

[Tom Segura]

I mean.

[Drew Franklin]

Yep. Every. Every move he's made, there's been criticism.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right. The biggest. Like, what is it? The biggest boundary you have is your own imagination or what you believe you're allowed to do and not allowed to do, because it really is. You're absolutely right. Like, Pat is a guy that the sports world, especially in general, just on top of the absolute world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

And called him nuts. Crazy. Get a helmet back on him. Why is he retiring?

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought he was a little out of his mind when he started his podcast, and I saw how much he was investing in it, because I remember we were all doing, like. We all just had, like, a zoom and a couple mics, right? And then we went to. I remember going to pass, going like, yo, you have a building. Like, you have a building of employees. Like, who the what? And I was like. I was like, okay. And then in my head, I was like, is this the future? And he was. And he was just. I think he's just. He's just fucking dialed in, you know? Can I tell you someone else who's sneaky dialed in that you'd never think it, I think, is Theo.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Theo is like. You know, it's like, talk about under promise over perform. Theo Vaughn, man, that guy. I was texting him last night. This made me feel so in my feelings about goes. I was like, having town, you Want to hang out or something? He's like, yeah. He's like, I can't tonight. I'm preparing for a podcast. And I went, we're supposed to be preparing for these.

[Tom Segura]

He's done an incredible job when we did Trump. So I went. I listened to a couple of podcasts, wrote some notes down, but when I got to, like, Chicago to do the episode, I was like, all right, we got it. I know. I got Will. I know. There's always, like, anytime things aren't doing, like, there's. You feel like there's something. You can always just turn to Will. We can just talk for a little bit and then find our way to a new question.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So in my mind, I'm feeling very confident, very comfortable. It's like 30 minutes before he comes on, and Will is writing notes, looking at something. I'm pretty sure he had headphones in. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, my God, like, what? Is there something I'm not doing right now that I should absolutely be doing? The panic that ensued in my body, I literally. I got the piece of paper out, and I started just writing things on a piece of paper that didn't even make sense, because I feel like I should just be doing this also because he's doing this when I feel a whole lot better, when I do a little bit less, actually. But because he was so prepared. And we sat there for six hours before the episode.

[Drew Franklin]

That's what was brutal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Because if you go and you're like, all right, we have this big guest coming up. The first time you came on before, we're familiar with you, it's like, yo, we got burnt on the episode. Your whole goal is the minute you walk here is, like, get him on the bus as soon as possible. Because you don't want to have, like, the small talk where you're like, yeah. And so we sit there with this for six hours with a couple of Secret Service guys. All the conversations you could have are already done. And now it's just like, now we have an hour and a half now.

[Drew Franklin]

We got there at 3 to do all the Secret Service stuff, and we were supposed to be there at three. We were probably gonna sit down and interview him at, like, 6. And then there was a little hope that we might get him on a little earlier. I don't think we sat down with him until, like, 9pm at night.

[Tom Segura]

Right. So we're here for.

[Drew Franklin]

We're, like, trapped. We're, like, trapped in that. That little conference room. Unless you go. Unless you go potty. And then the Secret Service guys got an escort.

[Bert Kreischer]

You go, oh, cuz. Oh, yeah. Oh. I didn't even think about, like, what the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was. And that's. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm preparing for my Putin interview. I'm getting Putin. I know everything about that guy.

[Drew Franklin]

He coming flying in Austin, Texas.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm. I'll fly to. I told. I was. I was gonna go to Russia to promote the movie, and apparently they're kidnapping journalists. And so I was like, well, maybe it's a bad time.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, you make it happen. That's a whole new special.

[Drew Franklin]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

You got that now that's a nice little game in.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd definitely bring a vape pen in the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's a. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whatever happened to Brittany Griner? Is she still playing?

[Tom Segura]

She's still.

[Dan]

She's playing.

[Tom Segura]

She's still hooping.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

She's doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, but.

[Drew Franklin]

But on your point with Theo. Yeah. I feel like he is, like, reaching insane new stratospheres because his. His pod, like, the way he started. Because I've. I've followed Theo, like, since he's been podcasting out in LA and everything else. The Rat King. And now it feels like he's becoming like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

A.

[Drew Franklin]

A Rogan s style podcast where he has on all these massive names and all these massive people. But he does it his style, in.

[Tom Segura]

His way and making the change. I believe it was during COVID or around that time where he was like, I'm leaving la. I'm gonna go to Nashville.

[Drew Franklin]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

When he was doing a whole bunch of stuff with Shop and Dahlia and all that. And it's like this guy's kind of taking away his lifeline a little bit because he was always kind of in a group of people as opposed to being solo.

[Drew Franklin]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And taking that by the balls and rolling is. Is extreme.

[Drew Franklin]

I mean, Trump on them. Bernie Sanders, like, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. Wow. And then he has a plumber.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. And the numbers do just as well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because people are really there for Theo.

[Bert Kreischer]

I will tell you. I will tell you this. And I think Theo would even attest to this. Me and Amy Schumer realized how brilliant he was when we did. We did a reality show called Reality Bites back on Comedy Central probably, like, 12 years ago. And Theo Vaughn was, without question, on the final episode of that show, the funniest individual anyone's ever witnessed speak aloud. We were crying, laughing from the. For the whole. Amy Schumer and I were like, he is going to be the best comic ever. If It. And this was the thing. I was like, if he can figure out how to do what he's doing right now on stage, that. And he. And I'm being for real. He didn't for a while, like, because this is, like, probably 15 years ago, 12 years ago. That's it. Is that the episode that fucking. That person right there made me and Amy Schumer laugh harder than any. I've never laughed that hard. Michael and Black was like, dude, this guy's a genius, everyone. Donnell Rollins. Theo's the funniest man alive. And. And he figured out just. He just cut some of the bullshit out. And he is today that guy, man. We saw it that. We get the first taste of it that night, and we were like, this is. This man will be unstoppable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's. And he's the sweetest fucking guy. You know how sweet this motherfucker is. I'm a. I love little secret stuff. You landed the podcast with your ladies. Fucking. You know, Theo showed up to give her love. He pulled up to say, hey, Leanne. First live show. I just want to say hi and congratulations. That's who the. That guy is. That's awesome. You don't ever. Like, that goes down in my book forever. Like, that's like. He's a real dude.

[Tom Segura]

That's all time. When it comes to the podcast stuff, like you with Rogan, him starting. Did you guys ever imagine that that would be. I mean, is that the craziest in the world?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Because you. You see, I. You see the clip of him. He was on somebody else's. Somebody else's show that kind of gave him the. The brainchild to make the Joe Rogan Experience. And we all. I mean, you're obviously friends with him, but everybody who listens to podcasts has come across Rogan one way or another, and most of the time become fans.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's got the largest podcast in the entire world. Like, did you guys ever think that was going to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Such a massive opportunity for views and everything and getting to see your specials and your movie coming out and all that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. It's why I have a hard time understanding the way people see Joe today, because I just know that Joe. Like. I just know the Joe, like. Like, it's funny. I like to go back and listen to old episodes of his and. Because that's the Joe. I remember this. I mean, he's. He's brilliant. He's always been a brilliant dude. He's always been ahead of the curve. And I'll say that I knew something was up with the podcast the first time I did it, and I got, like, 6,000 followers on Twitter immediately. And I was like, whoa. And then the next time I did it, I put out the machine shirt, and I sold, like, 25 grand in shirts by the weekend. And I was like. And we did six figures in shirts in the first month. And I was like, whoa. This is like. I mean, you kind of knew then. There's, like, a moment where. And. And. And. And then when we did, like, Sober October, and you just. The ground swell around it. And that's why I also say, like, that's why negative stuff caught me off guard, because you only, like. It was overwhelmingly positive. You went on Rogan. It was overwhelmingly positive. It was like, dude, you guys are losing weight. Bert got his beard shaved, and everyone, Tom's fat. Pray for Joe. And. Or. And it was, like, crazy. I think the time I started noticing negativity, really honestly, was when I got drugged by Ari, and. And not everyone thought it was bad. Like, And I remember going like, oh, there are people that call me a bitch, because I got upset by it. And I was like, oh, this is weird. It was crazy because it was our friendship and it was our. It was our friends. It was like, you know what? I'm gonna talk to Joe every day, probably an hour, that whole October, probably every day for an hour. And I talked to him because I was really upset by it. But I. I don't think any of us ever. Ever thought it was going to be what it is. I don't think any of us ever saw this for him. I mean, I. And I still, to this day, like, I was with him the other day, and I was like. I was like, what? Like, he signed that new deal or whatever. And I was like, what's it like? What's it like to be, like, that rich? Like, I never thought I'd know someone had that much money. And he was just like, oh, no. Like, he's. I mean, he's still Joe to me. Like, he's still like, you know? And he's like, I don't know, man. Like, he's like. He's like. My favorite Joe moment is we were high, and he was like, how many fish do you think we'd have if. If you could throw a fish 10ft in the air and it grew wings and it would fly, how many fish do you think we'd have on this earth? And I was like, the fuck are you talking about?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. What does that Mean, that's Joe Rogan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that's who he is. He's a silly. Like you backstore at the. At the. At the Mothership. That's Joe Rogan. Like, when I see him interview some of these fucking people, I go, I don't know that guy at all. I don't really. Like, I don't understand. I reread the guy's book before the fucking thing, right? Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

Ultimate curiosity.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ultimate. Ultimate curiosity. But the Rogan I know is the one that you get there. I mean, this is like the. This. Anyone that's done, that's good friends with Joe would know this. Joe. The Joe that you do the podcast with and then you play pool with for an hour, smoking weed and talking. That's the Joe I know. Like, that's the. But he's. I mean, he's. He saw it early. Like, he was. He was told all of us, get podcasts. He's like, get a podcast immediately. Get a podcast. I was like, I'm better as a guest. He's like, no, get a podcast. Get a podcast. You gotta have a podcast, dude. I'm telling you, this is gonna change the world, dude. Thank God I listened to him. Thank God. Thank God for Joey Diaz and Thompson girl that came over to my house on. On a Sunday when my dad. We were having Easter Sunday. They came over, Tom hit record, gave us all mics, and I did my first podcast. Tom said, don't edit it. Just put it up. And now you got to do it every week. And thank God he did that, because it changed my life. I mean, that Tom, it's amazing. All the people that affect you in certain ways that are. Have a positive income effect in your life. And it's funny to see who people see Tom as. I just know Tom as a guy who counts your burps in a car. You know, like, that's Tommy. Like, he's just. Is. I. I know him as the fat Tom. I don't. I don't think of him as having money ever. I know that he has money, but I. All I remember is poor Tom, who would plug his phone in across the room because he only had one charger, and then he'd just walk across the room to get his fucking phone. Like, I only know. Like, I remember when he got addicted to pecan pies and. And he started eating, like, two or three pecan pies a day.

[Tom Segura]

A day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he used to travel with hot sauce in his pocket. He had hot sauce on him all the time, dude, I. My. I love. My favorite moment of Tommy is. And this is worthy of someone Googling and watching for yourself. We went to Hawaii, me and Tom, and with Russell Peters. And the very first day, Tom's hairy as. And I go, dude, let me shave your back. And he goes, you sure? And I said, yeah, let me shave your back. So I shave his back, and he's shaving his back. I realized there's so much hair on him that, like, I was like, dude, your. Your armpit hair connects with your chest hair. That shouldn't happen. I go, let me hollow that out for you. And he goes, what do you mean? I said, I'll just clean it up. I'm gonna clean it up. So it looks defined. It looked like you have muscles. And he's like, you sure? And I was like, yeah, I'm drunk. He's drunk. And I shave his one tit, like, to hollow it out. And as I pull back. As I pull back, I realize it looks like his tits are wearing sunglasses. And he gets fucking livid because it's our first day in Hawaii, and he looks ridiculous. And I can't stop laughing. I am crying, laughing. It's the hardest I've ever laughed because it looks insane. And now he has to walk around Hawaii looking like this all week.

[Drew Franklin]

God, I didn't know he was that fat.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, bro. Oh, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Look up some of his earlier.

[Bert Kreischer]

If there's ever been. If there's ever been an ad for Ozempic, let me tell you, this guy, he was so fat, he was type in. Just have fun and Google fat Tom. And it is insane how fat he was.

[Tom Segura]

Massive. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

I did not know that.

[Tom Segura]

Massive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. And you know. You know, he was like a stud growing up, like, recruited to play football. Places. Jawline, chin. Look at. That's not him. That's not him.

[Tom Segura]

Sherm's out there grabbing another tweet. He'll get you. He'll come back and be able to dial it off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you the one thing, the one thing I wish I had.

[Drew Franklin]

That's him.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's him.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's him. That's him. That's him.

[Tom Segura]

That one right there's him.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Tom Segura. That's Tom Segura. I mean, that's Tom Segura.

[Tom Segura]

Big boy.

[Drew Franklin]

Big boy.

[Tom Segura]

Big, thick boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

If there was one thing.

[Tom Segura]

Four stairs, tired at a breath boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

If. If there was one thing. You admiring him that you wish you had. And if there's One thing you admiring him that you wish you had, what would it be?

[Drew Franklin]

Say. Say that again.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, I look at Tommy and I go, the one thing I wish I had that Tommy has is he doesn't care what people think about him. Like, really?

[Tom Segura]

That is beautiful.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's insane. It's insane. When he went after pro wrestling, I was like, yo, Tom, like, we have friends that are like professional wrestlers. Like, he's like, I don't care. I go, yeah, but I think a lot of people are going to get upset. And he goes, yeah, I don't give a. He really doesn't care at all. It's insane. You know, he doesn't care on such a level. Like, he doesn't. Like when we go do Rogan, he's like, no, I got a heart out. I can only do an hour today. And you're like, dude's Rogan, let's do three hours. He's like, no, I'm leaving. He just doesn't care. He can sit silently in a car and not talk for a six hour car ride. Just not speak to you. He's insane. I wish I could not insane. I wish I could not. So, like, what's one thing that you see him do that you go, I wish I had more of that. And what's one thing you see him have that you go? I wish I could be more like.

[Drew Franklin]

Taylor's obsessive discipline with his health.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Drew Franklin]

Well, yeah, like, when Taylor wants to get something done health wise, he stays dialed in. Now, obviously, like, we'll have our times where we splurge and do all the.

[Tom Segura]

Car ride back from Knoxville.

[Drew Franklin]

About that stuff, the boys would.

[Tom Segura]

You know that gas station, didn't we?

[Drew Franklin]

You know what I'm talking about, like, when he gets dialed in on something health wise that he wants to get done and accomplished, like, it gets accomplished, accomplished.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Are you working out right now?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, can't tell. What's up, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I mean, you look amazing.

[Tom Segura]

No, I literally. It's funny you say that, and I do appreciate that because it's literally for the last two months I've been traveling and moving around so much that I've just treated my body like a sewer.

[Drew Franklin]

I know it pisses you off too.

[Tom Segura]

I know, because I just, I. I do love. I found myself loving routine and enjoying routine and figuring out, okay, I'm gonna get up in the morning, I'm gonna do this and then I'm gonna go. And as soon as work is done, I'm gonna make immediately get home as Fast as possible. Spend as much time with my family as possible. Don't pull this up. I did a thing for. Oh, that's the thing with Redwood Outdoor.

[Drew Franklin]

No free shout outs.

[Tom Segura]

But yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I.

[Drew Franklin]

And he was that way in football too.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, you.

[Tom Segura]

You were. You. I think you've got.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I would have loved. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

But not. Not like, as intense.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. One thing I love about Will that I wish I had more of is how truly intentional he is with things. Like if we. Like when we do the. Our locker room that comes out on Wednesdays, he. He's so intentional about what he's gonna say and what his picks are and how he's gonna say it to where I. I really enjoy going somewhere and then figuring out what I'm gonna say there. I think there's a lot of fun in that for my brain to be like, okay, like, let me try to maneuver and figure out my best way to make my friend smile, laugh, or ask a good question. What I see will do, kind of like the Trump thing is like the. The ability to prepare in a way that is extremely effective and extremely intentional about the way he does it that I just don't have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

The best part of that interview was the last two questions.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And they were all by, again, smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was really smart because. Because you ended up getting like 10 more minutes out of him because he was done.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then you were like, actually, I have one more question going. I actually have one. It's a follow up and it would. That was the best part of that interview.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was really smart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He was. It's. It's a. It's a special thing. And that was nice. You made us do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I wish Tommy, if I was going to say now as I'm talking to you too, if I was like, I wish Tommy had more of the. The thing you guys have. Like, Tommy and I are close, but we're close in a weird way. Like, we're really close, but not like publicly is that. If that makes sense. Like, you guys team up really well together. Like when you guys do stuff like beer Olympics. Like, you could never get Tommy to do beer Olympics. You could never get.

[Tom Segura]

He did promise when he was at the Super Bowl. He did break that promise. He broke that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, even this. I'm now gonna fucking tell a secret. And. But Tommy wasn't gonna come to the premiere of my movie.

[Tom Segura]

I know. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you knew that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like, I think, like, because he just doesn't Give a fuck. Like, he just really doesn't give a fuck about a lot of things. And so he goes, yeah, I'm not gonna make it. I'm just coming in. I'm gonna be on the road. And. And it really fucked me up. And I was like, I was like, I would go anywhere for him, like, right? But he's like, yeah, I just, I can't do it. And you're like, what? I mean, I got. I got emotional. And then they. He showed up and surprised me and I cried on the red carpet. But I was like, Like, I love, like if. And maybe it's because we live in different cities though now, is that we're, you know, we're so. What seems like we're so distant. We're like, we only see each other to do the podcast, you know? Like, I wish, I wish it was. I wish we could go back to Covet. Do you guys miss Covet at all?

[Drew Franklin]

I miss Covid for the late night Risk games.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, dude. And it was like a weekday too. Like a Tuesday night. Because we do. Like, that's one thing that I, I was interested in is your guys relationship being in different cities. Like, you probably cherish the times you're together a lot more.

[Bert Kreischer]

We dump. We emotionally dump on each other when we see each other. Like just everything comes out and then. And then we pod and what's. It's only this sucks a little bit. Is like, because we're in different cities, we don't really, like, we don't really get to hang out as much, you know, because if we hang out, we're like, we might as well monetize it. Let's do a podcast that's kind of.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's kind of where we sit a little bit too. Like, there's been a couple times where Taylor's been out of town or Charles been out of town, and one of us is like, hey, this weekend let's get the boys together. Yeah, let's do X, Y and Z. And then you just spend every single day with each other. And it's kind of like the weekend comes and goes and you're like, oh, yeah, we didn't hang out, did we? Because you're just together all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you something.

[Tom Segura]

All of the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Long time ago, I remember talking to Rogan on the phone. This is bizarre. And he was like, we got into a really good conversation. He's like, yo, yo, yo, yo, save it. Why don't you come over? Let's podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I Was like, yeah, good call. I hung up, drove out podcast, had the same conversation. Because you're like, yo, it's such a good conversation.

[Tom Segura]

That's how most of our Mondays are. We'll show up, we'll start talking about things. Let's just wait. Yeah, we'll just wait until we get on the bus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's. And. But you know what's crazy is, like, the conversations Tommy and I do have that aren't on the podcast are so. Would be such great podcasts. Like, it's just gossip and, like, drama and, like, I mean, like a couple.

[Tom Segura]

Of gals spilling tea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, I remember when you know about.

[Drew Franklin]

What you say, you're just having a conversation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

The good thing with us, too, though, is, like, we do this. The fall tour. We. We do. We do different tours where we're traveling around, going to games together. So we get to do, like, fun like that. That gets considered, like, we're working, but ultimately we're having.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can't. We cannot tour together. We are very different tour people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Like, it would not go well or go too well to the point where it would not be good.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it would never go well. He is. I mean, am I. Am I right in assessing this? Tom, when we did the super. We did the super bowl just recently.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Me and him did with Shane, and we brought Shane and then Bobby Lee with us. My green room was awesome. Nate Diaz, Guy Fieri, Jimmy Kimmel, a bunch of pro athletes, Shane and Bobby. And everyone's having cocktails. Tom had his own green room where there was a red light. And Tom sitting in a chair. Am I not. Am I making this up? Tom sits by himself in his green room with a red light. He changes all the restaurant, and he just sits there.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because he's a lunatic. I went to his show at the Forum, and. And he just is sitting in a red. And I go, what are you doing? And he doesn't drink. He doesn't really party. He's just relaxing. You know, he had too short at his is show at the Forum. I went to go see him. What's so crazy is I was at his show on the Forum, and some guy was like, you guys are really friends? And I was like, yeah. He's like, you came to support your friend. I was like, yeah. Like, we're regular, but Tom's in his room with a red light by himself. I went into two shorts room and got lit. I was like, why would you sit in Tom's room? He is such a Drip. He, like, just sits, like. And there's. And, like, he gets done the show. And he's like, well, would you like to get a steak maybe, or go to bed? You're like, I'm like, no, man, we're gonna get loose. And he's like, nah. Yeah, he had too short. I saw too short. I got freaked out. I called him Todd Shaw.

[Tom Segura]

Do you ever get. Do you ever get Tom to, like, truly bask in what he's done with his life? He just seems like a guy that is just, like. Like you said, doesn't give a. And just kind of move forward. Do you ever get him to sit there and be like, hey, look how much you've accomplished. Look how much you've done, and be like, oh, my God, that's so cool. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

You think he ever pinches himself being like, I can't believe this. We're getting to do this stuff?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, if it all went away, he wouldn't give a. Like, he doesn't. Like, he doesn't. None of it. His. Tom is very disconnected from his ego. Like, he doesn't. Standing ovation doesn't mean anything to him. It doesn't affect him the way it affects me. If I get a standing ovation, sometimes I'll cry. I'll get emotional. I'll be like. Because I feel it. I feel it, like. Like, look at him. He's just like, this. Head down, like this. Like, don't, please. You know, that's. He looks like he's getting arrested. They're on their feet and cheering on.

[Tom Segura]

The words you said, which is the craziest thing about being a comic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you just said words in a way that made people go, that's. That's funny. Yeah. And people like it so much that they're standing up and clapping for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And his effect and burrs this way a little bit. Like, they're both like, the. The praise and the adulation, maybe. I don't know. I. I don't know. I don't know if they. If they find it gross, you know, to. To bask in it or. And I don't know. They. They're very similar men where they're just like, yeah, thank you, and they just walk off, dude. I. I mean, like, there was a period of time where I could get a standing ovation if I wanted one. Like, I. I knew how to do it. Like, I would. I'd be like, thank you, and then turn my back and go, three, two, one. Oh, here we go.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, there's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did it to Ari one time, and I've never seen Ari lose his mind more. I told him, like, you or. He's like, I've never had a standing ovation. I said, you can get one if you want one. He's like, what? And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll show you this if I want one, I can show you how I do it. I just. What I do is I go, thank you. And then I go to get my shirt. And as I grab my shirt, I turn around, and then you see one person. Oh, no. Thank you so much. And then another. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, guys, please don't. Please don't. And then everyone stands up, and Ari was like, are you kidding me? And I was like, yeah, yeah. But like, guys like Tom and Ari and Joe, they would never think about that. But I don't know. I'm broken. I'm broken. Like, broken, Dude. If you give me a standing ovation, I will get emotional. I love it. It's awesome. I love when people say, hey, man, I love your podcast, or I love you. It means something to me. I go, thank you. You know, so, yeah, I've cried so much on podcasts.

[Tom Segura]

The one.

[Drew Franklin]

The ugly cry, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

All my cries are ugly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Which one's that one?

[Tom Segura]

Love how it's just subtitles. Balling.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chris. Chris Stephano.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I cried at the. Hold on. This is not fair. Everyone should cry at the end of. Of Mice and Men bawling. I get to feed the rabbits. This was Tom saying. He was like. I was like, Lenny. And he was like, george. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think I've seen this movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you kidding me?

[Tom Segura]

What's the movie called?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of Mice and Men?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do I get to feed the rabbits? George? I've never seen Can I feed the rabbits? Don't tell me like it's going to be. Tell me like it's going to be with the alfalfa. You've never seen it?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you. We had to read the book. Oh, my God. And then we. This is not. We were breaking down. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin, and this is NFL Cover Zero. We think NFL Coverage should be informative and entertaining and twice a week. That is exactly what you're going to get. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game. What was that? Looks like something that should not be sold.

[Matt Jones]

Oh my.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that was my other big Colts takeaway.

[Matt Jones]

They sold that?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Might want to go back to the Colts stadium. Yeah, I might want to go back to the drawing board on that.

[Matt Jones]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought the shape we had with pretzels was working pretty well. It's worked for generations.

[Matt Jones]

We're just here trying to enjoy it. We hope you all will join us throughout the year. And let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope I'm as youthful as Pete.

[Matt Jones]

Carroll is at his age. He's a young 73. He is a young 73. He is spry.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't fight him.

[Matt Jones]

I would listen NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan, he's Ty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the Solid Verbal College football podcast.

[Ty]

College football season is here and you know what that means.

[Dan]

Your team is going to break your heart three times probably before Halloween.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Ty]

But fear not, the Solid Verbal will be right there with you through every soul crushing loss and impossible comeback.

[Dan]

Join us all season long, all year long, as we ride the rollercoaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Whether you're a diehard fan or a casual observer, we'll help you make sense of all the chaos and of course celebrate the madness. Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else and all the emotional support you need as a college football fan.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Tyler, we live it.

[Ty]

Listen to the Solid Verbal college football podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mentally disabled.

[Tom Segura]

The one of you and the Stefano when the Stefano starts crying about him not being around his kid and stuff like that. I mean obviously having a kid and traveling as much as I do just hit different than watching everyone at that point in time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. So I get, I'll get, I'll get on sometimes when I get emotional and, and like people just enough I'm tired of it but like there's certain look that's my, my cancel thing is like I over share about like you have a video I. I got emotional on A video you had about telling your daughter you loved her when you dropped her off school. I think I texted you right, right after that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look, you can. You can take it or leave it. I don't give a. I'm gonna be 100 of me, 100 of the time. And if I get emotional in moments like this, I don't give a. If you go unfollowed. This isn't what I signed up for. Why aren't you being funny? I don't give a. I don't give a. I really, genuinely don't give a. Yeah, but this moment, it's so hard, man. It's so hard to leave your kids. And you know what's crazy about this generation? Like, Stefano is younger than me. He's very cognizant of it. Like, we weren't cognizant. We just. I just did what I had to do. Like, I just. I went on the road. Georgia was born. We induced labor because I had to work. That's like. That's to. That. That's how we started her life. We brought her in three days early so I could work with David Tell. And so I went on the road. Her. For her. For the first year of her life, I was on the road every single weekend. I never option. I never choice. We were poor. Like, that's. If. I don't know. Didn't have any money. Like, I made 700 a weekend. I had to pay for my flights and my hotel. We had no money, but I had to do that in order to have a little money. And Leanne had a job. Leanne worked, you know, 40 hours a week. And. And. And I worked every. I leveraged these children's childhood for work. I worked. And. And if we did stuff like this, this was a family vacation. I definitely put it online because I needed to sell tickets the next week in Omaha, you know, and so I did all that, and I told every story about their life on stage because I just didn't know any better. Look, if I had the hindsight to go back and do it different, I would definitely do it differently. Like, if I could do what the Stefano did and take some time off and be with my family. Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

He's got a unique. He's got a unique rule. We had him on the show over a year ago now, where he said, I won't leave. I'll, like, stay in this region. I won't leave for more than, like, 24 hours at a time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Time. It's great, man. It's. It's like, listen, what it. You know, but you.

[Tom Segura]

Your wife had a. Your wife had a. A story. I don't know where it was, like, what show was on, whether it was hers, yours, or just a post on Instagram. But she tells a story about when you guys were broke, the way you said you were, and you were like, had like a 40 in your hand and a bag, and you were skateboarding home. And she's like, that's. Don't ever lose that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'll. I'll tell you the. The. God, I miss that sweatshirt shirt.

[Tom Segura]

You better say something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that sweatshirt. That's a great sweatshirt.

[Tom Segura]

That's a nice one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's heavy. It's heavy. I was. I had. I've had many careers within my career. Like, when I was 26, I got picked by Will Smith to do the development deal, Six figures. Got a TV show right after that. And I remember being on Franklin and Vine, and it was right when the. When the seasons are changing in la, which is really kind of cool. It's cold, but not cold, but very windy, really windy. And I was in an expedition. Eddie Bauer expedition. I had more money than I ever thought I'd make. I was in a Jason Williams jersey. I was listening to Ja Rule, the one he did with Ashante, you know, And I was on the corner. I was going to work, and I was like, oh, man. I thought I'd be happier. Like, I thought life would be. Like, I got everything I wanted, like, every. I got it all. I thought I'd be happier. I was like, it just doesn't. The sparkle isn't there. I was like, it's nice, but I don't know. So then cut to, probably four or five years later, I'm married to Leanne. We have Georgia and Isla. We're broke. We're piss broke. I mean, honestly, I remember Daniel Tosh coming over to. To pick me up. We're gonna go play poker.

[Drew Franklin]

What a legend.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he. And I said, I needed a hundred dollars from Leanne. And she said, we don't have it. And I said, no, just give me the. Give me $100. She goes, no, we don't have $100. I said, Babe, I'm not gonna lose it. Just give me 100 bucks. She goes, honey, we don't have. I can't find $100 to give you. And Daniel Tosh is like, I'll give you a hundred dollars to end this conversation. We were broke, right? And she sent me to Rouse to go get milk for the girls. And I skateboarded to Rouse. And I, with whatever money she had given me, I bought myself a 40 of fosters like a big oil can. And I was skating home listening to Modest Mouse. And I was just skateboarding and I was. And I literally said to myself, in that moment, I was on Detroit Street. I went this, I'm happy as fuck right now. Like, I am really happy. And she was watching me from the balcony and she, as I got up there, she goes, don't ever lose that boy, that guy that just killing a 40, just skateboarding, just hat smiling ear to ear. And I said, I swear to God. And I'm, I'm, I mean, I'm, I'm, you know, I talk in hyperbole, but like every day I get with that chick is like that. It's like fun as man. I never thought that chick would be the one to give me all that. Like, I thought she'd have to have way bigger tits, bronze skin, blonde hair, six feet. Like, I thought that was the chick. But this little redneck midget, this little barefoot just, I just, it's like crazy that the chick, you know, and. Yeah, but I'm the happiest guy in the world. I got everything I ever wanted in life, ever wanted. And no one's telling me to quit drinking. That's the best.

[Tom Segura]

She's never once said to you, hey, listen.

[Bert Kreischer]

She says, yeah, she's, she's told me, reel it in, big boy. Yeah, a couple times.

[Tom Segura]

What a, what a beautiful one. From the start.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I reeled in. Really did. I like, look, I like, I, I, I like, I like to have a good time. And it's like, we're not, Tomorrow's not guaranteed for anybody. So what the are we doing?

[Tom Segura]

Well, according, according to you, it is guaranteed.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't believe I'll be here tomorrow?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you'll be here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't tell you. I think I'm losing my mind. You know, this is the last podcast I'm going to do for like a year.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, what's going on? Tell, tell us what's in the works with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm done. I think I'm, I think I'm taking a year off of the road, and I want to think more before I talk. I, I, you know, you ever get like, to the place where you're talking so much you're not putting thought into anything? Every day. Yeah, right. I've been podcasting straight every week straight for like 15 years, which is crazy. And I think this, I think it gets Convoluted with stand up. And I think it's. I don't know if it's made my stand up better. I think earlier on it did, but when I did this special, I was like, I just shot. I just shot it in. In Florida recently. Comes out soon. I can't say yet, but I was like, this is the. This is the best one I've done. And I was like. And I. I can't. I can't think to do an. I got to do another one. I have another one due in like a year or two. I was like, I need to take time off and, like, live a life like, I need to live on. My girls are both in college. I don't have them to write about anymore. That was just such a fucking well to go to. Was. Those fucking idiots were so funny. They were so fucking funny. And. And I was like, I need to take time off. I need to stop. And then. And I started thinking about podcasting. I was like, you know, I go on so many podcasts, and it's weird with comic. It's like, if I say something funny, sometimes I'll say, hey, can you take that out? I'm gonna put it on stage. And then I was like, I should take all my funny thoughts and really start writing them down. So I've been. I've never done this before, but I'm like, anytime I have a good thought, I write it down and I try to explore it and write it out. I just would work it out on stage. So I'm like. I was laying in bed today. I was like, I'm doing this podcast. I think this is the last one I'm gonna do for a year. And I was like, I don't think I'm gonna do anyone else's podcast. Like, not even Rogan's, you know, what about your own? I. I was. I gotta be honest with you. I was toying with the idea of getting rid of mine.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was toying with getting rid of everything and just the Burt cast, everything. But I. Here's the problem is I love. Like, I love Two Bears. Two Bears is. I'll do that for the rest of my life. I love it. It's very light lift. Because of who I do it with. Bert cast sometimes can be a pain in the ass. And then sometimes it's just a gift. Like, I sat with Juvenile the other day. Like, I fucking was obsessed with Juvenile. And then I sat and me, him and Manny fresh smoked weed and drank vodka, and I fucking laughed forever. Forever and Then. And then I got to do it with. With Maynard Keenan. Maynard James Keenan, the lead singer Tool. It's a gift. I'm not. I'm not going to get opportunities like that unless I have that podcast. So that's the only reason I don't want to get rid of it is just. It's selfish, is that I. I mean, yes, I make money from it, but it. It's selfishly I get to sit with these people that I idolize because, like, Jimmy Kimmel comes over, Judd Apatow, and I get to pick their brains.

[Tom Segura]

It.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the only reason I wouldn't get rid of it, but I would. I do think there's something to be said when. When I look at, like. When I look at, like. Like Stavi and. And destefano and that generation of comics, those are guys that are cool with walking away from everything. I. I know I'm. I'm. God, I love that guy. But, like, I, you know, I. I wish I had the balls to do more of that, but I don't. I feel like, you know, I, like. So, yeah, so I'm not gonna do other people's podcasts for a year, and I'm not gonna do stand up for a year and take some, like, big trips and go. We've been seeing a lot of shows lately. Like, going to do. See music. I'm thinking about staying here an extra day and going to see Goose. Have you ever seen Goose?

[Tom Segura]

Not even heard of Goose.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. It's my favorite band. They're in Nashville during Thursday. I might. I might stay in town. If I stay in town, I'm bringing you guys to Goose. It's insane.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I'm seeing music, and then. Yeah, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds like a little stoicism in your life. The ability to say, no, no, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T believe in that.

[Drew Franklin]

Stepping out of the light.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, he's. He's cool as, too. He hit me up. He hit me up and he was like, you know, he said, I wish I could call him because, you know, he backed me up privately.

[Drew Franklin]

In what way?

[Tom Segura]

Who's this, Holiday?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Ryan Holiday.

[Tom Segura]

Holiday backed you up on saying I don't believe.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he said, I know what you're trying to say.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, I know what you're. That's a big difference because I understand what you're trying to say. He was like, right? There's wallflower stoics that don't really believe in it, but they quote it like it's he goes, I know what you were trying to say, but he goes, here, can I send you some books? And I was like, please. I think Ron, Ryan Holiday is a.

[Tom Segura]

Badass to have him on the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

But here's, here's the other thing is, if you're a comic, why not. Why not challenge everything? Like, immediately I go, stoicism. Everyone's fucking every second. Everyone believes in it. Come on. The second everyone.

[Drew Franklin]

But everybody doesn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, not me. Ryan Holiday is a cool. I wanna. I wanna read exactly what he said. But you know what's so funny is.

[Drew Franklin]

We'D love to have you on too, Brian, if you happen to be watching. Yes, I got, I got.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna. I'll wrap this up soon. I know, you guys, we probably should leave, but that we got invited to a party and it's the craziest party I've ever been to. Everyone's there, did his house. No air. At whose?

[Tom Segura]

Diddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Diddy. No, no. By the way, do you think you would have. Do you think when we talk about the coward in us as close, right? Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you could have gone to Diddy's party and not been a part of it?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, absolutely. Do you. Were you ever invited to a Diddy party?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, Never. No. But I've always. I've done, I've done. I've got. I've gone out to eat with men that I thought were gay. Like, like, like every guy that ever in Hollywood I thought wanted to me. Everyone. Elliott Gould, I thought he wanted to me. He was like, let me give you my number. We'll go out to dinner sometime. And I was like, cool, he wants to me. But I always expected anyone would. Will Smith, you know, the. I thought Will Smith wanted to me in the ass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you ever heard that story? No, no again. Is this legit? Swear to God. So Will Smith, I'm 26, one of his boys sees me do stand up. Like, yo, I would like you. Can I, you know, maybe do a deal? I said, great. So like, let me introduce you. So I go to the Hit factory I think is where he was recording his album Millennium. And I meet him in a dance studio. It's a dance studio, like two folding chairs. And we sit and we talk. And I'm like, dude, I love hip hop. I love. You know, I'm like trying to sell him because I want to do a deal with him. And I'm like, I love black guys. You're black. Like, I'm. You Know just everything.

[Tom Segura]

Hell of a selling point, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Juvie was big then. So I was like, talking about Juvenile and Manny Fresh and everything. And so he's like, cool, man. He was like. He's like, what are you doing tonight? I was like, nothing. He's like, let's go to the movies. I was like, okay. So I. I leave. I remember calling my dad and he was like, how'd it go? I said, good, we're going to the movies. My dad's like, on a date? I go, no. He's like, what do you mean you're going to the movies with him? I go, I don't know. He said he wanted to go to the movies, and so we're going to the movies. My dad's like, oh, buddy, I'm sorry. I was like, what? And he goes, this is. They call the casting couch in Hollywood. These men, they're so tired of. Of having sex with women that the only thing that really turns them on is to young guys and to turn them out, it's called the casting couch. I was like, dad, that's impossible. He goes, what's more possible? The fact that you're so talented that within doing stand up for six months, the biggest movie star in the world wants to do a TV show about you? Or that he's tired of pussy and he wants to you. I was like, oh, my God, I'm getting. And he goes. I go, what do I do? And he goes, no, I'm just like. Like, I'm giving you a heads up. Like, go.

[Tom Segura]

But you know, your dad's like, essentially, you're gonna get. You're gonna catch hands, and that's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He's like, just, I'm giving you a heads up. That's why he's bringing you there. But, you know, I just don't want my only son going in not knowing what he's ready for. So I go, we're supposed to do it at Planet Hollywood, which is. It even still sounds weird to see a movie at Planet Hollywood. I go in, I'm like, is Will Smith here? And they're like, no, movie stars don't hang out here. So I'm sitting in the lobby going, like, what the. And then this dude, probably six, seven, comes out of a corner. His name's Charlie Mack. And he goes, you Burt? And I was like, yeah. And he goes downstairs. I was like, I'm gonna have to. This guy too. Like, he's six seven. I. I know who Charlie Mack is, too. It's got a song about him. I got stairs. There's 10 black dudes sitting in a room, like, probably a little bit bigger than this bus with a curtain and a folding table in the center. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna. These ten black guys. Charlie Mack. I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. Plus, that's 13 dudes I'm gonna have to tonight. I'm like, this is getting. Scenario is getting worse. Will Smith comes in with. I swear to God, Jazzy Jeff. I swear to God. He walks in with Jazzy Jeff and he's like. He's like, guys, this is the guy. And everyone looks at me and they're like, yeah. And they're like, this is Bert. I was like, oh, my God. This is how it goes down.

[Drew Franklin]

And then you're probably thinking, there's no way I can get away from these guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, just.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the door's locked.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's down the flight of stairs. It's down flight of stairs in a small room, red curtains all around it. Folding table in the center. I'm like, it's going down right now. Curtains open up to reveal a private movie theater. And me and 10, 13 black dudes watch American Pie. I sat next to Will the whole time. Me, him, and Jazzy Jeff laughed hysterically. And at the end of the movie, I go. He was like, hey, what did you think? And I was like, what do you mean, what did I think? I said, it was a good movie. He was. No, about the room. Like, what do you mean? He's like, the guys. I was like, I don't know. They're. They're black dudes. And he goes, no, you said you were a hip hop fan. He's like, that's Biz Marquis. That's cool, Modi. That's Big Daddy Kane. He's like, I brought all the legends so you could meet them. And I was like, I could have Kumo D. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I.

[Drew Franklin]

So how did that end?

[Bert Kreischer]

That was it. I did a deal with him. I saw his dick, like, a week later at abc. It's a hog.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Good for him, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was pissing next to me. He's. We went into ABC to sell a sitcom, Jimmy Tarsus, I think, who's passed away. She was running ABC at the time, and I had to piss really bad. I went into the bathroom, take a piss, and Will goes, I'm gonna come with you. I gotta piss, too. And he sat right next to me, stood right next to me, started pissing. And his. You know how you can hear someone stream and know their dick. His was like a fire hose, just. You heard German shepherds barking like it was wild. And he gave me the keys to the business. He was like, this is how, this is everything you need to know in Hollywood. This is the short. And I couldn't hear any of it because I had to piss. I just, I couldn't piss. I was gun shy. And I just sat there trying to piss, trying to piss, trying to piss. And he was done. And then he walked over and all I heard him say right as I started to piss, he goes, just be yourself. That's all I heard out of the whole thing. Yeah, he was. I liked Will. I had a great time with him.

[Drew Franklin]

But you had me on the edge of my seat thinking, so was about to go down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I thought this was gonna be the podcast you told.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. I thought Ellie G wanted to me too. And he just took me to dinner.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So it sounds like everybody in LA is actually nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone in LA is really good. Yeah. Not a lot of pedophiles. I haven't met a pedophile that you know of.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, not yet.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Drew Franklin]

Like these lists have come out.

[Tom Segura]

Did you ever meet him, talk to him?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. So wait, what are they saying he did? Because I, I'm, I, I, I, I definitely would have gotten into a sex party.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, those things. Pedophilia, little sex rings.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pedophilia.

[Drew Franklin]

Have you been, have you heard, have you heard the, the audios that have came out?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Drew Franklin]

Apparently of him, like, dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Hard grunting.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And this is all allegedly. We don't want to get sued.

[Drew Franklin]

Allegedly.

[Bert Kreischer]

50 Cent. 50. You ever see the clip of 50 Cents?

[Drew Franklin]

It was a bad bunny or something like that.

[Tom Segura]

You see the, the comment 50 Cent put on P. Diddy's when he was riding a bicycle?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

So he comments on the. It's a p. Did. He's on a bicycle, he's smiling. He goes. 50 Cent goes. The only reason why P did he's smiling is there's no seat on that bicycle. Like he apparently 50 cents. Known about it for a while.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you ever see the clip on Champs?

[Drew Franklin]

Put it like this. It's very dark. It's very bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

P. Diddy said the 50 Cent. You gotta, you gotta find the clip. It's one of the hardest I've ever laughed. P. Diddy was like, yo, man to 50s, like, you want to hang out? I'll take you shopping. You don't have to buy anything. I'll pay for it.

[Drew Franklin]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

50 cents.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what the Are we talking about here, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you. You guys got to do Drink Champs? Have you ever. You ever watched Drink Champs?

[Tom Segura]

No. What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, shut the up, dude. It is amazing.

[Tom Segura]

What's Drink Champs?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's out of Miami. Is Nori and DJ effing, and they. You just drink with them and they talk. It's such a great interview. But if you're into hip hop, the interviews they have are fucking insane. DMX interviews are the best interviews on here. The DMX ones are insane. I did it because I'm a huge. I'm a huge hip hop fan. I'm friends with Nori. Nori's. Nori's a badass. He gets after it, and he's, like, running a ton right now. Him. We were gonna have him hopefully come out and do maybe next 5k. We do, but he's like, they're awesome, dude. Drink Champs is awesome. But their interviews are wild.

[Drew Franklin]

I would be down right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Diddy one.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know anything about hip hop at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

At all.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm. I'm like, Blink 182, Good Charlotte, some 41 guy. I'm a late 90s, early 2000s stuff there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not these ones today, but the ones.

[Tom Segura]

I usually wear every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

About country music.

[Tom Segura]

Love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Red clay strays.

[Tom Segura]

Love them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Marcus King.

[Tom Segura]

Marcus King.

[Drew Franklin]

Marcus King band. Yes, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Pull one of their songs up.

[Drew Franklin]

Goodbye Carolina.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Delilah. Marcus King's new album, Delilah. That song, Marcus King, you would love it.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did a crazy interview with Marcus that I got a lot of for.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, why?

[Bert Kreischer]

He. I understand it. Like, I know I'm. I joke about alcoholism. You know, I joke about it.

[Tom Segura]

You don't believe in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. Here's the deal. If you have an eating disorder, they don't tell you, don't worry, no food for you for the rest of your life. You have to figure out a way to manage it.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that we can do the same. Anyway, here's my point. So Marcus comes over to my house. I apologize, Marcus, if I'm over sharing. But he comes over, and I wasn't drinking at the time. I was just on one of those benders where I wasn't drinking. And he comes over and he was like. I was like, hey, what's up? He's like, I had a rough night last night. I said, okay, can I get you something. I got every soda you could ever imagine. He goes, I fell off the wagon last night. And I said, okay. I said, how long? He's like, a couple years, I think. I was like. I said, well, what are you looking for? And he said, I'm looking for something to maybe get me through the day. I was like, yeah, I'm in there. I'll do it with you. Like, I'm. I'll. If you're having a moment, I'll have a moment with you. I don't give a fuck. So we did a very drunken podcast where he had fallen off the wagon.

[Tom Segura]

And this is the guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Marcus.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. Yes, I have seen this guy before. Extremely talented.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. I would argue he's a prodigy. I mean, he's fucking the best. You know, guy likes to get loose every now and then. And right now he's sober. I think he's sober right now. But the day he come over, came over, he fell off the wagon. And I just wasn't. I'm not the guy that's going to go, hey, man, I don't know. I'm not that guy. I'm the guy that goes, yeah, I'll drink with you. So we got hammered. We talked about him falling off the wagon. We talked about his wife wasn't talking to him at the time because he had fallen off the wagon. And so many people have so many fucking opinions of how they should have. How I should have dealt with that. And I was like, no, man, I'm your friend. If something goes down, I'm just going to stand next to you and not ask questions. I'm not going to make it a more difficult day for you. I'm going to be your boy. And so we've. We've stayed. We've stayed close. He came out, he ended up doing fully loaded with us. Sober, sober, didn't drink. We did Flor Bama. We went out to the Florida Bama bar, got on stage together. I was fucking lit. But he didn't drink. He was being healthy. I love that guy to death, man.

[Drew Franklin]

He's a legend, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is incredible.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta listen to some of his music. I've seen some of his clips, but I have not dove into his music just yet. Do we want to hit a twisted.

[Drew Franklin]

Question before I let Mr. Yeah, I'm so sorry. My bladder's so small. I have to pee.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go pee.

[Tom Segura]

Third pee. How long has this podcast been going on? Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, nothing, guys.

[Tom Segura]

This is one of the shorter ones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I got another hour in me. Get me another twisted tea. There you go. Get him a tweet.

[Tom Segura]

Get him a tweet right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now what do you really start breaking down things?

[Tom Segura]

So you texted us about possibly doing some hurricane relief, and then you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm doing in Tampa instead.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it was the. I don't. I don't want to. On the relief people that, you know, the different ones. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, sure. Grab me a water, too, please. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I was going to do one tonight at the Ryman, and. And I, I. I'm just going anyway. I'm just going.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. And just doing stuff there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm doing. I'm doing. I'm doing stuff. You know, it's. It gets really tricky. What the tall boy. Oh, my God. It gets really tricky giving money. I've gotten a number of times.

[Tom Segura]

It's tough to give money, especially when you don't know where it's going.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So I'll tell you that this. And I. I mean, I wish it wasn't so, like, I did something for the Bucks, right? The Bucks were trying to build a house for Habitat for Humanity. They needed, like, a hundred thousand dollars. I've met Doug Williams, right? Epic quarterback for the Bucks. I'm with Doug Williams. I do a video. I go, all we're asking is for $2.46. I'm Bert Kreisler. I'm donating $2,046. I'm with Doug Williams. Just put it in $2. And I get destroyed online. I'm oblivious to it because I'm not reading comments. Tommy comes to me and he's like, dude, you look like a fucking ass. You're asking everyone to donate $2. You donated 2,000. He's like, you. The comment online is, bert, you could have just bought the house yourself. I was like, but that's not how charity works. It's like we group fund things.

[Tom Segura]

Right? Right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I ended up buying a house. I had to buy a house out of guilt. $100,000. I bought a fucking house for Habitat for Humanity. Tom bought a house, too. We both bought houses. And so I'm like. I'm like, I'm never going to fucking help anyone again. Because it comes back to me. Yeah. And then it's like. It's like. I was like. I was like, also, $2,000 is, like, a solid. Why can't you just donate $2,000? So. So then I learned you just. You cannot try to get credit for helping people. No, you got to do it silently.

[Tom Segura]

Right? So that's JP who's on the bus. He's big on that. Like, if you're gonna do something for somebody, you don't. You don't want to do it at all in the public eye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I did. I did. I'm the kind of guy that if I send. If I give you money for GoFundMe, like, I put my name on it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And I donate the most so that I'm at the top of the list just to win. Oh, yeah. I. I've dropped $10,000 a number of times into GoFundMes just to see my name above everyone else's.

[Drew Franklin]

Some of the GoFundMes out there, man. There's a. There's a buddy of mine who did a GoFundMe for surgery on his dog. That's where I draw the line.

[Tom Segura]

I believe I know this person, too. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Like that sir who was doing well.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's doing.

[Tom Segura]

He does well.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does.

[Drew Franklin]

Does well.

[Tom Segura]

It's not like he's just living in a cardboard box. He's like, my dog has to get brain surgery. Please help fund this.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, cancer, family emergency. Like, it's stuff like, obviously, but you're talking about surgery for a dog. Like, yeah, you gotta have a line somewhere.

[Tom Segura]

You know, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm done. I'm done trying to help. Because I go, I'll help you, and you'll never know about it. Like, I'm doing a show in Tampa, and I'm giving the proceeds to whatchamacallit. And then, obviously, we will donate money. It'll be silent. You won't know how much went right. But. But you just can't. You can't. Like, I was gonna try to do something here, and then. And all of a sudden, it just got so convoluted, and I was like, I'm out. I don't even want to be associated with it. Because second you say, I'd like to do something, all of a sudden, everyone just attacks you. I mean, the fires in Maui. Like, I was.

[Tom Segura]

I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tony, dude, look at my fucking phone. All it is is people venmoing me asking for a thousand dollars. It's. It's. And one chick's hot as. Dude, she's like a single mom. Look, I want you to see her. She is smoking Venmo. God damn it. Do you guys have. You guys have to wear readers yet?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, my eyes are so bad. I need to. I need to get on that train.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe a little lasik Justine Adams. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Looks like she's got a good personality.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Dog lover.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. She said, big fan. Super weird request. Just seeing if any celebrities are willing to help. Single mom trying to recover from Helene having a rough time. Never done anything like this before. Regardless, big fan. So then I'm such a lunatic. I was like, I wonder if she follows me on Instagram. She don't even follow me on Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm like, what the. I'm not gonna.

[Drew Franklin]

Big fan of yours.

[Tom Segura]

Don't me follow. Follow you. Yeah, big fan of yours. Yeah. Dude, the whole. See, here's a problem with what you just told me about the whole giving thing is if you're asking for two people to give $2.46 and you're gonna give $2,460 or whatever, it's like, okay, yeah, you could buy a house for Habitat for Humanity, but you're also giving. And in the. The gesture of just giving should be good enough to be like, wow, good for Bert to give, regardless if it's $1 or a million dollars. Like, giving and helping should be seen blanketly as great job.

[Bert Kreischer]

So here's the thing that. Okay, I'm being real right now, and I understand this is going to get pushed back.

[Tom Segura]

I've really enjoyed this episode, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, I'm having such a blast. I'm bummed that this is the last one I'll ever do.

[Drew Franklin]

And the reason you think. The reason you think, too. He's been on four times because the first time we had him on, we split it into two weeks.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Because remember, though, the first time.

[Tom Segura]

Three hours.

[Drew Franklin]

Like, three or four hours.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, this is such a great hat.

[Tom Segura]

And this. But this is also the first podcast of all the podcasts we've done, whether you're doing two Bears and at the super bowl with you and Tom or the first time you were on where this is like, the most casual of a conversation I think the three of us have had.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I.

[Tom Segura]

Very nice. It's very organic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I appreciate that. Thank you. I think. What were we just talking about?

[Tom Segura]

Giving. Giving back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so there's. Oh. I'm gonna tell you what drives me nuts. I know this is gonna sound.

[Drew Franklin]

You're gonna be honest.

[Tom Segura]

Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

It. So, like, okay, there's an organization. I'm not. But I. Oh, man. Like, I know I'm not going to talk about giving, but, like, okay, I give a load of money to this organization.

[Tom Segura]

Blm. No, that's what I was thinking, too. I was thinking the same thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's for. It's for trans drag queens to read books to kids in Florida anyway. No. Is that a real thing?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. People say it is real.

[Bert Kreischer]

If it is real, it's wild that they have drag queens reading books to fucking kindergartners. That can't be fucking real. It's like frogs are gay kind of thing. Yeah, it's like, shut the fuck up. Might as well. How great do you think it would be if you and your boys, you're like first graders and you're just learning how to make fun of gay people and then all of a sudden you're like, whoa, shut the fuck up. Imagine if you had. Okay, anyway, a couple of those drag.

[Tom Segura]

Queens pull it off, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, drag queens are awesome.

[Tom Segura]

I'm saying they pull it off. Like, you look at it and you're like, oh, she's kinda. And then they pull the wig off. You're like, oh, my God. I had no idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own. With a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin, and this is NFL Cover Zero. We think NFL coverage should be informative and entertaining and 20 twice a week. That is exactly what you're going to get. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game.

[Matt Jones]

What was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks like something that should not be sold.

[Matt Jones]

Oh, my.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that was my other big Colts takeaway.

[Matt Jones]

They sold that.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Might want to go back to the Colts stadium. Yeah. Might want to go back to the drawing board on that.

[Matt Jones]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought the shape we had with pretzels was working pretty well.

[Tom Segura]

It's worked for generations.

[Bert Kreischer]

We.

[Matt Jones]

We're just here trying to enjoy it. We hope you all will join us throughout the year. And let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope I'm as youthful as Pete.

[Matt Jones]

Carroll is at his age. He's a young 73. He is a young 73. He is spry, I would say.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't fight him. I would listen.

[Matt Jones]

NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan, he's Ty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the Solid Verbal College football podcast.

[Ty]

College football season is here. And you know what that means.

[Dan]

Your team is going to break your heart three times, probably before Halloween.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Ty]

But fear not, the Solid Verbal will be right there with you through every soul crushing loss and impossible comeback.

[Dan]

Join us. I'll see you season long, all year long, as we ride the roller coaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Whether you're a die hard fan or a casual observer, we'll help you make sense of all the chaos and of course, celebrate the madness. Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else, and all the emotional support you need as a college football fan.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Ty. We live this.

[Ty]

Listen to the Solid Verbal College football podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Yeah, pull up.

[Drew Franklin]

You don't know what to believe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Any Bert Chrysler drag queen like, bro, come on, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, you get caught, right? That's him.

[Drew Franklin]

You get caught slipping.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real. For real. Slipping. Hardcore.

[Tom Segura]

I would thank God we're all married now. Oh, because there's. There's different kind of bullets flying out there that would. I know, I'd get got.

[Bert Kreischer]

I couldn't. I wouldn't.

[Tom Segura]

I know Will's ass who get got, no question about it. Little horny boy out there, he wouldn't be able to sniff nothing out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I follow a trans woman who's in. A trans woman, right? Yeah. Trans woman who's in Nashville right now.

[Tom Segura]

Bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is so hot.

[Tom Segura]

I think we might. I don't know how many trans women are in the greater Nashville area, but my sex is second year in the league. I had a buddy who was a high school friend of mine and we were out at the bars and he was kissing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hang on. Are those girls or boys?

[Tom Segura]

You tell me.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, what's going on, Sherm?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's girls. That's girls. I'll tell you right now. All right, ready? I'm gonna put my dick on it. Those are girls. I put my dick in those mouths. Those are girls.

[Tom Segura]

Those are dudes.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are they?

[Drew Franklin]

Those would be trans women.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shut the up.

[Tom Segura]

Technically, girls, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

The next morning I'd have to go, technically, girls, right? The next morning I'd be like, don't worry, Bert. It was a girl. Technically.

[Tom Segura]

But there was a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are. Those were. Come on, man, this is not fair.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, Sherm, get out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're Hotter than.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but I had. I had a buddy. I had a buddy who we were at the bar, and he was making out with a girl, and a guy pulled me aside. He's like, you got to tell your friend, that is not a girl. That's not a girl. That's a. That's a. That's a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay, so what if. Okay, what if they said, what if Trump gets elected? And he's like, all right, new rules. Okay? You can legally. And no one can get upset, you can cheat on your girl if it's with a trans woman. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, what's the question?

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just kiss? Just. No, no, no. You're allowed to. And your wife can't say anything about it. She goes, no, no, no, no. That's the law. He made it the law. They're trans.

[Tom Segura]

So you want my wife to all of a sudden just, like, take all the laws into effect and be like, good. I agree with them all. They're just gonna say, yeah, you're right. Okay. Trump said it. That's how it's gonna go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fun. Because they look like girls.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's AI. That's AI.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. That's AI. Sure. Is that. Is that it?

[Drew Franklin]

Is that Sherm.

[Tom Segura]

Get this. Listen, I. I had two daughters at home. I need you to pull out of this first.

[Bert Kreischer]

Openly trans.

[Tom Segura]

You're not. I still see it on the screen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

That's better.

[Drew Franklin]

Do you want your tax dollars going towards sex changes in prisons, dude?

[Tom Segura]

Okay, we'll get to that. We'll get to that in a second. Yeah, quick answer, Blanket. It's like, one of Mitch's twisted questions. No. Well, do you want to answer the question?

[Drew Franklin]

Absolutely not.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, done. Dude, we were watching.

[Bert Kreischer]

How fun would it be if that was the law, though?

[Tom Segura]

For who? I just said no, my life wouldn't change a bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, we could, but we could just. And just make out with the trans. They're so hot. They're so hot.

[Drew Franklin]

I love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

They do. They do women better than my wife, and she was christened a woman.

[Tom Segura]

Listen, listen. I fully can agree with you that there are some trans women out there that make you go, damn. For real? Like, that's crazy.

[Drew Franklin]

I would support you like I support your alcoholism.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

It's not real. Yeah, it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't believe in Covid. I don't believe in. By the way, I've had Covid eight times.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, tell me you're from Florida without telling me you're from Florida. All the things that come out of Bird's fucking mouth today, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get this.

[Tom Segura]

Trump's elected third time, by the way. Congrats on the Trump way. And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, let's. Now let's pull up trans dudes. Can they do dude as well as those dudes can do woman?

[Tom Segura]

Well, we do have to go down. We. Because we know, to be fair.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not at all. Yeah, because it's so much easier to be a woman. That's not.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's a dude. That's a girl. That was a dude. That's a trans dude.

[Drew Franklin]

We gotta get out of this. We've got it. We've got to draw the line somewhere. This is like the Gofundme for your dog.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we gotta go, dude. So we were driving back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Time out, Time out.

[Drew Franklin]

He had the story about giving money to an organization. That's when we got off track.

[Bert Kreischer]

As soon as you said that, I remembered. I got out of. That's not. That was a born a black woman.

[Tom Segura]

No, she was white, too.

[Drew Franklin]

Hey, Sherm. I don't want to say it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, hold on. For real, for real, for real.

[Drew Franklin]

And I know this again, Sherm.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, we are muddying some waters out here. And literally, this is like two weeks after the Trump thing. People, they're exactly who we thought they were. We don't want. We don't fucking need this right now.

[Drew Franklin]

We got storytelling coming, and then you just pull up another one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, that's. They're hard not to. I mean, that's.

[Tom Segura]

Sherman's job is on the line for the rest of this episode.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

If you pull up another trans person on this podcast, no disrespect, we respect everybody who wants to be whoever they want to be. But just right now, can you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you identify as Asian? If you can identify as a woman, you should be able to identify as Asian, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think.

[Drew Franklin]

I'm sure. I forget what my 23andMe was. I think African Is everybody, Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

The best joke I ever heard about that. So I don't know who the guy is, and I just. I know he's an older dude, and he was a genius. I think he's a genius. Like, autistic genius. He said, I'm 99% Ashkenazi Jew and 1% sub Saharan African. And he goes. And I'll just tell you, I don't think it was a date.

[Drew Franklin]

Dude. Rogan has a good one, too, with the 23andMe on. Like, he. He brought up the whole. The montage of him saying The N word. And when he got canceled and everything else and he wrapped it into a 23andMe. It was hilarious. It was when we were in Vegas watching for real. We were watching Shane his stand up and Rogan came out to surprise everybody. We got to meet him.

[Tom Segura]

That was. That was tight.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys haven't done Rogan yet, Dog.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Drew Franklin]

No, we haven't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. If there's any. If there's one takeaway.

[Drew Franklin]

If there's one takeaway.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. Everyone on every fan of this podcast should just start. Just get in the comments. When are you gonna have boys on?

[Tom Segura]

That would be something, dude.

[Drew Franklin]

But we also hear if you press like, that makes it for your father removed.

[Bert Kreischer]

We've been told some bad ones. I've heard some bad ones.

[Tom Segura]

We've been told there's a. Like, like, like we're cool rules.

[Drew Franklin]

We met Joe.

[Tom Segura]

We met him. We did the gambling thing. He's told that story 10 times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

On his show.

[Drew Franklin]

Jamie loves college football. Jamie. We feel like we're.

[Tom Segura]

Every time he talks about. He mispronounces my name and talks about gambling with Dana White. I get all my friends from Cave Creek. They send me the video. Like, I listen, foot. We are toe in the door.

[Drew Franklin]

That is, if we were to be asked, we would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

If we were to be asked, we would check our schedule and then.

[Drew Franklin]

And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on. That's going to be the episode. You're right about that there. And I, as I said that every once again in the comments. Don't get in the comments. We did an episode. I. I think it stayed in the show where me and Ari talked to Joe about how we got people on his show because we. We always were. We always work behind the scenes to get people on.

[Drew Franklin]

And it would work.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Shane Gillis.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Shane.

[Bert Kreischer]

We talk. I. I think we talk about it. I mean, I know for a fact Theo was one where I was like. Because Theo wanted to get on. And I was like. I was like, it doesn't work that way. Like, like, I can't. I can't. If I push it, Joe. Joe won't like it.

[Drew Franklin]

Right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'll say yes because he'll go, yeah, of course. But like, I tried to do it with Warren Sapp, wanted to do it a long time ago. Long time ago. And I was like, yo, hey, Warren Sapp wants to get on your. Is that Fat Tom or Fat Shane? Holy.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that angle, the old angle, the old couch was really hard these days.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all. So I said. And So I was. Joe's like, I'll have Warren Sample. And he goes, I just don't know him. I don't know anything about him. So, like, you have to come on with him. And I was like, oh, that. I'm not. I'm not a great. I'm not a great go between. And so I remember saying with Theo, I was like, dude, when he sees you, he'll want you on. And that's when you want to be on, is when he's excited about you. And Gillis. Gillis was like, one. Ari and I would. We would send Gillian Keeves videos to our group thread. Like, dude, have you seen this? And then, like, all you're waiting for is Joe to reply. And then I'd be like, no. And then Ari would text me, send it again. And then I said it again, and this is awesome, dude. Shane Gillis is hysterical. And then Joe be like, who is this guy? And we're like, oh, he's the guy that got fired from SNL for that. And he's like, Joe's like, that's. I mean, it's. It's. It was like we talked about it on an episode. I can't remember if we shared all of it, but, yeah, it's. We did it with Nate Bargazzi. We've done it with a bunch of people.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, because. Because Joe's. You know, so many people come at Joe.

[Drew Franklin]

Of course. That's the one. Like, everyone's begging for him to sit down with the presidential candidates for Kamala and Trump. It sounds like they're gonna happen. Or the Trump one sounds like it's gonna happen.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I just don't. I don't know how it's gonna work out.

[Drew Franklin]

But, yeah, it's your point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

I mean, I've started on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've sat in the room with people who were like. Who are like, joe, hey, man, if you ever need a guest for your podcast. And I go, wow, you just got yourself never on the show. Yeah, you know, it's Joe's really. I think he'd be cool with me saying this. He's very comfortable with confrontation.

[Tom Segura]

Comfortable with confrontation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man.

[Drew Franklin]

I mean, there's receipts out there, even old videos, like Fear Factor. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, people that think, you know, hey, what's the saying? They say it never hurts to try. It does. It does. It totally does. Literally, completely does.

[Tom Segura]

So when we. When we met Joe, Shane was like, hey, Joe's gonna come in. Do not talk about the podcast. Do not bring up anything about the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're like, this is a little crazy. That, like, we have a way. It's like. It's like. It's like if they brought a chimp in and they were like, hey, man, don't look him right in the eyes. Yeah, he'll bite off your fingers, will bite your nose. Don't look them in the eyes. But it's right. It's. He. Don't talk about the podcast. Just be a regular person. Hang with him. Joe just wants to. Joe just doesn't want to feel like he's being leveraged. That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I feel like everybody wants to feel that way. If you are a person of celebrity status in any shape or form.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I just want to hang out. I'm always shocked at, like, people who hit up Joe for tickets to ufc. Like, I One time. One time, I was at. I was doing Madison Square Garden. UFC was in Madison Square Garden. I was doing the theater. Joe was in, doing the. The whatchamacallit. And I. That morning, I texted him, I said, dude, are you at ufc? And he said, yes. Do you need tickets? I said, that would be great. And immediately I regretted it. And I was like, man, I've never asked anything from that guy. Like, I've never said. And he is so goddamn generous. He sent me a treadmill one time. He sent me grills. He sent me stuff that you. He sees you talking about. He just goes, hey, man, I got you. And I regret it immediately. And I immediately said, hey, man, I don't need the tickets. I will buy tickets. I want to go. I'm gonna buy my own tick. But I'm always shocked at, like, people who are completely comfortable. I'm like, joe, can you hook me up for ufc? I'm like, why wouldn't you just be his friend?

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, just be his friend. You get your own fucking tickets.

[Tom Segura]

Let me ask you this, though. If you. If Joe was not Joe Rogan of, like, the stature he is, and he was just a regular friend, and you guys were in college and they had the ability to get tickets to something, would you not ask that person for tickets?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I still won't.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I don't. But I'm. I'm weird about. I'm weird about owing stuff to people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But I'm. I. I'm trying to put myself in a situation like. Like, if I was in whatever the podcast with, the process no longer exists. Busting with the boys. I'm in Lincoln, they're playing somebody, and I. I Would not feel uncomfortable at all about texting Will and be like, yo, hey, I'm here in town. Like, I know they're playing tonight. Do you have anybody to hook me up with some tickets?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I can't do that. So, like, I'm going to parents weekend.

[Drew Franklin]

And it'd be a no brainer.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going to parents weekend no matter what. But I do understand the. The discomfort of asking somebody for tickets.

[Bert Kreischer]

The second. Because the second. Here's. And this is gonna sound very broken. The second I ask you for something, I owe you something. I don't want to owe anyone anything.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like that only goes. I feel like that's like, there's, like, levels. Tears of friendship and like, you and Joe are great friends. Will and I are great friends.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna trump your celebrity for two seconds and tell you this is. This is the. Your future. Hey, man, we'd love for you to go to the. What's the minor league team here? It's a great team. Sounds. We love you. Good. It sounds. Oh, I love that. Hey, can we take care of you and your family? Absolutely. Cool. Hey, when you get there, we're gonna bring you down the field. Why don't you do some pictures? You're like, oh, all right, great. And then. And then on the seventh inning, we'll have you stand up. You're gonna sing for the whole group. Is that cool? I need some pictures of you. Can we get your wife out of them, though? The second you give them anything you owe them. It's a work day. Everything I've ever done where I've gotten like a privilege, I can't get into too great details. I don't want to fucking sound like an ungrateful asshole, but, like, hey, Bert, we'd love to have you this. All of a sudden, I'm being walked around like a fucking show pony for the entire time. And it's a work event. And if I want to go to ufc, if I want to go to the Bucks, if I want to go to something, I want to go. I don't want to have to work. I want to be able to party and not be responsible. I'll give you a perfect example. This is a perfect example.

[Drew Franklin]

I feel like you can. You can paint those boundaries before you go to it.

[Tom Segura]

And you're also talking about a company versus a friendship.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you another great example. I went to. I liked every year. I like to get a box at the Rams game for all my friends and family and bring them all to one Rams game. We did it last year, Thursday Night Football. It's me. I paid for the box. I paid for the box. I brought everyone, and I got a party bus. Everyone. My parents are there, my kids are there, all our friends and family. So it's awesome. That's. I think that's it. That's actually it.

[Tom Segura]

It's a beautiful time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Andrew Whitworth comes back, and he's like, hey, can you come on the show at the end? And I was like. I was like, yes, because I'm. I'm a big fan of Andrew Whitworth, so, you know, we were Rams family. He's the man, and he's the man. And it's Fitzpatrick, and they want me to just rip my shirt off. And around and I go, yes, absolutely. I want to. However, means I got to stop drinking, because I don't want to get. I don't want to go drunk on tv, you know, so it. Everything turns into a work event. I'm so grateful I did it. I had so much fun. And I didn't technically stop drinking. It was so awesome. It was such a great experience. But, like, when I go to something, I want to just go. And I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to deal with, like, the. Hey, can we get you to go up and do that? And you're like. Like, every baseball game we go to. We went to the Dodgers opening ceremony, opening day, and they were like, yeah, we can get you tickets. And my daughters were like, don't pay for them so we don't have to work. Because if you get the tickets for free, you're gonna go down. You're gonna say hi to everyone. They're gonna just. You're theirs. They own you for the day. So I don't want to.

[Drew Franklin]

I still think you can say no. Yeah, it's like, if we had that same. If. If you were like, hey, Comp, I'm in Lincoln. Like, I'm trying to go to a Husker game. Could you hook it up? And I would say, absolutely, absolutely. I want you to see a Husker atmosphere. I would. I would text, get the hookup going, and I would tell them. I would say, he just wants to go and see and watch the game. Not ask him to do anything. Like, I. I would almost do that for you. So I do feel like there's.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think you would say that without this conversation taking place.

[Drew Franklin]

If he told Me, he didn't want to do anything. Like, no, no extra with it. I would absolutely say that.

[Tom Segura]

But the blanket, the. The. The person, the basic text that's like, hey, man, I would love to go to watch a Nebraska football game. You would just take that, send it to whoever and be like, hey, Bert, Bert Kreischer is looking for a couple tickets. You guys mind hooking them up? Well, that's. Without any context of this conversation.

[Bert Kreischer]

The person that got you the tickets that you had to go through, they did something, they're going to want something. It's. I'm. I've been to too many of these things where they go, well, you think it's all for free, and then all of a sudden, you're working the entire day. So that's why I think it's different with sports.

[Tom Segura]

If we were to go to a.

[Drew Franklin]

Titans game and say, like, hey, you know, so. And so we don't want to do X, Y, Y and Z. Like, we just want to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I'll tell you. I'll give you a perfect example.

[Tom Segura]

That's a perfect example. I took my. It was a Packers game. I took my kids and my wife. Not. That was this year. To my kids and my wife. And I texted Nate Bane, the social media guy, and I was like, hey, want to take my kids to a game? My daughter's been talking about it. Would love to go. And he's like, oh, yeah, no problem. I said, hey, one more thing. I don't want to be on the big screen. I don't want to chug the beer. I don't want to do any of that. I just want to watch the game. And he's like, no problem. Them went watch the game left, but I did the beer chug last year. I'm talking about this season, the 2024.

[Bert Kreischer]

The big screen gives me so much anxiety. Like, I went to the Knicks and then the Rangers. It's like the first experience I have where they gave you tickets and, like, you know, they're gonna put you on the big screen. I thought it was a gift that you get to be on the big screen. It is. But what I didn't realize is the whole game, I'm nervous going, like, when are they coming to me? When they come to me, I hope I can do it. Well, should I take my hat off and then take the shirt off and. And like. And then. Then we went to the Rangers. They're like, yo, kill a beer, but you can't take your shirt off. And I was like, like, The Yankees game. God damn it. I was fucking fat.

[Tom Segura]

That's you on the left. Wow, bro, you look so different. You don't look like the same human being.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy. Can I tell you what's crazy about that picture is I had gotten wardrobe for the Today show, and on the flight, I put it on the next day, and it didn't fit. I gained weight on the flight. God damn it. I am fat as I look.

[Tom Segura]

Asian past tense. You don't look great like that right now. You look anything like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in the best shape of my life, Pete. You look the same.

[Drew Franklin]

Consistent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you said the Yankees game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yankees game. They go, hey, we got great seats for you. Everything's free. And you're like, oh, cool. And they're like. Like, real quick. Can you come back and do that? And you're like.

[Drew Franklin]

But you didn't. When you agreed to the ticket, you didn't set the set paint the expectation.

[Tom Segura]

You got to set it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got. I. I, like, I do feel what.

[Drew Franklin]

You'Re saying, but I do. I also, at the end, in the same breath, feel like you can go and do these things by being, like, up front at the very beginning.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But there is. So add a layer to it. Asking.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would never ask Joe for anything. I would never. I will never. As long as he. He. He offered his friendship one night.

[Drew Franklin]

Who's this? Who are we talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

Rogan.

[Drew Franklin]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He said. He goes. He goes, I want to be your friend. I'm trying to be your friend. And at that moment, I realized I can't ever ask this man of anything other than just friendship and just advice. I talked to him. Only reason I ever call him bullshit about comedy, bullshit about, like, gossip, or just ask his advice about life. I mean, he's giving me the best.

[Tom Segura]

Advice, and he said to you, I'm trying to be your friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think you've actually heard.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure you've heard me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Yeah. I definitely heard your truth.

[Bert Kreischer]

I only have, like, five stories. I tell them all over again.

[Tom Segura]

The. The. The discomfort of asking, which you've already said you don't do, but, like, asking someone you're kind of friends with, you know, well, you would consider a friend for something is much more difficult to me than asking someone who you consider a very. Like, a great friend. So Riley Green. Love Riley Green. Awesome guy. Would I say that we're best friends? No. But I would consider us friends enough for me to text and call him and feel comfortable doing both of those things. My Head football coach at my senior year of high school. He is now at asu, and Riley Green was playing a concert. My head football coach text me is like, can you please ask Riley Green for tickets? Or I want to meet him. Blah, blah, blah. I love that coach. But that was a ma. Like, so uncomfortable sending that text to Riley to where it was like. Instead of just asking for it, it was this long of a text being like, I know this. You could tell me to fuck off. I am so sorry. Blah, blah, blah. Hits me back. No problems, like, absolutely. But those are the situations to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where I'm like, amazing. You said that.

[Tom Segura]

Very uncomfortable.

[Drew Franklin]

The same way with the high school buddy in St. Louis. But I knew, you know, Jelly Roll. And he was. He was. He had the night of their life.

[Tom Segura]

But guys like Jelly Roll, you think I would. I think to myself, like, jelly is so nice and so kind and loves everybody. You.

[Bert Kreischer]

You.

[Tom Segura]

There's a feeling of, like, I don't want to take advantage of this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I know he's gonna do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? Right? Oh, I. I've asked Jelly to. To bring people backstage for his shows. I've done that.

[Tom Segura]

But you're there.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. A great comedian, Steve Trevino, hit me up. He's like, dude, Jelly's in town. My son's the biggest fan. Can you get me backstage? I went, absolutely. And I don't think I reached out to Steve's. Amazing. And I don't think I reached out to Jelly, but I had my team reach out, and they're like, yo, Jelly's sick. He's not doing meet and greets. And I was like, oh. I felt bad. I was like, sorry, buddy. Make it happen.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I told you we were friends. We're not really that close, I guess. No, but I would. I would. The crazy thing is I want you to ask me to come backstage. Like, I want you to. If I'm in your town, I want you to leverage my. Your friendship to get your friends backstage. I love that. I love when people come backstage. Our backstage in Tampa was so fucking thick. I mean, you know, I grew up in Tampa, but the Tampa was, like, first and foremost, it's. It's. It's. Derek Brooks is, like, runs up town. Derek Brooks is the legend, man. It's the only time my dad's ever been legit. Outwardly proud of me is Derek Brooks comes backstage, just did Amelie. The amelie. It's the 19,000 people. It's fucking crazy. It's the big. One of the biggest shows I've Ever done. Derek Brooks comes backstage with me and he's talking to me and my dad, and he says to my dad, can you believe his career? And my dad goes to me in front of him, this is Derek Brooks. And I went, yeah. My dad goes, buddy, does he know who you are? And I went, yeah, dad, it's all. And Derek Brook goes, I absolutely know who he is. And Derek Brooks says, I was at his first show ever. And my dad goes, what? He's like, I saw his first stand up show ever. My buddy Miles Mosley took him to see my first stand up show ever. And he goes, now I'm seeing him today. He goes, can you believe the career. Career your son's had? And my dad's like, he keeps going, derek Brooks knows who you are. I go, yeah, I know, but that backstage at Tampa, Derrick Brooks, Wade Boggs, Mike Alstott, every kid I ever grew up with. I mean, maybe. Maybe 400 people backstage. And I want that at my shows. I want everyone backstage. Dude, Nashville was like a crazy backstage. But so, like, as I say this, I go, please leverage me, because I want you to ask for the favor because I don't mind it. I don't mind.

[Drew Franklin]

I was gonna say, like, I feel like I have a good enough relationship with you to where if I had a really good beta or somebody I cared about that wanted to go to your show, and I'm just happy to not be in town, I would almost expect you to tell me if you don't want that to happen, because I would call and be like, hey, so and so wants to come your show? You can absolutely tell me to fuck off. I promise you, it's no big deal to me. He's asked me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to.

[Drew Franklin]

I don't want to say, hey, I tried asking him. Or if I felt like, hey, bro, you know, I. I don't. I don't do those things. I don't ask for those favors. But I would feel like I have a relationship enough with you to where if you didn't want to happen, I would just expect you to tell me, because I feel like we would have that relationship. Hey, Taylor, you're about to do stand up here like, hey, I promise you, bro, if it's too big of a show and shit's going on, just tell me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, that's interesting. That's interesting.

[Drew Franklin]

But I'll know what to tell him and be like, listen, he. He's got way too much going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's interesting you say that because I would. I would. If you said to me, if anyone said to me, can I get backstage and meet Shane? I go, yeah, text Shane. I don't have a problem with that. Right, Tommy? Sure. Rogan. I said, no.

[Tom Segura]

See Shane.

[Drew Franklin]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

So, Shane, because there's. Yeah, I feel you there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do.

[Tom Segura]

I do understand that with Shane, I did the same thing with some Michigan office llama. I know he loves off its alignment, those such things. I gave the same. Hey, you can tell me to off. And he's like, yes, facetimes me with the boys. And he's like, we went out till at three in the morning. Shane, you don't feel uncomfortable with like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's just be clear. He also has a type. Offensive lineman artist.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. 100.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember the Notre Dame offensive line wanted to come to our show and Shane had all their phone numbers and he's like, I've got everyone taken care of. He had pictures of him doing this with them. Yes, he was. He. And then he was like introducing my daughter and her friend to all the. Yeah, meet these guys. These guys are like the fucking best. This. This guy's the man right here. Let me tell you, where we went to high school. He, like, he loves those guys, dude.

[Tom Segura]

He loves the big boys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he does.

[Drew Franklin]

He does love the big boys. I remember when he was. He was doing one in. In Indianapolis and he wanted. Quentin does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does Quentin come. Does Vince Vaughn know who Caleb is?

[Tom Segura]

I think they did. They actually. They didn't know each other.

[Bert Kreischer]

They did.

[Drew Franklin]

I have no clue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interesting energy, yo. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, man.

[Tom Segura]

Theo Von Esque.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm being very real, and I love Caleb. I absolutely did not want to do his podcast, the Sunday Conversation. I did not want to.

[Drew Franklin]

You had to clip that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Talking about drinking because I was like. I was like, I'm not good. I'm not good in these things. Like, I don't know how to. I never know how I can do this. Like, we're just talking. Right, right, right. But like, those kind of things that make me nervous. And so he was down in. In Fort Lauderdale and we were supposed to do it, and I was so uncomfortable, I didn't know what to do.

[Drew Franklin]

And I was like a weird humor genius.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then you sit with him, really with him, and he's. He's so normal. Like, he really is, but his energy is like. You know, he's got like. He's got like big dick energy. Like, he. He's very funny without trying to be funny.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, he really isn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I watched him on Here with you guys, hysterical. And he's not trying. He's not trying. He's just being him. Yeah, I think. I think Caleb's fasting. I mean, out of the two, obviously, you know, I gravitate to Glenny Balls. That's my energy Balls at the beer was hysterical. He killed three beers out of that boot. And he goes. And I'm watching him over by the grass, I go, what's going on? He goes, oh, sempic.

[Tom Segura]

He is something special. But, yeah, some guys are just different. They just have a mind for it. Where you meet him, you're like, that's. It's impressive to be around him. Caleb's one of those guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Caleb's fascinating, man. Like his interview here, he was so funny. He was talking about a guy he doesn't talk to anymore. I can't remember who it was. A guy from Barstool, A guy they fired from Barstool or whatever.

[Drew Franklin]

Stephen Che.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And he was like, I'm gonna talk to him. It was whatever.

[Drew Franklin]

I listened to the clip recently. Recently when he was on the Yak, talking about it, where he's talking about the energy being sucked out of him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking hold on. Let's break down Barstool for a second. It's fucking fascinating. This company is fucking fascinating. It really is when you look at it. So many different personalities led by one bizarrely fascinating man who honestly should not be successful. He. Dave Portnoy, should not be successful. He is just. He is.

[Drew Franklin]

Why do you say that?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. He's. He is the guy fucking pounding his head against the system, going, fuck off. Fuck them. He's the guy like, he just. He's doing everything that you're not supposed to do, and it's winning. Like, it's fucking. I find Dave Portnoy to be fucking fascinating. He makes trophies for people. He has vendettas against.

[Drew Franklin]

Champagne.

[Bert Kreischer]

Champagne bottles.

[Drew Franklin]

It's incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not supposed to say that out loud, right? He says it out loud and I root for him. Like, I. I'm a man of the people.

[Tom Segura]

He really is a man of the people.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's very few people that have recognized me that where I got starstruck when they recognized me. Dave Portnoy. I did Big Cats podcast in LA when the something was in la. I don't forget what was in la. And I was walking down, Portnoy was having lunch by himself at the hotel, and he was like, bert, what's up? And I went, shut the up. Like, I find that guy fascinating.

[Tom Segura]

He is A fascinating individual.

[Bert Kreischer]

He says exactly what he wants to say. And look, we all do that, but kinda like I do, kinda apologetically.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like the intrusive thoughts you have, like the good wolf and the bad wolf. The story, like, which one are you gonna feed?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He is essentially everyone's inner bad wolf that is just saying what they want, dude. And people being like, yeah, I've thought that before, too. I got to get behind this guy.

[Drew Franklin]

Going against the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I could go back in time, I'd invest all my money in barstool. I don't think barstool is where it's going to be. I really think. I really sincerely think barstool is going to be something that's going to be. So I invest money right now in barstool. There's the way this is. The energy this has is so fascinating to me because it's not like, you know, we implode when we try to team up. You know, like when we. When everyone, like egos get involved with comics and it's not healthy, man.

[Tom Segura]

You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin, and this is NFL Cover Zero. We think NFL coverage should be informative and entertaining and twice a week. That is exactly what you're going to get. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game. What was that? Looks like something that should not be sold.

[Matt Jones]

Oh, my.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that was my other big Colts takeaway.

[Matt Jones]

They sold that.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Might want to go back to the.

[Matt Jones]

Drawing board at the Colts stadium.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I might want to go back to the drawing board on that. Yeah. I thought the shape we had with pretzels was working pretty well. It's worked for generations.

[Matt Jones]

We're just here trying to enjoy it. We hope you all will join us throughout the year. And let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go. I hope I'm as youthful as Pete.

[Matt Jones]

Carroll is at his age. He's a young 73. He is a young 73. He is spry, I would say.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't fight him. I would listen.

[Matt Jones]

NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan, he's Ty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the Solid Verbal College football podcast.

[Ty]

College football season is here and you know what that means.

[Dan]

Your team is going to break your heart three times probably before Halloween.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Ty]

But fear not, the Solid Verbal will be right there with you through every soul crushing loss and impossible comeback.

[Dan]

Join us all season long, all year long, as we ride the rollercoaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Whether you're a a diehard fan or a casual observer, we'll help you make sense of all the chaos and of course, celebrate the madness. Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else, and all the emotional support you need as a college football fan.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Ty, we live it.

[Ty]

Listen to the Solid Verbal College football podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Drew Franklin]

Like for barstool, it's like have a camera on that. We're breaking down the implosion, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yes. It's like instead of like hushing up like stack. Hey, we had an issue between Burton Will this weekend. Let's just make sure we're sensitive. People's feelings are like, oh, there's conflict going on. Make sure that's filmed, dude. I find that everyone picks sides and then duke it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

But in a weird way everyone picks sides and I've picked sides on watching barstool feuds and then also not cared. Like the only thing I ever. I got really drunk one night and watched a documentary on Pete Rose and I started to. I think I might have texted you guys. I started DMing everyone about like, we need to get on. We need to get Pete Rose in the hall of Fame. The only person that was a passionate snuffing belt that was big. He was the only one that replied. He was like, I'm. He definitely deserves to be in the hall of Fame. It's, it's such a unique thing. There should be a class taught about it.

[Drew Franklin]

And why doesn't, why isn't there like the WWE media?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Like all the storylines that go on, all the feuds, all the successes and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dave Portnoy has a beautiful left handed swing. He does he legit good ball player. Yeah, I think he's. Well, I think a lot of left handed swings are beautiful. He's like legit a good baseball player. I fucking. I find Dave Portman fascinating. I also find it Fascinating that he got. He is so rich. But he got rich by himself.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's.

[Drew Franklin]

That's stuff in newspapers.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he did it by himself. Like, he doesn't. He also doesn't have rich friends. Look nice. I have a much better swing.

[Drew Franklin]

Okay, Dave. That's young Dave right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what year is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a long time ago. This is how long?

[Tom Segura]

I was just gonna say he's got a really bad shoulder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dallas Braden.

[Tom Segura]

Even the Follow through looks.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, the Follow through is what makes a swing. Yeah, and by the way, he's also skinny, so, like, when you're skinny, you can. All swings look a lot better.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you swing as a fat guy, pull up Burt Chrysler Swing. When you swing as a fat guy, your rotations. That wasn't beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

No. I mean, I don't know why we're slow mode that one. But who's this pitch?

[Drew Franklin]

He hit him with an offseat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I made. I made. I made one mistake in my career that I can highlight, and that was not being a part of the Barstool family. I was offered. I was offered it, and I. I look, offered barstool. I was offered a p. I don't know. I know that right now there's a couple people going, bert, let's just drop this. But look at this swing. But it was fat.

[Drew Franklin]

Burt, when was this?

[Bert Kreischer]

This was 2. 2. 275, Bert.

[Drew Franklin]

No, when was the bar still offer?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a while ago. It was. It was.

[Tom Segura]

It just panics, takes a shirt off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was a while ago, but it was like. It was like the writing was on the wall that, like, what you guys are doing is cool as fuck. And I knew it. I could tell it. And I was looking at, like, numbers of podcasts, and none of the numbers were, like, skyrocketing. But I was like, dude, this is the future. This is the future. This is what really, this. What Barstool's doing is what Rogan kind of started, but he just never put a brand on it. He just was like, yo, we'll. We'll keep our drama internal, right? Bert's fat, Tom's making fun of him. Let's talk about it on the podcast. Let's. Hey, everyone get their own podcast. I'm gonna listen to your podcast. I'll talk about your podcast. I'm gonna put you over. It really is kind of like the Rogan mainframe of, like, what was called Death Squad at the time was all our podcasts. And it was, you know, loose fitting network of friends. But Barstool just monetized it on a better.

[Drew Franklin]

Like, I put everybody in the same building.

[Bert Kreischer]

Twisted T. I look at. Oh, dude. I remember going to the offices of Barstool being like, dude, I would excel in this fucking place. Like, creativity just spills everywhere. I mean, they'd walk you and you do KFC radio, and then you'd go in and you eat a bunch of different foods. And then you walk into another room and do sit down and talk about sports with Big Cat. Then you walk into another room and they'd go ask the Internet questions. It was like, dude, this is what it's supposed to be. This is the fucking thing. And then you look at, like, what's the. The hard seltzer, then High Noon. Leanne loves fucking High Noon. These twisted tees are fucking amazing, you guys. Brand partnerships are through the next level. You know, I. I think that was. I mean, I'm glad I'm dead. I did. You know, no regrets, but. But I think that would have been. I should have been smart.

[Drew Franklin]

Maybe after next year, when you take.

[Bert Kreischer]

A year off, maybe I retire or a.

[Drew Franklin]

When you move to Nashville, there's definitely.

[Tom Segura]

A piece of you that when you move to Nashville, you're ready to. Huh.

[Drew Franklin]

A little chill up your spine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Creativity.

[Drew Franklin]

What areas You.

[Tom Segura]

You and me looking at?

[Bert Kreischer]

South.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so Franklin. Brentwood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

She wants a lot of land. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a leap of short. I'm going to. Oh, I already know I got my life. Oh, let me take a drink. It feels so good when you have alcohol in you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, apparently. How much space do we have?

[Bert Kreischer]

30 minutes.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. We have. We. We have to hard cap it at 30 minutes as our memory cards are losing.

[Bert Kreischer]

First thing I'm gonna do, we're gonna buy a lot of land, and I'm gonna build a running track through the woods. I'm gonna build it. I'm gonna. I'm gonna dig it out with, like a digger and go through and build a running track. One and a half mile loop. That's number one. Okay. All right. Number two. No one will be able to see or hear me. I can walk around naked everywhere. We're gonna be on top of a mountain overlooking a beautiful sunset. There's going to be a lake on this property. My tour bus will be there. That's where I'll sleep. But we're gonna have a barndominium. That's where Leanne's gonna live. I can't wait. We're gonna have. Leanne just fell in love with this assault rifle. So we're gonna have assault rifles out there. Okay. Yeah, I'm getting food for Christmas.

[Tom Segura]

Animals or no animals, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm taking animals to the next level.

[Tom Segura]

Don't listen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm buying endangered species. I'm buying. I'm gonna have links. I'm gonna have big cats. Big cats are gonna roam my property and I'm gonna have a litter of doggo Argentinos. Pull up doggo Argentino.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, they're insane, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm have a. Literally, let me see those things.

[Tom Segura]

Let me see them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Little pull up doggo Argentino and then Savannah cats. Look at that beast. All right, I'm gonna have all those ears cropped.

[Tom Segura]

Can I be honest with you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Don't like the cropped ears.

[Drew Franklin]

Don't crop the ears.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Your life, your choice.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll circumcise them then. Then, and then pull up Savannah cat. Pull up Savannah cat. That. Look at that. A butterfly on his nose. Now wait to see these cats I'm gonna have running around my property. Savannah cat. These things are huge.

[Tom Segura]

Looks like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're massive. They're like 70 pounds.

[Tom Segura]

Looks like little bobcats.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm have a ton of those. I'm a few parrots. I'm gonna have some macaws. I'm gonna really just have a wild king.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, coming over.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at that thing. Look at that thing. Look at that thing. Look at that thing.

[Tom Segura]

Get up there again. Let me see that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Drew Franklin]

They know how to open doors.

[Tom Segura]

They know probably a lot more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's my question, though. Now here's my thing. And I'm going to lean on you guys for this. For real. And we did this when we moved to la, when we moved to the Valley. I want to make friends. Like, I want to have regular friends. Okay. All right, so like, and I'm going to, like, because, like, I can't just move here and then just be friends with you guys and Jelly Roll and Earnest and like celebrities, you know, Like, I want to have also regular friends. We can be friends. Not most better than you guys, but.

[Tom Segura]

Like, no, but like a step above.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, but no, but no, but I.

[Drew Franklin]

Know people that are people that are in town, not on the road all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, like I want to. Like I want to because we're. I think we'll spend half our year here and then half our year in la. And I was like, I was like, yeah, but we move here, we're like, we. We should like, like, hang out with people. Community. Yeah. Be a part of the community. Like, here's my big thing. I want to throw a party every year. Like, one party.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Let me tell you about national parties. In groups of people. People lay claims to parties. Like, oh, so. And so does the Halloween party. The Rhett family. They, along with Taylor, do the Halloween party at their farm. We do the Lawans. We do the Easter party.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And so there's always time out.

[Drew Franklin]

There's a Halloween party coming alive this.

[Tom Segura]

Year at our house. Yeah, but that's like. That's actually when Brainchild, my oldest daughter, win Rebel, the one.

[Drew Franklin]

She has Christmas, Thanksgiving.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to go obscure. Pull up holidays. Pull up obscure holidays.

[Tom Segura]

Flag Day, President's Day, Arbor Day. Yeah, Arbor Day.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, just Monday Night Football.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, have you been to Oregon? Of course you've been to Oregon. How amazing is the trees in Oregon? Are they unbelievable or what?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're next level.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know? Do you know? Here's what's wrong with me. I'm insufferable. Okay, okay. This is why I'm insufferable.

[Tom Segura]

All right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Everything you say, I've done it times 10.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know? I. I climbed to the top of the redwoods and hung out for roughly two hours at the top of the redwoods.

[Tom Segura]

Like a tree.

[Bert Kreischer]

A tree.

[Tom Segura]

You climbed up a tree?

[Bert Kreischer]

I jugged up a redwood. Jugging is when you get the rope and you do this. I jumped to the top of redwood and hung out for two hours.

[Drew Franklin]

You smoke?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. I was stone sober and terrified. It is wild how quiet it is and how the wind talks to you and the trees move, and you can feel. You can see the wind coming by, the trees moving, and then it hits you. It is surreal. Everything you've ever talked about in anything in life, I think that's me. It's up the redwood. We bungee jumped off it.

[Tom Segura]

God, that is so cool, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I.

[Tom Segura]

We were. When we were in Eugene, we, like, went and walked through sober. I haven't smoked or anything. And me, JP and Garrett were kind of walking through a will was coming to meet us, and we just find these trees. And it was like, I'm, like, touching the trees and feeling the texture of the trees. Someone felt like foam. Some of them felt hard. And I was like, this is, like, the most incredible vegetation I've ever seen in my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

One day I'll do a podcast where I tell you all the stuff I've done that you'd never believe, like, slept in the world's largest cave in Vietnam. Six hour hike in, six hour hike out the cave so big the Empire State Building could fit inside the cave. Stayed in there for a night. When I was on Travel Channel, I did the craziest things. Someone said to me the other day, have you ever swam a sharks? I was talking to a surfer. He's like, you've ever swam a sharks? I said, I've swam a great white sharks out of the cage. I say, with great white sharks in the cage. That's the cave. It's insane.

[Tom Segura]

Does it really look like that?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I did? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Or is it like a filter?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because that's always type in Bert Kreischer in this cave. Type Bert Kreischer in Vietnam cave.

[Tom Segura]

Actually. First, first type in Burt Kreisler in this cave. Just type in that. I want to see what comes up.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's two bears, one cave.

[Tom Segura]

Fair enough. Fair enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's, it's. I, I swam. I've swam with sharks probably 10 times. I've swam, I've swam with whale sharks. I've swam with.

[Drew Franklin]

Have you swam with orcas?

[Bert Kreischer]

I almost did. Do you remember?

[Drew Franklin]

I want that so bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

So they do that in our buddy John Manns, one of my buddy best buddies, he does that in Norway every year. They go out.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah. Norway's.

[Tom Segura]

That's where you do it. And you can actually swim with them there.

[Bert Kreischer]

You swim with them, you go out and they fucking.

[Tom Segura]

They're.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're cool as shit.

[Tom Segura]

Is it true that no one has ever been killed? There's never been a recorded kill of a great white shark outside of captivity.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Once again we're going into a Burke Crusher rabbit hole.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I believe the second we released, we stopped having SeaWorld with the great killer whales. They started retaliating against us. Have you noticed that they're attacking boats like crazy now?

[Tom Segura]

There was a whole thing about that. Weren't you and Jack talking about that one? Yeah. Big orca individuals here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never happened before. I'm a big fan too. Too. I'm a big SeaWorld fan. But the second we didn't have Shamu anymore, that's me with great white sharks right there. It's me in the cage. You see the picture?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

To the right. That's. That's my daughter's in the cage of gray. Have you ever seen my sharks?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God.

[Drew Franklin]

The black, like black tip. Is that. Does that sound right?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's me inside the cage. That's a great white shark.

[Drew Franklin]

I've Swim with those.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Did you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Hawaii?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

No. Out in Bora Bora for the honeymoon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice motorcycle. You know what? You know, so crazy. I. I was listening to a podcast the other day about. This is when I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I was listening to a podcast about. About Sitting Bull, right? And Custard's Last Stand.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Custard's Last Stand was in.

[Tom Segura]

In Dallas.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no clue.

[Tom Segura]

The library, San Clemente.

[Bert Kreischer]

The revolver in the Dakotas. It was in North Dakota.

[Tom Segura]

Gotcha. Sturges.

[Bert Kreischer]

Near Sturgis.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's near Sturgis. It is. I only know that because I. I was a. I reenacted Custard's Last Stand with those. With Lakotas. I think it's Lakotas at the actual place. We had hunted buffalo with the Crow Nation that evening. We hunted buffalo. One of the most beautiful motorcycles. Are you a motorcycle guy?

[Tom Segura]

I like. I enjoy motorcycles quite a bit. I have. I'm not a Harley guy, but I grew up on dirt bikes. Freestyle motocross was my, like, first love of my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

We hunt buffalo at sunset. We land a helicopter on. On top of a mountain. I get on my motorcycle. It's an Indian chief. I get on my. No, no, no. It was a victory judge. And I get on the motorcycle and I start riding through the hills of Montana. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. And a pack of wild horses catches up with me on top of a fucking mountain. And I'm listening to Wilco. Dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And I'm going fucking 30 miles an hour with horses racing next to me, going like, what? What world am I living in? Then we take it over to where Sitting Bull had his last custard, his last stand. And they reenacted the thing. The kids, they do this thing. If they touch you, it's more insulting than if they kill you. The idea that an Indian could get a Native American, could get it close enough to touch you but not hurt you was more insulting than dying itself. And they did that to me non stop. They put me on a horse and they just came up just screaming, all painted yellow, naked on horses, little loincloth just. Just touching me and just. It was insane. Yeah, dude, I lived a crazy life. The Travel Channel stuff I did, or one day I'll talk about it on something, but it's like the. For seven years, I traveled around the world over and over again. Just around the world. You'd pick a map and you'd get a map and you go, where do you want to go? And I'd go, I've heard of Tanzania. What is that like? And then you'd be like, well, you can also go to Zanzibar. You're like, is that a real place? And then we just travel the world. It was insane crime for that.

[Drew Franklin]

You've lived a good life, bro.

[Tom Segura]

It's a fantastic life.

[Bert Kreischer]

I really have.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds like you're. You're ready for the calm a little bit. It feels like you're ready for the calm.

[Drew Franklin]

You'll be having more stories after this next year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, you will, because you'd be traveling.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just be quiet. I'm thinking about here's. Okay, so. So real quick when we wrap up. So I'm thinking of places. What's one thing? So I'm thinking of, like. Like, things that Leanne. Leanne wants to go on safari. She wants to go on safari. So I'm gonna take her to. I'm gonna take her to Africa. But then I was like, yo, you're in Africa, right? I want to go down the Nile. Right. I want to see the pyramids. Yeah, right. So then you go, okay, so let's take a month. Let's do Africa. Let's do. Let's do Africa. Let's go to the Maldives. Let's go. Like, if I'm not just gonna go to do one thing. We don't have kids anymore. They're in college. Let's go do the thing. It's like. It's a natural. It's like this. We're here in Nashville. She's like, you know, spend the week here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's look at houses. Then we go to Oregon on Thursday and spend the weekend in Oregon, and then we're home. And so Africa. What's one thing you want to do, one thing you want to see really badly in this world?

[Tom Segura]

We'll go first.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, orcas. I would love to swim with orca whales. I think that's the top of my bucket list.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Drew Franklin]

And I do think doing a safari. I hear South Africa is incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Doing like, you know, up early in the morning, like, getting close to some lions. Like, close enough to death.

[Bert Kreischer]

Death.

[Drew Franklin]

But I think those two things would be sick or get maybe in the jungle and be amongst some gorillas. I think that would be really fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, where they charge you and they go, yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Where you're a little nervous, but the little. You got the. You got the guide with you, telling you how to be and how to act, but you're scared enough to like, I literally might have to pick up a go right here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. God, that sounds.

[Drew Franklin]

But actually, lions, gorillas, and orcas, that would be my biggest.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so you're a big animal guy.

[Drew Franklin]

That'd be my big three or amongst a wolves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wolves.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. You've done that?

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta do something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Actually down close to. To Tampa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Drew Franklin]

There's like this sanctuary of wolves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I worked with wolves.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you have. That's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

For me, they smell like, like just give me a heads up. But wolves don't. No one washes a wolf. It's one thing I learned the.

[Tom Segura]

My wife, when we first met, she told me she's like the person I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with, I'm gonna go to Iceland with. And we still to this day have not been to Iceland.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay, okay. Okay. You ready? So hold on. I'm sorry. Leanne will not listen to this podcast, so I'm surprising her with a trip.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And we're going to. She's always want to go to Paris and so she won't hear this. And by the way, don't be a dick and text her this. Just let this.

[Drew Franklin]

I was gonna say. I'm already thinking about clipping it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm take. So I'm taking. We're doing a Two Bears Poroso signing in in San Francisco. And I was like, yo. I was like, the next one's a week later in Tampa. I go, why don't we just go to Paris for the fucking week? And so I don't know whether. And I'm curious what you would do in your relationship. Do I legit fucking surprise her and go. Like, I grab her passport, I bring no clothes. Just go like, we're in San Francisco and go, yo, get our next flight. We're going. And she's like, wait, this isn't our flight now we're going to Paris. Do I do that or do I tell her a week ahead of time and let her get ready for it and bring clothes?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, for sure. Don't tell her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't tell her.

[Tom Segura]

That's personally depends.

[Drew Franklin]

How's your wife?

[Tom Segura]

Is she a planner?

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, are you gonna shop in San Francisco? You know what I mean? Because I know. I know Charles. She would like to. Whatever spots we go to, to eat dinner. Like, she would have to. She would. She would enjoy having her outfits picked out. So if you do surprise her, it might be one of those things where you land, you take her shopping in Paris to get said outfit for dinner.

[Tom Segura]

That's way better than being like, hey, go pick out some outfits if you're going to. If you want to spend that kind of money. Yeah, but, yeah, I'm.

[Drew Franklin]

I'm surprised would be good. But I do think keep in mind how they want to be for dinner and having everything kind of like having some type of, hey, we're gonna hit this restaurant. We're gonna hit that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So I'm thinking about a bunch. I'm thinking about a bunch of those trips. Those trips going, like, last minute, going, hey, we're going. Because she's been really good about that. Like, she's been good about not telling me where we're going. And they're all always concerts. We're into Pearl Jam. We've been to, like, Eagles, and it's been awesome. But, like, I like the surprise. But also, I don't know, like, it's kind of a bro move. Be like.

[Drew Franklin]

I would say. I would say my wife would love the surprise, and she would be even more surprised and more excited knowing that I had some things planned out. Being like, oh, you. You did this on your own type of thing. Like, you pull all this shit off and you're like, yeah, I got everything taken care of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rough.

[Tom Segura]

See, Taylor knows I'm not capable of, like, planning that much. She would be so incredibly excited if I was like, hey, guess where we're going? We're going to Iceland. We're going to Paris, dude. Well, what am I doing about close? I don't even know what to get back. Don't even worry about. We're gonna get close when we get there.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll get close when we get there.

[Tom Segura]

That is, we get close when we get there. To me and for Taylor and Taylor love surprises. She's all about surprises. I'm terrible at doing surprises, so that. Personally, I think I'm horrible at surprises.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just told this surprise on the podcast. Yeah, but, like. But she won't listen to it. And don't. And just be cool, everyone. Don't send it to her.

[Drew Franklin]

Don't be like, we're not. We're not gonna.

[Tom Segura]

We're not gonna. We're anything. We're not gonna clip any of this. We're born to have clips for this show now.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is.

[Tom Segura]

We're not gonna release it now.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much did you sell this podcast for?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think we can even do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, if I said, I'll give you $30 million for the podcast right now.

[Tom Segura]

Would you sell it to have everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but I get it. I get it. I buy it for $30 million. I bet. I get it. I give you $30 million, and then I get to. You guys keep doing it, but now I'm like a 50. 50 partner with you. You.

[Drew Franklin]

Oh, 50, 50.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, 50, 50.

[Bert Kreischer]

So no, you guys get 25 each, and then I get 50 each, and. And then. Would you do that to a company?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, maybe $100 million.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

$100 million.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. $100 million. You have 80.

[Bert Kreischer]

You keep your IP, but you. You.

[Drew Franklin]

Am I calling the shots?

[Tom Segura]

Creative freedom for us?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. I mean, you. Yes. Yes, but no meaning, like, yeah, but.

[Tom Segura]

If somebody call us and be like, we want you to say this on the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, man. But I'm thinking is my sponsors right now. Hey, Twisted Tea. NASCAR has got an event. You're like, oh, I'm. Yeah, well, we need you to do this NASCAR event. Can you. You're gonna have to fly down to Daytona. That's a bad example. Because they were a sponsor of Two Bears, and I like NASCAR a lot. I was gonna say, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Like, that's a bad one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. 30 million, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's. What's the end game? What's the end game?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think that's a great question.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's where I'm at. Where I'm like, what's my end game? Like, do I do stand up forever? Do I do the podcast forever? Do I. Do I. Is there a chance that I retire?

[Tom Segura]

I will. I'll tell you this about my personal end game. If you asked me this a year ago, there was no end game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Now, I literally. I talked about this in the podcast a few times. I spent my. For the first time in my adult life, was in Canada for a week and sat there and was like, oh, I really am enjoying doing nothing and just being with my family. And it's really me up since then to where now I'm like, okay, how does. How do I eventually just do nothing or do only the things that I really enjoy? How do I become as involved of a dad as possible and around the family 90 of the time, as opposed to.

[Bert Kreischer]

What about this? Does something. Having something, does that keep you healthy? Yes, because something keeps me healthy. Nothing keeps me very.

[Drew Franklin]

Because I love to, like, expand the brand. Like, I'd love to make this more of a locker room. Other athletes, just other. Other influencers. Entertainers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you doing moving to Nashville? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Inside the walls at all times.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I sold my soul to that past factor.

[Drew Franklin]

To Will Smith Hollywood.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in bed with Tommy so deep right now. You have no idea. We have so much money together.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But if there, if there was a way for busing to. Not just like, like, obviously Will and I being the faces of it, but having other people part of it. Part of it. Like Delaney Walker, he's been a person that's been embedded into the fall for us. That's awesome. He's a great personality. He's great to have around. Like, having more people like that to kind of like lift the load of the in front of camera stuff would be awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's just such a great thing you guys have built.

[Drew Franklin]

How real is this 30 million dollar offer?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I think that's where the future is. Part of me busing. No. Part of me goes like, okay. Oh, man, I'm.

[Drew Franklin]

You already know when he gets off here, he's gonna call Tom. Like, I was feeling him out a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds like we're gonna buy him for. They said for sure, 100 million. So we have between 30 and 100 to really figure out.

[Bert Kreischer]

30 is the working number. 30 is the working number.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't know. It's like, it's like, it's like you could tell what's going to be good. Like, I could never have. I could never have predicted where Pat McAfee is, because when he was doing it, it was just. There wasn't a. There wasn't a system in place to show you what was going to happen. But now that you've seen what Pat McAfee has done, you see the future of everything a little bit now. He, he, he laid fucking. I mean, it's amazing. Even still, look at Rogan. Once you saw what Rogan did, you're like, wow.

[Drew Franklin]

I'm saying between the Rogan, the McAfee.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very quickly we look at. We look at Theo and we know where this is going.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, you know, they're dudes smarter than us going, they know where this is going. Right. So then, then that's what I find really fascinating. And then you look at the kids that are. I say kids, but, like, you know Dan Soder. You know Dan Soder at all?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dan Soder just started doing his own podcast, and his podcast is killing it very easily. You could go, I know where that's going. Like, that's where I go. Like, okay, so then what's the price point? And if you know where it's going. The Sodas podcast is a. Dan Sodor is going to be. So you said. Who's the next guy for real? Dan Soder. Dan Soder is brilliant. Legit. He will be doing an arena tour next. In two years.

[Tom Segura]

2026.

[Bert Kreischer]

2026, he'll be doing arena tour. He's so talented. He's so goddamn talented.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's. You know. You know what I'm saying, though, like, once you see the like, that's why you gotta hats off to McAfee is like, he saw where it was going before anyone saw where it was going. I mean, you guys got kind of did too. But, like, he had this like, crazy vision of like. Like, right. He's a lot like Tommy in. In respects of him going, like, I don't care what people think. I'll do whatever I think. And this. It's badass.

[Tom Segura]

Even watch College Game Day. He's changed that show and made it 10 times better. It was already a fantastic show.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a great show. I watch it every. My daughter hit me up. She was like, yeah, we're going to college game day.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Drew Franklin]

The atmosphere is electric.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. She's like, do you know these guys? And I was like, yeah, I know. I know. I know one of them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But like, it's. It's crazy. My daughter doesn't give a fuck about football. She goes to college game day.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. I wish.

[Tom Segura]

I wish I was fun podcast you've ever done where you're like, man, I really had. I know idea was gonna be that good of a time, but fuck, that was so much fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you honestly, the first podcast I ever did with Bill was like. The first time we started doing Bill Burt. Those first three ones we did. I mean, like. And I'm a fan of his, but, like, I was blown away. I was like, do you forget how funny someone is? And like that. And then. And then. Honestly, I don't think I was doing two Bears yet. I think me and Tom had done one, but. And then when I started doing the first. The first two Bears ones, when the pandemic was kicking, we started doing every week. Dude, Tommy just had me every. He just knew me so well. He had me rolling. Those were the. If I could go back, I'd erase all my podcasts I've ever done. And I just have those first two bears and the first Bill Burt's were like. I was just like, you can make.

[Tom Segura]

A difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones and I'm Drew Franklin and this is NFL Cover Zero. We think NFL coverage should be informative and entertaining. And twice a week that is exactly what you're gonna get. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game.

[Matt Jones]

What was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks like something that should not be sold.

[Matt Jones]

Oh my. So that was my other big Colts takeaway. They sold that?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Might want to go back to the Colts stadium. Yeah. Might want to go back to the drawing board on that.

[Matt Jones]

Yeah. I thought, I thought the shape we.

[Bert Kreischer]

Had with pretzels was working pretty well. It's worked for generations.

[Matt Jones]

We're just here trying to enjoy it. We hope you all will join us throughout the year. And let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope I'm as youthful as Pete.

[Matt Jones]

Carroll is at his age. He's a young 73. He is a young 73. He is spry.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't fight him.

[Matt Jones]

I would listen NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan, he's Ty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the Solid verbal college football podcast.

[Ty]

College football season is here and you know what that means.

[Dan]

Your team is going to break your heart three times probably before Halloween.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Ty]

But fear not, the solid verbal will be right there with you three through every soul crushing loss and impossible comeback.

[Dan]

Join us all season long, all year long, as we ride the roller coaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Whether you're a die hard fan or a casual observer, we'll help you make sense of all the chaos and of course, celebrate the madness. Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else, and all the emotional support you need as a college football football fan.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Ty. We live it.

[Ty]

Listen to the solid verbal college football podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I, I remember the first one I did with Bill was like I walked off and I was like, I was like confidently going, someone buy a new house. This is gonna make so much money. I Was like, this is. I was like, he's brilliant. I mean, he just would, like. I didn't say anything, and I got on. I talk over everyone, and I got on. On that podcast, I would not talk, I swear to God, on Bill Burt. I would just sit and listen and laugh hysterically the whole time. Same with, like, the beginning of Two Bears was like. Was like that. Those were great. I'll tell you what the. The best podcast I've ever been a part of. End of the World with Joe Stanhope, me. Bill was the. I mean, it was fucking insane. It was insane. It was like Marilyn Manson was there. It was like the craziest night of our lives. Anything to do with Joe. The first. I mean, the. The hardest I've ever laughed on a podcast, without a doubt, is when Tom shaved my beard on. Tom shaved my beard on Rogan for the weight loss challenge. He shaved it. And he. As you're shaving. And I said, does it look good? And he looked in his eyes, he's like, no. And I couldn't. The two of us laughing. It's the closest I've ever had to having sex with a man. Like, me. And him laughing in each other's eyes in that moment was like, such a pure joy. Like, I was crying, and he's just laughing, shaving me. Look. Making me look like a Puerto Rican guy. Look at this. Look how fat Tommy was. Look at this. This is the moment. You ready? This is Joe recording it, by the way. This is how long ago Joe was. That's.

[Drew Franklin]

God. Those are the good laugh, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Play that at my funeral. Play it at my funeral. If I even have one. I don't know if that's real.

[Tom Segura]

The whole death, if I ever have one. It's like 500 years from now. You're like, see? Doesn't exist.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hung up with a dude that was 93 the other day.

[Tom Segura]

That's a major main character syndrome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I got main characters.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. But I'm saying, like, just to not believe in death is like, okay, yeah, everyone dies.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does it happen to you?

[Tom Segura]

No, but I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm.

[Tom Segura]

I'm the main character.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Have you been to a funeral? Wasn't you? Was it.

[Tom Segura]

Was it you? Was it?

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, gentlemen. Hey, this is awesome. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

We gotta get tears out. We have to do tear talk.

[Drew Franklin]

We could. We could hold tear talk for the intro.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's tear talk?

[Tom Segura]

Tear talk is you're just evaluating your top three favorite things of that category of tears.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Of tears. We got time.

[Drew Franklin]

We Got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cool. All right.

[Tom Segura]

Five minutes.

[Drew Franklin]

She out there.

[Tom Segura]

Knock it out.

[Dan]

Oh, they're back at the hotel.

[Drew Franklin]

Okay, which one are we doing?

[Tom Segura]

Tear talk? Holiday parties.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay, Holiday parties.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna start at three. You're gonna tell us why three is your third favorite, then tier two.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Then you're gonna finish with tier one, which is your absolute favorite. Okay. So who wants to go first? We'll go ahead.

[Drew Franklin]

What I hate about this is I don't know if Halloween is in my top three. I think my tier two. No, no, no. Question. Is Thanksgiving. Is that a party? Is that. Does that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Thanksgiving.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I guess I would argue Thanksgiving is. Is nothing but an entire day party.

[Tom Segura]

And my.

[Drew Franklin]

And you got. You got football on, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanksgiving.

[Drew Franklin]

I would say number two, my tier three, is going to be a Christmas party. In fact, the Christmas party that we do a few days before Christmas.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

Make the gingerbread houses.

[Tom Segura]

You guys got to come to live in Nashville.

[Drew Franklin]

We're building some good traditional stuff in our. In our. In our. In our Christmas party. Some really good traditional stuff in our Christmas party. But that would be my tier three. My tier two would be Thanksgiving. I feel like you have Thanksgiving, you have NFL football. You're eating. You're eating leftovers, you're eating pies. Like, everybody comes over together. Somebody's usually bringing a dish. I absolutely love Thanksgiving. If that's. If that fits into our holiday parties, then Thanksgiving is my tier 2, my tier 1. Nearest and dearest to my heart. I. I love the Fourth of July. I think Fourth of July. Celebrating America, getting.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're making me so glad I'm American right now.

[Drew Franklin]

Getting together with your families.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you believe they just have Ramadan? What is it like in, like, if you live in, like, Egypt, you just get, like, Ramadan, where you don't see. I don't know. They don't have Fourth of July. They don't have New New Year's Eve. Or maybe they do, but it's like, whatever. They don't have Christmas.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't even have Hanukkah. They definitely don't have Hanukkah. They don't have, like, all the sh. We got the best royal day.

[Drew Franklin]

We have a great roster of holiday parts.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you were selling a country, meaning, like, if you were like, yo, come to America, I just want to start off by telling you all the days we party, you'd be like, why would I go in any. I'm not going to Iraq.

[Drew Franklin]

Yeah, well, let's sit down.

[Tom Segura]

Definitely not Iraq.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it's like, I'm not gonna go to. I'm not gonna go to Russia. No.

[Tom Segura]

What about Amsterdam? I think Amsterdam is a place. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. They celebrate everything. They're like, oh, we celebrate like French Independence Day. Like, okay, yeah, yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

By the way, they get out of school for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even think some good holidays. I think they're all homeschooled.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

All the Amsterdam kids, they don't even. Like, they just sell weed in their hookers. I think there's two career paths. I don't know much. You know, there's no trade. I'll tell you what. Hot chicks ride bikes there. That's the crazy thing.

[Tom Segura]

That is wild. Hot chicks ride probably not even 10 speeds either. The ones you really have to pedal through, I'd argue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. They're the ones with handles like this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And a basket. Dude, the hottest women in the world are in Amsterdam.

[Drew Franklin]

I've heard Israel is up there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I slept on Indian chicks for a long time. Indian chicks. Without a doubt.

[Drew Franklin]

They got you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. That's my one regret. I've never had sex with an Indian chick. Yeah. It's like, either. I think they're absolutely stunning.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, Indian chicks are like. And what's crazy is I say that every time I meet an Indian person. I tell them I never.

[Tom Segura]

It gotta let them know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Drew Franklin]

I've ever had.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So, last one's fourth of July.

[Drew Franklin]

Okay, that concludes my tear talk.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna give you. Dude, I'm gonna give an honorable mention to college Halloween parties. There is a special place for that. I just think as an adult. Yeah, I do. I do agree that, like, Halloween parties as an adult is a little bit more difficult. We're trying to cook one of this year to kind of get it, you know, Pumpkin carbon competition. Kind of do all the things you do, but you lose the sluttiness. Yes. There is nothing like being a horny 19 year old going to a Halloween house party.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, everyone's a whore. Everyone. Everyone.

[Tom Segura]

It is. It's. It's really something special.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never seen a slutty tactician before.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, there's just. Everyone's dressed as a slut. Whatever it is. Oh, it's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

My tier three is gonna go to Nice. My tier three is gonna go To 4th of July. The barbecues, the summertime, the tank tops, the twisted tees.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It is a. It's. It's just a great time. It's the peak of Summer. And it's just, you know, people loved it. It's like almost cool. Like you said, it's like cool not to have a religion. It's like cool not to be about America. But that's not cool to me. When you get to 4th of July and though you see the flags flying, people about it, playing bags, all those things like that to me is just, it's, it's beautiful. My tier two and you guys, it probably wouldn't have been my tier two until my eyes were open to the idea of Thanksgiving being a full day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Because it really is. I, I, so as I'm getting older, I do, I, I enjoy parties so much for a couple of reasons. I enjoy it. One, because I want my kids when, when I grow up and if I do die, if that really exists, if I die, my kids are like, yo, my dad. I want them to like talk about how psychotic I was about holidays. Something about bringing the cheer in and every single thing. Spooktober, Thanksgiving, Christmas. But like Thanksgiving last year where we have 30 people at the house, there's endless supply of food we're adding this year I want to do a, a prize for weigh ins and weigh outs. Who gains the most during Thanksgiving?

[Bert Kreischer]

Gamify life.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yes. And it's just like I, I just love like how it's like, yeah, people's got their diets, they have their ideas of what they want to look like, but on that day, it doesn't matter at all. You can drink as much as you want. You have the entire weekend to eat the same food for the entire weekend if not bleeding into the next week. So I think that's awesome. My tier one is Christmas parties, dude. I think when you get to that like 23rd of December, when you have a whole bunch of people coming over and you have full grown adults making gingerbread houses and having a competition who can make the best gingerbread houses and everyone kind of voting on it. And there's an endless supply of the, the and most intense eggnog on top of it. And knowing that like no one's got work tomorrow, no one's got anything to do the next, the next few days. And you're gonna make it like a, a full weekend out of like dude drinking a little too much pinky swearing to start your diets come the new year. You know, at that point, like all the things I was going to achieve this year, that's done now because I know 2025 is a week away and that's when I'll Restart everything. So it's like really throwing your inhibitions to the wind and being like, dude, fuck it. Like, we're going to do whatever we want here. It's just. There's something about darkness with all your friends around, and the only thing lighting up the outside are Christmas lights and just giving you that, like. Oh, dude, like, best music, it really is cheer, dude. The music is going. You got Elvis on. You've got Mariah Carey going. You got all the different kinds of music, and it's got this, like, peppermint Christmas tree smell that just is an aura throughout everybody. Everyone's a little bit happier. You'd be having the worst week of your life. But on that, those couple of days that week, it's like, what are we all upset about?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, you got me so right.

[Tom Segura]

Have a sip, dude. Have a sitting right now. It's that good. And it bums me out that because I'm obviously a huge Spooktober guy, but that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I know way to do. I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing when I move to Nashville.

[Tom Segura]

What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, let's work through my tear.

[Drew Franklin]

Coming to these parties.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no. I got my party. I got my party. I got my party. I know how I'm going to own Nashville. I got my party. Okay, okay, let's work it backwards. Thanksgiving is awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Tier three.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tier three, okay. It gives you a whole day of partying. The whole day is about one event. No one has to give a present, which is perfect. There's no anxiety about presents. That's what makes this beautiful.

[Drew Franklin]

Just telling somebody what they mean to you.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why I'm thankful that you're in my life. Oh, you get the big house. Everyone's there, everyone comes in, brings a little something. Nothing but love. Football's on all fucking day. So important in a holiday is what do we have playing in the background? Oh, I love Thanksgiving. Number two. I'm gonna say St. Patrick's Day. Now, I want you to know that I have not unveiled what will be my Nashville holiday that I will own. Bert Kreischer will come to Nashville, and I will own this day.

[Drew Franklin]

Mardi Gras.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. Nope. Oh, buddy, you're so far off. But let's celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Okay. Best St. Patrick's Day I ever had. 1995. My buddy Hutch called me and said, I have a Vespa and a pocket full of mushrooms. Do you want to go on a ride? And I sat backwards on a Vespa. High on mushrooms. St. Patrick's Day, drunk as fuck, Tripping my balls off, driving through Tallahassee. St. Patrick's Day, it brings the champion out of all of us. We get up early, we get to the bar early, we kill beers early, we fucking stay up late. If you got to do coke, we get it. It's St. Patrick's Day, and it's all about luck. I mean, luck is. I believe more in luck than I do hard work. I think luck is so more important than hard work. How many people did you play baseball with that were, like, so fucking good, but then just never got to the next play? And they just never had that one thing? The one coach that saw them the one time. They didn't. They just didn't. They fumbled on the one time. It's luck is so important. And that is why my number one, and my name is Bert Kreisler. I'll be moving to Nashville, and I will be celebrating this every year, and I will be throwing this party, and I can't wait till you guys come. Chinese New Year's. Oh, it's all about luck. It's all about luck. You dress all in red. You bring fresh ones, crisp from the bank. It's all about gambling, making noise. Pull up Chinese New Year's. Pull up Bert Kreischer. Chinese New Year's. I've celebrated it every year. I love it. It's my favorite holiday. You eat a ton, you drink a ton, you yell, you bring. You bring an Asian cultural center in, they dress as dragons. There's me and. That's me and Oliver Stone at Chinese New Year's. This. I fucking love Chinese New Year's more than anything. And when I moved. God, look how fucking fat I am. He looks better than me. How's that possible? When I move to Nashville, I will be throwing the most epic Chinese New Year's parties. Every year in January, everyone's dressed in red. That's us in Amsterdam. That's when I flew those guys out for Chinese New Year's, all dressed in red, gambling, eating mushrooms, partying our balls off. But without a doubt. And it's cultural appropriation. Chinese New Year's is my favorite bad question.

[Drew Franklin]

When is Chinese New Year's?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Drew Franklin]

But you're gonna own it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, sometimes in January, sometimes in January, we'll be here in January. January 29th.

[Drew Franklin]

Late January.

[Tom Segura]

And it's always the year of something, too. Oh, it's Dragon the snake.

[Bert Kreischer]

Last year was the monkey, I think. Yeah. Or the Rat.

[Tom Segura]

What year is it? This year?

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's so fun. I would take. I would take a. I would take a hundred dollars in fresh ones, put them in a. Put in. In a. In a Ziploc bag, put a rock in it, throw at the bottom of the pool, and then in the middle of the party, I'd go 100 to the bottom pool, and all the kids would die. Jump in the pool, try to get that hundred dollars. Dude, I. I. Honestly, I'm. I'm. I get so wild at Chinese New Year's. That year, I was with Oliver Stone.

[Drew Franklin]

There was like, oh, it's my year, 1989.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

You're the snake.

[Drew Franklin]

You're the Snake.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Last year, I was making it rain on these Asian kids. I was on top of a ladder, and I was like, just throwing ones on them, just making it rain on them. And Oliver Stone saw that, and he's like, who the fuck is this guy? I was like, buddy, you bought the rights to my life. He was like, what? I was like, dude, you're the reason I'm here. You're the reason I have all this. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here. He's like, I don't remember that.

[Tom Segura]

I don't remember that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, see, he's wearing red. Chinese New Year's, man. It's dope. It is with that. The coolest party. Oh, Chinese New Year's. I'm gonna own Chinese New Year's in that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Bird, thank you for coming on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you guys. I love you guys. Honestly, you've changed my lives in so many ways. I are. My friendship with both of you means a great deal. And I'm telling you, you guys welcoming Leanne to the Beer Olympics last year, it was the coolest thing that that woman's ever done. She had. She does not stop talking about it. She. She is a ride or die for both you motherfuckers like Hardcore and Michael Chandler.

[Drew Franklin]

But she's one of the boys, man.

[Tom Segura]

She is, man. She's unbelievable. And then you've become an awesome friend to both of us. You've given us amazing experiences, letting us come to your movie premiere. Just being a part of your life is special, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait till you guys do Rogan.

[Drew Franklin]

Love you, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you guys.

[Tom Segura]

Love you, brother Joe. Subscribe five stars.

[Matt Jones]

Hey, this is Matt Jones. And I'm Drew Franklin, and this is NFL Cover Zero. We're just here to try to give you an NFL perspective a little bit different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the Colts pretzel? That was my other big takeaway from that game.

[Matt Jones]

What was that? Oh my. We think NFL coverage should be informative and entertaining. And twice a week that is exactly what you're to going to get. Listen NFL Cover Zero with Matt Jones and Drew Franklin on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dan]

I'm Dan. He's Ty.

[Tom Segura]

Hello.

[Dan]

And we're the Solid verbal College football Podcast.

[Ty]

Tune in for previews, recaps, bits you won't hear anywhere else, and all the emotional support you need as a college football fan.

[Dan]

Join us all season long as we ride the roller coaster of this ridiculous sport.

[Ty]

Listen to the Solid Verbal college football podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Dan]

We don't just love college football, Ty. We live it.

[Tom Segura]

I just think the process and the journey is so delicious. That's where all the good stuff is. You just can't live and die by the end result.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's comedian Phoebe Robinson. And yeah, those are the kinds of.

[Tom Segura]

Gems you'll only hear on my podcast, the Bright side.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm your host, Simone Boyce. I'm talking to the brightest minds in entertainment, health, wellness and pop culture. And every week we're going places in our communities, our careers, and ourselves. So join me every Monday and let's find the bright side together. Listen to the Bright side on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.