Loading summary
Transcript18 lines
- [00:01]
Host 1
No one really understands how many details moms and dads have to manage every single day. That mental load can be exhausting. With Skylight Calendar you can relax knowing all the details of your family schedule are visually displayed in one place with different colors for each family member. That brings peace of mind knowing there will be no more last minute surprises that trigger your kids. Skylight Calendar syncs seamlessly with all of your calendars. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. That means less stress, no more worrying about forgetting something important. And your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Moms get get this for yourself for Mother's Day. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcow.com Calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G h t c a-l.com calm so you've.
- [01:21]
Host 2
Heard me talk about my mom.
- [01:22]
Kirk Martin
She had Ms. And so many health challenges, but she never stopped sacrificing for her four boys. I wish she would have had access to proactive health tests like the ones you can get from Function Health. I think it would have made a.
- [01:36]
Host 2
Real difference for her.
- [01:38]
Kirk Martin
Function Health is the all in one health platform that helps you take control of your health through data instead of guessing what's happening inside your body. Function helps you know for sure, providing access to 100 plus advanced lab tests that include insights into thyroid function, hormones, autoimmunity, heavy metal toxicity, immune system, and more. With Function, your first set of tests helps establish a baseline that makes it easy to spot even subtle changes and address them proactively. Function Health is the best way to care for you so you can continue.
- [02:14]
Host 2
To care for your kids.
- [02:16]
Kirk Martin
And to celebrate Moms Function Health created an illustrated book honoring moms that I think you'll find encouraging. Download Long Lived Moms for free today@functionhealth.com calm and learn more about how Function Health can help you take better care of you. Get Function Health's Long Live Moms book for free at functionhealth.com functionhealth.com Calm.
- [02:46]
Host 2
One of the most common questions we get is this. How can I get my husband on board? How can I help him change his parenting style to listen to your podcast? So that is what we're going to tackle on today's special episode, the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Mother's day sale@celebratecalm.com so we get this question all the time, and I know there are guys listening who. Wait, wait. What about, how do I get my wife on board? Listen, I know that's true. So these same strategies will work. You just apply them in different ways with your wife. But that's not what we're talking about today because it's Mother's Day coming up, and I know for a lot of moms and wives what they need most there. It's like, a lot of moms, like, hey, I can handle the kids, okay? I'm working at this. Really? Well, it's working. I've got this under control for the most part. But then my husband comes in and kind of undermines everything I'm doing. How do I handle that? So, moms, wives, I want to give you 10 different strategies or approaches to take. And you can take these approaches. You can mix and match them. Every home, every. Every dynamic is a little bit different. So I want you to have options. So here's number one. Let's start maybe with the soft approach, the more compassionate approach, and being able to talk to your husband, say, hey, you're a good guy. You're a good husband. Your intentions are good. You just don't have tools. And you can say to your husband, look, I've met your father. I get what you grew up with, because that's something that resonates with me. Because, you know, our son actually has told me that. He said, dad, I knew Grandpa. So I know how far you have come from what you learned as a kid that may resonate with your husband. And I want to let you know, as a guy, no one taught us this stuff. Right? Like, all I was ever taught as a boy, as a man, was, you compete and win. You compete at sports and win. You compete with grades and win. You compete for the girl and win the girl. You compete at work, you compete to get the promotion. Nobody in our lives, for the most part, has taught us how to have relationships. Now, that is changing and has changed. The younger generations, our son's generation, the millennials, man, they're so much more in tune with relationships and handling conflict than we work. But for a lot of us as men, nobody ever taught us this, so it feels very overwhelming to us. And sometimes I remember as a young dad, it just felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. So I Reverted back to that immature thing where I'd say, fine, you know what? You guys would be better off without me. That's just being immature. That's manipulative. But it was. And I would withdraw because I didn't have any tools. And so, wives, I don't want you to come in with, honey, I listen to this guy's podcast. We need to change our entire parenting paradigm. No way. That's, like, way too big. It's like asking your husband to read a parenting book. We're not going to do it. We'll peruse the table of contents, but we're not going to do it. So I want you to begin with some small changes, some easy wins, and then affirm your husband, like, hey, I really like how you handle that. That was awesome. Because we're kind of like puppy dogs in this area. We need, like, pat me on the head. Let me know that I did that. Well, number two, I like an invitation. And you can start with a humble route, or you can start with a tougher route. And you could say something like, hey, honey, I found this guy's podcast. He sounds a lot like you. Because a lot of guys like the fact that I've talked direct, and it's a guy's perspective, and you can say, hey, it's free and it's only usually 22 minutes long. You could say this. I've listened to this guy's podcast, and I realize I let the kids get away with things too much or sometimes I'm too sweet with the kids. You can open up by being vulnerable, by owning your part in this. And you could say, hey, could we listen to this together? Will you listen and help me out with this? I know that your husband probably needs most of the help, but this might be a soft way to do this. Another thing you could say, and again, only if it's true. Hey, honey, I've expected you to parent like me, or I've expected you to talk sweet like me to the kids. And I realize that's unfair because that's not who you are or your natural style. So I've kind of shut you out of our parenting discussions. And that is happening a lot because you've heard me say this. Most of us started without authoritarian approach my way, or the highway fear and intimidation. But as a society, we shifted way too far to the other side, where now we talk really sweetly to our kids. And for a lot of men, we're just shut out from that because we're not going to use that tone and nor should we. And, you know, our tone is in between firm even, matter of fact. Well, that tone of voice is. Actually comes naturally to a lot of men. And so. So this approach is very guy friendly in that sense. And I'll get to that in a little bit of how we can do that. Now, you can also take a tougher approach and say, hey, my way. Yeah, I need to change some things. But your authoritarian approach, that's not working either. So we need to meet in the middle. A really good podcast for your husband to listen to would be the Discipline without being angry or. Or permissive from June 2024. That'd be a great starter. 1. Okay, number three, I like using analogies with men. And you could say something like, hey, I've noticed that you respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure. And so I always use this analogy with men of like, we don't want a platoon captain or our general in war saying, oh, my gosh, they're shooting at us. Nobody's following that guy. We want the business leader who, when sales are down, things are tough, stays cool and calm under pressure. And a quarterback you do not want to follow a quarterback who comes into the huddle in the fourth quarter at the end of the game and says, you know, we're down by two touchdowns. You don't know what route to run. You keep fumbling the ball, let's go, score. Nobody's following that guy. You want the quarterback who walks into the huddle, takes a knee, interesting, his body posture, and says, hey, we're down by two touchdowns. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back and score again. And the team follows him precisely because he's in control of himself. But sometimes with husbands, and you can say this to your husband or they should recognize, hey, when you walk through the door of the home, you blow up and now there's disorder all over the place. And a lot of, I've noticed with a lot of guys who are engineers, dentists, project managers, IT guys who require a lot of order in their work at the office, everything's kind of in control. But as soon as they walk through the door of the home and there's Legos on the floor and kids are screaming, well, it freaks them out. And then they unleash and they start yelling and create more disorder. So you can use that analogy. And then the fourth thing keep playing on that is, hey, honey, you already do it the right way at work, right? Like at work, when one of your employees is Having an issue, you don't come in and just start yelling at him like, if you don't do better, you're going to lose your job, right? Instead you come and say, hey, I've noticed in previous projects you've done, man, you've just crushed it. And I know you've got your good thinker, but on this latest project, not up to standards. So why don't you grab a notepad, come into my office, or why don't we go grab lunch. I'll show you a different way to do this. See, you teach and problem solve, but when you come into our home, you just start yelling and correcting the kids all the time. So, hubby, for the next week, why don't we try this? Walk into the home and talk to or treat the kids kind of like you talk to colleagues at work or, or your employees at work because you teach them problem solve with them. Use this even matter of fact tone. You're able to let them know, hey, you didn't do a really great job on that project. But then you teach. See, they can relate to that. I can relate to that. Okay, number five. And we're mixing in some softer and tougher approaches, but here's another soft one, in a way. Hey, I know you don't mean to do this, because that way you're not impugning your husband's motives in this. Hey, I know you don't mean to do this. I know you're probably not aware of this, but when you talk to me like that, it hurts me. It makes me feel like I'm this tall. That's helpful language. Sometimes you could be, you could own your own part, right? And you could say, hey, I know sometimes when I get on you about parenting, it probably feels like you can never do it well enough. And I'm always kind of correcting you. See, own that part of it. Here's another analogy that I think will resonate with some of your husbands. Honey, being a good mom is kind of the most important job to me. I know I've got my work, my job, but being a mom, I put so much effort into this. I've read all these books, I listened to the podcasts and so. And I spend so much time trying to create this calm and good, helpful, positive culture at home. But then you come home and undermine that. It's almost imagined, like, imagine me coming to your office and I start yelling at your colleagues or your employees and I create drama and lose it. Will you be furious at me? Because I would have undermined all you would have done to create this culture at work to get that promotion. I like that analogy a lot because I think that's what's really going on and what really probably bugs maybe a lot of you as moms is I work so hard to do this, and then you undermine it. Okay, number six, you say I coddle the kids because that I know that's a trigger for a lot of you moms because that's what a lot of us say. Oh, she just coddles the kids. You're too soft on them. And you could write this to your kids and you could do it in an understanding way or a tougher way, but let your husband know I'm actually coddling you because I have to walk around managing the temperature of the home. I have to be the referee between you and Zachary almost every day. And it's causing me to lose respect for you because I married you. And I. I don't know the right way to say this right. And you're going to have to decide, but when I married you, I had pictured this. I married you to be a man and I expected you to be mature. But now I find out that you can't control your own emotions and so I'm actually coddling you. I walk on eggshells around you wondering when you're going to blow up at the kids and that causes me to lose respect for you. And by the way, you could explain that's why we're not as intimate anymore, because I'm growing resentful towards you. So we need to change this dynamic and I'm willing to do my part. But I need you to step up and do your part.
- [15:10]
Advertiser 1
Okay, big news to share. AG1's Next Gen Formula is now one of the most clinically backed greens powders. They went above and beyond the industry standard and testing and have made a great product even better. With five new probiotic strains and additional vitamins and minerals, AG1 Next Gen has been clinically shown to help fill common nutrient gaps. Even in healthy eaters, AG1 has been a game changer for me. It gives me energy, supports my immune system and gut health and it keeps me regular. I love my AG1. Now clinically backed with an advanced formula, this is the perfect time to try AG1. I've been drinking AG1 for four years now and I'm so happy to be partnering with them. Subscribe today to try the next gen of AG1. If you use my link@drinkag1.com calm you'll get a free bottle of D3K2, an AG1 welcome kit and five upgraded AG1.
- [16:13]
Host 1
Travel packs with your first order.
- [16:15]
Advertiser 1
Check out drinkag1.com calm to notice the benefits of AG1's next gen for yourself.
- [16:23]
Host 1
That's drinkag1.com calm moms and dads, you.
- [16:29]
Host 2
And I have kids who love to.
- [16:31]
Host 1
Build stuff and figure out how things work. What if you could feed your child's engineering, brain or creativity with a new fun project to build each week? This summer, kiwicode delivers awesome science, engineering and art projects right to your door with everything you need to complete the project.
- [16:49]
Host 2
My nephew and I just built the.
- [16:50]
Host 1
Kiwi Code Delivery robot together and I love the confidence and curiosity that these Kiwico projects spark in him. I signed my nephew up for the Kiwico Summer Adventure series which is why I am his favorite uncle. Your kids will receive six hands on project kits over six weeks and we're most excited about the archery set because he gets to build his own bow. Plus it gets him outside off screens, using his natural skills and learning new ones. And Kiwico offers summer programs for kids of all ages from 2 through to teen years. Build the best summer ever with KiwiCo. Get $15 off on your summer adventure series at kiwico.com calm that's $15 off your summer adventure at kiwico.com calm Ryan.
- [17:47]
Advertiser 2
Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone Paying Big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway, give it a.
- [18:05]
Host 2
Try@Mintmobile.Com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com part okay, number seven honey, could we try doing X for the next week or the next two weeks? Let's get very specific about what you want your husband to change. I like having a defined time period. Hey, we're just going to do this for the next week for the next two weeks. And I like that it's measurable so it's not overwhelming with like we need to change everything. And you could begin with what you're going to change because you probably need to work on a couple things. Mom's right. So I'll begin by being more whatever it is or doing less of this of expecting More of the kids taking care of myself. Start with your part. And then you could give your husband some very specific missions. We tend to be very mission oriented. Hey, honey. Every day when you come home, could you just affirm our kids for two good qualities or just one good quality you see in them? So instead of coming through the door and picking out their Legos on the floor, did you get your homework done? Just notice one thing that you like about them, one thing they have done well. That's it. Just do that. You may have to give your husband the words to use. And I'm not being funny with this, but. And I don't have a good term, but there are some men, it's like they don't have the dad gene. They didn't have a good dad. They just don't know how to be dads. So something that may come naturally to you or even to me about how to do it, they don't know how to do it. So you actually have to kind of give them the words to use in how to do that. I think I did a podcast last spring on that about kind of how to be a dad and do this. So you could say, hey, when Zachary gets upset, could you sit down and build with Legos with him to calm him down? Could you show him how to do that? One of my favorite things I used to challenge dads to do was to say, hey, come home from work sometime. Come in, call the kids downstairs and say, guys, listen, I had a rough day at work. Traffic was backed up. My favorite team lost last night. Man, I'm frustrated. Will you guys do some push ups with me and the kids will get down and do push ups with you? And what the dad is modeling is when I have a bad day, when I am frustrated, instead of coming in and slamming the front door and yelling at people, my dad does his push ups. And now kids tend to follow what their parents do, and kids really follow what their dads do, right? If dad flips people off in traffic, kid's going to grow up and flip people off in traffic. But if dad does push ups and dad can control himself, it is very, very powerful. And you know what we as men want more than anything? We want respect. We want the respect of our kids. And so you can use that language to say, hey, when you do, control yourself when you do those pushups. When you do, man, the kids respect you. They're watching. They respect you so much for that. Okay, sorry about that. I just dropped my pen because I was going to make a Note on that respect point part. So thanks for bearing with me. I'm practicing imperfection, moms and dads, even while we speak. So here's another one. Hey, next time that our teenage daughter or son gets mouthy, instead of reacting, instead of escalating, invite our son or daughter to go with you for a drive, to go get a snack, to go get tacos. Because the beautiful part about driving is there's no eye contact. You don't even have to talk. And you know what? It was for me as a guy, when I started doing this with Casey, I didn't know what to say. I didn't have all the words to use, but if I knew, like, hey, Case, I can tell you're frustrated, Casey. I'm a little bit hungry. Why don't we go up? Why don't we go to Chipotle? Or why don't we go to Taco Bell? Why don't we go grab a smoothie? We were driving in the car. I didn't have to say anything, but it automatically calmed the situation. I had a mission. And then we went and ate, and we came back and I'd calmed the situation down, and I didn't have to have some long discussion. It was easy for me. And so then, when your husband does these things, affirm any progress made. Hey, Zach's eyes lit up when you noticed him doing a good job. He really wants to please you. Hey, Kylie said you two had a really good talk over that smoothie and you didn't even lecture. I know that means a lot to her. So affirm for those things and say, hey, that was really good. Now, is your husband always going to do it the right way? At first, no. But you can't go in and say, but next time you need to do this, because he's going to be like, you know what? Nothing I do can please you. I'm not good at this. I'll just check out. So try that number eight. This will be a quick one. I'm going to tie it in with another one. Be assertive. I really like this language. It doesn't mean it's going to work. But to say, honey, it would really mean a lot to me if you just listened to this one podcast. It would really mean a lot to me. If any of you have our programs, just ask your husband. Just say, it'd mean a lot to me if you would just listen to the dad's program. Hubby, there are 16 programs in the get everything package, and I'm going to listen to 15 of them, all I want you to do is listen to one of them, because that helps us. Because I may not listen to all 16 programs, but I know that wives will devour it. Again, just get us to listen to one. It's like asking a husband to read a parenting book. Most husbands are not going to do it. It's going to be like, just read. Read the summary of it, but let us know. I like that language. It would mean a lot to me if you did that. Now, we can combine this with number nine, which is tough talk. And I have a big caveat here. You can only do this if you feel emotionally, physically, psychologically safe. I prefer that you talk to men like men talk to men, because we tend to. When we talk to each other, we tend to be very direct. We're very specific with things, and it's short and to the point. And so being able to say. And again, only if it's safe to do this, to say something like, hey, let me be very clear. We have three options here. We either listen to this podcast and work on this together, or we go to a therapist. I was going to add. Or we go see an attorney. But that will probably provoke your husband too much. Now, if you feel comfortable with that, and if you're at that spot where you've had multiple talks over the years, then feel free to do that, but use wisdom with that. Because I don't want to provoke, but I have had moms wives use that and say, look, we've got three options. We can work on this ourself, listen to this podcast or these programs. It's way less expensive than a therapist and attorney. Or let's go to a therapist. I'll let you pick the therapist. Let them pick. Like, sometimes men are more comfortable with a guy therapist because otherwise it feels like we're being teamed up on. Or we go see the attorney again. Use what wisdom with that? You could be very honest and say, look, if you had this success rate at work, you would have been fired a long time ago. Your approach with the kids is not working. Our family is falling apart. I'm willing to work on my part, but you cannot run from this. We have to work on this. You can say, I am not continuing to be the referee in this home. I. I am not your mother right now. That can be provoking. So you've got to watch that. But in some cases, your husband needs to hear a tougher approach. I've had wives before when I've worked with them. Say, look, when we were first Married and we didn't have kids. Hey. And you were doing risky things or other things, feel free to F up your own life, but not anymore. We have innocent kids that you and I brought into the world. And you and I both have issues from our childhood. But this is our mission now. It's not fair to put all of our childhood issues on our kids and expect them to manage our lives for us. Expect them to walk on eggshells. The kids walk on eggshells around you. That's not right. That's not fair. You and I both need to step up and change. So however you want to do that, I encourage you, if it's safe, try some little bits of that tough talk with your husband. Okay, number 10. I saved this one. I don't know how to label this, except that I've had a lot of wives, and my experience is this. I've had wives say to me before, the sexiest thing I've ever seen my husband do is calm our kids down. And so I think you should say that to your husbands, because a lot of men, we are motivated by money, by success, and by sex. It is very, very important to a lot of men. And what we don't realize is, well, we want to have more sex with our wife, but we often undermine that. And so if you can say, hey, when you de escalate situations and connect with the kids, that makes me want you. And so let me tell you a story to kind of close this out that you may even have your husband listen to. So very common situation in our home was this. So Casey would be in the kitchen yelling at my wife because he was frustrated, upset, whatever. And I would come in with a typical guy approach. You know, how many times have I told you not to yell at your mother? If you keep this up, you're going to lose everything you would own. And I would escalate it, and I would actually, I had a lot of resentment toward Casey when he was younger, before I could control myself. And I would take that out on him. And I just used this opportunity to kind of vent my frustration. You know what? You leave stuff all over the house. You don't do your homework. How are you ever going to be successful in life? And that would begin escalating things, and Casey would begin going up the stairs, and he'd mouth off a little bit. You know, one more word, young man. And I would. Again, I kept going and going and going. And then he would go up and slam the bedroom door, and I would go upstairs and slam you know, knock on the door, you don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect your, your father, right? And so all these things and what I realized was this. I needed my son to behave precisely because I couldn't behave. What I was really saying to him was, I need you to behave because if you don't do exactly what I say, I'm not sure I can behave. And you do not want to see me angry. That was a big wake up call for me. And then I would come downstairs feeling after I'd yelled at Casey, and I'd feel like, oh, I just stuck up for my wife. And you know what she was thinking? No, you just ruined the whole night because now I have to spend the next three hours in our son's bedroom reassuring our son that, hey, your dad loves you, but he just has some unresolved issues from childhood, right? And so I thought that I was helping out, but I was just escalating and ruining things. So I don't have time for the whole approach. But we've done it before. So many on de escalating. But remember, motion changes emotion. So when I would come into the room instead and say, hey Case, I can tell you're frustrated. Listen, I'm going to go dump some Legos on the floor. When you're ready, if you want to come in and build, why don't we build one of those spaceships? Hey Case, listen, I've got a football. I like non verbal, so I'd hold up a football when you're ready, if you want to come outside, let's play catch. Or I'd say, hey, meet me in the car in seven minutes, we'll go grab a couple tacos. And so that was a great way to de escalate situations. And what I was teaching my son was, hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not. Look, I can handle you when you're your worst. I can teach you and show you how to handle disappointment, frustration and anxiety. And so what I always, when I that used to do men's conferences, I'd say, when your wife sees you outside playing catch with your child and connecting when they walk into the room and see you're sitting on the floor building with Legos with this kid who a few minutes earlier was yelling and calling names. When your wife sees you coming home from grabbing a smoothie or tacos with your child and you're connected with your child, she will want you. That is the sexiest thing in the world to a wife and a mother is to see her husband connecting with this child that she loves more than anything else in the world. And so I encourage you as moms relay that story or maybe let your husbands listen. For some of you, you might have your husband listen to this podcast because he hears it from a guy this particular episode. And definitely, if you find episodes that you think would resonate with your husband, just say, hey, it'd mean a lot to me if you would just listen to this. It's 22 minutes long. It's 25 minutes long, and they can listen at one and a half speed. I don't care. I listen to podcasts at one and a half speed because I like it. Hey, I don't want it. All that chit chat anyway, which I'm doing right now. So, moms and dads, if you're listening, dads, you're good people. This is hard work and you're breaking generational patterns. Moms, try this. If you don't have our programs, this is a great time to tell your husband, hey, there's a Mother's Day sale. This is what I want for Mother's Day. I want our home to be calm. I want us to be on the same page. We had kids together. You were there with me. You were part of this. And that's whether you adopted or biological kids, you are part of this. We need to do this together. And doing this, Going through these programs is going to be a whole lot cheaper than therapy or divorce one day or therapy for our kids. So if we can help you in any way, always let us know. We love you all. We appreciate what you do, and talk to you soon. Okay, bye.