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This episode is sponsored by Brevo, Collective and Shopify. Brevo is your all in one marketing and CRM platform that helps you turn

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I'm Kaitlin Rhodes and today's episode is one that honestly feels a little personal, a little uncomfortable, but a lot of necessary. Because today we're talking about something that most women have experienced, but no one talks about this directly. And that is that the idea of being friends with people who feel supportive to your face but you're not quite sure what happens when you leave the room. We're going to talk about that today. I want to talk about what it looks like to stop being friends with people you can't trust when you're not there. I've been testing different habits, habits that could change my life. And one of the habits that I wrote down recently was this. Choosing friendships that feel safe even when I'm not in the room. Not just to my face, but behind my back too. And the older I get, the more I realize something very, very important. Loyalty isn't proven in conversations with you. Loyalty is proven in conversations about you. And I think one of the most mature and life changing things that a woman can learn is is how to choose friends who make her name feel safe. Because real friendship feels steady. It's not uncertain. It doesn't leave you feeling weird or worse. When you leave a conversation, you don't go home and have butterflies in your tummy. You shouldn't have to guess who's for you. And today I want to teach you how to recognize when your name might not be safe. And more importantly, how to stop tolerating that. Because this isn't just about friendships. This is about self respect. Before we jump in if you're listening right now and this topic resonates with you, I want you to come connect with me over on Instagram @CallHerCreator, because guess what? I share a lot more of these real conversations about growth, about boundaries, building your life intentionally, and becoming the kind of woman who protects her mother truck in peace. Right? And honestly, some of the best conversations happen with me in the comments over there and the DMs after these episodes go live. So if this episode speaks to you, come find me at. Call her creator over on Instagram and let me know you listened. I always love hearing what resonated the most with you guys. So, okay, let's just get into today's episode. All right? I think one of the hardest parts about friendships like this is that nothing looks obviously wrong. Okay? Everything is probably fine, dandy, normal feeling. Kind of like you don't have anybody screaming at you. Nobody's openly disrespecting you. Nobody's saying, hey, I'm talking behind your back. I'm not being loyal to you. No, it's nothing like that. And it's. It's actually very subtle. Right? You're gonna have these feelings in the pit of your stomach, and you're going to see patterns. It's little moments that your brain tries to explain away, but your gut is unable to ignore it. And the first sign this might be happening is something very simple. You feel different energy after group hangouts. Have you ever walked into a room and suddenly the conversation changes? Or you feel like you missed something, or there's a pause when you join, or someone says, oh, we were just talking about you. And then they laugh, and then you laugh, but something inside of you feels weird. Your nervous system notices before your brain does. That feeling is data, okay? And I think as women, we're taught to override that data. And we tell ourselves things like, oh, I'm just being sensitive, or I'm overthinking it, or maybe they didn't mean it like that. But sometimes your intuition is picking up on patterns that your conscious mind hasn't processed yet. And I know that I've been in situations where, you know, it's all fine and dandy. You're in the group talking, blah, blah, blah. But you leave and you go home and you feel like an elephant is just sitting on your chest. You feel worse than you did when you first got into that group. Something feels off. And another sign is what I like to call little comments. Okay? These sound something like, she didn't mean it like that. Or it was just a joke, or you know how she is. Oh, you know how she is. I hate that one because. No, we don't. It. It doesn't need to be, you know how she is, or she's just like that. Then why are we friends with these people? Those are usually clues that your name is being discussed when you're not there. And the issue isn't that friends never talk about each other, because of course they do. We all do. We're women. But the issue is the tone. The issue is, what are they saying about you? Is your name being protected or is it being picked apart? Another huge sign is subtle competition. And this one is so common. You'll share a win and the energy drops. You share good news and the subject changes. Or you accomplish something and suddenly someone has to one up you. Or maybe they minimize it, or maybe they make a comparison. Safe friendships celebrate you. Safe women celebrate you. Safe women want you to win. Safe friends cheer so loud for you. Unsafe friendships are going to measure themselves against you. That one really hits home for me, right? Like, if. If we go back and we think about friendships that didn't make it, I can see where I wasn't the type that would talk about my wins. I would actually try to hide them because I felt like if we talked about the wins, I felt like I would. Like they wouldn't be my friend anymore or that I was taking too much attention from them. So that's a subtle sign, too. Like, if you can't celebrate your wins with someone or you feel weird sharing your good news, that is another huge sign that that friendship is not for you. Another big sign is when you feel like you have to explain yourself all the time. Like you just need to justify the choice that you made or how you're growing or your business is growing or what your schedule looks like or what your priorities are. And if you constantly feel like you have to defend your life all the time with this person, then your circle might not be safe. Because safe friendships don't make you feel like you're on trial. Okay? And maybe the biggest sign of all of this is the gut. The gut holds everything in, sister. So you. You wonder when you leave, what did they say about you? And if you're constantly wondering what someone says about you after you're gone, that's information. It's not paranoia. It's information. And think about, too. Are you around this person all the time? And are they constantly dogging somebody else? Are they talking crap about another friend? That when you're Both in front of that friend. It's all fine and dandy, and they're best friends. But as soon as that friend's not in the same room as you guys, this other friend is just talking mad crap. That is a sign, too, because whatever they're saying about that person, they're probably saying behind your back, too. So you gotta have that gut in there and feel it out. Now, the real question here is, if we feel these things, what makes us stay? And I think the answer is actually very human, because I've been there, where I've stayed in a friendship way too long. It was not serving me. It was actually depleting me of energy. It was making me question my worth. It was making me question my sanity. It was making me just feel not good about myself. And there's different reasons we stay in friendships, right? So sometimes we stay because of the history. You've known them forever. You grew up together. You just feel like you've gone through all these life stages together, that it feels wrong if you leave that friendship. Or sometimes we stay because maybe you haven't been in a lifelong friendship, but you just don't want the drama. You don't want the confrontation. You don't want the awkwardness. You don't want to have to explain. Maybe kids are involved, and if you break up this friendship, it's going to cause issues for your children, so you just tolerate it. And then sometimes people stay because they're just afraid of being alone. And that one's super real. I'm not this one. This is not me. I'm never. I like being alone, actually. But there are people out there that cannot handle being alone. So leaving a friendship can actually feel like they're going to step into an empty space. Even when those friendships aren't aligned anymore, even if they are getting treated like dog doo doo, familiarity feels safe even when it's not. And sometimes we stay because we think loyalty means staying no matter what. But loyalty goes both ways. And if someone isn't protecting your name, you are allowed to reevaluate that friendship. So let's talk about how to stop accepting this treatment. So this is where I really want to teach you guys. Because this episode isn't just about recognizing unhealthy friendships, but it's about changing how you move through them. So the first step here is raising your friendship standard, right? You have to decide that loyalty is a requirement to be your friend. It's not a bonus. It's not a nice to have. It's a requirement that Means you have to choose friends who protect your name, who recommend you, who celebrate you, who defend you, who speak very well of you even when you are not in the room. Especially when you are not in the room. And this is a non negotiable, guys, this is a non negotiable because if they're doing the opposite of that, then guess what that is. That means they're not protecting your name, they're actually bashing it. They're not recommending you. So these opportunities that are perfect for you, they're making sure you don't get brought up, they're not defending you, they're not speaking well of you, they're actually speaking terrible about you. Those are the opposites of what a real friendship standard looks like. Step two here is watching actions instead of words. And this is a big one for me. This is one that I say it out loud, it sounds so good, but it's hard to remember. But nice is not the same as loyal. Some people are very kind to your face, they can put on a show, but they are super careless with your name. Real loyalty shows up in those behavior patterns and it's not in just the compliments. But how do they treat you as a friend? What are their actions like? Step three here is testing that trust slowly. You don't have to over share everything. And this is another one I struggle with. Because when I'm friends with you, I'm friends with you. And you gonna know everything about me and I'm gonna know everything about you. Like when I love, I love hard, hard, hard. We are becoming family. We're sisters. If we're friends, you're probably gonna be my best friend. I'm probably gonna get on your nerves and you're gonna just, you're gonna become my family. But what I'm learning as I grow up as an adult, first off, I ain't trying to make more friends anymore. I'm really not. Like, I know a lot of people in business, like that's their whole thing is to connect with as many people, make friendships. You pat my back, I'll pat yours. But mine is actually like removing. I'm removing people from my circle. So when it comes to meeting new people, I. You're not going to see me overshare anymore. I'm not giving people access to my whole life immediately. I've been there, done that ends up biting you in the tail. So I try to go in it very small. Sharing something small about me, watching what happens, making sure does that stay private or does it Travel. Because guess what? Information that travels reveals that trust level, right? So there's like that test phase with my friendship. And step four is pulling back quietly. And I want to say something important here. Growth does not always look like this big, dramatic exit. Like, I'm not friends with you and everyone's going to know about it. It doesn't need to be that. Sometimes growth just is this distance that happens slowly. You see them less and less. You share less and less. You protect more. You create that space between you. You don't make a big announcement. Not every ending needs a speech. You just pull back quietly. Step five is building a better circle. Because you live, you learn, right? You learned what you don't want. And it's so much easier to leave the wrong table when you're finding that right table, the one that pulls up a chair before you've even gotten to the table. And the right friendships feel different. They calm your heart. They feel steady. They don't feel like you're having to prove everything all the time. When you leave a get together, you feel energized. You feel refreshed. You don't feel like someone just took your heart out of your chest. You'll feel supported. And you don't have to guess. I think that's my favorite part about finding a new person to add to my circle. That feels good. I don't have to guess. It's either it is or it isn't. And you feel that in your gut. Here's what a safe friendship looks like. They say your name in rooms of opportunity. They recommend you without being asked. They're your biggest fan. They celebrate your wins without comparing whatever's going on in their life. They defend your character when you're not there. They speak very highly of you even when there's nothing for them to gain. And maybe the biggest sign, you never wonder what they say after you leave the room. Safe friendships feel so peaceful. Not confusing, just pure peace. There's a Maya Angelou quote that I love, and it says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. And I think that applies so perfectly to friendships because patterns tell the truth. And anytime that I've ever been in, you know, a friendship where it doesn't work out, and I replay the entire friendship back in my head. Like, I get obsessive over it until I figure it all out. But there are. There are points when I do this, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember this happened as soon as I met them. Or, oh, yeah, there was a Couple moments where this happened and I should have known. You ever feel like that? You ever get those, like, you know, it typically happens when I'm in the shower, right? You're just thinking about, oh, I should have said this, I should have done that. That's where I just get these flashbacks like, oh, that happened. Why didn't I not see it? Oprah Winfrey says, surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher. Not people who tolerate your success, but people who celebrate it. And those are my kind of people. Because guess what? I'm that kind of friend. If you win an award or you get promoted or maybe you just had a good day, someone bought you coffee, I'm going to mother truck and celebrate you because you deserve it. You are queen in my life. When we're friends, I will be your biggest fan. Brene Brown says trust is built in very small moments. And we have to remember that. Those tiny moments, those tiny patterns, those tiny signals, making a new friend, looking for better friendships. It doesn't have to be this big thing. It's just like, it's usually those things that happen naturally, authentically. Like, I actually made a really good new friend within the last, like, year or so, and it just happened because our kids were friends. It's easy. I don't have to give her a play by play. We don't spend too much time together. But when we do spend time together, it's easy and fun and seamless. And I love it. And those are the moments that make you realize, okay, this is. This is good. I want friendships where my success is safe. I want friendships where my growth is safe, where my name is safe, where my children are safe, my husband are safe. Like, you love me as much as I love you, and you're allowed to want that, too. I also want you to hear me when I say this. Outgrowing friendships is not betrayal either. It's alignment. And sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is stop sitting at tables where your name isn't respected anymore. I don't care how long that friendship has been there. It doesn't matter. You have to have some self respect for you. You have to also know, like, we're getting older, lives change, people grow up. People go down different paths outgrowing friendships. It's just you aligning with your current life. All right, I really hope you guys liked this episode. I really want to ask you a favor. If you've listened to any episode of Call Her Creator and you've ever thought, wow, I really liked that. Please leave me a review. Apple Podcast, Spotify. Wherever you listen to podcasts, there's usually a place to leave a review. And the second biggest thing you could do for me is to send this episode to a friend. All right, I will see you guys next week.