← Call Her Creator with Katelyn Rhoades
Call Her Creator with Katelyn Rhoades
146. You Think You’re Independent… But This Is What’s Really Going On
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Launch your business with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com.com CHC and HomeServe. Protect your home systems at homeserve.com or become a fora advisor at foratravel.com CHC that's F O R A travel.com CHC what is up, everybody? Welcome back to Call Her Creator podcast. I'm Kaitlyn Rhodes and I am here to talk to you guys today about a topic that I shared on Instagram that actually started going viral for my little account. It's almost at 10,000 views and I have less than 10,000 followers. I don't know if we'd call that viral, but I'm like, okay, there's women out there that are connecting with us. We have to talk about it. So some of you listening right now, you pride yourself on being independent. You don't ask for help. You handle everything yourself and you just figure it out. I want to challenge you today. I. I think that the reason you do everything alone is not out of strength. And I know that's going to burn a little bit because I used to be like, yes, I'm this independent woman, like, don't mess with me. But I'm here to tell you that it is not independence, it's actually survival mode. And what if that pattern is the exact thing slowing you down, slowing down your growth, slowing down your life, your relationships, your business? We're going to get all into that today and I hope there is one of you out there. If you listen to this today and you're like, holy crap, you freaking spoke to me. Please send me a DM on Call Her Creator podcast. I need to know if I'm the only one. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's just me that feels this way. Um, but I know it's not, because that reel, like I said, I shared a reel about this. It got a lot of traction. Even my friends are commenting on it, and my friends don't comment on my stuff. Um, so I know it's gonna hit. So if it hits you today, do me a favor and let me know, because I wanna talk more about these unfiltered conversations. And that's what this is. This is a part of my unfiltered series where I get to talk to you guys about things that I'm personally struggling with or have struggled with in the past. Typically, it's. It's issues that us women deal with. The. The women that are either overly ambitious or we're just overly sensitive or we've been through some shit in our lives. Okay? And I'm going to tell you guys a little bit about that. I'll go into a little bit detail more about my background. If you've been following my Instagram page on Call Her Creator, you'll see that I've been sharing a lot of more personal, like, Pain Point, almost trauma dumping on you guys. But I'm tired of holding it all in. And I think there's a lot of women out there that struggle with some of the same struggles that I struggle with. And I think it's time for us to just talk about them out loud so we don't have to feel alone. And so, yeah, I'm. I'm pretty excited about today's podcast episode. So let's just get into it. So the real that I'm talking about, it says, I told my therapist I feel safest when I do things alone. And she said, that's not independence, that's grief. And it almost made me cry a little. It didn't make me cry. I'm a huge crier, inner little girl. Caitlin cried when she read that. I was like, ugh, what do you mean, that's grief? I thought I was mis. Independent, Ms. Self sufficient. No, that's grief, baby girl. That's grief. And I know many of you might hear that might sting a little, and you might be like, wait, what is she talking about? But hear me out, okay? You pride yourself on being the one who handles everything. You don't need Anybody, you've got it. But if we're being really honest with ourselves, it's not always strength that that comes from. Sometimes it's because that's all, you know, it's just what you had to become to survive. And today I want to talk about that. Like, why do we do this? How is it actually showing up in your life? Is it showing up in your business or your job? And how can you start letting people in without feeling like you're losing control? So not sure how personal I want to get here, but I'll start with this. My parents had me very, very young. My mom was 17, my dad was, like, 19. And I didn't have the role models in my life from my parents. Like, biologically, you look up to your parents and they're supposed to just shower you with love and kindness and, you know, raise you as a good human. But I. I did not get that from my parents. They were children themselves. And I want to make this very clear. I've actually had a lot of conversations with my mother, hard, honest conversations with my mother about all of this. And I have forgiven her for this. There a long time where we didn't talk about it, and I just held it all in and I dealt with it. But since then, like, I am a very. I'm. I've got a good head on my shoulders, and I can have conversations with people, tough conversations to get through them. So my mom knows I forgive her. I love her, and I truly hope one day that she can forgive herself, too. I noticed this morning mom was over here sending me a Facebook message, and it was just like, I'm so sorry for how things were when you were little, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, love you, mom. Like, I'm not going to hold that over her forever because things happen, and I'm a big believer in Jesus, and you got to forgive. And, you know, I like to move on from things. I don't want to mull over things for forever. So with that being said, didn't have the best parents in a way that build you up to your best potential. They did their best. But the truth of that is, when you grow up in an environment like that, you learn things very early on, right? You learn how to take care of yourself. You learn how to figure things out. You learn how to not rely on people. I spent a lot of alone time in my bedroom. My first sibling. I have three siblings. One's from my mom, and the other two are from my dad. But my first sibling didn't come TILL I was 8 years old because my parents had me so young, they ended up, you know, remarrying other people. So till eight years old, I was basically the only child. And I was doing a lot of things on my own. My parents just had other things. Again, they were young. They had their own trauma to deal with. So I just learned to do things myself. And it's not because anyone told me to do that or sat me down and taught me to do that, but it's just because life kind of showed me. And that's where I think a lot of this starts. Because a lot of us didn't become independent because it was a cool thing to do. And you might not have had, like, a traumatic experience like me or you. You might had a. You might have had very loving, great emotionally, their parents, but may something else caused you to be independent. Like, we all have our own stories, right? But at the end of the day, we became independent because we had to. You learned very young. No one's coming to save you. If something needs to get done, you're gonna do it. If you want something, you're gonna figure it out yourself. So now as an adult, you've built this identity around being the one who handles everything. You're the one who is thinking five steps ahead. You're the one who doesn't drop the ball. You're the one everybody can count on, right? And people probably praise you for that. You're so strong. You've got it all together. Look at what all you've built. You're so independent. I don't know how you do it all. It's like, I had no choice. And you wear that like a badge of honor. But what people don't see is the cost of all of that. Because underneath all of it is control, and it's fear. And if we're being really honest, it's a lack of trust. And it's not because something is wrong with you and you're broken inside and you just. You'll never get it. But it's because at some point, I'm freaking tearing up. At some point in your life, trusting people just didn't feel safe to you. Self sufficiency is often just unhealed survival mode in disguise. And I want to sit on that for a second, because that's not just a cute quote. That's psychology. When you grow up in an environment where things feel unstable or inconsistent or unpredictable, your brain just has to learn to adapt. It says, okay, I can't rely on this person that I'm biologically meant to rely on. So I'm gonna have to rely on myself. And that becomes your safety strategy. It's not your personality, but your identity. Right. It's your strategy. Let me ask you something. Have you ever had an idea for a business but you immediately thought, what if nobody buys? Or what if I don't know what I'm doing because I've been there? When I started my business, I didn't have a full team. I didn't have the perfect systems in place. I just had an idea and the willingness to figure it out as I went. And honestly, having a platform like Shopify would have made that process so much easier. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and literally powers 10% of all E commerce in the U.S. so what? Whether you're just getting started or scaling, it grows with you. You can build a beautiful online store with their ready to use templates, use built in AI tools to write product descriptions and content, and even run email and social campaigns all in one place. And one of my favorite parts, that shop pay button, it makes checkout so seamless, which means fewer abandoned carts and more actual sales. So if you've been sitting on an idea or you're ready to take your business seriously, it's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.comchc that's shopify.comchc okay, I have a question for you. Are you the friend who plans everything when it comes to trips? Like you're comparing hotels, finding the best spots, building the itinerary, and everyone else just shows up. If that's you, you've probably already thought like a travel advisor. You just haven't been paid for it yet. And that's exactly what Fora is built for. Fora is a modern travel agency for people who love planning travel and want to turn that into real income. They give you everything you need. The training, the booking tools, and a full community of advisors. So you're not figuring it out alone. And what I love is how simple it actually is. As a Fora advisor, you get access to over 7,000 travel partners, everything from luxury hotels to boutique stays. And you can offer your clients perks like upgrades, resort credits and late checkout, things most people don't even know how to access. And every time you book a trip, you earn commission. So if you're already the one planning the trips anyways, this is one of those, why am I Not doing this moment. Now's the time to turn your love for travel into something that actually pays you back. Become a fora advisor today@foratravel.com CHC that's F O R A travel.com CHC and make sure you tell them that we sent you. Psychologists call this a form of hyper independence, and it's usually rooted in one thing, and that's protection. It's crazy, like, when we really get super deep with all this stuff, psychology, trauma, all that stuff at the end of the day, like, we're mammals and there's so much science into it, and there's so much of us that came from ancestry and, you know, like the stone ages and us living in caves and relying on our family for things. It's. It's wild. I highly suggest reading on more about that if you are interested in stuff like this, but your nervous system is trying to keep you safe. It's trying to keep you safe from disappointment, from being let down, from feeling out of control or like, feeling like you need something from someone and not getting it. So you just don't ask. Instead of risking that, instead of risking disappointment, being let down, feeling out of control, you just don't ask. You eliminate the risk altogether. And that's where us independent women come in. Because you don't ask, you don't depend, you don't need. Because needing feels dangerous. Here's the part that no one's gonna tell you. That strategy, way of thinking works, and it probably got you where you are today. It's made you capable, it's made you driven, it's made you resilient. But do we want to live in survival mode our whole life? Because what works in survival mode doesn't always work in growth mode. And the same pattern that protected you back then is now that thing that's gonna keep you overwhelmed, overextended, and honestly, a little bit disconnected. You're still operating like everything depends on you. Like, if you don't do it or get it done or if you let go or something falls apart, it's on you. But what we have to do here is we have to rewire our brains because we're not in that same environment anymore. You don't need to survive like that anymore. And this is where that shift starts. Not by forcing yourself to suddenly just depend on everybody you know and start making everybody do everything for you, but no, by. By recognizing, okay, this is who I am, and this is how I learned to stay safe. And then once you can see it for what it is, then you can start choosing something different. So let's talk about how this shows up in real life. So if you're a business owner or just working, this can look like you not delegating things. This can look like you redoing your team's work. I'm raising my hand. This can be you saying you want to scale, but you don't trust anyone to carry that vision. Maybe in relationships, you don't ask for help, you don't tell people what you actually need. You handle everything quietly, and then you feel resentful when no one steps in. In your daily life, you're overwhelmed, you're exhausted, you're stretched very thin. But then on the outside, you're still telling everyone, it's fine, I got it. What's funny is, like, you know that meme of that dog that's sipping his coffee and then the house is on fire in the back? That is my life. It's fine, everything's fine. But inside you're dying. How can you spot these patterns so that you can work through them, make this super practical, Right? So maybe you say things like, I'll just do it myself. It's easier, it's faster if I just do it. No one does it like I do. I don't want to bother anyone. But what's actually underneath those statements, this is wild, is I don't trust this to get done right. I don't trust someone will show up for me. I don't trust that I'll be supported. Another sign if you feel low key annoyed when people offer help or you say yes, but then you still take control of it. I've done that before. Or maybe you're craving support, but you don't know how to receive it. That's the one that people don't talk about too. Because asking for that help is one thing, but receiving it is a whole different skill in itself. Mel Robbins says, no one's coming. It's up to you. And that's a quote that I live by. I will create a life that I am so passionate and in love with. And I probably annoy the hell out of people with my ambition and with all the things that I'm doing, but I have to, because I know that no one else is going to do it for me. And there's some of that childhood trauma where I know that no one's coming to save me, so I gotta do it myself. And I just, I think a lot of us took that quote from Mel Robbins. No one's coming to save you. It's up to you. And they ran with it, but they ran with it in the wrong direction. Because, yes, you are responsible for your life, but that does not mean that you have to do it all alone. And here's the cost of doing it all alone. Let's talk about what happens when you choose not to ask for help or take help. Because it can feel super productive. It can even feel like you're being very responsible. But it can also keep you stuck. So in your business, it will keep you small. You cannot scale. If everything runs through you, you will be the bottleneck of your business. In your life, it keeps you disconnected from other humans. You can't have deep relationships with people if no one gets access to that real you. And mentally, above all, it is so exhausting because you are carrying everything. You're thinking about everything. You're holding everything together. And then you're wondering why you're freaking tired at 8pm or you're feeling burnt out. There's a reason that teams win championships and not just individuals, because even the most successful people in the world have support. They actually have way more support than you think they do. Oprah didn't build her empire alone. Sarah Blakely did not build Spanx alone. Even athletes that are winning gold medals, they're not doing that alone. They have coaches. So why do we think we're supposed to do life alone? Here's some ways I want you guys to start shifting this in your day to day life. I really like. If we have a goal next 30 days, I want you to start working on these things. And I'm not gonna tell you to just, hey, start asking for more help. Cause I can tell you that. And you're just gonna be like, okay, and then not do it. And I know that's too simple. So here's what we're gonna start with. First, I want you to just recognize and catch the moment where you say, I'll just do it myself. And when you do that, I just want you to pause. That's the work. I want you to pause and realize what you're doing and recognize the pattern. And then when you do pause and you're like, oh, I'm doing it again. Ask a better question for yourself. So don't say, I'll just do it myself. Instead say, how can I handle this? Who could support me with this? You're not just going to dump it on someone and you're not avoiding responsibility, but you're going to allow support to step in. And then the Third part of all of this is to just start small, start very tiny. You don't need to go from hyper independent to fully dependent overnight. Which is feels so bad for my husband because I'm doing a lot of inner work on all of this for the last year since I got my Hashimoto's diagnosis and one of the biggest drivers for all of that is stress. I have been working on de stressing myself, calming my adrenals, all the things. And so he's so supportive. I literally like, it's like walking into a door and falling into someone's arms. That's what I do to him. It's really not fair. I need to like pick my shit up and stop relying on him for everything. But he treats me like a princess. And sometimes it's really nice to have that because we've been together for 15 years, we've been married for 10. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last week. Um, and it's taken 15 years for me to fully trust him with helping me with things. Truly. Like a year ago, he made a joke the other day, he's like, you're getting really spoiled with all of this cuz he helps me with so much stuff. And I'm like, oh my God, stop. I'm your princess. But a year ago I would not have been like that. So I think it's, I think it's healing. I'm in my healing era and I'm accepting it. And so again, I don't need to go fully dependent on him, but I am accepting a lot more from him. So ask for help with something low stakes. Let someone take something off your plate. Let them do it differently than you would and don't jump in and fix it. I did this yesterday actually, at the agency. Gracie is one of our senior social media managers. She does a badass job. She can create content like a queen. She does a lot of my content that you see on my page. And she gets so in her head that she's not as good as she really is. And so yesterday she's like, hey, before I send this over to the client, can you please look it over and like rip it to shreds, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, sure, cool, yeah, I'll do it when I get back. I was at lunch, when I got back, I sat down with her for a minute and I'm like, you know what, I'm not, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna trust you on this one, little girl, because you are a queen. You're a star. You're fricking badass. You know what you're doing. And if I get in there, yeah, I might change things because it's the way that I do things. But you are. She is so fantastic. I don't need to jump in and fix it. So I told her, I was like, send it off. Full send. You got the green light from me. And she's like, okay. And then we talked later on Slack and she's like, I agree with you. Sometimes I get in my head and I just, I don't need to send stuff to clients and be like, do you like this? It needs to be more like, hey, I created this based off this. X, Y, Z. Here you go. Get me your edits by, you know, time frame. So we're still working on that. I think that's a just a thing too, with anybody that does work services and wants to be really good at their job. But the fourth part of all of this is to separate that control from safety. So a lot of you will feel safe when you're in control. But control is not the same thing as safety. You're safe even when you are supported. I promise you. That's the shift. And that's where I pull in my husband on this, because he makes me. I feel so safe letting him take control of more things. So that's the shift. Feel safe giving up control. I honestly used to think that being the one who handled everything was like a superpower. Like, I'm a badass. I wore it like a badge. I was the one who could figure it out, fix it, carry it, hold it all together. In my business, in my life and my relationship, I was that girl. But I'm now realizing that wasn't a superpower. That was just me not letting anybody in. It showed up in my business first. Well, actually it showed up in life. Then it showed up in my business. And then with business, I said I wanted to grow, I said I wanted to scale, but I didn't trust anyone to actually help me do it. I would hire people and then still keep a hand in everything and I'd redo things and I'd over check it things. And I think five steps ahead, like, if I didn't stay on top of it, something would fall apart. And that really just kept me stuck way longer than I'd like to admit. Even with my team, I had to learn how to actually let go. Not just assign something, but trust that it was handled without me hovering over it. And that was very uncomfortable because again, Control feels safe. Same thing in marriage. There's moments where I wouldn't ask for help even when I needed it. I just take it all and then feel overwhelmed and then maybe even have a little bit of resentment, like, why am I doing all of the things? But the truth here is I never gave anyone the chance to show up for me. Are you giving anyone the chance to show up for you? That's a really hard self reflection question for us to ask ourselves. Because it's easy to say I've got it than it is to say, actually, I need your help with something. But as I've grown, I've realized the version of me that built everything by doing it all alone is not the same version of me that's going to take me to the next level. Growth started to happen when I let people in, when I trusted my team more, when I communicated more, in my marriage. I. When I stopped trying to control every outcome. And it's still something I'm working on to this day. It doesn't just magically get better overnight. It's something that I am actively working on. But I can see it now. What I used to call independence was really just me protecting myself. I was surviving. And I don't want to live like that anymore. And you shouldn't either. Just feel like I lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders by saying all of this out loud. So I hope you enjoyed it and appreciated this conversation. If this episode hits you, I. I want you to sit on it with this question in mind. Where in your life are you saying I've got it? When you actually need support, you don't have to prove that you can do everything alone anymore. You've. You've already, you've already proved that to us. So now the real growth is learning how to let people in. And I'm. I'm hoping that if this resonated with you, you will share it with someone who needs to hear it. Because I think there are a lot of women out there that need to hear this. There might even be men out there that need to hear this too. But I can only speak from a woman's perspective. But I promise you, you're not the only one who's carrying everything right now. All right, I hope you guys like this episode. Please leave me a five star review and we will talk next week. Thanks.