Call It With Mel Robbins

Summary

Call It What It Is – Featuring Mel Robbins and Her "Let Them Theory"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Call It What It Is
• Hosts: Jessica Capshaw and Camilla Luddington
• Guest: Mel Robbins
• Release Date: February 17, 2025

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Introduction to Mel Robbins and "Let Them Theory"

The episode kicks off with Jessica Capshaw expressing her enthusiasm for Mel Robbins' new book, Let Them Theory. Jessica shares her personal journey of connecting with the book, highlighting how it resonated with her experiences as a recovering people pleaser and the oldest daughter in her family.

Notable Quote:

“I couldn’t do it alone. I reached out to my mom and we read this together. It created a conversation without any blame.”
— Jessica Capshaw [04:27]

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Understanding the "Let Them Theory"

Mel Robbins delves into the core principles of her theory, emphasizing the importance of detaching control from others and focusing on one's own responses. She breaks down the concept into two simple affirmations: "Let them" and "Let me."

• "Let Them": Allow others to have their opinions, emotions, and behaviors without trying to control or change them.
• "Let Me": Focus on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and responses to situations.

Notable Quote:

“There are only three things you can control: what you think about, what you do, and how you respond to your feelings.”
— Mel Robbins [07:00]

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Application in Personal Relationships

Jessica and Mel discuss how the theory applies to familial relationships, particularly between parents and children. Jessica shares an impactful story about setting boundaries with her teenage son without resorting to nagging or controlling behavior.

Notable Quote:

“When I walked by my son's room and saw it clean without asking him to do so, it was a game changer. It was simple and honest.”
— Jessica Capshaw [49:29]

Mel emphasizes the importance of honest communication and allowing space for genuine connection without overstepping.

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Navigating Toxic Work Environments

The conversation shifts to the workplace, where Mel provides strategies for dealing with toxic bosses or challenging colleagues without compromising one's well-being.

• Documentation: Keep records of toxic behavior to support any necessary actions.
• Visibility: Ensure your contributions are recognized to advance your career.
• Energy Management: Protect your energy by focusing on what you can control and seeking opportunities elsewhere if needed.

Notable Quote:

“Your career is not your boss's responsibility. It's yours. Make sure your contributions are known.”
— Mel Robbins [37:29]

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Handling Bullying and Parenting

Mel addresses bullying in schools, offering advice for young listeners on how to cope and seek help. She stresses that saying "Let them" doesn't mean tolerating abuse but rather recognizing one's worth and seeking support.

Notable Quote:

“When you say let them, you are not allowing someone to bully you. You are separating your worth from what they say about you.”
— Mel Robbins [43:25]

Jessica shares her experiences as a parent, highlighting the importance of creating an open and supportive environment for children to express themselves.

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Overcoming Heartbreak

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to dealing with heartbreak. Mel outlines a structured approach to healing, including a 30-day detox from all reminders of the ex-partner to allow the nervous system to reset.

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and feel the pain without rushing the healing process.
• No Contact Period: Eliminate triggers by avoiding contact and removing reminders.
• Reclaiming Personal Space: Make changes to your environment to signify the end of a chapter.

Notable Quote:

“After 30 days of no contact and detoxing from reminders, you start to accept reality and move forward.”
— Mel Robbins [57:05]

Jessica recounts a transformative moment when applying these principles with her son, leading to a more open and honest relationship.

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Empowerment and Personal Growth

Throughout the episode, Mel reinforces the message of personal empowerment. By focusing on what one can control and releasing the need to manage others' behaviors, individuals can regain their energy and lead more fulfilling lives.

Notable Quote:

“The power is not out there in managing other people. The power is in here in how you respond to it.”
— Mel Robbins [07:00]

Jessica reflects on how the theory has positively impacted her interactions and personal growth, reinforcing the contagious nature of the principles shared.

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with heartfelt exchanges between the hosts and Mel Robbins, underscoring the transformative potential of the Let Them Theory. Jessica expresses her gratitude for Mel's insights, sharing anecdotes that demonstrate the theory's effectiveness in real-life scenarios.

Notable Quote:

“This is an incredible tool, and I'm so grateful to have it out in the world.”
— Jessica Capshaw [65:40]

Mel concludes by emphasizing the collective journey of personal growth, encouraging listeners to protect their energy and focus on what truly matters.

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Key Takeaways

1. Control What You Can: Focus on your thoughts, actions, and responses rather than trying to manage others.
2. Set Boundaries: Whether in personal relationships or the workplace, establish clear boundaries to protect your well-being.
3. Visibility is Crucial: Ensure your contributions are recognized to advance professionally.
4. Personal Detox: Take time to heal from heartbreak by removing triggers and seeking support.
5. Empowerment Through Detachment: Letting go of others' control fosters personal growth and resilience.

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About Mel Robbins

Mel Robbins is a renowned motivational speaker, author, and life coach known for her practical strategies to help individuals overcome personal and professional challenges. Her Let Them Theory offers a transformative approach to managing relationships, career frustrations, and emotional well-being.

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For More Information:

• Book: Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
• Website: iHeartPodcasts
• Mel Robbins: Twitter

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This summary encapsulates the insightful discussions from the "Call It What It Is" podcast episode featuring Mel Robbins. By focusing on key points and notable quotes, listeners can grasp the essence of the Let Them Theory and its applications in various aspects of life.

Transcript

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It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Ludington, an iHeartRadio podcast.

[Camille]

Well hello, hello, hello, hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Call it what It Is.

[Jessica Capshaw]

We have a very special guest today. Do you notice anything different about me as we prepared for this episode?

[Camille]

I did. I have never noticed you sweating over a guest before and you're a little sweaty today.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Glistening, you mean a little bit disgusting? Glistening in my armpits as opposed to.

[Camille]

My face for everyone Listening. You have been talking about this theory and this person on this podcast for a long time now.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I have, I have. We are talking about the one and only Mel.

[Mel Robbins]

Mel Robbins.

[Camille]

Welcome to the podcast.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Welcome, welcome. So Oprah put a huge spotlight on you right around the holidays is what I remember. And she started talking about your new book, the Let them theory. I immediately went to order your book, buy your book. Where can I get this book? And it was not available, it wasn't out yet. And I went sneaky sneaking to my friends who've, my friends in high places who have connections. And I somehow got a digital copy like the galley. Is that what they call it in the business? The galley? And I got a pre. I got a galley, I got a little sneak peek and I started reading it and I was so excited. And then as I'm reading it, I'm getting all the wisdom and then my. Because I also pre ordered it on Amazon and I get my real copy. But don't think that I stopped there. I also got it on my audible. So I am like, it's like a three way frontal attack of Mel Robbins and the let them theory. Anyways, I couldn't do it alone. I reached out to my mom and I was like, mom, we know me. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm the oldest daughter in this family. I think that this theory was made for me and only me.

[Camille]

It's just a personal book for you.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah, but why don't you mom read this with me?

[Mel Robbins]

Well, no wonder you love the book because I wrote it with my oldest daughter. There's like first daughter energy in the book.

[Jessica Capshaw]

So. Yes, yes. What I thought a lot was what a gift it was for me. But then what I also thought was what a gift if I got this when I was 20. And I think it also because again, I got the pre K. I got all the copies and of course I sent one straight to my mom. I was like, mom, let's do this. We're read this together. And so we're reading them in tandem. And something about reading your words allowed for our journey to have no stickiness. It wasn't like either one of us was. It wasn't like I was saying, like you're so controlling.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Chapter five. Did you read that part?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And she wasn't saying it back to me. It was just free. There you were saying that.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And she could see herself and self report or take that inventory and I could see myself. And so it, it created a conversation. And so I think the multi generational quality of it as well is just like a little bit of a boom.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, thank you for saying that. There's so much I want to unpack about what you just said. But in case you're listening or watching this and you don't know what the let them theory is, it's simply the act of. In a moment where you feel worried or stressed out or frustrated or pissed off, you just say, let them. Whether it's about the traffic or your mother's mood, or it's the fact that somebody that you're interested in doesn't want to be let them. And then the second part, after you've said let them, and you sort of detach from trying to control something that's already going on is you say, let me. And when you say, let me, what you're doing is you're reminding yourself in any situation, whether it's a situation of heartbreak or it's a situation where you're overwhelmed, or a situation where you get fired from a job, or you get a situation where you don't get invited somewhere, a situation where your mom is really disappointed and some way that you're living your life and the guilt is flooding in when you say let me, you remind yourself that there's only three things in life you can control. It's not your mother's mood. It's not what your boss is doing. It's not traffic. It's not whether or not somebody chooses to love you back. It's not whether or not your friends invite you. The only thing you can control is what do I think about this? What am I going to do or not do? And what am I going to do in response to the feelings that I feel? So if guilt is rising up because your mom's disappointed, am I going to bend over backwards to try to make her not disappointed? Or am I gonna act like a grown ass woman and let my mom be disappointed? Cause she is a grownup and she's allowed to feel disappointed. She's allowed to have her experience.

[Jessica Capshaw]

She loves you.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And one of the reason, one of the ways I can love her is to actually let her feel what she feels without the need to fix it.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And if, like you and like me, you have spent your life navigating people's moods or happiness or opinions or expectations, it's exhausting and it doesn't work. And so it does.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yes. I felt myself squarely in that spot. And I remember hearing someone say, you can't set yourself on fire to keep everybody Else, war. And it was like, right, that's true.

[Mel Robbins]

But that's intellectual. So when somebody says, you gotta take off, you gotta put on your face mask first, I'm like, okay, well, what the hell does that mean?

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

And what is, you can't light yourself on fire to keep people warm? How do I apply that when my life is on fire?

[Jessica Capshaw]

That's what I love about this book.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes, it's how. Yes, it's how. And there's some things to think about, which is, you'll never take control of your own life until you stop trying to control everything and everyone around you. If you're exhausted, if you're tired, if you're, like, not as happy as you'd like to be, if you don't have what you want in your life, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power you're giving to everybody else. Like, you've wasted so much of your precious time and energy trying to please everyone else and meet their expectations and make sure they think a certain thing and they're not doing this and they're doing that that you've exhausted yourself. And what saying let them and let me taught me is that there's a totally different way to go about your life. And the shocking thing is that when you just let people think negative thoughts or let them have uncomfortable emotions or let them not understand you, or let them not invite you, or let them not want to be with you, you recognize that you're actually capable of facing anything. Because the power's not out there in managing other people. The power is in here in how you respond to it. And we've forgotten that we have handed our power over to other people's moods, opinions, to these crazy headlines. And in doing so, we have forgotten that you have so much power if you take it back. And you're never gonna feel powerful if all you're doing is just worrying about everybody else and managing everybody else and trying to. And being pissed off about everybody else and stressed out by the long lines and the traffic and what people are doing it, we're like, let them.

[Jessica Capshaw]

But that's what's so interesting about that, because we can describe the experience when we're pissed off, when we're annoyed, when we're all the things we're being human.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Right. We're just. We're actually doing what our brains were designed to do.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

What I have found your description of what to do and the three things that I can control.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And not react to, respond to, which was a big Thing that I learned also didn't know the difference between reaction and response. Didn't know.

[Mel Robbins]

I didn't figure this out till my 50s. Way ahead of me.

[Jessica Capshaw]

But that's all human.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Jessica Capshaw]

What you outline in these three steps makes me feel. Make me feel like you were giving me some kind of permission to almost be superhuman. To get above my human experience.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Not your emotional experience.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And get into that. Wise adult.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. I. The reason why this has taken off.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Is because it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I have made ancient wisdom a modern tool. This is stoicism, Buddhism, radical acceptance, detachment, theory, all of which are philosophical, intellectual concepts or therapeutic modalities, all of which are very hard to access if you're stressed out, pissed off, overwhelmed, or heartbroken. Because when you're stressed out by life and you're overwhelmed, which everybody is right now, you're in a state of fight or flight. And so you're not gonna remember the Serenity Prayer, you're not gonna remember the tenets of Buddhism, you're not gonna remember how to be stoic when you literally are so worried about paying your bills. How the hell are you gonna access something intellectual? And so what I love about this and why it's taken off is because a. It is part of a legacy of wisdom that has been around since the history of time, and it is arriving as a gift to the world at a moment where things feel absolutely out of control for most people. And even if you're not worried about the world at large, there's somebody in your family you're worried about. You're worried about AI taking over jobs. You're worried about the economy. You're worried about, like, a kid that you have and how they're doing. You're worried about a girlfriend who's dating some loser. There is some aspect in your life you're worried about the sense that you're not quite sure you're happy in the relationship or what you want to do in the next chapter of your life. And so you feel overwhelmed and stressed out. And when you feel. Or at least me in those moments where I feel, like, stressed out or pissed off or frustrated, I feel out of control. And then I start to try to control everybody else. And I miss where the power is. And the power is in just saying, let them. Because when you say, let them, you're actually recognizing. Every time you say let them, you're actually recognizing, I can't control this, therefore it's not worth my time and energy. And every time you say this isn't worth my time and energy. Let them. Let that adult be mad and not misunderstand me. Let those women gossip about me. Let these people unfollow me online. Let them. Let them. Let them. Let them. When you say that, you recognize that your time and energy has worth because you're protecting it, which is so cool.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I mean, the reason why you're exhausted is because you're giving your power away. And you can't have power until you stop giving it away. And most of us are like, wait, I have power. How could I have power if I'm burnt out and stressed out and worried about everything? And I. I feel like I've made too many mistakes in life. Oh, you have power, all right. You just forgot. And that's the other thing as to why this is taking off. I'm reminding you of something you know to be true.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah. But I think also hand in hand, you're believing there's a lot of empowerment. The way that you are on social media and then the way I hear you on the audible and then how I hear your voice, you are empowered. I mean, there's a sense that you believe in me and you. And I don't know you.

[Mel Robbins]

Of course I do.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And I believe that you believe in everyone.

[Mel Robbins]

I believe every single human being has the ability to make their life better. I believe every single human being has possibility and potential for their life that they are not in touch with. I 1000% believe that because I have been in the dirt, in the hole, I have reinvented myself so many times. And I understand that the only thing that's standing in between you and what you deserve and desire in life is you. I'm not kidding about this.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, the two biggest things that are in everybody's way. Cause these are the things that were in my way. I'm just gonna boil it down. Number one, you are obsessed with what people think about you. And you actually believe that there's something you can do that could guarantee that somebody's gonna think something you cannot. And so you're putting so much power in managing people's opinions, expectations, all that stuff. That becomes a huge obstacle. Because if you think about what other people are gonna do in response to what you wanna do with your life, you will always hold yourself back. Like, if you're constantly. What are my parents gonna think about that? I guess I better not move. Oh, what is my boyfriend gonna do? What is this? You'll prioritize somebody else's happiness and expectations over your own desire to do things in your life, and they didn't do that to you. You did it to yourself. So when you learn to say, let them be disappointed, Let them not understand, let them actually not approve. There was a guy that wrote to us yesterday because I am obsessed with reading people's comments because I. I love knowing what is actually resonating and how it's impacting people. And so there's a comment that came in yesterday that somebody posted online, publicly, where a guy was saying that he had read the Let them theory book, and he was so grateful because he's engaged to marry his husband or his fiance, I guess, at the time. And his father is very Irish Catholic and disapproves, and the wedding's coming up, and the dad had sent his son and his son's fiance a letter that was really awful and disapproving and calling into question whether or not God, you know, is gonna. Whatever. And what this guy basically said is, before the let them theory, I would have come unhinged. I would have cut him out of my life. I would have absolutely, like, just been destroyed by it. And he said, here's what I did. I said, let him. Let him have his opinion. Let him have his experience. Let him write something that actually does hurt me. Let him not understand. My father, based on his life experience, is allowed to believe what he believes. But I don't have to let that change who I am or how I'm living my life. And so when I say let him, I now create space for two things that are true. My father's opinion is bigoted, and it makes me feel sad. But I can also still want to figure out how to have space to have a relationship with him. And in saying let him, and literally releasing from the emotion and just being like, that's what he believes. I'm gonna let him have his belief, and I'm not gonna make it my job to actually try to change his belief. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna. Let me remind myself that I get to choose what I think about myself. I get to choose what I do and don't do, and I get to choose how I'm gonna respond. And I'm not gonna respond by allowing this hate to make me hateful.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so a couple days later, he wrote his father back and basically was like, I understand that you feel this way. We see things very differently. I'm really good with my relationship with God. I hope that you will be able to come. And that was it. And he's like, I'm free. Because the secret in life is when you focus on your values and who you are as a person and the things that you really want to do in your life, and that's where you put your energy and you know, you have good intention and you know where your heart is. It's so fascinating how quickly you actually don't really think much about other people at all because you know the truth.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And I've spent my life looking for the truth about me and other people's opinions.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Oh, say that again. Wait, say that again.

[Mel Robbins]

I have spent my whole life looking for the truth about me in other people's opinions. Ouch.

[Camille]

I know, I know. Okay, so the. Let them part of it.

[Mel Robbins]

So.

[Camille]

And I. I like this story as an example to it, because I'm wondering what the emotional component of it of. Okay, so somebody hurts you like the dad, right?

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Camille]

Because initially when I was hearing about the theory, it almost. I almost wondered if there was a part of it that was like, are you. By saying let them. Are you detaching emotion from that person? Are you almost numbing yourself to the. To whatever this is? So how is it that both things are true and that you're. You can't change that person, so you're getting that power back, but also you can still be hurt by that person.

[Mel Robbins]

You're not turning yourself into a zombie.

[Camille]

Okay. Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

You're basically in that situation. It is a mentally healthy response to be hurt by somebody who says something hurtful.

[Camille]

Okay. Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

That's a sign that your body works well when you're hurt by something that somebody says is hurtful. What we end up doing, though, is we take those emotional experiences and then we try to change the other person so the hurt goes away.

[Camille]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

You make the hurt go away by actually focusing on your response to what just happened, not by trying to change that person.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

And here's the other reason why. There is one thing in life you can't change. It's other people. You will never be able to change what another person thinks, believes, does, says, or feels, period. And anytime you try to change somebody's opinion by arguing with them, or you get judgy, or you have suggestions and they're not looking for any, or you think you know better. You're not organizing motivation. You're actually creating resistance to the thing.

[Jessica Capshaw]

That you want, they smell your agenda too.

[Mel Robbins]

Of course. People only change when they're ready to change. And what's interesting about this example that I gave you is that in this example by saying, let him. My father's allowed to have his opinions. I disagree with him, but he's allowed to have them. I get to choose how I'm going to react and whether or not I give more power to it. Which you do when you get angry. And I also get to choose if I'm gonna keep a space open. And what happens when you allow people to have their feelings and have their opinions and you create this space and then you focus on showing up in your life in the way that you want to live it. Funny thing happens over time with that space, people start to change their mind. Not because you jammed it down their throat, but because they have to reconcile the fact that their opinion actually makes no sense based on how you live your life. And there are a bazillion examples of this. So, for example, if you've ever quit a corporate job and gone off and done your own thing and everybody in your family doesn't get it, let them not get it. Let them be worried. Let them think you're an idiot. Let them not understand this Internet thing, like whatever it is that they're saying. Because a funny thing happens the more you focus on building the new business or becoming an influencer or writing the book and you're actually doing it. Have you ever noticed your parents are like, I always told you you should write a book. The space actually gives them this safety to come to their own conclusion. You're actually loving them and respecting them and giving them permission to be flawed or have up opinions or whatever else. And understanding that people do change when they actually are ready to change. And through your example and the influencer.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I love when you talk about that. Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Ye. I feel like. And there's another thing. Cause your question was excellent. Cause one of the other things where I thought you were gonna go with it is when you say, let them. Let's talk about a relationship.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Cause we all have that. We all have somebody in our life who's in a relationship with somebody who is treating them poorly.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, you see it, you're like, he won't put a label on this. That means he's having sex with other people. You know that that's what a label. I won't label. This means I want to be having sex with other people. And you're up in your head. Like, I think, well, I think we're gonna get married in Lake C. Like, I think you're high. And so. Yeah. But here's the thing. If you start to question your friend, what happens is you push her into the relationship.

[Camille]

I've had this.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep, yep.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And so they double down.

[Camille]

Yes, there's a double down, baby.

[Mel Robbins]

You say let them, and you're in a situation where a boss or a parent or somebody you're dating is treating you poorly. People are like, well, isn't saying let them mean you're just letting them abuse you? I'm like, no, you're already allowing that they're already abusing you.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You're just explaining it away in your head and making excuses for why, like, this is somehow acceptable and attractive to you. And I'm not blaming the victim here because they're very, very serious situations. I used to be a crisis intervention counselor on a domestic violence hotline. The average person in a abusive relationship, it's the seventh time that the leave actually sticks because of the psychological torture of being in a relationship like that. That said, one of the things that keeps you in a dysfunctional dynamic with somebody is the hope that it's changing.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

And so when you say let them, you are actually forcing yourself to see someone's behavior as the truth about how they treat you and feel about you. And the problem that most of us get into is that we live in a fantasy in our head instead of facing the reality of what's actually happening. And if you find that you're like, why am I always with people that won't commit? It's because you're confusing yourself. If they only text you and don't wanna see you in real life, it means they're not interested in you. They're bored. If you know, like, people are like, well, I always have people that string me along. Nobody can string you along. You actually tie yourself up in knots because you're unwilling to let their behavior speak the truth. That they're not interested in you.

[Camille]

They're not listening.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And so that's why this is so critical when it comes to relationships, because we make excuses for things that we shouldn't be making excuses for.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Is this where that piece of being sort of settled in familiar pain rather than seeking an unfamiliar pain comes in?

[Mel Robbins]

So there was some really interesting research about. This was like a fascinating and such a simple explanation. It comes from Dr. K, who goes as the healthy gamer online, and he's a Harvard trained psychiatrist who studies gaming addiction. And he's unbelievable. He had this way of explaining the brain and motivation that completely demystified for me why it's so hard to actually change. And he basically was like, look, the problem with all of us is we don't understand our own wiring, the human brain. Here's what you need to understand. You are actually wired to move towards what's easy right now. That's why we sit on the couch instead of running. It's why we think about building an online business instead of doing it. It's why we think about paying our bills instead of pay, like. And then we spend money. We move towards what's easy now. Cause your brain is actually wired to do it. Your brain is also wired to move and push against what feels hard. So in order to change, you have to defy your own circuitry. You have to either say, I know this thing is hard, but I've got a reason that's important enough that I'm willing to do the hard work to lose the weight, to cut out sugar, to get up on time, to get a different job. Now here's where this gets interesting. Because we are hardwired to move towards what's easy. People actually typically only change if the situation that they're in is harder than the thing that they're avoiding. So, like, you know, anybody that has ever gotten sober will tell you you get to a point where it's harder to actually drink, right, Than facing the stuff that you want to face. And so what happens in our relationships is, you know, we want to change everybody else. And so, you know, you see your spouse or your partner, and they're sitting on the couch, munching some chips, watching the game, and you're like, why are they not going for a run? Why are they not doing that? And then you make the suggestion and you didn't motivate them by going, it's a great day for a walk. What happened is you're like, no, Sherlock. And if I wanted to go on a walk, I would be going on a walk. Exactly. Like, you don't think I know that I could be going on a walk right now? And so you now become the thing that's actually feeling hard. So now they're, like, pushing away from you. It's natural brain wiring. You're the one creating the resistance. They're not the problem. You are. This was me for 54 years.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Camille]

Let'S call it what it is. Owning a cute bra and panty set that fits just right and can be worn all day makes it easier for you to feel sexy and confident.

[Jessica Capshaw]

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[Camille]

Their value propositions are products with a great fit, affordable prices and inclusive range of sizes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

New customers can get bra and panty sets for as low as 1995.

[Camille]

Adormi offers playful lingerie in over 67 different sizes, so you're bound to find a style that's just so you and they have affordable styles to fit any budget.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Adore Me has inclusive size ranges with over 67 sizes from extra small to 4x. Adore Me was the first intimate apparel brand to offer its full range of.

[Camille]

Styles across all sizes, and each month they drop a new seasonal collection, so there's always new styles to check out.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I personally get a little girly. I love a bow, I love a little lace, I love the way it fits and I always love knowing that I feel supported underneath my clothes.

[Camille]

Shop now@ adore me.com.

[Legends]

Legends the greatest social, casino and sportsbook experience has [e-mail] with thousands of the best free to play casino style games, chances to earn millions of bonus coins and win real money, Legends is revolutionizing the Vegas experience wherever you are. If you love winning, then you'll love playing at L E g n d z.com Legends is a free to play social casino void we're prohibited play responsibly. Visit legends.com for more information. Legends with a Z.com is legendary fun during tax season.

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[Camille]

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[Mel Robbins]

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[Camille]

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[Camille]

Choose from trending woven wood shades or upgrade to motorized. Blinds.com has everything and more, all with upfront pricing and no hidden fees. Need help with installation? Blinds.com can handle it for you or DIY with expert guidance from our design pros. With over 20 million windows covered and our 100% satisfaction guarantee, you can count on blinds.com to deliver results you'll love. Shop blinds.com's Presidents Day mega sale right now and save up to 50% sitewide plus a free professional measure up to 50% off site [e-mail] rules and restrictions may apply. I have a question because I feel like this theory makes so much sense when it comes to family. When it comes to romantic relationships. Can you speak to how it can work in a situation where you've landed your dream job?

[Mel Robbins]

Huh?

[Camille]

The job market's terrible. You're like, yes, I've gotten this. Now you have a toxic boss.

[Mel Robbins]

Say. Right.

[Camille]

How does the let them let me theory work in a situation like that where quitting is not feasible to you? Where, Where?

[Mel Robbins]

Why is it not feasible?

[Camille]

Because maybe you have a family to raise and it's going to take time to. There may be the job that you're in. There's not a lot of jobs out there. And. And so say quitting is not on the table.

[Jessica Capshaw]

You're talking two actresses.

[Mel Robbins]

I don't think that's true, but.

[Camille]

Okay, but say it, say it is true for some people sitting here. Right?

[Mel Robbins]

Okay. If you would like your excuse, you can have it.

[Camille]

Okay. I'd like the excuse in this scenario. So in this scenario, what can you do?

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Camille]

Because I feel like not everybody that has a toxic manager, whoever should have to quit their job to get out of the situation.

[Mel Robbins]

Correct. So it's a great question.

[Camille]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And I didn't mean to be a smart ass. I meant to say that when you're in a situation where you're confronted, it's easy to say I have no power.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

There is a major difference between what is in your control.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And actually having power.

[Camille]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And in a situation where you have a boss or a mother in law that is toxic, you are never in control of your mother in law or your toxic boss. You have to let them be who they are because wishing they're gonna change is just gonna create angst and stress for you.

[Camille]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And so when you say let them, you are recognizing with steely cold eyes the situation that you're in.

[Camille]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And you are going to remove any hope that you can change them. And you're gonna remove any hope that they're actually gonna change. And the reason why this is important is because the power is not in them. If you want a situation to change, the only person who has the power to change it is you. And so there are a couple things you can do here.

[Camille]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And I'm gonna assume for the sake of the fact that you said toxic boss, that we're not in a situation where this is a person that's breaking laws.

[Camille]

Okay? Sure.

[Mel Robbins]

That is violating HR policies that would get them fired.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Does this make sense?

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

They're just a dick.

[Camille]

They're a dick. And maybe they're. You know, it's a situation where you're always being looked over for the promotion. And you feel like in a situation like that, how. How can you.

[Mel Robbins]

How.

[Camille]

It's so frustrating because I feel like if you're a toxic boss, like, what are the repercussions for you? There should be. You can't just go through life being a toxic boss. Boss. Right.

[Mel Robbins]

There's a lot of people that have very toxic behavior. There's a lot of challenging people. And unfortunately, we live in a world where challenging people get rewarded because they exhaust us and people get afraid of them and everybody tips around that person and everyone's scared to rock the boat. And typically, those kind of people bring in the money. So nobody wants to rock the boat. And so here's the choice that you have. Because you can't control that person and you can't control what the company at large is going to do. You can only control what you're gonna do in that situation.

[Camille]

Okay?

[Mel Robbins]

So number one, when you say let them, you recognize that any hope that they're changing is actually a waste of time. And it keeps you gaslighting yourself. And any wish that they're changing is you giving your power away and actually not recognizing that you have power. And so one option that you have after you say let them, my boss is. My boss is let me remind myself that my energy and time matters. And so as I'm driving into work, I'm not gonna brace. Cause I know what I'm walking into. And let me remind myself that if I'm gonna continue to be in this job and not actually go look for other things, then I'm actually owning this situation and I'm gonna learn how to tolerate it. And the other thing that I will tell you is that your energy is more powerful than. Than your Bosses, even though you perceive that they have control over everything, you're actually in control of your career. I don't think it's true that there's only one place to work. I don't think it's true that there aren't other opportunities. I think we blind ourselves to it and we say, well, I need the money and I've worked so hard and this isn't fair. What if there was something way better?

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And putting all your energy here is blinding you to the fact that there's another door open over there. But because you waste all your time and energy allowing this jackass to drain your life force, when you get home at the end of the day, you don't have the energy to look around the other thing that you can do, if it's really that bad. There's two other things I would recommend since we're talking about work. One is, like, document everything that's happening and then actually talk to people that he reports to. And you might get fired.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But you might actually feel empowered.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because you're not just taking it and taking it and taking it. You're recognizing that I get to choose how I respond. And then I want to get.

[Jessica Capshaw]

That's the let me piece.

[Mel Robbins]

That's the let me piece. And then here's the other thing. I want to give you some research that's really important for women to hear. Catalyst did a huge study about what actually creates a salary raise or a promotion for women. And I personally believe that this research is true for absolutely anybody at any age. And there's only one skill and one thing that actually directly ties to somebody getting a promotion at work. You want to know what it is?

[Camille]

Sure.

[Mel Robbins]

Any guesses?

[Camille]

Tolerance.

[Mel Robbins]

No. No, it's. Are your contributions known?

[Jessica Capshaw]

No, I was gonna say stamina, but no, it's.

[Mel Robbins]

Are your contributions known? I call this visibility. Are the contributions that you're making to the organization visible to the people who could promote you? And the answer's probably no, because you're busy with your head down, working, working, working, working, hoping that your boss notices or hoping that their bosses notices. And I'm going to tell you something. In life, your career is not your boss's responsibility. It's yours.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah. I think that can happen in the home, of course. Those who work in the home, of course, can be going, going, going, going, and nobody's paying attention to. Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Right. And then you're pissed off because your contributions aren't visible. And what I'm here to say is that visibility is your responsibility. And so if you feel like you are being looked over, first of all, you deserve to work somewhere where you feel seen and accepted and appreciated and compensated for the work that you do. If you would like to be compensated for more than what you are currently doing, then you've got to make sure that you are taking responsibility. Let me make sure that what I'm getting done is known by people and that it's more than what they're actually paying me to do. Yeah, because if you're doing a good job, great. That's what I'm paying you to do. If you actually want a promotion, then what are the contributions that you're making and how are you making them visible?

[Jessica Capshaw]

So historically, men are maybe better at this.

[Mel Robbins]

Sure.

[Camille]

Let'S call it what it is. Owning a cute bra and panty set that fits just right and can be worn all day makes it easier for you to feel sexy and confident.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Adore Me is an intimate apparel brand that was the first of its kind to offer a full range of styles and sizes for all body types.

[Camille]

Their value propositions are products with a great fit, affordable prices and inclusive range of sizes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

New customers can get bra and panty sets for as low as 1995.

[Camille]

Adormi offers playful lingerie in over 67 different sizes, so you're bound to find a style that's just so you and they have affordable styles to fit any budget.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Adore Me has inclusive size ranges with over 67 sizes from extra small to 4x. Adore Me was the first intimate apparel brand to offer its full range of styles across all sizes and each month.

[Camille]

They drop a new seasonal collection so there's always new styles to check out.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I personally get a little girly. I love a bow, I love a little lace, I love the way it fits and I always love knowing that I feel supported underneath my clothes.

[Camille]

Shop now@adore me.com.

[Legends]

Legends the greatest social, casino and sportsbook experience has [e-mail] with thousands of the best free to play casino style games, chances to earn millions of bonus coins and win real money. Legends is revolutionizing the Vegas experience wherever you are. If you love winning, then you'll love playing at Le g n d z.com Legends is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Play responsibly. Visit legends.com for more information. Legends with a Z.com is legendary fun.

[Camille]

Are you still quoting 30 year old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now it pays to Discover. Learn [e-mail] credit card based on the February 2024 Nielsen report.

[Jessica Capshaw]

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[Camille]

Feeling good is so important and no matter what you do to be healthy or lose weight, now we get to utilize science and everyone wins. They give millions of people affordable access to weight loss meds for less than $3 a day. Just take their quick 3 minute survey from there. If approved by a clinician, you'll get prescribed and get meds delivered to your door within 24 hours.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in just 3 minutes at try FH.com try FH.com try Fh.com future health is not a health care services provider. Meds are prescribed at providers discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health.

[Camille]

I have another scenario.

[Mel Robbins]

Sure, bring it.

[Camille]

We have, we have young listeners. So bullying in school. How does the Let them let me theory work in a scenario like that?

[Mel Robbins]

How old are the kids?

[Camille]

Like say they're in high school.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, so the Let them theory book itself is about adult relationships and there's this huge download in the back written by Dr. Stuart Ablon for Mass General Brigham, psychologist who's been practicing working with kids at Mass General Brigham in Boston for 30 years. And so there's this huge guide that is so powerful that is going to answer all the questions on parenting. But let's talk about that situation. So if you are in high school and you're listening to my words and you are being bullied when you say let them, you are not allowing somebody to bully you. What you're actually doing is you are separating your worth from what they say about you.

[Camille]

I love that so much.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay now but here's the important thing, okay? This is not something to tolerate. I don't want you to just take this on the chin. You shouldn't be taking this and having to deal with this on your own. That's the Let me part. Let me remind Myself that I deserve to walk into school and actually feel safe and be able to be respected. And because I deserve that. And I know that I am going to talk to my teachers, my parents, the administration, and tell them what's happening. Because you. What happens when, like, that sort of thing happens is you're so ashamed that it's happening, and you're so beaten down that you don't even ask for help.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so you say, let. Let them say what they're going to say. Let them pick on me. But let me remind myself, because I can't. The power's not in trying to control the bullies or avoiding them. The power is in me recognizing this is not okay. And so my response is going to be not to tolerate this in silence, but to go tell somebody because they shouldn't be doing this. Because the other thing we know about kids that bully is that they got taught to do that because they were probably being bullied by their parents. That doesn't mean that it's okay. It means it's a learned behavior that is not going away until adults step in and actually intervene. And, you know, part of the problem is, is that it doesn't just happen in school. You know, it's happening in the hallways, but it's also happening online. And so if it's happening to you online, you're gonna say, let them. Say let them, because it's already happened. But then you're gonna. Let me remind myself I can block people. I need to tell people that this is happening to me. Like, I am not gonna allow myself to sit in silence because this kind of not okay.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

It's the reaching out for help.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And how much dignity there is and how much strength there is.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Camille]

I think there's confusion, though, in the wording of let them. In a situation like that, hearing it, because it almost feels like, let them.

[Mel Robbins]

Let them do what they're gonna do. Let them say what they're gonna say. I'm not gonna give these people power. I'm going to remind myself that I get to choose what I think about myself. And saying, this isn't okay. And you don't get to do this to me.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

That is taking your power back. Saying to yourself, I deserve to get some help here.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm not gonna suffer in silence when you say let them. You're not giving somebody permission to harm you. What you're recognizing is spending time and energy wishing it would go away. Doesn't make it go away.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Spending time and energy trying to Change the people that are doing this to you actually drains your time and energy. I want you to detach from what they're doing and remind yourself. Let me remind myself that I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to get help. I am not here on this earth to, like, suffer like this, and I'm not gonna allow myself to suffer alone. And that going to somebody at school, whether it's a counselor, whether it is somebody in your family that you trust, and actually telling somebody that is one of the greatest acts of self love that you can do. Because you are recognizing that you are a person who doesn't deserve to be treated this way. And you're saying it to somebody and you're getting help.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And I think one of the reasons why a lot of kids suffer alone is because they're afraid their parents are gonna intervene, and then they're afraid they're gonna make it worse. And I know that I've had situations with my kids when they were in middle school and high school, especially our son, where I'm like, what are they? Oh, my God. Don't you like?

[Camille]

And yeah, that's hard.

[Mel Robbins]

You have to restrain your emotions. When somebody comes to you with a very difficult situation, like, well, let's take one with adults. You've got a friend who confesses that, you know, somebody in their life is cheated on them. The last thing you want to do is jump in and be like, that son of a bitch. And I'm like, you want to be like, how are you feeling? What can I do? This must be so painful.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And simply calming your own emotions and judgment and validating what somebody is feeling, that's what they need.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

And then you ask, and I would ask this if I had somebody in high school call me and talk about this, I would say to them, no matter how serious this is, Dr. Stuart Avalon's approach, he calls it with them. Have you thought about what you want to do?

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So you have somebody that calls into your show and they're distraught, and there's so many kids struggling with anxiety and depression and doing self harm and feeling like there's nobody. Have you thought about what you might want to do? Of course that's all they thought about. But they probably have some really good ideas. And you even just asking that validates that I actually think you're capable.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I'd be curious to hear what you think you'd like to do. How can I support you in that?

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah. Which is.

[Mel Robbins]

And now you start to feel empowered.

[Camille]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Which is so great. In parenting. And I love that.

[Mel Robbins]

And friendship and marriage. And as a daughter to a mother, have you thought about what you'd like to do?

[Jessica Capshaw]

I find that hard with the kids. I'm learning, I'm doing better. I swear. I find myself like, truly like I'm like been slowed down and like. I believe in your ability to fix the situation.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And I have to say, I really like been like walking the talk and what's happening. Magical. Like, I walked by my 17 year old son's room the other day and I walked by. The door's always open, which, thank you, Lord, he still keeps his door open.

[Camille]

Because you've taken the door off the hinges and it's just open. You've taken the door off.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I walked by and I truly like. And I remember he went like, huh? And I looked and I was like. Because he'd gone out and what I saw was a completely clean room with a completely made bed. And guess what I hadn't done. I hadn't asked him to clean his room.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And I hadn't asked him to make his bed that day. That day. That day I had laid in there like, hey. And I kind of did. Guys, you gotta read this book. I did the thing. I think I did. Tell me how I did. I sat him down. I said, here's the deal. When I walk by your room and the bed's undone and your bag's there and everything's filling out and the expensive computer sideways all the thing, it makes me feel like you think I should be taking care of your stuff. And I don't want to take care of your stuff anymore. I want to go out to dinner with you. I want to play a game with you. I want to listen to what's happening. I want to hear about your girlfriend. I don't want to clean up your shit.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And it was a conversation. I had like two days and then when I walked by and I have goosebumps all over my body. Cause I know we're talking about cleaning up a room, but it was a game changer. And it was simple and I was just very honest. And I really didn't even put any like super, you know, your mother's an actress. Dramatic language in. I really just said exactly that. I said exactly that.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm growing.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I'm growing foreign.

[Camille]

Let's call it what it is. Owning a cute bra and panty set that fits just right and can be worn all day makes it easier for you to feel sexy and confident.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Adore me. Is an intimate apparel brand that was the first of its kind to offer a full range of styles and sizes for all body types.

[Camille]

Their value propositions are products with a great fit, affordable prices and inclusive range of sizes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

New customers can get bra and panty sets for as low as 1995.

[Camille]

Adormi offers playful lingerie in over 67 different sizes, so you're bound to find a style that's just so you and they have affordable styles to fit any budget.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Adore Me has inclusive size ranges with over 67 sizes from extra small to 4x. Adore Me was the first intimate apparel brand to offer its full range of.

[Camille]

Styles across all sizes and each month they drop a new seasonal collection, so there's always new styles to check out.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I personally get a little girly, I love a bow, I love a little lace, I love the way it fits and I always love knowing that I feel supported underneath my clothes.

[Camille]

Shop now@adore me.com.

[Legends]

Legends the greatest social, casino and sportsbook experience has [e-mail] with thousands of the best free to play casino style games, chances to earn millions of bonus coins and win real money, Legends is revolutionizing the Vegas experience wherever you are. If you love winning, then you'll love [e-mail] Legends is a free to play social casino void. We're prohibited play responsibly. Visit legends.com for more information. Legends with a Z.com is legendary fun.

[Camille]

Are you still quoting 30 year old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide and every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now it pays to Discover. Learn [e-mail] credit card based on the February 2024 Nielsen report, did you know.

[Jessica Capshaw]

That Future Health can help make weight loss resolutions come true? When it's about biology and not willpower, it's not your fault that the dieting just doesn' Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in just three minutes and for less than $3 a day, 8 out of 10 users say that using the Future Health program is more effective than anything they have ever tried.

[Camille]

Feeling good is so important and no matter what you do to be healthy or lose weight, now we get to utilize science and everyone wins. They give millions of people affordable access to weight loss meds for less than $3 a day. Just take their quick 3 minute survey from there, if approved by clinician, you'll get prescribed and get meds delivered to your door within 24 hours.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in just 3 minutes at try FH.com try FH.com try Fh.com futurehealth is not a health care services provider. Meds are prescribed at providers discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health. Okay, you brought up an example. And I think that we also have so many listeners that call in heartbroken.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh yes. Okay, let's go.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I know, right? Let's go baby. And you, you mentioned something that I again, because I wish I'd read this when I was 16. I actually probably could have gotten into this when I was 16. But what a gift in my 20s to have in a heartbroken state taken a sentence out of your book. Which was if someone were to tell me that they knew with absolute certainty that the love of my life was five months away, what would I do with the time that I was in.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And it blew my mind.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, let's talk about heartbreak. Because the interesting thing.

[Camille]

Yeah, it would be.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, because you don't think they are. And so here's. I want to back up a little bit because my 25 year old daughter and I wrote this book together. We argued over every word. I would be like, well, we should. I think I'm gonna tell this story. She's like, that's the stupidest story. No 25 year old person my age cares about that. You gotta come up with a different story. So when we were writing the book, we were writing the love section and how to use the let them theory to really choose and create the best love story of your life and the best loving relationships of your life. And so we get to the part like we go through the early stages and situationships and then how to take it to the next level and then how to decide is this the right person or is this not my person? And then we get to the section on heartbreak and I kid you not, 24 hours into writing this section, her boyfriend, who she thought was going to be the end of the aisle, broke up with her. Wow. And she was like, this is the stupidest advice I've ever. And she was in a heap, crying on the floor and in a depressive state. And of course when it happens, because he was like part of our family, he's like in the digital frame and now I'm like having to hit pause. Oh God, yes. Every frame. And now he and his mother and I are texting and I know it's a boundary. I can't believe this. You know, like.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so it was the most extraordinary gift of an experience. Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because we wrote that section of the book while she was processing the biggest heartbreak of her entire life in real time. And when you say, let them, let them walk out the door. Let them move on. Let them not love me. Let them not want a commitment doesn't take the pain away.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

It helps you recognize that that chapter of your life is actually over.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And the advice is incredible because you're gonna say, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them. And the only advice that's out there about heartbreak is like, love your town. Go on a revenge diet. And you don't love yourself. You hate yourself. Like, you actually think you're unlovable. You think that you're never gonna find love again. You don't think you're attractive. You feel rejected.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Why aren't you getting picked?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes, exactly. And so you are supposed to be in a depressive state.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

This is why you've got to like, if somebody in your life is going through this, they're grieving. Yeah. They're grieving the loss of the life they thought they were gonna have. And then the book goes even deeper because I'd never thought about heartbreaks this way. Heartbreaks hurt so badly because you're not just grieving the life that you thought you were gonna have. You're actually having to unlearn life with a person. You are going through detox in your nervous system and your brain, because your nervous system and brain has actually created patterns in your body because you've spent years with this person. And so you hear their voice, you sense their presence. And the mistake that we make, especially in the early days, you're like, that must mean they miss me. That must mean they're my. No, it means your nervous system is actually having to break patterns.

[Jessica Capshaw]

It's still holding them.

[Mel Robbins]

And so the recommendation which, you know, my daughter and I did a whole podcast episode about this too, and we have received more write ins about this episode where she walked through the process that our therapists said she should go through, which is, first of all, when you, when it happens, allow yourself to be in a depressive state.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But you have to go through a 30 day, no contact, no photos, no voice memos, no videos, no reminders. Detox. Because you have to. Because anytime, because you're going through this experience in your body where your brain is actually breaking apart hearing the patterns of their voice. You're going through an experience of your body, of your nervous system, sensing the presence in your bed. And this is normal. And so if you look at a voice memo or you check their location, guess what you just did. It's like somebody who's sober taking a drink. You literally just activated all those old pathways. So somebody that, you know, that girlfriend that can't get over somebody, they've never taken a 30 day break. They still see the photos, they still cut. So they keep this old circuitry alive in their body, which is so much harder than.

[Camille]

Was she able to do it?

[Mel Robbins]

This is why it's even more critical, because you're actually keeping this person alive. Yes. And they left. The worst thing that you could do is be with somebody. Yeah. When you don't want to be with them.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I know.

[Camille]

Okay, so she did this.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Camille]

And what was it like after the 30 days?

[Mel Robbins]

So after she's. She's adorable. Because after the 30 days she was like, okay, I can call him now.

[Camille]

Oh, God, no.

[Jessica Capshaw]

She's back in. Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Well, she's just like, we're honest.

[Camille]

Yeah, yeah, no, of course.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, no, she's not. I'm saying she thinks she said that literally even hearing the voice.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Just flooded the body.

[Camille]

So day 31, she called him.

[Mel Robbins]

Of course, she said, I was able to actually have a conversation, like any chance. And clearly there wasn't.

[Camille]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And it didn't hurt as much as it would have.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And she was also able to go, okay, I gotta move on. And without that, what would have happened is what happened in, like every relationship so many of us have is we hold on for so long.

[Camille]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Because we're keeping them alive. Like just literally replaying all the things. And so, you know, there's a couple recommendations which is you're gonna say, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them to just detach, detach, detach, detach. You should absolutely remove any, anything that triggers a memory of them for those 30 days. You don't have to burn it or do anything stupid or dramatic. Just put it in a box, get it out of sight.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Time capsule box.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Like I literally was pausing the photos and the frame. And I'm pausing because, like, maybe we'll come back. Okay. This would be great. Like, I'm holding on. Let them, let them, let them. And then the other thing is, is that I. It was a huge breakthrough for us because I am such a fixer. I wanted to take her pain away. It's gonna Be okay. And I just had to let her be depressed.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, so let her wear her pajamas through days. Let her collapse on the floor and cry.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Let her have that experience because that's how she's gonna move through it. And if I let her cry and I just, you know, put my arms around her or say nothing, I'm actually communicating to her. I believe you can move through this.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Even though it sucks. And so these. And another really important thing to do is give your bedroom a small makeover, because you spend a lot of time there. And by small makeover, I mean you can move your bed to a different wall. You can put a different comforter on. You can fluff up the pillows or get some cheap throw pillows somewhere. Change it up, Change it. Paint a wall as a visual reminder that something new has begun. And the other. There are some other recommendations, too. But, you know, the research is also helpful here, because the research says that after about 11 weeks, 70% of people start to feel better.

[Jessica Capshaw]

11.

[Mel Robbins]

Why? Because time away helps you accept reality. But what you do with that time matters. And so this third. If you have. If you're not over your ex, I guarantee you, you've never gone 30 days without checking their location or watching a video or looking at their social. And that's. And you're the one keeping them alive. You're still living in a chapter of your life that's over.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

That's not that person's fault. It's yours.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I believe that everyone can do this.

[Mel Robbins]

Absolutely.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And I so have loved hearing you say all this in person. Even though, like I said, I've actually heard it three times. And I'll hear it. I'll just keep listening to it. I would like to say also that to encapsulate how contagious the let them theory is, I spoke about it a little bit. My daughter and I went on a trip. We had car time. We're talking. She's asking what I'm reading. I'm asking her what she's reading. And we talked about it. I just gave her, like, the elevator version. And I hear her later. We're in a hotel room. I'm in the bathroom, and she's on the phone with a friend who's. They put them all on speaker, and the friend is saying how poorly she was treated by another friend. And she's listening. And Eve is very compassionate and just that she's listening. She's listening. And I'm putting on makeup. I don't know what I'm doing. And all of a sudden, I hear her say, you know what? Let them.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

And I was like, mid eyelash stroke, I was like, what a. And I was like, and of course I go to listen. And she used it perfectly. The friend hadn't been invited to go to brunch, and she said, let them go to brunch. They don't get to be with you. Let them go to brunch. Why don't you go for.

[Camille]

But it was just.

[Jessica Capshaw]

It was so. It was fluid, and it was supportive, and it wasn't denying anyone their experiences of. There are horrible people in the world, and sadly, a lot of them have a lot of power, and they have power. We think they have power over us, but this is an incredible tool, and I'm so grateful to have it out in the world.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Jessica Capshaw]

So thank you for being with us.

[Camille]

Thank you. And for anybody. We have the let them theory book that you can order.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I think she even signed one. Well, she signed with my name in it. She signed with your name in it.

[Mel Robbins]

You're gonna. You're gonna sleep with it like a pillow.

[Jessica Capshaw]

I told her earlier that I fell asleep thinking about her. And that's kind of weird.

[Camille]

We have so many generations of listeners and everything you. You covered so much in just the time that we had. And I just know that it's going to be so helpful for me, everybody listening. And so, yeah, we just want to thank you so much for coming on. It really is. Yeah. Thank you.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you for inviting me here. Thank you for reading the book. I'm just excited that so many people are excited about a book that is helping you improve your life. You know, I'm a huge fantasy reader, love fantasy. And so I understand when books take off in fantasy, but it's amazing to see a book that isn't about escaping your life into an alternate universe. It's about actually turning back into. Into your life. Yes. And tapping into the power that you have. And, you know, you were saying. You were both saying very, very kind things to me about, you know, the difference that I'm making. But I think this is the way that I see it, because I just view myself as your friend that has up a lot. And I feel like we're all on this kind of walk on life together. Like, we're all on the road together. And there's times in life where you're going to be a couple steps ahead of me. There are times where I'm gonna be a couple steps ahead of you. And if you open up your heart and your mind, you can actually learn from anybody. And I think you're best equipped to help the person you used to be. And so to me, the reason why this resonates is because I'm just reminding you of something that you know to be true about you. Like I'm actually slowing you down and reminding you that you do have power. I'm reminding you that the things that we tend to overlook actually do matter. How you talk to yourself, like the friendships, like your family.

[Camille]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Like these things actually matter. And that your time and that your energy is valuable, but it's only gonna be valuable if you protect it.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

And this is helping you do it.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Amen.

[Mel Robbins]

Amen.

[Camille]

Yeah, for sure. My goodness.

[Jessica Capshaw]

Absolutely. That. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Camille]

All right. So much to digest.

[Jessica Capshaw]

So this is the part of the episode where sadly, the saddest time I've ever had to say this. Let's call it the end of the episode.

[Mel Robbins]

That's such a cute ending.

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