Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary: "10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 2 (Why Punching Pillows Doesn’t Work)"

Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm
Release Date: November 10, 2024

Introduction

In the latest installment of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin continues the discussion from the previous episode, diving deeper into strategies for managing children with intense emotions. Building upon the initial five ideas, this episode introduces five additional tools (numbered six to ten) designed to help parents navigate challenging emotional landscapes with their kids. Kirk draws from his extensive experience working with over 1,500 children, many with conditions like ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, offering practical and heartfelt advice to foster calm and understanding within the family dynamic.

1. Observe Your Kids for Clues (6:00)

Kirk emphasizes the importance of keen observation to understand what truly soothes a child during emotional upheavals. By paying close attention to a child’s natural behaviors and preferences, parents can identify effective calming strategies tailored to their child’s unique needs.

Quote:

"Your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do. So you simply begin observing them and what they do naturally." (04:32)

Example:
Kirk shares his experience with children who enjoy fixing things. When these kids become upset, instead of engaging in prolonged conversations or directives, he offers a tangible task, such as repairing a broken broom with duct tape. This approach not only diverts their focus but also leverages their strengths, providing a sense of control and accomplishment.

2. Physical Movement Over Verbal Instructions (7:00)

Traditional methods like punching pillows or deep breathing exercises often fall short for children with high emotional intensity. Kirk suggests incorporating physical activities that align with the child’s natural inclinations to manage their emotions more effectively.

Quote:

"Punching a pillow can feel deeply unsatisfying... Instead of telling them what not to do, you give your child something they can do and you make it a mission or sometimes even a challenge." (07:00)

Strategies:

• Obstacle Courses: Setting up simple courses using household items encourages physical exertion and sensory engagement.
• Martial Arts or Rock Climbing: These activities provide structured physical outlets that help in regulating emotions.
• Creative Physical Activities: Engaging in activities like drawing or building together can also serve as calming exercises.

Real-Life Application:
A listener shared how throwing ice cubes against a brick wall provided a safe and satisfying outlet for his son’s frustrations without causing damage or harm, illustrating the practicality of tailored physical activities.

3. Affirm Progress, Not Perfection (8:00)

Acknowledging and celebrating small victories is crucial in reinforcing positive behavior and emotional regulation. Kirk advises parents to recognize and affirm their children’s efforts to manage their emotions, fostering a growth mindset.

Quote:

"Affirm your kids when they make progress. Do a good job... It's never coming with human beings. I praise for progress." (15:13)

Implementation:
When a child successfully navigates a meltdown or uses coping strategies effectively, parents should acknowledge this progress with statements like, “That was a nice job calming down,” thereby reinforcing the desired behavior without placing unrealistic expectations on perfection.

4. Empower with the Phrase “When You’re Ready” (9:00)

Offering children autonomy during emotional distress can significantly reduce resistance and power struggles. Kirk introduces the phrase “when you’re ready” as a tool to give children a sense of control over their emotional responses.

Quote:

"When you say, hey, when you're ready, it gives your kids something they feel in control of in that very moment." (17:53)

Applications:

• Invitation to Engage: Instead of demanding immediate compliance, parents can say, “When you’re ready, we can play catch,” allowing the child to choose the timing and nature of their engagement.
• Non-Confrontational Requests: Phrases like, “When you’re ready, bring some snacks down and we’ll draw together,” invite cooperation without coercion.

Outcome:
This approach respects the child’s need for autonomy and reduces the likelihood of escalation, fostering a cooperative rather than adversarial relationship during emotional crises.

5. Stop the Shame Cycle by Modeling Calmness (10:00)

Perhaps the most profound tool Kirk discusses is the necessity of parents modeling the emotional regulation they wish to see in their children. By demonstrating calmness and constructive responses to their own frustrations, parents can break the cycle of shame and helplessness that often accompanies emotional outbursts.

Personal Insight: Kirk shares a deeply personal story about his relationship with his son, Casey, highlighting how his own inability to manage emotions contributed to Casey’s feelings of shame and inadequacy. This realization motivated Kirk to transform his parenting approach, emphasizing patience, empathy, and active modeling of calm behavior.

Quote:

"The absolute most powerful tool to help kids with big emotions is to model how to do this yourself." (10:00)

Practical Steps:

• Self-Awareness: Parents must first recognize their own emotional triggers and work on managing their reactions.
• Constructive Outlets: Engaging in joint physical activities, such as doing push-ups together after a frustrating day, serves as a live demonstration of managing emotions.
• Open Communication: Sharing feelings openly and demonstrating coping strategies in real-time provides children with tangible examples to emulate.

Conclusion: Transforming Challenges into Teaching Moments

Kirk emphasizes that effective parenting, especially for children with big emotions, is less about enforcing behavior and more about imparting life skills. By implementing these five additional strategies—observing for clues, utilizing physical movement, affirming progress, empowering autonomy, and modeling calmness—parents can create a supportive environment that nurtures emotional resilience and mutual respect.

Final Thoughts:

"If we can teach your child how to control his or her emotions when disappointed and frustrated, your child will be ahead of 99% of adults. It's more important than anything they will ever learn in school." (Final Segment)

Kirk encourages parents to adopt these strategies thoughtfully and persistently, reminding them that while the journey may be challenging, the rewards of a harmonious and emotionally intelligent family dynamic are well worth the effort.

Resources Mentioned:

• Celebrate Calm Programs: Offers comprehensive guides and strategies for managing challenging behaviors. Visit celebratecalm.com.
• Discipline that Works Program: A detailed program focusing on handling aggressive behaviors in children. Available through the Celebrate Calm app.

Connect with Celebrate Calm:

• Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com
• Email: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com

Note: For exclusive resources and Black Friday deals, listeners are encouraged to visit the Celebrate Calm website.

This summary distills the core insights and practical strategies shared by Kirk Martin in the "Calm Parenting Podcast" episode, providing a comprehensive guide for parents seeking effective methods to support their children through emotional challenges.