← Calm Parenting Podcast
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Kirk Martin
So I know men like me are really hard to shop for. So I'm going to make Father's Day gift giving easy for you. Please trust me on this. Go to cozyearth.com use code CALM for 40% off the most comfortable clothing I have worn in my entire life. You will notice your husband reaching for his Cozy Earth as soon as he's done with work. I'm lucky because I get to work in Cozy Earth. I always record the podcast in my Everywhere pant and bamboo stretch knit long long sleeve or pullover. It's like you are draped in relaxation. After hiking, I slip into my Cozy Earth brushed bamboo shorts, the softest and most stylish shorts I have ever had. At night we sleep under our amazingly soft temperature regulating Cozy Earth bamboo sheets so we sleep cooler and longer. Cozy Earth makes comfort that lasts and this Father's Day, he deserves it. So go to cozyearth.com, use code CALM for 40% off all men's apparel for the dads who work hard during their 9 to 5 and deserve the best during their 5 to 9. So before I was the calm guy, I was the triggered guy. My default mode was my strong willed son is doing things on purpose to irritate me and I need to correct him for that. How many of you can relate to that? So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to show you how you can stop being triggered and start actually connecting with your kids even when they do irritating things. Because they do and they will. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and you can find us in our Summer Stop being Triggered sale. It's not actually called that, but summer sales celebrate calm.com. it is also father's Day, so I send my highest respect to all the dads who are working hard to break these generational patterns and create a new family tree. Most of you are like me. Your father didn't show you how to control your emotions or connect with your wife and kids. So you are learning on the job with no training. And I want you to know it's worth the hard work and, and I'm proud of you for doing for your own kids what your dad may not have been able to or what may not have done for you. And our kids are not going to grow up with so many of the issues we have that sabotage our relationships and cause trauma. So dads and moms, well done. Proud of you. So look, your kids and life are going to trigger you. You. Your kids can only trigger you though, because you have so many buttons to push, even ones you didn't even know that you had. Don't blame your kids. Don't take it personally. Don't make your kids walk on eggshells to manage your emotions for you. I want you to embrace this, your strong will. Kids are the best therapist ever. They're with you 24 7. They're free. They will expose all of your immaturity and weakness. And, and you get to be. Look, you get to change and be free from things that have irritated you for decades, that have caused you to react and be angry. It is very liberating, even though it's not that fun in the moment. So let's cover the key principles first and then we'll go into a detailed action plan for responding to triggers. Number one, just make it a rule in your home and life that you refuse to take the bait. You refuse to go into that courtroom with your little. Some of you have kids are like little cops, judges and attorneys all wrapped into one. You just make it a rule in life that you never react. Just like you don't allow swearing or spitting. It's a family rule because it never leads to anything good. Sometimes we react because we don't know what else to do or we feel if we don't, we. We're letting kids get away with something. But when you react, you're giving power over your emotions to that situation or child. So when you react to your 4 or 14 year old, guess who's in control. The kid who is driving you crazy is in the driver's seat. That's your issue, not theirs. And I want you to allow an indignant tone to rise up inside of you. Be bold. Speak forcefully inside of yourself. Look, I refuse to give my power to another human, to another situation. I refuse to give you power over my day. See, at some point we have to make the conscious choice to stop engaging and fighting, arguing and negotiating with our kids. It never leads to anything positive and oftentimes our kids just own us. So look, I'm not going to fight with you. Not my job, not what you need. I say that very evenly. I'm going to pop some popcorn and sit on the porch. And if you want to come talk to me calmly, I'm all ears and I'll try to help you. And then I walk away. I would say this to my son, Casey. I don't fight people I love. I'm not really interested in who is right and wrong. What I want to do is help you solve the problem peacefully. If you're up for that? I'm psyched to help and talk, but if you want to argue, it's just not going to happen. Hey, Casey, I know what you really want right now. I've been distracted by work, and you want my intense emotional engagement. That's what they want. They don't want your attention. It's intense emotional engagement. But I'm not going to give you that by arguing. But I will go play guitar with you. We can build something in the garage if you want, and go play in the backyard. Okay, number two, Apologize and reset quickly. Look, you are going to react, yell, and even say hurtful things sometimes. I just want you to own up to it quickly instead of participating in that ugly and counterproductive cycle of blame, shame, and guilt. Just apologize. Look, when I used to apologize while Casey and I traveled a lot, and I get upset on the road, and we'd be on the way to event, and I'd say, hey, Case, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken that out on you. Because sometimes I would snap at him for something, and he was often quick to actually make excuses for me. He'd say, dad, I understand. I know you're tired. And the apology kept that tension from seeping into the rest of our drive to checking in, carrying up our luggage. Look, it's just simple honesty. It's just saying, hey, I messed up. People around you, your kids, your spouse, they know you messed up. But if your pride keeps you from simply acknowledging the obvious, your family will begin to lose respect for you. And I know for the guys out there, that's the number one thing we want, right? We want respect. And it's a really noble thing in us as guys, because what we want is, well, I want my kids to respect me, so they listen to my wisdom. Because I've experienced hard knocks in life and. And I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes I made. So I want them to listen to my wisdom. It's a really noble thing. And if we play this right, moms and dads, our kids will listen to us. Number three, wait. I want to give you permission to wait. Right? You don't have to react right away. You do not owe your kids an immediate response. I have the right to wait, to check what's going on inside of me before I react to you. And this is a big one, because a lot of you were raised with that. That thing of like, well, you're supposed to discipline your kids promptly. Right away, you don't. It's often Better to make it a rule in life that I don't make decisions or respond to situations for several hours or after I get a good night's sleep. Know yourself. Some of you have had a traumatic childhood or background. Some. So you go instantly into fight, flight, or freeze mode. And I want to give you permission. Well, I want you to give yourself permission to not react, to wait. Get in the habit of saying, because I love you and value our relationship, I'm going to wait so that I can be my best for you and for myself. Practice that sometime in the next couple days. Catch yourself reacting, and then stop, pivot, apologize and. And then be assertive about needing to wait. Sit. I know this sounds so simplistic, and I've been recommending this for 25 years. And people are like, oh, that's so simplistic. I like simple things that work. Merely sitting down and doing nothing else can actually help a lot. You can sit just about anywhere. It changes your body posture and it will change your tone of voice. It makes it harder to gesticulate with your arms and be all Italian. It makes it harder to yell, because if you can scream while sitting down, oh, then you need help. So for the next week, practice this. Every time I want to lecture or yell. Instead, I am going to sit down. Number five, do the opposite. This reminds me, this is one of my favorite tools to use when I was first learning how to change and be calm. This idea just hit me in the forehead. What I was doing was not working. Yelling, lecturing, micromanaging, pressuring, trying to convince Casey to do what I said was actually getting me the exact opposite result than what I wanted. He wasn't rejecting my authority, he was rejecting my anxiety because my anxiety was screaming at him and hey, do it this way or else I need you to do it my way. It was pressure, and our kids will always resist that pressure and those expectations. So I thought, since I'm getting the exact opposite result from what I want, why don't I just do the opposite of what I'm doing now and see if I get the opposite or good result? So I kind of diagrammed and rehearsed in my head two of the most common situations in which I got triggered and reacted. One was procrastination. Being late as son of a former career military man. This was unacceptable soldier. So whenever Casey would say, hey, just a few more minutes, or if he was slow getting ready in the morning, I would instantly react. And it wasn't even like we were late at all most of the time. It was the anxiety around even possibly being late or, to be honest, not being extra early. And I can remember when we'd even do something fun, like if we were going to a concert. And I felt like we had to get there hours early to park to find our seats so we didn't miss anything. I just created a lot of tension, and we were never late, but it created all this ick. And I'd snap at him. And then there were my control issues. I am a highly organized man who gets up early in the morning and gets ready on time. Look, for years, Casey and I traveled together, speaking at countless schools, churches, foster and adoption conferences all over. Actually, all over the world. And I'd get up early, of course, because I'd get up early, go to the hotel gym, eat a good breakfast, and shower, and. And when I get up to the room after working out and eating, he'd be sitting in bed with his hoodie sweatshirt on, not ready with like, 12 minutes before we had to leave. And it would provoke me. Why wasn't he ready? Why wasn't he responsible and organized like me? Why are you causing me so much anxiety, son? And the truth was, he was never, ever late to an event. I often was. And maybe I was projecting that onto him. But until I really wrestled with this, it just created unnecessary power struggles and tension and hurtful words and distance. I created and chose all of those things. And so I began doing the opposite. I would almost literally bite my tongue and focus relentless, relentlessly on getting myself ready. I would walk in the room and say, hey, how's Ryan? Or how's your girlfriend? What are you reading about? I'd be curious to hear about your thoughts on that on the way to the event or to your hockey game at home. I'd walk into the room, sit, and ask questions instead of lecturing. It was kind of magical what happened. We were connecting. Instead of me demanding, and it actually drew him to me, and it drew him and got him moving more quickly. So for next week, practice this. Do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sit, ask questions using that even matter of fact tone. And then I want you to do something that will sound kind of odd. How many of you have kids who struggle with impulse control? We do. So we taught Casey practical ways to delay gratification by saving money, because it's very tangible. I encourage you to build this new habit with your kids this summer with the Acorns early app and debit card. I'm so glad Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. It's a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money. I like teaching with money because your kids can see how their choices directly add up in concrete ways. It's one of the best habits we taught Casey. Acorns early makes building this new habit easy and fun. So head to acornserly.com calm or download the Acorns early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. That's acornserly.com calm acorns early card is issued by Community Federal Savings bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. TNCs apply monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month unless canceled so I stopped by my brother's house yesterday and before I could get in the door my nephew called me and said, Uncle Kirk, come see what I built by myself. It was a Kiwico plane launcher. Way cool. He was so excited and proud of himself showing me how he built a launch lever to send planes soaring, then put together a spring powered Runway for high speed takeoff. I love these Kiwico projects. Your kids will love these engineering, science and art projects because they are fun, hands on and build your child's confidence. My nephew may not always pay attention well in class, but he can explain the physics of flight. Now this summer, your kids get six different projects to work on as part of Kiwico Summer Adventure series. Build the Best summer ever and your child's confidence with kiwico. Get $15 off on your summer adventure series at kiwico.com calm that's $15 off your summer adventure and at k I w I c o.com calm number six stop being the parent and act like someone else. And I know that sounds funny, but you acting like you as the parent doesn't always work so great right now. So try this for a week. Approach situations with your kids like you do with colleagues at work. Talk to your kids like you talk to colleagues at work. Don't walk around. Look, you don't walk around the office constantly lecturing, why won't anyone here turn their reports in on time? How many times do I have to tell you to follow the right process? What were you thinking when you made that recommendation? I mean, if you do, you're a jerk and people won't want to work for you or with you. But if a colleague or subordinate messes up, you likely pull them aside, not in front of everybody like you do with your kids and say, hey, that last project wasn't up to your usual standards why don't we go for a walk or grab a pad of paper and come into my office and let's see how we can improve your recommendation. See, you problem solve, you mentor, you teach. Discipline means to teach, not yell. Sent to the room or punishment. Right? All those things that we do at home. So you could say this at home. Hey, you know it's not right to yell at your mom or hit your sister. Hey, why don't you come play catch? Let's go ride bikes, we'll go for a drive and I'll help you handle that situation differently next time. See, now you're teaching, you're showing. Or maybe you act like your favorite quarterback or an ER doctor who instead of reacting, reads the situation. See, I love that with quarterback. A quarterback does what he's getting a blitz, reading the defense, and now he's got to call different play, he's got to lead his team, calls an audible, slides up into the pocket and makes a good play. I want us to do that. The ER doctor, she's got to read the situation, take the vitals, and then develop an action plan. So try being someone else for a week. Number seven, take back control of the situation. We get freaked out when things are out of our control or we're rushed and anxious. And I found the following to be extremely helpful at changing my attitude from I'm stressed in a hurry to taking back control in traffic. Allow one person to cut in front of you. Not two people, just one. That's enough. At the post office, I allow two people to cut in front of me. It makes their day. I give someone else the closer parking space. When I feel tight with finances, I purposefully give because it helps me see that others have it far worse than me. Look, I practice gratitude When I want to complain, I forgive when I want to hold a grudge. Think what your anxiety is screaming at you to do and then do the opposite. It gives you back a measure of control. Okay, here is a great challenge for you. Situation. In the midst of chaos, of things irritating you without fixing the situation or your kids, just begin with this first step. When the siblings are squabbling or when the kids make a mess, walk into the room and sit in the midst of it without fixing it. Just go sit right in the middle of it. Notice how it makes you uncomfortable. Don't fight that. Observe it. But resist the urge to fix. Fix it. To fix the kids, to fix the situation. And resist the urge to make the discomfort go away. Once you have mastered that, everything else will flow Naturally you'll speak evenly. You'll expect the kids to control themselves and clean up. You won't use the long lectures and anxiety ridden pleas or threats that make you sound weak and you will ultimately lead and problem solve. If you struggle that Go back to it was in mid May. I did a really really good I think it was May 18th on overcoming your triggers. Number nine if you are an engineer, an IT person or project manager, you may really like this approach. Basically create a flowchart of how situations typically unfold. Well, when my daughter speaks like that, it irritates me. I don't like it. In the past I have responded by yelling, lecturing, taking away privileges, stomping off and withdrawn. The result of my reaction has been and then you just fill in the blank. It's been negative. It's created the opposite result that I was looking for. It separates me from my child, makes me feel guilty, leaves everyone feeling tense. I hold my family hostage to my emotions when I do that. So I want to change my reaction. So instead of reacting by yelling when withdrawing, instead I'm going to take a positive action. So what is that positive action you can take? Sit down. Speak softly. Seek to understand your daughter's frustration. Give her a choice in her response. Ask her to come walk the dog with you. Listen to music together. Praise her for two good choices she's made recently. Just break the negative pattern. Refuse to react, wait to respond. Lead and problem solve. And I want you to bond over things that are irritating. And I imagine you'll have plenty of opportunities this week to practice working on your triggers. Okay, here is my favorite one. Number 10 bond over things that irritate you. It is one of my all time favorite strategies and practices. Let's say your daughter is neurodivergent. She struggles with cleaning her bedroom. You can lecture and argue with her and take things away for 18 years, but it won't get her room cleaned and you'll ruin your relationship. Or you can put some music on, go into a room and help her clean, which realistically means you do more cleaning than she does at first. And maybe you take a before and after picture so she can see what it looks like visually. Maybe you let her create a video of how to clean and organize a room in five minutes. You make it fun. You play loud music. You bond while showing her how to do this. And the most important part isn't that her room is clean, it's that in an area it's in which she has a natural weakness. Instead of constantly jumping down her throat. You were the one who understood and took the time to teach her. Now, that will pay dividends through the teen years and during her whole life. So choose something that irritates you and then challenge yourself to find a way to bond over that with your child. It's kind of a big fu to your own anxiety and control issues and perfectionism because now you just took back control. You created connection instead of separation. And you actually taught your child something right? You know that rap music that your son loves? I get it, I get it. But instead of fearing it, enter into it, start blasting it one day. And then be curious. Hey, I'm curious to know what about this music resonates with you. And then listen and begin finding other forms of that same music, whatever it is to send to your child to bond over. Look, it doesn't mean you have to allow cop killer lyrics or that music in your home, but do stretch yourself in these areas. Hang upside off the Hang upside down off the sofa with your child. Do what makes you uncomfortable when you're upside down off the sofa. I guarantee you are entering into your child's world. Instead of, I don't know why you have to do that. That's not the proper way to sit. You sit with your feet on the floor. Instead, lay upside down and say, huh? I never would have thought to do this. Now I look at the world in a different way and know that that often meets sensory needs in your kids. And you'll actually have fantastic talks while you're lying upside down off the sofa. You can create connection in the morning by eating outside in that little obstacle course together, change your attitude and I bet your child's will change. So listen, this is a really good one. I worked with this family whose daughter likes to bake, but she always leaves the mess and doesn't follow directions because that's how our kids do it. Shocker. But she has two parents. One an engineer who likes order and the other who is a perfectionist who can't stand the mess. So instead of appreciating their daughter cooking for them, all they ever notice is the mess she makes. But what if that mom or dad asked the daughter to bake something for a special event at the office so they have an opportunity to praise her and let her know if, hey, everybody at the office love that. Because that could open up like little catering jobs for birthday parties or people's things. What if she could get out of school one day to cater a staff birthday party? What if they could begin building a little side business, earning some money and also doing service projects, cooking for shut ins, delivering meals once a month for Meals on Wheels. And after she's done cooking and you can play some fun music and clean up with her. And see, now it becomes a bonding opportunity instead of one more power struggle that you're irritated with. See, that connection will change and motivate your child more than any lecture or consequence. See, we think there's a consequence or policy that will change human behavior. But the most powerful life changing force is human connection and relationships. So work on that this summer, okay? I hope you get tested and triggered within the next 15 minutes of listening to this so you can practice these steps. If you have our programs go right now, go through the 30 days to calm program because we cover this in much greater detail. You can do this. Moms and dads and grandparents. Look, I'm proud of you for working so hard to break these generational patterns. Happy Father's Day to the dads out there. Let me know how we can help. Love you all. Bye. Bye.