Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary: "10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 1"
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode Release Date: November 6, 2024
Podcast Description:
Calm Parenting Podcast by Kirk Martin offers practical strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children. Drawing from experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, Kirk provides honest, effective, and often humorous advice to help stop power struggles, yelling, and defiance.
Introduction: Understanding Big Emotions in Children
In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses parents who are navigating the challenges of raising children with intense emotions. He emphasizes that experiencing big emotions is a natural part of child development, especially for children with conditions like ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD. Kirk reassures parents that they are not alone and introduces the first five strategies to help manage these big emotions effectively.
Notable Quote:
"[...] you want the intensity in the long run. I'll show you how to work with this."
— Kirk Martin [01:20]
1. Expect Big Emotions
Kirk begins by encouraging parents to anticipate emotional outbursts. Recognizing that intense emotions are a given helps parents prepare mentally and emotionally, reducing their own frustration when meltdowns occur.
Key Points:
- Preparation: Start each day with the mindset that big emotions are likely.
- Non-Reactive Approach: Avoid reacting negatively when a child expresses frustration.
- Consistency: Maintain steady behavior despite the child's emotional states.
Notable Quote:
"Every day wake up and say, hey, I know my kids are going to have big emotions and meltdown today."
— Kirk Martin [02:16]
2. Implement a Code Word
Introducing a code word serves as a tool for both parents and children to manage emotional escalations. This strategy allows for a temporary separation, giving everyone time to cool down.
Key Points:
- Mutual Agreement: Collaborate with your child to choose a suitable code word.
- Purpose: Use the code word to signal the need for a timeout from the heated situation.
- Benefits: Reduces the frequency of meltdowns and increases mutual understanding.
Notable Quote:
"If you have our get everything package, let your kids listen to Casey's Straight Talk for kids program."
— Kirk Martin [04:00]
3. Practice Positive Intensity
Instead of dismissing a child's feelings, validate their emotions with genuine intensity. Acknowledging their frustration helps children feel understood and lessens the likelihood of escalation.
Key Points:
- Validation: Express understanding of the child’s feelings with phrases like, "I know you’re frustrated."
- Avoid Dismissal: Do not trivialize their emotions by labeling their concerns as insignificant.
- Build Self-Confidence: Genuine validation supports the child’s self-esteem.
Notable Quote:
"Instead of dismissing their emotions or trying to convince your child that there's no reason to be upset, you validate with intensity."
— Kirk Martin [06:00]
4. Give Space and Avoid Eye Contact
Allowing children to have space during emotional outbursts can prevent further escalation. Avoiding direct eye contact helps children feel less judged and more secure in processing their emotions.
Key Points:
- Physical Space: Step away temporarily to give the child room to calm down.
- No Eye Contact: Reduces the pressure on the child and prevents them from feeling scrutinized.
- Time to Process: Enables children to reflect on their emotions independently.
Notable Quote:
"Kids need time to process their disappointment, frustration, and anger without us trying to fix them."
— Kirk Martin [11:00]
5. Color Me Calm
Kirk introduces the "Color Me Calm" technique, which involves engaging in a calming activity like coloring alongside the child. This method helps both parent and child regulate their emotions without verbal confrontation.
Key Points:
- Self-Control: Parents must manage their own emotions before addressing the child's.
- Non-Verbal Calming: Engaging in a quiet activity shifts the dynamic and reduces tension.
- Shared Activity: Coloring together creates a peaceful environment conducive to resolving conflicts.
Practical Example: Kirk shares a story about his son Max, who would scream during meltdowns. Instead of responding with confrontation, Kirk began drawing on the steps, which helped Max regain control by focusing on the activity.
Notable Quote:
"I grab some sidewalk chalk and I sat two or three stairs below Max. [...] Instead of trying to calm him down, I controlled myself first."
— Kirk Martin [16:25]
Additional Insights: Managing Parental Expectations and Self-Respect
Beyond the five main strategies, Kirk touches on the importance of balancing parental actions with self-care. He warns against over-accommodating children to the point of resentment and emphasizes the necessity of prioritizing one’s own needs to model self-respect.
Key Points:
- Avoid Overdoing: Don’t do everything for your child, as it can lead to resentment and entitlement.
- Self-Care: Prioritize your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
- Model Behavior: Demonstrating self-respect teaches children to treat others similarly.
Notable Quote:
"If you don't care enough about yourself to make your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs a priority, why would anyone else care?"
— Kirk Martin [07:30]
Conclusion and Action Steps
Kirk wraps up the episode by encouraging parents to implement the five strategies discussed:
- Expect Big Emotions: Anticipate and plan for emotional outbursts.
- Use a Code Word: Establish a mutual signal to take breaks during conflicts.
- Positive Intensity: Validate children’s feelings intensely and genuinely.
- Give Space: Allow children time and physical space to process emotions.
- Color Me Calm: Engage in calming activities to diffuse tension.
He also hints at deeper strategies to be covered in the next episode, focusing on additional methods to handle big emotions effectively.
Call to Action:
- Practice the Techniques: Encourage parents to try these strategies throughout the week.
- Stay Connected: Follow the podcast on Instagram and TikTok for more tips and community support.
Notable Quote:
"Let's practice this. Expect big emotions and disruptions to your day. Plan ahead. It's like having a fire drill to put out the emotional fire in your home."
— Kirk Martin [22:55]
Final Thoughts: Kirk Martin’s approach in this episode is both empathetic and practical, providing parents with actionable tools to navigate their children’s intense emotions. By anticipating challenges, validating feelings, and maintaining personal calm, parents can foster a more harmonious and understanding family dynamic.
Resources Mentioned:
- Celebrate Calm Programs: Available at www.CelebrateCalm.com
- Code Word Strategy: Incorporate into daily routines.
- Color Me Calm Activity: Use coloring as a calming technique.
For more detailed guidance, parents are encouraged to explore Kirk Martin’s additional resources and upcoming podcast episodes.