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So I know men like me are really hard to shop for, so I'm going to make Father's Day gift giving easy for you. Please trust me on this. Go to cozyearth.com use code CALM for 40% off the most comfortable clothing I have worn in my entire life. You will notice your husband reaching for his Cozy Earth as soon as he's done with work. I'm lucky because I get to work in Cozy Earth. I always record the podcast in my Everywhere pant and bamboo stretch knit long, long sleeve or pullover. It's like you are draped in relaxation. After hiking, I slip into my Cozy Earth brushed bamboo shorts, the softest and most stylish shorts I have ever had. At night we sleep under our amazingly soft temperature regulating Cozy Earth bamboo sheets so we sleep cooler and longer. Cozy Earth makes comfort that lasts and this Father's Day he deserves it. So go to cozyearth.com, use code CALM for 40% off all men's apparel for the dads who work hard during their 9 to 5 and deserve the best during their 5 to 9 so I have an idea to keep your kids brains active in learning while still enjoying the relaxed summer vibe. Use IXL's award winning learning platform to build your child's confidence this summer. So choose one topic your kids are curious about and one in which they struggle. Juggle and over the summer let your kids play the interactive games IXL uses to learn new facts and concepts without the pressure of the normal school year. It's more about curiosity. So whether your child is reviewing third grade math or jumping into sixth grade reading, IXL meets your kids where they are and lets them move at their own pace. Plus, IXL instantly grades work and explains mistakes so you don't have to because you know our kids don't like being corrected by us. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have a child who hates being corrected? Even if you do it in a really sweet way, your child gets furious or lashes out or screams or even covers his or her ears. Does your child blame others and refuse to listen? Good, because that's very normal with our kids. Which means we have some answers for you. And that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us in our summer sale@celebratecom.com so mom emailed and said, I know this sounds insane, but our child hates being corrected. I don't think that sounds insane at all. I think that's normal. Who wants to be corrected? Hey Kirk, come into my office. I want to show you, talk you all the things you've done wrong. This is very common with humans and with our kids especially, especially with those sensitive, strong willed kids. Now you can correct like compliant kids and they'll just adjust and work on it without any pushback. But you do the same thing with our kids and you might get a screaming, flailing child lashing out at you. So let's first review why our kids don't respond well to being corrected and then how we can affect change when more effectively without the pushback. And a side note, I hate the word correct correction. I prefer saying, hey, I want to teach my child. Because discipline means to teach, not criticize or just point out things they're doing wrong. And on a higher level, you know what I really want with kids? I would like to instill wisdom inside them that's a lot different than just correcting them. So why do our kids not like being corrected? Look, many of your kids already have a defensive posture toward life. They feel like they're swimming upstream. And often for good reason. The school systems feels kind of rigged against them because it exposes their natural weaknesses without really rewarding their natural strengths. They feel like failures even though they are bright kids. Many of your kids don't naturally connect well with kids their own age. They're better with little kids, animals, older people. So they have some social isolation. Sometimes one parent doesn't understand what or accept your child. So your child feels like the black sheep of the family. And they begin with this negative or defensive frame of reference. And you'll hear them say, you don't like me. Why is everybody always mad at me? How come I'm the only one who's ever in trouble? You like my sister better. Sometimes they will even yell, why are you yelling at me? And you're not even yelling yet. It's because that's how they hear it inside of them. They are very sensitive to things. So it sometimes feels like they're overreacting to you. Just saying, hey, you need to do that better. It's also why they change the rules of the game, cheat or quit at games because if they lose a game, it reinforces a deeply held belief inside that they're losers or different. If you correct your kids in front of classmates or siblings or a spouse, they will feel embarrassed. They'll feel shame, like they're being teamed up on. Their sensitivity means they sometimes feel the disappointment in your voice. And they're already accustomed to that at school. Look, in essence, our kids get corrected repeatedly. So they either get angry or tune out. Some of them have been on red on those stupid behavior charts since they were little. And it just adds up over time. Until they say I'm always doing something wrong. Nothing I do is right. Why even try? Here's another thing. No one wants to be watched while they're struggling. I remember last summer I was helping this young couple from Ohio. They were out here hiking in the Tetons and the trail was snowy and steep and we were like at 10,000ft of elevation. So they're struggling and the guy's wife was really struggling and he kept turning around and asking, are you okay, honey? And I cringed. And she finally screamed, if you ask me one more time if I'm okay, you are going back home alone. And I was like, bro, just focus on yourself. Give her space to struggle without being watched. The same dynamic happens with our kids. These are kids who want to figure things out themselves. Not to be told what to do or how to do it. You've seen this. They'll teach themselves a musical instrument, a foreign language, something else by watching YouTube videos, not by listening to you or a teacher. We can work with that. Your strong willed kids don't value the same thing things you do. And they don't always want to do it your way. Plus they often feel helpless to change or be like others. And negativity of any kind. You've seen this. It is deflating. It is not motivating to these kids. Now that doesn't mean you just say like, oh, well, I just won't say anything. No, we can still discipline and talk about their behavior. We just need to take a different approach. Now here's what we don't want to do. What doesn't work. Now let's do real life. Example from a recent email. So mom wrote and said, hey, My daughter was yelling at another student. When the teacher tried to explain why she can't do that, my daughter exploded, had to be carried to the principal's office. Well, that makes sense to me. Your daughter got embarrassed in front of her classmates when the teacher corrected her. Explaining things and lectures make kids and me furious. Look, there's no need for long explanations. Your kids already know what they're doing is wrong. And I encourage you. Remember recent podcast, I think it was May 18, we talked about shame that fuels massive meltdown. So listen to that one and I'll come back to a positive alternative to this situation in the next section. All right, stop using that really sweet tone. Honey, we really need to talk about your behavior. No, it sounds patronizing and condescending like your child is a baby or an idiot. So stop it. Never sit your child down. Say, we need to talk about your behavior. That immediately puts anyone on the defensive and tends to focus on just pointing out the bad outward behavior, usually in conjunction with a consequence versus giving kids tools and insight to make different choices. And you know I'm not a big fan of eye contact when you're correcting your kids. It's too personal and intense. Please also banish these phrases from your vocabulary with any other human being ever. Never say these. Well, if you would just apply yourself. Same with, well, you need to try harder. You need to try your best. Please just trust me on that. Don't say those things to people. It is not motivating. Now, when you are frustrated, sometimes that snotty tone comes out. You know, if you was just listen to me, done your homework earlier, made a different choice, this wouldn't be happening to you. That's never helpful. It's always soul crushing. Okay, now that we know what doesn't work and why, let's go through. I think I'm going to come up with about 10 or 11 ideas and scripts in no particular order that will work much better. And for kids from kind of toddler years through the teen years. So number one, let's begin with that school example mentioned earlier. So there's a girl getting up in another child's face, yelling. The teacher was put in a really tough position and she had to intervene. Now, she started by trying to explain to this girl why you can't yell at another student. That's infuriating. This girl already knows you can't yell at other people, right? It's not like she thought it was okay. And so in some ways it comes across as condescending. And you know how we have that term like mansplaining things? Maybe we should call it parent splaining. Just stop. It doesn't work. The other problem with trying to do that approach is that that is a very rational approach. But this girl who's been screaming is not in a rational frame of mind. See, we're trying to convince your child to see it your way with these long explanations so we don't want to do that. So what can we do? Remember, motion changes, emotion, omission. So what if the teacher said, oh, Sarah, I just remembered. I need the first 12 books on that shelf moved and put on the floor in the corner at the front of the room. Do you think you're strong enough to move those? Now? Here's why I like it. See, just trying to correct or talk to Sarah in front of the other kids while they are looking at her breeds anger and shame. I want to get kids to a calm, more rational state first. So I gave her a very specific mission that did not include, hey, you need to calm down, apologize, go sit by yourself, complete a think sheet, write down what you did wrong. Those things are awful. So I gave her a mission that's very specific. I want you to move 12 books. The specificity is actually really grounding because Sarah's world is out of control for some reason right now. But a concrete number, a concrete book that I hold and feel and touch, a concrete mission is something she can feel in control of. And she has to pick up the books, carry them, then lean over or kneel down to put them on the floor. That meets sensory needs. And that's very grounding and calming. She's not being punished by standing in a corner. She's actually being helpful. Even though it's just a made up job. There's a concrete end to the mission that's important that she'll be able to see 12 books in the corner. It gives her time and space to calm down. Now, later at recess or lunch, the teacher can pull Sarah aside and ask, hey, Sarah, I'm curious what made you so upset earlier? That is a lot better. Can you explain to me why you were yelling at Elizabeth earlier? Because the answer is no. I can't really explain why I was yelling at her, but I can probably explain why I was so upset. And now that we know that, we can problem solve different action steps to take when you get triggered and upset like that. I hope that makes sense. So how can we apply this at home? How many of you have kids who struggle with impulse control? We do. So we taught Casey practical ways to delay gratification by saving money because it's very tangible. I encourage you to build this new habit with your kids this summer with the Acorns early app and debit card. I'm so glad. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. It's a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money. I like teaching with money because your kids can see how their choices directly add up in concrete ways. It's one of the best habits we taught Casey. Acorns early makes building this new habit easy and fun. So head to acornserly.com calm or download the Acorns early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. That's acornserly.com calm acorns early card is issued by Community Federal Savings bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. TNCs apply monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month unless canceled so I stopped by my brother's house yesterday and before I could get in the door my nephew called me and said, Uncle Kirk, come see what I built by myself. It was a Kiwico plane launcher. Way cool. He was so excited and proud of himself showing me how he built a launch lever to send planes soaring, then put together a spring powered Runway for high speed takeoff. I love these Kiwico projects. Your kids will love these engineering, science and art projects because they are fun, hands on and build your child's confidence. My nephew may not always pay attention well in class, but he can explain the physics of flight. Now this summer your kids get six different projects to work on as part of Kiwico Summer Adventure series. Build the best summer ever and your child's confidence with kiwico. Get $15 off on your summer adventure series at kiwico.com calm that's $15 off your summer adventure at k I w I c o dot com calm. Number two I prefer talking to kids about hard things while they're actually doing a mission or moving so you don't have this heavy conversation with eye contact. I would encourage you to not tag team your child. In most cases, just have one parent address the issue. Otherwise it can kind of feel overwhelming with both parents looking with those concerned faces at me. Look, I don't want two bosses in a meeting with me. I'd rather my manager talk to me while we're walking down the hallway or outside or on the way to lunch. Number three let's say your child completes a math worksheet but gets several problems wrong. If you say, oh, come sit down, we need to go through this worksheet so I can show you all the problems you got wrong and then show you how to do them correctly. My guess is your child is not going to say of course mother and father. I relish the opportunity to learn. No, they're going to melt down over that. So something like this may work Better. Hey, nice job on your math worksheet. I circled, by the way, notice the tone, even matter of fact. Hey, nice job on your math worksheet. I circled number 4, 7, 9, 13 and 17. I need to go do laundry, get started on dinner, drink a bottle of wine. Kidding. Let me know if you need some help with these when I get back. Because now you've given your child some space to process their frustration and disappointment without you being right next to them or hovering over them. Because that triggers your kids and it triggers you because you're going like, you just need to focus. There's only five we still need to do. If you would just focus, you would be done in three minutes. So we could stop doing this. So you give them some space and you avoid that kind of negative cycle where everybody gets all ramped up and over this. You've done this before. Hopefully you have. That means you're a normal parent where some simple thing like, well, we need to correct five things on a math worksheet turns into like a three hour battle that ruins your whole night. By the way, I was just gonna say that's why I want you really. I want your kids listening to our programs on the app so they know how their brains work and you can work over the summer. Do this with your kids. Let them listen so they know how their brains work and so they can tell you, mom, Dad, I don't like when you stand over and watch me doing that. Would you please listen to this guy? Because it would be. It's fun that way and you're learning together as a family. Number four, please notice how important tone of voice is with these kids. I don't want to use that really sweet tone when I discipline kids because it sounds condescending and patronizing and just plain irritating. I also don't want to go negative or harsh with them like I used to do. Harrumphing around like, how many times must I explain this to you, son? It's not helpful. We know not to do the snotty tone. Notice in my example, your tone is even matter of fact, without emotion. It's just pure business. Short and sweet. Please. Moms and dads. Very few words. Well, I feel like I need to fully explain the ramifications up. No, look, I really try to keep these podcasts short and I know in a way I'm kind of lecturing you, so I feel bad about that, but I'm really trying to teach and inform, but okay. Your child, if you do that, is going to end up tuning out and they will hate you. Do we like, right? Do you like it when your spouse explains your mistakes in great detail to you? No. Short and sweet. Number five. Plant seeds and give space for them to grow. Look, you don't plant a seed in the ground, water it and then stand over it waiting for it to sprout. Come on, plant. When are you going to finally grow? What do I need to do around here? Why are you being so defiant? One of my favorite phrases to use, especially as kids get older, something like this. Hey Casey, one of the things I've discovered in life is that when I do X, people tend to respond better and then I walk out of the room. See, I am not telling my child what or how to think. I'm giving perspective. I am planting a seed of wisdom or truth, then removing myself. And I remove myself so I don't get triggered by my child staring at me like I'm an idiot or responding, well, that's stupid. But what I really want to do is remove myself so they can digest what I just said and have time to process it and internalize it without me standing over them waiting for some response of like father, you have so much wisdom, right? It's the difference between you need to change the way you think and I'm going to stand here until you agree to see it my way. And hey, here's some wisdom that I believe will help you and that I believe you're capable of incorporating into your life or your decisions, right? And that's the difference between that and the child coming back and saying, hey, I gave some thought to what you said, which is what Casey often did when I handled it that way. Get comfortable, just use language that's true to you. I always love that. Hey, I found in life that hey, one thing I've learned the hard way is drop your wisdom space. 6. Since I just mentioned the hard way, let me just address this bluntly. Sometimes nothing you say, no matter how you say it, will get through to your strong willed child. They simply need to learn from the school of hard knocks. The real world will teach them a hard lesson and sometimes that's the best and fastest way for them to learn. Not the easiest, but easy is overrated with your kids. They number seven know this. You look, you know this. From a practical standpoint, sandwich your correction right? Give a compliment or two, mention an area they need to work on and end with another compliment. Remember, have tough talks while you walk. Hike, drive in the car late at night when it's dark. Kids often list Listen best then. Number eight, remember when you need to correct or teach a younger child, play that rewind and replay game. So they walk into a room, they do something inappropriate, and you can say, hey, rewind and replay. They have to walk backwards out of the room. Why? Because that's fun. Then walk back in and practice a new behavior. You are literally practicing behavior, and it's a little bit more fun. It's better than you know. We need to talk about your behavior. You're always messing up. If you keep doing that, you're going to lose your screen. If you really want this to sink in, do it to yourself. When you mess up, even with teens, if you just lectured or yelled or used that sweet tone, walk backwards out of the room because they'll notice. And then you come back in and you apologize and reset yourself. Number nine. As kids get older, I like to turn more things over to them. Hey. Nope. No lecture. Casey, here's where you messed up. Let me know if you need some help. Sometimes he'd walk into the room being demanding. No long lecture about how much I do for you and you should respect me. Hey, Case, that's never going to work out well for you, so why don't you give that another shot? Or if you need help with something, I'll meet you on the porch. Short and sweet. Not taking it personally, putting it back in your child's court. You're creating some space and time. Now, you have to watch the following because you don't want to appear flippant, but you can laugh at certain things or use some humor, as long as it doesn't sound like you're dismissing or making fun of them. But there were times where Casey would come in, like, all full of himself, and I'd say, wait, you really thought that would work with me? And I kind of laughed it off. And then I did the rewind or replay, like, hey, let's rewind. Find that. Because the way this is headed right now, it's not going to end well for you. So you can do it in a very understated low key tone, almost delivered in a hushed tone of like, hey, I'd rethink that strategy of your son. This isn't going to work here. I'd rethink how you're handling that. Not going to work. See, that's decisive. That won't work in my home. It's short. There are no lectures about how to. There's no sweet voice. There's no trying to convince the child. It's just a businesslike Tone, you're not angry, but you are serious, and they know it. Number 10, guess what? Strong will. Kids aren't going to listen to you. Why? Because you're the mom or dad. It's just the way that it works. Casey was never like, dad. You must have a lot of wisdom. You have a parenting podcast. He thought about me the same way your kids think about you. How many of your kids, another adult tells them, actually, how many of you have a spouse who does that? I know that. You know why? Because I'm the spouse that does that, right? Like, someone else will tell me and I'll come home, honey, did you know this about nutrition? She'll be like, I've been trying to tell you that for years. So they'll listen to another adult, a coach, a mentor, a teacher, a neighbor down the street, an aunt or grandfather they trust, maybe an older kid in high school they look up to. Look for your kids to have opportunities, create opportunities for them to help other adults with special projects. Right? Like helping some older couple down the street. I guarantee your child will listen to them, just not you. Number 11, I'm going to do this as a bonus, and I'm going to end with my favorite way to get your kids to listen to you. And it's not directly related to correcting your kids, but it is a very powerful tool, and that's trust. And you've heard me explain how I almost ruined my relationship with Casey in the previous podcast. I went through that in great detail when he was young, but we worked really hard to repair that. And so there were several times throughout his tween and teen years when he got a little bit older, when we were at an impasse or he was resisting something. And I. Look, I'm the authority figure. I have the ultimate power to say no, and it's just no because I said so. But I try not to do that because I just don't like it. So I would say, hey, Casey, I know you don't agree with me and you won't agree with me, but do you trust me? And inherent in that was this. Do you trust that I love you enough to have your best interests at heart? Even when I say no and you're disappointed and upset, and he would nod, still disappointed, but recognizing that I was trustworthy at that point. And I end with that because strategies are great and I love giving strategies. We just came up with 11 of them, and they work, but it's the relationship that is always primary and most important, because if you don't have a good relationship. If your child does not feel connected to you, accepted by you, if you do not have that connection, none of the strategies will really work that well because there's not the trust. So it's always a little bit more, a lot more about connection than just correction. Okay. Okay. Let's try some of these tools and scripts this week. Let's work on that connection with your child. Right. Let's really dig into that. If we can help you with that, let us know. That's kind of what the downloadable audio programs are for. And if you have an older child and you have our program, start with the no BS instruction manual first because that's 25 action steps. Really, really specific. That works. That work. And if you need discipline things, I just updated the Discipline that Works program that's in app and I added a lot to that. So I'm always trying to update all the programs so it stays fresh and I add new insights. Thank you for working so hard at this. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for being awesome parents. Love you all. Bye. Bye.