10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 1

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary: "10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 1"

Host: Kirk Martin
Episode Release Date: November 6, 2024
Podcast Description:
Calm Parenting Podcast by Kirk Martin offers practical strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children. Drawing from experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, Kirk provides honest, effective, and often humorous advice to help stop power struggles, yelling, and defiance.

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Introduction: Understanding Big Emotions in Children

In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses parents who are navigating the challenges of raising children with intense emotions. He emphasizes that experiencing big emotions is a natural part of child development, especially for children with conditions like ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD. Kirk reassures parents that they are not alone and introduces the first five strategies to help manage these big emotions effectively.

Notable Quote:

"[...] you want the intensity in the long run. I'll show you how to work with this."
— Kirk Martin [01:20]

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1. Expect Big Emotions

Kirk begins by encouraging parents to anticipate emotional outbursts. Recognizing that intense emotions are a given helps parents prepare mentally and emotionally, reducing their own frustration when meltdowns occur.

Key Points:

• Preparation: Start each day with the mindset that big emotions are likely.
• Non-Reactive Approach: Avoid reacting negatively when a child expresses frustration.
• Consistency: Maintain steady behavior despite the child's emotional states.

Notable Quote:

"Every day wake up and say, hey, I know my kids are going to have big emotions and meltdown today."
— Kirk Martin [02:16]

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2. Implement a Code Word

Introducing a code word serves as a tool for both parents and children to manage emotional escalations. This strategy allows for a temporary separation, giving everyone time to cool down.

Key Points:

• Mutual Agreement: Collaborate with your child to choose a suitable code word.
• Purpose: Use the code word to signal the need for a timeout from the heated situation.
• Benefits: Reduces the frequency of meltdowns and increases mutual understanding.

Notable Quote:

"If you have our get everything package, let your kids listen to Casey's Straight Talk for kids program."
— Kirk Martin [04:00]

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3. Practice Positive Intensity

Instead of dismissing a child's feelings, validate their emotions with genuine intensity. Acknowledging their frustration helps children feel understood and lessens the likelihood of escalation.

Key Points:

• Validation: Express understanding of the child’s feelings with phrases like, "I know you’re frustrated."
• Avoid Dismissal: Do not trivialize their emotions by labeling their concerns as insignificant.
• Build Self-Confidence: Genuine validation supports the child’s self-esteem.

Notable Quote:

"Instead of dismissing their emotions or trying to convince your child that there's no reason to be upset, you validate with intensity."
— Kirk Martin [06:00]

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4. Give Space and Avoid Eye Contact

Allowing children to have space during emotional outbursts can prevent further escalation. Avoiding direct eye contact helps children feel less judged and more secure in processing their emotions.

Key Points:

• Physical Space: Step away temporarily to give the child room to calm down.
• No Eye Contact: Reduces the pressure on the child and prevents them from feeling scrutinized.
• Time to Process: Enables children to reflect on their emotions independently.

Notable Quote:

"Kids need time to process their disappointment, frustration, and anger without us trying to fix them."
— Kirk Martin [11:00]

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5. Color Me Calm

Kirk introduces the "Color Me Calm" technique, which involves engaging in a calming activity like coloring alongside the child. This method helps both parent and child regulate their emotions without verbal confrontation.

Key Points:

• Self-Control: Parents must manage their own emotions before addressing the child's.
• Non-Verbal Calming: Engaging in a quiet activity shifts the dynamic and reduces tension.
• Shared Activity: Coloring together creates a peaceful environment conducive to resolving conflicts.

Practical Example: Kirk shares a story about his son Max, who would scream during meltdowns. Instead of responding with confrontation, Kirk began drawing on the steps, which helped Max regain control by focusing on the activity.

Notable Quote:

"I grab some sidewalk chalk and I sat two or three stairs below Max. [...] Instead of trying to calm him down, I controlled myself first."
— Kirk Martin [16:25]

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Additional Insights: Managing Parental Expectations and Self-Respect

Beyond the five main strategies, Kirk touches on the importance of balancing parental actions with self-care. He warns against over-accommodating children to the point of resentment and emphasizes the necessity of prioritizing one’s own needs to model self-respect.

Key Points:

• Avoid Overdoing: Don’t do everything for your child, as it can lead to resentment and entitlement.
• Self-Care: Prioritize your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
• Model Behavior: Demonstrating self-respect teaches children to treat others similarly.

Notable Quote:

"If you don't care enough about yourself to make your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs a priority, why would anyone else care?"
— Kirk Martin [07:30]

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Conclusion and Action Steps

Kirk wraps up the episode by encouraging parents to implement the five strategies discussed:

1. Expect Big Emotions: Anticipate and plan for emotional outbursts.
2. Use a Code Word: Establish a mutual signal to take breaks during conflicts.
3. Positive Intensity: Validate children’s feelings intensely and genuinely.
4. Give Space: Allow children time and physical space to process emotions.
5. Color Me Calm: Engage in calming activities to diffuse tension.

He also hints at deeper strategies to be covered in the next episode, focusing on additional methods to handle big emotions effectively.

Call to Action:

• Practice the Techniques: Encourage parents to try these strategies throughout the week.
• Stay Connected: Follow the podcast on Instagram and TikTok for more tips and community support.

Notable Quote:

"Let's practice this. Expect big emotions and disruptions to your day. Plan ahead. It's like having a fire drill to put out the emotional fire in your home."
— Kirk Martin [22:55]

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Final Thoughts: Kirk Martin’s approach in this episode is both empathetic and practical, providing parents with actionable tools to navigate their children’s intense emotions. By anticipating challenges, validating feelings, and maintaining personal calm, parents can foster a more harmonious and understanding family dynamic.

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Resources Mentioned:

• Celebrate Calm Programs: Available at www.CelebrateCalm.com
• Code Word Strategy: Incorporate into daily routines.
• Color Me Calm Activity: Use coloring as a calming technique.

For more detailed guidance, parents are encouraged to explore Kirk Martin’s additional resources and upcoming podcast episodes.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

So do you have a child who has big emotions? Well, of course you do. That's why you're listening to this podcast. Moms and dads, I don't want you to be afraid of this. You've got kids who are usually very, very bright and they get a vision for doing something. They're like old souls. They're like they want to do adult type things, but they're just kids. So they don't have the tools to carry it out, carry out their vision the way they want to do it. Many of your kids have impulse control issues and so they get really firm frustrated. These are intense kids and I promise you, you want the intensity in the long run. I'll show you how to work with this. So do you or your spouse have big emotions? Yeah, probably. It's pretty normal. So I wanted to share with you about 10 different ways to calm kids and parents with big emotions over the course of the next two podcasts.

[Mrs. Calm]

Many of these are going to be.

[Kirk Martin]

Brand new ideas I haven't shared on the podcast. You will not have heard these unless you've gone through programs. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] where we have a huge Black Friday sale going on right now. So check that out. So here are five different ideas I'm going to go through in this podcast and then we'll do five more in the next one. First idea is this. Expect it. It's not like this is something new. Don't be shocked that intense kids with big visions who picture things in their brains and they get frustrated. Don't be shocked when they respond with intense emotions. You're not doing something wrong. Moms and dads, you're not a bad parent. You have intense kids who want to do grown up things, but they don't have the tools yet to do them. And that means they will do some great things in life, but it also means they're going to be frustrated. And one of the most powerful tools is this. Every day wake up and say, hey, I know my kids are going to have big emotions and meltdown today. It's a given. So I'm going to plan for it and not be shocked or triggered when, not if it happens. And you start to think about this, hey, when I pick my kids up from school, one will vent and complain for seven minutes about why he hates school, but I won't react because I'm not responsible to fix that for him. He just needs to process it verbally that way. At the grocery store, one of my kids is going to have a big tantrum because I won't let him have a cookie from the produce department. But I'm not going to give in because his behavior and moods don't change my behavior and moods. Then when I'm cooking dinner, I will be ready for the inevitable siblings fights. Now, one of my kids is super picky, so he'll probably resist at dinner, which will trigger my spouse's big emotions. Then we'll have tears over homework and bedtime. Just know it's going to happen because it usually does. And then if you actually make it through a day without big emotions, well, that'll be kind of a bonus. Now some of you, I've got to address this. Some of you get frustrated and you escalate situations because you're doing way too much for your kids and then you become resentful. Well, I do all these things to make my kids lives so perfect and I give them things I never had as a kid and you'd think they would respond with some gratitude. Instead, they take it for granted and complain even more. I'm sick of this. Look, I get that, but you made the decision to do everything for your kids. They didn't. Maybe you're Trying to heal your inner childhood wounds by being so good to your kids because you never received that. But you can't give to others with expectations. See? Otherwise, that becomes manipulation, Right? Because I do so much for you, you owe it to me to behave well, to be thankful. That's just a flip version of what I used to do with the fear intimidation approach, right? Of like, I need you to behave, because if you don't, I'm not sure I can control myself or behave myself. Right? So stop doing everything for your kids. Apologize to them for creating this false expectation that that's how life works. Begin expecting more of your kids and making your own needs a priority. Think about this phrase. If you don't care enough about yourself to make your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs a priority, why would anyone else care? See? Begin to treat yourself like you want others to treat you. We call that demonstrating self respect. Okay, so first step, begin planning a fire drill for your home in the next 24 hours when, not if, big emotions are unleashed. What are you going to do differently next time? Number two, have a code word. This is an idea that our son came up with as we were changing as a family. In some ways, he was actually teaching me how to talk to him when he was upset. When he used to conduct school assemblies for kids, he'd teach them the idea of the code word. And if you have our get everything package, let your kids listen to Casey's Straight Talk for kids program. They'll listen because it's a kid talking to kids about how to control themselves and get more freedom. So this is what Casey would say to your kids. Look, nothing helpful happens when you continue to talk and argue. If you're already frustrated and upset, you end up saying things to your parents that you don't mean, and then you're going to lose your screens. What you need is some space and time to reset. But how do you stop once you've started to get frustrated? And Casey would tell them, my dad and I used a code word. It can be anything. For us, it was chips and salsa. Did we actually eat chips and salsa every time? No, but what the code phrase meant was, hey, let's be quiet. No more words. We're going to separate for a few minutes and then talk later. Try this. Sometimes use the code word. You can separate, chill out, and then chat when you're calm. And what Casey assured and reassured your kids was, you'll get in trouble less often and you'll actually have more freedom by doing this. And look, as parents, you could ask your kids what they want the code word to be. That means you need to stop talking and lecturing and yelling. I did that with Casey as well. He would give me a code word, and I'd say, you know what? Apologize. That's on me.

[Mrs. Calm]

That was my issue.

[Kirk Martin]

I just kept going on and on. Okay, number three, we've been through this before, but I want to show you kind of a different twist to this. It's about giving kids positive intensity, because many of your kids get extremely upset and even destructive when little things go wrong. Or they'll get upset over things that you perceive are just trivial little things. So let's say your child comes home from school and immediately begins building a catapult because they're cool. Because our kids have little engineering brains. They're fascinated with how things work. That's why they tinker with things, including your brain, because they can see patterns in your arguments and thinking and in patterns and how things fit together. So I love buying old electronics from a thrift store for kids to work on. So your child's building, and after a little while, you hear that dreaded sound. Your child raging, upset, lashing out. His catapult didn't turn out exactly how he had pictured it in his brain or seen it online. So he's clearly overreacting and destroying the catapult he spent so much time working on. And you'll hear your child saying things like, this catapult is stupid. I'm stupid. I hate myself. And most good parents will walk into the room and say something like, honey, that was a really good catapult. I thought you did a great job with that. Now, look, some of you are still using that really sweet voice with your kids when they're upset. And I'm telling you, it will enrage them because it sounds condescending and it makes them feel like you're not taking this seriously. It's like you're trying to convince them that what they created was good so that they won't be upset. And here is also why it escalates and enrages your child. Here's what they're thinking. All day at school, I've been thinking about making this catapult because I like building and tinkering with things to see how they work. Look, I'm not really good at school or sports or following directions like my perfect siblings. I'm always in trouble, and this is one thing I'm supposed to be good at. But this stupid catapult didn't work right. So I Feel like a loser who can't do anything right. And then you walk in the room and act like it's no big deal. But that just shows you don't understand me and don't realize this strikes at the core of my self confidence and this is why I have big emotions over this. Can you kind of see that in dismissing your child's frustration because it seems trivial or because you're uncomfortable with their big emotions, your child now feels completely misunderstood. And I will tell you with strong will kids, it is one of their biggest triggers and it will cause bad long term effects when you get to the teenage years. So instead of dismissing their emotions or trying to convince your child that there's no reason to be upset over something so trivial, you validate with intensity. You know, of course you're frustrated. You put a lot of effort into that and it didn't work the way you wanted. That's frustrating. See, we all want that kind of validation when we're upset. It's calming. Yeah, you know what, If I were you, I'd be really disappointed. See, those are great phrases. And this happens all the time with our kids. If you do have our programs, listen to the strong Willed child program because it will give you so much insight into how these kids think and that will stop so many meltdowns, power struggles, and it'll stop these big emotions from escalating. Okay, number four, we've talked about this. Give your child space. And no eye contact when they're upset because nobody likes to be watched when they're melting down. So you remove yourself from a minute. Oh, you know, I need to go to the bathroom. When I get back, we'll problem solve this. See, kids need time to process their disappointment, frustration and anger without us trying to fix them, without us watching them. And I don't like giving eye contact to kids when they're really upset because they're usually beating themselves up inside. They're embarrassed by their meltdown. And you're going to see this in our next example. So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday, I wish I.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

So number five this I call Color Me Calm. And I'm going to show you how to do this for little kids and even teenagers. Because one of the foundational things we have to realize when we're trying to calm upset kids, we have to control ourselves first. It simply does not work if you or your spouse cannot control your own emotions. There's no blame and no guilt. But the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Otherwise you're just going to escalate situations all the time. So that's why I like to sit. I adopt an even matter of fact tone without emotion, without pleading, without trying to convince my child of something. So one of my favorite stories is back in the day when we used to have these camps at our home. We'd invite 10 to 15 strong will kids, kids on the spectrum to our home and what we wanted to do is put them in real life situations in which they struggled. Like we would change plans on them at the last moment. Social skills are really hard for our kids. We would also disappoint them on purpose, and they would end up melting down. And there was this one little guy, his name was Max. And Max had a lot of anxiety.

[Mrs. Calm]

And he would go out on the.

[Kirk Martin]

Front steps of our home. We lived in his townhome, surrounded by hundreds of homes outside of D.C. and so he would stand at the top of the stairs and just scream like those blood curdling screams. And I think he was partly upset and partly just trying to embarrass us with the neighbors. And so one day I went out and instead of trying to calm him down, remember we've talked about that. My goal isn't to calm him down at first. It's control myself. It is also to give him something in control of. We always had the sidewalk chalk that the kids always used all over our steps and on driveway. And so I walked outside, I grabbed the sidewalk chalk and I sat two or three stairs below Max.

[Mrs. Calm]

Why?

[Kirk Martin]

We just talked about that. I don't want to stand over him. I wasn't looking at him. I just began drawing on our steps. And about a minute later, Max stopped screaming. And I heard him say, Mr. Cook, you don't know how to draw very well. And instead of getting offended. Right. Stop taking things personally from a child. I can't believe that you would say that to a grown adult. Of course he's gonna say that because they're kind of honest kids.

[Mrs. Calm]

And he was right.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm not good at drawing. So I said, yeah, I'm not very good, Max.

[Mrs. Calm]

Notice the tone.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm not saying, hey, buddy, I know it's really hard here. See, that makes it worse. It's condescending. So instead of, you know what, Max? You're right, I don't. Hey, could you show me how to draw? And so he came down and he started drawing on the steps and he was showing me and teaching me something huge calming tool, right? Because now he's kind of back in control of himself and this situation. He's feeling mastery. You know what's really interesting? I didn't have that written down as one of my key points, but let's add that as like number six and number seven. So giving them something they feel in control of, taking back control of the situation and feeling mastery over something. Because he wasn't mastering his emotions, but he was with the drawing. That is really, really cool. And notice there wasn't any eye contact going On. And so once we started into it and he was calmed down, now, I could talk to him, say, so I noticed that that wasn't going well for you inside. I'm curious, what was the hardest part of that for you, Max? So I wasn't saying, why were you yelling? Why did you get so upset? I'm just talking to him like a normal adult, saying, hey, I could tell that was hard for you. And I'm curious what was the hardest part? So try that sometime. It is really, really cool. But what do you do with older kids, like, teens? So picture this. Picture a mom and teenage daughter at a standstill. Teenage daughter is coming at mom with teenage tone and attitude. And mom has every right to respond. Young lady, you will not talk to me like that. And I said it to my son once, and he said, just did. Yeah, he was a tough kid. So mom wisely doesn't take the bait, doesn't take it personally, because you kind of expect this from teens and tweens. Instead, she recognizes her daughter is in an irrational place. So rational talk won't work. That's one of our issues. We keep thinking that, well, we'll just give them. It's kind of like love and logic at times does not work with our kids because they are in an emotional place. They're not thinking rationally. So she's not going to convince her daughter to speak kindly to her. That's annoying in that moment. And she doesn't want to keep escalating the situation. So mom sits at the table, grabs some paper and maybe a pencil or some crayons and begins to draw or color, just focusing on herself. And maybe she pushes a couple sheets of paper over and a couple. Maybe even a coloring book. I used to advocate, keep a few.

[Mrs. Calm]

Coloring books on hand.

[Kirk Martin]

Why Coloring is so calming, right? It's virtually impossible to color or draw and scream at other humans. So she pushes, kind of pushes these crayons and some papers over in front of her daughter. Doesn't say a word. Now teenage daughter is doing what? Staring at her mom like, what are you doing, you weirdo? And mom takes her tone down a notch. Because you remember I like to lead instead of, like, well, I'm the authority figure. The child needs to apologize to me for her tone. No, I'm the grown adult. I'm the authority figure, which means I'm supposed to be the leader, so I lead. Mom takes her tone down a notch. You know what? I can tell you're frustrated. I'd like to hear what's going on when she says that without even looking up at her daughter. So look, you can give your daughter or son a caring, knowing look and that would be okay, but for some kids, it's just annoying. So experiment with it, and if it doesn't work, don't do it. But mom could also say this. You know what, honey, I've had a long day. I'm frustrated, too. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. See, that kind of humility will break down walls, and I guarantee you that will lead to an apology from your child. So, daughter, somewhat reluctantly at first, the teenage daughter who has, you know, was a few minutes ago wrapped up in her big emotions. Because everything in the teen world and tween world is immediate now, in the moment, with such urgency. And it's all that matters. And if I don't get out to hang out with my friends, I'm going to be left out and my whole life will be ruined. That's their world. That's what it's like. And it's even worse now because of social media. It's so pervasive and immediate and constant and visual. So mom didn't try to convince her daughter that everything's okay, and she didn't try to calm her down. She calmed herself down first. She slowed herself down. She slowed that runaway train, that confrontation situation, because how many of you do this? You get wrapped up and you're like, you know what? I may as well just go for it.

[Mrs. Calm]

I'm tired.

[Kirk Martin]

And then you regret it later. And she did this by coloring because it is hard to yell and scream while you're physically sitting and coloring. It changes the dynamic and you know what you're doing. She just drew her daughter in. She led her daughter to a calm place. And now picture a mom and a teenage daughter are sitting together, each coloring. See, it's grounding, it's settling. It provides a focus, something you both can control in that moment. And the sensory feel of the crayon or pencil in your hand as it brushes against the paper, it feels good and settling. And so both of them are looking down at their sheets of paper and that confrontation and urgency is gone. And now they can talk and they can problem solve and they're together. It's not having the daughter sent to her room to think about her attitude. Mom drew her there, and now they both have a different tone. Look, you may not choose to color with your kids. That's perfectly fine. There are 50 other things you could do. You may need to do something more intense and physical. When your kids are upset. So we're going to cover that in the next episode because we're going to learn why hitting a pillow or doing breathing exercises usually don't work with our intense kids. And they don't work with me either. Now, if you have that Discipline that Works program, I spent an hour on this, this whole idea of kids who are being aggressive. I did that in great detail. So if you have the programs, it's downloaded, I updated, it's downloaded to your phone now and it's in take advantage definitely of the Black Friday sale. Look, if you need help financially, email Casey, because we want you to have the programs and the tools, but just reach out to us. So for the next few days, let's do this. Let's practice this. Expect big emotions and disruptions to your day. Plan ahead. It's like having a fire drill to put out the emotional fire in your home. Banish that overly sweet voice and practice an even, matter of fact, businesslike tone that communicates. I've seen this before, I've done this before, and I've got this. I'm not moved or thrown by this at all. Have a code word. Remember to use positive intensity in different situations. When kids are pushing buttons, picking on siblings, freaking out, and over changes in plans or disappointment, use that intensity and come up with your own version of Color Me Calm. What can you do that calms you and leads your child to a calm place? Let's do that this week. Hey, thank you for listening. On the next episode, I'm going to take you through five different ideas, but let's work on these. I appreciate you working so hard at this. I have so much respect for you for doing this. I appreciate you sharing the podcast and I'll see many of you kind of on Instagram, even on TikTok sometimes. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And we'll talk to you later. Love you all. Bye.