Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Title: 10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 2 (Why Punching Pillows Doesn’t Work)
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: November 10, 2024

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves deeper into effective strategies for managing children with intense emotions. Building upon the five techniques discussed in the previous episode, Kirk introduces five additional tools (completing a ten-point framework) designed to help parents navigate and alleviate their children's emotional turbulence. The episode is rich with practical advice, personal anecdotes, and actionable steps, making it a valuable resource for parents dealing with strong-willed or neurodivergent children.

Recap of Previous Strategies ([01:20])

Kirk begins by briefly summarizing the five strategies from the last episode:

1. Expect Meltdowns: Anticipate emotional outbursts to better prepare.
2. Have a Code Word: Establish a signal to refer to emotional moments.
3. Use Positive Intensity: Channel the child’s energy constructively.
4. Give Space to Process: Allow children time alone to manage their feelings.
5. Control Yourself and Lead Calmly: Maintain parental composure to set an example.

He emphasizes that while these methods are effective, some situations demand more robust physical tools to handle heightened or aggressive emotions.

Additional Strategies (Points 6-10)

6. Observe Your Kids for Clues ([03:00])

Kirk highlights the importance of observation in understanding what calms each child. By paying close attention to their behaviors, parents can identify specific activities that help their children regain control.

Example:
"We had kids who loved fixing things. When they got upset, I’d give them a challenge like fixing a broken broom with duct tape. It provided a mission and something tangible to focus on, shifting their attention from frustration to problem-solving."

Another observation involved children removing sofa cushions to lie on the hard surface, indicating a need for sensory pressure. Kirk implemented a code word "sofa," allowing children to engage in this behavior with a structured outcome—placing the cushions back and applying gentle pressure, which immediately calmed them.

7. Punching Pillows and Breathing Often Don’t Work ([07:00])

Contrary to common advice, Kirk explains that methods like punching pillows or breathing exercises often fail for children with intense emotions. Instead, he advocates for movement-based strategies that align with the child’s natural needs.

Notable Quote:
"Using movement is a tool we use to help a child begin to self-regulate. Instead of telling them to stop yelling or hitting, you give them something they can do and make it a mission or a challenge." ([07:15])

Strategies Include:

• Obstacle Courses: Create physical challenges using household items.
• Martial Arts or Rock Climbing: Enroll children in activities that burn off excess energy.
• Sensory Activities: Encourage activities that provide tactile and physical engagement.

Kirk shares a listener’s successful implementation of using ice trays for safe, satisfying physical release:
"We made little trays of ice cubes and threw them against our brick wall. It felt satisfying and harmless, allowing my son to express frustration without harming anyone or anything." ([10:26])

8. Affirm Your Kids When They Make Progress ([16:13])

Affirmation plays a critical role in reinforcing positive behavior. Kirk advises parents to acknowledge and praise progress rather than seeking perfection.

Notable Quote:
"Affirm your kids when they do a good job. Not I don't praise, I don't wait for perfection. It's never coming with human beings. I praise for progress so they know, okay, that was good, I did a better job." ([16:13])

By recognizing even small victories, such as reducing meltdown duration, parents can boost their children’s self-esteem and encourage continued emotional growth.

9. Use the Phrase "Hey, When You're Ready" ([19:42])

This powerful phrase offers children a sense of agency and control during emotional outbursts. Instead of demanding immediate compliance, it provides an open invitation for engagement on the child’s terms.

Notable Quote:
"When you say 'hey, when you're ready,' it gives your kids something they feel in control of at that very moment. It's huge because these kids value their independence and agency." ([19:44])

Examples of Usage:

• Physical Activities as Invitations:
  "Hey, when you're ready, come out, we'll play catch and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with." ([19:44])

• Creative Engagement:
  "Hey, when you're ready, bring some snacks down and we'll draw together." ([19:44])

This approach reduces resistance and fosters a collaborative environment where children feel respected and empowered.

10. Stop the Shame Cycle and Model Calm Behavior ([19:44] onwards)

Arguably the most profound strategy, Kirk underscores the necessity of modeling calm behavior. He shares a deeply personal story about his relationship with his son, Casey, illustrating how parental reactions significantly impact a child's emotional well-being.

Personal Anecdote:
"I almost destroyed my relationship with Casey when he was young. He was so emotional and reactive, and I responded with irritation instead of support. He felt helpless and saw me as someone who didn’t like him, exacerbating his feelings of shame and failure." ([19:44])

Through self-reflection and intentional change, Kirk learned to:

• Control His Own Emotions: Instead of reacting with anger, he engaged in physical activities like doing push-ups with Casey.
• Create Bonding Opportunities: They developed shared activities that promoted mutual understanding and emotional support.
• Transform Teaching Moments: Every emotional outburst became an opportunity to impart life skills, emphasizing the importance of handling disappointment and frustration.

Key Takeaways:

• Parents must model the behavior they wish to see in their children. Calmness, patience, and empathy from parents teach children to emulate these traits.
• Reactive behaviors, such as yelling or showing disdain, can internalize shame and exacerbate emotional struggles in children.
• Consistent modeling and positive reinforcement help children develop essential life skills for emotional regulation, placing them ahead of many peers in emotional intelligence.

Conclusion

Kirk Martin's episode provides a comprehensive and compassionate approach to parenting children with big emotions. From observing behavior and utilizing physical activities to affirming progress and modeling calmness, each strategy is designed to empower both the child and the parent. By implementing these ten strategies, parents can transform challenging moments into opportunities for growth, fostering a harmonious and respectful family environment.

Final Notable Quote:
"If we can teach your child how to control his or her emotions when disappointed and frustrated, your child will be ahead of 99% of adults. It's more important than anything they will ever learn in school." ([19:44])

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to embrace these strategies and celebrate their progress, reinforcing that their efforts are instrumental in shaping emotionally resilient and respectful children.

For more resources and detailed programs, visit Celebrate Calm or contact them directly at Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.