Transcript
Host 1 (0:00)
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Host 2 (1:21)
Heard me talk about my mom.
Kirk Martin (1:22)
She had Ms. And so many health challenges, but she never stopped sacrificing for her four boys. I wish she would have had access to proactive health tests like the ones you can get from Function Health. I think it would have made a.
Host 2 (1:36)
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Kirk Martin (1:37)
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Host 2 (2:14)
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Kirk Martin (2:15)
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Host 2 (2:45)
One of the most common questions we get is this. How can I get my husband on board? How can I help him change his parenting style to listen to your podcast? So that is what we're going to tackle on today's special episode, the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Mother's day sale@celebratecalm.com so we get this question all the time, and I know there are guys listening who. Wait, wait. What about, how do I get my wife on board? Listen, I know that's true. So these same strategies will work. You just apply them in different ways with your wife. But that's not what we're talking about today because it's Mother's Day coming up, and I know for a lot of moms and wives what they need most there. It's like, a lot of moms, like, hey, I can handle the kids, okay? I'm working at this. Really? Well, it's working. I've got this under control for the most part. But then my husband comes in and kind of undermines everything I'm doing. How do I handle that? So, moms, wives, I want to give you 10 different strategies or approaches to take. And you can take these approaches. You can mix and match them. Every home, every. Every dynamic is a little bit different. So I want you to have options. So here's number one. Let's start maybe with the soft approach, the more compassionate approach, and being able to talk to your husband, say, hey, you're a good guy. You're a good husband. Your intentions are good. You just don't have tools. And you can say to your husband, look, I've met your father. I get what you grew up with, because that's something that resonates with me. Because, you know, our son actually has told me that. He said, dad, I knew Grandpa. So I know how far you have come from what you learned as a kid that may resonate with your husband. And I want to let you know, as a guy, no one taught us this stuff. Right? Like, all I was ever taught as a boy, as a man, was, you compete and win. You compete at sports and win. You compete with grades and win. You compete for the girl and win the girl. You compete at work, you compete to get the promotion. Nobody in our lives, for the most part, has taught us how to have relationships. Now, that is changing and has changed. The younger generations, our son's generation, the millennials, man, they're so much more in tune with relationships and handling conflict than we work. But for a lot of us as men, nobody ever taught us this, so it feels very overwhelming to us. And sometimes I remember as a young dad, it just felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. So I Reverted back to that immature thing where I'd say, fine, you know what? You guys would be better off without me. That's just being immature. That's manipulative. But it was. And I would withdraw because I didn't have any tools. And so, wives, I don't want you to come in with, honey, I listen to this guy's podcast. We need to change our entire parenting paradigm. No way. That's, like, way too big. It's like asking your husband to read a parenting book. We're not going to do it. We'll peruse the table of contents, but we're not going to do it. So I want you to begin with some small changes, some easy wins, and then affirm your husband, like, hey, I really like how you handle that. That was awesome. Because we're kind of like puppy dogs in this area. We need, like, pat me on the head. Let me know that I did that. Well, number two, I like an invitation. And you can start with a humble route, or you can start with a tougher route. And you could say something like, hey, honey, I found this guy's podcast. He sounds a lot like you. Because a lot of guys like the fact that I've talked direct, and it's a guy's perspective, and you can say, hey, it's free and it's only usually 22 minutes long. You could say this. I've listened to this guy's podcast, and I realize I let the kids get away with things too much or sometimes I'm too sweet with the kids. You can open up by being vulnerable, by owning your part in this. And you could say, hey, could we listen to this together? Will you listen and help me out with this? I know that your husband probably needs most of the help, but this might be a soft way to do this. Another thing you could say, and again, only if it's true. Hey, honey, I've expected you to parent like me, or I've expected you to talk sweet like me to the kids. And I realize that's unfair because that's not who you are or your natural style. So I've kind of shut you out of our parenting discussions. And that is happening a lot because you've heard me say this. Most of us started without authoritarian approach my way, or the highway fear and intimidation. But as a society, we shifted way too far to the other side, where now we talk really sweetly to our kids. And for a lot of men, we're just shut out from that because we're not going to use that tone and nor should we. And, you know, our tone is in between firm even, matter of fact. Well, that tone of voice is. Actually comes naturally to a lot of men. And so. So this approach is very guy friendly in that sense. And I'll get to that in a little bit of how we can do that. Now, you can also take a tougher approach and say, hey, my way. Yeah, I need to change some things. But your authoritarian approach, that's not working either. So we need to meet in the middle. A really good podcast for your husband to listen to would be the Discipline without being angry or. Or permissive from June 2024. That'd be a great starter. 1. Okay, number three, I like using analogies with men. And you could say something like, hey, I've noticed that you respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure. And so I always use this analogy with men of like, we don't want a platoon captain or our general in war saying, oh, my gosh, they're shooting at us. Nobody's following that guy. We want the business leader who, when sales are down, things are tough, stays cool and calm under pressure. And a quarterback you do not want to follow a quarterback who comes into the huddle in the fourth quarter at the end of the game and says, you know, we're down by two touchdowns. You don't know what route to run. You keep fumbling the ball, let's go, score. Nobody's following that guy. You want the quarterback who walks into the huddle, takes a knee, interesting, his body posture, and says, hey, we're down by two touchdowns. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back and score again. And the team follows him precisely because he's in control of himself. But sometimes with husbands, and you can say this to your husband or they should recognize, hey, when you walk through the door of the home, you blow up and now there's disorder all over the place. And a lot of, I've noticed with a lot of guys who are engineers, dentists, project managers, IT guys who require a lot of order in their work at the office, everything's kind of in control. But as soon as they walk through the door of the home and there's Legos on the floor and kids are screaming, well, it freaks them out. And then they unleash and they start yelling and create more disorder. So you can use that analogy. And then the fourth thing keep playing on that is, hey, honey, you already do it the right way at work, right? Like at work, when one of your employees is Having an issue, you don't come in and just start yelling at him like, if you don't do better, you're going to lose your job, right? Instead you come and say, hey, I've noticed in previous projects you've done, man, you've just crushed it. And I know you've got your good thinker, but on this latest project, not up to standards. So why don't you grab a notepad, come into my office, or why don't we go grab lunch. I'll show you a different way to do this. See, you teach and problem solve, but when you come into our home, you just start yelling and correcting the kids all the time. So, hubby, for the next week, why don't we try this? Walk into the home and talk to or treat the kids kind of like you talk to colleagues at work or, or your employees at work because you teach them problem solve with them. Use this even matter of fact tone. You're able to let them know, hey, you didn't do a really great job on that project. But then you teach. See, they can relate to that. I can relate to that. Okay, number five. And we're mixing in some softer and tougher approaches, but here's another soft one, in a way. Hey, I know you don't mean to do this, because that way you're not impugning your husband's motives in this. Hey, I know you don't mean to do this. I know you're probably not aware of this, but when you talk to me like that, it hurts me. It makes me feel like I'm this tall. That's helpful language. Sometimes you could be, you could own your own part, right? And you could say, hey, I know sometimes when I get on you about parenting, it probably feels like you can never do it well enough. And I'm always kind of correcting you. See, own that part of it. Here's another analogy that I think will resonate with some of your husbands. Honey, being a good mom is kind of the most important job to me. I know I've got my work, my job, but being a mom, I put so much effort into this. I've read all these books, I listened to the podcasts and so. And I spend so much time trying to create this calm and good, helpful, positive culture at home. But then you come home and undermine that. It's almost imagined, like, imagine me coming to your office and I start yelling at your colleagues or your employees and I create drama and lose it. Will you be furious at me? Because I would have undermined all you would have done to create this culture at work to get that promotion. I like that analogy a lot because I think that's what's really going on and what really probably bugs maybe a lot of you as moms is I work so hard to do this, and then you undermine it. Okay, number six, you say I coddle the kids because that I know that's a trigger for a lot of you moms because that's what a lot of us say. Oh, she just coddles the kids. You're too soft on them. And you could write this to your kids and you could do it in an understanding way or a tougher way, but let your husband know I'm actually coddling you because I have to walk around managing the temperature of the home. I have to be the referee between you and Zachary almost every day. And it's causing me to lose respect for you because I married you. And I. I don't know the right way to say this right. And you're going to have to decide, but when I married you, I had pictured this. I married you to be a man and I expected you to be mature. But now I find out that you can't control your own emotions and so I'm actually coddling you. I walk on eggshells around you wondering when you're going to blow up at the kids and that causes me to lose respect for you. And by the way, you could explain that's why we're not as intimate anymore, because I'm growing resentful towards you. So we need to change this dynamic and I'm willing to do my part. But I need you to step up and do your part.