← Call Her Creator with Katelyn Rhoades
Call Her Creator with Katelyn Rhoades
142. You Don’t Have to Be the Bigger Person (Especially When You Didn’t Cause the Problem)
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Today's show is sponsored by Strawberry Me. Are you actually where you want to be in your career right now, or do you wake up most days feeling like you're capable of more? You're just not sure how to get there. I have been in your shoes, but here's the truth. Success doesn't just magically happen. Y'.
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All.
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You don't have to be the bigger person, especially when you didn't cause the problem. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Call her creator. This is going to be the first episode of the unfiltered series where I drop the highlight reel and I have real conversations that are honest with you. The stuff I'm feeling, thinking, navigating, maybe you're feeling it too, but you don't have the word. That's where I come in. These episodes are going to be a little more raw, a little more personal, and today's topic is very personal. Like, really, really. And I have a feeling that it's gonna hit for a lot of you. So sit back, relax, and let's talk some unfiltered conversation right now. Have you ever been in one of those situations where something happened, there was tension, there was discomfort, maybe there was a blow up, a blowout, who knows? But instead of resolution, you found yourself being the one chasing for the resolution. You were the one that was reaching out, following up, trying to smooth things over, trying to fix it, but you were getting nothing back. No response, no ownership, no conversation. If I'm being really honest, I believe that when these situations arise, it's typically because deep down the person that you're chasing knows their behavior had a lot to do with it. But instead of facing that, they avoid it. And somehow we make it our responsibility to fix it all. Like, we have to be the bigger person. We need to make it right. And that's what I'm talking about today. Because I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. So let's talk about this trap that us women fall into. Okay? I think as women, especially ambitious, self aware, emotionally intelligent women, we've been conditioned to keep the peace, smooth things over, don't make things awkward, don't be too much, don't be too difficult. So when something does go wrong, we immediately look inward to ourselves, like we're the problem. What could I have done differently in this situation? How can I fix this? Maybe I should just reach out one more time. And this is crazy to me because this is exactly how I work. But what's crazy is even when I wasn't the problem or I didn't cause the tussle, I still will think that it was my fault. And that's the trap. What starts as emotional intelligence, nothing's wrong with you, by the way. That is your emotional intelligence can quickly turn into emotional over responsibility. So you start managing other people's behavior, other people's reactions, other people's avoidance. And before you know it, you're carrying something that really, truly was never yours to hold in the first place. And here's the truth that might sting a little. Sometimes people will go silent on you because accountability would require them to admit that they were wrong. Silence is easier for them. Avoiding it altogether is way easier than just accepting that maybe they screwed up. Out of sight, out of mind, let you feel uncomfortable. It's easier than them having to own their part in the story. And if you keep chasing, you're actually reinforcing that dynamic. And this is something that I truly, truly struggle with. If you keep chasing, you are just telling them like you're taking responsibility, like, I'll carry this. Don't you worry. I got this. I'm so sorry, but I really need you to hear me on this. And I need to hear myself on this. You're not responsible for fixing what someone else broke. There has been plenty of times in my life where I can look back and know for a fact that the other person was in the wrong. But because of the people pleaser that I am, and because I just feel so bad for people, I will take responsibility and forget all the details of what happened to make them feel better. Because that's the kind of person I am. I don't want anyone to hurt. I've hurt so much in this lifetime. I don't want anyone else to hurt. So I'll take responsibility for Something that I never even did or something that they did in the first place that caused this whole debacle. And if you're someone out there that's like, yep, me too. Like, I just want you to know that you're not alone and it doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, we're really sweet, good hearted people. But as I get older, I'm learning that that is self abandonment. And I want to live a life putting not. Not saying I want to put myself first, but I want self loyalty, self love, and not self abandonment. So I do have a couple of tips for you guys today and I'm gonna take these to myself because, listen, sometimes when I talk to you guys about these situations and I'm all like, yeah, you go do this, blah, blah, blah, it's for myself because I'm struggling with this internally. So I don't ever want y' all to think like, yeah, miss, you know, like, you got it all figured out. No, I don't. It's probably why I'm having the conversation is so that I can just get it myself. So let's get into the practical side because I don't want you guys to just feel seen or heard. I want you to leave with some tools to help you get over these situations. So the first step in handling all of this is to stop chasing closure from someone avoiding accountability. Closure doesn't always come from a conversation. I'll try my best to make it happen from a conversation. That's why I'll push, push, push, like, please, let's talk about this. But that's not what closure comes from. Like, I think we've been taught that we need this big mutual understanding moment to move on. And sometimes you're just not gonna get that. Sometimes closure is just a decision that you have to make yourself. It's you saying, I've said what I needed to say. I showed up how I needed to show up. I am not chasing this person anymore. That's something that I had to do. Like literally this past year. If someone wants to meet you halfway, they will. They're allowed to. They can't. But if they don't want to, they don't want to, they're not going to. And you can't meet them. And when you keep reaching and they're not, at some point that stops being you trying and it starts just being that you're abandoning yourself. And that's what I was talking about when I talked about self abandonment earlier. You have to at some point be loyal to yourself and love yourself enough. I also don't want you to confuse maturity with silence. So being the bigger person has always been romanticized, but I'm gonna refine it for you. Being mature does not mean that you have to tolerate being disrespected. It doesn't mean that you have to suppress your feelings. It doesn't mean that you have to pretend that nothing happened. Can you raise your hand if you've been that person too? I'm. I've been that person. That nothing happened. What are you talking about? That never happened. Being mature in these situations means that you can have boundaries, you can communicate those boundaries clearly, and you can know when it's time to just walk the other way. Silence is not always strength. Sometimes it's avoidance, and sometimes it's you abandoning yourself to keep someone else comfortable. And that is not fair to you. Okay, number three, Let people sit in the consequences of their behavior. This one is hard. This one is very, very hard. Because your first instinct is to fix it, to smooth it over, to reach out, to make things feel more normal again. But here's the thing about that. People don't grow when you keep rescuing them from their own actions. They grow when they have to sit in their actions. When they feel that shift, they notice the distance when they realize, okay, something's off here. And if you keep stepping in to make it better every time, what are you teaching them? They're never actually having to face it. And then you end up carrying something that was never yours in the first place.
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Number four, regulate your urge to over explain or over apologize. I think this is like the biggest one that I struggle with. How many times have you typed message like, hey, just checking in, not sure if I did anything wrong, but if I did, I'm sorry when you didn't even do anything wrong. What are you talking about? Like you're apologizing just to make the tension go away. That's not clarity though, that's anxiety and that's people pleasing. And I get it because I do the same thing. But you don't need to water yourself down or over explain just to make someone else feel more comfortable. Say what you need to say, keep it clear, say it once, and then let it go, let it land. You don't need to chase a response after that. And then number five is protect your peace. And protect it without guilt. This is the one that really gets people stuck. Because it's not that you don't know what to do, it's that. That guilt that creeps in afterwards. You start thinking like maybe I'm being too dramatic or maybe I should just let it go, or maybe I'm overreacting. But no, you're not. You're responding to something that didn't sit right with you. And you're allowed to trust that gut feeling. Protecting your peace doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you cold, it makes you self respecting. And not everyone deserves unlimited access to you, especially if they've mishandled you. You can care, but you can still create distance. If you're in this right now, where you're questioning yourself, you're replaying conversations, wondering if you should reach out again, raising my hand here, I want you to know this. You're not crazy. You're not too sensitive, you're not asking for too much, you're just used to being the one who holds everything together. But this is your reminder that you don't have to do that anymore. And I want to leave you with this. You don't need a conversation to validate what you felt. You don't need a response to justify your boundaries. And you don't need someone else to agree in order for you to move on. If you showed up honestly and communicated clearly, if you gave it a real chance, that's enough. Let that be enough. Because the longer you keep chasing clarity from someone who's avoiding you, the more disconnected you're going to become from yourself. And you deserve better than that. You deserve relationships where you feel clear and respected, where you're not constantly questioning where you stand. This doesn't mean that you have to be loud or aggressive or stand too firm. It just means you're. You're going to be grounded. And if they can't meet you there, let them feel that distance. Let them sit in it. But you have to keep moving. You have to keep showing up fully and choosing yourself. And you stop shrinking just to keep people who are never willing to meet you in the first place. You can't shrink down anymore. If you like this episode, it would mean so much if you left me a five star review. It really helps the show grow and helps me reach more people who need these conversations. And if this topic hit for you, I actually have another episode that goes pretty hand in hand with it. It's called Never Explain Yourself to people who are Committed to Misunderstanding you. And it's a bonus episode that I recorded. If you go back into my podcast list, it's listed right after episode 119. So go cue that one up next. It's a good one. And I will see you next week.