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Call Her Creator with Katelyn Rhoades
How to Rewrite Your Story: Healing, Forgiveness, and Reinvention with Riana Malia
00:31:22
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So today I'm sitting down with someone whose work has impacted hundreds of women, stepping into their next chapter with clarity, confidence and ease. Rihanna Malia. She's a speaker, author and reinvention strategist who created the Clear to Create method and the Quantum pattern protocol. So this framework, this, what this does is this helps high achieving women clear emotional patterns, rewire subconscious cycles and lead them to deep alignment in life, love and legacy. I'm so excited. From her sold out brilliance brunch events to her immersive private coaching experiences, Rihanna has built a reputation for helping women shift from burnout to brilliance, confusion to clarity, and heartbreak to wholeness. Her work has been featured in Brilliant magazine, Women of Influence, the Mamahood blog, and multiple top podcasts. And today she's here to share her story, her, her method, and her mission to help women clear what no longer belongs so they can finally create from their deepest truth. Hey, friend. Welcome back to call Her Creator. Powered by your all in One Creator Store. Stan. Stan is the easiest way for you.
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To make money online.
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All of your courses, digital products and bookings are hosted within your link in Bio. If you're ready to start your free trial, visit my show notes and click my affiliate link to get started today. All right, Rihanna, that is a mouthful. You are so powerful. You've got a lot of brilliance in there. So I'm so excited to dive in. So I love starting the conversation kind of with your story, your founder story. I want to empower women out there that we can honestly become whatever we want to be if we follow the right steps.
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Yes.
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So can you take us back to what led you here?
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Yes. It's kind of a long journey, but I think the best stories are right. Yes. Um, I'm going to try to be as succinct as possible to manage our time. So it really started as a child of growing up with a single mom. My dad wasn't really around. He had another family. We lived in Minnesota, he lived in California. Um, I had this incredible grandparents, Bumpy and Grammy. They were my anchors.
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So me too. I literally, like, I give everything to my grandparents, my nana and papa.
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Yes. So we're so lucky. Like, there's no magic like that. So growing up, it was, you know, father wasn't really around very much. Maybe once a year, here and there. Fast forward, going off to college. He says, listen, I never really helped. You didn't help your mom. I'm going to take care of room and board. I'm like, great, that's amazing. Thank you. Really Appreciate that. So I get to college, 18, excited about this new chapter of life. And about two months in, they call me and say, hey, the bill was never paid and you're maxed on loans. So I had to make a choice. Should I just forget it and leave school or tap into that part of me that is super resourceful. So I left campus. I rented a five bedroom house, I filled the other four bedrooms, I got three jobs, and I figured it out. Now, I didn't have a very fun college experience, but I did it right. So. But that was like a pivotal cementing that I wasn't important. Like, you know that just that the. You kind of long for that relationship with a father. I mean, I had my bumpy, thank God, but it was, you know, there was still that piece where it was like that hope and then the crushing, just kidding, you don't really matter all that much. So fast forward. I got married very young at 23, and I was certain that no one was gonna love me and I was gonna be an old cat lady, so I should probably get married now. Also, it's the Midwest. We get married a little younger, but 10 out of 10 don't recommend. You don't know who you are. 23. My Baby Girl just went. She came home for the weekend from college. She's gonna be 22 in November. She's a baby. You don't get married. Anyway, I digress. So got married. Knew before we got married that there was something just off. But I was determined that this was the path. And it was a lonely marriage, frankly. And I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what could I do better or differently. And ultimately, you know, we had our miracle baby, Maddie. And you know, we did not. We were. We had sex maybe a couple times. I got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Two years later, we were had sex again. I got pregnant with Maddie. We were never together again. And she literally was a miracle child. So no matter what, I don't have any regrets. Right? But the divorce, that felt like it was going to be super kind of easy and amicable turned crazy and volatile and insane. Bad Lifetime movie. And it just, it was heartbreaking and it was exhausting. And so at that time, Maddie was about 6. And so I did all the things I was told to do. I went to therapy, I talked about it with my girlfriends, I read the books, I did the Brene Brown thing, I did the journaling. I did all the things. And while all of that has benefits, it doesn't really fix the stuff. It doesn't really heal you. It doesn't really move the needle. It's beneficial. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti therapy, but when you stay in the therapeutic loop, that's where you stay. And you never really move forward. You're just stuck in the past and the drama and the pain and the story. So about three years later, my dad had been like, back in, like, in and out doing stuff. Come see us, whatever. He came to visit in the spring and said, hey, listen, I think now is the perfect time. You guys should move to California and, you know, come take over this family business. And I was like, well, my mom had just had a surgery and they nicked a nerve. And she did nails her whole life. She couldn't lift her arm, so couldn't leave her. I have two horses and three cats, you know, and he's like, I'll build a barn. Bring your mom, take care of everybody. It's going to be amazing. We have this capital. You can do it. Just take it, make it yours. And Maddie gets to grow up in this, like, magical little town at the base of Mount Tam. And I was born in Maui. I am an island beach girl. That 40° below zero Minnesota winter was not for me. And I was tired, right? I was exhausted emotionally. I was sad when Maddie wasn't with me, when she had to go be with her dad. I was working. I was. I've always been in the personal development and coaching space, but I was also working inside of oncology and being practice development for this independent oncology group in the Midwest. And so it was wonderful. And it was hard. And there was that part of me that said, I just want a minute of easy. Like, I just want to breathe. I'm so freaking tired. And I feel like I'm kind of in this thing. So I was like, oh, my gosh. And everything inside me said, absolutely not. And it wasn't red flags. It was a fricking billboard in Times Square, like, flashing screaming lights. My two best girlfriends were like my chosen sisters. Like, tears, like, no, why this? You can't trust him. Like, what do you know? So I did it anyway because we want. I wanted what I wanted, right? And I made a promise to Maddie. She was nine. And I said, I'm only gonna uproot your life one time, I promise you. Because I moved around a lot as a child. Lots of states, moms, marriages and relationships, whatever. And so we packed up my mom, my baby girl, three cats and two horses, and drove Cross country and moved to California. Now, I didn't know anybody here, so I got here and threw myself into this life and building this business and doing some really wonderful things that were really exciting. And I had a pit in my stomach, and I knew that something was wrong. And I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't pinpoint it. And I just kept trying to ignore it because I just declared to the world that this was the right thing to do. Six months, seven months in, I was in the back. We were getting ready for holiday, and there's a guy there that had been helping in the business prior to me moving. And he came to pick up the mailers to take to Tiburon. Whatever. All of a sudden, I hear all this ruckus. The next thing I know, there's guns pointed at my head. I'm surrounded by federal agents, and I'm putting handcuffs.
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No.
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And they go on to tell me that they've been investigating and following. And, like, they had stopped the UPS truck and take the box, took the boxes off that were. That they picked up that morning. And he said, did you pack? Did you use this, your box? And I said, well, I only pack my. My own when it's for SkyMall. Because I was so excited. Do you remember that SkyMall magazine that used to be, like, in Delta Airlines? I got our beautiful towers into SkyMall, and it was such a. I was so proud of that. And I said, yes, that's a sky mall. I packed that. Federico does all the rest. So they opened it. There was nothing in it. They took it back out. The UPS driver was waiting. Like, they coordinated this whole sting or whatever. And we don't have time to go into all the details, but let me just say, like, my world, obviously, in that moment, imploded. And so there was illegal things happening. And now I had to make a decision because now I have no business to run. This dream relationship of our family being together is destroyed. And do I take us back to Minnesota, back to our chosen family, which I could have in a heartbeat? Or do I keep my promise and break this generational disappointment not keeping your word stuff? So I tapped into that part of me again, and I stayed. And several hundred thousand dollars in credit card debt later. But Maddie flourished here, and I went back to therapy. You can imagine, because obviously, this is the biggest betrayal, far worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Like, who does that? Not only put my life in danger, but my baby and my mom. And so it became clear to me, and I was Writing him letters and not sending them, of course, because he's the classic narcissist. And you can't feed into that because then they just want more. And. But what I noticed was I was either so sad or so freaking angry. And I just felt so broken. And I was ashamed and I was embarrassed, and there was stuff on the newspaper, and I had to go in. And I was, you know, working with real estate developing company, and I had to, like, go in there and, like, in tears, say, can you please pull all the Marin ijs out of the office? I'm. Because I was just, like. I was so gutted. But then I realized again, like, I'm either sad or angry. I don't get. I'm not present. I'm not being the best mommy. Maddie knew nothing. I was able to keep it all from her. She didn't know anything. Even though she came home and all these police were there from school. And I hold it off to this thing happened on the side lot, whatever.
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What a good mom that is. The first step, by the way, is.
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Not putting that stress on. That is not for. In fact, she didn't know until she was going off to college. She didn't know any of this that ever happened for nine years.
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That's huge. That's huge.
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So anyway, I realized that I was never going to move forward and have the life that I wanted and give her the life that I desperately wanted if I just kept in this place, place of pain and struggle and anger and pissed off and sadness and just this broken. I can't believe this is happening. And there was a moment where I don't. I don't even remember, quite frankly, who it was. Somebody introduced me to some kind of work that then became the basis for my life's work. And in a matter of weeks, there was parts of me that I didn't recognize in all the best way. And I would let. I let go of that. It wasn't mine to carry. And I fully, fully, fully forgave Michael. But he doesn't get a seat at the table. He doesn't get access to us. I haven't spoken to him in years. Despite all of the attempts of the guilt and trying to make me feel like a horrible person for not accepting his apology. But that's what alchemical forgiveness is, right? It's. It is saying you no longer get to control my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors, my circumstances in my life. Like, I'm taking that back and doesn't justify it, doesn't make it okay, but it's that same old thing, right? We drink the poison and we want them to die, but we die. They don't die. They don't. It doesn't bother them one way or another. So that love is what led me here. So I then started doing this deep dive and again I had years and years of coaching but really dove into this work. So you know, on the surface and these again, it's a lot of words nobody cares about. But I'm a, you know, an integrative somatic practitioner, neurosomatic practitioner. I am certified in quantum time release, which is a modality that is the most life changing thing ever. And it's multi dimensional and very few people use this work. I am certified as an evolved NLP practitioner, neuro linguistic programming and, and a master trained trauma conscious transformation coach for women. So this work is for the world. But privately I only do work with women because it just, that's what makes sense to me. And so from that became the methodology, right? So my tagline has always been your very best life. Like whether we've been besties for 50 years or we met at Starbucks yesterday, I want you to live your version of your very best life. And it's different for every one of us. But the truth is, is you can't just go from hanging on to old pain and trauma and betrayal and loss and shame and embarrassment and fear and guilt to just living your very best life. It doesn't work like that. So we have to clear first, right? We have to clear the story to create the life. People say, I want a different story, I want a different ending. If you want a different story, you have to stop telling the old one.
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Oh, I like that.
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So, because otherwise you just stay there, you'll never get to move forward. It's why most ambitious, high achieving, heart led women never actually get. So we have to clear the cycles to create the confidence. So many of my clients come to me and they're like, I don't, I don't know, I don't trust my own decision making process because I thought I knew. And look how that turned out, right? Failed marriage, failed business, whatever it is. Like how do we know? We don't know. We don't know because we thought we knew and then it just blew up. We have to clear the patterns to create the partnerships we want aligned, genuine, deep, rich partnerships, personally and professionally. But if we bring all the old crap, all the old patterns, we don't get those partnerships. We just get more of the same, which is typically more of what we don't want. We have to clear the resentment to get the results. Because there's always some underlying somewhere along the way. Either you had to grow up too fast, you were the parent instead of the child, you had to carry the relationship or the business. We have to clear that resentment. So you actually get to live the life between now and dead that you want to be living. And we have to clear the loss to create the law. So that's the foundation. And then from that became the my framework, my quantum pattern protocol, which is three phases. Clear, create and claim. But before you can clear, you have to get clear. And that's why we start with clarity. Because again, it's amazing when I ask people on the other side of this, what are you doing or not doing differently than you're doing or not doing right now? What lights you up? What does life look like on the other side of stuck or healed or whatever word works for you. Which often evokes tears because for so many women in this time of life, it's like I don't know how to answer that. I've put everybody else first. My whole life. I was the good girl, or I had to prove my love, or I had to prove my worth to be loved, whatever it was. And now I don't know who I am. Maybe it's a divorce, maybe it's empty nesting. Maybe it's a transition in career. So it's kind of like if we went to a restaurant and said, hi, I'll have a beverage, a protein, a side and a salad. And they bring me a diet Coke, a pork chop, some carrots and a Caesar salad. I got exactly what I ordered. Now what I wanted was a glass of chardonnay, a beautiful piece of salmon, some roasted asparagus and an arugula salad with goat cheese and beets and figs, thank you very much. See the difference?
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Yes.
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Get what you asked for, you get what you ordered, not what you wanted. That's why clarity is so important. So we actually create your menu, do a value solicitation at the core of who you are. If these weren't present, it cannot be your non negotiables. Which for is hard for a lot of women because we get in that place of like 23 year old me who was certain nobody else was going to love me. And now, you know, at in your 30s or 40s or 50s or 60s going, well, maybe, maybe that's okay, maybe I'm just being too picky. And again, like the non negotiables are non negotiables. And on the other side of this work, two years ago next month, I will celebrate my two year wedding anniversary to the greatest love of my life. Amazing. Which I never thought would happen for me ever. Right? And I'm 49, so we got married when I was. I was 47. Second marriage for both of us, but we were both single for a very long time and focused on our kids, which made. I have one, he has three. So it made that really special because it wasn't a whole. Like, we've been in 50 relationships and put our kids through all this. Like, we put them first and then did. Built this in such a beautiful way. And I can't tell you, Caitlin, like, I every day think to myself, like, I literally can't believe this is my life, because after my divorce and then after moving to California and having this horrible relationship that, again, I just got into because I was. Felt that I was inherently broken and I was too much and not enough at the same time. And after that, I was like, okay, I made this list of what this person was like, from the little things to the fact that he either had dark hair or no hair, and he was taller than me. And he had to be a dad because you have to know what it's like to love a child, because Maddie's my world, but his kids can't be younger than Maddie because when it's empty nest time, it's. And I'm going to the beach, right? Like all these things. And I put it in a drawer. And years later, when I met Pete, like six months after we got engaged. So we were together three years before we got engaged. And I found this list, and there's like 40 things on it, and 37 of them are him.
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Stop.
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Because the clarity and the focus shifts everything. So that's my story. And that brings us to today.
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Oh, my gosh. The story. So you wouldn't believe, but our. Our stories are very similar. I am estranged from my father as well. And I've had the bad text and all that stuff, but then I'll have good sides of him too. So I finally just had to be like, okay, I have to block you out of my life because we. We can't communicate this way. I really need. Gosh, after this, I'm gonna hit you up about this healing because I need something. You had tears in my eyes at one point in all of this. Do you. When you start this process, is there. You talked about resentment.
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Yeah.
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Do you bring up forgiveness in this framework? Like, do you say that you need to forget. I know you talked about clearing that story. So does forgiveness. Is that required in all of this?
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So we do forgiveness work, but in a different way. So I want to mention because, you know, I think a lot of people, there's immediately a sense of, like, I don't want to tell somebody else's story. And the, the reason this work is so powerful is because we're tapping into that other 90%, the unconscious mind. So we're not going to go back into the story of what happened when you were five that made you think that I have to be perfect in order to earn love. And we're not going to go back into the relationship now. There are certain pieces where we're going to do cycle work. So we're going to pull information so we can see patterns throughout the lifetime, but we're not going to sit in the story because we don't need that to heal. And forgiveness is a. Is a huge part of it. But alchemical forgiveness, this is not about go. I mean, the person could be dead. The person could be living across the world. The person could be in your house. It doesn't make any difference. It's not about them. But we're going to shift the perspective around the forgiveness work as well. And part of the quantum change process of being able to see, and part of that I'll reveal some of the magic is when. When we look at something where you're. You've had a lot of pain and conflict with a person, and we, we really do list out all the ways in which they hurt you and how do they make you feel, and what are all the things you need to forgive them for? And then the question becomes, okay, when they were in childhood and adolescence, who made them feel that way? But they didn't have the resources or weren't resourced enough to clear and heal. And it brings a different level of perspective. And it also takes that off of you, that it was about you. So there's a lot of that. But we do it in a way that's painless and peaceful. We get to clear it together in a way that doesn't reinstall the traumatic neurology. Because every time you go back to the story and the memory and you repeat it and you tell about the divorce or about the dad and about. Right. And so there's a difference of standing in your story and on it. I can talk about this today with no tears and no pain, because I'm standing on it now.
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Years ago, you're in tears.
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I Couldn't even speak of it without just sobbing because there's so much shame and so much sadness and so much fear and brokenness in my heart that I couldn't ever imagine another side.
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When you talk about, you know, clearing, like, what no longer belongs and, you know, changing that story, can you share what that really looks like for women who feel stuck or give us an example of someone you've worked with?
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So there's the. There's the. There's the three phases, right? And inside of those three phases, there's kind of three steps. So when we clear what's no longer yours to carry and maybe never was, we start with the clarity, and then we do the dysfunction detox. So we get rid of all that stuff and we blow out the old strategy and neurology and behavior and ways of thinking and. And how we show up and how we process and filter. And we do that with quantum time release, which is this incredible experience. It's usually about three hours long. And it taps into the unconscious. So let me be clear. It's an unconscious process. That does not mean you're unconscious. We're just tapping into that part of you. So if you think about your body, everything from the neck up is our conscious mind. It's our goal setter. It is our critical faculties. It's everything we know. We know. We use it all day long. And it's 10%, which means the rest of our body, neck down. The other 90% is our unconscious mind. So if the conscious is the goal setter, the unconscious is the goal getter. It's the operating system, it's the general. It's also the literal library of everything we've ever experienced in this life. And we know now that memory is cellular. We think about it being in the brain, which it lives in the circuitry for sure, but it's cellular. So every experience you've had of anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, all those limiting beliefs and limiting decisions that have come from the trauma and loss live in our body. So when we go back to the story and we tell it again and we re. Traumatize our body, that cycle never ends unless we can release it. So in quantum time release, if you imagine a ribbon for every single one of those negative emotions, and every time in your life that you've had an experience with that, a marble goes on the ribbon. Sadness, anger, fear, they all have their own ribbon. So today, something happens that makes you angry, not so much about today. It's the 30, 40, 50 years of marbles that the Gestalt right? The sum of the parts that emotional weight is stored in the body. We get to release that without going back into any memory that caused the pain so that we can actually transmute that. Get the soul learnings of the truth of who you really are. Future pace and create new neurology with those emotions going forward. And it takes away the charge. You're not going to not feel those emotions, but that charge is gone. So when you think about something in the past where that used to be a problem and I asked you to specifically pull an event and you go, whoa. You would have asked me that three hours ago. My hands would have gotten clammy and my heart would have started racing and I would have had a pit in my stomach and I would have felt the anxiety come on. And the charges. Because when you get rid of all that, you get to actually then bring in what's meant for you. It's like a few weeks ago I cleaned my pantry and it was so chaotic and cluttered and it was driving me crazy. And I love organization, but I also am in perimenopause and have add. So stuff then sometimes just piles up and gets crazy. So I took everything out. Took me four hours. I took it all out. I put it in the kitchen, I threw away all this expired stuff and half open boxes of Orzo. And then I put it all back. So beautiful. And there's all this space. It's the same for us internally. All the old expired ways of thinking and stories and all the half open crap and all the stuff gotta get rid of it so that we can then fill it back up with the things that we want. Right? Or your closets full of clothes you'll never wear again. There's no room for anything new. So it's all part of that process. And then you move into the creating and really actually giving you the skills to go with the knowledge. Because if you blow out all the old stuff, you have to replace it. But that's why it's the missing piece. So much of this work is all about clarity and awareness and you have all these ahas. But then it's like, what the hell do I do with it? And it's why so many people will say to me, I've been in therapy for years, I've done all this work, I make progress, something happens. Life comes at you because it always will. And it's like bam. I just revert back to all the old because you didn't replace the neurology. And then we actually reverse engineer all those goals that now that we know what you want, progress, personally, professionally, wealth, health, doesn't matter. And we install that on your timeline, which ignites the reticular activating system in your brain to be laser focused for the things, the people, the opportunities, the resources, the experiences to actually make sure you get to live this life. And then you claim it, you own it, you integrate it and you embody it. And this is where you fully fall in love with yourself again and trust yourself and confidently hold boundaries and expertly communicate your needs and deepen the richness in every single one of those so that you get to live and lead and love from this new frequency and be her. And that's the legacy. I love that.
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What are some signs for women that are listening right now? What are some signs that they're in a cluttered state?
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You find yourself saying, how did I end up here again? Why do I keep marrying the same person or dating the same person? Why does every job I have, I hate my boss, nobody likes me, I end up leaving or getting fired or hating it so much. Why do I end up in the same money story? Why can't I lose this weight when I do all the things? Or you just know that there's more that's meant for you in your life. You don't know what it is or if you do know what it is, you have no idea how to get there because you're so stuck in the old story. Because. And it's not your fault. I want you all to hear me. It's not your fault. You're smart, you're emotionally intelligent, you're aware, you want to know. If you could have figured it out on your own, you would have done it already. This isn't about learning more, being more, fixing you. It's about clearing what isn't need to be there anymore.
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I love this. How. How do I or anyone listening to this get to work with you? How can we contact you? Where do we go?
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Absolutely. So my rihannamalia.com website, all the socials are Rihanna, Malia, Instagram, Facebook, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, you can get on my my, my inner circle of love. So I send you love letters every week.
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A
So need it.
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B
And then you know to. There's a beautiful thing I would like to give your audience to in closing is that I spent the last year working with a team of brilliant geniuses in creating a diagnostic based on my work. And it's called the le, which is the Extraordinary Love Index. And it's not just about romantic love. It's self love.
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It's all of it.
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But it's 40 questions and it's in depth. Looking at nine key areas that kind of mirror my framework, but it shows you with precision. I send you a 28 page report looking at all the areas and what your scores are and what you might be experiencing in life. What's the cost of staying there and what can you do right now to start shifting it? And it's so insightful. Like every human should take it. So the LE is available as well. And then, you know, if you want to have a conversation, there's a little application and then you can apply to have a call and I will offer, you know, I usually do like a, you know, it's a, usually a 250 consult call. But I would love to just. You like, I feel so energetically like connected with you right now that I would love to offer that to your listeners as a kid.
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A
Yeah. Oh, I love that. I'm going to link this in the show. Notes for everyone. Too funny. Today. My husband, my husband's out of the country, guys. So it's just me, mom over here and I have to kind of cut us short, but Rihanna, I want to have a part two and like deep dive some, some more on this. We, we need, we need to talk more on this. If you're open to it. I kind of want to get. I kind of want to just walk through, like, what it would actually look like for you to kind of do this with someone and really give us some feedback, maybe some tangible tips we can take away. Yes, obviously she can see me. You guys can't. But I've teared up several times while she's talking. And I think there's so many women out there that are, you know, overachievers because they're running from this trauma. And we need someone like you to be like, hey, slow down. Here's what we can walk through to calm your nervous system down and maybe, you know, give us some clear things to work on until they book a call with you. Yeah.
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And the great thing is this. This doesn't take years. Takes weeks.
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H. Love that because I've been to therapy. I've done all the things I've given forgiveness, but I still am hurting inside. And I would love to walk through, walk through this with someone like you who's experienced it too. You're not just talking the talk, but you guys heard her story. Holy crap. Like, she had the feds at her because of literally the person who gave life to her. And that's where that's the hardest thing. It's they're the people close to you.
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B
That hurts the most.
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So I'd love to do that. How can they follow you? Are you on Instagram?
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Instagram, Facebook, all at Rihanna. Malia R I a M A M A L I A. You go to the website, you can also click through the socials there. You can get on the list. You can see what events are coming up. You can take the le. All the things.
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A
Love it. All right. And I will easily. I'll put it in the show notes for you guys, too, so we can easily click to it. Rihanna. This was amazing. And I look forward to part two.
- [31:21]
B
Yay.