C (10:26)

Why?

A (10:26)

It works off some of that angst. So I just got an email from a dad who said, look, I listen to your programs and this one weird idea has worked really well. We made little trays of ice cubes that we take. And when I have a bad day, I'll throw them against our brick wall. And it feels satisfying to throw something. See the ice splatter and not hurting anything. And I'm not even hurting anyone or anything. Not hurting our house. And so my son will now say, dad, can we throw some ice? And we Go do it together. And I know the neighbors must think we're weird, but I don't care because it's been a great tool for us. So I was talking to this mom once. We were texting back and forth, and she said, my daughter's like, she's starting to get aggressive and destructive. What do I do? And I said, well, do you have a basement? She said, yeah. And I said, is there like a sofa down there? And she said, yeah, an old one. I said, oh, here's what I want you to do. You kind of walk out of the room because we don't give a lot of eye contact and a lot of that negative intensity to our kids and just say, oh, you know what? I just remembered I need to email your grandma about something. Listen, I don't know if you can do this, but I was going to clean downstairs in the basement. Do you think you could move the sofa from one side of the room to the other? Because that really helped me out. And then a mom walked out of the room, gave no eye contact, not a lot of attention to her daughter. Right then she said she heard her daughter run downstairs. Here's things being moved. Mom gives it a couple minutes, goes downstairs, and what does she end up seeing? She sees her daughter had moved the sofa from one end of the room to the other. And she was standing there beaming and asked, is this what you wanted? And see, there's something in here that we don't realize. When your kids are really upset and feel out of control, they're beating themselves up. That's why I don't like the eye contact, because they're like, I'm stupid. Why can't I control myself? Nobody else in our home gets this upset. It's just me. And instead, now her daughter was beaming because she had just done something she was good at doing. Because when we ask our kids, like, why did you do that? They're like, I don't know. I don't know why I do these things, but I know it's bad and it's wrong and I'm the bad kid in the family. But now, by giving her daughter something very physical and sensory to do that she would be good at doing, we just created a success. And now see that that's partly from observing your kids and knowing that they're doing that. I have a lot of kids who like doing outdoor work, shoveling mulch. And look, if you have kids who are being really aggressive, I encourage you, go through the Discipline that Works program. I just completely updated that thing. It's a four and a half hours alone. For those of you who already have our programs, it's already downloaded onto your app last month, so give that a listen. Or if you get the Black Friday sale, listen to that one. It's fantastic. It's about an hour long on dealing with kids who are hitting you, hitting siblings. But I can't cover that in a podcast because there's a lot that goes into that underneath the surface. Okay, let's get on to number eight. I like this one a lot.

C (13:41)

So let's geek out together for a minute over Gut Health because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the.

A (13:48)

Food that help fuel the growth of.

C (13:50)

Healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast.

A (14:08)

It's a quick, easy win because I.

C (14:10)

Start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.

A (14:16)

I just don't have that stomach distress.

C (14:18)

Anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think.

A (14:31)

You should as well.

C (14:32)

AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift.

A (14:36)

When you sign up, you'll get a.

C (14:38)

Welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut. When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees. And they helped us get the exact privacy in flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code calm at checkout. That's an additional 15 off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com CALM offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

A (16:13)

I want you to simply affirm your kids when they make progress. I'm going to keep this one short. Just notice when your kids make progress, calming down, even saying, hey, that was a nice job earlier. You got really frustrated and you started down that angry path but then you caught yourself and you calmed down, man, it just shows me you're growing up. And then whenever I pray strong will kids, I always move on to something else. I don't draw a lot of attention to it. I walk out of the room. It's planting a lot of seeds. But I'll just repeat this. Affirm your kids when they do a good job. Not I don't praise, I don't wait for perfection. It's never coming with human beings. I praise for progress so they know, okay, that was good, I did a better job. Some of your kids, realistically, if they normally have 45 minute meltdowns and they stop after 30 minutes because they decide to give you a code word or do something physical, that's progress. And I'm noticing that. Okay, number nine, I love this one. It is a very, very powerful tool. I want you to begin using the phrase, hey, when you're ready. Now I want to give you a couple examples because here, look, you can't use it this way. Hey son, when you're ready, get your shoes on, we need to go to an appointment. You're never going to that appointment. I don't use it then. I use it in an emotional situation when your kids are kind of melting down. I'll give you a couple examples because look, if you come into a room and say, you need to calm down right now, young man, it'll just escalate and the child will resist you. If you demand that a strong willed child apologize right now, they will scream no and you'll end up with a big fight. So Casey would be upset and I'd begin using this phrase, hey, I'm going to go outside and I'd be holding a football because I like non verbals when kids are upset, not a lot of words. Hey, when you're ready, come out, we'll play catch and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Or I would come in and say, hey, I'm going to Go dump the Legos out on the floor. When you're ready, come on in and we'll finish that up. That spaceship we began earlier, I love the phrase and I'll tell you why in a minute. I had a dad whose childlike to draw and he would come into the room with a couple sketch pads, again, a visual and say, hey, I'm going to be in the basement drawing. When you're ready, bring some snacks down and we'll draw together. See, I wasn't trying to calm the child down. The child didn't become a project. Someone who had to be calmed. I was inviting in. But here's the beauty of those words. When you demand something of a strong willed child, they will almost always automatically resist when you say hey, when you're ready, it gives your kids something they feel in control of in that very moment. It's huge. Because these kids value their independence and agency and ownership. And this is especially important when they're upset. Because when you're upset, everything feels like it's out of control. And so when you say hey, when you're ready, it's almost like it releases them to do what's right, but in their timing. And I like all these examples because we're inviting the child to be with us instead of sending them to their room, but we're giving them some agency this week. Try that when you're ready thing.

C (19:42)

It is very, very powerful.

A (19:44)

You'd even use it with your spouse because then you're not demanding number 10, stop the shame cycle that makes kids feel helpless. And I believe the absolute most powerful tool to help kids with big emotions is to model how to do this yourself. I almost destroyed my relationship with Casey when he was young. He was so emotional, so reactive, and it just irritated me. And I think it bothered me so much because it required something of me emotionally, skills I didn't yet have even as a grown man. Patience, understanding, empathy, communication. And look, he was a very difficult kid. He's a neurodivergent kid. I'm a neurodivergent adult. Adult. So we're both like impulsive and emotional, all these things. And so we would just trigger each other a lot and he would react to some disappointment or change in plans or even something seemingly trivial like we've talked about. Then he would look up to me, his dad, and I realized later he was looking up at me to his dad, you know, the one who was supposed to be the adult, looking up at me with pleading eyes as if to say, can you please help Me, here, I don't know why this makes me cry or scream or shut down or become defiant. And I don't like when you're angry at me, but you never really help me. And I need help. See, he was looking to me for help, but I was too busy kind of shaking my head in disappointment or looking visibly irritated. Because the truth is that in ways I was looking down at him, hoping he'd just stop it, quit, cut it out, figure this out and stop making these situations so uncomfortable. See, I kind of needed him to stop and behave so that I could behave. And so here's this little kid and could be a teenager or even now, right? He's a 31 year old, still figuring out how life works, looking to his mom or dad for help, feeling helpless. And we just respond with a sigh, a groan, a shaking head, a disapproving look. And that crushes our kids. It absolutely destroys something inside of them. And I realized along the way that he was internalizing my disappointment in him. He was feeling like more of a failure, and it made him feel embarrassed and humiliated. And think about this. At the very moment he felt helpless to calm down or deal with frustration or disappointment, I showed my disappointment in him. That was brutal. And I remember, I could see it on his face. Face. And this is when situations escalate even more. Because here's what Casey has now been able to verbalize about those times during some of our. When we do some longer hikes now, we're kind of reconstructing some of the childhood stuff that was going on. And I think you'll find this kind of helpful and sobering. He said, dad, I already felt helpless and out of control. I didn't know what to do. I was looking to you to show me how to handle this because you were my dad and in some ways my hero. And I saw how successful you had been in business, at sports, at stuff I wasn't good at. And I looked up to you and I thought you'd be able to help me, but you just looked at me with what felt to be like disdain, like you didn't even like me. Like, this is even hard to read right now, right? Just give me a sec. Like you didn't like me, Like I wasn't even your son. And I felt that, like, in my bones, that it was too much to bear. And I already felt like a failure. But now my dad is mad at me and I'm going to get even more trouble and feel like even more of a failure. And listen to this. Insight from Casey. That's when I would explode. Because I thought, if I'm going down, you are, too. I'm not going to be the only one out of control in this home. It's bad enough to be the bad kid with two parents looking at you, but at least now I wouldn't be alone in my shame. Now that's some deep insight into what's happening inside your kids. And I remember once seeing that shame register on his face and thinking, I can't do to my son what my dad did to me and to my brothers. And that's really what inspired us to do what we do today. And that set me on the hardest challenge of my life. To learn how to stop reacting, to control my own emotions, and to model how to handle disappointment and frustration in life. And so I encourage you model this for your kids every day. I think lectures are a large waste of time. It's a sign of parental anxiety. I don't think you heard me the first 350 times I told you this, so maybe you'll listen this time. Look, our kids watch everything we do, and then they emulate us. Where did we learn to react like this? From our own parents. So begin to choose to model how to react calmly to your own anxiety. And if you want to have a calm, respectful child, I will then act in a calm, respectful way whenever I get upset at another driver, another parent, a teacher, a salesperson, a hotel clerk. Practice this so you begin to retrain each of your reactions. Because all learning is repetition, and we already have enough practice screaming and stomping through the house and lecturing. The truth is, moms and dads, you and I, we are our kids greatest lecture. And your kids will do what they see you doing. And that's when I began by sitting down, asking questions instead of lecturing, learning how to reset myself. It's when I began coming home frustrated. But instead of slamming the front door, barking at Casey, I'd say, man, I had a really rough day at work. Traffic was backed up. I'm frustrated. Would you do 10 push ups with me? And what I was modeling with this to my son. My dad gets upset and he gets frustrated, but instead of yelling, he does his push ups. And so we began finding ways to bond over physical activities. Look, it's age 30 now. We still bond over physical activities now. And that's when our relationship began to heal, when I stopped reacting and shaming and began teaching and showing them how to handle life. That's what we're after anyway, right? It's not about getting our kids to behave. It's about giving them life skills to handle the inevitable disappointment, challenges, changes, and frustration in life. Because if we don't learn how to calm down, watch how insidious. These episodes usually unfold at the exact moment when our kids are crying out for help. We push them away from us in anger instead of using this as a teachable moment. And we model the exact behavior we want to discourage. We deal with our own anxiety by yelling at them. So we're going to reverse course on this. Okay. Does this take time? Yeah, but so does freaking out and creating more drama. This is what parenting is all about. Turning the nastiest moments into teaching opportunities. I think the reason that Casey and I are so close to this day is because we fought each other so hard and we both wrestled with this together throughout his childhood. He was actually watching me finally change as an adult right in front of him. And so that's why we have to slow our life down. Otherwise, we mask all of our issues and we just threaten kids to get them to obey outwardly. And I don't want to do that. I want to deal with their ick and the stuff going on within them so they know they can trust me with their toughest issues as teenagers. Because if you can teach your child how to control his or her emotions when disappointed and frustrated, your child will be ahead of 99% of adults. It's more important than anything they will ever learn in school. So we have our marching orders. Moms and dads, we've got a game plan here. Begin working on this. Go through it. Pick one of these strategies. Begin working on that way.

B (28:37)

Get it.

A (28:37)

Progress. Look, praise yourself for progress. When you do a good job, say, you know what? That was a good job. Because usually I react and I blow things up into a 15 minute drama, but instead, I started down that path, but I caught myself. You're retraining yourself. If we can help you take advantage of that Black Friday sale, because that's what our programs do. We go through the step by step with all the situations. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey. He'll help. You want these. We want you to have these tools. So thank you for listening to the podcast, thank you for sharing the podcast, and thank you for doing the hard work. I respect you so much for this. So if we can help you, let us know. Okay? Love you all. Bye.