Kirk Martin (0:00)

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Let them know after checkout that the Calm Parenting podcast sent you Lisa.com promo code CALM so this is our second summer in our new home and what we've missed most is having friends over for dinner. It's such a pain to go to those big box stores and carry home huge items. So so we finally went to Wayfair.com back in May and we picked out deck furniture, a grill, fire pit and yard games. Boom. Easy fast free shipping. Last night was kind of magical and it was simple. We had friends over, I grilled out, we had the fire pit going, kids playing cornhole, just good conversation and laughs. And we like Wayfair because it's one stop shopping for everything we need inside and outside our home with a great selection and great prices. So now after a long day or on weekends we we have an outdoor gathering space and I do love grilling outside shop outdoor furniture, grills, long games and way more for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to explore a huge outdoor selection that's W a Y f a I r.com Wayfair Every style Every home do you have a child who must touch the hot stove? Resist what you want first, refuses to do chores or anything the easier way who is not immediately obedient, doesn't respond to consequences, appears self centered, won't show math work, does the bare minimum to get by, won't push through when things get hard. Good. I want to show you how to work with these traits instead of fighting them all the time so you can actually enjoy your kids and family life. So that is what we're going to Discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us and our summer sale@celebratecom.com all right, I'm going to give you 10 insights that you must really internalize and know and really accept, I think about your strong willed child if you want to stop all the power struggles and just enjoy them. So number one, this is a hard one. Your strong willed child is never, never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to do things your way or the way you want them done. I've discussed this all through our programs, all through the podcast. It's just the way it is. They will do things, just not the way you want them done. And you need to get over your control issues. Your strong willed child is not going to be immediately obedient. It is a horrible expectation anyway. It's not rooted in human nature. And they are always going to push back at first. It's part of who they are. So don't project out and just label them as defiant. They are looking for space and ownership. By the way, this immediate obedience thing, I've done podcasts on this. It is a horrible expectation to put on yourself as a parent because if your child doesn't listen to you the first time, well, then you're doing something wrong. You're not disciplining them. Well, you have a defiant child and you're failing as a parent. And, and that's what all the parents of compliant children say, because they don't. You don't. Look, with compliant kids. You don't even have to say anything. Just look at them and they just do the right thing. And it is way too much pressure for you and for your kids and it is unrealistic. Well, does this mean that you let kids get away with things and not listening to you? Of course not. It means you use different approaches with them just like we use different approaches with each other as adults. Look, Mrs. Calm is an extremely sensitive person, while our son Casey is a general who marches instead of walks. He's very direct. So I use a very different tone and approach when speaking with each of them. We all do this daily in our interactions with other people, at work, at the grocery store, with neighbors. We choose the approach that works best. Same thing with strong willed kids. Look, you don't give strong willed kids control of your home. You give them ownership of their choices within your large boundaries, knowing they need to touch the hot stove because it's part of their learning process. You must give these kids a large box so to speak, to live in with very clear expectations and boundaries, but plenty of space to do things differently than you would do them. I'm going to do a whole podcast on ownership coming up at the beginning of August. I think I have it planned. So shouldn't kids just know to listen and take no for an answer? Look, I have changed my answer on this over the years. I used to say, well, yes, but now I say no. No, they really shouldn't. It would be easier for them and easier for us if they did. But they don't care about the easy path and we need to embrace that. Your kids have been this way since they came out of the womb and you've tried all the tricks and consequences you can think of for the past four or nine or 17 years and it hasn't worked. Stop trying to change their very nature and work with it instead. That's not giving in as a parent, that's using wisdom. Continuing to fight their nature just makes you rigid and stupid. I'm not kidding, it does. It's just dumb. So stop it. So, number two, and you know, I don't do blame or guilt, but some people, it's like, whoa, I'm just going to try again. I'm like, why it hasn't worked for the last six years. Are you looking for some magic formula? Embrace their nature. Work with it. Number two, your strong willed child will choose the harder path. They will make choices that you think are kind of dumb, and some of them are right, but it would be so much easier if they just did it the right way. But they have to touch the hot stove. It's a necessary, necessary part of their learning process. And I really encourage you to wrestle with this. Why have we determined that the easier path is the best path for all kids? Because it's not. It's easier for us. And it would be easier for them to just take the traditional path, but they want to do it the hard way. They don't want to be like others. They want to find new paths and ways of doing things. Instead of fighting that, switch the narrative in your brain and switch the words you use. Try this sometime. I admire the fact that you're willing to do things the hard way rather than take the easy way. It shows me that you like a challenge, that when you have a goal, you. You are incredibly focused and persistent and won't give up. And even when the consequences are harsh, you forge on because you value your independence and desire to do things differently. How would that change how your child sees himself or herself and how you see them. There is nothing that I just said that is not true. Now I know there's always a balance to things, but all of that is just as true as you know what? You're so difficult. Why do you have to make things so hard? The truer statement we should admit is my child isn't difficult. I am. I'm the one who insists that there's only one way. My way. Their way makes me uncomfortable and that's why I try to fix or change it or them. And it's also because you love your kids. You want them to be happy and successful. I get that. It's just that they are going to achieve that in a way that looks very different. So I get on board that train. By the way, have you noticed this was not in my plan. Your kids will often choose sports and activities that are not your sport. Why? Because they want to own it. So when they are successful, it's not because mom or dad lectured them and showed them exactly how to do that. It's really interesting how they do that, isn't it? Number three, Consequences and punishment do not work or motivate these kids. So stop using that as your first response. They simply don't care. Your my way or the highway tough guy approach, which is what I was raised under and tried first, will never work unless your mission is to destroy your relationship with your child. So your child may fear you, but he or she won't respect you. It hasn't worked for the first how many ever years of your child's life. So what makes you think it's going to work next time? It won't, so stop it. I showed in detail why consequences don't work in the June 29 episode Discipline without yelling or giving in. Three questions you must ask. So look that one up. Number four, your strong will child will almost always resist what you want first before they own it themselves. It's built into their system. It's built into mind and it's not a bad thing. It's actually really healthy and good in the long run because they want to have ownership of their choices in lives. They don't want to believe things because mommy or daddy or a teacher told them or made them. They want to wrestle with ideas, push back and argue, try different angles and touch the hot stove and until they believe it and internalize it and know it on their own Again, it would be easier if your kids just didn't believed what you said without pushing back. But this way they own it themselves and will own it for the rest of their lives. Respect that. Learn to expect it and work with it. You could even verbalize sometime. I respect the fact that you think for yourself, that you challenge yourself with and wrestle with these ideas inside that you just don't believe everything everyone tells you. That's actually a really great quality to have. Again, all of those words are very true. And then you can mutter inside. But please, dear God, just one time, listen to me without resisting. I get that. I'll cover this in upcoming podcasts in more detail. But for now, know that you must draw and and lead these kids. You can't push them and stand over them. They'll resist every time. Number five, your strong willed child will appear to be self centered and selfish. But I guarantee it's nothing more than self preservation from an insecure, immature human being who feels different or who struggles with anxiety and is expending all of his or her emotional energy just trying to hold it together inside so that see, when your kids are doing this, when humans are doing this, they literally can't look outward because they are so focused inwardly. I have friends who are recovering alcoholics who during their addiction were all about themselves. They appeared so selfish. Why? Because they had to spend all of their energy simply holding themselves together that they couldn't look outward. Your child's not a sociopath. He's just an overwhelmed kid. See your child that way and you can reach into and change his or her heart. Otherwise you'll just destroy their spirit and cause them to be angry. Number six, your strong willed child will likely never do his or her chores around the house very well, if at all. You're going to have to wrestle with this one, but I believe it's true. I our son Casey was virtually useless as a child. Around the house he was, but outside the home he was extremely responsible and awesome for other people. And we raised him not to be a kid, but to be an amazing adult. And you're going to have to reconcile this within yourself. We decided that what we wanted was a kid who grew into a responsible, respectful adult on his own. On his own. He was fantastic. He was just awful for us. He worked a job from a young age. He helped neighbors all the time. He would do everything for everybody else and they loved him. And they always like, casey is such a great kid no matter where he went. And I know you're going to think, but if kids don't learn how to do their chores, they won't be able to keep a job. That's just not true. By the way, I'm going to save you some trouble. Your strong willed toddler will not pick up all of his toys by himself even if he dumped 40,000 Legos on the floor. Kids are just not going to do it. So you're going to be on the floor grumbling, picking up even more toys than your child. It's just the way it works and I don't want you to freak out thinking there's something wrong with your child. Are you letting them get away with that? Right? It doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be lazy and irresponsible unless you do everything for them. I'm going to do cover chores in more detail on the podcast one week from today, so listen to that one. So I bet your families like ours during summer life gets so busy we don't always have time to grocery shop or cook. Thanks to Hungryroot, we shop on our own schedule and make healthy home cooked meals in about 15 minutes. Hungryroot eliminates the indecision the last minute runs to the store or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy delicious meals that even your picky kids will love and they only take minutes to prepare, leaving more time to enjoy your kids. Last night we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir fry veggies. Boom. Delicious meal. 13 minutes of prep time. No waste, simple cleanup, more stress free family time. We love Hungryroot So go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box and a free item for life. Hungryroot.com calm code calm eating disorders can drastically change a child's behavior and mood and it can be scary as a parent watching your child become more angry or withdrawal while struggling with weight loss. Dieting extreme picky eating. These changes are not your kid's favorite fault, it's the eating disorder. The good news is that eating disorder recovery is possible and the sooner you get help, the better outcome your child will have. That's why I'm excited to introduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that provides you with evidence based care so your child can heal at home. Each Equip family has access to a dedicated team of eating disorder experts that include a therapist, dietitian, medical provider and and mentors with lived experience. Equip providers have deep experience treating young people with all kinds of eating disorders, including lesser known diagnoses like arfid. Equip has no wait list and is covered by most major insurance plans. If you're concerned about your child's relationship with food, don't wait to get an expert's advice. Visit Equip Health Calm for a free consultation with equipment that's Equip Health Calm. Number seven. Your strong willed child is going to make you really uncomfortable and you should thank them for that. And this will probably cause disagreements with your spouse, so you have to really wrestle with these things together. Number number seven. I just said that and I'm not fixing it. I'm practicing imperfection. It's really bothering me right now, but I'm going to keep going. You're a strong willed child, probably will not show his or her work when doing math problems because it's stupid. I just showed you my work by getting the answer right. Duh. And your child's correct. So let him take it up with the teacher who will mark his or her grade down. And your child doesn't care about grades, so just let it go or just fight about it forever. When your child does care about something, they will do it. But right now they don't. I actually covered this in a podcast. There's some really interesting reasons why they won't show their work and why we should actually encourage that. But that's for another time. Your strong will child may do the minimum work necessary just to skate by. Fine, I get that. So tell your child this. That's actually really smart. You don't care about grades right now, so you're preserving your energy for things you care about. I know that when you do care about something. Oh, you're persistent, you're goal oriented. I've seen it. Good thinking, son or daughter. I dare you to say that. But then you're gonna have to go drink. So I don't want you to drink, but it's going to be very uncomfortable. But it's true. And you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that your child simply doesn't care what you care about. Yet you also have to reconcile yourself to the fact that all of your lecturing, prodding, bribing and threatening has not changed or motivated your child at all. And instead it simply hurts your relationship and destroys your trust. And I've done podcasts on that. I'm going to do one coming up on motivating your kids. But here's the thing you're going to say, but shouldn't my child Just. No, cut it out. This is about you and your anxiety about your child's future. Focus on controlling and changing yourself instead of your child. None of what you've done is work before. It's not going to start to, like, magically happen now. All right, let's dive into another parenting myth. Well, kids have to learn to push through when things get hard because life is filled with doing things you don't want to do. True enough in one sense. But here's where the reasoning falls apart. You and I push through because we have a reason to. I need to support a family and internal drive to accomplish something we care about. But I bet I can find five things in your life that you don't push through to accomplish that you don't do your best at. That you don't apply yourself at. Whether it's diet or exercise or giving to others, praying, serving others, taking on more responsibility at work. Why? Because you don't care about it. When I worked in the corporate world, I wasn't great at managing the details of the business. But with celebrate calm, I know every single thing going on in my business. Why? Because I am motivated. Because I have ownership. Your kids simply aren't going to push through and be motivated until they care about something. By the way, you'll notice they do this when they play video games. I'm not saying that's what I want them to do. But you will notice when they do certain activities, usually not for you, they will push through. Think about it. Why would you push through if you don't care about the mission or see no reason or purpose? So in the programs, if you get the programs on the app, I show you how to get your child to push through when it gets tough. Okay? I want to save you a lot of money in family fights. Your strong willed child is not going to practice. They're not going to practice their instrument or sports skills and you're going to say, oh, but he could be so good, make the varsity team or get a scholarship or first chair violin if they just practiced. These kids won't practice yet. They just want to play the game or the concert because they don't care yet. They won't learn to read music. They will learn their instrument by watching YouTube videos and it will drive you crazy. Just, just don't invest a lot of your own money and time in their activities. Let them pay for at least part of it and relax and enjoy. Look, I met this really great mom and dad at a live event. They were like, oh, our child won't practice and listen to his music teacher, but he writes and creates his own music. And I was like, that's amazing. And their reply was, well, but that's not really learning because he doesn't listen to the teacher. Can you hear how shortsighted we get as parents? That's crazy. Crazy. This child is learning infinitely more by teaching himself, experimenting, creating his own music. I'd rather much rather have him doing that than following rote lessons. This is the way your kids are made independent. Learning on their own, not listening to others, charging down their own path, creating their own music. And let's keep that as kind of a metaphor for their lives. They create their own music in life. It's just usually music you don't like and you don't like how they create it. And that's your issue. So get accustomed to being uncomfortable and be willing to toss out all those parenting lies we've been told right since childhood. Quick note for spouses. One of you is going to be too soft, and given the other one is going to be a little bit too rigid and rough. So you balance each other out and you help each other. Ask your spouse this question sometimes. A side tip. What is one thing you want me to change or begin doing differently? And then just do it. Husband's listening. Here's one. Stop barking out consequences that you can't keep. And then. Because when you do that, it erodes your kids trust in you because they don't believe you anymore. And then your wife is put in the position of actually having to enforce consequences that are unrealistic. You're welcome, wives. Okay, number eight. I only did that because I always pick on men because I'm a man. And if I tell my. I'm so tough on moms on the podcast and moms almost always on Instagram. Yeah, that's true. I need to change. It was so hard on yourselves. But guys, I'll mention anything. I don't. I don't. I don't do that. And then your family's kind of laughing like, yeah, you do. Okay, I only know because I'm a guy. 8. Family life is going to be unfair. You are going to have to grade on a curve with these kids because they aren't going to measure up compared to their siblings. You're going to feel like you are letting them get away with things. I know that. And sometimes you are, because you don't want to murder your child. And you know what I mean by that. There were times where I would look at my son and Say, huh. You were almost respectful to me right then, so I think I'll engage. It was just because he's a very direct kid and it just didn't sound the way that a child should talk to his dad. But there wasn't usually anything disrespectful. It was just, he was like, just take charge and blunt and you have to wrestle with this. When I remember one time I'd sent Casey a text before an event. We used to do a ton of live events telling about an alternative approach I wanted to take that night. And when I came into the event, he headed right for me and said directly, no, we're not doing that. And inside I was like, I am your father and, and I am your boss. Who are you to talk to me like that? But I realized this is a kid with strong opinions and a direct manner. His intentions were good, even if his tone wasn't. So I engaged and we talked it out. And the little jerk was right. Look, I just actually got back from a big hike with him. He's been that way since he was born. He's a grown man. He is an amazing human being and he's awesome, but it's just the way they're made. Okay, if the other kids say, in your family, well, it's not fair how you treat our strong willed sibling, you could remind them of this. You could say, oh, you want to talk fairness? Oh, let's do it. You know what isn't fair? It's not fair that you are made with a brain and constitution that makes it easier for you to get good grades in school, to do your homework quickly, to make friends pretty easily and do something sleepovers, to be generally likable. And yet your brother's brain is wired in such a way that he has to work five times harder than you just to sit still all day, memorize information for a test and do homework. It's not fair that it's harder for him to connect with kids his own age. Ever notice how difficult life is for him? Would you want to walk in his shoes or trade places with him? I don't think so. So instead of talking fairness, why don't we talk about gratitude, you little snot. I'm kidding. Leave off the last part. But it feels very gratifying sometimes. By the way, you better be nice to your brother because one day you'll probably be working for him when he starts his own business and rules the world. So you can leave out the last parts, but you've got to accept the fact that These kids are tough, but this is the way they are. Number nine. That's because you have to understand the arc of their lives. Strong willed kids feel like they are swimming upstream. Childhood just doesn't suit them. And you said before, if we can just get this child to adulthood, he's going to be fine. Strong willed kids face adversity from the time they begin preschool, usually, and it doesn't let up. Navigating childhood does not come easy for them. So it's almost like they get most of their difficulties out of the way as kids. Now here's the beneficial part. By the time they're 26, they're so accustomed to adversity they can handle real life. Whereas your compliant child who sailed through childhood will wilt like a flower after getting fed, fired from their first job. But the strong willed child will say, look, I've had everybody against me since birth. Bring it. Note as well that this adversity forces them to create different coping mechanisms and workarounds that often give them a competitive advantage later in life. Almost like kids from rough backgrounds developing street smarts to get them by number 10. Your strong willed child is not going to progress on your timeline or according to artificial society societal standards. You cannot compare them to siblings or peers. Many of them are late bloomers, so they may need a gap year or two before going to college or figuring out their life plan. Be patient. Don't force it. Look, I beg them. Go to community college for the first two years, right? Who needs the prestigious bumper sticker when yours says, my daughter saved me $50,000 by going to community college and I took a trip around the world? Look, there isn't a right college for your child. Most of the time it's better if they take it slowly and get a success first before transferring to a better college. But I'm going to encourage you. Be patient. Throw out all those artificial timelines. Oh, by this age your child should be doing this. No, they shouldn't. Know your child and remember these three things. Relationships. It is the relationship and internal motivation are way more effective than consequences. Traits. The traits that irritate you now are the very traits that you will appreciate when they are grown. And these are their very traits that will make them wildly successful in the real world. We watch this with our kids and finally enjoy them. Enjoy your kids. I'd encourage you if you have our programs on that, go through them this summer so you are prepared for the stress of the next school year. Let your kids listen. Have amazing conversations with them about this. I'D actually let some of your kids listen to this particular episode and say, hey, there are 10 things in here. Which of them do you want to tell us about? Which one of them. Which one of those resonated with us? Which ones do we really need to work on? That would be an awesome conversation and your kids would feel very understood. So I didn't really plan that, but I would let them listen to this and see if they say, that's me. That's how I'm made. So instead of everybody in their life trying to change them, they finally feel understood. No, they've got a great future ahead of them. Look, if any of you strong will kids are listening, I would buy stock in you. You have a great future ahead of you. You are made for the world we live in because you have that energy and your ingenuity and that entrepreneurial spirit. Oh, I like that stuff. All right, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.